
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11376507.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      The_Walking_Dead_(TV), The_Walking_Dead_&_Related_Fandoms
  Relationship:
      Carl_Grimes/Negan, Carl_Grimes/Shane_Walsh, Lori_Grimes/Shane_Walsh_
      (mentioned), Lori_Grimes/Rick_Grimes
  Character:
      Carl_Grimes, Negan_(Walking_Dead), Lori_Grimes, Rick_Grimes, Shane_Walsh,
      Enid_(Walking_Dead), Ron_Anderson, Daryl_Dixon, Merle_Dixon, Michonne_
      (Walking_Dead)
  Additional Tags:
      Implied/Referenced_Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con_Elements, Underage_Sex,
      Anal_Sex, Oral_Sex, Past_Rape/Non-con, Sexual_Abuse, Anal_Fingering,
      Rimming, Therapy, Kissing, Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, Whipping,
      First_Love, Teacher-Student_Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/
      Psychological_Abuse, First_Kiss, Coach_Negan, First_Time, Forced_Orgasm,
      Daddy_Kink, Violence, Hope, Dirty_Talk, Depression, Suicidal_Thoughts,
      Masturbation, Non-Consensual_Spanking, Mutual_Masturbation, Blow_Jobs,
      Frottage, inappropriate_relationship, Rape_Recovery, Rape, Phone_Sex
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-07-04 Completed: 2018-02-07 Chapters: 27/27 Words: 215332
****** A Slip of the Lip ******
by awareslaura
Summary
     New Years Eve flipped his world upside down, made him question his
     whole life, his sanity. Carl had been living in fear of his Godfather
     ever since, shaking everytime he entered the room, slowly chipping
     away at everything he was.
     Then he met Coach Negan and everything started piecing back together.
Notes
     To give everyone a fair warning this is a very dark fic. It contains
     the ongoing sexual abuse of a minor (Carl is 15 at the start) by
     Shane. I have tried not to make this too explicit however most
     scenes, particularly in the first chapters are very suggestive and
     partially explicit. It touches on suicidal thoughts and possible
     disordered eating.
     The fic also features a possibly underage relationship, depending on
     where you live in the world. Carl will be 17 at least and 18 for any
     serious smut if it occurs. It also includes a relationship between a
     coach and a student. So please do not read if any of this disturbs
     you.
     I also want to say that I do not condone any of the relationships
     within this fic in real life. These types of relationships are
     dangerous and any sexual attention from any teacher or person in a
     position of power is not normal nor is it romantic. It is however an
     interesting thing to explore within the safety of fiction.
     On that note I'll be done with my rambles! I'd like to dedicate this
     fic to the lovely alison-wilson-101 on tumblr as it was her prompt
     that encouraged me to write this. Hope it lives up to your
     expectations lovely!
     Comments and constructive criticism is welcome as always.
***** For auld lang syne, my dear *****
 
 “One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and
        accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” 
                                  - K.L. Toth
===============================================================================
 
                              New_Year’s_Eve_2015
 
“Lori…” Shane breathed out catching sight of the slender figure illuminated by
the fridge light. It started at the voice and quickly spun to face him. Carl.
Not Lori. He shook his head at the sight. Since when had they started to look
so goddamn similar? He blinked, trying to focus himself when he realised that
the figure was making noises at him.
“Shane? Shane? Dude, are you ok? Celebrated a bit too hard?” he said, voice
light with laughter. Still grinning at his Godfather, Carl turned back to the
fridge to reach for the snack that he’d crawled out of his bed for. There was
nothing like a bit of peanut butter to sort out your midnight cravings.  “Can’t
believe you passed out before midnight! Maybe next year you’ll make it to 11:30
without five glasses of whisky.”
“Yea’ maybe.” Shane leaned against the door, hip sticking out from the frame,
arms crossed over his chest. He contemplated the boy in front of the fridge. He
looked so much like his Mom from behind, from the dark flowing hair down to
that perfect, perky ass hidden under his pjs. Damn,the boy was gorgeous, got
his looks right from his Mama. He couldn’t help but be drawn to the tempting
pink tongue that was currently lapping at his finger to clear it, his brain
helpfully supplied a delightful image of that tongue licking something else
entirely.
“What are you staring at?” Carl interrupted his thoughts. “Want some?” He
offered the jar to him.
Shane tilted his head and stood for a second contemplating the offer, it really
had been too damn long since he’d had anything close to the pleasure he’d
experienced that night with Lori. Maybe Carl took after his Mom in other areas
too, his mind wickedly thought. “Maybe I will.” He bridged the gap between
them, pushing closer to Carl than was necessary, invading his personal space.
The boy didn’t seem too bothered though, he just gestured with the jar again
looking up at him innocently through thick lashes. He ignored it, staring him
in the eyes, Shane stroked a finger along a smooth porcelain cheek appreciating
how those blue eyes widened in surprise. Those beautiful eyes. Sea-blue just
like his Mom… “Lori” He whispered, pushing in close, before he captured the
boy’s lips in a searing kiss.
Carl stood for a moment, in shock, unable to move as his mind fought to catch
up with the moment. A satisfied moan vibrated against his lips, spurring him
into action. He lashed out at Shane, hands moving to push him away, scratch at
his face, anythingto get him to away. He shouted protests against the lips
still moving against his own. His actions got more frantic when a wet, slimy
tongue slithered into his mouth. His mouth was dominating, unrelenting in its
exploration of Carl’s mouth, Carl could taste the man’s whisky on his tongue.
His stomach coiled at the bitter taste whilst his mind tried to keep up with
the hands clawing at his body. One slid along his back, reaching down to grab a
handful of his ass grinding their hips together.  His stomach lurched when he
realised the hardness he could feel was the man’s erection pressing
unforgivingly against hip.
Ignoring the hands pushing at his shoulders, Shane pushed himself harder
against the boy’s hips moaning at the feeling of a soft, warm body against his.
Thisis what he needed. A good hard fuck. He had to get this thingout of his
system, this disease that kept him in a constant state of agitation. His skin
itched when she walked into a room, his anger licked at him like a fire in his
veins at the mere sight of Lori with Rick. It’s what she needed too, he could
feel it even as she pushed at him. She just didn’t want to give it up, she
didn’t want to betray Rick. He got it. Releasing the plump lips in front of him
he trailed wet kisses along the sharp jaw, unable to resist biting at the long
neck. “Don’t worry baby I’m gonna make this so easy for you.”
“What - what do you mean? Shane - you’re drunk.” Carl pleaded “Please- please
just stop for a second.” He pushed more at the hands still mauling his ass hard
enough to leave bruises. Carl could feel tears fall, he’d never felt so scared,
pain bit into him with each scratch of the man’s nails on his skin. He’d never
seen Shane so out of control, almost animalistic in how he bit at Carl’s flesh,
tearing at clothing to expose more of it to his hungry mouth. Carl wriggled
harder, trying to escape the tight grip, all he managed to do was twist himself
around to face away from the snarling face. Utensils clattered to the floor
around them as his hand’s searched for something to help him, anything to stop
the sweaty hands that slid against his flesh.
“Shane -no - stop!” Carl struggled harder against the bruising grip now on his
hips, forcing him back harder onto the man’s hardness. He was repulsed by each
desperate moan that fell from Shane’s mouth, getting more urgent the more he
pushed against his ass.
“Shhh Lori shhh or Carl will hear.”
“What? Shane - no - it’s Carl. Please stop it’s just me.” Carl pleaded out as
his squirmed in Shane’s hold. He tried to resist as Shane walked them forwards
towards the island that dominated the center of the kitchen, but his bare feet
just slid uselessly on the wooden floor. The edge dug painfully into his
stomach as he was forced up against it.
“Stop struggling baby.” Shane gripped the back of Carl’s neck bending him over
the counter. He stepped up to settle between the boy’s legs “You wanted this
before. You fucking begged me for it”
His stomach churned at the words, the smell of alcohol and sweat filling his
nostrils. He could hardly breath, his lungs screamed for air that didn’t seem
to exist in the moment. His chest constricted as it was forced harder onto the
hard surface. A helpless desperation filled him, a petrifying fear inflaming
every nerve in his body as he realised exactly what Shane was going to do. He
struggled frantically against the bruising grip on the back of his neck,
panicking all the more as Shane ground his still-covered cock against his ass.
“Nononono….please…no…please…” His distressed begs fell on deaf ears, his mind
echoed with the clinking of a belt, it spiralled into overload at the sound of
a zipper lowering. Where were his parents? He pleaded and begged for one of
them to come down the stairs, for them to sense he was in trouble. No one came.
Just black spots appearing in his vision before an indescribable pain had him
screaming into the hand now covering his mouth.
 ********
The room was filled with the sound of hot panting, each one burned at the back
of his neck where Shane’s heavy weigh still suffocated him. Carl felt the
acidic burn of vomit creep up his throat at the sensation, he whimpered softly
in pain as Shane finally withdrew his soft dick from his sore body. Still
leaning over the boy, Shane raised a heavy hand and stroked it through the
kid’s sweaty locks. “You are so goddamn perfect. Just like your mommy Carl.” He
planted a falsely soft kiss on his temple. “You should get back to bed before
Rick notices you’re gone.” Wiping the sweat from his own brow, Shane stepped
away from the boy. Not even bothering to redo his pants, the man stumbled away,
crashing once into the wall knocking a photo which shattered onto the floor,
before righting himself and heading upstairs.
Carl, still splayed, face down over the kitchen counter, dragged a trembling
hand up to brace beside his face. He tried pushing himself up but couldn’t will
his trembling muscles to work. Instead he found himself sliding down to the
floor, gasping out in pain as his tender ass hit the solid ground. A cool
breeze from a nearby open window had him shivering as it bit at his exposed
flesh. He fruitlessly grabbed around his feet trying to find his pj bottoms, he
couldn’t remember where they’d fallen. When had they left his feet? Fumbling
hands groped at the waistband before tearing them down pale thighs. Carl
squirmed, feet moving in all directions trying to get the man off him, trying
to get him to juststop. A sharp rap to the head disoriented him, he felt his
legs being shoved apart as Shane steps in closer. He doesn’t remember feeling
any material near his feet, he just remembered the rhythmic brushing of a hand
against his ass. Another hand trailing from down his shoulder blades, lower and
lower until - Carl squeezed his eyes tight against the memory, breathing hard.
He willed himself to get up.
He had to get himself upstairs. He needed to shower. Or sleep. He needed to not
be here not in this room. His hand brushed soft material on the floor. His
bottoms, he slipped them on and slowly stood, trying to cry out as pain flared
through his body.
Gripping the banister tight he looked up the stairs, he wondered if he was safe
going up there. He silently prayed that Shane had passed out in the spare room
as he took a tentative step upstairs, ears searching for any noise. His body
ached with each small movement. He tried to keep his tread light for fear of
provoking another response from the monster lurking in one of the rooms. Carl
flicked the light on in the bathroom, squinting as the fluorescent light filled
the room. He quietly closed the door, locking it as quickly as possible,
fumbling a few times as he tried to get the bolt to slip through the catch.
When it was finally through he leaned against the door and for a few seconds he
felt safe.
The scalding warmth of the shower was a relief to his aching limbs, the
cascading water soothing each scratch and burning away the dirt he felt carved
into his skin. He looked down and felt sickened at the trail of blood, mixed
with something he really did not want to think about, that trickled down his
inner thighs, all the way down his leg and into the drain. He wished he could
follow it. He wished he could be swept away to float into the depths of water.
He wanted to not exist. He wanted to be back in his own bed. Safe. Protected.
With a sharp inhale he focused on getting clean. He stopped thinking about the
warm safety of his bedroom and concentrated on removing the sweat that still
coated his body. He scraped the wash cloth all over himself, digging in deep in
areas he knew Shane had touched. Infected, he thought to himself. He’d infected
him with a sickness that no scrubbing would ever wash away. He felt vomit rise
in his throat again as he started to clean between his legs. The soap easing
the sharp sting he felt. He knew there would be bruises, he could feel them
forming, on his ribs, the side of his legs. He saw crescent shaped dips on his
hips where nails had dug in, a couple bleeding down to join the rest at the
drain. He traced them lightly with his fingers, hissing when he put too much
pressure on one.
Mentally shaking himself he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower
and into the steam filled bathroom. He grabbed a towel and began wiping the
water off, carefully avoiding his new injuries but wanting to dry quickly.
Wrapping the towel around himself he gathered his wrecked pjs and approached
the door. Shaking again, he leaned his ear against the door, holding his breath
to listen out for any sounds of movement from outside. Upon hearing nothing but
the familiar creaks of the old house he unbolted the door and stepped outside.
Carl tiptoed from the bathroom, across the corridor and into his room.
His Godfather had helped him decorate the room. The same hands that had pinned
him down only minutes ago had lifted him up to paint the top of the walls. The
same voice that had told him what a “Good boy”  he was and whispered his
Mother’s name into his ear, had made him cry with laughter at his awful
football jokes as they waited for the first coat to dry. He was just a kid
then, only 8, he was still a kid now 7 years later. He still felt like that
child that needed his mom to kiss his cuts and make him feel better but she
wasn’t there. The time he truly needed her and she wasn’t there.
He made his way across the small room, the moonlight streaming through the open
window being the only light. He grabbed some new pajamas from his drawers and
tossed them onto the single bed that occupied a corner of the room. Dropping
the towel, he stood for a moment. He could still feel each burning touch on his
body. The shower hadn’t done anything to remove the stench of whisky that still
suffocated his lungs. Turning, he threw his clothes on and slid under the
covers, still wrinkled from where he had slept earlier. Before he’d woken up.
Before he’d gone downstairs for a snack. Before...
He thought back to the words whispered in his ear not long ago. “Lori…”What did
he mean? He had always sensed a closeness between Shane and his Mother but he
never thought it crossed any boundaries. “You fucking begged me for it,” Carl
was sickened to think his Mother would ever go near him. He knew his parents
didn’t have the perfect marriage but he never thought his Mom would do anything
hurt his Dad.
HE had called him Lori. When the drunk first stumbled across him in the kitchen
he thought he was his Mother. He realised that with his long hair he looked a
lot like his mother from the back but that couldn't mean… no. His stomach
knotted and rolled. He quickly shifted to the side, stomach trying to heave up
whatever was left of his dinner. NO. He had to stop. He had to stop thinking.
He had to stop thinking about that monster that was two doors down. Staying on
his side he breathed deeply, trying to calm himself. He closed his eyes, hoping
sleep would come quickly.
*********
New_Year's_Day_2016
He woke up to laughter, the familiar grumble of his father’s low chuckle
contrasting with his mother’s light laugh. He felt a warmth spread inside at
the noise. Throwing the covers off himself, he started his usual leap out of
the bed but was soon stopped by the stabbing pain that overtook his body. He
caught himself on his hands as he started to fall, crying out as he landed on
his back. He quickly rolled over onto his stomach to ease the pressure,
whimpering into the cover, he tried to breathe through it.
He’d forgotten.
It all came swarming back to him with each heaving breath.
Had that really happened?
His hand clenched beside his face, he felt an unexpected wash of anger surge
through him. How are they laughing? How could they possibly be laughing with
that man? Didn’t they know what he was? His Dad, the Sheriff, supposedly the
best cop in town, couldn’t tell that his best friend, his ex-partner, was one
of the monsters that he was supposed to catch. His Mom. “Lori baby...yes”echoed
in his head. “You fucking begged for it.”Had she made this happen? Did she
drive him to this? Too many questions spiraled around his head making him
dizzy. He groaned as nausea rippled through him. Pushing his head further into
the covers he tried to control himself. They didn't know. Maybe it was him,
maybe he made it happen? He frantically searched his mind for some kind of
explanation. He thought about every single move he made the day before,
anythingthat would explain what had happened.
Nothing turned up.
Had it happened?
A sharp knock on the door had him jumping in his skin. His stomach churned
wondering who was at the door.
“Caaarrl” He tensed even more when he recognised the drawl of his Godfather.
He couldn’t breathe, his mouth had dried up so that when he tried to talk all
that came out was a small raspy “Wha- what?”
“Stop lazin’ around and get your ass out here. We’re all waitin’ for ya.” He
shouted through the door.
“O-Ok I’m coming now.” He managed to blurt out, stumbling to his feet he
cautiously approached the door. Reaching a shaking hand out he turned the
doorknob and opened it. He was met with a sharp look from his Godfather who
immediately took stepped towards him. Crowding him in against the door frame.
Carl felt a finger jab into his chest as he looked up into piercing eyes that
seemed to go straight through him, he’d never seen such a dangerous look on his
Godfather’s face. His usual softness had hardened it something unrecognisable.
Was that even him? “Carl. Now I don’t need to tell you not to say anything
about what happened last night, do I?”
He jabbed his finger again, heard the boy gasp out in pain. “Do I?” He repeated
“I think your Daddy would be very upset to hear you spreadin’ lies about me.
You don’t want to go and do that just when he and your mommy are finally
sorting things out.”
Carl knew he had a point. His parents had been arguing so much since Mom had
gotten a new job, they never seemed to be home together and when they were they
fought like cats. Something had changed recently though, Lori seemed to be
trying more with his Dad…the clogs in his mind slowly put things together, was
she better because…
“Carl” Shane gritted out jabbing his finger out at the boney chest, it felt
like he was stabbing right into his lungs. “Are you going to be a good boy and
keep your mouth shut?”
“Yes”Carl rasped out in pain “I-I won’t tell them.”
“Good.” Shane relied. Ruffling his hair like he always did, he moved away from
the boy and headed down the stairs “So get your ass down here.” he called over
his shoulder.
Plastering a smile on his face, Carl followed the man down the stairs and into
the waiting arms of his parents.
                                  April_2016

Sixteen today.
Carl considered himself in the mirror. He knew he looked different, not older
but more...worn. He’d lost weight, he’d always been on the slender side but now
he could see his ribs poking out. All his clothes were too baggy now but he
didn’t see the point in replacing them, it wasn’t like he had anyone to
impress. The bruises were too noticeable, too sharp a contrast on his pale
skin, he trailed his fingers along to line of hickeys on his neck. Shane liked
to see them. He liked knowing they were hidden under his shirts, he relished
sinking his teeth into as much flesh as possible. He told him that he loved
knowing that Carl was his. Carl winced as his nail caught a scab from his last
visit with Shane. The man had delighted in scratching deep lines over his body,
so much that many of them bled. He had scabs over his chest, a reminder of
everything that he had to deal with.  
“Come on birthday boy! I wanna have breakfast with you before I head to work.”
His Dad shouted through the door on his way down the stairs. Sighing he went to
his wardrobe to get dressed for the day. He had never really been into fashion
but his choices had dwindled recently, he went for his usual choice of a plaid
shirt over a plain tee. Choosing black for the undershirt as it would hide any
blood should the scars tear open during the day. It had happened once before,
at school, he had to make up a bullshit excuse that he’d been attacked by a cat
before running out of the classroom. That incident had just helped to cement
his outcast status.
Not that he’d ever been particularly popular but he’d had a small group of
friends and he seemed relatively well liked in class. That had changed. Turns
out if you stop making the effort to spend time with people then they stopped
trying with you. He just didn’t see the point. He didn’t want to see them, he
was sick of the same pointless conversations. All they cared about was TV or
moaning about homework and classes. They didn’t see him. They didn’t see how
everyday he was screaming inside for help. They didn’t notice how he’d changed,
they didn’t see how he barely ate because every time he tried he had that damn
voice whispering in his ear. They just saw that didn’t wasn’t around as much
anymore or that he’d stopped talking. Slowly they stopped inviting him to
parties and movies, then they stopped saying hi as they passed in the corridor
and now they don’t even acknowledge his existence.
It was easier this way.
That's what he liked to believe anyways. Now it was his birthday and he had to
go downstairs and pretend everything was normal. He had to pretend to his
parents that he had friends to spend time with at school and that he was
actually excited for the ‘special dinner’ that his mom had planned.  He knew
who would be there, his parents, Shane, along with some more of his dad’s work
friends. He knew it wasn’t really about him. It was a chance for his Mom to
show off her house to the wives, and for his Dad to relive his youth with his
pals. It had nothing to do with his latest milestone.
Sighing again he grabbed his schoolbag from the floor, slung it over his
shoulder and headed down the staircase. He found his family in the kitchen, Dad
at the head of the table reading over the morning paper, and Mom at the oven.
He could see she was making pancakes, his favorite, but she abruptly stopped
when she heard him walk in. Racing over she enveloped him in a hug, not
noticing how Carl tensed up at her touch.
“Happy Birthday honey!” She exclaimed in his ear “Come and sit! I’m making your
favorite! Choc-chip pancakes!”
He faked a smile “Thanks Mom.” He walked over and sat in his usual spot. He
liked sitting where he could look out of the window, he liked watching as the
rain hit the glass, the noise soothing him.
“So, Carl, any plans at school? I know there’s the party this evening but are
you gonna get up to anything after school with your friends?” His Mom asked
over her shoulder as she flipped the latest pancake.
“Umm I think Enid and I are gonna hit the arcade for a bit. I’m not sure.”
“Oooo and how are things going with Enid? You ask her out yet?” His Dad teased.
His Dad had always thought something was going on between the two. He had
kissed her once, in the woods, it was his first. They had never taken it any
further, Carl just wasn’t interested in her in that way and she always seemed
more interested in their friend Ron. Now? Well now they didn’t talk, and Carl
just wanted to get through the day without anyone touching him.
“We’re just friends Dad. No plans for anything more.”
“Carl, she’s a nice girl. Why not give her a chance?” Rick tried again.
“I’ll...uh...I think about it.” Carl replied, getting frustrated with the
constant pressure for him to date. “Look, sorry Mom I’ve gotta go or I’ll be
late for school.” Grabbing his bag again, he dashed out the door to the sound
of his Mom’s protests.
Out in the crisp air he could finally breathe. It was early, he still had an
hour before he had to get to school but he needed to be out of there. He
figured if he started walking now he’d make it to first period. He usually got
the bus for the long journey but he had time and the rain was starting to fade
away into a light drizzle. Turning his head up towards the sky he enjoyed the
refreshing sensation of droplets hitting his face. He hated the bus anyways. On
a good day he got away with a few stares and whispered comments, on a bad day;
it was worse.
There was no one around at this time of day, he relished in the silence of the
neighbourhood. The road that was usually filled with kids playing or cars
driving was dead. He was lucky to live here, or so he was told. His parents
always told him that on days when he would complain that they were both at work
too much. He hadn’t minded as much before, if they worked a lot then it meant
he got so spend more time with Shane. It made him sick to think about how much
he loved that. He used to look forward to those sleepovers where Shane would
teach him the things Rick didn’t have time for. He gave him advice on girls,
and allowed him to practice shooting his gun in the backyard. He let him stay
up late and watch horror films. He comforted him when those horror films made
him too scared to sleep. Those memories were all tainted now, he questioned
every moment of them. Everyday. Every night he analysed everything he could
remember to try and piece together and explanation for what had happened but
the pieces all just fell apart again and again.
He still gets sent to Shane’s. No matter how much he protests or pleads that
‘he’s old enough’ and that he can take care of himself, his parents just don’t
listen. His Dad says it’s because he knows the kind of people that could hurt
him and he feels happier knowing that Shane’s around to protect him.  ‘If only
he knew’ he thought to himself with a twisted amusement. Shane would certainly
protect him from any monster if only so he could keep him for himself. Carl
wondered how much truth there was to that. Shane had definitely succeeded in
keeping Carl as close to him as possible. He came up with every excuse to come
over and be around. He helped alienate Carl from his friends by taking up all
his time, reminding him how worthless he was and how his friends didn’t truly
care.
I suppose he ended up being right about that last bit. Enid had been the last
of his friends to stick it out. Until Shane walked in on them watching TV and
flipped out at her. He called her a slut and a whore, he told her she wasn’t
good enough to be hanging around with Carl. After she had run out crying he had
forced Carl to his knees and made him ‘beg’ for forgiveness. Carl remember he
had forced himself so far down his throat that he could hardly talk that
evening.
Lost in his thoughts he hadn’t noticed his arrival at the school As he looked
up at the beaten building he took a deep breath. Maybe today wouldn’t be so
bad. It’d be nice to have a quiet day on his birthday. Hell, he’d settle for no
beatings. His hopes were dashed the second he stepped into the hallway, a crowd
of jocks who were standing by the door threw something at him. Whatever it was
hit the side of his face and trailed down to the floor.
“Hey! Get a fucking haircut princess!” one of them called out. He heard the
group laughing like hyenas at the insult.
He ignored it and stormed straight into the bathrooms to himself off. Breathing
hard against the mirror he leaned his arms on the sink and willed himself not
to cry. Today was Friday. He just had to get through today then he wouldn’t
have to deal with these people for two whole days. His parents were supposed to
be home all weekend so he might have a chance to relax. He might even have some
time to do his homework that was more than overdue. Splashing his face with
more cold water he gathered himself together for the 10th time that day and
headed out to join the hordes of students heading to class.
**********
Stepping off the bus at the end of the day was one of his favorite feelings, he
was finally free. It was now his time. He could do what he liked as long as he
was home by dinner. He had to get home early today so he’d be ready when the
guests arrived. He didn’t know exactly what he had to do to get ready for these
guests. He didn’t want to change his clothes, he had nothing else to wear, but
he'd been told by his mom to be there early and he still cared enough to try
for her.
The bus stop was only a short walk away from his house and before he knew it he
was walking up the familiar porch steps and walking into the spacious living
room. His Mom and Dad would be at work for a couple more hours. He had some
time. Scrambling up the stairs he changed into his sweats and hurried out the
house again.
He ran. He ran until his legs hurt. Until he burned off enough of his anger and
frustration that he wouldn’t say anything stupid that evening. It helped.
Arriving back at the house he could see his Dad’s patrol car on the drive,
parked next to his Mom’s 4X4. Bracing himself for a lecture after his abrupt
exit this morning, Carl entered the house to the sound of laughter in the
living room.
He was there. Slouched in the corner of the couch, beer in hand, piercing eyes
staring Carl as he entered the room. Carl could feel his gaze burning through
him, he saw the man look him over, he didn’t want to think about the lustful
look that was on his face. He turned his face away to look at his parents, his
Dad was sat on the arm of the chair that his Mom occupied. They were clearly
laughing at something Shane had said but they went quiet when he came in.
“Hey sweetie, did you have a good run?” Lori asked rising from the chair to
pick the empty beer bottles that had gathered on the coffee table. She stroked
him on the cheek as she walked past, frowning when she saw him lean away from
her. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah Mom, I'm..uh… just sweaty from my run. Didn't want to get you all
gross.” 
“Now Carl you can't really say that to the woman who used to change your
diapers” Shane inserted.
Carl’s face burned with humiliation as the room laughed, why couldn't he just
leave him alone? “I'm gonna go shower.” He said as he practically ran up the
stairs. He had to get away from the smug grin. He stripped quickly, tossing his
dirty sweats into the wash basket, and stepped under the scalding spray. He
hurriedly washed. Not wanting to be naked any longer than necessary, not with
him around. He wrapped a fresh towel around himself and headed to the bedroom
to change.
The dinner ended up being uneventful. Everyone got drunk except for him. His
Dad allowed him one glass of wine which, embarrassingly, he spat back into the
glass. It was vile, he couldn't understand why people would drink that for fun.
The taste lingered in mouth even as he shoved the steak into it. Glenn, the
husband of one of his mom's friends, had passed him some water and tried to
make him feel better by sharing the tale of his first alcoholic experience. He
liked Glenn. The guy actually seemed to have an interest in his life, he was
always asking about school and his running. He never appeared disappointed or
uninterested in his answers.  
Carl went up to bed long before any of them had left. He supposed this was what
a Friday night looked like for married couples with children. Something to look
forward to he guessed, if he even made it that far. He dressed for bed and sat
at his desk. It was midnight, no longer his birthday, he felt tired but he knew
there was no way he could sleep with that man in the house. His felt so on-
edge, his ears twitched at every noise, every screeching laugh, every goodbye
as people slowly left the house. He waited with baited breath to see if he
could hear Shane's voice. Was he still here or had he left with the last lot?
It wasn't uncommon for Shane to stay at the Grimes’ especially if he had had
too much to drink.
He heard feet on the stairs. He got up and moved closer to the door to try and
figure out who was coming up. He heard his Mom giggle as feet stumbled down the
hall.
“Niiight Shane!” She laughed out joined by his Dad's quick “G’night” then a
door opened and closed. All was quiet for a moment. Filled with a sense of
unease Carl stepped away from the door. Taking a couple of steps back he tried
to calm himself, not daring to look away from the dark wood. He was frantically
listening out for any signs of movement. Something that would tell him that he
was safe, that Shane was too drunk to do anything and that he would be passing
out in their spare room. The floorboard outside his door creaked. He held his
breath. Hoping the next noise would be another step away.
He was wrong.
The doorknob rattled as it was turned from the other side. It seemed to take an
eternity for the door to open, the moment stretching out as his pulse
skyrocketed.
The door swung open to reveal the scruffy drunk man. He smiled at Carl, a
sickeningly sweet one. "There's my boy, my sweet lil' birthday boy.” He
stumbled forward closing the door behind him. “I missed you down there. It's
not as fun without you.”
Every step Shane took forced Carl to take another back until he felt the
hardness of his wardrobe behind him. Breathing harder he tried to prepare
himself as the man drunkenly crept towards him.
“Where do you think you're going beautiful? Nowhere for you to run to. No one
for you to run to. It's just you and me baby.” Shane raised an arm to push a
piece of hair back from his face, trailing his hand further back to dig deeper
into his hair.
“God I just love this hair” he twirled a strand around a finger watching,
fascinated as it curled and moulded to the shape. “Nice and long just like your
Mom's.” He shifted his gaze to look Carl in eye. He leaned in closer, nipping
on an exposed earlobe he enjoyed the tremor it elicited from his boy.
Whispering in his ear “I just love watching it bounce around when you ride my
dick.”
Carl's stomach lurched, he desperately tried to keep down the acid that was
slithering its way up his throat. He fought every instinct not to shout out as
he was dragged by his hair over to the bed.
The next day he cut his hair.
The following evening Shane beat him so hard at the sight of the cropped hair
that he couldn’t walk the next day.
                                  Summer_2016
June arrived quickly. School ended much to his relief. He has the whole summer
away from all the laughing jocks and shrill cheerleaders. He could get away
from old friends who tried so hard to avoid his gaze. He didn't need to try, he
could just exist.
He rolled over in his bed, languidly stretching on his back, he flicked his
eyes over to check the time. 10:32. Later than he wanted to be in bed but it's
not like he had anywhere to be. He had no plans. He vaguely heard his Mom
pandering around the kitchen, he was surprised that she hadn't tried to wake
him up. Recently she'd been more on at him to help around the house. She was
getting frustrated at his ‘lack of involvement in the family.’ She was always
trying to get him involved, they'd tried a movie night the other evening but it
ended in a huge argument. He’d freaked out when his Dad had wrapped an arm
around his shoulders, the sudden weight of flesh against the back of his neck
throwing him back to that night. He couldn’t cope with them. He couldn't deal
with her trying too hard with him. Not when it was her fault it was happening.
He looked like her.He could change his hair, could lose weight, and change his
clothes but nothing would change how much he was like her. His nose and eyes
were hers, so much of her personality was ingrained into him.
He started to notice little things they did the same way. They both crinkled
their noses when they laughed, they chewed their lip when they were thinking,
and they walked with the same stride. He never realised how much he'd taken
after her. It might have made him happy before but now it just made him angry.
He resented it.
Having washed and dressed he headed downstairs. His Mom was washing the dishes,
singing along to the radio, she looked so happy.
“Morning Mom.” he murmured to her as he grabbed a bowl of cereal.
“Morning Baby. Did ya sleep well?” She asked, drying her hands on a towel.
“Yea…” he grabbed the orange juice from the fridge, drinking some straight from
the carton, blatantly ignoring his Mother’s disdainful look.
“So, do you have any plans for the day?”
“Nah, I think I'm just gonna go for a run then hit the books. They gave us a
load of summer reading this year.”
“Well as nice as that sounds I've made some other plans for you.”
He looked at her in shock. “What kind of plans?”
She sat opposite from where he'd seated himself at the table. “Your Dad and I
have been talking and we thought it'd be a good idea for you to start learning
how to drive.”
He was surprised to say the least, the last time he mentioned driving lessons
his parents had given him a lecture on the importance of public transport and
the safety of driving. His Dad said he'd seen too many accidents to let him on
the road before he was ready.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, we think you're ready for it, and to be honest it'd be good for you to
do something out of the house for a change.”
He ignored her last dig, he was too excited at the prospect of added
independence. Just as he was about to reply the doorbell rang. His Mom jumped
up. “That’ll be your instructor.” Looking over her shoulder as she headed to
the door, “I think you'll be very happy with our choice.”
He followed her over, a feeling of dread settled in his stomach, coiling like a
snake, making him slow his pace. He heard her greet whoever was at the door
with a friendly “Hello!” Before she pulled the person into a tight hug. His
eyes met predatory brown ones over his mother's shoulders.
Shane smirked at him “Hey there Carl, you ready to start driving?” He withdrew
from the hug but Carl couldn't help but notice a hand linger on her hips.
He scowled at him in reply.
“Come on Carl, don't be so moody-”  His Mom admonished him “-you might even
have fun!”
“Yea’ Carl. Come on” Shane walked closer “let’s go have some fun.”
He saw the determined look on his Mother's face and realised there was no way
out of this. He reluctantly grabbed his sneakers and joined them back at the
door. Waving goodbye to Lori, Shane slung an possessive arm over Carl's
shoulders and led him out to his car.
Almost immediately he felt suffocated in the car. His breathing became more
erratic, body leaning as far away from Shane as he physically could given the
small space.
“Now Carl, you gotta listen to everything I say here. If I tell you to do
something you'll damn well do it. We clear?”  
He nodded, refusing the look at the man. He focused on his hands on the wheel,
they were turning white under the pressure.
“Ease up there boy.” Shane rubbed his hand on Carl’s knee, massaging softly.
“You need to relax.”
Carl watched with a sickening fascination as the hand caressed up his knee and
onto his thigh, curling around to lay heavily on his inner thigh. He could feel
the sweaty heat from the hand through his jeans. He was glad he'd worn them
instead of the shorts he'd considered. He couldn't handle the thought of that
hand on his bare leg.
“Carl”
His voice snapped him back into focus.
“Let's do this. First you wanna check the mirror….”
The lesson went without a hitch. He even managed to forget who he was with. It
was almost like before. He loved driving, not as relaxing as running but there
was something to be said about watching the road just fall away in front of you
 
Just as he began to relax slightly he realized that they'd driven out of the
cosy neighborhood and into the rural area of town. It was quiet, he realized
they hadn't passed another car in a good ten minutes. He had no idea where they
were, there were no street signs around just trees and fields.
Pointing to the left Shane spoke “Pull up over there.”
There was a small layby in on the side of the road. Slightly concealed from the
road by thick trees, he probably wouldn't have noticed it had Shane not pointed
it out to him. The car slowed to a stop, the air conditioning stopping, leaving
them to sit in the stale heat of the summer.
He waited. Shane was looking over at him, he never really stopped looking at
him. Carl had become as accustomed with his gaze as he was with breathing.
“Not bad for your first go Carl. We might make a driver out of you yet.” Shane
reached out to run his fingers through the boy’s hair. “I'm so glad you decided
to grow this back out. It really fuckin' suits you.”
Like Carl had a choice on the matter. He could still remember the horrific lash
of the belt on his bare body. It had taken him weeks to be able to move around
properly after that. He'd learnt his lesson. 
“It's a nice thing I'm doin’ here Carl.” He paused “Teaching someone to drive
is a big responsibility. Most people get paid for it and while I don't mind
doin’ your parents a favor, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to show me a little
more appreciation.”
Carl’s mind spiraled with the suggestion. He couldn't mean that? Not here.
Anyone could drive past and see them. His heart pounded against his chest. He
could run. Then what? Shane would catch him, he clearly knows this place. He
knew there would be no one around.
Breathing faster he heard the clink of buckle followed by a zip that seemed to
resonate through the entire car. He didn't want to look. He gazed resolutely at
the wheel in front of him. He didn't have to look. He wouldn't.
“No need to be shy on me baby, I know how much you like it.” Shane cooed at him
like he was some girl he picked up at a bar. Like someone who wanted this.
Didn't he realise?
A hand gripped the back of his head and dragged him closer to the older man's
lap. He was forced to look down at the large, red cock that stuck out of the
man's jeans, already leaking at the head. Instinctively he tried to pull his
head back but the hand held him firm, clenching down at the back of his neck. 
“Now, now, Carl. Thank me for giving you such a great lesson today.”
Swallowing, Carl forced down the vomit that was threatening to seep out of him.
He took a shaky breath and started to lower his head down.
                                 Christmas_2016
He passed his test not long after his first lesson. His parents were surprised
that he did it so quickly but they didn't know he had an extra motivation to
pass. Every lesson ended like the first. Carl stopped waiting to be told to
drive to the layby he just starting heading there after an hour. They invited
Shane for dinner to celebrate and thank him. After, when his parents had gone
to bed, Shane asked for another kind of thank you.
After all that effort he found his life didn't really change with his license.
He still got the bus to school. He still ran every chance he got. Shane still
found excuses to see him. Same old, same old. Autumn came and went. Halloween
and Thanksgiving passed with the same traditions. The decorations came out of
the closet and as usual Shane joined the family to help put up the decorations.
His Mom sang carols whilst his Dad put up the decorations outside, and he, well
he had to put up with Shane groping him whenever he had a chance. He could feel
his gaze burning into him whenever climbed a ladder. He felt his body press up
against him every time he leaned over to help him put up a light.
Carl took another shower after he left. Shane hadn't stayed. Hadn't done
anything more than occasionally graze a hand along his back but he couldn't
stand to have any part of him linger on his body. He scrubbed and scratched
till he was raw. He could still feel it though. The heavy handprint on his back
felt like a burn that would never heal.
He wanted to believe that Christmas Day would be different. He hoped that his
parents might feel like a quiet Christmas with just the three of them. His
hopes were dashed as Shane arrived first thing for church. Greeting the whole
family with hugs and cheer it was clear to Carl that he'd already been
drinking. His stomach sank lower as he was forced to sit between Shane and the
edge of the pew. He couldn't move any further away and Shane kept pressing up
against his side. A hand moved casually onto his knee, some might see it as a
fatherly gesture but he knew it really meant a promise for things to come. He
could feel sweat break out on his forehead as he was suffocated by the smell of
Shane's bitter aftershave. He focused his eyes on the floor as he willed the
pastor to finish. He needed air.
******
“Carl, are you gonna eat any of that or are you going to just keeping pushing
it around?” his Dad questioned. Putting his own utensils down to wipe a
pristine napkin around his face he continued “I thought we gotten over playing
with your food.”
Carl looked up, he hadn't realised how little of his food he'd actually eaten,
everyone was staring at him. Avoiding eye contact he muttered out a quick
“sorry” and shoved a piece of turkey in his mouth.
“Carl…” His Dad sighed at him.
“Not now Rick.” Lori interrupted. She finished her glass of wine, not her first
one Carl noted to himself.
Rick sighed yet again. Carl tensed. He was getting sick of all the sighing. All
the words not being said. He was never good enough for them. Ever.
The remainder of dinner was painful. The adults drank their wine and discussed
their day. Carl tried to eat whilst avoiding his Mom’s searching gaze. Had it
always been like this?
He could hardly remember the last time they'd had a decent family dinner. It
was probably last year…
He remembered the joy that filled the table. He'd been so excited to get a new
Xbox for Christmas; his Mom had let him play it all afternoon. His Dad even
joined his for a race. Then they'd eaten a turkey dinner that seemed to top all
the previous years, but then he thought that every year. Shane had been there
with his latest girlfriend, Andrea? He only vaguely remembered the dull blonde,
he recalled that he'd been more annoyed that she'd kept Shane's attention away
from him.
Stupid, stupid Carl.
He helped his Mom with the dishes after. His Dad went off with Shane to smoke
cigars, as per their tradition. He fended off her constant questions. He didn't
want her to know him. Not when she had never been honest with him. He'd figured
it out. He knew his Mom had cheated on his dad. With Shane. He had pieced it
together from Shane's words, it had kept him distracted whilst the man took
from him again and again.
“Mom,” he interrupted another one of her questions. “I'm just gonna go up to
bed. I'm super tired and I promised I'd help out at the church tomorrow.” It
was a lie but he knew his Mom wouldn't question it.
Another concerned look from her. “OK Baby, see you in the morning.”
Avoiding the room where his Dad and Shane sat, he ran up the stairs and into
his room. It was only 8. He flopped out onto his bed and buried his face into
his cushion. He wanted to disappear into it. He wanted to leave the darkness
that swallowed him no matter where he went or what he did. The monster was
always lurking, tainting his world and everything in it. He was drowning in it
and no one could see. He was screaming and no one could hear.
Click
The sound of the door had him scrambling upright and back against the
headboard. Breathing hard, he felt like a fly pinned on a web, forced to lie,
paralysed, waiting for the big, bad spider to swallow him whole.
“Your Dad asked me to come up here and talk to ya.” Shane sauntered forward
till he was beside the bed. “Apparently you've been acting all moody recently
and they wanna know what's up.” He sat. “I told ‘em it's just the usual teen
angst, not gettin’ laid enough ya know? Now that made your dad laugh.” Settling
a firm hand on Carl's knee “Made me laugh too cos I knowthat's not true... Or
have you been feelin’ left out baby?”
He shifted forward again crawling up to cover Carl's body with his own. He
nudged Carl's lips with his own. Whispering over them “Don't worry I'll give
you what you need.” He settled himself lower down between Carl's thighs. Lower
than normal.
That night Carl had his first orgasm. He cried as the pleasure tore through
him. Forced him to grab at Shane's slick shoulders as he tried to find
something to tether him in the darkness.
Broken and crying he was left to curl up Shane finally exited the room.
Then, seven days later, he was cornered in his room again. A heavy weight
straddled him as voice whispered in his ear “Happy Anniversary Baby.”Carl
shivered as the familiar sound of a lowering zipper echoed in the room.
                                  April_2017
Seventeen.
Would it ever end?
Could he make it to the end?
 
***** The Negan Interlude pt.I *****
Chapter Notes
     So ladies and gentlemen! The time has arrived to welcome Negan! I
     decided to make this chapter very Negan-centric to give you all a bit
     of backstory. The majority of the fic will be in Carl's POV but every
     now and again we'll revisit the mind of our favourite bad boy.
     Enjoy! All comments are welcomed.
     Chapter warning: Slight violence.
 
     "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical
         substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." 
                                  - C.G. Jung
                                        
===============================================================================
 
 
                                  August_2017
He grunted as he dropped the last box in the middle of the floor. Wiping sweat
from his brow he looked around at all the boxes that surrounded him. Who the
fuck woulda thought he owned so much crap? Next time he moved he was chucking
everything, and starting afresh. He could not go through this shit again.
His eyes caught on his trusted baseball bat, one of the first ones he owned.
“Don't worry baby daddy's gon’ keep you around” He caressed the handle like the
precious gem it was. Some might look at it and see an old, worn piece of wood
but he saw the history. He saw the marks where he’d smashed it against a wall
in frustration after losing a game as a teen, he could feel the indents of
where his fingers had gripped the bat hard over the years, and there were the
old blood marks from where he’d accidentally hit an old teammate. This bat had
got him through the good and the bad, and now it had followed him to his newest
home, Lawrenceville, Georgia. Boresville, in the middle of fucktown, he thought
to himself, once again questioning his decision to leave Seattle. He knew it
was the best thing but the thought of being stuck in this shit excuse for a
town made his head hurt.
Rubbing his temples, he turned to head into the kitchen, he needed a drink
after all that heavy lifting.
He found the box marked ‘booze and shit’ and dug out his favorite whisky and a
glass. He settled into the corner of the couch not covered in boxes and relaxed
into the plush cushions. He stroked a hand along the brown leather, another one
of his prized possessions, he’d bought this nearly 10 years ago when he moved
into his first house and it had done him well. He sipped at his drink, enjoying
the sweet burn as it trickled down his throat. God this is what he had needed,
all the stress from the day eased away with every sip.
Looking around at his new home he had to admit that he’d gotten damn lucky with
it. He managed to find a spacious cabin, hidden away in the woods, for a decent
price. Selling his house in Seattle had left him with a more than generous
budget for his move so he splashed out on the best cabin he could find. He
wanted peace and his own space, he wanted to be away from the shitty suburbs
where everyone knew your name and your damn business. A sanctuary from all the
fucking bullshit that seemed to follow him around. The cabin was decorated with
dark, wooden furnishings that fit perfectly with the forest setting. It even
had a damn spiral staircase that dominated the living room. He’d bought it for
the fireplace really, it was a grand, stone fireplace that would entertain him
on the nights where TV would bring him no peace. He'd placed the couch right in
front of it, his celebrated bat would hang over it once he put the fixing up.
Another job for him to do before the weekend was over.
He'd left it a bit late to move. He was starting his new job on Monday, Coach
for the local high school. A bit of a step down from college coach but it's
what he needed.
Scoffing at the thought, he threw back the rest of the amber liquid and poured
himself another one. Leaning his head back he stared at the ceiling, it was too
high, how the fuck was he ever gonna clean up there? He shook his head. This
must be small town livin’, nothing better to do than to clean, cook, and drink.
With a sigh he stood, placing his glass on the small table in front of the
couch, he made a start unpacking all the boxes.
**********
His first week hadn’t been too bad. He had to deal with all the damn schmoozing
that came with any new job. The Principal had been too enthusiastic in
introducing him to his new colleagues, apparently a college coach was
considered a big deal in a town like this. He fuckin’ hated this shit but he
did it. He smiled and charmed his way through the school, he flirted with the
women, and talked sports with the guys. He was given the ‘grand tour’ of the
school on his first day, he remembered most of it from when he came down for
the interview but the Principal insisted on giving him ‘special treatment’, and
it got him out of having to teach in the first few periods so he couldn’t
really complain. Walking the dingy corridors gave him serious flashbacks to his
own high school experience, not that he spent much time in the corridors, he
was almost exclusively found under the bleachers smoking pot, or fucking
whatever dumb blonde he fancied that week. Good times he thought to himself. He
was knocked from his thoughts by a figure that barrelled around corner and
straight into his chest. He steadied himself and just about heard a muttered
“Sorry” as the figure swerved around him and scurried down the corridor.
“Grimes! Watch where you’re going!” The Principal called after the kid “I’m so
sorry about that. Kids these days! They just seem to have their heads in the
clouds.”
Still watching the hunched figure in the distance he absently replied “No
worries, you don’t get to be a coach without learning how to get knocked about
a bit.” Just as he opened his mouth to ask more about the kid the other man
moved on in the tour, and the conversation moved onto trophies and statistics.
He forgot all about that small figure until the next afternoon.
He was out clearing up after football practice, none of the idiots had offered
to stay and help so he had to spend his own time doing it. Fuckin’ idiots he
thought to himself. It was definitely a change from his usual bunch of jocks
who threw themselves at his feet for a chance to play on his team. But that's
what you get when you leave a top ten team and head out to the sticks. He was
carrying the balls back to the cupboard when he saw him. He recognised the mop
of hair on the boy’s head from the previous day, 'Grimes,' that's what the
Principal had called him. He was running laps around the track and damn that
kid could run.

He'd never really paid much attention to track before, his focus had always
been on football but as a sportsman he could always appreciate a good runner.
The kid was fast. He didn't recalling seeing him at athletics practice
yesterday and wondered why a runner like that wouldn't have been forced onto
the team. He watched him for several minutes, the kid did lap after lap after
lap and didn't seem to be slowing down. Good stamina too then, he was intrigued
by the boy, wanted to know exactly why his ass wasn't out there winning the
school trophies.
“Hey kid!” He shouted. There was no one else around so the kid slowed and
looked his way. With a flick of his hand he gestured for the kid to come over,
watching as he jogged towards him. Coming to a stop, the kid stood before him
panting in exertion. “Need some water?” He asked him slightly concerned that
the scrawny figure would collapse in a heap in the floor.
The boy shook his head. “No I'm good… thank you.” He panted between words. “Is
there something wrong? Did you need the track or...?”
“No. No. I just - what's your name kid?” He asked.
“Carl.” Was all the response he got. Jesus, kids did not know how to have a
conversation these days.
“Right, Caaarrl.” He rolled the name out of his mouth like he was experimenting
with it “Good name. Carl Grimes? I'm the one you bashed into yesterday. Coach
Negan.”
Carl visibly flushed in front of him. “I'm sorry about that I just- I- um.”
Carl went quiet for a moment “I just wasn't looking where I was going.” His
eyes shifted to the floor.
Feeling bad at the guilty look on Carl's face he lightly tapped the boy’s
shoulder. “Don't worry about it. I've had bigger men than you push past me.
I'll live.” Jesting aside he hadn't failed to notice the flinch from the boy at
the light tap. “You alright? Sore shoulder? I know I didn't hit ya that hard.”
Carl looked up at him sharply, was that fear on his face? “No- no I'm fine I-
just. I've just been carrying loads of books around. Hurts my shoulder.” He
responded. “Am I in trouble? I just need to get home soon it's getting late.” 
“Riiight. No, you're not in trouble. I saw you running out there. You're good.
I mean really damn good. Why aren't you on the team? I could do with someone
like you out there. We might actually win something this year”
“Oh...um… thanks I…. I just like running. Team sports...they're not really my
thing.” He eventually replied. Huh, this kid was something else. He couldn't
remember a time he'd had someone turn him down. This was new.
“I thought trophies and attention was every teenagers thing.” He joked back at
him.
The kid looked away, Negan thought he caught a flash of sadness on his face.
Before he could add to him comment the kid met his gaze for the first time. He
was taken aback by the determined look on his face.
“Look, I'm not interested OK? I run because I like it not because of some
goddamn trophies.” Then he turned and ran away from him.
Negan could feel his mouth fall open. What a little shit! He choked out a laugh
in disbelief, that kid had some fucking balls that's for sure. He could count
on one hand the amount of people in the world that would have the guts to walk
away from him, and now he could count on one finger the amount of people that
would run away from him. Grabbing the abandoned bag of balls from the ground he
hoisted it over his shoulder and made his way to the store cupboard. Shaking
his head, he thought about the boy all the way home.
**********
He kept seeing that damned kid. He literally ran laps around him as he
attempted to sort out the dumbass football jocks. He didn't know what it was
about him, but he kept drawing his attention like a moth to a flame. It'd been
a week since they'd first met and he couldn't help but want to know more, or
maybe it was just that he couldn't help but want to recruit the kid. Negan knew
he was one for wanting the best and this kid was the best.
His eyes followed the boy as he walked from the field and into the locker room.
Maybe he'd try having another chat with him if he was still around after he was
done with these fuckwits.
Just as he blew the whistle for end of practice Carl walked out of the locker
room and started across the field. Leaving the jocks to sort themselves out
Negan jogged over to join the boy on his walk.
“Hey kid, that was some run today. New record for you?” Negan asked, trying his
hardest to be as friendly as possible.
Carl gave him a weird look. “I have no idea. I don't really keep track.”
Another short answer from the kid. Jesus.
“Riight...” Negan tried another tactic “So why do you run so much? Most
students want to get the hell outta here after class not spend two hours
running around the track field.”
Carl stopped and turned to face the coach. “Is there a reason you wanna know?
If this is about me joining the track team again I can tell you know that it's
not happening.”
“What?! Nooo.” Negan faked, the kid saw right fuckin' through him. “I was
genuinely curious.”
Carl started to say something then faltered. He took a breath and looked Negan
in the eye. “Why?”
Negan was taken aback by the kid’s searching gaze and the almost desperate way
he asked him why. Negan struggled to find the answer. Hell, he didn't know why.
He had convinced himself that it was because he wanted to recruit him but there
was a part of him, a small part, that just wanted to know more about the guy.
He didn't know why.
At the lack of reply Carl started to walk off again. Not wanting him to leave
so quickly Negan grabbed the boy's arm, putting just enough pressure to stop
him moving so quickly. Carl inhaled sharply at the gesture and immediately
tried to move his arm away. Negan released him as soon as he saw the pained
look on the face.
“Jesus you OK kid? I didn't mean to hurt you…”
“No, it's fine you didn't… I...um…hurt my arm on my locker earlier and it's
still sore. You didn't hurt me.” Carl interrupted still rubbing at his arm.
“You want me to take a look at it?” Negan asked, concerned. “I'm no doctor but
I know a thing or two about bruises.”
“NO!” Carl shouted out, Negan saw his eyes widen in shock at his own outburst,
faltering slightly before speaking again. “Uh…. honestly it's fine. It's just a
knock. Thank you though.”
“OK, if you're sure-?”
“Yes.” Carl quickly responded.
A stagnant pause filled the air. Neither knowing what to say. Negan sighed,
realising the discussion wasn't going to go anywhere so gave the kid an out.
“I'll let you get home then. Just take care of that arm alright?”
A curious look filled Carl's face. “Yeah...um...I will.” With an awkward wave
he turned and walked away.
Negan watched him go.
**********
“Don't they ever help you clean up?” Carl asked the shocked Coach.
Negan was, once again, clearing up the shit left by the football team. He and
Carl had exchanged a few conversations in the last week. Mostly Negan bugging
Carl about his running and Carl fending him off with excuses. Negan had
actually made the kid smile when he tried to bribe the kid into joining the
team. What a brilliant smile it was. Maybe it was because he'd only ever seen
the kid miserable but his smile seemed to make his whole face glow. Shut the
fuck up he told his brain, he should not be thinking gooey shit like that,
especially not about a student.
Negan looked up at him. “And get their hands dirty? I think the town would fall
if that happened.” Carl's lips turned up at the sides, not a smile but enough
to make Negan’s stomach flip at the sight.
“Do… do you want some help?” Carl tentatively asked.
Frowning Negan asked. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.” Was the response.
“You not afraid I'm gonna ask you to join the team again?”
Carl barked out a laugh, it sounded almost rusty, like he didn't do it often.
“I'm sure you'll ask just as I'm sure I'll turn you down. Again.”
Negan chuckled, this kid knew how to keep surprising him. “Alright, could you
gather up the cones in the floor? Just keep ‘em in a pile.”
They worked together, mostly in silence, Negan making remarks every now and
again about how messy the jocks were and how ‘he didn't get paid enough for
this shit.” Before long everything was cleared away and stored, ready for the
next session.
Both panting lightly from the exertion they stood enjoying the cool fall
breeze. Negan contemplated the kid. He'd never really had a chance to see him
up close and relaxed. The boy was too skinny, anyone could see that. He could
probably wrap his hand around his bicep without any trouble, heck he has
wrapped his hand around that bicep. Even with all the baggy shirts Carl wore,
every now and again he would catch a glimpse of a protruding bone when he was
running. His eyes had dark circles under them, lack of sleep or lack of food?
Judging by the lethargic pace the boy kept when he wasn't running he'd guess
both. Not for the first time he wondered more about Carl. All he knew was that
he liked to run and that he didn't like competing. Not much to go on.
Carl interrupted the peaceful silence. “I should get going. It's getting late.”
Negan checked his watch. Half five, shit he hadn't realised he had kept him so
long. “Damn, sorry Carl I didn't realise it was so late. You gonna be ok
getting back? Is there a bus that runs this late?”
“Umm no” He hurriedly added “but it's fine I normally walk home anyway. It's
nicer.”
“Huh, never thought I'd hear a teen prefer fresh air and exercise. You are just
full of surprises Carl Grimes”
He flashed a small smile at that comment. “Yeah. Anyways I'll...uh… see you
around.”
“Yeah see ya kid.”
Once again Negan found himself watching him walk away.
**********
They fell into a kind of routine after that. Carl would run laps whilst he
attempted to get the team into some sort of shape. Then Carl would head into
the locker room to change before sitting on the bleachers until practice
finished. Once the team had left the field they'd start clearing up together.
As time passed they found conversation easier. Carl was actually a pretty sassy
fuckin’ guy. He kept up with Negan and his, at times, crude comments. It didn't
seem to bother him that his language bordered inappropriate nine times out of
ten. Their conversations stuck on neutral ground, mostly them jokingly tearing
the shit out of each other. Guy stuff. Nothing mushy.
He wanted to know more though. He still didn't know why the boy ran so damn
much. It couldn't be for fitness or he'd be eating a helluva lot more. He still
wasn't competing so why bother torturing yourself every day? Why did it bother
him so much that he didn't know anything about him? The thoughts occupied his
mind whilst they cleaned up that afternoon.
“Coach?” Carl's voice broke through his thoughts. “I think we're all done now.”
Looking around he realised the kid was right, the field was empty save the tall
goalposts, the sunset shone through one of them making the pitch glow with a
deep amber. Damn it was a beautiful.
“You know, that is why people live out here.” he pointed to the sunset. “You
don't get that in the city.” he went to sit on the bleachers. It wasn't every
day that you got to enjoy a view like this, and he wanted to make the most of
it. No, he needed to, sometimes he forgot that the world could be good and
beautiful. Much to his surprise Carl perched next to him, not quite fully
settling down, almost as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to commit to staying.
“So, where did you live before?” Carl asked, breaking the silence that had
fallen between them.
Looking over at the boy, he leaned to rest his elbows on his thighs. “Seattle,
up in Washington.”
“Bit of a distance from here. What made you move?” Carl settled himself more on
the bench, Negan felt his shirt sleeve gently brush his bare arm. He skin
tingled at the contact. Jesus how touch deprived was he? Getting all shaky over
a damn shirt sleeve. He needed to go out, get hella drunk, then screw some girl
in a bathroom. He shook his head, trying to focus himself back on the question.
“Uh…just need a change of pace. People left, things changed, and the city
stopped bein’ fun when I had no chance to enjoy it.”
“Huh.” was Carl's only response his brow furrowing. Negan loved the simplicity
that came with youth, nothing needed questioning, they just accepted whatever
was thrown at him. Maybe resilience was a better word.
“So, you ever gonna answer my question?” Negan asked, looking over at the boy's
face.
He saw it curl up in confusion.
“Why do you like running?” He clarified. The boy's mouth formed a slight O on
recognition.
“Does it matter?”
“Yeah, it matters because I wanna know and I answered your question so it's
only fair you answer mine. Quid pro quo and all that.”
“What?” Carl queried scrunching his face in confusion once again.
Shaking his head, fuckin' youths. “You need to watch better movies kid. Never
mind for now. Just answer the question? You trying to impress a girl or
something?”
“No.” Carl started, almost reluctantly he continued. “I just enjoy it. It's
easy. You don't have to think about anything, you just run. One foot in front
of the other. Nothing to screw up, no one to impress, and there's a freedom to
it. I can go anywhere I want, all I have to do is put on my shoes and go. I can
leave whenever, and no one will follow if I don't want them to. It’s… it’s like
coming up for air when you think you’re gonna drown. It's something that's
mine. No one can take it away from me.”
“Wow.” Negan stroked along his beard, tongue poked against his teeth as he
contemplated what the boy had said. Damn deep for a 17-year-old. “Thanks for
tellin me.”
“Did the answer live up to your expectation?” Carl joked at him.
“Damn, kid you always exceed my expectations.” Negan replied, a small warmth
formed at the smile that appeared on the boy's face. Jesus, he was getting
soft.
They both went quiet, enjoying the moment, and together they sat, side by side,
watching the sun fade over the field.
As the sky darkened the temperature dropped and Negan felt Carl shiver next to
him. As much as he was enjoying the peace he felt in the moment he didn't want
the kid to get ill. “We should get you home. It's late and I'm not having you
die of pneumonia because of me.”
Car looked over at him. Another curious expression covered his face, why was
this kid so damn hard to read?
“Yeah, that'd be bad. Might ruin your evening.” Carl joked as he stood.
“Hey!” Negan stood moved so he was facing opposite the teen. “It would ruin
more than my damn night. Don't even joke about that.”
Carl looked away, a flush filled his cheeks. “Sorry.” He said “I just forget…”
Trailing off at the end, a small hand reached up to rub at the back of his
neck.
Frowning Negan spoke “Forget what?”
“Nothing.” Carl replied “Doesn't matter. I'll... see you tomorrow. Same time.”
He grabbed his bag and went off.
Negan chased after him. “Whoa, you don't get to make a comment like that and
just walk off.”
“Can we not?” Carl kept moving as he spoke “It was a stupid thing to say. I'm
sorry if it upset you.”
“Upset me? No. That's bullshit I want to know what you meant.”
Turning to face the Coach, Carl stopped moving “It was just a joke. Thank you
though... for being bothered. It means a lot.”
His words struck Negan, left him frozen momentarily. Long enough for Carl to
slip away, leaving Negan alone with his thoughts
**********
He blew his whistle. “Alright you losers get your asses into the locker room
and clean yourselves up. We'll practice more tomorrow. Same time.” He rolled
his eyes at the grumbles from the boys. They'll learn to suck it up, bunch of
pussies. Of course, no one stayed to clear up again. One of these days he was
gonna make ‘em clear all this shit up he thought as he bent to pick up an
errant ball. He briefly wondered where Carl was, the guy was usually out of the
locker room by now.
He shrugged to himself. Kid was probably takin’ his time jerkin’ it in the
shower or somethin’. God knows he did enough of that at high school. He picked
up some of the kit and began to take it inside.
Walking past the locker room he heard a loud thud followed by a painful moan.
Frowning he dropped the bag he was carrying and pushed the door open. Noise
filled his ears as he took a step inside, softly closing the door behind him.
“Look how fucking pathetic he is guys! Can't even stand his own against one of
us. Maybe we should just put you out of your misery.” Another thud this time
followed by a heart-breaking whimper.
He grabbed one of the baseball bats lying around before picking up his pace, he
quickly found where the commotion was. Five of his players were surrounding a
small heap on the floor, he quickly identified the heap as Carl, his little
runner.
“Someone better explain what the ever-loving-fuck is going on here.” At the
silence he roared “NOW!”
He saw them all looking at each other, panic filled their faces. Good he
thought, they better be pissin’ in their fuckin’ pants right now. Lifting the
bat, he pointed at one of them, the one that looked the closest to shitting
himself. Nice and easy to break he thought to himself. He gave a quick glance
down at Carl, the boy had unfurled himself but still remained on the floor. He
was checking a cut on his leg. His anger intensified at the sight of blood
against the pale skin.
“You wanna tell me what you and your little friends were doin’ here? Cos I sure
as shit better hear a good reason why that kid’s on the floor, covered in
blood”
“Uh...well…umm… sir-”
“Jesus fucking Christ.” he interjected “I want a reason not your fuckin life
story. You.” he pointed the bat at one of the darker haired boys, Simon he
thought his name was “Tell. Me. What. Happened.”
“We found him like this Coach, we were just trying to help him.”
“Sure it really fuckin looks like it. What did he fall on the floor and you
accidentally kicked him?”
“I…-”
“The question was fuckin’ rhetorical. You must think I’m stupid as shit to
believe something like that. I know what this is” He slowed walked in front of
the guys. “This is you boys trying to pretend to be men. Frankly, it’s one of
the most pathetic things I’ve ever seen.” He pointed at each of them in turn
with the bat “Listen up boys and listen good, if I catch any of you even LOOK
at Carl again I’m gonna take this bat and I’ll bash ALL of your heads in. Maybe
then we’ll see if you’ve got any brains” Theere it was, the fear that spread
over their faces was like a dream for him. Better than sex he was tempted to
say. “Now get the fuck out of my sight and don't bother coming back for
practice tomorrow you're all dropped.” He silenced their protests “What part of
‘get the FUCK out’ did you idiots not understand?!” They scurried from the room
like rats, and Negan turned his attention back to Carl.
Kneeling down next to him he reached a tentative hand out to his shoulder. The
boy flinched away. “Hey, hey it's OK it's just me.” he held his hands up as a
surrender. “I'm not gonna hurt you here Carl I just need to take a look at you.
I gotta make sure you're alright, OK?”
Carl sniffed then, after a long pause, nodded.
“OK, ok how about we get you off the floor and onto one of these benches? Can
you stand?”
Another sniff “Yeah… I think so.”
Negan stood and offered a hand to the kid. Carl looked at his hand, then at his
face, it was almost like he was examining him. Negan felt himself shiver at the
questioning look and gestured again with his hand. “C’mon, just lemme help.”
Carl looked at the hand again but this time he tentatively reached his own out
to meet it. Negan noticed the shake in the small grip but used it to help him
stand just enough to move over to the bench.
“OK let’s take a look, where does it hurt?” Negan enquired, heading over to the
locker he knew contained a first aid kit.
“Honestly I'm fine. I just need a band-aid for this cut and I'll be alright.”
Carl replied gesturing to his leg.
Negan stopped at the bench and looked at him in disbelief. “Do you honestly
expect me to believe you were curling up in a ball there because of a cut?”
Clearly getting frustrated Carl snapped back “I don't need you to believe
anything. I just want the band-aid so I can go home.”
“C’mon Carl this is me you're talking to, I know I've only known you a couple
of weeks but I thought at least we were straight with one another.” No
response. Inhaling deeply, he said “If you let me have a look at your ribs then
I'll get you the band-aid.” Putting on his best ‘innocent’ face “I promise.”
Sensing the man wasn't going to drop the matter Carl complied. He hiked up his
shirt just enough for the man to see the bruises that scattered his torso.
“Jesus, those fuckers did that to you?” Negan exclaimed regretting it
immediately when the boy dropped his shirt and flinched away from him “Shit,
sorry kid I didn't mean to scare ya. I just can't believe they'd be so…” he
couldn't find the words. “is it ok if I…?” Negan let his sentence trail and
used his hands to gesture at his ribs again.
Carl slowly raised his shirt again, eyes focused on the floor. Negan kneeled
down before him, laying the kit beside Carl on the bench, he reached his hands
out and gently laid them on Carl's ribs. He could feel him trembling under his
touch. Not wanting to upset him any longer than necessary he did a quick check
over to make sure nothing was broken. He muttered a quick ‘Sorry’ when his
touches caused the boy to flinch away.
“OK all seems good, could you just breathe in for me? Deep as ya can.” Carl did
as he was told only letting out a small whimper as he reached capacity.
“Alright, think they're just bruised you should be fine with some painkillers
but you might wanna tell your parents so they can get a Dr to check you out.”
Moving his hands away he was shocked to see a few angry looking bite marks just
above the boy's hip bones. He frowned at the sight, and made to ask about them
but Carl dropped his shirt and stood.
“Thanks Coach. I better be going now. I'll make sure to grab some aspirin when
I get home.”
“Yeah, OK kid. You gonna be alright gettin’ home?”
“Mmm yeah I'll be fine.” He said as he dashed out the door. Not bothering to
look back at the concerned Coach.
Negan sat back on the bench, resting his elbows on his knees, and stroking his
beard as he considered what had happened. He supposed it wasn't too strange for
a teen his age to have hickeys but those ones, they just didn't seem to have
been left in the heat of passion. He rubbed his hand across his face. He was
thinking too much into it. All that damn teacher training got too into his
head.
Barely three weeks in and he already needed a break.
Arriving back home he chucked his bag down by the door, keys flew into the
dish, and shoes settled somewhere on the living room floor. He strolled over to
his mini bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. He was doing this far too much
recently but god it helped.

He crouched down to light the fire. Basking in the heat that seeped through the
air. He rolled his head to try and diffuse the tension that built in his
shoulders. He ended up sat on the floor by the fire, his hand holding his glass
perched on the top of a raised knee. He enjoyed the peaceful sounds of the fire
crackling and the heat warming his feet. He thought again of the boy. It hadn't
escaped his attention that some of the bruises he saw were old. He'd spent
enough time getting bashed about as a quarterback in college. He knew his
bruises. Some were weeks old. He wondered how long this had been going on for.
How many times had those idiot jocks cornered him in the locker room and beat
the crap outta him?
Pinching the bridge of his nose, kids were fucking brutal, if you were in the
wrong side of them they could make your life hell. It would explain why the guy
was so touchy around other people.
Fuckin assholes. He'd have to deal with those shitheads, no doubt they'd be
complaining to mommy and daddy about getting cut. He wondered whether it was
worth telling the Principal about this, would it help? He knew that it was rare
for them to actually do anything but something told him that he needed to
do something to help this kid. He just didn’t know what.
**********
He didn’t see Carl the next day at school, or the rest of the week. He kept an
eye out, hoping to see the familiar figure on the running tracks or even a
glimpse of brown curls in the corridors. Nothing. Needless to say he was
concerned. He even had another word with the idiots from before, just to make
sure they hadn’t been poking around where they shouldn’t be. He was secretly
pleased that he’d made such an impression on them that his mere presence was
enough to have them cowering like kids caught with candy. They’d all sworn Carl
had been in class, that he’d been acting his usual self. “Freaky self” as one
of the boys dared to put it, he made him regret it. Detention and extra laps
for two weeks. Just what the boy needed. He couldn’t help but wonder if Carl
was avoiding him. He couldn’t help but wonder why that thought bothered him so
much. It wasn’t like the kid owed him anything, but Negan had gotten used to
their afternoon routine.
He thought he was getting somewhere with Carl. He'd opened up to him on the
field about his love of running, something that was clearly personal to him.
They'd even joked around together, something that he didn't think Carl did very
often. For him to clam up on him like that in the locker room felt like a step
back. Maybe Carl thought Negan would think less of him because he was being
bullied? For some reason that thought was intolerable to him. Surely Carl would
know by now that he didn't give a shit what other people thought. Then again
they had only been around one another for a couple of weeks. Something told him
he'd only just scratched the surface with Carl.
He honestly wondered what the hell made Carl so hated in school. When he’d
raised the issue it another teacher they just said that Carl brought it on
himself because he didn’t “Play well” whatever that fuckin’ meant. Carl seemed
like a decent guy to him, a bit short on his temper but nice, well-spoken. Just
not deserving of beatings in the locker room.
**********
Subconsciously he started looking out for him everywhere he went, the corridors
in the morning, the track field, he even kept an out when he was in the staff
room. Late one night, and only after several shots of whisky, he realised that
he cared for him. The boy had crept into his thoughts and made himself at home
there. He brought out a fierce protectiveness in him that he didn’t even think
himself capable of. Downing another shot, he promised himself that he’d always
be there to look out for the boy.
 
***** Hope *****
Chapter Notes
     annnd we're back on Carl. Time for his perception of their first
     meeting. If all goes to plan updates will come every Tuesday and
     Saturday.
                                        
"Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty
         that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."
                                - Vaclav Havel
 
===============================================================================
 
                                  August_2017
 
He'd at least made it to the new school year. Another summer filled with his
parents, Shane, and more dread about the upcoming term. His final year. What
should be a year filled with making final memories with his friends and
planning for college will probably be spent the same as last. Getting hit in
the locker room, pushed in the corridors, and dealing with the ever-increasing
glare of disapproval from his teachers.
As if he cared what they thought.
Sure, he was thinking about college, he just wanted to get away from this
damned place, from Shane and his groping hands, and from his parent’s obvious
disappointment. He had no idea where he'd even apply to. His grades, although
decent, were nowhere near what was required for the Ivy League. He had to deal
with the gut wrenching realisation that his dream of going to Yale would never
come about. He'd cried into his pillow that night, so hard he thought his
parents were sure to run in. They didn't. It was another thing that Shane had
ruined for him. He just didn't have it in him to study hard anymore. What was
once a beloved pastime had become a hell for him. He couldn't focus. All the
words just blurred into one, growing more and more indistinguishable as he
tried to focus. More than once he was left pulling his hair in distress as he
tried to finish homework that was due the next morning. Most of the time he
managed to scrape together just enough to pass but it was becoming more
frequent for him to spend time in detention for failing to hand work in. Not
that he minded of course, it kept him away from home. The only downside was
that he couldn't go for his after school runs on the field.
He promised himself that he'd try harder this year so he could spend more time
out there doing what he loved. Maybe it wasn’t all over for him, maybe he could
get away, if he got his grades up this year then he could go to a decent
college and start over. Something had to change or he was gonna snap, shatter
into a thousand pieces like he’d been so longing to do since that first night.
As he got ready for his first day back, his mind whirled with possibilities for
the day. Maybe he should try more, maybe it wasn't too late to try and repair
lost friendships. He snorted as he grabbed his backpack, he didn't want them
back. Any sort of longing for their friendship ended when they turned their
backs on him. He just needed to finish the year then he'd be gone. He could
float away from this place and finally free himself from the chains he was in.
Rushing out the door he didn't even bother to say goodbye to his Mom who was
sat watching TV in the lounge. They hadn't spoken much recently. They'd gotten
into a big argument this summer over Shane. She'd wanted him to go over and
help his Godfather redecorate. He wanted to stay as far away from that monster
as possible. She kept pushing and pushing. Eventually he blurted out a skewed
insinuation about her true relationship with Shane. She looked at him with pure
shock, fumbled for more information from him. He then stormed out of the house
to the sound of her trying to call his name.
She'd tried to speak to him again later but he didn't want to hear it. He only
spoke to her now if his Dad was around and even then it was only one word
responses. After several weeks of this, his Mom stopped trying and they spent
their days in a silence with one another. He could see the misery on her face
whenever he entered a room, a brief expression of hope would form but would be
quickly dashed when he once again ignored her. Good, he thought to himself, it
gave him a sick sense of justice to know that she was unhappy. That maybe, for
a single moment, she felt an ounce of the pain and despair that he felt every
minute of every day.
Arriving at school for the first day back was like walking into a hive of bees.
He was surrounded by people squealing and hugging each other, the corridor was
filled with conversation, of friends reuniting after weeks of being apart. Carl
couldn’t stand it. He had to fight his way through the crowds to his locker
where he picked up his books for first period. Keeping his head down, shoulders
slumped, he tried to make himself as indistinct as possible as he headed to the
classroom. As he was walking a hand appeared out of nowhere and slammed down on
his books, forcing them to the floor. The hallway erupted into laughter, Carl
could feel himself flush as his knees hit the floor, desperately trying to pick
up all his books so he could leave.
“Watch yourself Grimes.” A voice whispered into his ear. Flinching away, he
finally grasped the last book and walked off as quickly as he could. The laughs
echoed in his ears as he turned a corner and went slam into something warm and
solid. Another flush filled his face when he felt gentle hands on his arms
keeping him upright. He blurted out a quick ‘Sorry’, twisted out of the hold
and raced away down the corridor. He vaguely heard his name being called behind
him but he ignored it and pushed through the rest of the crowds until he
reached the classroom. Finding a spot at the back he briefly wondered who it
was he had crashed into.
He was left alone for the most part that afternoon, he couldn’t face lunch in
the canteen so he chucked his packed lunch away and sat in the library. He
actually made time to visit the school guidance counselor so he could book an
appointment to discuss colleges. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to
but he was gonna need all the help he could get if he was ever going to leave
this town.
He didn’t go running that evening, for the first time in awhile he wanted to
study. Excitement had passed through him as he looked through the college
brochures that he’d picked up in the office. He considered the smiling students
looking up at him through the pages, he tried to imagine himself as one of
them. Tried to imagine getting up in the morning to spend time in classes he
enjoyed with people that liked spending time with him. He couldn’t picture it,
but he could try. Hope told him that maybe it would be different away from this
place, maybe he could be the guy that he once was. So he sat down that
afternoon, at his desk, and worked on his first essay of the term.
**********
The following school day passed uneventfully, he went to class, was pushed into
several lockers, and picked at his lunch alone in a corner of the bustling
canteen. No homework was given that day, the teachers must have been in a good
mood or something, so it left him with ample free time that afternoon. As the
bell rang, ending his final class, he got up and headed towards the locker
room. He had about ten minutes to change before the football players would
arrive to get ready for practice, enough time for him to slip into some gym
shorts and sneakers. Making the familiar walk to the track he felt himself grow
lighter with each step. Finally, he thought to himself when he reached the
start line. As he took off running he failed to notice the hazel eyes following
him on the field.
Time flew by as he ran his way around the track over and over again. He
relished the time where he didn’t have to think, all he had to do was breathe
and run. The world simply fell away. He hardly noticed when the football team
left the field he just kept his pace and enjoyed the silence that had fallen
over the pitch. It was just him and the grass, or so he thought until he heard
a voice yell at him across the field. Turning his head, he saw a large figure
gesture at him to come closer. Mentally groaning he slowed his pace to a jog
and moved towards it, why couldn't he just be left alone? More importantly who
on earth was this guy and why did he want to speak with him?
His questions were quickly answered. Coach Negan, he vaguely remembered hearing
something about the old Coach retiring, about time really, he hadn't won the
school any trophies for as long as Carl had been there. His mind flickered back
to the previous day when he’d all but mowed down the man in the corridor. Guilt
filled his body as he thought back to how he had just left without making sure
the guy was alright.
He apologised profusely to the Coach when he finally made it over to him,
hoping that he hadn’t made another enemy in the school. Not expecting the man
to touch him he winced in pain as his hand made contact with one of the many
bruises left by Shane.
He was surprised when the conversation turned to his running. He could hardly
believe that the Coach was actually asking him to join the track team. He
looked around quickly, wondering if the football team were about to jump out
and laugh at him for daring to believe that the man thought he had talent. That
didn’t happen and he was left to make excuses for not joining the team.
“I thought trophies and attention were every teenager’s thing?” The man had
said.
Carl looked away from the Coach. Yet another reminder that he wasn’t like the
others. He was an abnormality, a freak, singled out from the rest of the herd.
Anger quickly replaced the sorrow he felt and he snapped at the Coach who the
fuck was this guy? Who was he to ruin the bit of happiness that he’d felt after
his run? Not wanting to be around him any longer, he turned and ran from him.
He didn’t stop until he was back in the locker room. Quickly changing back into
his normal clothes, Carl started the long walk home thankful when he saw the
Coach had left the pitch. Anger filled him the more he thought about the
Coach’s comments. Another person who wanted him to be something he wasn’t, who
wanted more from him than he was willing to give. Sure, he’d felt a small
amount of warmth at the compliment the Coach had thrown at him but he didn’t
want another obligation. He shouldn’t have shouted at him though. He was just
doing his job, he needed good students on his teams so he could look good and
win shit. It wasn’t his fault that Carl was incapable of seeing the good in
anyone anymore. Just another person to add to the list of people that he’d
pissed off.
Sighing Carl grabbed his keys from his bag, unlocked the door, and entered his
house. The thud from his bag echoed in the room, overpowering the noise
emanating from the television. Shane was sat there on his Dad’s favorite chair,
beer in hand, watching some football game. His ears listened out for any noise
in the house to suggest that he might not be alone with the man, eyes not quite
willing to lose sight of the monster seated in front of him.
His body trembled when predatory brown eyes landed on his, breathing quicked
they dragged up and down Carl’s body. He felt naked already, he wanted to curl
his arms over himself, hide away so he’d stop looking at him.
Shane put the bottle of beer down on the small table next to him, switching his
attention fully on Carl. “How was school?”
The casual tone of his voice made Carl sick, as if he cared how school was, as
if he was there for anything but the twisted acts that he would inevitably
force on Carl. He hated this shitty pretence of caring, it was so much easier
to hate him when he behaved like the monster Carl knew was lurking around.
“Caaarl?” Shane snapped his fingers. “It’s rude not to answer, need me to give
you another lesson on respecting your elders?”
His face burned crimson as his mind remembered the humiliating spanking that
the man had given him last time he’d dared to mouth off to him. It was worse
than any beatings that he'd given him with his belt. He’d forced him over his
lap like a fucking child, his knees as hard and unforgiving against his stomach
as the hand was on his bare ass. He didn’t stop until Carl begged him to,
nearly choking on his own tears as the pain became too much. Shane seemed to
take a greater pleasure when he fucked him afterwards, slapping his hand down
on Carl’s burning ass over and over as he took him hard. He never wanted to
experience that again so he spoke up, voice trembling as fear struck at his
heart. “Nono, I’m sorry.” He tried to act contrite, hopeful that Shane wouldn’t
feel the urge to do anything. “I…was just…I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”
“Your parents decided to go out this afternoon, asked me to keep an eye on you.
Make sure you don’t get up to anything you shouldn’t.”
His heart sunk with the knowledge that his parents weren’t around, nothing
there to stop Shane from doing whatever he wanted. “Oh.” Was all he could say
in response. Awkwardly standing there, he knew Shane would only chase him down
if he left the room, it’d be worse for him if he walked away but there was no
way in hell that he was going to move in closer.
Shane’s head tilted to the side, eyes continuing their pervasive investigation
of his body. “C’mere.” He cocked two fingers, gesturing him closer.
Carl’s feet dragged as he did as he was told, stepping forward another few
inches until he was an arm’s distance away from the man. He didn’t want to get
any closer, he wanted to run, he urged himself to run. Hair-tearing frustration
overwhelmed him when his body wouldn’t comply, it never did, it never fucking
listened to him. Useless piece of shit.
“Take off your clothes.” Shane commanded, slouching back in the chair, getting
comfy before the show.
The soft cotton felt like concrete as he dragged it over his head, mind
protesting each of his movements. He shivered as the cold air in the room hit
his bare chest. His hands were shaking too much, he fumbled at his belt,
growing more frustrated when the hard leather wouldn’t budge. A loud ‘tut’
filled his ears before he was yanked forward the buckle, he stumbled before
collecting himself. Watching as Shane’s large hands quickly unbuckled it, he
flinched at the sound of it whipping through the loops, an all too familiar
sound that usually came from Shane.
His almost ran when those hands turned to the fastening of his jeans. “Thought
we were past the state of me having to take your clothes off Carl, you’re a bit
too old now to need the help.”
He wanted to cry. He wanted to run. He wanted to stop feeling those calloused
hands brushing over his body as he stripped him of the rest of his clothes.
Shane sat back when he was finally naked, eyes once again resuming their causal
perusal of his body. He knew better than to try and cover himself up, so he
curled his hands into fists and dug his nails into his palm, focusing on the
pain rather than the burning gaze scorching at him.
After a few more excruciating moments of this humiliation, Shane patted his
knee. “C’mon, come sit on Daddy’s lap.”
Carl nearly threw up then and there at his words, not the first time Shane had
forced him to play the dutiful son. It was a common occurrence now for Shane to
force Carl to call him ‘Daddy’ he seemed to relish in the perverted takeover of
his best friend’s role. He did as told, letting the man position him as he
wanted, straddling him so he sat flush against his body. He allowed his mind to
float away the second those hands started caressing his body, getting lost in
thoughts of running again, feeling the breeze on his skin instead of sweaty
palms.
**********

He went to the track every day. Carl thought that he might be able to convince
his body to start acting as it should. It felt like running was the only time
he had actual control over himself, he could push harder, go faster, slow down.
He made the decisions. Deep down he hoped one-day running would become so
ingrained in his system that he’d have the courage to run from Shane. It was
the only time he could breath.
The Coach hadn’t tried to speak with him since their last conversation but
every now and again their eyes would catch on one another as he made his laps.
Carl knew he was watching him, it made him want to show off, to prove to him
that he was just as good as anyone else. Having finished another run, he went
to the locker room to change. He hurried as he heard the whistle blow to end
practice, he did not want to be stuck in there when all the jocks came in.
He didn’t expect to be joined by the Coach on his walk across the field. He
most certainly didn’t expect him to start on at him to join the team again.
“Hey kid, that was some run today. New record for you? He was asked.
Since when did the man keep such a close eye on him? It was almost unsettling
to think that he was watching him so much. “I have no idea. I don't really keep
track.” Carl wasn't lying. He never bothered timing himself, what was the
point?
“Riiight. So why do you run so much? Most students want to get the hell outta
here after class not spend two hours running around the track field.”
Irritated, Carl stopped moving and turned to face him. He was getting annoyed
with this guy's constant interrogations. “Is there a reason you wanna know? If
this is about me joining the track team I can tell you that it's not
happening.”
“What? Nooo.” The older man replied, “I was genuinely curious.”
Carl looked him in the eye, why did it bother him so much that he wanted to
know about him? He tried to search him for any sign of mockery but found
nothing but a questioning gaze. He was tired. He was tired of people faking
concern and trying to get him to do things he didn't want to do. He didn't
understand why, so he asked.
He could tell he had surprised the man. He saw the confused look form on his
face. Seconds passed. He scoffed to himself, he knewit, Negan was just like the
rest of them. Wanting something he didn't have the right to take. So, he walked
away. He was stopped by a sharp pain shooting up his arm caused by a large hand
wrapping around his bicep. Instinctively, he tugged his arm away, briefly
surprised that he was able to do so.
“Jesus, you okay kid? I didn't mean to hurt you…”
Carl was touched by the concern the seeped through that sentence. Once again,
he found himself having to lie to the man about his injuries. What had he said
last time? He was losing track of them all. “No it's fine you didn't… I… um….”
C’mon Carl think of something you idiot “Hurt my arm on my locker earlier and
it's still sore.” Feeling bad at the guilty look on Negan's face he added “You
didn't hurt me.”
“You want me to take a look at it? I'm no doctor but I know a thing or two
about bruises.”
Panic shot through him causing him to shout out a quick “NO!” Shit, should not
have done that. The last thing he needed was more questions. “Uh… honestly it's
fine. It's just a knock. Thank you though.” Remember your manners Carl he
thought to himself.
“OK if you're sure-?”
“Yes.” Yes, yes I'm sure I don't want you to see exactly what my Godfather does
to me when people aren't around, he mentally added.
More silence. Carl looked around wondering if it'd be alright to just leave.
“I'll let you get home then. Just take care of that arm alright?” Negan said.
Carl didn't understand the other man. Why did he care? Realising he should
probably answer he said “Yeah… um… I will.” He lifted a hand to wave at him and
walked away.
He didn't stop thinking about the Coach the entire way home.
**********
He couldn't recall the last time he'd actually spoken with the school
counsellor. He hadn't really felt the need to talk with them, they couldn't
help him, not with Shane, but he knew that if he wanted to go to college he
needed some advice. With his previous dream of going to Yale dashed he had no
idea where else to even consider applying. So, there he sat in one of the
uncomfortable plastic chairs waiting to be called in. He glanced up as another
student left the office, his eyes followed them out of the door he couldn't
help but wonder why they were there. Stress? College? Something else? He often
wondered if there was anyone out there like him, anyone that might understand
what he was going through.
His musings were interrupted by a gentle voice calling his name. He looked up
to see the Counselor smile and wave for him to come in. Gathering his bag, he
went into the small, brightly colored office.
“Please Carl, take a seat.” She gestured to one of the chairs that faced her
desk. He sank into one and sat for a moment. Not quite sure where to even
begin. It was stiflingly hot in the office, he could hardly breathe through the
heat that spread her damn sickeningly, sweet perfume through the room.
“So Carl...” she began, rustling through some papers on her desk “I can see
we've never met before, which is quite unusual for my students.”
Carl rubbed the back of his neck, he felt awkward, he knew he should have made
more of an effort to see her at least once a year. He just didn't have it in
him to face the reality that he grades were not what they once were. It was bad
enough dealing with his parent’s lectures, he wasn't sure if he could handle it
at school as well.
“Yeah… I'm sorry about that. I just-”
“Carl.” she interrupted “I think I know what happened.”
He looked up at her, shocked. Did she know? Maybe as a counsellor she had a
hidden instinct. He heart raced at the idea that she could see through him.
Looking down at his transcripts she continued “You became lazy didn't you? I've
heard about you from most of your teachers. You don't talk in class, even when
you're called upon you only answer as briefly as possible.”
Carl felt his cheeks heat up. He didn't realise that his teachers would be
talking about him behind his back. “I-uh- it wasn't laziness. I just had
trouble concentrating.” he tried to defend himself.
“Well whatever it is you need to sort this out. Are you looking at college?”
“Yeah...” he replied tentatively
“Carl, I’m going to be honest with you, at this point I’m not sure if you’re
committed enough to go to college. Your grades have slipped dramatically these
last couple of years. I’m amazed that you’ve even kept a 3.0 GPA considering
all the time you’ve spent in detention. Combining that with your lack of
extracurricular activities, it makes it very difficult for me to recommend you
for a college.”
Carl looked down, first clenching as embarrassment took over him.
“Look it's not all over. You managed to do surprisingly well on your SATs.
That'll make you look attractive for some colleges, if you can sort out your
grades this term then there's a chance you might have a shot at some good
colleges.” she said.
He abruptly stood up, he didn't want to be in this room anymore. This was such
a mistake. “Thanks for the advice. I'll-uh think on it.” he spoke over his
shoulder as he left the office.
He rushed through the corridors and into the locker room. Changing as quickly
as possible and ran out onto the track, wanting to forget the last hour.
**********
Leaving the locker room two hours later he spotted the Coach out on the field,
once again picking up all the crap. Carl felt bad for the him, he wondered if
he'd known how bad the team was when he agreed to take them on, or if he'd been
blindsided by it. He checked the time 4pm, it was still early, he wasn't quite
ready to head home yet. Not with thoughts of college still bouncing around his
head. Deciding to throw caution to the wind he approached the man still on his
knees gathering balls.
“Don't they ever help you clean up?” He asked the Coach, noting the small
glimpse of surprise cross his face as he turned it up towards him. He could
feel his lips twitch up at the man’s reply, that had been happening a lot
around him. It was refreshing for someone to be so blunt with him. He could use
that kind of distraction right now.
He saw brows scrunch together in confusion. Followed by a quick “Seriously?”
“Seriously.” he affirmed.
“You not afraid I'm gonna ask you to join the team again?”
Carl felt a laugh erupt out of him. Internally he cringed at how raspy it
sounded, then again it had been awhile since anyone or anything provoked that
response from him. “I'm sure you'll ask just as I'm sure I'll turn you down.
Again.” He teased.
Negan’s laugh had sent another wave of warmth through him. “Alright, could you
gather up the cones on the floor? Just keep ‘em in a pile”
Carl nodded and started on his task. He couldn’t help but notice how well he
and the Coach worked together. They flowed around each other, passing bags, and
swapping places with an effortless ease. He listened to Negan's rants, laughing
inside whenever Negan insulted a particular jock that he hated. Carl was
actually disappointed to see that they’d finished. They stood together looking
over the field until Carl realised with a jolt that it was late. The sun was
setting and he still had an hour long walk home.
He spoke up “I should get going. It's getting late.”
Carl observed as Negan checked his watch, saw how his eyes widened when he saw
the time. “Damn, sorry Carl I didn't realise it was so late. You gonna be
alright getting back? Is there a bus that runs this late?”
“Umm no.” He hurriedly added “But it's fine I normally walk home anyway. It's
nicer.” He wasn't lying, as annoying as it was having to walk he enjoyed the
fresh air.
“Huh, never thought I'd hear a teen prefer fresh air and exercise. You are just
full of surprises Carl Grimes.”
There it was again, that warm flush. It brought a smile to his face. “Yeah.
Anyways I'll...uh… see you around.”
“Yeah see ya kid.” was the response he got. Carl began his walk home. Not such
a bad end to a bad day.
**********
Laying in bed the next morning, his thoughts flitted back to the meeting with
his counselor. Rage filled him when he thought about the words they'd
exchanged. Who the fuck was she to say those things about him. Lazy she had
said. He couldn't believe her ignorance, she hadn't even tried to listen to
him. Just wrote him off as a student that didn't give a shit. He wished he was
like that. He wanted more than anything to not give a shit.He cared so much
that it hurt.Every time a paper came back with a large D on it he felt himself
die a little more inside. He grew angrier with himself that he couldn't do
better. Be better.
He went through the day in a rage. Striding down the corridors he ignored the
comments thrown at him. He pushed back against any shoulder that bashed into
him. He went through the day not thinking. He just wanted to finish the day and
run it off. He had to run so he didn't go crazy.
Breathing in the fresh air on the field he nodded a greeting at the Coach and
started. Finally.
He ran to the sound of a harsh voice shouting at the players. He tried not to
think too much. He wanted the voices in his head to shut up for just a minute,
for the first-time running didn’t help. As he slowed to a walk his stomach
still felt like it was tied in knots. His head pounded with thoughts of his
failures, his failure to get good grades, be a better son, even stop Shane.
Maybe if he managed to fight him off that first time things wouldn’t have
gotten this bad. Maybe he’d even be heading to Yale next fall. He drowned
himself in lost dreams as he helped Coach to clear up. He knew he wasn’t being
excellent company but it was all he could do at that moment.
The Coach seemed lost in his own thoughts as well, it wasn’t until Carl told
him that they were finished that he realised they were done. He watched him
stand and look across the pitch. His broad shoulders blocked out the light as
he stood in front of the setting sun. His face glowed where the sun hit his
features.
“You know, thatis why people live out here.” he pointed to the sunset. “You
don't get that in the city.”
Carl watched him sit and stare out at the field. He heard the wistful tone in
his voice, he wondered, not for the first time, what had brought a guy like him
here. Couldn't be for just the sunset. He moved to sit beside the man, not sure
if his presence would be welcome, he didn’t want to intrude on a private moment
but he couldn’t help but ask. “So, where did you live before?” Breaking the
silence that had fallen between them.
Their eyes met as the Coach turned his head to face him.
“Seattle, up in Washington.”
Wow, big city. He couldn’t even imagine getting so far away. He couldn't see
why anyone would move from a place like that to this dump of a town.  “Bit of a
distance from here. What made you move?” Taking the answer as an invitation to
stay Carl settled himself more on the bench. He listened carefully, waiting for
the man to answer him.
“Uh…just need a change of pace. People left, things changed, and the city
stopped bein’ fun when I had no chance to enjoy it.”
“Huh.” was Carl's only response his brow furrowing. He still didn’t get it. He
didn’t want to push the man though. Whatever happened must have been horrible
enough to force him to move.
“So, you ever gonna answer my question?” Negan asked, looking over at the boy's
face.
His mind flicked through their conversations in his head, like looking through
a file cabinet, as he tried to figure out exactly which question he was talking
about.
“Why do you like running?” He clarified.
Right. That one. He couldn’t fathom why on earth he was so desperate to know
the answer. Trying to get out of it he asked. “Does it matter?”
“Yeah, it matters because I wanna know and I answered your question so it's
only fair you answer mine. Quid pro quo and all that.”
“What?” What on earth was he talking about? Quid pro what?
“You need to watch better movies kid. Never mind for now. Just answer the
question? You trying to impress a girl or something?”
“No.” Carl started, he knew he wasn’t going to get out of this one. Carl had to
respect that the Coach had at least been honest with him when he answered his
questions.  “I just enjoy it. It's easy. You don't have to think about
anything, you just run. One foot in front of the other. Nothing to screw up, no
one to impress, and there's a freedom to it. I can go anywhere I want, all I
have to do is put on my shoes and go. I can leave whenever, and no one will
follow if I don't want them to. It’s… it’s like coming up for air when you
think you’re gonna drown. It's something that's mine. No one can take it away
from me.”
“Wow. Thanks for tellin me.”
“Did the answer live up to your expectation?” Carl joked at him. He hoped he
hadn’t disappointed him and he certainly hoped that now he had the answer the
Coach wouldn’t lose interest in him.
“Damn, kid you always exceed my expectations.” Negan replied. Carl smiled back
at him. He really didn’t know what to make of him. He confused him, feelings
he’d rather not think about bubbled to the surface at the small brush of an arm
against his. So, he stopped thinking. He sat, by his side, watching the sun
fade in the horizon.
Carl felt himself shake as the temperature suddenly dropped. He didn’t have a
jacket on him, just the thin sleeves of his plaid shirt offering protection
against the brisk breeze. He should get home.
“We should get you home. It's late and I'm not having you die of pneumonia
because of me.”
“Yeah, that'd be bad. Might ruin your evening.” Carl joked as he stood. Negan
blocked his way as he stood in front of him.
“Hey” The Coach looked him in the eye “It would ruin more than my damn night.
Don't even joke about that.”
Carl looked away, he could feel his cheeks burn. He hadn’t meant to upset him.
He was shocked that the man seemed hurt by the thought of him dying. He didn’t
think anyone would be bothered by that. “Sorry.” He said. “I just forget…”
Frowning Negan spoke “Forget what?”
“Nothing.” Carl replied, he’d said too much. He needed to leave. Now. “Doesn't
matter. I'll...see you tomorrow. Same time.” He grabbed his bag and went off.
“Whoa, you don't get to make a comment like that and just walk off.” He heard
the man catch up to him, just keep moving he thought.
“Can we not?” He really wasn’t in the mood for a discussion like this.  “It was
a stupid thing to say. I'm sorry if it upset you.”
“Upset me? No. That's bullshit I want to know what you meant.”
He had to get him to stop so he turned and spoke his mind.  “It was just a
joke. Thank you though. For being bothered. It means a lot.” He wasn’t lying.
It meant more than he wanted to think that the man stood in front of him cared.
He didn’t believe it was genuine but in that moment he wanted to live in the
fantasy that he had someone there for him.
**********
He felt his heart sink into his stomach as he saw the jocks enter the locker
room. Five of them. He briefly wondered where the rest were, not that any of
them would help him but it might make them think twice about starting anything.
He tried to ignore them, he turned his back and reached down to stuff his
shorts into his bag. The bag was kicked out of his hands. Sighing he watched as
it slid over the slick tiles. No chance of just walking straight out of here
then. Carl stood to face the guy that towered over him. He swallowed the ball
of fear that crept up his throat. He knew the guy, Simon, they had French class
together. Earlier that day he'd accidentally embarrassed the guy by pointing
out several flaws in his pronunciation.
Holding his chin high he asked, “Can I help you?”
Simon laughed at him, a high hyena-like screech. “Can you help? Well let me
fucking think Carl.” He mockingly placed a hand under his chin, trying to look
pensive, Carl just thought he looked constipated. “You fucked up in class
today. Made me look bad in front of my girl and you know that shit doesn't go
down well with me.” He cracked his knuckles.
Carl stepped back in response, looking around for a way out. There was none, he
was surrounded on all sides by this buffoon and his knuckleheads. Seeing Simon
step forward he closed his eyes and waited for the pain to hit. He didn't have
to wait long, the feeling of hard knuckles struck the left side of his chin
forcing him into one of the boys in the circle. He felt himself be pushed to
the floor, his hands scraping tile as they tried to mitigate the impact. A
quick kick followed and left a brutal pain in his side, he could feel a moan
escape him.
“Look how fucking pathetic he is guys! Can't even stand his own against one of
us. Maybe we should just put you out of your misery.” Carl felt another kick
hit him, too close to an old bruise, he couldn't stop another whimper. Maybe
they should just put him out of his misery, at least then he wouldn't have to
deal with this anymore.
“Someone better explain what the ever-loving-fuck is going on here.” A voice
echoed in the now quiet room. Carl flinched as the it bellowed “NOW!”
He looked up to see the Coach pacing in front of the boys, baseball bat gripped
firmly by his right hand, Carl was pleased to see utter fear on each of the
boys faces. The Coach looked pissed, Carl didn't think he'd ever seen such
anger on anyone's face before. His eyes were fierce as he stared each of the
boys down, his body tense as if ready to strike out at any moment, even Carl
felt scared of him. Now the attention was off him Carl unfurled himself from
the ball he'd tucked into. He was sickened to see red splotches across his jean
leg, rolling it up he could see a fairly deep cut on his shin. Must have
happened when he fell to the floor he thought to himself.
He heard another shout from above. Quickly glancing up, he watched as the coach
dismissed them all. He briefly worried that this would come back badly on him
once the rest of the team found out what had occurred. His thoughts were
dismissed by a shaky hand on his shoulder, he couldn't help but flinch away
from it, couldn't help but feel a tear trickle down his face at the pain he was
drowning in.
The Coach spoke again, “Hey, hey, it's OK it's just me, I'm not gonna hurt you
here Carl. I just need to take a look at you. I gotta make sure you're alright,
OK?” He had never heard anyone speak so softly. He sniffed and nodded.
“OK, ok how about we get you off the floor and onto one of these benches? Can
you stand?”
Another sniff, he cautiously moved his legs around, not too much pain. “Yeah… I
think so.”
He felt the man leave his side and stand, Carl saw a arm stretch out to offer a
hand to him. Carl was fascinated by it. Who was this guy? Why was he helping
him? He looked up into his eyes, searching them for any reason not to trust
him. He couldn't find one. “C’mon, just lemme help.”
Carl felt his hand shake as he reached out to meet the one in front of it. He
watched as their hands slot together, the touch made him shiver. He felt the
grip tighten as he was pulled up, the man's other hand crept to rest gently on
his side, keeping him steady. Carl couldn't stop shaking. He wanted to leave
this room, he wanted to get away from this man and his kindness. Who was he to
try and make him trust him?

“OK let’s take a look, where does it hurt?”
Everywhere he replied in his head. His body ached from the kicks, the pre-
existing bruises protested at the new impact on his small frame. He really
didn't want to get into it so he just said “Honestly I'm fine. I just need a
band-aid for this cut and I'll be alright.”
“Do you honestly expect me to believe you were curling up in a ball there
because of a cut?”
Getting frustrated Carl snapped at him. He did notneed another adult telling
him how to feel. “I don't need you to believeanything. I just want the band-aid
so I can go home.”
“C’mon Carl this is me you're talking to, I know I've only known you a couple
of weeks but I thought at least we were straight with one another.”
Carl contemplated his words. He wasn't wrong, he knew every word Coach had said
to him was the truth, he could feel it. Then again, his instincts had been
wrong before. He remained silent.
“If you let me have a look at your ribs then I'll get you the band-aid. I
promise.”
Carl looked up at the innocent look on his face. In any other situation he
would have laughed. He sensed the man wasn't going to just leave him on his
own. He reached with shaking hands to the hem of his shirt and raised it enough
for the man to glimpse at his ribs.
“Jesus, those fuckers did that to you?” Negan exclaimed. Carl dropped his shirt
at the words. He felt embarrassed, like all of his weaknesses were laid bare
before the man. He knew he could see the bruises, bite marks, and scratches. He
wanted to hide.
“Shit, sorry kid I didn't mean to scare ya. I just can't believe they'd be
so…is it ok if I…?” At least he thought it was the jocks. That made it easier.
Hearing his words, Carl slowly raised his shirt again, eyes focused on the
floor. Negan's face appeared in his vision as he kneeled before him. Cold hands
touched along his ribs. He could feel how gentle he was trying to be but he
couldn't help but flinch at each touch that brushes a bruise. At least it was
over quickly, as light as the touch was he could barely stand having anything
against his bare flesh. He breathed deeply when asked. He could hardly believe
the pain as his lungs filled.
“Alright, think they're just bruised you should be fine with some painkillers
but you might wanna tell your parents so they can get a Dr to check you out.”
Breathing a sigh of relief as the hands were removed from his body. The relief
quickly disappeared when he saw the confused look on Negan's face. He followed
the man's gaze realising that his eyes were resting on the bite marks above his
hips. He dropped his shirt and quickly stood.
“Thanks Coach. I better be going now. I'll make sure to grab some aspirin when
I get home.”
“Yeah, OK kid. You gonna be alright gettin’ home?”
“Mmm yeah I'll be fine.” He said as he dashed out the door. Not bothering to
look back at the concerned Coach.
Carl could feel himself getting more and more panicked as he stormed out of the
locker room. His heart pounded, his breath quickened, and he could feel dread
fill his body. He ran. He ran until he was sure Negan wasn't going to catch up
to him. Almost collapsing against a building wall, he rested his head against
the brick. He tried to focus on the gentle scratch of the hard stone against
his forehead. He could feel cold sweat drip down his face, his back, the cold
slime inching across his flesh sent him shivering. Did he see?
He knocked his head against the wall. Stupid stupid stupidhe thought with each
hit. He shouldn't have been caught. He should've made sure he was out of the
locker room before the practice ended. He damned himself for getting lost in
his own thoughts. Pulling himself together Carl pushed up and off the wall. He
had to get home. He needed to rest. The shirt burst of speed had sent pain
ricocheting through his ribs again.  He sent up a small prayer of thanks that
it was Friday and he wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions until Monday.
He wouldn't have to deal with Negan and his pitying face. Carl couldn't stand
the idea that he would think of him differently. He didn't want his pity. He
was so angry with himself for letting Negan see him so weak.
He walked up the steps of his house and crept upstairs to his room. He really
didn't want to deal with his parents right now. Stripping down and slipping
into some pjs Carl crawled into bed. He laid there, staring at the ceiling
until sleep overtook him.
**********
“What the fuck is that?” Shane spat at him the next morning. He'd taken one
look at his face from across the breakfast table and flipped out. He heard his
Mom gasp in shock, and his Dad slam his glass down. He had tried to grab some
toast and leave but his Dad instructed him to sit with the family.
“It's just a bruise. I got hit by a dodgeball.” He tried to explain. Carl
tilted his face down and started to eat his toast, hoping they'd believe him
and leave it alone.
Shane wouldn't leave it. “You gotta be kiddin’ with that explanation Carl.
We're cops we know the damn difference between a ball and a fist. So, tell us.
Who. Did. It.”
Carl refused to talk.
“Carl. Shane's right-” Carl snorted in derision at Ricks words, of course Shane
was right. “-you need to tell us what's going on.”
His Mom looked at him, wide eyes pleading for him to talk. As if she had any
right to be asking anything of him.
“Nothingis going on” Carl replied, growing more exasperated as the conversation
continued. “Can we just eat breakfast? I have to get to the library.”
Rick slammed his hand down. “No Carl we can just ‘eat breakfast’ you need to
start talking to us. You've barely spoken all week and now you come home with a
bruise on your face? Do you seriously expect us to just leave it alone?”
He didn't know what to say. In his mind he thought about all the other bruises
he had that they hadn't asked about. He knew they'd seen the marks on his
shoulders but they'd never asked about it. He almost snorted at the irony.
A beeper sounded. His Mom looked down at her pager “Dammit I gotta get to the
hospital.” She rose from her chair and pointed at him “This isn't over Carl.
Tonight, we are gonna talk as a family.”
“I'll give you a lift Lori I gotta get to the station.” His Dad joined her at
the door. Carl's eyes rolled as he saw him gesture for Shane to join them. Big
mystery what they're talking about he thought. Deciding to leave them to it he
returned to his room to pick up his backpack. He really did have to get to the
library, he had an essay due Monday that he hasn't started.
He sighed as his door burst open behind him. He mentally prepared himself for
whatever Shane was gonna say. What he didn't expect was for the man to drag his
chair out from the desk and straddle it. He frowned in confusion, not quite
knowing what to do he stood awkwardly, this wasn’t how things usually went.
Shane's gaze pierced his own. “We gonna talk about this or what?”
Carl twitched awkwardly, he didn’t want to talk with him. “I already said
there's nothing to talk about.”
Sniffing, Shane said ‘fine’ and stood. He crossed over to Carl and began
unbuttoning his plaid overshirt. Carl's eyes focused on the wall, he could feel
knuckles brush his torso as they worked their way down the buttons. Not ideal,
but almost better than the conversation that he didn't want to have. Carl felt
his hands sweep up and slip it off his shoulders. He was surprised to hear a
sharp inhale, and shifted his gaze to see what has elicited such a reaction.
Shit. Shane's gaze was focused on the new bruises that littered his body from
the other day. He tensed, not quite sure what his reaction would be. He was
pissed at the boy earlier after he'd seen his face but was that reaction just
for his parents?
“Did the same guys fuckin do this to you?” At the lack of response, he growled
out “Carl.”
Carl looked at him and mumbled “Yes”
“Fuckin assholes.” Shane paced around, kicking the chair with such force it
knocked it over. Carl's eyes followed him, body tensing just in case Shane
redirected that anger at him. Shane stopped in front of him. “What are their
names?”
“W-what?” He managed to sputter out.
“Their names Carl. Now.”
“Why do you wanna know?” Carl asked defensively.
“So, I can go to their homes and kick their fuckin asses. What'd you think I
wanna do?! No one touches my boy. NO ONE!” Shane shouted at him.
Carl took a couple of steps back, eyes widening in fear. He couldn't let that
happen. Things were bad enough without having to worry about his bullies
getting beaten up.
Seeing the distressed look on his face Shane softened. He stepped closer and
placed gentle hands on Carl's face. They were so big against his delicate
features, he was so fragile Shane thought to himself. He had to protect him.
Keep him safe. “Carl, c’mon tell me.” he pleaded with him. “I just wanna keep
you safe.”
Carl couldn't make any sense of it. He didn't want Shane being any more
involved in his life than he already was. He did’t want this sick, protective
bullshit that he was spouting. Did the man not see that the only person who
really hurt him was himself? So, he lied. “Don't worry they've been expelled. I
won't have to worry about them again.”
Eyes searched his. He tried to put on his best honest face, hoping it would be
enough to deter him.
“Carl…” Shane began.
Carl interrupted him “I'm OK Shane.” He placed a shaking hand on Shane's chest,
hoping it would calm him. His stomach rolled at the contact but he didn’t want
to deal with an angry Shane, if he could calm him down then maybe he’d actually
make it to the library that morning unscathed.
Shane looked down at the small hand, he picked it up in his own and pressed his
lips reverently against the palm. “I would do anything to protect you Carl.
Anything.”
The intensity of his words sent another cold shiver through him. “I know” came
his reply.
Tucking his hair behind an ear, Shane leaned his head forward and placed a kiss
against his lips. “Don't worry baby, I'll make it all better.” He whispered,
trailing his lips down to leave soft kisses on each of his bruises.
Carl tried not to feel anything as those sucking lips went lower.
********
It'd been over a week since he last saw Coach Negan, he had been deliberately
avoiding him. His heart jolted every time he saw the hint of a baseball cap,
hoping that it wasn't him. He dodged around corridors and took the longer route
home to avoid the playing field. He didn't bother running. He didn't think it
would make him feel better.
Funnily enough the only thing that he thought would make him feel better would
be talking to the Coach. Carl enjoyed their conversations, the feeling of
normality that came with them. He missed him. He'd only been in his life for
two weeks and he'd already made it better. Which was why Carl found himself
looking at the white door with ‘Coach Negan’ printed across the blurred window.
Carl approached the office, knocking lightly on the glass. For a moment, he
hoped the man wasn't in his office, that he was off grabbing lunch or
something. An abrupt “Come in” settled that. Taking a deep breath, he turned
the knob with a shaking hand and headed inside.
Negan was sat behind a shoddy looking desk, reading some papers that were
scattered across it. Carl noted with amusement that he was wearing thick black
glasses, he didn't have him pegged for a glasses guy. Negan finally looked up,
sitting up when he saw who had entered the room.
“Carl.” Standing he quickly approached the teen, checking him over. He wanted
to make sure he didn't have any new injuries to worry about. “Are you alright?
Haven't seen you in a few days I was worried.”
Carl shifted under the thorough gaze “Yeah, I'm alright. I just came- I just
wanted to talk.”
“Sure, yeah, of course.” Negan gestured to one of the seats in front of the
desk “Take a seat.”
Carl slid onto the cheap leather, wriggling to get comfortable. He expected
Negan to sit back in his chair behind the desk, needless to say he was
surprised when he dragged another chair around to sit directly opposite him. No
desk between them. Silence fell. Now he was here he didn't know what he wanted
to say. All the words felt jumbled in his head.
“We don't have to talk about what happened if you don't want to Carl.” Negan
said. He rested his arms on his knees, hands twisting together, he leaned
closer “I don't wanna make you uncomfortable I just want to know you're
alright.”
“Yeah, I'm OK. My ribs feel better, no more pain.”
“That's great. I'm glad.” Negan replied, he sat patiently he didn't want to
pressure him into talking. So. they sat hovering in the quiet for a moment.
“It's never been like that before.” Carl started “It's usually just taunts or
the occasional shove into a locker. They've never tried to…” The words trailed
off.
“Beat the shit outta you?” Negan finished for him.
“Yeah.”
“And you think that's ok? That they do that? That you have to put up with that
shit every day?” He questioned
“No!” He protested “Its just…”
“Just what Carl? Just normal? Cos it's damn well not.”
“Easier” Carl replied at the man. “It’s just easier. It's easier to keep quiet
and put up with it than telling people. Even if I told them who would believe
me? I'm nothing but the freak who can't even keep his grades up enough to go to
a decent college. I'm the kid who doesn't have any friends because he doesn't
talk. No one gives a goddamn shit about me or anything I do. So, no I don't
think it's normal. I think it's just damn easier.”
Negan was taken aback by the outburst, he wondered how long he'd been bottling
this up for. “Carl…” he started.
“No. You don't get to look at me like that. You don't get to pity me” Feeling
humiliated, Carl stood to leave but was stopped by a gentle hand on his hand.
Negan rose to his feet and stood before him.
“Carl. You need to listen here and listen good. I don't pity you- No don't look
away.” He placed a finger under his chin and brought his face back around “You
should not be spending your life feeling like you have no one. You havemeand I
sure as hell don't pity you. I think you're an incredibly brave person. Who's
been through some fucking awful shit and I'm damn well gonna do everything I
can to make sure this shit doesn't happen again. So, don't avoid me again, I
don't want you to everfeel like you can't come to me with anything.”
In that moment, looking into kind hazel eyes, Carl actually believedhim and for
a second a flicker of hope flared inside of him.
 
***** Rust and Gold *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry for the delayed chapter guys! Got sidetracked with the porn! I
     should be back on my usual schedule this week. A little bit more
     character/relationship development this week.
     As always thank you for all the lovely comments on last chapter! I do
     honestly cherish each and every one of them :)
                                        
  “At no other time (than autumn) does the earth let itself be inhaled in one
 smell, the ripe earth; in a smell that is in no way inferior to the smell of
 the sea, bitter where it borders on taste, and more honeysweet where you feel
    it touching the first sounds. Containing depth within itself, darkness,
                       something of the grave almost.” 
                             ― Rainer Maria Rilke
===============================================================================
                                        
                                September_2017
 
As fall fell over the school campus, the leaves turned and fluttered to the
ground, covering the paths with pools of rust and gold. Carl thought it was the
most beautiful time of the year, when rain filled the skies and created a cool,
crisp breeze. He loved to fill his lungs with it, enjoying the ache as cold hit
warm, he’d always associated autumn with renewal, it was a time to shred the
past and work on creating the new. Carl’s sole ambition was to do just that, be
like a tree and surrender the dead part of him, ready to regrow into something
new, not necessarily the same as before but something that resembled who he
once was. It was easier said than done. He could scratch at the bad all he
wanted, he could shed his pain and try to forget it but it would always be
around him. Just like the leaves pooling on the floor, his darkness would
surround him, building up until it swallowed him whole.
He’d been drowning in it for the past few months, only getting momentary breaks
from the black sludge that filled his lungs. When he ran he could breathe, he
could take a break and be free. Recently though things had changed, he didn’t
need to run to have those gaps he just needed to sit with Negan for a while.
The man had helped him feel less alone. It was like he’d brought him back to
life after wandering through it like a zombie.
They’d continued their routine after their talk in the office, but now their
conversations had an openness to them that hadn’t been there previously. They'd
stopped the pretence of clearing up, Negan now got whatever team he was
coaching that day to do it, then after they were done, he and Carl would sit on
the bleachers and talk. Never anything of substance but it meant the world to
Carl. It was a whole hour, sometimes more, of feeling normal.He was learning
how to be a person again, he was surprised to find that he was still able to
hold a conversation, even more surprised that he could make someone else laugh.
Life wasn’t all better but it was easier. Things at home were still as awkward
as ever. He was barely in the house these days, not that his parents noticed
they were always out at work. His Dad was trying though, he’d taken the weekend
off to take Carl fishing. They used to do this every weekend before Rick had
been made Sheriff, even when the weather was appalling they would laugh as the
rain soaked them through or as the cold made their bones shake. It was the only
time they ever spent with just the two of them, Carl used to live for the
weekends where he could spend time with the man. He liked the easy conversation
that flowed between them, they didn’t have loads in common but they could talk
for hours about random crap. Everything from girls, to work, they even had a
talk about what they’d do in a zombie apocalypse after watching ‘Night of the
Dead’. It was fun. Now though? Now it was awkward and painful. Their
conversations were stunted and full of unanswered questions.
How could you not know?
Why have you changed so much?
So many things left unsaid on both sides.
Carl hoped this weekend might shift things between them. Maybe they could take
back a little of what was lost between them. Things hadn’t been bad when he’d
told Negan about the bullying, maybe he could tell his Dad about Shane. Maybe a
whole weekend with just the two of them would give him a chance to convince him
what was going on. Shane had always told him that Rick wouldn’t believe a
single thing he said against him, that’d he be able to sweet talk him around,
but what if he wasn’t there to poison his head? He mulled the thought over all
week, considering every outcome. It could go very badly wrong. He could lose
everything. Shane could be right; his parents could disown him for lying about
their friend. He could lose his house, his parents, any semblance of a life. A
small part of him thought about what could happen if Rick believed him.
His internal debate ended up being redundant. Shane, for the first time ever,
ended up joining them for this trip. He wanted to see what the fuss was about
apparently. Of course, Carl only found out the morning of the trip, no time get
himself out of it. So, there he was, sat in the back of their new Range Rover
watching his Dad laugh and joke with the man who made every inch of his body
scream with pain. Sickened at the sight he turned to look out of the window,
trying to muffle the noises coming from the front. Two hours of hell later they
finally arrived at the lake, it was as beautiful as he remembered he thought as
he looked out at the blue water sparkling under the sunlight. He jumped when a
hand clamped down on his shoulder, his Dad stood at his side, taking in the
view.
“This’ll be good Carl, a nice break from everything, it’ll give us all a chance
to talk.”
“Sure Dad.” Shrugging the hand off his shoulder Carl headed back to where
they’d left their supplies, grabbing his bag and a hatchet, “I’m gonna go get
some wood for the fire.” he shouted over his shoulder as he walked into the
forest that surrounded the lake.  
Striding through the foliage he tried to get as far away from the camp as
possible. He figured he had about an hour to sort himself out before either of
them came looking for him. Even in the fall the trees were still full, more
brown than green but they were gorgeous. He watched as birds flew between
trees, getting ready for the brutality of winter Carl supposed. He frowned when
they suddenly turned and flew off.
“Carl!” A shout came from behind him.
He clenched his eyes shut. Not even ten minutes had passed.
“We’ve barely been here five minutes and you’re already running off.” Shane
held his hands up questioning him.
“I’m not running off” he snapped back, he was already pissed off that the man
had to ruin his weekend and now here he was trying to ruin the few minutes of
peace that he’d wanted. “I’m getting wood for the fire unless we wanna freeze
to death tonight.” Carl actually didn’t think that would be such a bad thing
but he had to keep up the pretence.
“You coulda waited till we put the tent up. Then we could’ve all gone
together.”
“I don’t mind” Carl said tersely. “It gets it over and done with. More time to
fish, right?”
“Right.” Shane replied. “I’ll help.”

“No” Carl practically shouted at him.  
Shane’s face turned to steel. “You wanna say something Carl? ‘Cos you look like
you’re about to burst.”
“Why did you have to come?” He asked in despair. “Can’t I have one thingthat
you don’t touch?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Carl?” Shane, his voice as aggressive
as if he’d shouted at him. “You don’t like having me around? You didn’t seem to
mind me so much the other day when you were squirming on my dick. Didn’t take
much to get you to come screaming.”
He flushed with shame at the memory, once again he’d been forced to feel a
pleasure that he never wanted. “You know damn well that I didn’t want that. Any
of it.” He wanted to scream at him, having to settle for a hushed shout for
fear of his Dad hearing. How dare he make out that he was a willing
participate? Like he actually wantedhim.
Shane grabbed his throat and slammed him against a nearby tree. “What are you
tryna accuse me of here Carl? Hmmm?” He questioned, looking him in the eye,
daring him to continue.
Carl said nothing, he could feel the bruises forming at the crushing grip on
his throat. He could barely breathe.
“Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.” Shane practically spat at him.
The grip was released. Carl breathed a sigh of relief, thinking it was over. He
wasn’t expecting to be turned around and smashed up against the tree. He winced
as the hard bark scratched at his face. A hand on the back of his neck pinned
him down again, throwing his brain back to the memory of that first time,
phantom pain hit him all over again. A bitter cold pinched at his thighs as the
man yanked his jeans down. He desperately tried to pull them back up but was
stop by a vicious growl in his ear, warning him.
Chest heaving with breaths that didn’t seem to do anything to calm himself, he
brought his hands up to brace himself against the tree. He tried to relax,
tried to stop every muscle tensing as he heard his zipper fall.
Hot breath smothered his ear, before more cruel words spilled into it. “Think
you need a lil’ reminder of how much you fuckin’ love this shit.”
A loud spit had him recoiling into the tree, he wanted to fall into it, hide
until he was safe again. He wanted his Dad to come over and see what the man
was doing to him, he wanted to scream but his throat was paralysed, lost in the
fear of the pain he knew was coming.
His eyes screwed shut as his body was ripped open again, he thought about the
sunset, he thought about the smell of the field, the comforting laugh of Negan.
Anything to get him away from here.
***********
“No…nononono…please….no…don-ah.” Carl begged as his orgasm overwhelmed him once
again, pleading with his body to not react again, not to feel pleasure again.
It took too much from him, left him with nothing but a quaking body and a shame
like he’d never felt before.
“Fuck...Carl...baby yesss.”
He whimpered as he was forced back harder on Shane’s dick, wincing at the salty
burn of his come. His heavy weight slumped against Carl’s back, squeezing him
between his hard body and the tree. They stood there together, panting, locked
in some twisted lover’s hold. It was repulsive.
It hurt when the man finally withdrew, he briefly wondered if there was some
tearing. It had been awhile since Shane had taken him without any preparation,
he wasn’t used to the pain. He trembled as he pulled up his trousers, it hurt
to bend, he flinched when Shane stepped closer and grabbed them, pulling them
up for him. He felt ashamed as Shane did up his jeans, just like he used to
when he was a kid. He tried to avert his face when sickeningly gentle hands
tilted it upwards, gentle turned into painful as Shane dug his nails into
Carl’s chin to force him into place.
“Carl…” He almost whined at him. Carl noticed the pained look on his face, what
did hehave to be upset about. “Why do you make me do this? I try and be nice
and all you do is provoke me into doing the worst.”
“I...um..I-I’m sorry.” He stuttered out, still in shock at being taken so
brutally. He just wanted to leave now, he wanted to get away from this man and
go heal his wounds in peace. The vomit creeping up his throat grew more
insistent, urging for release.
“I know.” Shane stroked a hand across his cheek, finger picking up a droplet of
tear, Shane looked at the wetness at on his finger. He looked fascinated as it
trailed down the digit, returning his gaze to Carl he spoke again “God, you are
so damn gorgeous when you cry.”

He leaned in to place a punishing kiss on Carl’s lips, slimy tongue seeking
entrance along the seam. He dominated him, Carl could feel him getting caught
up again, a hand slipped down to grab his ass and pull their hips together. He
let out a muffled moan as the touch sent new waves of pain through him. For
once the cry seemed to get through to Shane as he stopped the moment it escaped
him. He pressed their foreheads together, panting out a “sorry,” as he tried to
calm himself. Carl let him rest against him, he felt defeated, no more fight
left.  
Shane finally righted himself and stepped away from Carl. “We should probably
get back; your Dad’ll be wondering where we got to. C’mon.” he said placing a
hand on his shoulder, leading him back to the camp site.
His Dad looked up as they arrived back, his face twisted with confusion.
“Where’s the wood?” he asked
Shit. He’d forgotten.
Shane looked over at him, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “We..uh...got caught up
talkin’ right Carl?”
“Right.” No point in trying to say anything else.
Rick laughed, “God, I should not leave you two to go off on your own.”
No, you damn well shouldn’t Carl thought.
“C’mon if you guys help me finish putting up this goddamn tent then I’ll help
you fetch some.”
Carl wasn’t sure how much help he’d be considering he could hardly walk without
pain but he gritted his teeth and tried to act normal.
The weekend passed without any more incidents. He caught a few fish, made a few
jokes, and tried to convince his Dad that he wasn’t totally fucked in the head.
He actually had a decent discussion with his Dad when Shane had gone off to
piss. They spoke about college, he never realised how much his Dad regretted
not going. He and his Mom had gotten married young and they didn’t want to move
or separate, especially after she’d gotten pregnant, so he skipped the whole
college experience, enrolling in the Police Academy instead. Carl had been
about to confide in him about his current college situation when he was
interrupted by Shane’s return. He clammed up after that, not bothering to join
in the conversations anymore.
The journey home was a bitch, he could hardly sit, he was fidgeting around so
much that his Dad had to tell him to stop, it was too distracting apparently.
He ignored Shane’s smug look reflected in the rear-view mirror.
As soon as they were home he snagged his bag and practically ran back inside
the house. Brushing his mother off as he walked up the stairs to his room. For
the first time in a while he couldn't wait to be back at school.
**********
Carl was in a foul mood the next day, another meeting with the guidance
counsellor that went sour. Just what he needed after his shitty fucking
weekend. She’d called him into her office to express her disappointment that he
hadn’t been in to see her again. As if she’d be any use if he had bothered to
go. He chose to spend his time ensuring that his grades were up to scratch
instead, he hadto get into college. Besides, he pondered, if he didn’t hand in
his work then he’d get detention and that meant he’d have to miss his time with
Negan. It still felt weird to call him that. The man had made it clear that if
he ever called him Coach again then he’d “kick his ass from here to Helsinki.”
He never thought he would find the threat of violence funny but it warmed him
to know that Negan wasn’t going to treat him any differently, even after seeing
him so weak and pitiful.
“So, what's got you upset?” Negan asked as Carl slowed to a stop in front of
him. He passed the panting teen a bottle of water and watched him chug it down.
“What makes you think I'm upset?”
“You run faster when something's pissed you off.”
Carl couldn't believe Negan had noticed that. He hadn't even noticed it
himself, not consciously anyways. He knew he pushed himself harder when he had
things he didn't want to think about but he didn’t think it was noticeable.
“So, what's pissing you off?” He asked again as they sat in their usual spot.
The same place where they first watched the sunset together.
Carl sighed. He'd just burnt off his stress, he really didn't want to be
thinking about it again.
“C’mon.” Negan nudged his shoulder with his own “Whatever it is I'm sure it's
not as bad as you think. You can talk to me about these things Carl, might be
more helpful than running it out all the time.”
Maybe he had a point. Maybe this was one thing he didn't have to keep to
himself. “A few weeks ago I saw the guidance counselor.” He started, looking
down at the ground he thought about what he wanted to say. How much did he want
to tell him?
“Scary shit.” Negan replied “Those asshats barely know what they're talking
about.”
“Yeah well this one thinks I'm too lazy to go to college.”
“What?” He exclaimed looking over at Carl in disbelief “She say why?”
Carl begrudgingly told him about his grades.
“Well that's fuckin stupid. So, you've had a rough year it's not the end of the
world. It doesn't mean you're incapable of going to college.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah, you did well on your SATs right?”
“Better than average.” He replied, a slim light of hope filled his chest.
“There ya go then.” Running a hand through his hair Negan continued “Colleges
don't give a shit if you had a rough patch, unless you want Ivy League. Most of
them just need a decent essay and good SATs and I'm sure you can whip a good
essay out your ass.”
Carl laughed. “I like to think so.”
“Well whenever you're done with it give it to me and I'll read it over. I'm no
genius but I did write a few essays in college.”
“Wow and here I thought you were just a dumb jock. You actually went to
college?” He jested.
“You rude lil’ shit.” Negan laughed “I take that back you can read your own
fuckin’ essay.”
“So sorry for hurting your feelings.” Carl added playfully, jostling his
shoulder. “I'm sure there's a brain in there somewhere.”
“You bet your ass there is.” He added “a BIG one.”
“Suuuree” Carl responded. “So what college did you end up at?”
“UDub. The best of the best.”
“UDub?” Carl tried to figure out which college that could be.
“University of Washington. Up in Seattle. I stayed up there after I graduated,
until I moved down here of course.”
“Huh.” Carl mulled it over. He'd never even thought of Washington, then again,
he'd never thought about anywhere that wasn't Yale. He mentally added a note to
look it up later.
“Yeah. Good times.” Negan replied, a nostalgic smile flirted across his face.
“Were you the typical frat boy jock then?”
Negan chuckled “No... well yeah mostly actually. Don’t get me wrong I went to
class, studied the shit outta my books, and all that jazz but I did enjoy a
drink or two”
Carl had an inkling it was more than one or two drinks, he said as much.
“You are just askin’ for it today, callin’ mea drunk.”
“Am I wrong?” He raised a questioning brow at the man
“Uh… no.” Negan admitted. “You can take that smug look off your face, you’re
not always right.”
“I seem to be when it comes to you... Coach” Carl teased.
“Alright… OK..That’s how it is.” Negan stood. Carl paused for a moment, briefly
panicking that he’d gone too far with the man. His worries were swept away when
a cold stream of water hit his face. Negan had tipped the water cooler he kept
by the pitch over his head.
“You had that coming.” Negan laughed out. “The words ‘drowned rat’ come to
mind.”
Even shaking under cold water Carl couldn’t stop the laughter bubble out of
him.
**********
                                 October_2017
“Early acceptance deadlines are soon.” Negan started “You started your
applications yet?”
Carl picked up another cone, Negan had decided to be lenient with the football
team that night, not making them clear up.
“No.” was his short reply.
“How come?”
“I still haven’t figured out where I want to go yet.” He twiddled the cone in
his hand. He really hadn’t, he’d been looking at a few brochures but only a few
stood out. UDub had been one of them, the architecture reminded him so much of
the Ivy Leagues that he coveted. He thought about Georgia too, not as expensive
but not nearly as far away as he wanted to get.
“Can’t argue with that. You’re kickin’ ass this semester with your grades,
right?”
Carl chuckled, “Yeah, sure we’ll call it that.”
“Well then maybe you should apply for normal admission.” He suggested.
Carl had never thought about it. He liked to be prepared, he’d rather apply for
early acceptance.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with applying early but if your grades are
better this semester then you’d be in with a better shot of getting into the
college you want.” Negan elaborated.
He had a point. His grades last year were nowhere near his best, his current
ones better represented what he was capable of. It would also give him a chance
to decide where he really wanted to go instead of randomly picking.
“Yeah. I’ll think about it.”
“Whatever you decide let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I’ll
even lie and say you’re on the track team if you want some pretty
extracurriculars on your apps.”

Laughing again, Carl said “Thanks, it’s probably the closest you’ll ever get to
having me on that losing team.”
“Hey!” Negan said defensively “We came second to last in the last meet.”
“Wow. I’m so impressed. Please let me join you amazing team.” He deadpanned.
Negan threw a cone at him that he caught. “Just finish cleanin’ up.”
Smiling, Carl did as he was told.
**********
Carl sat on his bed and contemplated the brochures surrounding him. How was he
supposed to pick between all of them? He was lucky money wasn’t an issue, his
grandmother had left more than enough for him in her will, he could go wherever
would let him in.
Flopping back onto his pillows he grabbed the nearest one and looked up at it.
‘University of Washington’ spread across the top, he let out a sigh, this one
kept coming back to him. As strange as it sounded, he didn’t want to like it.
He couldn’t help but question why he liked it. Was it because of Negan? He
didn’t want to be one of those people who liked something just because a friend
did. He didn’t want to be influenced like that. He couldn’t help but be drawn
to it though, the campus was undeniably beautiful and the reputation was
amazing. He had no idea what he wanted to major in but at least they had great
options. His GPA and SATs met their entry requirements, and god knows Seattle
is far enough away from this hell hole that he might be able to breathe for
once.
But there was the Negan problem.
He sighed, dropping the brochure to one side. He covered his face and for the
hundredth time questioned why his life wasn’t easier.
**********
A couple of weeks passed and he kept coming back to that damn University.
Others had interested him, the University of Boston had an amazing criminal
justice course, he even flirted with the idea of warm beaches at the University
of Miami. None of them held his interest in the same way as Washington had.
Maybe Negan really was right, maybe it was the best of the best.
He really needed to pick. Even if he was going for normal acceptance he needed
to write a damn good essay, which meant taking time to make sure it was good.
The problem was; picking a topic. He had hoped inspiration would hit him at
some point, no such luck. He was just filled with the typical cheesy topics
that he knew would be tossed in the bin as soon as anyone saw the headline. He
quickly passed on the idea of going to the Guidance Counsellor for help, she
really was fucking useless. He remembered what Negan had said about helping
him. Maybe he could give him a hand picking a topic. He was reluctant to ask
him for anymore help, not after everything that had happened with Simon, and he
didn’t want him knowing that he was applying to UDub, too much embarrassment if
he didn’t get in.
He could do this on his own, god knows he’d done enough things by himself.
**********
“OK, what’s the deal with college essays?” He asked as he made his way into
Negan’s office, he chucked his bag on the spare chair and slumped down into his
usual one. Every now and again he would join Negan for lunch in there, only on
the days when he couldn’t face going into the cafeteria. Today, after spending
several days trying to start this stupid essay, he had given up and decided to
ask for help.
Negan swivelled in his chair to face him, mouth filled with his sandwich, he
chuckled. “Finally broke did ya?”
Carl huffed. “How long have you known that I’ve been struggling with this?”
Negan smirked, “A few days, I’ve seen you in the library on my way to the
playing field. You have the same look of defeat that I had when I had to write
mine.”

“You coulda just told me what to do.”
“Where would the fun be in that? I like watching you squirm.”
Carl scowled at him. Asshole. “So what do I do? Everything I want to say sounds
cheesy.” He asked, pulling out his own lunch.
Swallowing, Negan took his time replying. He swirled in his chair as he mulled
over the question.
“You just have to take all the cheesy ‘I wanna make the world a better place’
crap and make it your own. Put your badass twist on it. They’re gonna want
something interesting.”
Carl chewed on his sandwich as he contemplated his words. Sounds easy but God
it’ll be hard to do.
“What colleges are you going for? I assume you’ve picked them if you’re working
on your essays.”
Carl froze. Should he tell him? He couldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to face it if
he was rejected. “Georgia. Figured it’s best to stay close to home.”
Negan nodded. “Good idea, it’s a lot cheaper than going out of state that’s for
sure.”

Carl let the conversation trail off, probably not worth mentioning he had more
money that he could think of when it came to college. They sat and ate in
silence, just enjoying the simple comfort of being around one another.
**********
Halloween. Another stupid holiday that he didn't wanna celebrate, if only other
people thought the same. He sighed at the sight of more egg on his locker. He'd
already cleaned it once that day but the same assholes pelted his locker once
again. They knew better than to actually touch him, Negan seemed to have scared
them off. They were let back on the team after the Principal had gotten wind of
the situation, they were the best players after all. It really didn't matter
what they did to Carl as long as the team won some trophies this year.
At least it was the end of the day now. He could look forward to his run.
He walked into the house that evening, feeling lighter. Halloween would be over
in a few hours and he could forget about all the stupid parties that he would
never be invited to.
His Mom swirled to face him when he walked through the door, her finger still
hanging on the edge of her lip as if he’d just interrupted her from a deep
thought. Concern was etched over her face, it set Carl on edge. He grew more
tense as his Father’s figure slid into focus beyond her shoulder. He felt his
breathing increase as he saw Shane sat in his usual chair, “Come sit on Daddy’s
lap”floated through his mind,he snapped his eyes shut at the memory.
“-Carl will you answer you Mother. Now.” His father’s stern voice a blissful
interruption to the haze that had fogged over him.
“I…uh... I didn’t hear what you said.” He directed his answer towards Lori,
watched as she turned and wiped her brow in frustration.
“Jesus, Carl do you ever listen to me?” She asked turning back to face him.
“Honestly these days it’s like you’re never here, even when you’re standing
right in front of me it’s like I’m talking to thin air.”
He hung his head, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to organise his
head. What were they doing? Why were they talking to him like this? He felt
trapped, he never thought they’d ever confront him like this, it was strange to
think they still cared enough. The more pessimistic part of him thought they
were just upset that their perfect son was slowly deteriorating into a failing
misery. Why did Shane have to be there? Why did he have to force himself into
every aspect of his life? Wasn’t it enough that he had his body whenever he
wanted? Despairing thoughts crept into his brain the longer the silence went on
for.
A loud sigh filled the room, he looked to the source, his Father, standing by
their firepit. “Your Mom spoke with your guidance counsellor today.”
Alarm flashed within him.
His Dad looked him in the eye. “You have any idea how that went?”
He did. Not that he would ever admit it. He wondered what prompted his Mom to
do such a thing. Wasn’t he a little too old for his parents to be interfering
at school?
“Carl.” Shane’s voice shot through him. “We know about your grades. You wanna
explain yourself?”
“Shane!” His Mother chastised “We agreed to let Carl talk, not to jump down his
throat.”
Carl saw Shane lift his hands up in a false apology. “Carl will you please talk
to us about this? We thought you were doing fine and now we hear your GPA’s
dropped. Your counsellor even said you don’t seem to talk to anyone anymore,
what happened to your friends?”
So many questions and he couldn’t answer any of them.
“Things just happened-” He tried to explain
His Dad quickly interrupted “Things don’t just happen Carl. Your Counselor says
several teachers have complained about you not handing in homework and not
participating in class. Christ Carl, you were on track for an Ivy League
college and now your Counselor is saying there’s a small chance you’ll even
make it into Community College. We wanna know what happened.”
What happened? Your best friend thought it’d be fun to make me into a
replacement sex toy because your wife won’t screw him anymore is what happened.
He wanted so desperately to scream that at him. He couldn’t. He didn’t think
he’d ever be able to say the words, not out loud. “I don’t know. Things just
got harder and I couldn’t keep up.” He offered, just lie your way through this
Carl. They’ll leave soon, they always do. “I’m doing better now though, I’ve
not had a detention yet this year and all my essays have been A’s. I just
needed to figure some things out.”
“What about college Carl? They’re gonna look at how badly your grades have
slipped and they’re not going to want you.” Shane spoke up again, patronising
fake concern filled his voice. It made Carl want to curl up and cry, it was
humiliating.
“Carl! Answer him.” His Dad demanded.
“When I spoke to the Counselor she said that if I increased by GPA this year
then there’s a good chance a college will accept me. I just have to stay on top
of things.”
“Maybe you need to someone around to help you do that.” He Dad said, giving his
Mom a pointed look. Carl looked between them confused.
“Look, we’ve been talking a lot recently about everything that’s been going
on...” his Mom started, he didn’t like where this was going. “We know that your
dad and I haven’t been around much recently because of work and we know that’s
gotta be hard on you bein’ on your own so much. Which is why Shane’s agreed to
let you stay with him for the remainder of your senior year.”
“W..what?” He stuttered, eyes widening in fear. They wanted him to do what?
Live with that monster?
“Yeah we think it’ll be good for you. We can’t give up our jobs Carl, not if we
want to keep the house. Think about it Carl this way you’ll have someone with
you whenever you need them. It’ll be good for your health.”
For his own health? He erupted into laughter, almost hysterical, he couldn’t
help himself he stomach convulsed as he got caught up in the irony of it all.
The whole damn conversation was ridiculous
“Like I’d be safer with him?” Carl eventually sputtered out.
His Father frowned in confusion, “What the hell do you mean by that Carl?”
Shane's eyes flashed him a warning, the same look he’d get on his face right
before he’d take his belt off. Carl fumbled under the gaze, he couldn’t control
his thoughts, they slipped away from him the more he thought about it. He paced
away from his parents, hands digging into his hair as he tried to formulate a
single sentence. Words tangled together, twisting and knotting in his head
“Carl, we’re just worried about you.” His Mom tried to touch him but her hand
felt like a searing burn on his skin, he flinched away. The upset on her face
sent another wave of hatred and anger through him, it seeped into his bones and
flowed through his veins. How dareshe? How dare she have the gall to stand
there looking sad when it’s herfault that this all happened? He couldn’t stand
to be around her, her smell, her voice, it all reminded him of pawing hands and
piercing pain. He couldn’t take it anymore. He was suffocating, drowning in
their accusing stares, in the smug grin that seemed perpetually spread over
Shane’s face. He had to leave. He had to get out now.
He ran for the door and out into the cold night air. He didn’t stop running. He
wanted to keep running. He never wanted to go back to that hell hole. He didn’t
want to go live with Shane. Be at his beck and call all the time. The thought
made him sick. No. No. No. He ran faster. The street lights blurred into one
solid stream of light as he flew past them. He had to get further away. He
could still feel their stares. He could feel the hot breath on the back of his
neck making it sweat. He could feel hard hands pinning him down as he pushed
his way inside of hi-NO. He ran faster. Trying to outrun his thoughts. He
didn’t hear the blast of a horn he only saw the blindingly bright lights sear
into his eyes. He hadn’t even realised he’d moved into the road. He heard a car
screech to a stop and a door slam open, his eyes still adjusting to the light
that surrounded him he couldn’t see who was approaching him. He flinched and
fought as hard hands grabbed his shoulders.
“No! Get off me.” He was hysterical. He didn’t want it. He had to get away.
“Carl. CARL! You gotta calm down.” He fought more as the arms surrounded him.
“Carl, it’s me Negan. You’re OK I’m not gonna hurt you. Listen.”  The voice
broke through his thoughts. Negan he recognized. He slowed his actions as his
mind started to clear. Negan. Not Shane. He felt his breathing become more
controlled as he sunk further into the arms around him.
“Negan” he breathed out.
Resting his forehead against a solid chest he realised his thoughts were
slowing, becoming less and less fractured. Someone had finally stopped the
screaming.
 
***** I'm In Here *****
Chapter Summary
     Carl hadn't realised that anyone cared about him anymore. Yet here
     was this man who listened, who waited, who didn't seem to give a
     single damn what anyone thought of him.
Chapter Notes
     Slightly shorter chapter today as I decided the chapter flowed better
     when split into two. Hopefully the second part should be up tomorrow!
     Enjoy and as ever thank you for all the lovely comments! You guys
     really do inspire me to get writing and to make the chapters as best
     as they can be.
                                 "I'm in here
                             Can anybody see me?"
                                    - Sia 
===============================================================================
                                        
                                Halloween_2017
 
“Carl…” Soft hands gently pushed him back, Negan's familiar face swirled into
focus, eyes searching over his. “Are you hurt? Did I hit you with the car?”
Carl failed to form words, they kept failing him. He couldn’t focus his brain,
the words slipping and falling around his head. His teeth were chattering, when
did it get so cold? His lungs ached. He shouldn’t have stopped running, it was
better when he was running. He should’ve run faster, then the car might have
hit him, then it’d all be over. No more cold. No more aches. No more Carl. It’d
be better.
“Carl!” Right Negan. Negan was here. Negan with his car and his warm hands. How
was he so warm? 
“Jesus Christ, Carl. You’re freezing.”
He felt hands cover his cheeks, checking him over. Soft leather was wrapped
around his shoulders, he lifted his hands to grab the lapels, pulling it
tighter around himself. It smelt so much like the man, spiced with an
aftershave he didn’t recognize, a slight hint of tobacco. It was as warming as
the hands that tried to rub warmth into his arms. It wasn't working, the cold
was too deep, too embedded into every nerve. 
“C’mon, let’s get you home.”
Home? No. Not there. Not that place. He couldn’t be there. Was it even his home
anymore? Now they wanted to leave him in that monster’s hands all the time. He
couldn't go back there. He would still be there, then he'd drag him off,
finally take him for his own. He started to struggle against the hands leading
him to the car. Sneakers scratching at the road gravel as he tried to still the
feet moving him forwards. “No... no... please...I can’t go back there…. please
don’t make me go.” He couldn’t breathe again. His heart pounded in his head
that hurt so badly. His hands were too slippery to force the man away from him
so he could get away. He had to get away he couldn't go back there.
“Okay, okay, okay… I won’t take you home alright?” Carl slowed his struggles as
they stopped walking again. His mind snapped into focus again as his name was
called. He looked up at Negan, what was he saying?
“Look, Carl, I won’t take you home but you gotta get in the car. You’re way too
cold and we gotta warm you up. So please will you come with me?”
Get in the car? He could do that, right? Just a few steps, open the door then
sit down. Easy enough. He allowed Negan to lead him over, watched as he opened
the door, he then slid himself into the passenger seat. The warmth from the
heaters still lingered from where Negan had been driving. He curled in on
himself, closing his eyes to enjoy the warmth, he let his head rest against the
window. He recoiled when Negan slammed the driver’s door shut, the noise
reverberated through his head, like a stab in the brain. His eyes shot towards
Negan as he heard the engine shudder on, where was he taking him? Their eyes
clashed together.
“I’m not taking you home, I just need to get off the road in case someone else
comes along. OK?”
Carl twitched his head in an attempt at a nod. The car pulled away slowly and
they drove. They didn’t seem to have any direction.
“Is there anywhere you wanna go Carl? Any friends you can stay with?”
Friends? Ha, he must know that he didn’t have any. Surely he’s seen him around
school alone enough to realise that no one wanted to talk to him. “No... its
fine just drop me off wherever. I’ll be alright.”
“You’re fuckin’ kidding me right? I’m not just going to leave you on the street
this late”
Carl glanced at the clock 23:12 glared back at him. Shit. When had it gotten so
late? “I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m not going home so just leave me
wherever Negan.”
Negan looked over at him, sighing when he saw the truth in his eyes. “You know
there’s no way in hell that I’m gonna do that. We can go back to my place until
you’ve calmed down a little bit.”
“Negan, you don’t-” He didn’t want to inconvenience him anymore than he had.
“Carl, for the last goddamn time I’m not going to leave you out on the side of
the road. So, you either tell me where you live or you’re comin’ with me.”
Carl remained silent.
“Fine. Buckle up we’ve still got a bit of a drive.”
Choosing to ignore the man Carl spent the journey gazing out of the window into
the darkness of the night. He watched as the lights from the houses slowly
dwindled and faded as they drove out of the center of town. Tall trees now
filled his view as they soared past them, heading deeper and deeper into
nature. Eventually they turned off the main road and bumped along a short dirt
driveway that led up to a stunning cabin. Carl was shocked. He never thought a
guy like Negan would live somewhere so...elegant. Getting out of the car, he
stood in shock in front of the large mahogany house.
“Not what you were expecting huh?” Negan asked as he walked up the porch stairs
to unlock the door.
Carl looked around the exterior, briefly admiring the shining motorbike that
was parked further along the drive. Of course, he had a bike like that Carl
thought, it fit him so perfectly.
“You comin’? Negan asked tilting his head towards the now open door.
“Yeah.” He mumbled out as he followed him up the stairs and into the house. His
eyes were immediately drawn to the large spiral staircase in the center of the
room, it was huge. The whole cabin was huge. Maybe it was the open plan that
made it look larger than it was but it was bigger than his house for sure.
“Take a seat.” Negan flung his hand to gesture to the couches in front of the
grand stone fireplace. He was heading into the kitchen area at the back of the
room.
He tentatively sat on the couch, it’d been so long since he was in a stranger’s
house he didn’t know what to do. So, he perched on the edge and looked down at
his hands. Picking on a bit of skin that had flaked off, he waited for Negan to
come back. He noticed he still had his jacket wrapped around him, it was too
big for him, strangely comforting though. He should take it off, instead he
wrapped it tighter around himself, wanting to bury himself in the warm musk
that he’d come to associate with Negan.
“You still cold?” Negan’s jean clad legs appeared in his vision. He sat on the
wooden coffee table in front of Carl and held out a mug filled with a brown
liquid. Hot chocolate his mind filled in for him. He hadn’t had hot chocolate
in years, his mom used to make it for him every night when he was younger.
Every time he had a nightmare she’d be in his room, holding him before taking
him downstairs and whipping him up a steaming mug. They’d sit there together
slowly sipping on their mugs as his Mom made him feel better about whatever
monster filled his dreams. He wasn’t sure if it would help as much as it used
to but he was willing to give anything a shot. He lifted an unsteady hand to
pluck the mug from him. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” Negan cradled his own mug in his hands and watched the teen,
waiting for him to talk.
Carl lifted the mug to his mouth, blowing a shaky breath across the top to cool
the liquid before he took a sip. It slipped down his throat like silk, warming
him from the inside, he savoured every second of it. He breathed in the sweet,
familiar smell and felt himself relax slightly. It was a nice distraction. He
didn’t know what to say to the man, didn’t know what the man wanted to hear. He
was probably just waiting until Carl stopped freaking out on him so he could
take him home. Carl almost hoped he was wrong, that Negan wouldn’t stop
questioning him until he had no choice but to tell him everything. It might
ease the weight from his shoulders.
“Things at home…. they're just not great.” Carl rubbed a hand over his face.
God when did things get so messed up? I mean here he was spilling his guts out
to a teacher who just happened to be his only friend, if he even was a friend.
He was probably only around because he felt like he had a duty to help the
fucked-up student. Maybe he was a project to him, like a charity, something he
could fix before he passed it along.
“Not great? In what way Carl?”
Carl sighed, leaning a head back against the cushion, where could he begin?
What could he even tell him? The truth? Never his mind answered for him. He
needed to keep Negan safe, he needed him on his side. He couldn’t let Shane
take Negan away from him, not like his other friends. He didn’t even want him
to know. It was the worst of him, the nasty, dark part that no one should ever
see.  
“Carl.”
The firmness in his voice made Carl snap his head back up, he looked at him,
concern was etched over his face, underlined with a serious look.
“Are they hurting you Carl?” Negan leaned forward to rest a hand on his knee
that Carl immediately shifted away from, knocking the hand off. Negan
thankfully took the hint and put some distance between then once more. “You can
tell me. I won’t judge or run off to the cops I just need to know that you’re
safe at home.”
“No. No they’re not hurting me. They just…. They’re not around as much anymore.
My Dad’s the town Sheriff, he’s always out and my mom’s a nurse at the local
hospital so she’s pretty much always on call. It’s just me at home most of the
time, gets a bit lonely.”
“Carl do you honestly expect me to believe that you ran in front of my car in
the middle of the night just because you were lonely?”
“It’s the truth!”
“Carl.” Negan sat up straight, rubbing a hand across his eyes. “C’mon, this is
you and me, I know when you’re bullshitin’.”
“I’m not bullshiting. It was just too quiet in the house so I thought I’d go
for a run. You know how it makes me feel better.” Carl explained, he was so
tempted, so damn closeto just telling him everything. The words sat on the tip
of his tongue threatening to spill out. “No one would believe you Carl. No one.
Even if they did you know damn well I’d kill anyone that tried to keep you from
me.” All the threats spiraled in his head. How could he ever tell anyone with
those words hanging over him? How would he even begin to tell him? How do you
even tell anyone?
Negan sighed. “Carl I’m not gonna force you to tell my anything you’re not
comfortable with.” Negan looked him in the eye, Carl nearly wept with the
concern he could see in them. “I just...I care about you Carl I hate seeing you
like this. Seeing you out there, in front of my car, my heart goddamn stopped.
The thought of something happening to you…” Negan paused before standing,
quickly moving over to the fireplace he knelt and started lighting a fire.
Carl let his words hang in the air. He didn’t know what to say. The words had
moved him, had triggered something in him that he’d tried so hard to keep
locked away. He felt emotions swirl within him, he’d gotten by for so long
feeling nothing but fear, pain, and hatred but now...now he was overcome by
heartache. Feelings of grief for the person he once was crawled up his throat,
threatening to choke him. He wanted to be that person for Negan, he wanted to
give him the best version of himself. Guilt stung him when he realised that
would never happen, he would never be better, he could never give him more.
This man who seemed to care so much about him when he had gone through the past
few months feeling like no one ever would. He sawhim when no one else had.
“The thought of something happening to you Carl is so fucking painful to me
that I would move the world to stop it happening.” Negan spoke again.

Carl felt a tear trickle down his face, he had no idea that he mattered so much
to him, that he mattered to anyone at all. He tried to wipe it away before
Negan saw but he was too late. “Carl.” A soft voice whispered, Carl turned his
head away, he hatedanyone seeing him like this but he couldn’t stop the tears.
He couldn’t stop the gut wrenching sobs that wracked his body at the soft touch
against his cheek, trying to wipe away some of the tears that just kept on
falling. Carl placed his hands over his eyes trying to stop himself, trying to
keep himself from just completely breaking apart. He tried to control his
breath, tried to stop the gasping heaves that choked out of him.  He tried to
push him Negan away, wanting to distance himself from feelings that he tried to
suppress for so long, he didn’t wantto feel anything. He didn’t want to hope
that he might have a chance to escape from the darkness. Still, he couldn’t
stop leaning into the arms that wrapped around him, couldn’t stop himself
grabbing his shirt, gripping it tightly as he let the tears overcome him. He
felt lost in the sobs that wracked his body, felt like he’d drownin them, the
steady rub of a hand against his back was the only thing keeping him afloat.
**********

Eventually the sobs ebbed off, he felt exhausted, his head hurt. He wasn’t sure
if he was ready to leave the safety of Negan’s embrace, he wasn’t ready to face
the harsh light in the room. He could feel dampness beneath his cheek, he
flushed with embarrassment as he realised that it probably wasn’t just his
tears that had caused the moisture on the other man’s shirt. He withdrew,
gently drawing himself out of the comfortable arms, he used the cuff of his
shirt to wipe at his face, vaguely noting that Negan’s jacket had fallen from
his shoulders.
“Here.” A box of tissues was offered to him. He took it gratefully, trying to
clean himself up. Christ, he’d made such a mess of himself and now Negan knew
what a mess he was.
“Carl.” He refused to look at him, preferring to focus on wiping his face.
“I’m gonna take the mugs out alright? There’s a bathroom in the door to your
left if you wanna wash your face up.” Negan continued. Carl saw him stand and
walk over to the sink out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t help but feel
the sting of rejection, maybe this was too much for the man, no one wanted a
sobbing teenager ruining their evening. Taking a deep breath, trying to stop
the tears that wanted to fall again, he raised up from the couch and walked
over to the bathroom.
The cold water was sharp against his face, a welcome relief to the stinging
heat caused by his tears. He couldn’t look in the mirror that hung over the
porcelain sink, he didn’t need to see what a wreck he was. He just hoped that
he’d have a chance to let the swelling in his eyes go down before Negan kicked
him out and took him home. He took a shuddering breath, knuckles gripping the
sink harder, he’d been so stupid to break down like that. Negan probably
thought he was an overdramatic teen who wasn’t getting enough attention at
home.Stupid. Splashing his face once more he turned to dry it on a nearby
towel.
He took another breath before twisting the doorknob, time to face the music he
thought. Taking a tentative step out, he took in the sight of Negan sat on the
couch he’d just vacated, head in his hands. The door behind him clicked shut,
Negan’s head snapped towards him, gaze searching over his face. What was he
looking for? The other man stood and walked over to him. Carl braced himself
for the inevitable rejection that would follow.
He didn't expect to be pulled back into another hug, didn't expect a comforting
hand on the back of his neck rubbing softly. The hand remained as Negan pulled
back just enough for Carl to see his face. He wanted to look away but found
himself unable to. He'd never felt so vulnerable as he did in that moment. He
wanted to run. He wanted to stay in this moment forever.
“I'm sorry Carl.”
He frowned in confusion. What on earth was he sorry about?
“I'm sorry for whatever is going on that you can't talk about, or that you're
not ready to talk about. Just know that whenever you are ready I'm here and
I'll always be here. There's nothing you can say or do that'll change that and
I'll work every goddamn day until you believe that OK?”
Once again, the man had surprised him. He still wanted him around. He didn't
hate him? Carl's eyes searched Negan's again finding nothing but an earnest
honesty. It almost made him cry again.
He nodded back at the man's words, heart melting at the small smile that formed
on his face.
“Good.” Negan said dropping his hands from Carl. “You hungry? I know it's late
but god knows how long you were out there running for.”
Once again Carl's body embarrassed him by letting out a loud grumble at the
mention of food.
Negan laughed “I'll take that as a yes then. I've got some leftover spaghetti,
think I can work this god-awful machine to warm it up.”
“You don't have to-”
“Carl,” Negan interrupted “You're hungry, I have food. You don't have to
protest everything. Now get into the kitchen you can help me figure out the
microwave.”
**********
Sitting down at the wooden table Carl felt a sense of belonging that he hadn’t
thought he’d ever feel again. Negan placed a steaming plate of spaghetti in
front of him, his stomach growled again at the smell of real food, he’d lived
off microwave meals for far too long.
“Thanks.” He mumbled as he shifted in his seat, surprised when Negan sat
opposite him with his own plate. Guilt swept through him again when he realised
that Negan must have foregone his own dinner to deal with the crying teenager
in his lounge.
“You better eat before it goes cold Carl. If there’s on the thing I know how to
cook then it’s goddamn spaghetti, I guarantee it’ll be the best thing you’ve
ever had in your mouth.”
Well it can’t be the worst Carl sardonically thought to himself. Picking up his
fork he began making his way through the pasta. He really wasn’t lying when he
said it was good, all the flavors fused together creating the perfect dish.
They ate together as they did at school, quietly enjoying each other’s company.
Carl was tempted to lick the plate clean as he finished the meal. Probably best
he didn’t make himself look too crazy in front of the man. His eyes kept
drifting to the wet mark left on Negan’s shirt, he probably did want to
embarrass him by changing it in front of him.
“Thanks Negan, it really was amazing.” Carl figured he should remember some of
his manners.
Negan looked up from his own plate, smiling when he saw Carl’s empty one.
“Good. I’m glad. You want some more?”
“I’m good, thanks.”
Watching Negan finish his meal had Carl wondering about the man. They knew so
little about each other yet there was a connection there stronger than any he’d
ever had in his life. Everything seemed to come back to him.
“Negan…” he started. Where was he going with this?
“Yeah?” Negan prompted after a few minutes of silence. He wiped his face with a
napkin and waited for Carl to speak again.
“Where did you learn how to cook?” He chickened out of asking something more
personal. He didn’t even know what he wanted to know about him. He just wanted
to know more.
“Ah. My...uh...ex-wife taught me. She lived in Italy for a while, picked up
loads of great tips, and finally did the impossible and taught me how to not
burn food.”
Ex-wife? He couldn’t imagine Negan married, couldn’t really imagine him as a
domestic guy, coming home from work to his wife. God if he was married did they
mean he had kids? The cabin didn’t really feel like a child-friendly place but
maybe they were older.
“What...what happened with her?”
Negan sat back, he appeared deep in thought. Carl should nothave asked that.
Way too personal. He was so busy reprimanding himself that he hardly noticed
when Negan started talking again. “We just… changed. We made each other more
and more unhappy each day we were together. Even a simple conversation was
plagued with insults and sly digs. We started bringing out the worst in each
other instead of the best. I’d always loved her, she’d been the one for me
since high school but one night, a few years after college I was in a bar and
this girl came up to me. All flirty and gorgeous and I was tempted. I’d never
even looked at another person the whole time I was with my wife but in that
moment, I nearly took the girl home. That. That was when I realised things were
done between us. We were no longer each other's world and I was OK with that.”
Carl didn’t know what to say. He felt bad for Negan, he couldn’t imagine how it
must feel to just lose someone like that, to have your feelings just change. He
barely realised the flicker of jealousy when it pinged through him. Refusing to
acknowledge it he focused on Negan’s next words.
“It wasn’t all bad. I still have awesome memories of her, and we’re both a lot
happier than before. I get to live in this awesome cabin, and she gets to
travel the world like she’s always wanted.”
“Sounds like things worked out for the best.”
“It did. I can’t say I’m any worse off now.”
“Even with a mess of a teenager in your house?”
“Carl you’re not a goddamn mess and for the record this is the most company
I’ve had since I got here so I’m not exactly a thriving member of society.”
Carl let out a small laugh “That’s because you terrify everyone.”
“Not you.” Negan pointed out.
“No. Not me.” They looked at each other, both questioning exactly how they’d
ended up where they were. Both silently thanking whatever God was up there that
they had ended up there.
“Is that why you left Seattle?”
“Pretty much, too many memories there, kept stressing me out.”
“Oh. Why come here of all places?” He couldn't help but ask he was surprised
that Negan was willing to talk about himself like this their conversations
usually centred around Carl and his problems.
Negan twirled spaghetti around his fork as he thought, it was almost cute Carl
thought to himself.
“Honestly? I have no idea. The job came up and I just went for it. I liked the
idea of living in the middle of nowhere. I got sick of all the bullshit
fakeness in the city, everyone wanting to know everything about you. Gossiping
about you behind your back. It's fucked up.”
Carl couldn't stop the laugh that fell out of him. “Doesn't sound much
different from here.” No one was ever as they seemed, and no one cared about
that. They were all happy to pretend that it was a happy place, that there
weren’t any monsters lurking in the bushes.
Negan laughed with him, a deep throaty chuckle. “That's true, although people
don't seem to be as observant here. More behind you back gossip I guess.”
“Yeah, they been gossiping about you yet?”
“Probably, god knows I've had enough of the ladies asking me about my damn love
life. Your old biology teacher seems particularly interested.”
Carl could believe it. The lab looked out over the field and more than once
he'd seen her looking out of the window at Negan. He usually noticed because he
was doing exactly the same thing. “Yeah she's not quite been the same since her
husband died.”
“Just wish she'd express her grief in ways that don't involve grabbin’ my ass.”
Damn laughter bubbled up again.
Negan stood to clear the plates away. Carl joined him.
“You want some help washing these?” Carl asked
“Nah, just need to load the dishwasher, you go make yourself at home on the
couches I’ll be over in a minute.”
Carl did as told, taking the same spot as earlier, right in the corner. He
wondered what would happen now. It was past midnight; would Negan insist on
taking him home? He couldn't stay here could he?
Negan passed him as he headed to the other side of the couch, flopping down on
it.
“Right so what are we gonna do about your parents? You think you can go home?”
The big question. “They’ll be at work by now, they usually work overnight on
Halloween. Lots of stupid people out getting hurt. I can go home, I just... I
don’t know if I’m ready to.”
“Alright, you can crash here tonight, get your head together.”
“Thank you, I just need to be away for a while.”

“Yeah, I get you, think you can sleep now?” Negan questioned.
“I don’t think so..” He really didn’t know, these days he only seemed to fall
asleep when he was completely exhausted, the constant fear of who might join
him kept his eyes wide open.
“OK. no problem lets watch a movie.” Negan stood and headed over to his DVD
shelf.
“A movie?” Carl looked confused.
“Yeah, a movie, you know one of those talking, moving pictures.”
“Haha very funny. You wanna watch one with me?” He watched as Negan crouched
down in front of the TV, shoving a DVD into the player. It’d been so long since
he’d watched a movie with anyone, the last time was probably when he’d been
hanging out with Enid. His mind recoiled as he remembered how that had ended.
It wouldn’t be the same today, Shane couldn’t possibly know he was here. Still
his stomach twisted as his mind explored what could happen if Shane ever found
out about his friendship with Negan.
Negan stood, remote in hand and flopped back onto the couch next to Carl,
resting one had along the back.
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t Carl ‘sides I’ve already said that we
need to work on your real education.”
“Riiight….” Carl said shifting to get more comfortable. Maybe he could forget
about Shane tonight, maybe he could just enjoy the evening. “and how are we
starting the syllabus?”
“‘Silence of the Lambs’, absolute classic.”
Carl had a vague recollection of hearing the title, wasn’t it an old horror
movie?
“Am I even old enough to watch it?”
Negan scoffed, “You can never be too young to watch this movie. Consider it a
life lesson.”
Carl let out a little laugh as he curled his legs under him, resting more
against the armrest. He leaned his head on his arm and watched as the opening
credits rolled across the screen.
He couldn’t help but flick his eyes over to the man next time him as he watched
the movie, it’s like they were drawn to him. It was strange, seeing him so
unguarded, he looked so normal. Not that he was weird at school or anything but
it was like his physical appearance finally matched the image that Carl had of
him in his head. He wasn’t the hulking asshole that yelled and threw his cap on
the ground when he was pissed, he was just a guy that had taken the time to get
to know him. He watched as the light from the screen flickered across his face,
illuminating sharp features, the salt and pepper stubble that covered the lower
half of his face, the slight smile that formed whenever a joke was made. It
sent a warm tingle through him, butterflies fluttered around his stomach. He
wanted to etch this moment into his brain forever, the peace that filled him,
he hadn’t felt so comfortable in such a long time. For a brief flicker of a
moment, he felt safe.
Carl felt his eyes dropping they were getting heavier by the second, he tried
to focus on the figures flitting across the screen but he couldn't help closing
his eyes against the light. He felt his breathing deepen as he relaxed further
into the plush cushions, lulled by the soft rhythm of Negan’s breath. He didn’t
even notice as a blanket covered him.
 
***** Negan Interlude p.II *****
Chapter Summary
     Negan's perspective on the events of Halloween.
Chapter Notes
     New chapter a little bit earlier than I thought I'd post! Super super
     short compared to the others but I just wanted to have a little
     exploration of what's going on in Negan's brain.
    "Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and
                                   simpler."
                            - Friedrich Nietzsche 
===============================================================================
                                        
                             Negan_Interlude_pt.II
                                        
Jesus Christ. What the fuck was he doing? He looked down at the sleeping teen,
now covered in the heavy blanket that he’d placed over him. He could get in a
lot of trouble for this. Having a student sleep at his house, the town
Sheriff’s kid? That was just fuckin’ beggin’ for jail time. Still, Negan
couldn't help but notice how peaceful Carl looked, he'd never realised how
tense he was while awake. Even when it was just the two of them he carried a
tension that didn’t seem to exist now.
He sighed, rubbing his face, as he walked away from Carl.
Grabbing his favorite whiskey by the neck he didn’t bother taking a glass as he
headed up the stairs and into his bedroom. He shut the door and leaned against
it, breathing another heavy sigh, he chugged from the bottle. When had his life
gotten so complicated again?
When a certain brunette ran into him one afternoon his mind supplied for him.
Placing the bottle on his bedside table, he stripped himself of his shirt and
shucked off his jeans. He crawled into bed and rested against the headboard,
there’s no way he could fuckin’ sleep now. Too many thoughts bounced around his
head, too many to sleep but too many to focus on. Thousands of questions wanted
to burst out. He wanted to go downstairs and scream them at Carl, shake him
until he told him everything. He wanted to go downstairs and tell him sweet
lies, that he’d be alright and now one would ever hurt him again.
Fuckin’ pussy, he chastised himself. Since when did you get so goddamn soppy?
Just who the fuck was this kid to make him so soft? He mentally cringed as he
thought of how he’d spilled his soul to Carl, he never thought he’d ever
actually tell him how he felt but seeing him there, so vulnerable, so damn sad.
It broke him. He wanted him to know he wasn’t alone, that he had someone there
for him no matter what.
These feelings he was having for him, they couldn’t be right. He’d never felt
this way before. Every time he saw Carl sad he just wanted to make him happy,
he knew he’d do anything to put a smile on his face. That smile that set him on
fire, made him wanted to do the stupidest shit just to keep it on his face.
Rage filled him whenever he saw anyone so much as look at him weirdly. Every
time he saw damn Simon’s face he wanted to punch the living shit out of it for
daring to touch him. Rage filled him again at the thought of anything happening
to Carl at home. Carl had never let on about his home life, never gave any
indication that he had anything but a normal home. He wished he knew what was
going on, his brain was flooded with possibilities, physical abuse? Emotional
abuse? Maybe they weren’t happy that his grades weren’t up to scratch?
He tried to consider how he could find out more. He didn’t have any excuse to
meet his parents, he wasn’t his teacher, didn’t even coach him on a team.
Besides what could he do if he did meet them? Yell at them until they confessed
to whatever it was they were doing? Neither of them were particularly good
options, especially considering who Carl’s father was.
He took another swig from the bottle. He was gonna need a lil’ more than this,
reaching into his bedside table he grabbed the packet of cigarettes that he
kept for emergencies, fumbling around to find the lighter. He found it buried
under the condoms he'd been planning on using that night. He’d been on his way
to a bar when he’d come across Carl, he was desperate for some company, to feel
the touch of someone that wasn’t a 60-year-old biology teacher. A deeper part
of him wanted to bury himself so deep in someone that he forgot about Carl and
the feelings that damn smile of his brought up.
Raising from the bed he walked over to open the window and perch on the ledge.
Negan looked out into the night and lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag he
relished the flood of endorphins that flowed through him. He watched as the
smoke flew into the night air, he hadn’t realised how much he was trembling.
The events of the night had shaken him to the core. His emotions had been all
over the place that night, fear mixed with concern, frustration and anger
battled with each other making him sick with it.
He hadn’t known terror like he’d felt when he realised that it was Carl in
front of his car. The sight of his distraught face, the sheer panic in his eyes
as he fought against him, killed Negan. He desperately wanted to know the cause
of it. Carl was so obviously lying, he’d been a coach long enough to know the
signs of abuse but who was causing it? There was clearly something going on at
home. Something bad enough that Carl wanted to run from it, that it provoked
such a violent physical reaction from him. He was glad he could calm him,
relieved when he felt Carl sag into his arms.
He didn't know why he’d hugged him the second time. It was inappropriate for
God’s sake but the look on Carl’s face made it impossible not to. He just
wanted to keep him in his arms, keep him safe from whatever was out there. How
the fuck could he do that if he didn’t even know what it was?
He understood why Carl didn’t want to talk, Christ, they hardly fucking knew
each other. It had stung though, he wanted Carl to feel comfortable talking to
him about everything. He had meant what he’d said, he would wait until he felt
like he could talk to him. He would do whatever it takes to convince Carl that
he could trust him with anything. He hoped they were on their way there.
Negan didn't know why he'd told him about Lucille. He hated talking about her,
his failed marriage had always been a sore topic. He'd never spoken about it
with anyone, not even his friends back in Seattle knew the full story. Of
course, he'd failed to mention to Carl that the girl in the bar was actually a
guy in the bar. He didn't want to freak him out too much God knows what a
small-town kid would think about bisexuals.
Such a fuckin mess.
He took another drag from his cigarette, briefly regretting not taking the
whiskey with him when he'd moved across the room.
Since when did he care so much about what other people thought of him? When did
he begin to care what this teenager thought of him? How could he even hope that
Carl would tell him about his life when Negan couldn’t even be honest about
something like that?
He was just so damn confused. He couldn’t get his head straight. His feelings
were at war with his sense of responsibility. He and Carl had always toed the
boundary between appropriate and inappropriate. They were too friendly with
each other at times, more like buddies hanging out than student/teacher. He’d
always been like that when he taught football though, he was too used to older
students where it was fine to kick back and relax with them. First names were
normal, and a good relationship meant better results for the team. Not that
anyone at the school had commented on their friendship but he always felt on
edge when they were together. Ready for someone to say something. He’ll be
damned if they did anything to keep them away from each other, he wasn’t gonna
abandon Carl when he so clearly needed someone.
He still didn’t know what it was about Carl that had captured his attention.
Sure, he liked how he’d stood up to him, he was a mystery and they were always
fun to uncover but there was something more there. Something he wasn’t sure he
was ready to think about. Something that could ruin him if it continued. He
didn’t see a way out though, he and Carl were intertwining, he couldn’t see his
life without him. It worried him to be so attached to one person. The last time
that had happened he’d ended up breaking their heart and leaving them to burn
in the ashes of their marriage.
He rubbed at his eyes. He needed to sleep, needed to escape the thoughts for a
while. He flicked the remaining ashes out the window and stubbed the butt
against the frame. He needed to repaint it anyways. He walked back over to the
bed and clambered on it. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. Carl was safe
he kept telling himself. For at least one-night Negan could protect him before
letting him back out into the world.
 
***** Driving into the deep *****
Chapter Summary
     The time they spent together was the highlight of his day, ever
     glance of that damn baseball cap in the hallway sent tingles through
     him, even a single second of eye contact as they passed each other
     was enough to make him smile for the rest of the day. It was
     ridiculous.
Chapter Notes
     Another chapter for you all! Gets a little bit rough for Carl but I
     promise it will get better!
      
     As always thank you so much for the lovely comment and kudos! They're
     so very appreciated!
“I scream for everything that has gone wrong. I scream for everything broken in
                                 our lives.” 
                                  ― Marie Lu
===============================================================================
                                Halloween_2017 
 
Carl woke feeling more rested than he’d felt in such a long time. He squirmed
and twisted as he stretched his muscles out. Confusion hit him when his arms
his soft cushion instead of a hard wall. He sat up quickly and looked around at
the unfamiliar setting. The previous night came rushing back to him, he cringed
with embarrassment as he remembered crying into Negan's arms. What a damn
cliché. He didn’t even stay awake to finish the movie! He groaned and buried
his face in his hands, such a fucking idiot.
Looking up from his palms he had another glance around, no Negan yet, must
still be in bed. He looked to the stairs, should he go up and wake him? Too
rude he corrected himself, he'd already ruined his night why ruin his morning
too?
Padding over to the bathroom he relieved himself and splashed water in his face
yet again. At least he had a decent night sleep for once, his face didn’t seem
as pale as it usually was. Maybe he'd even be able to talk to his parents with
a clear head for a change. God knows he needed to, he had to do whatever it too
to convince them not to send him away. He never thought it’d come to this,
having to talk his parents into keeping him around, he lightly hit his head
against the mirror, why couldn’t he be better for them?
Leaving the room, he stood for a minute and took the place in, he could see why
Negan had chosen it, it was beautiful. He gazed out of one of the windows, the
trees surrounding the cabin were turning a steady rust, he couldn’t see
anything but trees around them. Perfect seclusion he thought, it must be nice
to come back to a place like this every day, it really was a sanctuary from the
nasties of the world. Stepping away from the window he went snooping around the
rest of the ground floor, brushing over cabinets, briefly noticing a distinct
lack of photos. His own house had pictures everywhere, you could pretty much
see their lives in the frames, but here there was nothing but the occasional
candle for decoration. Negan had mentioned friends back in Seattle, he wondered
why there were no pictures of them, what about his family? The more he explored
the house the more questions popped into his head, it was another stark
reminder of how little he knew about him.
He flopped back down on the couch, eyes catching on a baseball bat mounted
above the fireplace. He hadn’t noticed it before. Why the hell would anyone
have a baseball bat hanging over their fireplace? He stood up again to get a
closer look, he couldn’t see any signatures, nothing to indicate that it was
anything special. Just an old bat with a lot of marks, and was that blood? Carl
wrinkled his nose.
“Good to see you and my baby gettin’ on so well.”
Carl jumped at Negan’s voice, he hadn’t heard the man come downstairs.
“Baby?”
“My bat.” Negan moved to stand beside him, looking up at the bat with what Carl
could only describe as pure adoration. He mentally added ‘freakishly attached
to bat’ to the list of things he knew about Negan.
“You call your bat Baby?” Carl tried to sound serious but he couldn’t stop the
hint of jest in his voice.
“Don’t judge! She’s got me through some of my hardest games as a player, kicked
ass in many fights too.” Negan sounded almost proud of it.
So that was blood then. Nice. Somehow so typically Negan. “Sounds like a great
bat.” He replied.
“She is.” There was almost a dreamy tone to his voice, like he was speaking
about a previous lover. He certainly didn’t talk about his wife like that.
“Anyway, you done nosy-ing around?”
Carl looked at him feigning shock. “I wasn’t being nosy, I was just waiting for
you to get your ass outta bed.”
Negan looked sheepish. “Sorry I didn’t mean to sleep so late, I’m not normally
this lazy.”
“Must be the old age thing?” Carl said with a grin on his face.
“You want me to leave you out in the woods?”
“I’m sure I’d find my way out.”
“I’m sure you would you lil badass. Anyway, no time for that, did you sleep
alright?”
“Yeah” he replied. “Best night I’ve had in a while.”
“Good” Negan said as he walked into the kitchen area, Carl followed taking the
same seat at the table. “‘Cos you happened to miss the best part of the movie.”
“Ah. The movie.” He couldn’t remember anything other than a creepy guy behind
glass.
“Yeah, I really hope you’re doin’ better in your real grades that you are in my
movie class.”
“Sorry I promise I’ll do better next time.” Carl said.
“Damn right you will.”
Carl couldn’t help but smile at the words, he wasn’t sure if there would ever
be a ‘next time’ but it sent warm tingles through him to know that Negan would
want one.
“Wanna go for a walk?” Negan asked as he placed a bowl of oatmeal in front of
him. Carl didn't remember him asking if he wanted food. The confusion must have
shown on his face as Negan spoke again. “You're eatin’ the damn oatmeal Carl.
You clearly don't eat enough at home but you'll damn well eat here.”
Carl scowled at him. He wasn't a child. He could decide for himself when he
wanted to eat.
“Don't gimmie that look. I'm not babying you. You train like a damn athlete for
God's sake you need to eat like one. Besides I've got a long hike planned for
us this mornin’ and I'm not havin’ you pass out like a princess just cos you
wanted to make a point.”
Carl glared at him again but begrudgingly took up the spoon and started eating.
Glaring at the know-it-all smirk on Negan's face. He hated it when he was
right. Damn insufferable ass.
He helped him clear up breakfast, Negan had persuaded him to eat scrambled eggs
on toast as well as the porridge. He felt so full he wasn’t convinced that it
would fuel him, if anything all he wanted to do now was curl up and have
another nap. Still he found himself throwing on his sneakers whilst Negan went
to find some boots.
“Ready to go?” The voice behind him asked.
“Yeah.” He stood. “Let’s do this.”
“Shit. Hang on. You need a jacket.” Negan darted off upstairs before Carl could
protest, it wasn’t that cold.
“Here.” Negan shoved a grey sweatshirt at him as he hurried back downstairs.
The big purple W stood out on the front, he recognised it from all of the
brochures he’d seen from the University of Washington, he must have kept it
from college. Carl threw it over himself, feeling slightly ridiculous as it
dwarfed his small figure.
“Sorry I don’t have anything smaller.”
“It’s fine, thanks for letting me borrow it.” Carl gave him a smile as they
walked out of the door. “So where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
They headed away from the house and further into the woods. The crisp air
filled his lungs, the familiar smell of autumn fell over him, it was blissful
he thought. After several minutes walking in silence Carl couldn’t help but ask
“Are we any closer to the surprise?”
Negan laughed as a reply.
“C’mon, tell me something or I’m gonna start to think you’ve brought me out
here to murder me.”
Negan laughed even harder. “Murder you? Nah I’d have bashed you over the head
with my bat last night if I wanted to off you.”
“Good to know.”  
“I found this place a couple of weeks ago, it has a gorgeous view of the
forest.” Negan admitted to Carl, he could tell the kid wasn’t gonna let the
topic go.
“Sounds nice.”
“You’ll find out soon enough. We just gotta get up those rocks.” The older man
stopped and pointed up at the stacked rocks, more like a rocky trail but still
required a little bit of careful navigation.
Carl followed him up, watching each step as they got closer to the top.
Negan turned to grab his hand and help him up onto the final rock, not
expecting the strong grip that pulled him forward Carl stumbled and went
crashing into Negan’s hard chest. Arms wrapped around him as he tried to regain
his footing, he could hear the Negan’s laughter where he was leaning against
his chest. Why was he always making an idiot out of himself?
“We gotta stop meetin’ like this Carl.” Negan said, his grip loosening, arms
slipping down to lightly support his waist as Carl stood straighter. “You gonna
run off again this time?”
Their eyes met, blue hitting brown as they contemplated each other, both
thinking about that first meeting, how much things had changed since then. A
sense of longing filled the air, something flicked in their eyes. Carl could
feel every centimeter of where their bodies connected, his skin tingled where
Negan's hands were placed against his waist. He could feel hard muscle under
his palms where he'd clutched at his arms.
“No, not this time.” Feeling overwhelmed by the feelings soaring through him
Carl stepped away from him, removing all contact between the two, he joked “Not
unless you’re gonna ask me to join your crappy track team again.”

Whatever moment they were having dissipated with his words. Negan chuckled
again and walked onwards. He called out behind him. “Don’t want your sorry ass
on the team anyways, you’d probably just end up falling over me again.”
Carl threw a stick at him. Ass, he thought as he followed.
Another couple of minutes passed before they came to the end of the path.
Negan was right, it was gorgeous up here. Carl might even go so far as to say
it was breath-taking. All you could see was trees, the glorious rust and gold
of the leaves covered the view. It was a clear day for once, blue skies with no
cloud in sight. The perfect backdrop for the view. He stood, stunned, next to
Negan.
Carl didn't know what to say. He didn't want to ruin the peace of the moment.
The sounds of nature filled his ears in the most delightful way, he wanted to
close his eyes to enjoy the bird song but didn't want to miss out on the view.
He sat, legs hanging over the edge, he needed to rest before the journey back
down. Negan sank down beside him, their thighs brushed against each other
through jeans as he shifted to get comfortable.
“Worth the walk?” Negan asked.
“Definitely.” He smiled over at him.
“Carl.”
“Yeah?” He replied absentmindedly, he’d been watching the birds floating over
the treetops.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.”
**********
“Drop me off around here, I don’t think my parents would be too happy to see my
turn up with my high school coach.” Carl said.
“Good fuckin’ point.” Negan pulled the car over. They sat for a moment, neither
knowing quite what to say. Carl felt like his life as becoming a sum of
unspoken words that wanted to burst out of his chest.
“Thanks again Negan. I’ll see ya at school on Monday.” He had to get out of the
car before he said something stupid. He placed his hand on the latch to open
the door, shifting himself to get out he was stopped by a hand on his, Negan’s
hand curled around his, squeezing gently. He frowned when he felt paper between
them.
“I’m always here if you need me Carl, just give me a call. Whatever the time,
wherever you are, if you need me I’ll be there.”
Carl nodded, giving the man a brief smile. He knew he wouldn’t use it. He
didn’t want to bother him anymore than he already did. Dammit, there they were
again, those damn butterflies fluttering around when Negan flashed a dazzling
smile back at him.
“Good, see you later.”
Carl got out of the car and watched him drive off, he clutched the paper in his
hand as he walked back to his house. Nerves filled him the closer he got, what
on earth was he gonna tell them? How was he gonna avoid being sent to live with
Shane? Panic settled in as he thought about what would happen if they didn’t
let him stay.
Walking up to the porch he took a deep breath and stepped inside. His parents
shot towards the door, both of them grabbing him into a crushing hug. It
freaked him out to have them so close, it was too much, he could feel his
breath catch in his throat. Thankfully they let him go before he started
struggling too much, that would be harder to explain.
“You wanna tell us where the hellyou’ve been?” His Dad started, he looked
furious.
“I went to a friend’s house.” He moved further inside the house, he wanted
needed some space.
His Mom followed close behind. “What friend? We called all your friends Carl,
they said they hadn’t spoken to you in months so stop lying and tell us where
you were.”
Great, now he’d have to deal with that on Monday. “It’s a new friend, Matt, he
started this year and we’ve been getting close. I’m sorry for running off like
that.” He tried to act remorseful. He needed to keep his mouth shut, he had to
convince them that he could stay at home. That he was perfectly fine. Time to
be the perfect son again. “I just freaked out. I didn’t want you guys to know
about my grades, I knew how upset you’d be.” Carl looked down at his sneakers,
all part of the act.
“Carl, we don’t care about your grades. We just worry about you baby.” His Mom
spoke, brushing his hair behind his ear, a familiar gesture that used to be
comforting, now it just made him feel awkward.
He squeezed Negan’s number in his hand, it was like having him there, he could
almost feel the heat of his hand in his. He could get through this. “Mom, do I
still have to go live with Shane? My grades are up this year I promise, sure it
sucks being on my own but the quiet helps me study.” He quickly added “Being at
Shane’s might be too distracting.”
At least he didn’t have to lie about that. He knew he wouldn’t get much time to
study if he was around Shane all the time, it just wouldn’t be distracting in
the way that his parents thought it would be.
Carl watched as they exchanged looks, hoping he’d done enough to convince them.
His Dad still looked pissed but he threw his hands up in what looked like
defeat.
“Fine. You can stay here but I swear Carl if your grades aren’t up this term
you’ll be moving into Shane’s whether you want to or not.”
He nearly dropped to the floor in relief at his words. “Thanks Dad.”
He Dad just nodded at him, glancing down at his watch. “I gotta get to work.”
He pointed a finger at him as he left the house. “We’ll talk about your
punishment later Carl.”
He and his Mom stood in awkward silence for a moment.
“I’m...uh… gonna go get changed.”
He leapt up the stairs, ignoring the “Carl!” that echoed behind him.
**********
His Dad appeared to have forgotten his promise of a ‘punishment’, in fact his
parents seemed to have forgotten about the whole damn thing. Their lives
continued as normal, the only difference was the occasional question about his
grades. Thankfully he’d been staying on top of them this semester and he was
actually proud that he had A grades again. He felt cautiously optimistic about
college now, he had yet to pick an actual campus but at least he might actually
get into one. Carl might even go so far as to say he was having a good week.
Shane had been away on a training course, his parents were keeping their
distance, and he and Negan had been spending more time together after school.
Negan had taken to driving Carl home when they were finished at the school.
They were always the last ones there, no one ever saw them and Negan always
dropped him off at least a block from his house. Carl couldn’t help but feel
slightly guilty whenever they did this. It was a constant reminder of how
inappropriate their friendship was. The age difference didn’t bother him but he
didn’t want Negan to lose his job because of him. It wasn’t so bad because he
didn’t teach him directly but Carl was sure he’d be in a lot of trouble if the
school found out that he’d slept over at his place.
A very selfish part of him didn’t care. The time they spent together was the
highlight of his day, ever glance of that damn baseball cap in the hallway sent
tingles through him, even a single second of eye contact as they passed each
other was enough to make him smile for the rest of the day. It was ridiculous.
Mentally shaking himself he turned his attention back to his college essay.
He’d actually been making progress on it, with a little help from Negan of
course. They’d been working on it together in the evening. It was mostly Carl
shouting out ideas and Negan declaring them as “Fuckin’ boring as shit” or
“Good”. Not always helpful but it got the job done and he was now nearing the
end of the damn thing.
Thank God.
Finishing it up took the remainder of his lunch break but at least it was done.
All he had to do was pluck up the courage to get Negan to read over it. It made
him nervous to show Negan such a personal piece of work, he wanted him to be
impressed this was his first chance to show the man that he wasn’t just a
whiney teenager with issues. Having printed it off he headed to his next class,
thoughts filled with Negan.
That afternoon, Carl handed the finished piece to Negan, watching as the man
sat on the bleachers, take out his glasses, and start reading. He anxiously
paced in front of him, absently biting at his nail as he waited for him to
finish.
“Can ya stop with the whole back and forth thing? You’re making me dizzy.”
Negan spoke out, not raising his head from the paper.
Carl froze on the spot. “Right. Sorry.” He went to sit next to him. Body not
quite ready to stop moving his knee jiggled, trying to remove some of the
jittery tension in him. A firm hand came down to hinder the movement.
“Seriously?” Negan asked.
“Sorry.” Carl blurted out, why couldn’t he just control himself. Negan’s hand
remained on his knee as he read, Carl found it strangely comforting. Most of
the time he would do anything to escape being touched, it usually sent tendrils
of fear and discomfort through him. Even when Negan had touched him before it
electrified his senses so much that it was overwhelming, he was usually torn
between wanting more and wanting to run. Now though, in this moment, it was
perfect, his hand was a reassuring presence that calmed his nerves.
He saw Negan stop reading, watched as he took his glasses off and placed them
back in his pocket. He waited for him to say something, holding his breath as
the silence continued. Finally, Negan looked at him.
“That was brilliant Carl.” Negan smiled as he handed the paper back. “With an
essay like that any college will take you.”
Carl couldn’t contain the burst of emotion that spread through him, he threw
himself into Negan’s arms gripping the other man in a tight hug. For the first
time in years in actually felt proud of himself, college was becoming a real
possibility and he had Negan to thank for getting him there. Laughter bubbled
out of him, joining Negan’s low chuckle. The embraced only lasted a few
moments, Carl’s arms tight around Negan’s neck, Negan’s hand gently rubbing his
back, before they had to separate. Carl suddenly remembering exactly where they
were and how bad it would look if anyone spotted him hugging the Coach.
He let out an awkward laugh as he sat back in his seat, rubbing the back of his
neck as he tried to calm himself. He felt embarrassed with his sudden outburst,
not that Negan seemed to mind he was still looking at him with that stupid grin
on his face.
“Thanks. Just need to fill out the applications now.” Carl said to break the
silence.
“Good, get on with it. Just promise me one thing Carl.” Negan’s face turned
serious.
“What?”
Negan leaned in closer. “Promise me, no matter what college you go to, that you
won’t join their damn track team.”
Carl rolled his eyes and hit his shoulder. “Sure, Coach whatever you say.”
**********
He once again cursed his luck as he realised why he and his classmates were
being herded into the big gymnasium. He’d forgotten about Drink Driving Day. It
was the big day organised by the local police force, AKA his Dad, where they’d
gather all the high school students to drill it into their heads not to drink
and drive. He’d heard the lecture at least a thousand times from his Father at
home but he was still forced to attend the event every year. He took a seat at
the back and waited for his Dad to make his entrance at the front of the room.
His eyes scanned over the gym, he could see Enid snugging up to Ron, when had
they become a couple? He really had stopped paying attention to things. He
could see the usual teachers hovering around the edges of the seats, he was
surprised to see Negan there, probably making sure no one messes up his gym.
Their eyes caught over the sea of students, Negan gave him a quick nod and a
smile before continuing his discussion with the teacher next to him.
He turned his attention back to the front of the room as a figure sauntered
across it. Shane, not his dad. When had he taken over?
The talk seemed to go on forever, Shane’s familiar drawl filling his ears, he
was unable to escape the noise that echoed through the hall. Ever second made
his skin crawl, He couldn’t stop fidgeting even after the kid next to him let
out an annoyed sigh and glared at him. Every now and again Shane would catch
his eye, each stare sending flickers of fear for him. This was supposed to be
his safe place, one of the few places where Shane wouldn’t be. His heart raced
in his ears, his head became filled with the heavy thud enhanced by the words
spewing out of Shane’s mouth. He lost track of time, the kid next to him shoved
at his shoulder to get him to move. The talk was over. Carl scrambled to get up
so they could leave he followed closely behind the group hoping to get lost in
the hustle.
A hand landed on his shoulder, he was plucked out of the crowd and pulled
aside.
“You gonna help me clean up?” Shane’s voice whispered in his ear. He didn’t
have much of a choice judging by how hard he was gripping at his shoulder.
Carl watched as the room emptied, a twinge of disappointment flickered through
him as he saw Negan leave with the rest of the teachers, he had hoped the man
might have stayed. He let out a sigh and started clearing up, the chairs could
stay but all the materials from the lecture had to go back into the store
cupboard in the corner of the room. Shane was busy playing nice with the
teachers that remained, if he was quick enough maybe he’d get out of there
before they all left.
He carried as much as he could on each trip to the cupboard, there wasn’t much
stuff but it was enough to wear him out after the first few drop offs. Shane
was still talking to the teachers as he picked up the last items, he
practically sprinted to the cupboard, he was nearly home free.
The next thing Carl knew was the ground coming up to meet his face. He cried
out as his hands skidded along the floor, knees smacking against the ground. He
turned to face his attacker, he was surprised to see Shane standing behind him,
he thought it’d be Simon or one of his flunkies.
“Wha-?” He started, growing confused as Shane turned to lock the door behind
them. He wouldn’t do anything here would he?
Shane glared down at him, eyes piercing in the dim light that seeped in through
the only window in the small cupboard. Carl pushed backwards, creating more
space between them, things felt wrong. His stomach twisted and churned, they
hadn’t spoken since Halloween, two weeks had passed and Carl had managed to
avoid the man. Now here he was, towering over him, looking almost as angry as
the time Carl dared to cut his hair. He could feel himself tremor at the memory
of unforgiving leather hitting his bare flesh.
“You wanna explain yourself Carl?” Shane asked as he shucked off the jacket he
always wore to those talks. “You wanna tell me why you ran off on Halloween?
Why you decided to reject my kind offer to take you in?”
“I… d-didn’t... I…. didn’t… uh… wanna be a burden on you. You work so hard, I
didn’t think you’d want the hassle of dealing with a teenager.” The lies were
becoming all too easy for him.
He drew away as Shane knelt down beside him, reaching his hand out to brush a
cheek.
“Carl,” His voice was misleadingly kind. “You know you’re never a hassle to me.
I love havin’ you around.”
The hand moved past his cheek and slid into his hair, brushing through the long
locks. Shane looked over his face, leaning in close to place a chaste kiss on
his lips. Carl tried not to turn away, he had to keep him happy. Shane sighed
into his face, Carl’s nose turned at the foul breath, he looked away as Shane’s
eyes closed in bliss.
“You always taste so damn good baby.” He nudged their noses together in a
warped imitation of affection before sharply removing himself from Carl. He
stood. “Can’t get too distracted though Carl. There’s still the matter of your
punishment.” He unbuckled his belt. This time Carl did flinch as the belt flew
through the hoops, he looked up in fear as Shane wrapped part of it around his
hand.
“Shane... please... I’m sorry… I…. I won’t do it again... please you don’t have
to do this.”
“I don’t want to do this baby, but you gotta learn. You can’t just run away
from me Carl” He raised his arm and brought the belt down hard on Carl.
Carl cried out at the stinging blow, even through his clothes he could feel it
burn into his skin. He curled in on himself, trying to cover his head as blow
after blow landed on his body. His yells turned into whimpers, then into cries
as the pain boiled through him. They blurred into one, igniting his body with
pain, he didn’t even notice when Shane stopped. He flinched and tried to move
away as hands touched his body.
“N-no no no... pl… please.” he tried to stutter out, pain erupted with every
brush of Shane’s hands. He could hardly move, he wanted to get away but it hurt
too much. He was stuck, the thought brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes,
more desperation sunk through him. His fingers desperately clawed at the wall
in front of him, trying to find a grip to get away as those hands tugged his
pants away.
“Have you learned your lesson baby?” His voice slithered into his ear.
“Ye-yes... yes... I-I’m sorry… please... I’m so sorry... just stop.” He begged
as he felt unmercifully dry fingers enter him. His pleas went unanswered. He
felt his mind float away as fresh pain seared through him, whimpers escaping
his mouth with each thrust of the man’s hips.
**********
Carl lay there after Shane had left, he’d very quickly rejected the man’s offer
for a ride home with a quick lie about a meeting with the Guidance Counsellor.
The door slammed shut behind the man, leaving Carl alone in the dark room. He
had to get up. He didn’t know how long it would be before the next session in
the gym, the last thing he needed was someone catching him lying there like
that.
He shifted around, trying to find a position that didn’t hurt. No luck there.
There didn’t seem to be a single inch of his body that Shane hadn’t inflicted
his belt on. He almost cried as he tried to stand, his legs could hardly hold
him up. His legs shaking as they tried to support his weight. He fell against
the wall, desperately trying not to fall down again. Tears streamed down his
face at the helplessness he felt, his forehead pressed to the wall as he tried
to calm himself down again. Gathering some strength, he leaned down to drag up
his jeans, making several attempted to do them up as his hands shook.
This time he couldn’t stop the yelp of pain as his bag hit a particularly sore
spot on his shoulder. He took a second to gather himself again before
proceeding out the door. He had no idea what the time was, Shane’s talk was at
the end of the day, God knows who long they were in that cupboard though. Going
across the field would be the quickest way home, he needed that considering how
his legs felt like they could hardly keep him upright, but Negan. He was always
out on the field after school, he was usually done within two hours but Carl
couldn’t be sure. He didn’t want the man to see him like this. Shane had
avoided hitting his face but he knew he would be red from all the crying he’d
done.
He stood still for a moment in the empty corridor, closing his eyes to try and
refocus himself. You gotta get home Carl. Just avoid the field, it’ll be easier
that way. He nodded to himself, you can do this, just take it slow. He had to
pass along to top of the field no matter what the route was but if Negan was
still on the pitch he’d hopefully be too distracted to notice him.  As he
limped his way across the parking lot that was parallel to the field he failed
to notice the eyes that follow him.
***********
He looked over himself in the mirror the next morning. He’d gotten lucky, his
parents had been at work when he’d arrived home, no one to witness his slow
climb up the stairs. He had to stop every other step to catch his breath, the
pain was almost too much at times. He did stop for a few minutes when he
reached the top, tears creeping to the surface as his new wounds were jostled.
He’d manage to have a quick shower before falling into bed, sleep didn’t come
easy, there didn’t seem to be a single position that didn’t irritate a mark.
Looking at himself now he was amazed he’d managed to get any sleep at all. His
body was littered with bruises and welts, he winced as movement opened one of
the marks left by the belt buckle, it had torn into his skin leaving a deep
cut. He’d have to put something over it before school, he couldn’t walk about
with blood all over his clothes. Speaking of, he tentatively bent down and
picked up his outfit from the day before, he was surprised no one had stopped
him on his way home, they were covered in blood. It wasn’t the first time he’d
gotten blood on his clothing but there had never been as much blood as there
was this time. He must have more open wounds that he couldn’t see, he tried to
find them in the mirror but could only catch a glimpse of a couple. He sighed,
he’d have to get rid of the clothes, he couldn’t risk washing them in case the
stains didn’t come out and his Mom got to the load before he -id. So, he
stuffed them into his backpack, making a mental note to toss them en-route to
school.
He grabbed the first aid kit he kept hidden under his bed and tried to cover
the welts that were at risk of bleeding. School would be fun with those, he
dreaded the inevitable pain that would erupt every time someone “accidentally”
bumped into him. Carl did think about ditching for the day. The thought was
quickly quashed as he remembered that good attendance was a crucial part of his
college applications, his teachers could say what they liked about his
participation but he damn well attended every single class.
Carl dressed and gathered all his books for school, he’d need extra time
getting there today so it meant no breakfast, he just hoped he was early enough
that his parents were still in bed. Opening the door a fraction he held his
breath as he listened out for any noise that would place them anywhere but
their bedroom. All quiet. Breathing out in relief he headed down the stairs,
trying not to cry out as each step awoke a new ache in him.
The actual walk to school was just as painful, like the previous night he had
to stop several times to gather himself together. His heart sank as he realised
that he would have to miss his run that evening, reluctantly he thought that it
was probably best he didn’t see Negan until he had healed a bit more. The man
was too observant and the last thing Carl wanted right now was more questions.
Heading into his first class he placed himself in his usual spot at the back
and waited for the teacher to start his ramblings. He still didn’t pay much
attention in class, preferring to people watch through the window. He nearly
jumped out of his skin when the classroom door slammed open, revealing Negan.
“Sorry Mr. Masters, I need to borrow Carl Grimes for a moment, it’s an
emergency.”
The teacher looked shocked at the sudden interruption. “Uh...sure...Carl go
with the Coach.”
Still confused Carl grabbed his bag, he tried to minimise his limp, he could
feel his cheeks flush as every set of eyes in the room focused on him. He
followed Negan out of the classroom, tried to ask him what was going on but was
silenced by a quick glare. Why was he so angry with him? Anxiety prickled at
him, he wondered what he’d done to screw things up. He’d barely spoken with the
man in the last few days, just their usual chats, he couldn’t have upset him.
When they finally arrived at Negan’s office, Carl waited as he closed the door.
They stood facing each other, neither knowing what to say. Carl watched as the
angry look turned into concern then anger again, the two emotions waring for
dominance on the man’s face.
“Are you alright?” Negan asked eventually.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just need to get back to cla-”
“Don’t bullshit me Carl, I saw you limping across the parking lot last night.
You wanna tell me what that was about?” Negan interrupted.
Shit.
“I just turned my ankle that’s all. No biggie.” He tried to downplay it.
“People get injured all the time it’s normal.”
“You seem to get injured a lot more than others Carl.”
“I’m clumsy.” He countered, he didn’t want to deal with this today. He didn’t
want to deal with anything, he wanted to go to home, curl up under his duvet
and forget the damn world existed.
“Carl.” Negan seemed exasperated, fingers tense over the ridge of his nose.
Good Carl thought, he never asked him to get involved, he doesn’t have the
right to any answers. Except for the fact that he was the only one to take him
in when he was left out in the cold. He was there for him when he needed him.
His brain reminded him that  he wasn’t there when Shane beat the shit out of
you. He was getting angry with the man, how dare he take him out of class just
to bombard him with questions? Why couldn't he just leave him alone? Who was he
to ingrain himself so much into Carl’s life?
“Can I go back to class?” He wanted to get away from this office. For once he
wanted to be away from Negan and his damn questions. He was sick of feeling
helpless, like he needed constant supervision and protection. He was sick of
those damn butterflies in his stomach whenever Negan was around. He hated how
vulnerable he was in front of him, how much he yearned to be around him when he
wasn’t there. It was more than any friendship he’d ever felt and he was
terrified.
Negan looked over at him, imploring with him through his eyes to give him
something. Didn’t he see Carl had nothing more to give?
Sighing in defeat Negan said “Sure.”
As Carl reached for the handle, his soft voice stopped him. “If you want me to
leave you alone Carl you just have to say.”
He leaned his head against the door, heart breaking at his words, he never
wanted him to leave him alone, that was the problem. “No. I don’t.” He looked
back at him. “Please… just… please don’t give up on me.” He pleaded.
Carl darted out of the room as soon as he’d spoken. He didn’t want to hear the
response, didn’t want to think about the words he just said, how much he’d
exposed himself to the man.
 
***** Dinner for All *****
Chapter Summary
     Things change within Carl and Negan's relationships as Thanksgiving
     gets underway.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
 
 
  "When your stomach turns somersaults every time you see your love interest,
   when you can go without eating for half a day because you can’t think of
   anything else, and when the sound of her voice blocks out every possible
distraction each time you hear it…then logic’s role becomes a very minor one."
                                 —Erik Tomblin
===============================================================================
                                        
                                 November_2017
 
That afternoon he didn’t bother going to see Negan, Carl still didn’t want to
deal with the repercussions of what he had said to the man. He still didn’t
know why he’d said it. The thought of the man leaving him alone was just
unbearable, like being forced to live without sunlight. He couldn’t go back to
the life of despair that he’d lived before Negan had come barreling into his
life. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to tell him everything. The thought
petrified him, it’d make it too real. When it was just two of them, Carl could
pretend that he was normal, that he didn’t have bruises on his hips or bite
marks covering his chest. If he told him then it would taint their
relationship, if Negan even believed what he was saying. He wasn’t sure that
he’d be able to deal with that rejection. He didn’t even know that he’d be able
to cope with Negan knowing. Would he look at him differently? Would he force
him to tell his parents? He imagined it would be like unlocking Pandora’s Box.
His entire world would change. Was he ready for that?
He just didn’t know, all the speculation was just exhausting. As he said
before, it was just easier this way.
He kicked a rock as he walked along the sidewalk. He’d gone to the town library
after school instead of going for a run, he’d meant to study for his test the
next day but his mind wouldn’t focus, he kept thinking back to his conversation
with Negan. Guilt stabbed in his chest as he recalled the hurt look on Negan’s
face when he’d snapped at him. He wanted to make it right, he just didn’t know
how. He kicked another rock into the road, frowning when it clinked against
metal rather than gravel. Carl glanced over, recognising Negan’s car pulling up
next to him.
“How long have you been following me?” He asked the man as he lowered the
driver’s window.
“I haven’t been following you, I just happened to see you on my way home. You
want a ride?” Negan replied.
Carl sighed, debating his options. At least if he went with him now, he could
fix things. Maybe then he’d be able to focus on his studying. “Sure.” He said,
moving to get into the passenger’s side. The day was a sharp contrast to the
last time he was in the car, the air felt awkward, neither of them knowing what
to say to break the silence. Negan started driving, heading in the direction of
Carl’s house, both of their eyes fixed on the road ahead of them.
“Negan?” Carl broke the silence.
“Yeah?” Negan's eyes briefly flickered over to him as he replied.
“Can...would….would it be alright if we went to your place again?” Carl
tentatively asked. He wasn't sure if he would be welcome there again, if Negan
would even think it's appropriate to take him back there.
“Yeah. Sure, if that's what you want?” Negan let the question hang in the air.
“Yeah. Please. I'm not ready to go home yet.”
Negan nodded and changed direction. Things went quiet again, Carl hated it.
Conversation usually flowed so easily between them, had he ruined things
between them?
“So I had a talk with the Principal this morning...”
Panic spread through Carl, had he been talking about him? They'd never said
that their conversations were private but he thought Negan would keep it all to
himself.
“...turns out your old gym teacher decided to leave yesterday. Something about
needing to get away from town? She always seemed a bit unsteady to me but
anyways he wants me to take over your gym class.” Negan finished.
Carl was at a loss for words. He wasn't sure how he should feel about this new
information. On one hand he was happy that he'd be spending more time with the
man but on the other it made things a little bit more complicated between them.
He'd actually be his teacher. Teachers didn't spend time with students outside
of school, they certainly didn't take him back to their homes.
“It's only for a few weeks, just to cover until they find someone new. They
know I don't have time to be teaching dodgeball when I've got to Coach several
teams. Just means I'll be covering things like parents evening.” Negan glanced
at Carl's face again, wanting to see his reaction to his words.
Carl could feel the colour drop from his face. Negan would be meeting his
parents. He'd forgotten all about parents evening. It was coming up in a week
or so. His parents didn't usually bother but with all the hassle about his
grades they'd been adamant that they were going this year.
“That a problem?” Negan asked.
“No. No problem. I'm sure they'll be happy to meet you.” Carl finally replied.
“And are you happy for me to meet them?”
“Why wouldn't I be?”
“I don't know Carl you're the one who gets touchy when I mention them.” Negan
responded.
“I'm not touchy.” Carl snapped back. He rolled his eyes at himself, very
convincing Carl.
“Sure you're not.”
Negan placed the car in park. Carl hadn't even noticed that they'd arrived. He
got out of the car, ignoring the stinging pain from one of his bruises as he
twisted out of the seat. He walked up to the house, waiting by the door for
Negan to open up.
Negan chuckled the keys into the dish he kept by the door, shucking off his
leather jacket as he walked into the house. Carl hesitated by the door, he
could feel something brewing, sitting down didn't feel like the right thing to
do in the moment. Negan turned to face him.
“Do you wanna talk about this?” He asked.
“About what?”
“Everything? Anything?”
“Not really no.” Carl replied. He really didn’t feel like talking at the
moment. He was still trying to make sense of the fact that Negan was now his
teacher. He couldn't help but worry about parents evening. Would Negan say
something about his bruises? About the bullying?
“Fine.” Negan went over and shoved another DVD into the machine. “Wanna watch
another one?”
The man just never stopped surprising him.
“You wanna watch a movie? Now?” He asked before sitting himself down on the
couch.
Negan joined him. “Yeah. You don't wanna talk. I'm sure as hell not gonna make
you so we might as well.” Negan checked his watch. “Besides it's only 5 so you
shouldn't fall asleep this time.”
Carl shifted closer so he could hit his arm. “You're such an ass.”
Negan grinned at him. Carl grinned back, the tension slowly ebbing out of his
body as things returned to normal between them. “I know. Now take your shoes
off and watch the movie.”
Carl did as told before leaning back against the couch. The words ‘Hannibal’
flashed across the screen. Wasn't that the guy from the other movie? Must be a
sequel he thought. Of course Negan would make him watch both.
**********
“Oh my god.” Carl said, eyes still fixed on the screen.
“Good right?” Negan was smiling, he’d never get bored of that movie. “Wanna
watch the next one?”
“There’s more?” He asked incredulous. He wasn’t sure just what the hell he’d
just watched.
“Yeah, there’s two more. One’s kinda shit but it’s still worth a watch.” Negan
finally looked over to Carl, was that shock on the teen’s face?
“Should I be worried that you like movies where people eat each other’s
brains?” Carl asked.
“How did you not like it? It’s perfection!”
“It’s creepy and she just falls in love with him? Even after he kills a guy in
front of her?”
“Nah I don’t think she loves him, not yet anyways. She’s into him because he
doesn’t think like other guys, he interests her, challenges her and she likes
that. He seems to understand her in a way that no one else has, finding that in
a person, it’s...well...indescribable.”
“Huh.” Carl replied. It’s still weird, but then he could understand what it was
like to have inappropriate feelings towards the wrong person. He could even
understand what it’s like to find that person that could understand what you
were saying before you even knew yourself. He had found that in Negan and it
was like finding a precious pearl after years of swimming in the depths of the
ocean. He often wondered whether Negan felt the same way, or if he’d felt that
way about anyone else. Carl felt a tinge of jealousy sting through him at the
thought, he wanted Negan to think that way about him. More than anything he
wanted to know that everything he felt about Negan was reciprocated in some
way, the man had said he cared about him but how much? Did he just care in a
way that teacher should care about their pupils or was it more?
Teachers don’t hang out with students in their house his brain reminded him.
Still he couldn’t stop that feeling in his body that Negan was only there for
him out of pity, because he knew that Carl didn’t have anyone else.
A hand brushed over his hair, moving it away from his face. He looked over to
Negan questioningly, blushing at the contact, he fought his body’s instinct to
flinch away.  
“You alright? You went all quiet on me?” Negan asked, moving his hand away from
Carl face to rest along the back of the couch.
“Yeah, just thinking.”
“I wish I knew what goes on in that fuckin head of yours.” Negan said leaning
his head on his fist.
Carl chuckled, he'd never had anyone say that to him before. “Nothing
interesting up here. Just me.”
“Well you're pretty damn interesting.”
“Why?” Carl blurted out. He needed to know. God he needed to know why this man
was so involved in his life.
“Why what?”
Carl stood, moving away from the man to look at the bat on the wall. He was
hoping it might give him inspiration, maybe even some courage to finally ask
what he'd be dying to know for the past few weeks. He breathed in deep, trying
to summon the words in his head.
He turned, looking straight at Negan who was now sat at the edge of the couch.
He looked so serious, Carl thought, like they were about to have the most
important discussion of his life. Then again that was how he always looked when
they were talking, like Carl was his whole word, it made his head spin.
“Why… why do you… why do youcare?” He finally asked. His voice catching on the
last word. “Why…” he stopped to think for a moment. “...why do you find me so
interesting? Am I just a pity project to you? Someone you can use to feel
better about yourself?” Now the words were flowing he could hardly stop. It was
only the sight of Negan's saddened face that finally ebbed the flow.
“Carl…”Negan began. “You are not a damn pity project.” The man rose from the
couch, he started pacing in front of Carl, hand rubbing at his forehead. He
looked tense as hell, sadness transforming into anger on his face. “Is that
what you really fucking think Carl?” Negan asked, stopping in front of him for
a moment anger seeming to build up within him,, before moving on. “You really
think I talk to you because I think you're some fucking charity work?” He
scoffed as he walked on.
Carl took a step back, he wondered if he pushed him too hard this time. A burst
of fear erupted in him, he still had the marks from the last time he’d upset
someone. Negan isn't Shane his brain tried to remind him but it couldn’t stop
the slight tremble that shook his body
“Un-fucking-believable.” He said as he turned again and resumed his stride the
other way.
“I-”
“No.” Negan said firmly, pointing a finger at Carl. “Nu-uh. This is my damn
time to talk and honestly Carl I'm fucking sick of the bullshit between us. I'm
here because I damn well fucking care about you and it's about damn time you
believe it. When I look at you I don't see a victim or a bullied kid that needs
a friend. I see a fucking human being who I damn welllikebeing around. I don't
see all the shit you go through with Simon or the bruises I fucking know you
hide under all that damn clothing. I see a guy who isn't afraid to do what he
has to do to survive. I see a badass who fuckin’ ranaway from me the first time
we spoke because he was sick of the shit I was spouting out.” Negan walked
closer to him, placing a finger under his chin to force eye contact.
Carl could feel the puffs of air coming from the other man flitter across his
face. He wondered how long Negan had been bottling all this up for.
“I see someone I care about who's hurting bad and there's not a damn thing that
I can do to stop it.” Their eyes lingered on each other as he spoke, despair
seeping into every word he spoke replacing the anger from before. “You wanna
know why you interest me? It’s because you’re you. You have a way of making the
world seem a little bit less harsh every.single day that I see you, even if
it’s just a glimpse of you in the fucking corridor. You give me hope that I can
actually do something good in my life after all the shit that I’ve done. You
laugh at my shitty fuckin’ jokes, you’re not afraid to call me out on my
bullshit and you’re goddamn funnier than most of the asshats I’ve had in my
life.”
Negan moved his hand to softly thumb away a tear that had trickled down Carl’s
cheek as he spoke again. “Carl, you’re are an incredible person, whether you
wanna believe that or not. All I’d ever want is for you to know that you’re not
a charity case, you never have and you never will be. I don’t expect anything
from you other than for you to be who you are. Whether you wanna talk to me or
not I’m here and I always will be.”
Carl didn’t know what to say, he was too moved to speak. He’d never expected
that response to his question. He never thought he meant as much to Negan as he
did to him, he’d always felt like a burden, he’d not imagined that he was
helping the man too. He tried to say something but the words wouldn’t come out.
Once again he found himself overcome by his emotions, overwhelmed at the
thoughts trickling through his head. For the first time in his life he had the
urge to do something he never thought he’d ever willingly do, let alonewant to
do. He wanted to kiss the man, wanted to wipe away all the hurt he caused him
with his accusations, wanted to use his lips to promise him a better future
between them.
The thought terrified him, made him tremble at what they meant. Instead he
chose to lay his head against the man’s chest, wrapping his arms around his
waist as he clung to him. “Negan?” He whispered against him soft fabric of his
shirt.
“Yeah?” He felt the man's lips move against his head, gently moving the curls
of hair at the top, it made him shiver.
“I believe you…” He let his words trail off, he didn’t know what else he could
say. The only response was strong arms growing tighter around him and a soft
sigh. He let his eyes fall shut, the thump of Negan’s steady heartbeat soothing
him, obliterating any anxiety he felt that moment.
**********
Carl broke out of the embrace first, he wanted to stay wrapped up in those arms
forever but his body protested at the prolonged pressure on his bruised back.
He stepped back, rubbing his neck awkwardly, he cleared his throat. “Thanks,
for-uh-answering my question.” Really Carl? That’s the best you could come up
with? His words were met with a chuckle an affectionate brush against his
cheek.
“Anytime Carl.”
His eyes caught on the clock beside on of the couches, shit, 11pm, he hadn’t
realised it was so late. Negan’s eyes followed his line of sight, quickly
realising what had provoked the reaction from Carl.
“Past your curfew?” He asked.
“No. Well, yeah, I mean I don’t really have a curfew but I meant to study for
my test tomorrow.” Carl explained. He really wasn’t prepared for it, he’d been
so busy trying to finish off his damn college essay that he’d left his test
prep for the last minute. It was only math, he was good at math but he would
need at least a few hours to study.
“Ah, shit. I’m sorry Carl I shouldn’t have put the movie on.”
“No no it’s fine! I can just do an all-nighter, shouldn’t be a problem.” He
hated the guilty look on Negan’s face.
“What’s the test on?”
“Math.”
“OK, have you got your books with you?” Negan asked, heading over to the dining
table.
“Yeeah.” Carl replied, where was the man going with this?
“Great. Bring ‘em over here.” Negan cleared the table of the crap he’d left on
it earlier.
“Why?”
“So I can help you study.” Negan sat down, gesturing for Carl to come over.
“You don’t have to I’ll be alright on my own.” He said even as he walked over
to join him, placing his book-filled bag on the table.
“Yeah but it always helps to have someone to bounce ideas off. Anyways it’s my
fault you’re so late. Do you need to tell your parents that you’ll be out
tonight?”
Having drawn out his books he sat down next to Negan, flipping through his
textbook until he landed on the topic for the test.
“Nah they’re both on night shifts tonight, they won’t notice I’m gone.”
“Huh, that’s shitty of them to leave you on your own all night.”
“I think it’s safe to say they know I won’t be having parties whilst they're
out.” Carl said, they knew he didn’t even know enough people to have any party.
“Still what if something happened to you?”
“I’m 17 Negan, I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can but you shouldn’t have to, that’s what parents are for.” Negan
explained.
“It doesn't matter, anyways what do you know about algebra?” He asked.
“Jesus fucking Christ Carl you are all about the difficult questions today.”
Negan joked as he picked up the textbooks, letting out a loud “Fucking hell” as
he read over the questions. Carl couldn’t help but laugh at the confused look
on his face.
“Alright the only way we’re gonna get through this is with a shit-ton of
coffee, you start reading whilst I make it. Then we’ll get to the fun part.”
Negan said as he headed towards the coffee machine.
“What part is supposed to be fun?”
“The part where I ask you all the questions and you have to answer them.” He
replied with a wicked grin on his face.
Carl groaned and picked up his book. Tonight was gonna be a long one.
**********
He wasn’t wrong, they literally spent the entire night studying. The topic was
a lot harder than he remembered, or so he thought but it could have been the
fact that he kept getting distracted by the man’s face. He flushed as he
remembered having to ask Negan to repeat several questions after he’d gotten
distracted tracing the man’s lips with his eyes, watching as they parted and
moved with each word. His gaze often trailing down to admire the stubble that
grew over his sharp jawline. He had to keep reminding himself to stop being a
damn teenager and focus on what he was actually saying.
When did he even begin thinking like this? He’d never been so interested in
anyone’s physical appearance so much before. He could stare at him all day and
it would never be enough to sate his appetite for him. Was this what it was
like for normal teenagers? Did he have a damn crush on the man? The fact that
he’d wanted to kiss him earlier would be a good indication. Way to make things
even more complicated Carl. He involuntarily let out a pained groan, mentally
hitting himself when he realised that he had actually groaned out loud.
“Don’t worry Carl, you’ll be fine, you know your shit.” Negan said as he
finished off another cup of coffee.
Thank God for algebra he thought, saved him from a little more embarrassment .
“I’m gonna head up for a quick shower, then we’ll get going. You eat some damn
breakfast.” Negan pointed his finger at him.
“Yes Sir.” Carl spoke with a mocking salute.
“You better get used to sayin’ that. Got my first class with ya later and don’t
think I’m gonna go easy on you.”
Gym class with Negan? That was certainly gonna be interesting he thought as he
grabbed a bowl for cereal from the cupboard.
**********
Gym class with Negan was a stark reminder of how different the man was when it
was just the two of them. The warm smile and jokey expressions were gone as he
dominated the gym hall. Pacing back and forth in front of his class it was safe
to say that Negan had successfully intimidated them all. Hell if Carl didn't
know him as well as he did he'd probably be scared shitless of him.
The man was fucking cruel.
He made them run so many damn laps that even Carl was tempted to throw a ball
at him as they played dodgeball. It didn’t help that he was still recovering
from the injuries left by Shane, he would have been fine doing all the laps if
it weren’t for the lingering pain.
“Havin’ fun?” Negan asked him as he waited by the side of the court. He’d been
knocked out of the game pretty early, he was thankful for that, the
anticipation of the pain as the ball hit him was worse than the actual hit.
“Oh yeah, it’s great.” He panted at him. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re a
fucking ass?”
“Ooh language Carl!” Negan smirked back at him. “Want me to give you a
detention for sassing the teacher?”
“If it means I can leave this class then hell yes please.”
“Nah, it’s too much fun tormenting you here.”
“I repeat: you’re an ass.”
“Yeah and you love me for it.” Negan joked at him, not realising the impact his
words had on Carl. The warmth that tingled through him, the dizziness that swam
over his head at the thought. He was startled by the whistle that blew in his
ear.
“Alright you idiots, another ten laps of the hall then you can all go take a
damn shower.” He looked over at Carl who was still stood there dumbstruck.
“Move your ass Grimes.”
Carl hopped into action, running to get away from the stupid thoughts that
flowed through his head. He hoped the Principal would find a replacement soon,
he wasn’t sure how many more of these lessons his heart could take.
**********
Another week of that hellish class passed, he didn’t know what was worse, the
constant running or the constant flush that seemed to spread over his face when
Negan was in the room. There was something about seeing him scream at the other
students that was oddly attractive, it made him even more clumsy in class. He
seemed to spend most of the class on the sidelines trying not to stare at
Negan, having been eliminated from the games early. The only thing he could do
was run and even then he kept getting lost in his thoughts of the man.
He could hardly believe it when Parent’s Evening finally came around. There he
stood, in the corner of the same hall that he ran around. The room had been set
up with desks and chairs so parents could sit with each of the teachers for the
required ten minutes. It was a fairly small school so there was plenty of room
for the parents to spread around and wait. They’d been there for an hour
already, an hour of him waiting nervously for the moment his parents met his
Coach, before they finally sat down with the man.
He watched them talk from the other side of the room. He wished he could listen
in, wondered what they were saying. He frowned when he saw them all laughing,
Negan really could get on with anyone. He nervously bit at his nail. He stood
up straight when he saw his parents stand and shake hands with Negan. They were
still laughing, Dad clapped the other man on the back and they separated. His
parents walking back over to him.  
“Just one more teacher then we're all done.” His Mom said as they arrived at
his side.
“That Coach is fantastic, did you know he used to play baseball?”
“Yeah Dad he's mentioned it before. He is my teacher.” Carl replied, God his
Dad seemed more into him than Carl was.
“Well, we’ll all be getting to know him a little better at Thanksgiving.”
“Wait what?” He asked. What the hell did his Dad mean by that?
“He's coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh look your math teacher’s free.
We'll be back in a bit.” His parents dashed off to the desk with his teacher,
leaving him stunned in the corner.
“Why did you invite him for thanksgiving?” Carl questioned as soon as they were
in the car. He couldn't believe them, as if he didn't have enough trouble at
school without adding this to it. If word got out that a teacher was having
dinner at his house he'd never hear the end of it.
“Because he’s new to town Carl, he doesn’t have anyone to spend Thanksgiving.
It’ll be nice to have someone new at the table.” His Mom replied, glancing at
him through the rearview mirror.
“Yeah, he seems like a great guy Carl I’m surprised you’ve never mentioned him
before he spoke very highly of you.” Rick added.
Carl’s ears pricked up at the words. “Really? What did he say?”
“That you’re a great runner, could be the best in the school if you weren’t too
busy studying to join the track team.”
Carl flushed at the compliment.
“I’m proud of you Son. A lot of the teachers said about how you’ve improved
this year.”
Somehow his words didn’t quite have the same effect on him as the things Negan
said. Still he smiled at his father and pretended that he was happy to hear his
other teachers were happy with his work. All the while he was thinking of
Negan, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have him over for Thanksgiving, at least
it gave him an opportunity to see him outside of school.
**********
He threw another shirt on the floor. Jesus, why didn't he own anything that
didn't make him look like a total ass? Why on earth did he think for a second
that this could be a good idea? Negan would be arriving for dinner in less than
an hour and he still had no idea what to wear. Their usual discussions always
occurred around school so he never had to worry about what he was wearing but
now he was coming to his home, for dinner, he had to look semi-decent. Letting
out a sigh he eventually chucked on a navy shirt and some black pants. Negan
had seen him sweaty and covered in his own snot and tears, he probably wouldn’t
give a shit if he’d worn his pjs. He froze as the doorbell rang, was that him?
He almost raced downstairs, reaching the door just as his Mom opened it to
reveal Negan standing there, bottle of wine in one hand, flowers in the other.
He couldn’t help but smile, who knew that he was a secret gentleman? Their eyes
caught over Lori’s shoulder, both grinning at each other.
“C’mon in Negan, make yourself at home.” His Mom said as she stepped aside,
welcoming him into their home.
“Thank you so much Mrs. Grimes, these are for you.” He handed over the gifts
he’d brought much to his Mother’s delight.
“Ooh you didn’t have to! Please call me Lori, Mrs. Grimes makes me feel old.”
“Will do. Hey Carl.” He finally greeted the teen who was still stood on the
stairs.
“Hey Coach.” He tried to act casual, like this wasn’t the highlight of his
crappy day.
“Carl why don’t you take our guest into the living room?” His Mom told him.
“We’re still waiting on Rick and Shane to get back from work, they shouldn’t be
too long then we can all eat.” She continued before walking back into the
kitchen.
“So... uh… who the hell is Shane?” Negan asked Carl when it was just the two of
them. Carl began leading him into the living room, directing him to the couch
when they arrived.
“He’s my Dad’s old partner, before he was made Sheriff. They’ve been friends
for years, he always comes over for dinner. He’s the guy that did the drink
driving talk.”
“Riiight the one with the stupid jacket and the swag of someone trying to
recreate his youth?”
Carl nearly choked on the laugh that spurted out his throat. “Yep that’s him.
Did you want a drink?” Carl asked him heading over the small bar they kept on a
table in the room. “There’s some kind of alcohol here.” He really had no clue
what was in each bottle, all he knew was that they all smelt disgusting.
Negan laughed at him and stood to join him at the bar. “Don’t worry I’ll deal
with the drink.” He poured himself a large glass of whiskey, he was gonna need
it if that Shane ended up being like he thought he would be.
He and Carl started a conversation about the drinks on the table, Negan trying
to educate him on the beauty of a good whiskey when the door opened. They both
looked over as his Mom raced in to greet the two men.
Carl hid himself near the fringes of the room as the men introduced themselves,
he tried to look busy as he watched Shane and Negan shake hands. He wondered
what the two would make of each other, he hoped they wouldn't get along, he
didn’t want to lose Negan to Shane just like he’d lost his Dad.
His thoughts were interrupted by his Mom speaking over his shoulder.
“Do you mind setting the table sweetie? Dinner’s nearly done and it’ll give the
guys a chance to get to know each other.”
“Sure Mom.” He was reluctant to leave Negan alone with the two of them but at
least he’d escape the almost constant glare from Shane. He heard the jovial
laugh of conversation in the next room as he laid the knives and forks down. It
was mostly Shane yammering on about his day, usual shit from the man Carl
thought. Everytime he heard his arrogant laugh echo through the house his hand
would tighten around the knives still in his grip, wondering what it would be
like to shove them into his face. He shook the thoughts from him and focused on
his task.
Not long after he’d finished they were all sat around the table. His Mom had
cooked an amazing dinner, not much was said as they all ate. The occasional
comment from his Dad about how lovely the dinner was, was the only noise in the
room. Carl, couldn’t help but notice that Shane seemed to be drinking more than
usual, he seemed to be constantly filling up his glass. Even his Dad seemed
concerned when the man stood to grab another bottle of wine from the kitchen.
“So Negan, you coach the football team?” Shane asked when dinner was over, they
were all sat at the table waiting for the dessert to finish cooking.
“Yep, well I try to, they're not particularly great at taking orders.” Negan
replied, taking a sip from his glass. Carl noted that he was still on his first
one.
“Huh, can’t say I’ve seen them do any better recently. Maybe you’re not
coaching them hard enough.”
Carl was confused, since when did Shane care so much about high school
football?
“It’s not so much about bein’ hard on ‘em you’ve gotta get them to trust you to
make the right call at the right time. It takes a bit more effort than just
yellin’ at them.” Negan explained, just who the fuck was this guy tryna teach
him about being a coach?
“Still you’d think they’d have won a game by now.” Shane wasn’t stopping even
with Lori shooting daggers at him.
“You know Negan used to teach college football in Seattle? One of the best
teams in the country.” His Dad intervene, Carl actually felt a wave of
gratitude for him.
“Is tha’ right? Why’d you leave then? Couldn’t hack it?” Shane said, clearly
unimpressed.
“No, just fancied a change of scenery, cities tend to get boring after a
while.”
Carl was impressed to see that Negan wasn’t rattled by any of his comments.
Shane opened his mouth to speak again but was thankfully interrupted by his
Mom. “Honey, will you help me fetch dessert?” Lori asked Rick as she rose from
her chair.
She and Rick picked up the plates from the table, Carl saw his Dad whisper to
Shane to “Stop drinking so damn much.” Shane merely replenished his glass as a
response causing his Dad to sigh and walk off. Typical responses from both of
them Carl thought. He played with his glass as whist he waited for his parents
to return, the room was filled with an awkward silence. Anger simmering between
the two men sat opposite each other. Shane took another sip of his drink,
staring Negan down.
“You teach my Carl much?” Shane asked. Carl felt disgust roll through him at
the possessive tone.
“A bit. I’ve taken over his gym class whilst they look for a replacement.”
“Sorry you have to deal with that. Carl’s not the best sportsman, he’s more one
for laying around in bed.” Shane snarked.
“Carl's one of the best runners we have. It's a shame I can't convince him to
join the team.” Negan protested. He was gettin really fucking tired of this
man.
“Oooh yeah Carl I bet you'd look damn good in those lil runnin’ shorts.” Shane
leered at Carl.
Carl could see Negan getting angry, saw his hand curl into a fist the more
Shane spoke. Acting out of instinct he placed a hand on Negan's knee, hand
squeezing gently, trying to calm him down. It wouldn’t end well if Negan did
anything to hurt Shane, as much as Carl wanted to see him lay the man out. He
was actually grateful to see his parents return to the room, he removed his
hand as he saw the tension leave Negan's shoulders.
Dessert finished without any more comments from Shane, instead Carl had to deal
with the man dragging his foot up his leg, trying to get any contact with him.
Negan and his parents held a polite conversation, trying to steer it away from
any topic that Shane could contribute to. When they had all finished eating
Carl practically jumped at the chance to take the dishes out. Negan offered to
help but his Mom told him to relax as he was their guest.
Shane intercepted him on his way back from the kitchen, dragging him into the
bathroom. He pushed him up against the closed door by the scruff of his collar.
He leaned in close as he spoke, the smell of wine filling Carl’s nostrils.
“You fuckin’ him too Carl?” Shane asked.
“What? No! He's just my gym teacher.” He protested, he wanted to push him away,
put some distance between himself and that foul breath. The man gripped him
harder, a hand coming up to press against his shoulder, pinning him into the
wall.
“I see the way he looks at you Carl. You know I don't like anybody touching
what's mine Carl.”
“I know. I know.” Carl was trying to soothe him, he had to get away before
anyone came looking. “I promise Shane, I’m all yours. He’s just my coach, he
means nothing.” He nearly threw up as the words left his mouth.
Shane rested his head against his, breathing Carl in deep. Carl could see him
relax slightly, his drunken frame resting more heavily against his. He squirmed
in response, trying to wriggle away.
“We have to go Shane or they’ll all be wondering where we are.” Carl suggested.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Shane looked him in the eye “You’re always so right
Carl.”
Shane trailed his fingers along his cheek, one finger deviating along his lip.
“Give us a kiss baby.”
Stomach churning he turned his face up to leave a peck against his lips, his
attempt to leave after that was thwarted by a hand gripping his face. Shane
deepened the kiss, swiping his tongue into his mouth, moaning against him. Carl
just froze, let him do what he wants then you can go. His nails dug into his
own palm, the pain distracting him from the probing tongue in his mouth.
Finally, Shane released his mouth, panting against him as he tried to control
himself. Carl took the opportunity to slip away from him. He opened the door,
stepped out into the hallway and straight into a hard chest that was becoming
all too familiar to him.
“Hey, where did you get to your mom’s been aski…” Negan trailed off as his eyes
caught sight of Shane leaving the bathroom behind him. He looked between the
two, brow frowning as confusion spread across his face. He opened his mouth to
speak again but was interrupted by Carl.
“Just went to the bathroom to grab some cleaning stuff, I... uh... dropped some
stuff in the kitchen. Gotta clear it up. Shane was just helping me look”
“Riiiight. So, where are they?” Negan asked, looking them both over again.
“Couldn’t find any could we Carl?” Shane nudged at his back, coming to stand
next to him. “Lori must’ve moved ‘em somewhere.”
“Sure.” Negan said. He was still looking at them weirdly.
“I better get back to the kitchen.” Carl spoke, darting away, leaving the two
men to glare at each other in the hallway. Leaning shaky arms against the sink
he took several deep breaths. He could feel his lies unfurling in front of
Negan, the man clearly suspected something. How much longer could Carl put him
off before he put it all together?
“Carl?”
He jumped and whirled around to face Negan.
“You alright?” He asked stepping closer to him.
“Yep. Totally fine, just tidying up.”
Coming to stand before him Negan looked him over. “Why're you shaking? You
cold?” Negan placed a hand on his arm.
Carl pulled it back and stepped away. “I'm good… it's just weird ya know?”
“Having me here?”
“Just having you around my parents. It's… I don't know. It's like you're my
escape from this place so it's weird having you in it.”
Negan nodded. “I'm sorry. If I've made you uncomfortable by being here.”
“NO!” Carl spoke, not intending to shout as he did. “It's been better. Having
you here. I'm just… I’m sorry... about Shane. He can get weird when he drinks.”
Negan scoffed and moved to lean against the counter as Carl cleaned around him.
“Weird isn't what the word I’d use.” He looked over at Carl, watching him
closely as he spoke again. “He seems to be pretty harsh on you Carl. What's up
with that?”
Carl paused what he was doing. So, he had noticed something was different.
“It's just how he is. He wants what's best for me.” He spoke carefully.
“Huh. Alright.” Negan left the topic alone. Now wasn't the time. “Anyways I'm
gonna head off. I feel like I've had about as much of that asshole as I can
take.”
“You don't like him?” Carl was surprised. Everyone liked Shane.
“No I think he's a fuckin’ entitled ass who deserves nothing less of a punch in
the goddamn face. Shouldn't be gettin drunk at the table it's just fuckin’
rude.” Negan ran a hand through his hair clearly getting more worked up the
more he thought of him. “He should just be lucky that I don't have my bat here
with me or he'd be fuckin regretting the shit he was sayin’ about you.”
Carl couldn't help but wish he did have the bat with him, that was something he
wanted to see. He felt a flush of appreciation for the man spread through him.
“OK well I'll see you at school on Monday.”
“That you will.” Negan rubbed his hand along Carl's arm, his flesh pimpled at
the touch “take care Carl.”
“You too” He gave a small smile as Negan left the room. He heard he farewells
from the other room as he started washing the dishes.
By the time he finished the dishes and returned to the lounge his parents had
gone up to bed and Shane, thankfully, had passed out on the couch. He headed
upstairs to his room, he could squeeze in a few hours of studying before he
needed to crash. At least the evening hadn’t gone too badly he thought to
himself, he still couldn’t believe that Negan had seen through Shane. Maybe he
could trust him…
 
Chapter End Notes
     Slightly happier chapter there for you all! Finally seeing some more
     trust between Carl and Negan. I do promise that he will eventually
     tell Negan everything I just don't want to rush it. In my experience
     it can take survivors years to talk about their abuse so I didnt want
     him to just blurt it out without establishing a real connection
     between the two.
     Hope you all enjoyed the mini-showdown with Negan and Shane! Thank
     you again for all the lovely comments and thank you to every person
     reading this you all mean the world to me <3
***** The Gingerbread House *****
Chapter Summary
     The holidays take over as the boys get closer.
Chapter Notes
     Ummmm... has it really been a week since I last updated? Sorry guys!
     I had the chapter all written out a couple of weeks ago, then I got
     hit with a bit of writers indecision and then I had no wifi.
     Annnyways, the drama is over! I'm back and with a nice long chapter
     that will hopefully make you all feel nice and gooey! This chapter
     was orginally dark and nasty but I fancied a fluffy week so enjoy it
     because I'm all ready to ramp up the angst in the next one, which has
     already been written so it'll be up a lot quicker than the last one.
     Big shoutout to thewalkingdead178 on tumblr for letting me bounce
     ideas off them! You're an absolute star lovely!
     As always thank you to everyone for reading and commenting <3 You all
     keep me going!
"The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the
                       eyes before it reaches the lips."
                                  - Unknown
===============================================================================
                                        
                                        
                                 December_2017
                                        
As always the time after Thanksgiving flew past and the next thing Carl knew
the decorations were going up for Christmas. He and Negan hadn't really had a
chance to talk after the dinner, both of them getting busy with the end of
semester. He had finals to prepare for and the school still hadn't been able to
find a replacement gym teacher so Negan was still running around trying to
balance his coaching with the lessons. They still talked but they preferred to
spend their time unwinding rather than dwelling on shit that neither of them
really wanted to think about.
On the final evening of school they found themselves back out on the field
watching the sunset again. This time Carl had bundled himself in the jackets
the school kept for players to keep themselves warm between games. Negan was in
his usual leather jacket, he hadn't been coaching that evening so he didn't
need to wear the polyester sports jacket that he hated so much. Carl sighed at
the view, it really was beautiful. Negan nudged at him, shoulders rubbing
against each other.
“What’s on your mind?” He asked.
“Nothing... just... enjoying the view.”
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this, but that doesn’t change my
question. There’s something bubblin’ around in that head of yours. You’ve been
acting weird since Thanksgiving.”
“There’s nothing going on, I’m just thinking about the holidays.”
“Riiight.”
Carl could feel something stirring in the air, he could sense that Negan was up
to something. He hadn’t failed to notice the serious look that came over his
face when they were together. There had been so many occasions recently where
Negan had started to say something but failed to continue. It was beyond
frustrating but Carl never pushed it, he had a feeling that he wouldn’t like
what he was going to hear. So they’d continued in their usual routine, both
stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the tension that was simmering between them.
“Is this part of the easy route?” Negan finally asked.
“What?” Carl was genuinely confused. 
“You not talking about things? Is it part of the easy route?” 
“What are you talking about? We talk about things.” 
“No we don’t. We talk around things, we talk about shit that doesn’t even
matter. We ignore the shit that’s right in front of us.” 
“What do youwant to talk about? I thought you enjoyed our conversations.” 
“I do Carl, I love every second I spend with you but I can’t help but notice
that we never talk about your life. You don’t talk about your parents unless I
drag it outta you, I didn’t even know you had a godfather until your Dad
mentioned it.” Carl’s heart skipped at the mention of Shane. “I mean you’re a
teenager and you’ve never once mentioned a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, most
teenagers are bragging about sex at your age and you’ve never even mentioned a
crush.” 
“So what? I don’t talk like normal teenagers, that a problem for you?” Carl was
getting frustrated, exactly what was he getting at?  
“Of course not, but God we’re friends Carl I’d like you to let me in every now
and again.” 
“And you think talking about my sex life is letting you in?” 
“No, but it’s something more personal than who you think is a shithead in
school. It’s something that people fucking talk about” 
“It’s just not easy for me to talk about my personal life.”
“You know Carl, there'll be a day when the easy route isn't so easy... don't
get a huffy with me, just hear me out.” Carl restrained the second sigh that
wanted to escape his mouth. “You are worth so much more than what you get and
one fuckin’ day you’re gonna realise that.”
“And what happens then?” Carl moved as he spoke, anger inciting his body to do
something. So he stood, pacing around in front of Negan. “What happens when
this big revelation happens? When I realise that the world is just goddamn
cruel? I mean what kind of world or God makes it so that good people have bad
things happen to them? You ever stop think that maybe I deserveit?”
Negan practically leapt off the bench to stand in front of him. Then anger was
palpable between them, both getting heated as the discussion continued.
“That’s fuckin’ bullshit and you damn well know it. Life isn’t as fucking
simple as to give bad things to bad people,  God knows I’ve done some awful
shit in my time and you know what? My life’s not been bad, in fact it’s been
fucking great. Karma is just bullshit that people tell themselves to feel
better when the world doesn’t go in their favor. It doesn’t mean jack-fuckin-
shit. Maybe for some crazy reason you think you deserve what’s happening to
you, that karma is getting it’s own back for some stupid shit that you’ve done,
but I think that’s crap. No one deserves to get cornered in lockers rooms by
dumb shits who don’t know basic fuckin maths, or idiotic parents who can’t be
fucked to do their jobs right. You deserve so much more than that.”
Carl sighed, fingers coming to rub at his eyes. “If I deserve more then why
don’t I get more? Why am I still stuck in this shit?”
“Because Carl, sometimes in this fucked up world you have to fight for it. When
it pushes you over you gotta get back up and fucking push it back. I’ve seen
you Carl, you act as if you’ve forgotten how to do that, like you’ve given up
on all this shit.”
“I’m just so tired. I fought for so long and all it got me was more bruises,
what’s the point in starting now? What’s so different?” He looked up at Negan
with pleading eyes. Negan wasn’t wrong, he’d given up months ago, long before
he’d met the man. The beating from Shane when he’d cut his hair, his final act
of rebellion, had finished him. It hurt too much to fight, it hurt to want to
fight. He’d suppressed his feelings for so long that he’d lost any urge to do
anything but wait for it all to stop.
“Now? Now you have me . I’m there for you every step of the fucking way Carl. I
can’t fight for you but I can damn well pick you up any time you need me to.”
Negan rested his hand on Carl’s neck, stroking his cheek as he finished. “You
could really kick some fucking ass if you’d just let yourself feel something.”
Carl couldn’t deny the surge of emotions that came with his words, if only
Negan knew how he made him feel. It wasn’t just affection, lust, or that other
feeling that he really didn’t want to think about. The man made him feel
everything. He’d inspired anger, frustration, and most of all hope. He’d made
Carl realise that he was still capable of having emotions, of feeling something
other than the despair that he’d drowned himself in. He stepped closer to him,
allowing his emotions to control him for a single second as he raised a hand to
cover Negan’s on his face, encouraging it to stay there as he tilted his head
up. Flicking nervous eyes up to Negan’s he started to close the remaining
distance, butterflies raging in his stomach as their lips neared each other.
“CARL!” A voice shouted from afar, he and Negan shot apart, their hearts
pounding as they both realised what they’d about to do and where they’d nearly
done it. Carl squinted as he tried to identify the figure that was creeping
closer to them, heart sinking when he recognised the brown uniform of the
police department and the dark hair that sent daggers into his chest.
“What the fuck is that fucker doing here?” Negan asked.
“No idea.” Carl replied, he knew that this wouldn’t be good whatever the reason
was. He remembered the tension between the two at Thanksgiving and he wasn’t
excited at the thought of a replay.
“What’s goin’ on guys?” Shane questioned as he finally reached the pair. “Bit
strange to be hanging out alone on the field?”
“Not hanging out, just havin’ a talk.” Negan said, he really was notin the mood
for this guy’s shit.
“About what?” Was the immediate response.
“Why do you need to know?”
“Because Carl’s my goddamn godson, I have a right to know if he’s bein’
harassed by the school Coach.”
Carl saw Negan take in a deep breath, gearing himself up for some kinda fight,
he panicked. He couldn’t have the two of them fighting in the middle of the
school, he knew what Shane was capable of, he could have Negan locked up for
something like that.
“He’s not harassing me. He was just asking if I wanted to join the track team
for the new season. No big deal.” Carl spoke, hoping to calm the situation.
“Tha’ right?” Shane was still eyeing Negan with anger and disgust.
“Yeah, I need the best and Carl is that.”
“You don’t have to fuckin’ tell me that.” Shane said. “I hope you respect him
when he says no. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve pestered him about
it.”
 Carl nearly laughed at his words, the twisted irony just tickled him.
“Of course I do. I was just making sure he hadn’t changed his mind. What are
you doin’ here anyways? Not really the place for the police” Negan said.
Another glare from Shane. “I was pickin’ up my Godson, we’re going out for a
family dinner.”
“Dinner?” Carl asked, he didn’t remember hearing anything about a family
dinner. Then again it wasn’t unlike his parents to not tell him things.
“Yeah, your parents want to celebrate your Mom’s promotion at work.” Shane
replied, not bothering to shift his gaze from Negan.
“Right, I...uh...still have some things to do here at school, I could meet you
all at the restaurant.” He really didn’t want to spend anymore time with Shane
than was necessary, especially if he was going to have to suffer through a
dinner with him.
“Carl, it’d be easier if you came with me. Don’t be fussy.” Shane glared at
him, reaching out to grab his arm and drag him along.
“If he doesn’t wanna fucking go with you then he doesn’t fucking have to.”
Negan stood in between them, hand coming up to push Shane back.
“What the fuckdoes it have to do with you?” Shane questioned, pushing back
against Negan’s hand.
“No! Don’t worry it’s fine, I’ll go.” Carl hastened to add. “The restaurant is
ages away I’ll need a ride there or I’ll be all night.”
At this point he needed Shane away from Negan more than he needed to be away
from the man. He walked over to Shane as he waved to Negan. “Have a good
Christmas Coach. I’ll see ya in the New Year.” He felt himself shrink at the
sad look on his face.
“Sure Carl, take care.” Negan replied, watching the two walk away.
Carl winced at the possessive arm that Shane slung over his shoulder as they
walked back to the car. He knew he’d only done it to piss off Negan, to make a
show about who he belonged to. He wondered how much Shane had seen before he’d
interrupted him and Negan, had he noticed them getting closer? Did he believe
that they’d only been talking about track? The questions filled his mind as
they neared the car.
“Get in.” Shane spoke abruptly.
Carl did as told. He couldn’t go back on his word now, so he sat next to Shane
in the passenger seat. Waiting for them to get going. The car vibrated as the
engine was turned on, the movements of the car lulling the nerves that lurked
in his stomach as the school faded into the distance. Night was falling outside
of the windows, it wouldn’t be long before the air grew colder and frost would
settle on the ground. He was interrupted by a hand hitting his thigh, gripping
hard into the jean covered flesh. He looked over at Shane who was focused on
the road.
“Think we’ve got some time before we gotta get to dinner. Doesn’t matter if
we’re a bit late, you’re parents won’t even notice you’re not there.”
His words were like a dagger in his chest, he knew the man wasn’t wrong, they
really wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t there. He didn’t like hearing it though,
didn’t like knowing that other people noticed the lack of attention his parents
paid to him. The dagger twisted as the hand crept further up his leg, curling
around his inner thigh.
Shane pulled the car off the side of the road and onto the grass bank. He
switched off the engine and the lights, leaving them under the blanket of
darkness. Carl tried not to look as Shane turned to face him.
“One day Carl, you’ll realise I’m the only one who notices you, the only one
who loves you. Without me you’re nothing, a nobody. I hope you know that. That
Negan might go on and on about wanting you on his team, but he only wants one
thing from you and that’s not you on his team.” Shane lifted his hand to brush
along his cheek, a sick reenactment of Negan’s actions. “He just wants to fuck
you baby, use you like a whore then leave to rot. He doesn’t give two shits
about you. Men like him will say anything to get between your legs and you need
to remember that. They don’t love you like I do”
Carl didn’t want to listen, didn’t want the words to sink in, he wanted to
remove himself from the moment, wanted to not exist. He kept his eyes focused
on the dashboard of the car, trying to forget the words that were embedding in
his head. He didn’t want to think that way about Negan, Shane was lying. Was
he? A dark voice echoed in his head.
“Get in the back.” Shane started unbuckling his belt as he spoke, interrupting
Carl’s thoughts. “Take your fucking pants off too, we gotta be quick baby, and
I think you need a reminder about just how fucking good to you I am. I’ll make
you forget all about that bastard.”
**********
He forced himself to smile through dinner, shifting uncomfortably on the hard
seat. He felt disgusting, he could still feel the cold slobber left by Shane’s
mouth as he took in him the backseat. He couldn’t wait to get home and burn the
marks away in the shower. He resented his Mother’s happiness, he resented her
success in the face of his constant failure. Carl tried to pay attention to the
conversation but quickly lost interest, they never wanted to talk to him, just
around him. So he let himself slip away into the recess of his mind.
He thought back to his conversation with Negan, back to that moment before
they’d been interrupted. Were they really going to kiss? He’d wanted to do it,
wanted to feel his lips against his after so many weeks of thinking about it.
How would Negan even feel about it? He tried to think about Negan’s actions.
Was he leaning in to meet him in the middle? Did he want it just as much as he
did? So many unanswered questions hung in the air and he wouldn’t get any
answers until the holidays were over.
Unless..
His mind thought back to the piece of paper he kept in his pocket. He could
call him, they could meet up and they could talk. Maybe he was right about
needing to be more open with him, God knows he deserved it, he’d answered all
of his questions about his past life. Even the darker ones about his wife and
their divorce. Still Shane’s words echoed in his mind, it seemed inconceivable
that Negan would only want him for sex, but he couldn’t help but wonder. Is
that why he wanted Carl to talk about his relationships? Was that a lead in? He
tried to shake himself, he wasn't like that. He wasn’t exactly wrong in what
he’d said, people did talk about that kind of thing. Back when he and Ron were
friends they’d talked non-stop about people they’d fancied, people they thought
about screwing. Even after everything happened with Shane it wasn’t like he’d
forgotten about sex, he still dreamt about it, the urges still lingered in the
back of his mind. They’d become more and more frequent after he’d gotten to
know Negan, the fantasies shifting from a random blurred face to take on the
rugged, muscled body of the Coach. His stomach lurched and twinged in a good
way every time he caught sight of a new piece of flesh exposed by the man as he
moved. The first time he caught him in just a tight shirt sent his heart rate
rocketing, and his mouth dried up at the sight of the tattoos on his muscled
arms.
Probably a good reason to not talk to him about sex, or people that he fancied.
“Carl?” His Mom interrupted his thoughts. “What do you think about getting rid
of the old couch?”
“Oh...uh...well…” He let himself get dragged into the pointless conversation
and away from the thoughts still floating in his head.
**********
“Hey Carl.” His Dad poked his head around his bedroom door as he spoke. “Can I
come in?”
Carl nodded, removing the headphones from his ears as he sat up to make room
for his Dad to join him, the mattress squeaked under his weight.
“God, we really need to get you a new one of these.” Rick said as he tested the
springs out around him.
“Uh Dad?” His eyes shot towards him. “What did you want?” It wasn't everyday
that his Dad came into his room. Even more uncommon for him to sit and talk
with him these days. 
Rick shifted to face him. “We gotta talk Carl.”
“About what?” He asked nervously.
“New Years.” Rick let out a sigh, rubbing his head. “Your Mom and I have
decided to go away again.”
“What?!” Carl couldn’t believe it. After all the shit that they’d spewed about
feeling bad that they weren't around because of work and now they were choosing
to leave him. Maybe Negan had a damn point, maybe they were shitty parents.
Carl couldn't remember the last time that  his parents had actually been there
for him.
“We just thought it'd be nice to get away for awhile. Get away from the stress
of work for a bit.”
“Stress of being parents you mean.” He snarled at him. Carl moved away from the
bed. He didn't want to look at the man anymore. He was so fucking sickof their
shit. He was sick of their lies and what felt like a constant need to be away
from him.
“Carl you know that's not what we mean.” Rick spoke.
“Do I? Because that's what it damn well feels like.”
“We just thought it'd be nice for you to have some time with Shane. He thought-
”
“Shane? Of course Shane had something to say about this.” He scoffed at him,
running his hands through his hair in frustration.
“And what is thatsupposed to mean?”
“It means that you guys can't seem to make any kind of decision without
consulting fucking Shane.”
“Language Carl!” He Dad shouted at him, not that Carl cared he was too caught
up in his own stream of anger.
“So lemme guess I'll be staying with Shane whilst you guys are off having fun?”
He questioned
“Of course. We thoughtyou'd be happy about that. He's your Godfather, you guys
always have a good time together.”
“Is that what hetells you?”
“Yeah and it's what you always told us.” His Dad sighed at him. “Is this some
weird teenager drama Carl? Because I damn well don't have time for it.”
No, you never do Carl thought to himself. 
“You know what? Never fucking mind.” Carl said as he stormed out of the
bedroom. He ran down the stairs and blew past his Mom who had so obviously been
listening in on the conversation. Coward, he thought, couldn't even be brave
enough to come in and tell me herself. He grabbed his jacket and threw the door
open, stepping out into the crisp air.
He rushed down the sidewalk, he didn't have a direction he just needed to get
as far away from that place as possible. Not even two days into the holidays
and he already wished he was back at school. No. Not at school his minded
corrected for him, he wished he was back with Negan. Back on that bench
watching the sunset fall over the field. He closed his eyes and stood for a
moment, losing himself in the memory, it almost helped quell the anger in him.
Almost.
It surged within him again the more he thought about his parents.
Once again he was being abandoned, left to fend for himself in the hands of a
monster.
He turned another corner, walking along the quiet street, he wondered what he
could do now. It wasn’t late, only 4 in the afternoon, he could go anywhere but
he could only think of one place he wanted to be. Reaching, into his pocket, he
grabbed his wallet and opened up the part he knew the paper would be in. The
one that Negan had given him with his number.
His fingers twirled the piece of paper around in his hand, he kept it with him
wherever he went these days. It was never far from his hand. He'd promised
himself that he'd never use it but he had nowhere else to go. Nowhere else he'd
rather be might be more accurate. He did question whether he was being slightly
desperate. It had only been a couple of days since they'd last seen each other
but he couldn't deny that every single second they spent apart felt like an
eternity. He had such a longing to be around him, not even talk, just to sit
with him brought him so much joy.
Totally pathetic.
He thought about the last time they’d spoken. Would Negan bring it back up? He
was usually pretty good at leaving the past where it was,
Still he soon found himself listening to ringing as he waited for Negan to pick
up. Shit, what was he even going to say?
“Hello?” The familiar voice filled his ear.
“Hey! It's uh Carl.”
“Carl! You alright?” He sounded concerned.
“Yeah...I mean… no. I'm OK I just… I had a fight with my Dad and now I'm too
pissed to do anything but walk around like an angry teenager. Did you wanna
join me?” He joked.
“You couldn't pay me enough to be a teenager again.” Negan laughed, the noise
filling him with warmth again. “You wanna hang with me for the day? Or will you
be busy destroying the fuckin’ town in your teenage rage?”
“I think I could find some time for you between my rampages.”
“Alright. Where are you? I'll come pick you up as soon as I can get my ass
outta bed.”
“You're still in bed?” Carl asked, it was well into the afternoon, how lazy was
this guy? “I thought I was supposed to be the lazy teenager?”
“Well I have to make up for your failure to be lazy. I had a late night last
night, celebrating the end of semester and all that.”
Jealousy pinged in him at the thought of how he might have been celebrating and
who with.
“You gonna give me an address or am I gonna have to drive through town to find
you?”
Carl gave him the address of a park that wasn't too far from where he was. He
could definitely walk the distance in the time it took for Negan to get there.
He got lost in his thoughts as he walked, he really shouldn’t have run off like
that. He should have stood his ground more, maybe if he had he might have made
them realise how much he needed them around. It wasn’t that he truly needed
them but he might have avoided being shipped off to Shane’s for New Years. His
fist clenched as the more he thought about it. Ever since Negan had mentioned
beating the shit out of Shane at Thanksgiving it was all he thought about when
he was forced to be around the man. It was like Negan had unlocked a passion
inside of him that he had long forgotten about, in more ways than one
considering all the thoughts he had about kissing the man recently.
A loud rumble pulled him out of his thoughts, he quickly stood as it roared
closer to him. He couldn't quite believe his eyes.
“Wow.”
“I know.” Negan let a cocky grin spread over his face as he leaned back in his
seat, his helmet now cradled in his hands. He’d left his car at home and was
currently straddling the gorgeous bike that Carl had seen outside the cabin.
His eyes widened as Negan offered him a helmet.
“Wanna ride?” He asked
“On THAT?” He’d never been on a bike before, he always felt like the type that
would fall off and die within five minutes of hopping on.
“No on my dick.” Negan said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Of course the
bike.”
Carl blushed at the words, his brain unhelpfully providing him images of what
the former would look like. Blushing further as he imagined what that would
look like on the very bike he was straddling.
“Sure.” He eventually squeaked out. Jesus Carl get a grip of yourself. He
shoved the helmet over his head, leaving the visor open. “What...uh… do I do?”
 Negan shifted forward on the bike. "Hop on the back, put your arms around my
waist, and hold on tight.”
It sounded simple enough, until he was actually pressed up against his back,
hands wrapped tight around him. Sure they’d hugged a few times but it had
always been in the heat of the moment and he was usually too wrapped up in his
own emotions to really think about what they were doing. Now it was a
completely different story, he could feel every single inch of where he was
pushed up against Negan. He could just about feel the sinewy muscles underneath
the cool material of his leather jacket, The firmness of his back seemed to fit
perfectly between his thighs, he prayed for a moment that his previous thoughts
wouldn’t come back to embarrass him. He was sure that Negan could feel as much
of him as he could and he wouldn’t fail to notice if a certain part of his body
perked up during the ride. His thoughts quickly disappeared as the man revved
the engine, fear shot through him as he was reminded of the impending journey.
“Hope you’re ready.” Negan shouted over his shoulder as they shot off, dust
billowing around them.
**********
“That. Was. Incredible.” Carl panted out as he stepped off the bike. Adrenaline
flooded his body. It really was an incredible ride he could see why people
loved these things so much. It was so freeing feeling the breeze float across
his body as the sled through the streets. His heart pounded as with each turn,
he felt himself come alive with every thrilling thud against his chest.
“Always is.” Negan replied, stroking along the handlebars. Negan really did
have a strange affection for inanimate objects.
“Do you guys need a minute alone?”
“Ha-fucking-ha.” Negan got off the bike, grabbing his keys from the engine.
“C’mon I got something to show you.”
Instead of heading into the house, Negan walked him over to a smaller building
behind the cabin, Carl hadn't noticed it the last couple of times he'd been
here. He followed Negan through the door, not quite believing the sight in
front of him. The man had a fully blown gym in the room, machines surrounded
the large mat in the centre of the room, he even had a punching bag hooked onto
the ceiling.
“So this is what you do with your free time?” He asked, brushing his hand along
one of the scary looking weight machines. He wouldn’t even know where to start.
“You don't stay this good lookin’ by standing around all day.”
“Huh. Here I thought you got you looks from screaming at children all day”
“You are just full of funny today.” Negan meandered over to him. “What's
brought this on?”
Carl sighed, continuing his exploration of the room. “I'm just getting a little
sick of how things are at the moment. Figured it was about time I took your
advice and stopped taking the easy route, stop hiding myself away.”
“It took you far too fucking long to realise that.” Negan brushed his cheek, he
had a strange look on his face Carl couldn't quite place it. “I'm glad you did
though. You deserve so much better than the shit that you get.”
“Well maybe I'm finally starting to believe that.” Carl replied, reaching a
hand up to cover Negan's which still rested against his cheek. His flesh
tingled at the contact, the warmth spreading through his entire body. He looked
him in the eye, breath catching at the intensity of his gaze, the kindness that
seeped out of them. It brought back that urge, the urge to close the distance
between them and seal their lips together.
Instead he let out a nervous chuckle and took a step back, now wasn't the time
to make a stupid mistake. Clearing his throat he stared around the room again,
eyes landing in the punching bag.
“So... you box?” He walked over to it, slapping a hand down on it.
“Eh, I mostly punch the shit outta it until I feel better.” Negan joined him by
the bag, raising his eyebrows at Carl. “Fancy giving it a go?”
“You want me to try boxing?” He asked.
“I know it's not quite destroying a town but it'll be damn good for you to blow
off some fucking steam.” Negan walked over to a cabinet at the side, he pulled
out some wrappings, Carl recognised it as the things boxers put over their
hands to protect themselves.
“You gonna show me how it’s done?”
Negan laughed as he walked back over to him, beginning to wrap his own wrists
up.
“Sure, can’t have you breaking anything.” 
Carl’s eyes widened as the man stripped his shirt off, eyes taking in every
inch of flesh revealed to him. They flittered from the tattoos littered over
his torso, the hair on his chest, the scar that resided above his hipbone, he
briefly wondered where he got that from.
“You done perving?”
Carl snapped his eyes back up to his face, blushing at his words. “I’m not
perving.” He said defensively. “Just waiting for you to show me something
good.”
“Thought I already had.” The man replied with a wink.
“Eh I’ve seen better.” Carl tried to deflect the conversation. “Anyways, I
thought we’re supposed to be boxing?”
“Sure, sure. It’s pretty simple, just hit the bag, try not to knock it too much
or it’ll come back and smack you in the face.”
“Personal experience?”
“Shut up.” Negan replied before hitting out at the bag. “Just watch.”
Carl did watch, watched as droplets of sweat slid down his muscled arms as he
hit out again and His tongue slipping out to wet his suddenly dry lips, he now
understood why people went to the gym if they got to see sights like this. He
couldn’t look away, he was almost sad when Negan stopped. He moved to stand in
front of him, gesturing for Carl to give him his hands. Carl did as told, still
watching a droplet of sweat trickle down his chest. He gave a slight wince as
the tape was wrapped tight around his hand.
“Sorry, it’s gotta be tight or it won’t work.”
“It’s fine I can take it.” He said as his other arm was wrapped up.
Once he was done, he shifted so he was stood next to the bag.
“Go crazy Carl. Get all that anger out.” Negan said, standing on the other side
to brace the bag.
Carl punched out with all his strength, fists making a loud thudding noise as
it hit the bag. Instead of the pain he was expecting at the impact he felt a
rush of pleasure soar through him. It felt like every hit was chipping at the
rage inside of him, searing flickers of light into the darkness. He did as
Negan said, he went crazy at the bag, punching as much as he could until his
arms screamed at him to stop.
He panted as he came to rest on the floor, all his energy zapped out of him. He
felt Negan sit beside him, felt an icy coldness hit his sweaty arm.
“Drink up.” Negan said, gesturing with the water bottle.
Carl gratefully accepted it. He chugged it down between pants, slowly
recapturing his breath. Putting the bottle down on the floor he collapsed back
and enjoyed the endorphins that soared through him. He couldn’t remember the
last time he felt this relaxed.
“Wanna grab some food?” Negan asked, poking him in the shoulder.
“Sure. Whenever my body decides it can move again.”
“We’ll be here awhile then with your weak ass.”
Carl just laughed and gave him a small kick. “Shut up and let me enjoy my
moment.”
“Sure boss.”
**********
“You’re not doing Christmas?”
“Nope. not this year.”
“That’s a crime.”
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is, my Dad’s a cop I would know.”
Negan just laughed at him as he grabbed another slice of pizza, Carl had
insisted that they get take out, he had a feeling that spaghetti was about the
only thing Negan could actually cook. They’d moved into the living room when
the pizza had arrived, Carl sitting on the couch, Negan on the floor next to
the low coffee table so he had easy access to the food. He’d eaten about half
of it in the time it had taken Carl to eat one slice. Somehow they’d ended up
on the topic of Christmas and Carl had been shocked to find out that Negan
would be spending it alone in the cabin.
“It’s just me here Carl, there’s no point in decorating and doing the whole
dinner thing.”
“What about your family?” Carl asked.
“They’re up in Seattle, we’re not that close to be honest, they always
preferred Lucille and after we got divorced they never quite forgave me for
it.”
“That’s shitty.”
“Yeah, but I suppose you know all about shitty parents.”
“Yeah.” They sat in silence for a moment, both thinking about their shared
disappointment with the parents they’d been given.
“So what did they do this time?” Negan said.
“Huh?”
“To piss you off?” Negan clarified.
“Oh, they’re going away for New Years again this year. I wouldn’t mind but this
was after their shitty chat about wanting to spend more time with me. I mean
they say that then two weeks later they’re planning a new trip somewhere
without me.”
“Fuck, that’s fucking shitty.”
“Yeah.” was all Carl could say as he played with the glass in his hand.
“So you’re spending it on your own?”
Carl choked out a laugh, if only. “No-uh-I'm spending it with Shane, around his
place.”
“Jesus-fucking-Christ, I can see why you stormed off. I'd do the same if I had
to spend any time with that piece of shit.”
“Yeah, can't say I'm looking forward to it.”
“Don't like spending time with him?”
“No. It's um…. it's just hard work.” He replied tactfully.
“In what way?” Negan probed.
“He's just very particular in how he wants things done.” Carl shifted forward
to grab another slice of pizza. “Anyways, it's not important. What is important
is how we're gonna celebrate Christmas." 
“We? You'll be at home celebrating with your family and I'll be here
celebrating with my whiskey and my bat.”
 Carl rolled his eyes at him.
 No chance. I may be at home for Christmas Day but that doesn't mean we can't
celebrate before. You are getting a tree and we're gonna do the whole thing,
Christmas movies, turkey, passing out on the couch from eating chocolate. It'll
be fun.”
"Carl I don't-”
"Nope.” He interrupted. “You said I have to start fighting for what I want so
here we are. I want you to have a good Christmas.”
"I'm not gonna win this one am I?” Negan asked sighing in defeat.
"No chance.” Carl smirked at him.
“Fine.”
Carl whooped in joy, grabbing more pizza to celebrate. All he has to do was
plan what movies he was gonna make him watch.
**********
Negan dropped him off after dinner, Carl left him with strict instructions to
buy the best tree he could find and get everything ready for dinner the
following Friday. Carl was practically buzzing as he walked the short distance
back to his house. His mind turned back to his parents as he went up the stairs
on the porch. It was late, he hoped they were in bed, he didn't want to deal
with them. He'd had a good afternoon he didn't want to ruin his buzz by dealing
with their bullshit again.
The lights were off when he entered the house, a good sign he thought. He could
vaguely hear the TV in their room, but other than that the house was quiet.
Carl crept up the stairs and into his room, softly closing the door behind him.
He changed for bed, mentally preparing a list of all the things he needed to do
before Christmas. He definitely needed to figure out what movies to torment
Negan with, but more importantly he had to send off his damn college
applications. The deadlines were inching closer and he really wanted all that
shit done with before Christmas. Sighing as he finally flopped onto his bed he
tried not to let his mind think about New Years, about the inevitable hell that
he’d go through with Shane. He couldn’t stop it though, no matter how much he
tried to focus on the good that had come out of the day, but he couldn’t help
but get drawn into the darkness. His body filled with tension as he fell into a
restless sleep.
**********
“I don't think I'll ever get used to that thing.” Carl panted out as he hopped
off the back of the bike. Negan had picked him up that afternoon and driven
them back to his cabin. After a week of waiting for this day it had finally
arrived, he didn't know why he was so excited, they'd hung out more times than
he could count so it shouldn't be this exciting. Then again he loved Christmas
and the thought of spending it without Shane lurking in the background filled
him with joy. It was like being a kid again.
He practically jumped up the steps to the front door, bouncing on his feet as
he waited for Negan to join him.
“You're very peppy.” Negan observed as he unlocked he door.
“Just excited to be here. I love Christmas.”
“No shit? You're like a puppy on speed.”
Carl just grinned at him and walked into the room. He stopped as he took in the
surroundings. His mouth shifted into an ‘O’ at the stunning decorations in the
living room. Negan had turned the room into a pure Christmas haven, there were
tinsel and lights everywhere. The smell of gingerbread filled the room, warmth
from the already lit fireplace seeped into his skin. He couldn't believe it.
His eyes caught on the massive tree that sat near the front door. It was huge.
He'd never seen one that big, it must have taken more than Negan to set it up.
The lights twinkled up and down the green pines, making it shine in the room.
He couldn’t speak, he just stared in amazement, walking around to take it in
from every perspective.
“You like?” Negan asked, still standing by the door.
“I….I love… I don’t even know what to say. Who would’ve thought you’d be a
secret Christmas nerd?”
“I’m not, but you are so I thought I’d give it a go.” 
“You did this for me?” Carl was moved beyond words, he’d never had anyone do
anything like this for him before.
“Yeah, least I can do considering you’re gonna be helping me cook this damn
turkey.”
“You want me to help you cook?”
“Hell yes! Spaghetti is about the only thing I can’t burn, I married a chef so
I didn’t have to ever cook. “ Negan explained as he lead them into the kitchen.
They both stared at the naked bird that rested in the centre of the table.
“We can do this right? Two smart guys. How hard could it be?”
They soon found out that it was borderline impossible. Carl poked at the burnt
carcass, sticking the knife in to see if there was anything salvageable.
“How the hell did we burn it?” he asked Negan. They’d followed the
instructions, they’d even double checked them with other recipes yet the bird
was sat there as black as charcoal.
“Well I’m a shit fucking excuse for a cook. I don’t know what your excuse is, I
thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”
“Hey, I made the potatoes and they taste great!” Carl protested.
“You started eating them?”
“I was hungry and yourbird was taking forever.”
“You can’t hurry perfection.”
“Ooh yeah it looks so perfect.” Carl said sarcastically.
“Shut it. Looks like it’s potatoes and popcorn for dinner.” Negan sighed as he
chucked some potatoes onto the plates.
“Sounds perfect.”
“One more sarcastic comment from you and I’m gonna make you watch another
Hannibal movie.” Negan threatened.
“I promise I’ll be good.” Carl said, grabbing his plate and heading towards the
couch. “Maybe we shouldn't have gone boxing whilst the turkey was cooking?”
“Maybe, at least I wouldn't have hurt my hand.” Negan followed him in, sitting
down beside the younger man, plate in hand. “So what movie are you torturing me
with?”
“‘Muppet’s Christmas Carol’” Carl beamed at him. It was his absolute favorite.
He lifted his hand to grab the remote and press play.
“You’re kidding? We’re watching a movie with singing fucking puppets?” Negan
groaned at him.
“Of course! You can’t have Christmas without it.”
“I’m sure I fucking could.”
“Just shut up and eat your damn potatoes.” Carl snarked at him, settling down
to enjoy himself.
**********
“Well that was a big load of crap.”
Carl kicked him in the side, over the course of the movie he’d slowly sunk
further down into the couch until he was eventually laying down, feet coming to
rest on Negan’s lap.
“You just can’t appreciate decent films.”
“Nah that’s your problem sweet cheeks.” Negan pushed his legs off him and rose
from the couch. He grabbed their plates from the table and took them into the
kitchen. “There are some sheets and pillows in the closet if you wanna crash
here tonight. The couch is all yours.”
“You’re only saying that because you can’t be assed to take me home.” Carl
shouted back at him as he walked over to the cupboard. He dug around until he
found the sheets, grabbing a few pillows before he headed back.
“You know me so damn well.” Negan replied. “Get some sleep, maybe you’ll look
less shit in the morning.”
Carl flung his middle finger up at him as a reply. He made his bed as Negan
headed up the stairs into his room. He hadn’t bothered bringing any pjs, didn’t
think he’d be spending the night, so he stripped down to his boxers and
undershirt. Hopping under the sheets, he let himself fall asleep listening the
crackling of the fire.
He woke up in the middle of the night, some noise from outside startling him
from his sleep. He tossed on the couch, trying to recapture his sleep. It
didn’t work, he sighed as he looked up at the tall ceiling. His eyes caught
sight of the tree in the corner of the room, it called out to him with it’s
flashing lights.
Walking over to the large tree he laid himself down under the pines, looking up
into the twinkling lights. He loved doing this at home, ever since he was a kid
he'd lay there for hours watching the lights change and flash. It was better
than watching the stars.

“What the fuck are you doing?” A sleep-filled voice asked him from above.

Not bothering to draw his eyes away from the lights he replied.

“Watching the lights. It's nicer from down here. You ever try it?”

“Can't say I've ever felt the urge to lie underneath a Christmas tree.”

“C’mon then. Live a little.” Carl gestured with his hand for him to lie beside
him.

He shifted to accommodate his larger frame, their bodies settling against each
other as they looked up at the lights.
“How’s your hand?” Carl asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.
“Oh, fine. It’ll heal.”
Negan bent his elbow to raise his hand above them, Carl looked at the redness
that stood out on his knuckles. He brought his own up to compare, his was fine,
the wrapping having done it’s job protecting him against the heavy bag. Negan’s
hand looked so much bigger than his own from this angle. He said as much to
Negan who laughed in response and placed their hands together so Carl’s laid on
top of his.
“You’ve got a point there, small hands.”
“That my new nickname?” His fingers twitched on top of Negan’s.
“Hmmm, not sure if it’ll catch on. “
They both laughed, tiredness and the happy memories from the day making them
more relaxed. Their fingers gently toyed with each other as they compared size.
Not one of their most insightful conversations but Carl loved the physical
contact. His whole body vibrated at the proximity, the joy making him heady, he
felt almost drunk.
He watched as their fingers interlocked, watched as Negan's larger hand curled
around his. His stomach tingled with excitement and nerves, breath quickening
as his eyes met Negan's. He'd never get used to that look on his face, the one
that made his brain melt and mouth dry out. He slowly edged closer to him,
wanting to be nearer, the air between them intertwined flowing from one into
the other. It was making him dizzy, his senses were filled with Negan and it
was perfect. Lost in the moment he inched further bringing his lips to brush
against Negan's. It almost was enough to make his heart stop.

Tingles trickled from his lips to spread through his body at the first real
touch. He felt Negan shift himself to slot their lips more firmly together, he
could feel the stubble of his beard scratch at his chin as their mouths moved
against each other. A soft hand stroked along his cheek, the familiar gesture
almost made Carl purr against him. In that moment it was just the two of them
in that little spot, protected from the world by the grand twinkling tree. He
tried to memorize every second of the kiss, the slight hint of tongue that
teased out from between chapped lips, the warm breath that hit his cheek as
Negan breathed out, the woody smell of the man that drove him crazy.

Eventually the need for air became too much, he pulled away, puffs of air
hitting Carl's lips as they caught their breath. He pushed his forehead against
Negan's, nudging their noses together, opening his eyes to take in the other
man. He was relieved to see the man as affected by the kiss as he was, his eyes
were frantically searching his face, and he was panting equally hard. The hand
on his cheek moved down to curl around his neck, thumb stroking at his
hairline.

“Jesus… What are you doing to me Carl?” Negan breathed out.

Carl couldn't answer him, couldn’t possibly think enough to give him a decent
answer instead he curled his head down to rest softly on his shoulder, allowing
himself to be lulled to sleep by the hand still stroking his hair.
***** The Light *****
Chapter Summary
     Carl wasn’t sure if he could take it, he could feel something inside
     of him breaking, tendrils of chains that had him pinned down for some
     long were slowly snapping.
Chapter Notes
     And we're back! Another chapter for you all! It was originally twice
     as long but I decided to split it in two because I love to tease. It
     does mean that the next one will be up very very soon I just want to
     add a few more things.
     It was also gonna be more angsty but they two decided to be cute
     instead. Don't worry there's still angst just with a hint of fluff.
            "With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts."
                             - Eleanor Roosevelt 
===============================================================================
                                        
                              Christmas_Eve_2017
 
His back twinged as Carl awoke, his body twisting on the hard floor digging
into his hips, a sharp contrast to the softness under his cheek. He groaned as
the pain trickled through him, lifting his hip up slightly to relieve the
pressure. His hand curled on bare flesh, he frowned his fingers trailed through
wiry hair, Shane? He flinched back, scooting away from the body next to him.
His eyes focused on the dim room, shards of light flickered through curtains,
his heart lifted when he realised exactly who was next to. Negan. His body
relaxed, they were still under the tree, he had to remind himself not to sit up
and disrupt the pine needles. Laying back down he rubbed his hands over his
eyes, wiping the sleep away, a sigh heaved its way out of his chest.
Panic settled in as he thought about the previous night, he’d really crossed a
line by kissing him. It just felt so right , he couldn’t resist drawing their
lips together and when they started he didn’t want to stop. He never wanted to
stop, that was the problem. Things really did seem worse in the harsh light of
day, the memory of the kiss brought him more anxiety the more he thought about
it. What was he thinking kissing his teacher? A man probably twice his age, who
probably had other interests than kissing teenage boys. Then again he had
kissed him back… why? It was relieving to know that Negan seemed to want him
just as much as he did but he couldn't figure out how he could possibly find
him attractive. Doubts pricked at him, was Negan just using him to make himself
feel better? His Dad always said it was a big confidence boost when younger
girls checked him out, was it the same for Negan? Shane’s words echoed in his
mind ‘men like him will say anything to get between your legs,’ it made Carl
sick to think that Negan was trying to get him into bed. Another part of his
brain rebelled, he knewNegan, he trusted him. The man had been there for him
during some of his darkest times, had respected him when he needed his space,
he wouldn’t be like that.
A moan from his side distracted him from his thoughts, he turned his attention
to the body that was twisting beside him. He watched as Negan’s face scrunched
up in pain, no doubt feeling the same aches that Carl felt when he awoke. Brown
eyes came to rest on his face, his heart sank when he saw Negan frown at him.
“How the fuck did I let you convince me it was a good idea to get down here?”
He rolled over onto his side to face Carl. “I’m achin’ like a whore after a
busy night.”
Carl laughed, a deep belly laugh that echoed through the room. All the tension
in his body dissipated at his words.
“You didn’t need much convincing.” Carl reminded him.
“Fucking lies.” Negan spoke again, he reached out a hand to brush against
Carl’s cheek, his usual cocky smile appeared on his face. “Mornin’”
Carl couldn’t help but melt at the look, heart bursting at the attention.
“Morning.”
“Quite a kiss you laid on me last night.”
“You complaining?” Carl waited with baited breath for a reply.
“Fuck no! If I had it my way we’d never have stopped but…” His words trailed
off as the smile dropped from his face.
“But?”
“But I’m your teacher and this is so beyond fucked up. I could get into a
helluva lot of trouble for this.”
“I know..I’m sorry.” Carl rubbed a hand over his face. “I just… I couldn’t help
it.”
That damn smirk reappeared. “I don’t blame you I am fuckin’ gorgeous. I’d be
kissin’ me too if I was you.”
“Arrogant ass” He pushed at his shoulder.
“Ouch, watch it I’m still in pain from layin’ on this damn floor all night.”
Negan rubbed at the back of his shoulder.
“You deserved it.” Carl slipped downwards, gliding along the wooden flooring
before he pulled himself up. “You need help gettin’ up old man.”
Negan just laughed at him as he stood, he moved in front of Carl, eyebrows
wiggling up suggestively as he spoke. “I can assure you I have no trouble
getting it up.”
Carl pushed his shoulder again, blushing as he walked away to the kitchen. He
grabbed himself a glass of water and tried not to stare as Negan stretched
himself out. Carl hadn’t noticed the previous night that Negan wasn’t wearing
anything but his tight black boxers. He took a sip, wetting his dry mouth as he
watched his tight muscles contract across his back, heart racing as he let his
eyes wonder down from broad shoulders to a narrow waist. Sweat slicked his
hands as he flicked his gaze to glance at Negan’s ass, he couldn’t help but
notice how firm it was, the boxers doing the barest minimum to cover it up. He
turned quickly and took a big gulp as Negan spun around, although it was pretty
obvious how he felt about the man, he didn’t want him to think that he was a
total pervert.
“Gimmie some of that.” Negan plucked the glass from his hand. Carl could feel
the heat from his body behind him, his heart now pounding against his chest as
blood pumped through it. He didn’t want to think about where that blood was
currently flowing to, he just hoped he could keep control of himself.
“Soo...where’s your...uh...shower?” He managed to squeak out.
“Upstairs, first door on the left, there should be some towels up there. You
need to borrow some clothes?”
“Yeah, please,  just a new shirt, my jeans are fine.” He replied, finally
turning around to face him. He refused to let his eyes wander down to his glide
over the tattoos and muscles he knew he’d find there. He let out a tense smile
before darting around him to head up the stairs.
He hadn’t ventured up the stairs before, he always stuck to his spot on the
couch when he’d been there before. His eyes trailed over the bare wooden walls
as he walked down the hallway, they paused on the open door that exposed a
large bed in the middle of the room, Negan’s room his mind filled in for him.
His lust filled mind couldn’t resist floating the image of Negan in that bed
through his brain. He shook his head and refocused his mind on getting to the
shower.
Walking into the room on the left, he took in the large bathroom, it was bigger
than his own bedroom. A huge sunken tub dominated the corner of the room, the
depth contrasting with the high wooden ceiling. The walk-in shower was situated
opposite the tub, partly covering the stone look wall, it was the perfect mix
of modern and classic. Carl was impressed that a guy like Negan would have such
good taste.
Locking the door behind him, he stripped off and stepped inside the shower,
closing the door behind himself. He’d never been so confused by a shower
before, there were so many knobs that it took him more time that he’d like to
admit to figure out exactly how to turn it on. Even longer to get the settings
right. He breathed in and enjoyed the heavy pressure of the hot water, it was
more perfect that he could imagine. The water massaged over his aching skin,
bringing a delightful pleasure that spread over him. It did nothing to stop the
ache that he’d been trying to ignore between his legs.
He looked down at himself, almost confused by the hardness that stuck out from
his body. It wasn’t like he’d never masturbated before, he spent most of his
time when he was 13 jerking off under the sheets at night, it had just become a
foreign concept after everything with Shane. It was like he started to
dissociate his body with sex, it had merely become an object for Shane to use
when he wanted, it never felt like his own anymore. Now he was getting a keen
reminder that his brain did in fact control his body on occasion, the images of
Negan’s practically naked body sending throbs of pleasure through him.
His brain supplied him with fantasies of those lips, how they felt on his, how
they might feel elsewhere on his body. His breathing sped up the more he
thought about it, the more he thought of Negan trailing his lips down his body,
what he might do with them when he reached even further down.
He almost reached down to take himself into his own hand, he knew he could do
it, could get himself off to those thoughts. He stopped himself though, it felt
too weird to be doing those things in another person’s house, although he was
fairly certain Negan wouldn't care, if anything he’d probably offer to help.
Another wave of lust pulsed through him at the thought.
He groaned at himself, of all the times to rediscover that he actually wanted
sex he had to pick the time when he couldn't do anything about it. A dirty part
of his brain reminded him that there was definitely something he could do about
it, he could always go out and grab Negan, ask for his assistance.He shook his
head again, not the time, and he definitely wasn't ready for that.
His hand shot out and quickly turned the temperature knob right down, the best
fix in a situation like this. His body soon cooled down under the punishing ice
that flowed from the head. He quickly washed himself, not spending too long
cleaning around his crotch in case his body got anymore ideas.
Stepping out the shower he grabbed one of the pearly white towels from the rack
and wrapped it around his waist. He wiped at the steam from the grand mirror
above the sink and took a look at himself. Allowing his eyes to trail over his
body he was relieved to see no visible marks from his last visit from Shane. He
didn't fancy putting his undershirt back on so he'd have to walk out of there
in the towel, and he didn't want to deal with any questions about bite marks.
He took a deep breath and shoved his boxers on under the towel, he grabbed his
undershirt and walked out from the bathroom. Hearing a noise from Negan's
bedroom he padded across the hall to look into the room.
Carl was almost disappointed to see that Negan had gotten dressed whilst he was
in the shower. He was currently chucking some clothes onto the bed from the
dresser by the side of the room. His body now covered in a plain, white tee,
the deep V of the neckline revealing a sliver of chest hair. His jeans were
still underdone, Carl could see a hint of his boxers in the gap, it sent his
pulse racing again.
“Hey.” Negan said as he turned to see Carl standing there. Carl could see his
eyes flit over his body, he shivered under the gaze wondering what was going
through his mind. He couldn't help but wonder if Negan liked what he saw,
whether he'd truly find a skinny boy like him attractive. He'd never felt so
vulnerable, never been so aware of the ribs that were so obvious under his
skin, the hip bones that protruded out. In that moment he wanted to cover
himself up, conceal himself from his gaze. He watched the man lick his lips,
questioned whether he actually saw a flicker of lust fill Negan's eyes. The
room was quiet for a moment, filled with tension. Carl became hyper aware of
the bed that was in between them, almost a promise of things to come, things
that could happen in that moment. He heard Negan clear his throat, breaking the
moment.
“I...uh…here you can wear this.” He offered him a black shirt which Carl took
gratefully.
“Thanks.”
“I brought your jeans up, you can get dressed in here. I'll wait downstairs,
make us some breakfast.”
“Great.” He replied, his skin tingled as Negan brushed past him, the temptation
to stop him with a kiss nearly overwhelmed him.
He quickly dropped the towel as he heard the door shut, walking over to his
pull his jeans on. He slipped the shirt over his head and almost laughed at how
big the shirt was on him, he was fairly certain he could double in size and it
would still fit comfortably. Shaking his head, he dropped the towel in the
clothes basket by the door and headed back downstairs. The scent of gingerbread
filling his nose again as he got closer to the kitchen. Negan was busying
around the kitchen, wash cloth hanging over his shoulder as he leaned down to
open the oven, removing whatever was inside it.
“So what’s for breakfast chef?”
“Gingerbread cookies.” Negan announced in his usual theatrical voice,
dramatically presenting the freshly cooked cookies to Carl.
“Cookies? For breakfast?” Carl asked.
“Of course, it’s Christmas right? You can eat whatever the fuck you want.” He
shoved the cookies onto a cooling rack. “There’s some chocolate on the side
there if you want something to eat while they cool.”
“Wow, aren’t you supposed to be the epitome of health? Considering you’re a
Coach and all that.”
“Nah, that’s just what we tell people to look good.”
“Right.” Carl sat at the table, reaching out to munch on the offered chocolate,
he couldn’t really complain it was every teenagers dream right?
“So we gonna talk about that kiss or what?” Negan asked, as blunt as ever,
leaning his hips back against the counter.
Carl’s chewing slowed as he thought about his words, what exactly could he say?
“What about it?” He tried to play it cool, tried to ignore his heart pounding
nervously in his chest.
“Well, here I thought I was playing the creepy perverted Coach in some porno
when I had dirty thoughts of you then you go and place a kiss like that on me.
I kinda wanna know if that kiss means that you’ve been having the same thoughts
or if I should lock myself up in jail already.”
Carl nearly choked on the chocolate still in his mouth, his eyes widened at the
thought of Negan having any dirty thoughts of him. “Uh...well…yeah I suppose. I
just....” Carl couldn’t find the right words to describe how he felt. “I don’t
know… it’s pretty obvious that I’ve been thinking about you differently , as
more than a friend. It’s not just… not just those kind of thoughts, it’s more
than that.” He hesitated before he spoke again. “What… what is it for you?”
Negan rubbed at his face, sighing into his hands. It was so complicated.
The longer he waited for a reply the more the insecurities crept in, was Shane
right about him? Negan had only mentioned dirty thoughts, nothing to do with
falling for him. No mentioned if any feelings that resembled Carl's own. Carl
played with the food on his plate, twisting it in his fingers as he tried to
distract himself from the anxiety flitting in his stomach.
“It's...shit…I don't know I'm just as confused as you are. At first I thought I
just liked the attention, it's been so long since I was with anyone that I
figured I was just touch deprived or some shit like that but now…”
“Now?” Carl promoted him after a few moments silence, eyes fixed on his. The
tension twisted in the room, tugging at both of them.
“Now...now it's more. I don't know what the fuck it is. All I know is that
every moment without you is fucking hell. I mean, Christ I feel like a fuckin’
teenager with a dumb crush, it was notsupposed to be this way.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
Carl sighed, standing up to pace away from him. “For all this.” He gestured
between the two of them. “This is so messed up.”
“Don’t apologise Carl, it’s not your fault. These things just happen, God, if
anything it’s my fucking fault, I’m supposed to put a lockdown on this shit. I
shouldn’t have allowed myself to get close to you but I was so damn selfish I
couldn’t help myself.” Negan stood and walked over to Carl. “Whatever this is,
it is not your fault. It is what it is.”
Carl nodded, he still didn’t know what to make of it. His head was jumbled as
the reality of the situation sank in. Whatever they were it wouldn't be normal,
it couldn’t be normal. They’d have to be so careful, more careful, his stomach
turned as he thought back to Shane catching them on the field. It could have
been so much worse.
“Carl…” Negan cupped a hand around his neck. “It'll be alright. We'll figure it
out. Together.”
“Yeah, yeah, it's what we do.” He replied, stepping closer to Negan, head
resting on his shoulder. He breathed the man in, that woody scent replacing the
gingerbread that was still stuck in his nose. A hand stroked up his back, as
the other stroked along his neck, the movements relaxing him again.
“You want some gingerbread now?”
Carl laughed at his question. “Sure, let’s eat.”
They split and ate their breakfast, conversation falling onto simpler topics as
the morning passed. The clock that ticked on the wall a constant reminder of
how soon he’d have to leave. He promised his parents he’d be home by midday, it
was Christmas Eve after all and he had to go play happy families with them.
“Almost time to take you home.” Negan said, his own eyes flicking to the clock.
“Yeah.” The mood sunk as the realisation hit them both. They finished their
meal in silence, both wanting to beg the other to stay, neither brave enough to
do so.
“When will I see you next?” Carl asked, he didn't want to seem needy but he
needed some kind of hope to get through the next few days. He needed something
to think about those days at Shane’s.
“Whenever you're free. I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. You're
the one with all the obligations.” He joked.
“Yeah.” He broke off another piece of cookie, shoving it into his mouth, Negan
was surprisingly good at the whole baking thing.
“Don't be so sad, I thought you were all into the whole Christmas thing?”
“I am. I just wish it was like it was when I was younger y’know? When it's all
magical and everything is simple.”
“So it’s all complicated now?”
“Yeah, it’s different.”
“How come?”
“It just is.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?”
“Funnily enough no, I’m sure you get that a lot thought.”
“Naah, who wouldn’t want to hear this voice?”
“Most people.”
“You’re an ass, why do I put up with you again?”
“Cos you have all those dirty Coachthoughts” He jested at Negan.
“Shit, yeah.”
Carl rolled his eyes at the smug grin on his face. “On that note, I’m gonna go
get my things, I gotta get going.”
Carl grabbed his bag and stuffed his dirty shirt into it. He looked around the
room, trying to memorize everything about it, he never wanted to forget the
last 24 hours.
“Got your things?” Negan asked as he walked back into the room. He’d gone to
the closet to grab their jackets, he chucked Carl’s over to him before putting
his own on.
“Yep, think that’s everything.”
“Right, let’s get going then. Can’t have you late for lunch.”
Carl shivered as they left the warmth of the house. 
“Shit, wait here, you’re gonna freeze on the bike like that.”
He started to protest but Negan had already dipped back inside the house. He
shook as he stood there waiting for him to come back. His eyes were drawn to a
red object in his arms as the man reappeared in the doorway.
“C’mere.”
Carl walked closer, bending his head as Negan lifted the object over his head.
He quickly realised it was a scarf as the other man wrapped it around his neck.
Fitting it snugly around it before tucking it into his jacket. It wasn’t much
but it did offer a respite from the wind that snapped around them. 
“Thanks, I’ll get it back to you next time.”
Negan waved it off, adjusting the scarf here and there. “Keep it, call it your
present from me.”
“Thank you.” He looked up at him, smiling as the man continued to adjust the
scarf. Carl placed his hands over Negan’s, fingers curling over the top. “I
think it’s all good.”
“Yeah, looks good.” Negan brought his eyes up from the scarf to meet Carl’s.
They stood there for a moment, taking each other in. It was stupid, they’d see
each other soon enough, but it felt like an eternity was spread out before
then. Their fingers still intertwined on the scarf, the contact driving them
together again. Carl’s eyelids fluttered closed as their mouths inched nearer,
he breathed in deep as their lips met, savouring the taste of his lips. He
wrapped his arms around his neck, bringing their bodies closer together, he
felt Negan’s palms slip down from his neck, sliding down his torso to wrap
around his waist. The warmth from his lips radiated through his body, battling
the cold weather outside.
He tentatively opened his mouth, tongue slipping out to meet the one that
nudged at his lips. Their tongues slid over each other, the friction sending
his pulse rocketing again, electrifying every nerve in his body, he could
practically feel the blood pumping through his veins. Carl could feel his body
urge him to move nearer, it was like he was drawn to him like a moth to a
flame.
He pushed even closer, wanting to feel more of Negan against him. Negan
obliged, stepping towards him, hands pulling his waist closer. Carl could feel
Negan’s chest against his own, could feel his breathing was as erratic, his
mouth was almost insistent against his. Carl never wanted it to end, he clung
to the man as his world spun, he felt drunk on his lips. He let out a small
moan as Negan’s hand slid lower to cup his ass, he let his own palms trail down
to his feel his chest, enjoying the hard muscles he could feel under his shirt.
His hands slipped lower, gently toying with the hem of the man’s shirt, brief
flickers of flesh made contact as they moved. His accidentally slipped lower,
catching on his belt, he gave a jolt as the brush of sturdy leather sent a shot
through his brain. Memories of a similar belt hitting his flesh resurfaced, the
clink of a buckle before mind blowing pain forced him to pull away from Negan.
Panting as he broke the kiss, he tried to refocus himself on the present, he
was here with Negan, not with Shane he tried to remind himself.
“Carl, you alright?”
He could hear Negan’s voice, he looked up at him, eyes shifting over the figure
as if they needed to double check that it was really him. “Yeah...yeah… I’m
good… it’s uh, just a bit much.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get carried away.”
“No! It’s fine, don’t worry.” Guilt prickled at Carl as he saw the sad look on
his face. He forced a smile at him, trying to control the shake in his hand as
he rubbed Negan’s arm. “We should get going though I don’t wanna be late.”
Carl pulled away from him, walking ahead to the bike, willing his body to calm
the hell down before he got home.
**********
He walked into the house to the sight of his Dad on the couch, head in his
hands. He looked almost sad. His head snapped towards him as the door slammed
shut behind Carl.
“Hey.” The man spoke, wiping at his face, was that tears on his face?
“You OK Dad?” He asked, walking closer to him.
“Yeah, uh, just thinking about things.”
“Where’s Mom?” he couldn’t hear her pottering about the house, it was silent
except for the two of them.
“She’s gone out, went to grab some more food for dinner tomorrow.”
“Right, I’ll just be in my room. Gimmie a shout if you need me.”
“Carl…” it broke his heart to hear how desperate his Dad’s voice was behind
him. “What happened?”
Carl turned back to face him, looking questioningly at the man.
“With us? We used to be so close. Now you seem like you can’t even stand to be
in the same room with me.”
Carl sighed, he seemed to be doing that a lot today. He went to sit on the
couch opposite his father. “It’s not that, things are just… complicated.”
“Things are always complicated Carl.” He looked up at Carl. “There’s something
more going on here. Something else.”
“There’s nothing else Dad, like you said the other day, it’s just stupid
teenage stuff.”
“I’m sorry, for whatever it’s worth, that we’re leaving. Things have been
tricky with your Mom lately, we just wanted some time to sort it all out. Not
to get away from you but to protect you from it all.”
“You don’t have to protect me Dad, I know things aren’t right with you and Mom.
I’ve known for ages.”
“Is that what this is about? The problems at school? Did we cause that?”
“No, Dad it’s nothing, it’s just stress. Nothing to do with you and Mom.”
“I know you’re not happy about going to stay with Shane, but it’s only a few
days. Your mom and I are thinkin’ of doing a family holiday in the new year.
It’ll be nice to get away, just the three of us." 
“Yeah, maybe.” Carl wasn’t sure, he didn’t even know if he could trust that he
was telling the truth. Too many times he’d been told that they were gonna be
together more only to be let down again and again.
“I love you Carl, I hope you know that.” His Dad looked at him earnestly.
“Yeah, I love you too Dad.”
“I just want what's best for you, both of us do. We just… sometimes we don't
know what that is.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn't go asking Shane for parenting advice if you wanna
get anywhere.” He suggested, letting anger fill his voice for a moment.
“Yeah, maybe that's not the best thing. He's not the best moral judge.” Rick
laughed, once again not hearing the frustration from his son.
Ready for the conversation to be over Carl stood. “I’m gonna head back to my
room. See you later.”
He walked off, the conversation echoing in his head, when would they ever
learn?
He slept in Negan’s shirt that night, the scent of the man relaxed him, gave
him the strength of getting through the days as his impending visit to Shane
grew closer.
He found it harder and harder to be in his parents company as he was forced to
spend time with them that day. Negan had certainly unlocked a rage in him that
he never thought himself capable of. Every comment his mother made seemed to
send the hair on his skin upright, he wanted to scream at his Dad every time he
mentioned Shane.
He noted that they didn't seem to be fighting much for a couple that were
having trouble as he Dad had said. He noticed all the little acts of affection
between them, if anything they seemed more in love than ever. Carl deviously
thought about wrecking it, tell his Dad all about what Shane had done with his
Mother, watch them fall apart at the seams. Then maybe they'd listen to him
about that man, he could twist the knife in further by making them realise what
the man they trusted had done to their son.
He couldn't do it to them. As much as he hated them, or thought he hated them,
he still loved his parents. Still wanted to preserve their happiness even if
they didn't give a shit about his. Or maybe it was that he didn't want to deal
with that shit, he couldn't face up to the drama, not when he was so close to
getting away for good. He could leave home, leave Shane, leave his parents.
Leave Negan his brain added, the thought sent a stab of pain through him.
 Negan was right earlier when he said about the two of them being apart, it was
like a constant ache, like part of him was missing. He wondered how normal this
was, he'd never really done the whole boyfriend thing before, he'd never even
known he was into guys until Negan came along. He'd had a few fleeting
fantasies about Ron when he was younger but sex has been far from his mind
since Shane. Relationships had been far from his mind, the thought of getting
close to anyone terrified him, the constant paranoia that they'd turn on him
like Shane had was almost overwhelming. Yet Negan had managed to do it, had
managed to worm his way inside Carl's heart and make a home for himself. He'd
awoken long dormant emotions in him, made him feel like a normal human being
for the first time in years. He made him want to fight to be a better version
of himself and no matter what happen between them in the future he'd always be
grateful for that.
**********
                              Christmas_Day_2017
 
Christmas Day passed without too much drama, the usual shit happened. His Mom
got annoyed that she was the only one cooking, his Dad had a bit too much to
drink, and he spent his time fending off Shane’s almost constant advances.
Dinner was an awkward affair, Shane seemed determined to make things as painful
as possible for him. He brought a date to dinner, some dumb bitch named Sherry,
but he spent most of his time groping at Carl. More than once he had to stop
his hand creeping up his leg as he tried not to vomit over his turkey. Shane
seemed to delight in making him as uncomfortable as possible, making small digs
about him to Sherry, embarrassing him in front of his parents. His hand gripped
his knife tighter and imaged sinking it into Shane's threat. The thoughts
occupied his time as dinner passed.
The night ended with Shane sending Sherry off in a cab, and his Mom going to
bed early in anger at his Dad’s drunken antics. Carl did the dishes to the
sound of sniggering laughter from the other room, Shane and his Dad were
reminiscing about their days as partners. At least they were keeping each other
occupied, it gave Carl time to clean up in relative peace.
He found his mind drifting off as he put the dishes back in their places, he
wondered what Negan was doing. Whether he’d gone anywhere, seen anyone, in a
way Carl hoped that he had. It upset him to think that the man would be
spending Christmas on his own, no one should have to do that. He briefly
entertained the idea of giving the man a call before he went to bed, he just
wanted to hear his voice even if it was only for a few minutes.
“Well aren’t you the perfect housewife?” A slurred voice broke through the
silence. He turned to see Shane in the doorway, Carl wondered how long he’d
been standing there for.
“Did you want something?” He asked briskly, turning away from him to grab
another plate to put away. He was caught halfway to the cabinet, a long arm
curled around the dip above his hip pulling him tight against Shane.
“You damn well know what I want.”
Carl’s feet became tangled with Shane’s as he tried to shift away from him,
hands pushed at the hard chest, doing nothing to dislodge the weight against
him.
“Shane... stop… Dad’s next door.” He shoved at him, hoping that he’d see the
sense in his words.
“Don’t worry he’s all passed out.” Carl heard the man unbuckling his belt, he
could feel the leather moving against his waist.
He was borderline hyperventilating as he was pushed over the counter, his mind
flashing back to the first time they’d done this. It was almost like his body
was experiencing the pain all over again, he twitch with each brush of Shane’s
hand across his body. His pants were yanked down, hands grabbed at his hips to
pull them back against his hard flesh. Carl let out a yelp at the sudden
movement. He panicked as a hand reached out to cover his mouth, breathing
becoming even more of an issue as it partially blocked his nose in the process.
“Shhhh, you gotta keep quiet, unless you want your parents to see what a whore
you are for me.”
He tried to shake his head, tried to deny that he was anything but an unwilling
participant in all of this but his mouth remained covered, his words became
nothing but muffled grunts against the palm. He shoved his hands flat on the
counter trying to push up to get away. He was stopped by the poison Shane
trickled into his ear.
“That’s what they’ll think Carl if they come in, they’ll think you seduced me,
made me do all this. I’ll make ‘em believe it just like I convinced them it was
a good idea to leave for New Years. So stop whining and crying, there's no
point. Anyways, deep down you know you fuckin’ want this.”
With his last words he shoved himself deep inside him, Carl almost screamed as
he was torn apart. He managed to keep it to a low moan that was muffled by the
now soaked palm over his mouth, tears flicked down his face and onto it. His
words always hurt him more, he knew he was right, knew his parents would never
believe him over Shane. He couldn't fight, he couldn’t risk that they’d come in
there and see him. He was paralysed, left stuck in the man's twisted web,
waiting to be devoured whole. Hated flared through him, hated for his parents
who would never take his damn side, they put him in this position. Hatred
towards his own body for not being strong enough to fight him off. He clung
onto the hatred with every painful thrust into his body, it helped to numb the
pain. His fingers reached out and gripped the corners of the counter, squeezing
tight to brace himself, trying to ground himself in the dark depths of his
mind.
He felt the familiar burn of come as it filled his body, another muffled moan
escaped him at the sensation. Air was forced out of his lungs as a heavy weight
came to lie on top of his prone form. Hot breath filled his ear as Shane tried
to get his breath back, Carl squirmed away from the hand that caressed his
waist.
“God, I can’t wait for New Years baby.” A kiss was placed on his shoulder, it
burned through his shirt. “Four whole days of this.”
Carl wasn’t sure if he could take it, he could feel something inside of him
breaking, tendrils of chains that had him pinned down for some long were slowly
snapping. Each beat of his heart a cue for them to chink away, anger aiding the
process. Hatred was an acid the swirled through him, weakening the bond. He was
almost ready, he just didn't know what for.
***** and it all falls apart *****
Chapter Summary
     As Carl is forced to spend New Years with Shane he can feel himself
     ripping in two, everything in him breaking apart until he has nothing
     left to lose.
Chapter Notes
     So we've finally arrived at Carl's visit with Shane. It's not a
     fluffy chapter but it's not anymore graphic than previous ones. Shane
     does fuck with Carl's head a lot in this one and poor Carl really
     does get his mind torn in half. Stick with me though it'll get better
     I promise!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
   "No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other
                                   people."
                                  - Jay Asher
===============================================================================
                                        
                                 December_2017
The day came soon enough. He stood at the bottom of his bed looking out at the
bundle of clothing stacked on it. He just needed to pack it all up and then he
was...ready? Not quite the right word, he'd never be ready for this. Vomit
seemed to be a constant presence in throat as the day he left for Shane's crept
closer, the acid burning away at him. It was always different like this, it was
one thing to suddenly be around Shane and his groping hands, but walking into
it was always worst kind of torture. Thankfully it had only ever been for a
night at most, he wished he was so lucky this time. Four whole days with Shane.
Absolute hell.
He rubbed at his eyes, sleep hadn’t come easy the previous night even with
Negan’s shirt wrapped him. He’d tossed and turned, unable to sedate his mind
that persisted in showing him dark visions of what to expect in the coming
days. Deep down he always knew that no matter what his mind showed the reality
would be worse.
He was shaken from his thoughts by a knock on the door. A voice shouted through
the wood.
“You ready to go Carl? We gotta get a move on.”
“Oh yeah can't have you missing out on your vacationbecause of your son can
we?” Was what he wanted to say. Instead he said “Yeah I’m coming.”
He sighed as he heard the footsteps walk away from his door and fade down the
hall. Realising he couldn't put it off much longer he shoved his things into
his old duffel bag and dragged himself downstairs with it. His parents were
waiting by the door with their suitcases, just the sight of their happy faces
made anger bubble up in him. He ignored his Mom’s words and headed straight
into the car, waiting for them to join him. He adamantly stared out of the
window for the short journey, any attempts to start a conversation were
ignored.
His Dad pulled the car up at Shane's, the white house standing alone in the
sparse area, not a person to be seen for miles. Just him and Shane. He thought
it was almost creepy how they both turned around to face him, pity a clear
sight on their faces.
“We're gonna miss you baby.” His Mom spoke softly, like she was trying appease
him, trying to ease the pain of what they were doing to him. Too late for that
he thought.
“Not enough to miss your vacation for.” He snarled at her, reaching for the
door handle he shifted over and slipped out the car. He grabbed his bag that
was by his feet and slammed the door shut behind him. He vaguely heard them
pull away as he walked up to the familiar blue door of Shane's house, it was
smaller their theirs, no where near as nice as Negan's but it suited Shane. It
used to suit him too, used to be one of his favorite places to be before
everything, now it was just another reminder of how his life used to be.
The door swung open before he even reached the porch, Shane's broad figure
nearly took up the whole doorway. Carl saw him give a friendly wave to his
parents as they drove off. His feet grew heavier the closer he got to the
building, his pace slowing as his body tried to delay the inevitable. Fear and
dread crept in to replace his previous desperation to escape his parents, the
reality that he was now going to be spending days with this man dropped over
him.
“C’mon in boy. I've been waiting for you.” Shane whispered into his ear as he
tried to get past without touching him. Shane had already been drinking, he
stunkof whiskey, Carl briefly wondered if he'd pass out before he could do
anything. He let out a shout as a hand slapped across his ass when he moved
into the house.
He cringed as the door slammed shut behind him, he stood in the middle of the
hall, unsure of his next move. He could go upstairs, drop his bag off but Shane
would no doubt take that as an invitation. Then again he didn't want to stand
there around him, he could feel his eyes already burning into his back. His
decision was made for him as Shane plastered himself along his back. He could
feel the sweat from his hands through his shirt as Shane dragged them down his
arms, one hand plucking the bag from his tightly clenched fist to drop it on
the floor. The other trailed along his waist, lowering down to slip under his
shirt.
Carl tried to squirm away from him but he was trapped in his grip. “Shane, I
need to go upstairs, get rid of my things.”
“Mmmmhmmm, you definitely need to get upstairs, I’ve been thinking about you
writhing around in my sheets. All. Fucking. Week.”
The hands persisted in their attempt to remove his shirt, one of them crept
down to grope at his crotch through his jeans.
“Shane…” He protested, he couldn’t keep track of the hands that slithered over
him, it was like Shane had grown another set, every time he pinned one hand
down another would appear on another part of his body.
“Carl, it’s been too damn long.” He turned Carl to face him. Carl was sickened
by the desperate look on his face. He pushed his hands against Shane’s chest,
trying to put some distance between them. He stepped back but was quickly
followed by Shane.
“But...we’ve….we’ve got four whole days Shane. You don’t need to do anything
now.”
A seedy smirk appeared on his face, teeth creeping out to bite down on his
lower lip as he no doubt thought of all the things he wanted to do with him.
“You’re not wrong about that.” He stepped Carl back until they reached the
stairs, he pushed him down against the steps, crawling on top of his prone
body. He slipped his hips between Carl’s legs. “That doesn’t stop us takin’ the
edge off though.”
**********
Shane had let him shower after that, he’d ground himself between his legs,
frotting against him until he came in his pants. Carl pretended that he’d done
the same so he could get away, get into the shower to burn off his touch. The
bathroom was his one sanctuary in the whole damn building, he could lock the
door and pretend that he was at home, just getting ready for the day.
A knock on the door had him freezing, the soap slipped from his hand as he
questioned if he’d actually locked the door. Panicking at the thought that the
man might come in and ruin his time alone.
“Hurry up and get your ass out here Carl. I’ve got plans for us.” Shane shouted
through the door.
Carl leaned his forehead against the cool tiles, the hot water burned a path
down his back.
“Sure, just a sec.” He called back, taking deep breaths to calm himself. God
knows what Shane had planned but he didn’t want to keep him waiting, no point
in delaying the inevitable. He switched off the shower and grabbed his towel so
he could dry off quickly. Carl shoved his clothes back on and walked down the
stairs, trying to figure out where the man was. He found him in the large
living room, relaxing on the raggedy couch that he’d had for as long as Carl
could remember. Carl’s eyes furrowed when he saw the game controller on his
lap, he recognised the familiar start up screen on the tv. He and Shane used to
play on the Playstation every time they were together, whenever his parents
dropped him off for babysitting duty, they’d find themselves playing whatever
game Shane had bought that week. They hadn’t done it for years though, Shane
preferring a whole different kind of game nowadays, it was an unsettling shift
back to the old ways.
“Ready to play?” The man asked, chucking a controller at him. Carl caught it
and walked on unsteady legs over to the couch. He sunk down into the opposite
corner to Shane, eyes warily looking him over, but Shane merely turned his
attention to the screen, flicking through the controls to start the game.
Somehow this was worse. It was easy to hate him when he was forcing himself on
him, he could forget the good times, could forget how much he loved the man
before everything happened. They hadn’t done anything like this since the first
time he’d raped him, his visits usually involved him being trapped inside the
bedroom. This brought everything back to him, the joy that he felt whenever
he’d hung out with Shane, he had loved every second of their time together. He
looked up to Shane more than he’d ever looked up to his Dad, his eleven year
old self wanted to be like him so badly. He told him things that he’d never
even consider telling his Dad, he told him about his crushes, what he thought
about the kids at school, he even confided in him about his parents marriage,
how much he actually wanted them to divorce just to stop the damn fighting.
It almost made him sick to think it but Shane was the one that brought him so
much comfort. Whenever he woke from a nightmare it was his name on his lips, he
was the one the called for to protect him from the monsters. The arms that he’d
felt the most safe in were the same ones that pinned him down and took so much
from him.
Those thoughts were the most dangerous. The ones that forced him to question
every damn second that they had spent together, made him wonder if any of it
was genuine, if Shane ever truly cared about him or if he was just part of the
warped game that he played to get him to trust him so he could do what he
wanted.
His chest ached the more they played, he wanted to get lost in the game but all
he felt was the keen sting of betrayal. The constant abuse had numbed him to
it, he’d grown so accustomed to the new Shane that he’d almost forgotten the
old one. He’d forgotten how it felt to have that trust so brutally betrayed,
forgotten how sick he was in the days after that New Years, how every time he
replayed the events of that evening he found himself heaving into the nearest
toilet. In his shock he’d almost convinced himself that it was all a bad
nightmare, that it hadn’t truly happened. If it weren’t for the bruises and the
constant ache whenever he sat down he might have actually succeeded. It was
inconceivable to him that Shane would ever do such a thing, and it broke his
heart every damn day after, every time Shane cornered him, made him do awful
things that no one should ever be made to do, another piece of his heart
chipped away. Until he forgot, he made himself forget to make it easier, he
mourned the Shane he knew, buried him away in an effort to protect himself.
It all came rushing back in that moment. He tried to stop the tears in his
eyes, tried to stop the vomit that crept up his throat, his body trembled as
his mind attempted to reconcile how it all got to this. Looking over at Shane
he tried to remember how it felt to be safe around him, to not have nerves
twisting and writhing in his stomach whenever he was near. Even the sound of
his voice had him on edge, ready to run at any moment. He longed for that time,
longed for the simplicity that came before. He longed for some damn answers
that he wanted to scream out at him. Wanted to know why he did it? Why he had
to break someone that loved him so much?
“Carl? You alright buddy?” Shane asked, noticing his lack of participation on
the screen.
“Yeah…” Carl sniffed, trying to piece himself back together. His hands shook as
they gripped the controller, he tried to focus on the screen, blinking away the
tears that blurred his vision. “Just needed a second to remember.”
“Shit, yeah, it’s been awhile ain’t it?” Shane looked him over, licking at his
lips. “Been a little busy ain’t we?”
Carl just swallowed down the vomit and started playing the game. It’ll pass he
thought, it always does. He’ll forget everything, no use in remembering what’s
long dead.
**********
“You’re so beautiful like this Carl.” Shane twirled his hair around his finger,
his head was propped up on his arm so he could look down at Carl. They were
lying in bed together, Shane always liked keeping him around after, liked to
curl himself around Carl as they slept.
Carl wanted to squirm away, wanted to slap the hand away from him and tell
Shane to go fuck himself. A darker part of him wanted to roll him over and beat
the shit out of him until he was a beautiful bloody mess on the bed. Instead he
lay there, lost in the fantasy of destroying Shane’s face with his fists. He
shifted slightly when the hand slid along his torso, fingertips softly stroking
down his chest and onto his stomach.
“Has Negan ever seen this?” Shane asked, fingers now drawing circles on him.
“What?” Carl asked, his eyes sharply moved to look over Shane’s face, trying to
find a reason behind the question. Why on earth would he bring him up now?  
“He ever see you like this? Naked, all fucked out, and satisfied.”
“NO! Of course not, he’s my gym teacher.”
“C’mon Carl, I see how he looks at you. You tryna tell me that he’s never made
a move? Never lingered in the locker room a lil long when you’re showing? Never
tried to bury himself in that sweet ass of yours”
“No he’s not like that.” Carl needed him to stop talking, he could feel his
fist curl as the temptation to punch him grew in his mind.
Shane scoffed at him. “I bet he is.” He taunted Carl. “I bet he’s thought allll
about it, I suppose I wouldn’t blame him, I know seeing you run around in tight
shorts would make me wanna bend you over the nearest surface.”
Shane leaned down to place kisses along his shoulder, a nip to his collarbone
making him flinch. He shoved at him in response, hoping he’d take the hint and
drop the damn topic. He couldn’t stand to hear him talk so much shit about
Negan. His actions merely encouraged him to roll back on top of him, almost
suffocating him under his hot weight. The mouth trailed steamy kisses down his
chest, white teeth scraping across his nipple before he took it into his mouth,
toying with the bud.
“Shane…” he tried to squirm away from the hot mouth, trying to ignore the
flushes of pleasure that stung at him. He felt him suck a mark onto his chest,
shifting between harsh bites and gentle licks.
“Gotta make sure they all know who you belong to.” Shane murmured around a
mouthful of flesh. “I’d kill anyone that tried to take you away from me”
Carl wondered how true that was, panic overtook him as he thought about what
the man could do if he ever found out just how deep his and Negan’s
relationship was. He cried out as the mouth nipped ever lower, sharp teeth
digging into the soft flesh of his inner thigh. He winced as the mouth trailed
the cutting bites higher up, each one leaving stings of pain that radiated
through him.
Shane’s hands gripped his waist, shifting his hips higher as he crawled back up
his body. Carl felt his heavy length against his hip as Shane pressed closer
between his legs, grinding against him as moans left his mouth. Carl pushed
against his shoulders, trying to dislodge the man. He felt the growl vibrate a
warning against his neck.
“You need me to tie you down again?”
Carl frantically shook his head, he could still feel the throbbing burn on his
wrists from earlier in the day. After they’d finished playing Shane had taken a
great pleasure in tying his arms behind his back as he sat him on his lap, he
teased and forced pleasure on Carl until he was crying and pleading with him to
stop touching his oversensitive flesh. He said it was his prize for winning the
game.
He moved his hands to grip the crisp sheets by his side tighter, his body
unwilling to follow his mind’s instinct to get the hell out of the room. His
breathing grew more and more unsteady as hands crept between his legs.
“Just relax.” Shane hushed him.
Carl let his mind float into the darkness as a finger invaded him. He closed
his eyes against the fiery stare that trailed over his body, tried to imagine
being anywhere but here.
**********
He wished that the next day was easier, almost wished that Shane had decided to
keep him in bed all day. Things were always simpler when he could let himself
lay back and float away in his mind, dislocating his brain from whatever was
happening to his body. Instead Shane decided to confuse Carl even more by
taking him to the shooting range. He was surprised that Shane even let him out
of the house, he figured he’d be imprisoned in there for his whole visit. The
fresh air was a relief to his body, he could relax for awhile, certain that
Shane wouldn’t try anything whilst they were out in public.
It had been ages since he’d last held a gun, another revisit to his past from
Shane. When he turned 13 Shane had taken him around the back of his house and
let him shoot cans. As he lived in the middle of nowhere it meant they could
let loose and do what they liked. Carl thrived under Shane’s praise, feeling
like an adult when he entrusted him with his handgun.
Now, four years later they were at a real range, shooting at cardboard people.
Shane passed the gun he’d been using over to him, something akin to a dare
flickered behind his eyes, tempting Carl to use it on him. He walked past him,
stopping at the line, he raised the gun and let out a few practice shots. Even
with the distance he could see that he hadn’t hit his target at all. He cursed
himself when that inspired Shane to stand up behind him, hands twisting his
hips. To an bystander it like he was helping him with his stance but Carl could
feel his palms linger over his body, rubbing gently on the top of his hips. He
shot more ferociously this time, imagining Shane in the place of the target, he
could almost see the blood seeping through his shirt, smile fading as he
realised what Carl had done.
The thought made his head soar with pleasure.
Dinner that evening was a quiet affair, Carl sat awkwardly opposite Shane at
the small table. He played with the takeout in front of him, Chinese, from his
favorite place. He’d almost felt touched that Shane remembered, it had been so
long since they’d done this, maybe the man was feeling nostalgic. The noodles
spun around his fork, he’d never got the hang of the whole chopsticks thing. He
looked up and watched, lip curling up in disgust as Shane shoved more food into
his mouth. He’d always been a messy eater, never kept his mouth shut, you could
always hear the saliva mashing up the food. He was almost fascinated by the
sauce that trailed down from the corner of his lips, his eyes followed its path
down to his chin.
The uneasy tension that filled the room took away any inkling of hunger that he
might have felt. He was on unsteady ground, balancing on the wire, not sure
which way the wind was going to blow. The last day had knocked him sideways,
the constant flickering between painful abuse and happy memories had his
emotions all over the place.
“You gonna eat any of that or are you just gonna push it around your mouth all
night?” 
Carl didn’t bother answering, just continued to twirl the noodles around as
Shane finished his.
“Alright then, if you’re not gonna eat then we might as well go to bed darlin.”
He chucked his napkin onto the table, moving to stand by Carl, hand
outstretched offering his assistance. Carl didn’t take it, instead he sat back
and looked up at him.
“I’m not tired.”
“Don’t worry you will be, now get up.”
He remained seated.
“You are just really fuckin pushing it tonight Carl.” Shane grabbed his hair,
the force on the strands forcing Carl to stand, the chair falling back as it
was pushed away from the table. “After I was so nice to you earlier.”
“Nice?” He asked, outraged by his words. “How is raping me nice?”
Shane’s face twisted in anger, his other arm came up to thrust him against the
wall.
“Rape? That’s a fuckin’ joke if I’ve ever heard one.” He laughed at him. The
condescending tone just further enraged Carl.
“It is rape . You can gloss over it all you damn well want, but we both know I
don’t want this. I’ve never wanted this. You’re just a sick old man, who
couldn’t get his own way so he decided to take it out on a child.” Carl
couldn’t stop the words coming out of his mouth. He was damn sick of the almost
affectionate feelings that had reawakened in him as the afternoon had passed.
He wanted to hate him, he didn’t want to laugh at his stupid jokes, didn't want
the flutter of hope that maybe Shane wouldn’t hurt him again, didn’t want to
feel the pleasure that was forced on him time and time again, making him loathe
his own body. He was sick of the man toying with his emotions, playing him like
a fucking game. He wanted the anger, he wanted the pain, he wanted the reminder
that the man was a fucking monster.
“SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.” He roared at Carl, lifting his body forward only to slam
him back against the wall. Carl’s body shuddered with the impact, his back
still had bruises from the staircase earlier that screamed with pain.
“You’re only gettin’ pissed because you know I’m right.” He taunted, beyond
caring about himself. The stinging pain not quite enough to outweigh the glee
that trickled through him. Even the punch to his stomach made him laugh out. It
was nice to get under his skin for a change, make him squirminstead.
“You arenot right.” He growled at Carl. “You want this as much as I do. You
fuckin’ come every damn timeI touch you.”
“You makeme. I don't want it-”
“YES YOU FUCKING DO." 
Another punch came, knocking the wind out of him, he would have doubled over if
it weren't for his arm holding him up. His hand gripped his hair again pulling
his face up.
“You want me to make this worse for you Carl? Huh? Cos I can make it hell for
you. I can make your parents believe anything I want. You remember that chat
about you coming to live with me? I can make it happen.” Spit hitting Carl’s
face as he snarled at him. “You’ll be here, all mine, all the fuckin’ time.”
“They’d never let you do that.” Carl spoke, trying to convince himself more
than anything.
Shane laughed again, the shrill sound pierced through him.“Yes they fuckin’
would. I can do anything Carl and they’d fuckin’ thank me for it.”
Carl brought his hand up again, trying to land a punch across that smug face,
his efforts were thwarted by Shane. Shooting pain ran up his arm and across his
shoulder as it was twisted behind his back, whimpering as Shane used his body
weight to push it even higher, his body turned to face the wall. Carl was
sickened to note the hardness he could feel against his backside.
“You better start playin’ nice Carl.” He leaned in to whisper in his ear. “I
could keep you trapped here, keep you all chained up like a pet. You’d never go
to college, never see your friends, your little Coach Negan, ever again.”
Carl couldn’t help the flinch that overcame his body at those last words.
“Oooh, touched a nerve there did I? Maybe I was wrong earlier, maybe Negan
doesn’t wanna get in your pants, maybe you want to get in his? Little slut like
you, bet you can’t keep your legs closed.”
He struggled against the grip, stars blinked in his eyes after a sharp knock to
the head.
“You know I’m fuckin’ right. I can make it so you neversee him again. I’m a cop
Carl, I could get him locked up on whatever charge I like. Maybe I accidentally
walked in on him fiddling some of his students. I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard to
persuade some of them to lie about it, not after all I’ve heard about how he
treats them.”
“No… don’t please…” Carl whispered against the wall, tears falling down his
face. He couldn’t let Shane ruin Negan’s life. He was a good man, he didn’t
deserve any of this.
“No? What are you gonna do to convince me?”
“What...whatever you want. Please.”
“Mmmm, I dunno Carl, it’s gonna take a lot more than begging to convince me not
to do it.“
The grip on his arm was removed, fingers sneaking under his shirt as nails
scratched deep lines along his torso. Hot breath panted in his ear, the
moisture making his hair stick uncomfortably to his flesh. His body ached from
holding himself taunt, from the injuries inflicted on him by Shane, he wanted
to cry out as one of the nails caught on his ribs, he must have bruised them
with his punches.
“Let’s start nice and easy, get on your knees and apologise for calling me a
rapist.” Shane murmured in his ear.
Every inch of him protested as turned and he slid down the wall, his knees fell
hard on the wooden flooring. He looked up at Shane, remembering Negan as he
tried to look remorseful.
“I’m sorry I called you a rapist.” He could hardly bring any emotion to it,
even he could hear the monotone way he spoke, the angry look on Shane’s face
said that he had heard it too.
“Try. Again.” He ground out.
Carl took a deep breath. Think of Negan, you have to do it for him, you have to
do it for yourself. He couldn’t bear the thought of being forced to live with
the man, having to deal with this every day. “I’m sorry for calling you a
rapist.”
“That’s my boy. Now tell me you want me.”
“I...I want...I want you.” His voice faltered the more he spoke.
“I know you do sweetheart.” A finger trailer along his chin, an almost loving
gaze filled Shane’s eyes. “It’s about damn time you realise that I only do
these things because you fuckin ask me for it and tonight I’m gonna make you
realise how much of a goddamn desperate slut you are for my dick.”
Carl’s mind tried to block out his words, he wasn’t a slut, he never wanted it,
never asked for it. Even as his mind denied it there was the constant doubt in
his head that maybe deep deep down he did want it, why else would he find any
kind of pleasure in the man’s touch. Shane had told him so many times that if
you really didn’t want it then you wouldn’t like it. What if he was right? He
was so confused. How could his body and mind be so at war with each other?
“Take out my dick and make me nice and wet, it’s all the lube you’re gettin’
tonight.” Shane instructed.
His shoulder screamed as he brought his hands up to unfasten Shane’s jeans. He
swallowed down bile as he pulled out Shane’s hard length, a misleadingly tender
hand reached into his hair and encouraged his mouth towards it. He allowed
himself to be led, opening his mouth to take him inside.
“Fuuck, you are damn good at this.” Shane looked down to watch himself thrust
between those gorgeous red lips. He petted the hair on his head, stroking it
lovingly. “It’s all you’re fucking good for, in time you’ll realise that Carl.”
Shane yanked him up and bent him over the table after, still-full takeout
containers falling to the floor around them as Shane took him brutally, each
thrust shifting it forward. His saliva wasn’t enough to stop the burning
stretch, he could feel himself tear the faster the thrusts got. All he could
hear was the nasty words Shane whispered into his ear, reminding him who he
belonged to, who he’d always belong to.
After awhile Carl almost believed him.
He tried to block out what happened after, when he was lying in bed he tried to
stop the memories of the evening seeping in. All the degrading things he was
made to do, how he was made to say how much he enjoyed it, how much he had to
beg for more. Shane went out of his way to punish him for his earlier actions,
took every opportunity to force Carl to orgasm just so he could gloat in his
face.
He felt ruined. His body was limp, muscles stretched beyond imagination, and he
was so damn tired. His head flopped to the side, looking over at Shane’s
sleeping face, the sunrise through the curtain illuminating it.
He wished he had the strength to bury a knife into it.
**********
                              New_Years_Eve_2017
 
The next thing he knew he was waking to a stifling heat, Shane’s body covered
half of his, an arm and leg possessively draped over him. He tried to wriggle
away but only encouraged his arm to curl tighter around his waist, pulling him
closer.
Carl pushed at the hand, trying to dislodge the grip, nearly groaning in
frustration when it simply slipped along his sweat-slicked skin. He could feel
his breath quicken as the claustrophobia set in, he hated being trapped,
heneeded some space. The arm was pushing down on the bruises that were
flourishing on his stomach, making him groan out in pain.
“Mmmm, baby stop wriggling around, I need some fucking sleep.” Shane murmured
against his shoulder.
“Lemme up, I...uh...I need some breakfast, I’m starving.”
“It's a lil late for that. It's nearly dinner time.”
Shit, he hadn't realised it was so late. Carl almost sent up a prayer of thanks
as he stomach growled, his body actually working for him for once. He felt
himself breathe as Shane rolled off him, flopping onto his back on the bed.
Almost immediately Carl darted up, grabbing his clothes that had been thrown
onto the floor, he practically ran out of the room.
In his hurry he hadn’t noticed the sharp pain that whipped through his body at
his movements, he held back a moan as he knocked a bruise on his arm. He slowly
became aware of similar prickles of pain all over his flesh, each movement
seemed to knock the bite marks that Carl knew were hidden under his clothes.
Shane had really done a thorough job of marking him up, he hoped they’d fade by
the time he left the place.
Walking into the kitchen he headed over the the cupboard he knew he’d find some
cereal in. He wasn’t that hungry, contrary to what his body thought, but he’d
force himself to eat if it meant being away from that man and his hands for two
minutes. He was surprised to find the it empty, none of the usual packets were
in there. He slammed another cupboard shut, no food in there either. Was he
gonna starve to death as well this week?
“What are you up to?” Shane asked, leaning against the doorframe. Carl jumped
at the voice, he hadn’t heard him come downstairs.
“Looking for something for the food. You ever go to the grocery store?”
“Shit. I knew I’d forgotten something.” Shane opened the fridge. “Is there
nothing in here?”
“Nope. I could...uh...go grab some things? From the store? It should still be
open” He offered. He’d do just about anything to get away from the house, even
if it was only for a couple of hours.
“Yeah, yeah, alright.” He grabbed his wallet from his pocket, shoving a few
bills at Carl.
Carl took them, trying to avoid making contact with the other man. He quickly
stuffed them into his pocket as he went to grab his coat. A hand shot out to
grab his arm, pushing him back against the fridge, pinning him with his body.
“You not gonna give me a kiss before you go?”
Carl felt his stomach turn in disgust, he hated the false domesticity he forced
on him. He tilted his head up to peck him on the lips, trying not to let his
disgust show on his face. He stepped to the side trying to slip away from him,
he let out a grunt as he was pushed back again.  
“What am I your uncle? C’mon give me a proper kiss.”
Why did he always want more? He obliged him, trying not to focus on the lips on
his. He just had to do this then he could leave, he clenched his fist again,
letting his nails dig into his flesh to distract himself.
He was finally released, Carl tilted his head away from the mouth that panted
in his face, the wet heat misting his cheek. He dipped under Shane’s arm,
muttering out a goodbye, as he headed out the door. He breathed a sigh of
relief when fresh air hit him, he needed this time, needed to sort his head out
before he returned and did something truly stupid.
**********
Carl arrived back from the trip armed with the food, he kicked the door shut
behind him as he walked into the house.
“Theeeree he is! My boy!” Shane stumbled towards him, grabbing him into a tight
hug. Carl nearly fell as the man’s weight rested on him, he dropped the bags he
was carrying as a hand grabbed at his ass. He tried to get it off him, the
sudden onslaught too much for him. He was still so sore from the previous
evening, every inch of his body hurt, every nerve seemed to scream at the
simple contact. The man had clearly been drinking when he’d been gone, he could
hardly keep upright.
“Shane, I need to put these away.” Carl’s arms pushed at his shoulders.
“Nooppe, you need to stay right here and take off those damn clothes.” Shane
mouthed at his neck, pushing him back against the door.
“C’mon, the stuff will defrost.” He tried to push him again but was surprised
by the sudden slap on his cheek. Harsh fingers grabbed at his chin forcing
himself to look into his eyes, anger shone out, Carl felt himself tremble
slightly. A drunk Shane was never a good thing.
“I thought we dealt with this last night. You fucking belong to me Carl, you do
as I say.” Shane gritted out, digging his nails in deeper to make his point.
“If I tell you to jump, you jump, if I tell you to beg, you beg,” Shane yanked
Carl’s hair back. “...and If I fucking tell you to take your damn clothes off
then you fucking take them off.”
Carl knew there was no reasoning with the man when he was in this mood, if he
wanted to get out of this place without more bruises or broken limbs he knew he
had to play along. Especially after their discussion last night, he had to
think about Negan, keeping him safe. He nodded his head as much as he could
with the punishing grip still on his face. He knew he was right when the grip
loosened, the fingers smoothing over his lips before Shane removed all contact.
He looked at Carl expectantly.
“So strip.”
Carl did as told, mechanical hands removed his shirt, and jeans. He kept his
eyes fixed on the wall behind Shane’s shoulder, he didn’t need to see his
lustful look as he removed his undershirt before finally taking off his boxers.
“Fuckin’ perfect.” Shane spoke before placing a punishing kiss on Carl, tongue
slipping between his lips as he pushed him back towards the couch.
Carl landed hard against the cushions, he hardly had time to react before Shane
shoved his legs apart and crawled between them. Unsteady hands gripped his
dick, pumping him slowly, Carl tried to squirm away from the touch. He didn't
want his hands on him, he tried to roll over, hoping the man would just take
his pleasure and leave him alone. He was too tired to deal with him, too tired
to lay there and pretend he enjoyed what Shane did just so he didn’t get beaten
again.
“Nuh-uh. You stay where I put you.” Shane spoke as he tried to stop Carl moving
around. Carl didn’t listen he kept try to escape from the grip.
“I said STOP.” He shouted, lifting a hand to smack him across the face.
Carl groaned as pain exploded in his face, he could feel a warm wetness
dripping down from his nose. He tried to breathe through it but ended up
choking on blood, all the while Shane keep pulling at his cock trying to make
him hard.
“Why do you make me do that Carl? I hate ruining that gorgeous face of yours?”
He leaned closer to his ear. “You think Negan would wanna see you looking like
that? Covered in your own goddamn blood?”
“Shut...up.” He managed to sputter out between heaving breaths.
“You think Negan’s gonna be upset that his pretty young thing’s gotten all
dirty? That someone got there first? Or does he already know? You use the
things I’ve taught you on him? Sucked his dick all the way down your throat
like I know you can?”
Carl could feel his air cut off as Shane grabbed him around the throat,
squeezing as he spoke.
“What is it baby? Don't you like it?” The hand gripped him tighter, the other
pumping him harder. “Not as good as when Neganfucking does it?”
Carl could feel himself snap as soon as he mentioned his name again. All the
anger and pain he kept bottled up inside himself exploded as he brought a hand
across Shane's face. He relished the shout of pain that escaped the man,
enjoying it even more as another slipped out when he did it again. He pushed
Shane off of him, the man falling to the floor in his drunken, pained state.
He absentmindedly grabbed at his clothes, shoving them on as he darted out of
the living room, he fumbled with the door cursing as the knob slipped in his
grip. Shane’s hard body slammed into him, knocking the air out of his lungs,
the force shoving him flat against the door. He tried to push, he managed to
knock his head back into Shane’s face, the man stumbling back in pain. Carl’s
head spun, the hard impact on his skull making him dizzy, he fumbled again with
the door.
This time Shane grabbed him around the waist and yanked him away from it, he
pinned Carl’s arms to his side as he pulled him along the hall. Carl didn't let
it deter him, he fought as hard as he could, kicked any part of the man that he
could reach.
His hand slammed down to break his fall, he quickly twisted around on the hard
floor, he kicked out as Shane knelt down in front of him. Hands, grabbed at
his, tightening around his wrist, desperation set in as the man squeezed them
into one palm. He had to get free, he couldn't take it, not again. He had to do
it for himself. Carl tried one last time, raising his knee up he shot his foot
out, nearly cheering as he managed to make contact. He heard the shout of pain
but didn't stop to see the effect. He slid out from under him, urging his body
to pull himself up, he stumbled to his feet and finally ran out of the door and
into the night.
He ran down the street, barely noticing the pain in his feet as flesh hit hard
concrete. He needed to get out of sight before Shane came looking for him, he
knew he had a bit of time before the man recovered, Carl hoped the whiskey
would slow him down. As he slowed to a stop he thought about his options, his
first instinct was the call Negan but he had no idea if he’d answer him at this
time. The man could be anywhere. He had no other choice though, he was stuck
out here, he couldn’t go home, couldn’t go back inside to him.
His hands shook as he dialled Negan's number, he was freezing he could see his
breath cloud in front of him as his breath flew out of him. He wiped the blood
that dripped down his nose. He tried again to type out the number on the phone
finally managing to put the right digits in, he hit the green call button. He
pleaded for him to pick it up, his heart sinking with each beep of the ring.
Just as he was about to give up hope a gravelly voice answered the phone.  
“Hello.” He sounded so tired. Carl felt guilt prickle him, he had no idea what
time it was.
“It's Carl.”
“Carl?” The voice sounded more alert. “Are you alright what's up?”
“Yeah. I mean no… could you come pick me up?” He heard his voice break at the
end of the sentence, he willed himself to stop crying.
“Where from? Are you safe?”  Carl heard the sounds of shuffling in the
background.
“Yeah, I think so.” He sniffed, god would his nose ever stop bleeding?
“Where are you? I need the address.”
He told him the street over from Shane’s, the last thing he wanted was for the
two to see each other.
“Alright I’ll be there soon, sit tight.” The man hung up and he was left there
alone. He looked around, making sure Shane wasn’t following before he headed to
the next street. As he arrived at the place where he told Negan to pick him up,
he sat on the edge of the sidewalk. He hadn’t bothered picking up a coat as he
ran out of there, he was shaking in his boxers and a thin shirt, it was all
he’d been able to grab. Looking up he noticed the snowflakes tumbling from the
sky, he turned his head and noticed the light sheen of snow that covered the
floor. It really was beautiful. He wrapped his arms around his legs, and
watched the snow fall. He shoulders shuddering as he tried to control the tears
flooding out of him.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Guess what's coming next?
***** Negan Interlude pt.III *****
Chapter Summary
     Negan didn't want his mind to trickle down that dark path, he wasn't
     sure if he was ready.
Chapter Notes
     Baby chapter! Sorry it's so short but I felt like I needed to break
     the chapter up a bit.
 “Realisation is not acquisition of anything new nor is it a new faculty. It is
                        only removal of all camouflage”
                               ― Ramana Maharshi
===============================================================================
                                        
                              New_Years_Eve_2017
His eyes frantically searched the sidewalk, squinting as he tried to make out
any sign of Carl in the darkness. Hadn't this damn town heard of fucking
streetlights? His fingers tapped on the steering wheel as he grew more and more
frustrated, he couldn't keep his body still, he had been aching to be by Carl's
side since he called him. He'd never heard him sound so desperate, not since
Halloween, Negan's mind ran wild with the thoughts of what could have happened
to him. Just as he was about to ditch the car and fucking run along the street
to find Carl he caught sight of a small figure hunched on the side of the road.
He slammed on his breaks as he pulled up near him. He just about managed to
shove the car in park before he leapt out, running around it to reach him.
Shock slowed his movements, his body freezing on him as he took in the shaking
figure in front of him. Too many questions stirred in his head, each one seemed
just as important as the other. Where are your clothes? What happened? Who the
fuck am I killing tonight? They all swam in his head as he took more and more
of his body in. All his first aid training jumbled in his head as he tried to
figure out if he needed to get him to the hospital.
His stomach turned as Carl finally raised his face from the comfort of his
knees to look at him, it was covered in blood. The most shocking part was the
vacant stare on his face, concealed behind tears, Carl’s eyes seemed to look
right through him. It chilled him to see him so void of emotion, even in his
darkest times he’d always been able to see that spark that made Carl who he
was, he couldn’t see any of it now.
“Carl…” he didn't know what to say, where the fuck do you start? He knelt down
in front of him, the two figures lit up by the headlights of the car, now that
he was closer he could see the bumps along his shivering flesh. God he must be
freezing. Negan quickly shucked his jacket off his shoulders, leaning forward
to wrap it around him. He was startled by the harsh flinch that erupted out of
Carl’s body, confused by how he quickly shuffled his body backwards. Was that
fear on his face? Negan tried to ignore the sting of hurt that flicked through
him at the thought that Carl would ever be afraid of him.
He held his hands up, hoping he’d believe that he wasn’t going to hurt him.
“I just wanna give you my jacket Carl. You’re gonna freeze to death if you stay
like that.”
Carl slowly relaxed back again, eyes still wide, watching him carefully as he
swung the coat over his shoulders. Negan’s eyes were immediately drawn to the
red strips around his wrists as the teen moved his hands to wrap the leather
tighter around himself.
“Can you move?”
A sharp nod was his reply.
“OK, that’s good. Are you alright to get into the car?”
Another nod.
“Good, even better. Let’s go.”
Negan rose up and stepped back giving Carl some space to stand. He turned and
opened the passenger door for him, watching as he tentatively approached the
car. They stood close for a moment, Negan finally getting a chance to have a
better look at him, his eyebrows furrowed as he saw the blood dripping from his
face. His original thought was that it was a nosebleed until he caught sight of
the angry flush to the skin around his nose, definitely caused by a hit to the
face. Anger curled up in him at the thought of someone doing this to Carl. A
hand scrambled in his pocket grabbing a wad of tissues that he always kept on
him.  
“They’re clean I promise. It’ll help stop the bleeding.” He offered them to
Carl, hating the anxious look that covered his face as he took the tissues from
his hand.
He stepped back to let Carl get in the car uninterrupted. He closed the door
once he was safely inside. Negan walked over to the driver’s side, taking the
time to collect himself. He needed to clear his head, he had to be there for
Carl. Whatever had gone on that night had clearly shaken him.
He slid into his own seat, starting up the engine to distract himself from the
tense silence that sat between them for the first time. Even that night on
Halloween hadn’t been this bad, for the first time in his life he was genuinely
lost for words.
“You gonna tell me what happened?” Negan asked.
“Not right now.” Was all Carl said in reply.
Negan sighed, his hands tightened up on the steering wheel, knuckles turning
white under the pressure. He needed to know what had happened to him. Needed to
know why the fuck he was half naked with blood all over himself.
“But later? We’ll talk later right?” He knew he was pushing it but he knew he
had to get some answers tonight or he’d have to resort to more extreme
measures.
“I… do I have a choice?”
That was like a punch to the gut. As if he’d ever force him to do anything he
didn’t want to do. “Yes. Of course, you should damn well know by now that I’d
never force you to say anything you weren’t ready to say.”
No reply came from the teen. Negan flicked his eyes over to him, saw him curl
up against the door, he wasn’t going to get much out of him like this. He
turned his attention to the road, the snow was piling up quickly, if he played
his cards right they’d be home before it got too dangerous.
**********
The car slowed to a stop as they arrived back in the cabin, the silence was
unbearable as the noise from the engine dimmed. They sat there, in silence,
neither knowing quite what to say.
“Are you alright walking?” Negan asked, looking over to him.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“I can help if you need it?”
“No. I’m fine”
“OK, ok. I’ll go open the door. Take all the time you need.” Negan said before
climbing out of the car. He did as he said, walking quickly over to the door to
unlock it just as Carl took his first step out of the car. He looked ready to
fall over at the slightest breeze. Negan’s body urged him forwards, screamed at
him to go help him but he knew his help wouldn’t be welcomed. He didn’t think
he could take Carl looking at him like he had done earlier, the fear tore right
through him. So he watched, body tense as he looked for any sign that Carl
might fall, he’d damn well be there to catch him if he did.
It took awhile but he finally made it to the door, he stopped at the doorway
looking pensive. Negan wondered what was going on his mind, was he scared? Did
he think Negan was going to do something? His mind tried to find the right
thing to say, find anything that would help him feel more at ease but he
realised there was probably nothing that would help, he wasn’t even sure that
Carl was really listening to him right now.
Carl eventually took that step forwards, inching into the house as if he was
waiting for something to jump out at him.
Shutting the door behind him, Negan gave him a wide berth as he kicked off his
shoes and walked over to the fireplace. He had to heat this place up a little
for him, he had no idea how long Carl had been out in the cold that night. As
he fixed the fire he saw Carl creep over to his usual spot on the couch,
sitting down on it, eyes transfixed on the floor, hands still pressing the
tissues to his nose. The sight of the blood stained tissues was a sharp
reminder of his other priority at the time. Leaving the fire to establish
itself he headed into the bathroom to grab the first aid kit he kept there
along with some towels. He hoped he’d grabbed more than he’d ever need but he
wasn’t sure how many more marks were on him.
He placed them on the wooden coffee table in front of Carl, he knew he’d need
some water to help lift the blood from his face so he headed into the kitchen
to pour some warm water into a bowl. Carefully picking it up, Negan walked back
to the table and positioned it next to the towels before sitting himself
amongst the items.
“Carl? I’m gonna need to clean up your wounds now, is that alright?”
There was a tense pause before Carl gave a sharp nod.
“Thank you, can you take the tissues from your face?”
Carl did as he was told. He remained quiet as Negan tended to his wounds, only
the occasional twitch indicating that he felt any kind of pain. Negan wondered
where he head was at, what he was thinking about. He tried to work as quickly
as possible not wanting to inflict anymore pain on him that necessary.
“There’s some blood coming through your shirt Carl, did you get hurt under
there?
“I...uh...I think so.”
Jesus Christ what had this fucker done?
“Can I see?”
Fear flashed on his face again.
“I just wanna make sure you're alright. Remember when I checked your ribs
before? It'll be just like that OK? I'll be quick then you can cover up again.”
For a moment Negan didn't think Carl would let him, his mind was already
working on an alternative way of looking him over. To his surprise Carl shifted
and removed his shirt, he caught the wince of pain as he lifted it over his
shoulders.
Negan nearly threw up at what he saw.
Scratches covered his chest, deep lines that trickled blood down his torso. He
could quite clearly see teeth imprints where they'd dug into his flesh, leaving
angry red marks that were quickly bruising. He could hardly see any white skin
amidst the deep purples and blues, the occasional angry red flushed the skin.
His eyes were drawn down to his hips where dark bruises and crescent-shaped
indents decorated his skin.
His mind started to trickle down a dark path, it was slowly piecing together
everything that had happened over the last few months. Quotes from his teacher
training echoed in his head, instructions for looking out for certain types of
abuse matched up symptoms with a diagnosis. His brain rebelled against it, not
willing to comprehend that something like that could've happened to Carl. Who
could possibly do such a that to him? His parents, although as absent as shit,
seemed to care about him. He definitely didn’t notice any weirdness with them
at Thanksgiving…
...Thanksgiving…
Shane.
He’d been with Shane that night, hell he’d been with him the last couple of
days if Negan remembered correctly. His instincts told him that he’d had
something to do with all this shit, the man was definitely a bit fucked in the
head. His mind recalled the comments he’d made at the table ‘I bet you’d look
damn good in those lil runnin’ shorts.’ He’d passed them off as comments made
by a drunken idiot but now they took on a much darker meaning. Was he the guy
that hurt him? The question lingered on his tongue until he thought better of
it, now was notthe time to be interrogating Carl.
His hands shook with anger as he refocused on his task, dabbing at the wounds
with antiseptic, bandaging up what he could, dabbing cream at what he couldn't.
Tossing bloody towels to one side as he cleaned him up. He checked his ribs for
any breaks, thanking God when he didn't find any. He didn't want Carl to have
to deal with that particular pain on top of everything else.
He worked quickly, finishing up before Carl got too uncomfortable.
“All done.” He gave him a small smile, hoping to reassure him. All Carl did in
response was grab his bloody shirt and cling it to his chest, refusing to make
eye contact with him.
“I’m gonna go grab you some fresh clothes Carl, I won’t be long OK?”
No response.
Negan sighed as stood. He jogged up the stairs, not wanting to leave him alone
any longer that he absolutely had to. He headed straight to his chest of
drawers, opening the first one so he could shuffle through his sweats. They’d
be the best option for him, nothing too tight to hurt him. He grabbed the
sweatshirt that he’d leant him once, when they’d gone for a hike, his heart
warmed as he thought of that day.
He took a moment to lean against the chest, taking a deep breath, trying to
calm the emotions raging through him. He wasn't used to feeling so damn
helpless, he had no fucking idea how to bring Carl out of this comatose state
he was in. Every time his vacant eyes met his he felt more and more desperate
to help him. His instinct was go out hunting until he figured out exactly what
the fuck had happened to him. Go out with his bat and beat anyone that stood in
his damn way, just hit, hit, and hit until he got the answer he wanted. Anger
was how he’d always dealt with things, if he didn’t get what he wanted he’d
scream and shout at the world until he got it. Part of the reason his marriage
broke down was because of the anger, Lucille couldn’t handle his inability to
control himself when he got pissed. It was why he moved to this damn place, the
stress of running such a big team exacerbating the anger inside of him.
Carl had helped to change all that, he calmed the storm in a way that only
whiskey had been able to do before. Everytime he was with him it was a break
from the constant beast that raged inside of him,  the affection he felt for
Carl was a welcome distraction in his moments of anger and frustration. Now he
wanted nothing more than to do the same for Carl, be a lifejacket for him in
whatever pool of darkness that he seemed to be drowning in.
He took another deep breath, resisting the urge to down a few shots of whisky
first, he headed back down the stairs gripping the clothes tightly in his
hands. Carl hadn’t moved since he’d left him, his eyes focused on the wall,
arms wrapped tightly around his legs as he bundled himself into the corner of
the couch. He looked so damn small.
He cleared his throat, making his steps more pronounced as he walked down the
final few steps, he didn’t want to startle him anymore tonight. He wasn’t sure
if he’d succeeded. Carl’s head didn’t move from it’s position, his eyes didn’t
shift from that spot on the wall.
“Carl…?” He quietly asked. No response. He walked closer, standing in Carl’s
line of vision, he held out the clothes to him. “Here, they might be a bit big
on you but they should do for now.”
Carl finally looked at him, eyes seeming to focus on anywhere but his face. He
reached out a tentative hand to take the clothing from him.
“I’ll...uh...go to the kitchen. You can change in here...or the bathroom. Take
whatever time you need, you can leave the bloody bits in the hamper I’ll sort
them later.” Negan said, backing away from him to head into the kitchen. He was
at a loss of what to do, he adamantly kept his head facing away from the living
room, not wanting Carl to feel uncomfortable. He could make coffee, but that
would just make the both of them more jittery than before. He thought about
making them something to eat, but quickly dismissed the idea. Carl already
looked on the verge of spewing his guts out, he himself wasn't sure if he could
eat with the thoughts about what had been happening to him rushing through his
mind.
He remembered back to Halloween, remembered the hot chocolate he’d made for
him, it seemed to help then so maybe it would do something now. Thinking it was
worth a shot he grabbed a couple of mugs and started whipping a couple up. As
he was heating the milk he heard the bathroom door shut, at least Carl was up
and moving around. The door opened again just as he was swirling the mixture in
the mugs. He took them by the handles and carried them into the living room.
Carl was curled up in the corner again, swamped in Negan’s clothes.
“I made you some hot chocolate. Thought it might help you warm up a little
bit.” He placed his own mug on the table, turning Carl’s around to offer him
the handle, ignoring the burning as the heat poured through the mug and onto
his hand. He was relieved when Carl took it off him, maybe he was coming back
to himself, the tremor in his hand wasn’t as bad as it was when he had grabbed
his clothes.
“Thanks.” Negan was overjoyed to hear his voice again, as sore as it sounded.
“No problem.”
They sat in silence, sipping at their mugs to distract from the inevitable
discussion. Carl clearly wasn’t ready to talk. Negan wasn’t sure if he was
ready to hear it, he could explain away the bruises, he knew how to handle it
when someone was being beaten. It wasn’t pleasant but God knows he’d dealt with
enough punches to know how to help with them. The other marks were proving
difficult for his mind to comprehend. The bite marks, the rope burn around his
wrists, the unmistakable finger shaped bruises that he’d seen on his hips as he
cleaned him up. His mind didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to conceive that
Carl had been hurt in that way. It was unchartered territory, he was out of his
depth, the helplessness surrounded him. His biggest concern was letting Carl
down, if he was right Carl was gonna need him, need someone. He was fucking
terrified that he’d do or say the wrong thing and ruin their relationship
forever.
“Negan…?” A small voice broke the silence.
“Yeah?”
“Could...I need...could you talk to me?” He eventually got out. “Tell me
something please...anything.”
Therewas a request that he wasn’t expecting. His mind raced as he tried to
figure a topic out, something safe, something easy. Something funny? He had no
idea. 
“Right, shit, yeah OK. I can do that. I ever tell you about the time I fucked
up Lucille’s birthday? No? Shit that’s surprising cos that’s a good one.” He
tried to act normal, maybe that would help, get things back to how they usually
were. “So, I thought it’d be a great idea to surprise her. Now this was back
before we were even living together, so I decided to go round her place a
surprise her with some balloons, presents, that kind of mushy shit. I use the
key she gave me and walked right in there, singing and dancing, throwing the
balloons around, wishing her a happy birthday. Only to realise that she was
with her parents, who kindly told me that her birthday wasn’t for another
fucking month. That was the first time I met them and they hated me every
second after that. No matter how much I hit them with my outstanding charm,
they always remembered me as the idiot that couldn’t remember their daughter's
birthday.”
“What did Lucille think?” Carl looked a bit brighter in the face, not quite
smiling but his eyes seemed to be coming back to life.
“She loved it.” He chuckled to himself remembering how they’d laughed all about
it, that day becoming her unofficial birthday. “She always loved that kinda
shit, she had a great sense of humor, and she always saw the good in people.”
“She sounds great.”
“Yeah, she was.”
“Do you wish you were still together.”
“Honestly? No. We were bad for each other. We took so much from one another
that we hardly recognised who we were anymore and now… now I have someone in my
life who makes me feel like I'm the man I once was.” He looked Carl in the eyes
hoping that he'd understand exactly who is was talking about, wanting to convey
exactly how much he meant to him, how much he'd always mean to him no matter
what.
He saw Carl swallow as tears appeared in his eyes again. Negan could see that
little spark appearing again, could finally recognise his Carl in the depths of
his eyes. Maybe now was a good time to try.
“What…” he began tentatively. “What happened Carl?”
***** The Confession *****
Chapter Notes
     All I can say is thank you to everyone that's commented! I'm
     overwhelmed by the response to the last chapter! I was going through
     a bit of a lull with my writing, generally hating everything that I
     was writing, but you guys have literaly given me life with it again.
     I do read every single one and I love them all!
     It's another fairly short chapter but I really wanted to focus on the
     characters and their conversations. I didn't want to detract from
     anything by putting in more scenes.
     I really hope you all like it!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul,
   you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so
meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so
                                    long.”
                                ― Sylvia Plath
                                 January_2018
 
“What happened Carl?”
Three little words.
What. Happened. Carl.
Such simple words that didn’t have a simple answer.
What had happened Carl? He asked himself. How did you get here Carl? What
happened to you? No answers swirled in his head. He had no idea. He had no idea
how things had gotten so damn bad.
Carl couldn’t find the words, he could feel his mouth open and shut at each
attempt to speak. How do you say it? How do you describe years of pain, abuse,
and torment? How could he ever summarise what he went through? It was beyond
words, beyond description. How do you describe being torn apart and left to
piece yourself back together time and time again? How do you describe feeling
so alone, so abandoned by everyone around you that you felt like there was no
reason to exist?
Did he even want to tell him?
The question encroached on his thoughts, he could tell a lie, he was so used to
doing so he could make it believable. He could tell him that he went out and
got assaulted by some random guy, not great but easier than the reality.
Less questions.
He almost started talking, the lie lingering on his tongue, until he looked up
into Negan’s eyes. Those eyes. He was expecting them to convey pity, a
disappointment that Carl could let something like this happen to him, but all
he found was kindness and concern. That was all Negan had ever shown him, he’d
only ever been kind to him, never expecting anything in return for it. Time and
time again he’d been there for Carl whether the problem was big or small, he’d
helped him through it. When no one else was there to listen he was.
Maybe now he’d listen again. 
It wasn’t that he felt like he owed it to Negan. That he wanted to tell him out
of some sense of repaying him for being there. He wanted to tell him because he
wanted him to know. He wanted Negan to know everything about him, wanted to
explain that there was a perfectly good reason for being so fucked up. That he
used to be a good kid, someone different, someone who didn’t flinch at the
slightest touch. That this thing had changed him, mutated him into someone that
he didn’t necessarily recognise. 
He knew he had to do it now or he’d never have the courage to do it, everything
had been building up to this moment. It was like he was running at a cliff’s
edge ready to jump off, hoping that Negan would catch him as he fell. 
“New Year's, a couple of years ago…” He started, still unsure where he was
going with it. “Shane stayed over, he always does...always gets too drunk to
head home so he crashes in the spare room. He’d passed out earlier than usual
that year so things wrapped up pretty quickly, we all went to bed early, not
bothering to ring the new year in or anything.”
Carl sniffed again, shaking hands raising the tissue that he'd been clinging
onto up to his face again as he felt some more droplets of blood fall out. He
closed his eyes as the memories filled him, he could remember feeling hungry as
he went to bed, he hadn’t really eaten that afternoon, too busy playing games
with Shane and his Dad. He wanted to hit his past self as he thought about how
he’d gone downstairs to grab a snack, maybe things would have been so different
if he hadn’t had gone down there.
“I woke up early in the morning, before everyone else was up, I was hungry so I
went to grab a snack. Just some peanut butter, my favorite.” He hadn’t been
able to eat it since, the taste sending vomit soaring up his throat as it sent
his brain throttling back to that night. “Shane… he woke up. Found me in the
kitchen, he was still drunk, thought I was my Mom. He started saying things,
stupidshit, I passed him off as drunk and ignored it. I should have known
better. He…”  
Carl wasn’t sure if he could say the words, let them spill out. He swallowed,
trying to keep control of his stomach, fresh tears flooded his eyes, distorting
his speech.
“He kissed me… on the lips, kept talking about how much I looked like my Mom. I
pushed him away, I tried to push him away.” He corrected. “You have to believe
me Negan I tried to keep him away but I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough...” He
was earnest in his pleas, he needed him to believe him, needed him to know that
he hadn’t wanted it. That he’d tried to fight it. “... I couldn’t stop him...he
pushed me down...he…” he almost choked on the words.
“It’s OK Carl, you don’t have to say it.” Negan’s voice was so heartbreakingly
soft, Carl couldn’t bring himself to look at him.
“I have to. I needto say it.” He said.  
“Alright, whenever you’re ready, I’m listening.”
He took a deep breath, trying to muster up whatever strength he had left.
“He raped me.” A mixture of terror and relief filled him as the words left his
mouth. There it was. Bomb dropped. It was out there in the open, it felt like
he’d sliced himself open, leaving himself exposed for everyone to see.
Vulnerable. Terrified. “I couldn’t make sense of it. I think I was in shock, I
tried so hard to deny it, move past it. Shane was so normal the next day that I
thought my brain made it up. I couldn’t tell anyone, I tried to tell my Dad but
the words just dried up in my mouth. How would he ever believe me? How could I
expect him to believe me when I hardly believed myself? So I didn’t think about
it, I kept it to myself, fell apart on my own. Questioned everything about that
night in my mind until I thought I was gonna go crazy. Then it happened again,
and again, and again. For two years he raped me over and over, for two years my
parents handed me over on a platter for him to do what he liked with me and
they didn’t even realise it.”
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ.” Negan's voice was muffled by his hands that covered his
face. He couldn’t believe the words that were falling out of the boy’s mouth.
Couldn't believe that he'd been forced to go through this on his own. Couldn't
believe that his parents couldn't fucking see what was going on right under
their damn noses. Something beyond anger ripped through him as he thought about
that fucking bastard. Negan tried to calm himself, there would be time for that
later, now… now he needed to be there for Carl, he was more important than
anything.
“Carl…” He didn’t know what to say. His heart broke for him, tore in his chest
as tear-filled blue eyes finally met his.
“Do...do you believe me?” A small voice asked. He needed to know that he
believed him, needed to know that the man wasn’t going to turn on him.
“Yes...yes God yes Carl. I believe you.” Negan wanted to wrap his arms around
him, protect him for the rest of his life. His hands darted forward, flailing
in the air as his mind tried to decide if it would be appropriate to touch him.
He remembered how Carl had reacted to his touch earlier, barely allowing him to
clean the wounds. He settled for resting them on his own knees, gripping them
to stop himself just pulling Carl into his arms.
Carl almost sank to the floor in relief, a sob escaping him. He believed him .
That was all he needed, all he ever wanted to know. His hand trembled as it
stretched out to take Negan’s, fingers curling around it, squeezing hard as he
tried to gather strength from him. He felt the man’s other hand cover it,
cradling the small hand between them bringing them up to his lips, trying to
give as much comfort as he could. Carl leaned in closer, resting his head on
Negan’s knees as the sobs wracked his body. He believed him. He believed him.
He believed him. It ran like a mantra in his head, swirling and swirling,
trying to embed itself deep into his brain. He believed him.
“Oh...Carl.” He heard the man whisper, felt his head come to meet his, resting
his forehead on the back of his head. They sat there in the moment, hearts torn
open, emotions run raw, they sat and held each other as they shared in the pain
that Carl had buried in his soul for so long.
**********
When his tears ran dry, he let his head rest in his lap, taking deep breaths to
calm himself. He could feel himself getting worked up again, his initial relief
slowly being edged out by panic. There was still so much he hadn’t told him,
sure he was kind now but what about when he found out about Shane’s threats?
Would he still care about him if he knew the amount of times he found pleasure
under Shane’s hands?
“You OK Carl?” Negan asked, feeling him tense up under his hands.
Carl rose up, lifting his head from his lap, he rubbed his face as he thought
about what to tell him next.
“We don’t have to talk about it anymore Carl, we can talk about whatever you
want, or not talk. It may surprise you but I’m really damn good at the whole
not talkin’ thing.”
“I just… I guess I just don't know what to say.”
“You don't have to say anything. We can just sit here and hang, or you can go
to sleep if you feel like it, or we can talk. Whatever you want I’m here and
I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Negan curled his hand around Carl’s again, giving it a
reassuring squeeze.
“Thank you.” Carl said. Gratitude filled him, he was almost worried that Negan
would bombard him with questions now that he knew what was going on. He could
feel them hanging in the air, could see them on his face. He wasn’t sure if he
was ready for them. It had been hard enough telling him what happened, saying
those words nearly destroyed him. It was the first time he’d ever said those
words out loud, even in his own mind he’d never used those words. Saying them
out loud  made it all more real.
He’d been raped.
Shane raped him.
It was like his mind was finally ready to accept that fact.
“Carl…”
He snapped his attention back to Negan.
“....have you ever...told anyone what happened?”
Guilt struck at him, it seemed that one simple question from Negan incited
another ten in his mind. Too many to answer at once. He tried to focus himself
on the one, grounding himself to Negan and his voice.
“No...I...I just never thought I could, never thought anyone would believe me.”
He said. He’d never really considered it, it seemed like Shane knew every time
he was thinking of telling someone. He’d drip his poison into his ear, told him
so often that everyone would reject him, think him a liar, that he started to
believe him.
“Not even your parents?”
“They were more than friends with Shane, he’s like...family to us. They always
seemed closer to him...I guess I just thought they’d prefer to believe him over
me. That’s what Shane always said anyways.”
“That motherfucker.” Carl could sense Negan getting angry again, although the
irony of his words made him chuckle.
“What’s so funny?” Negan asked.
“It’s not funny, I don’t know maybe it is in some twisted way.” Carl said. “He
and my Mom, they...uh...had an affair at some point. I dunno when, it was all
he could talk about when he first started...first started raping me.” He
quickly sobered up the more he spoke, the laughter ebbing away. “It was why he
did it, I think. He wanted her but couldn’t have her so he took me instead.”
“Fuckin’ sick fuck.”
“Yeah, I never really understood it, he thought we looked alike. Then it became
different, he stopped mentioning her, it was almost like he fell in love with
me instead. He became more affectionate, tried it make it seem more....more
like a relationship.” Vomit licked at his throat as he spoke, his skin crawled
as he remembered all the times he tried to make love to him. How Shane liked to
pretend that Carl had seduced him , that Carl wanted every single bit of what
he gave him. “He made me...God… he made me like it. He always wanted me to
enjoy it as much as he did. I hated it, you have to believe me Negan, I hated
every second of it. Every time he...he made me...come...” He practically choked
on the last word as it fell out of his mouth. He could feel the tears take over
as shame hit him in full force. Shame that he couldn’t stop his body from
finding pleasure amidst all the pain. He could recall all the humiliation that
he suffered at Shane’s hands, he looked down at the floor, no longer wanting to
look Negan in the eyes. “I hated it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t.”
"Carl…” Negan could feel his heart break in two all over again, just how much
had that monster made him suffer? “It’s OK-”
“How is it OK? How could it possibly ever be OK? I enjoyedit Negan, sometimes
it felt good just not to feel the pain anymore.”
“Carl that doesn’t change the fact that it’s rape-”
“How? How does it not? If I didn’t want it then I wouldn’t have gotten any
pleasure out of it Negan.” His frustration made him angry, angry with his own
body for confusing him like this.
“It doesn’t work like that Carl. It was a physical reaction, nothing more. It’s
like feeling pain when you touch a bruise, you don’t want to feel the pain but
it’s still there, you can’t deny it. It does not mean that you wanted it. It
means that Shane was a fucking sick fuck who was trying to convince himself
that he wasn’t a fucking rapist. It’s still rape, it’ll alwaysbe rape no matter
how much Shane might try and convince you otherwise.”
Carl took a moment to think through his words, they challenged all the thoughts
he’d ever had, mitigated the shame he felt as he thought about his reactions.
He rubbed his face again, as much as he could without irritating his bruises.
He felt so tired. His brain was jumbled, that night confusing him beyond
reason, so much had happened it was hard to wrap his brain around it.
“You may not believe me now Carl but it’s the truth.”
“Shane...he always said it meant that I wanted him… I always thought
that...that maybe deep down he was right.” He flushed in embarrassment. “He had
so much more experience than I do, I thought he knew something I didn’t. Maybe
I hadled him on or something”
“It’s a normal reaction Carl, no one would think any differently because of
it.”
“Really?”
“Christ yes, no one with a brain would think you’d fucking want anything like
this and I’ll quite happily fuck anyone up that would dare fuckin’ think
otherwise.”
“Good to know.”
“Anytime, anywhere.” Negan said. “I’ve got your back.”
In that moment Carl knew that he meant it. His body warmed at the words, his
injuries seeming less painful as he basked in the knowledge that he’d always
have him by his side.
“Thank you.” He whispered.
“You never have to thank me for anything Carl.” Negan replied.
“I do, I don’t deserve this…” He thought back to Shane’s threats. What he
threatened to do to Negan if Carl went against him, and still he’d done it. He
might as well have put Negan in a jail cell himself. “Shit, Negan I’m so sorry,
so sorry.”
“Whoa whoa, why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“But I have. Shane...he...he said if I ever said no, then he’d hurt you. Get
you thrown into jail. I knew that and I still went against him, God I
punchedhim.” His mind raced with the thoughts of what Shane might do, he knew
what he was like, he’d probably pissed him off even more with his actions
tonight. His heart hurt as he realised the man might do something worse.
“I mean first of all well fuckin’ done for punching him, I’ve never been more
proud of anyone in my life. Second, you have no damn reason for bein’ sorry, I
can handle a guy like Shane-”
“He’s a cop-” Carl protested.
“I don’t give a shit Carl. If he wants to fuckin’ have a go at me then he can
do his damn worst. I’d rather take any hit or punch, fuck I’d rather spend the
rest of my life in jail on some trumped up charges than think of that man
laying a single finger on you again.”
“Negan… I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking, I’m telling you. Whatever that shithead threatens I can
take it.”
Carl sighed, this was nothow it was all supposed to go. Why couldn’t he have
just been stronger and stayed with Shane? He only had a few more months until
college he could have dealt with it until then. At least Negan would have been
safe.
“Don’t sigh at me Carl, you mean more to me than anything that bastard can
throw at me.”
He nearly cried at his words, God he really was a wreck. “I really don’t
deserve you.” Carl said, voice distorted by tears.
“Yes you do, you deserve more than a guy like me.”
Carl leaned into the hand that brushed a errant tear away from his face, taking
in the warmth on his cheek. He covered the hand with his own keeping it tight
against him, breathing in his reassuring scent. “You’re a pretty amazing guy to
me.” He said, finally releasing his hand.
“You’re just bein’ nice because I let you wear my sweatshirt again.” He teased.
“True, I’m only ever here for the sweatshirts.” Carl laughed.
“Do you think you can get some sleep?” Negan asked.
“I dunno…” He wasn’t lying, he was exhausted but he still couldn’t stop his
brain from working at 100mph. Just as he couldn’t stop the sting of worry as he
thought about Shane and what the next day might bring.
“Maybe you should try, you’re bound to need some sleep after everything.”
“Yeah… you’re probably right.”
“I always am.” Negan said.
Carl choked out a laugh, at least some things never change. More relief seeped
through him, at least Negan wasn’t any different, maybe he didn’t think any
differently of him now he knew. The thought of Negan thinking of him as nothing
more than a broken, damaged, kid tore at his heart. Only time would tell if
that was the case but, at least for now, Negan was his normal self.
“C’mon you can sleep in my bed tonight, no way are you sleeping on that damn
couch with those bruises.”
“It’s fine I’m good here.” He really didn’t want to put him out anymore than he
had already, and God knows he’d had more than enough comfortable nights on that
very couch.
“Not up for discussion Carl, you’re sleeping in that damn bed.”
“I’m not gonna win this one am I?”
“No chance.”
“Right.” He tried to raise up off the couch, quickly abandoning his movement as
pain ricocheted through him. He wheezed as his ribs protested, he squeezed an
arm across them, cursing himself when that just sent another strike of pain
through him.
“You know maybe the couch is the better idea, I dunno if I can get up the
stairs.” Carl panted out.
“I could always carry you?” Negan offered.
A deadly glare from Carl was the only reply.
“I’ll help you up OK? We'll take it nice and slow.” He stood in front of him,
hand outstretched to Carl.
Carl nodded in return, trying to brace himself for the pain, he gripped Negan’s
hand firmly in his and used it to slowly get to his feet. He leaned against him
as he breathed through the pain, taking strength from him.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, just need a minute.”
“Take as long as you need, I’ve got you.”
“OK, let’s do this.” He said as he caught his breath.
Together they moved slowly, inching towards the stairs. Negan’s arm wrapped
around his waist as they headed up them, cradling him close to help him up.
Each step was a small torture made easy by the constant stream of jokes that
spilled from Negan’s mouth.
“If you keep making me laugh we’re never gonna make it to the top.” He said, as
they reached the halfway point.
“Sorry, can’t help my mouth sometimes.”
Carl laughed at him. “Don’t worry I like your mouth.” He blushed as he realised
exactly what he’d just said. At least he could still make an idiot out of
himself.
“I like yours too.” Was all he said in reply, chuckling along with him.
After a lot more pain, effort, and cheesy jokes from Negan they made it to his
bedroom. Negan helped him settle into the bed, overly fussing with blankets and
pillows.
“Negan, I’m fine, as comfortable as I’ll ever be like this.”
“OK, good, just makin’ sure. I’ll head downstairs, I’ll be on the couch if you
need me, just shout.”
Carl grabbed his arm as he turned to leave. Turning his eyes up to his.
“Will...will you stay? I...don’t know if I’m ready to be on my own yet.”
He knew he was being needy, but he wasn’t wrong, he wasn’t ready to be on his
own with his thoughts.
“Yeah...sure...I’ll make a lil nest for myself on the chair. Don’t worry I
won’t go anywhere.”
More guilt stabbed at him, making him sleep in a ridiculously small chair just
because he didn’t want to be on his own. He contemplated telling him to sleep
next to him, his mind wanted him there, wanted to curl up in his arms and feel
protected for the first time in years. His body wasn’t ready yet, he wasn’t
even sure if his mind wanted him there really, not with Shane so present in
there.
“Thank you.”
His usual charming, soft smile spread across his face, sending pleasant tingles
all over him again.
“Anytime Carl.”
Carl curled up on his side, facing Negan. He watched him drag a pillow from the
bed and sink down into the old lounge chair, he heard it squeak as he wriggled
to get comfortable. His eyes fluttered closed as sleep overwhelmed him, Negan’s
face being the last thing he saw as he drifted off.
Chapter End Notes
     As a sidenote, I volunteer as a support worker for people who have
     been victims of a crime. As part of that I do support a lot of people
     of have suffered sexual abuse from a variety of ages. I just wanted
     to share this with you so you guys don't think that I've made up what
     I've written or that the things Carl is thinking and feeling is
     overdramatised because they're all things that I've experienced
     through my conversations with these people. I wanted to do justice to
     the real life feelings of abuse victims (I hate the word victim but
     I'll use it in this context.) and how easy it is for offenders to
     warp their minds.
***** New Year, New Problems *****
Chapter Notes
     New chapter for you all! I'm so sorry this one's been a bit delayed.
     I literally wrote a whole chapter out hated it, then wrote a new one.
     I'm so glad you all liked the previous one, I wanted it to be as
     perfect as it could be. This chapter focuses a little more on Negan
     and Carl than I originally planned but I felt like I wanted to play
     out their new dymanic. It was originally more fluffy but I figured
     that was a bit unrealistic given the circumstances. So things are
     more angsty now, with a tad more depth to their relationship and
     what's going on in their heads. Also we're back on the 9,000 words
     chapters so this one should keep you going for awhile!
     As always I love the comments and kudos they make my day <3 Thank you
     so much for reading and I hope you enjoy!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
                                - Walt Whitman
===============================================================================
                                        
                              New_Years_Day_2018
 
Negan didn’t get a single second of sleep that night.
Carl’s voice echoed in his head, “He raped me.” It ran through his mind over
and over again like a mantra on repeat, a constant reminder of the conversation
they’d had that night. Each time it played he wanted to hit himself, wanted to
beat the shit out of his past self for not realising what was happening sooner.
Memories played out like a movie in his brain, he frantically searched them for
any hint of what was happening to Carl. Small things, insignificant moments
that he’d passed off suddenly became more poignant, strange bruises that he
told himself were just accidental, hickey’s that he’d passed off as being from
a secret girlfriend that he didn’t know about, the painful tension he’d sensed
between Shane and Carl at Thanksgiving, it all piled together to fit into the
puzzle. It seemed so damn obvious, how the fuck had he missed it? Anger at
himself surged up within him, his body tensed in the chair, nails dug into his
palms as he scrunched his hand up. The pain was the only release from the rage
inside him that so desperately yearned for an outlet.
He knew he’d never sleep like this, he was far too wired, far too tempted to
hunt Shane down and make him regret even looking at Carl. He knew he’d be able
to find him, he was sure that Carl hadn’t run too far from where he’d been
staying when Negan had picked him up, the damage on his feet not nearly bad
enough to be from a long distance. All Negan would have to do is drive around a
little more, cover some more ground, the area was fairly sparse from what Negan
remembered so it shouldn’t be too hard to find a house in the area. He’d find
him that was certain. His mind provided helpful images about what he’d do to
him, his toes almost curled in pleasure as he thought about slamming his bat
down onto his head. His cries of pain, pleads for him to stop would be music to
his ears. Negan knew he wouldn’t stop, that fucker didn’t stop so why would he?
He’d keep hitting, feel the warmth of blood hit his own face as he destroyed
him. The fantasy pulled him in, it almost had him up and out of the door with
his bat. It’d be worth driving in this goddamn snow if it meant he could give
Carl peace in this world.
Carl.
The one thing that stopped him from moving out of the chair, part of the reason
he knew he wouldn’t sleep like this. He couldn’t leave him, he’d promised he’d
stay there with him, watch over him whilst he slept and he’d never want let him
down again. So he sat there, stewing in his own anger, watching as Carl’s chest
rose and fell with each breath. He looked so damn peaceful, it was like the
first night he stayed with him, his face was relaxed for once, not a single bit
of tension appeared on it. Now he knew why that tension had been there, if only
he’d known back then. Maybe he should have pushed more, he’d known something
had been wrong, he’d just assumed it was crappy parenting. Maybe if he’d asked
him more, made him feel more comfortable then he might have told him what was
going on. How many nights of horrific abuse could he have saved him from?
A surge of vomit hit his throat as he thought about all the times he could have
saved him, all the opportunities he’d missed to realise what was going on. He
just about made it to the bathroom before he threw up that night’s dinner.
Negan slumped against the wall by the toilet, panting heavily as his mind
reminded him of all the times Carl had come in with fresh bruises, a face that
was more absent than usual, a new limp that Carl had said was because he’d run
too much. He thought back to the time he’d seen Carl limping across the parking
lot, that was after that damn talk Shane had given the school. He remembered
leaving him in the gym with Shane to go coach the fucking football team.
Something must have happened then, right under his damn nose, in his fucking
gym. More acid burned his throat as bile hit the toilet. Had he missed any
signs there? That time on the field when Shane had led him off the pitch to go
to dinner with his family, had he taken him off to… he retched again into the
bowel. He shuddered and tried to stop himself thinking about it. That time he
found them in the bathroom at Carl’s house. He squeezed his eyes shut against
the images of Shane wrapping his fucking hands around Carl, seeing him smooth a
hand across his shoulder. He gagged again his body shook again as it tried to
bring anything up. How many times had Carl begged for him to stay in his head?
How many times had Negan failed him?
Breathing hard he sat back against the wall, bringing his knees up to rest his
arms on them. He dragged a towel down from the rack to the side of him, the
soft cotton a blessing against his face. He breathed into it, inhaling the
familiar scent of the laundry powder, he almost laughed at his thoughts. Stupid
fucking thing to focus on. You gotta pull yourself together Negan, this isn’t
about you and your fucking pity party. He sat there for a moment, waiting for
his stomach to settle. As soon as he was sure he wasn’t about to heave over the
toilet again he used the towel rack to pull himself up. He slowly crept back
into the bedroom, resisting the urge to go downstairs and grab the bottle of
whisky he knew was waiting for him, the last thing Carl needed was another
drunk guy around him. He sat back in the chair, why the fuck had he even bought
this damn thing? It was like sitting on a bag of fucking nails, and it was
tiny, he wasn’t a large guy by any means and he could barely fit in the damn
thing. He shuffled back into the chair, throwing the blanket he’d grabbed over
his legs as he closed his eyes, he needed to get some sleep if he was going to
be any use to Carl in the morning.
Easier said than done, it took him ten minutes of trying before he gave up on
the idea of getting any shut eye that night. Every single time he closed his
eyes he could see Carl and Shane, images of Carl being pinned down and hurt by
that monster. He was haunted by thoughts of Carl crying out for Negan to help
him only to be ignored. Shifting again in the chair, he resigned himself to a
restless night, at least he’d be able to look out for Carl. If he had any
nightmares, woke up in the middle of the night wanting to talk or whatever,
Negan would be there for him. He’d been through so much it was the least Negan
could do for him.
The more he sat the more he thought about his own actions towards Carl. He’d
been kicking himself for the last week over kissing him, he’d already classed
their relationship as inappropriate especially given the less than fucking
decent thoughts he’d had about him. Kissing him had made it a thousand times
worse, it wasn’t just crossing the line it was shitting on it as he took a
running leap over it. It wasn’t so much about him getting into trouble if they
were caught but he hated the thought that people would look at Carl differently
if they knew his Coach had been making moves on him. Knowing what he knows now,
he wondered whether what Shane had done had influenced their relationship at
all. He had no idea how Shane had messed with his head, had he only kissed him
out of some obligation or had he really wanted to do it? Did Carl genuinely
have feelings for him or was he just picking up on Negan’s own inclinations? He
quickly dismissed that last thought, at the very least he’d always kept his
feelings under control around him. He made a promise to himself to keep a
distance in the future, keep any romantic elements out of their relationship
until they both knew what Carl wanted. Fuck, until they both knew what they
wanted, even Negan was confused by his feelings. He wasn’t going to lie, Carl
was attractive, thinking about screwing him didn’t exactly come as a surprise
to him but the feelings that had grown were definitely a shock to the system.
It wasn’t love...not yet anyways, it was more of a feeling of finding someone
that matched him, someone that he couldn’t help but want to be around all the
damn time.
Negan shook his head. He was really a fucking mess.
**********
A sharp pain in his side woke him that morning, Carl winced as he shifted on
the mattress trying to find a position that didn’t irritate his body. No such
luck there. No matter how much he moved around his ribs wouldn’t stop aching.
Instead he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and opened them up, they landed on
Negan who was still sat in his chair. He couldn’t believe he’d actually stayed
there all night, as guilty as Carl felt about asking him to stay on the chair
he couldn’t stop the warmth spread through him knowing that Negan cared enough
to do it.
“Mornin’” Negan’s voice sounded more hoarse than usual. His usually bright eyes
seemed dull this morning, dark purple encircled them, Carl wondered how much
sleep he got last night, guilt ate at him, was he the reason that he’d been
kept awake?
“Morning.” He eventually replied.
An awkward silence fell between them, Carl had no idea what to say, how do you
follow up on a conversation like last night? He looked down at his fingers,
absentmindedly twiddling them to distract himself from the awkwardness.
“I’m sorry.” Carl started, it felt like all he could do was apologise. “For
taking your bed away, it can’t have been comfortable sleeping on that chair.”
“Carl you don’t have to apologise, I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want
to.”
“Right…”
Unnatural silence fell between them again, Carl wondered if they’d ever get
back to their usual ease, he was ready for this awkwardness to be over. Anxiety
curled within him, trickling doubts into his mind, had he ruined everything
between them when he told him about Shane? He shifted again on the bed, he
couldn’t get comfortable, he’d never felt so out of place. Not just physically
but everything inside himself felt wrong, like something had changed within
himself and he couldn’t figure out if it was for the better or not. He was so
lost in his thoughts that he didn’t see Negan move, it wasn’t until he felt the
mattress shift under the man’s weight that he realised he was sat in front of
him.
“Ribs still givin’ you trouble?”
“Little bit, just twinges.”
“I’ll grab some aspirin for you, it’ll help ease it off. Your nose looks
better.” Negan reached out to tilt his face, brown eyes looking it over.
“Definitely less angry. How are you feeling?”
“Other than the twinges I’m all good.” Carl said. He hoped his body would heal
quickly this time, he really wasn’t look forward to constant pain whenever he
moved.
“I didn’t mean physically.” Negan clarified. “How are you doing?”
“I dunno.” Carl looked away from him again. “Different. Kinda out of place.”
“I guess that’s normal, shit I don’t know, I’m probably talkin’ outta my ass
here.”
“Don’t worry I wouldn’t expect anything different from you.” Carl said with a
slight grin on his face, maybe the key was to try to be normal again, force
them back to how they used to be.
“Good to know you’re still a charmer.” Negan grinned back at him, it didn’t
quite reach his eyes like it normally did, the small creases that usually made
Carl’s heart skip a beat not quite appearing in the corners. Still it was
better than the awkward silence that had been between them. “Anyways, you
should go take a bath and I’ll go make us some breakfast.”
“A bath? You tryna tell me I smell?”
“Is that not obvious?” Negan deadpanned. “It’ll help with those twinges, I’ve
got some special stuff that’ll help your muscles relax. It’s supposed to be for
sporting injuries but I’m sure it’ll be fine here.”
“It’s worth a shot.” Carl gave a weak smile as he pulled the bedcovers off
himself and scooted to the edge of the bed. Negan stood up beside him.
“You need a hand?” He offered one out.
Carl shook his head at him.
“I’ll be fine, just need a minute.”
“Alright, I’ll go run that bath, you take your time.”
Carl watched him leave, he was slower than normal, like he’d aged 20 years in
the last 12 hours. He could almost feel his heart break at the sight knowing
that he’d caused it. He’d added this horrible weight onto his shoulders that
Negan was now forced to carry around. He hoped the man didn’t regret inviting
him into his life although Carl was certain that if Shane followed through on
his threat then he would, regardless of what he may have said the previous
night. The sound of rushing water reminded him of what he was actually supposed
to be doing, he put a bit of pressure on his feet the scratches on them
protesting the extra weight. Thankfully not too painful but he’d have to be
careful as he walked, he didn’t want to risk bleeding all over Negan’s floor.
As Negan had said, he took his time getting to the bathroom, he swore it wasn’t
this far last time he’d been here. It seemed to take forever to get there, the
large bathtub was almost full when he reached it. Negan was standing by the
side pouring a purple liquid into it, Carl couldn’t deny that it smelt amazing.
“Looks impressive.” Carl spoke over the gushing water.
“Yeah, I love a good bathtub, it was part of the reason I bought the place.”
“Never would have taken you for a bubble bath kinda guy.”
“Well don’t go spreadin’ it around, I’ve got a rep to maintain.”
“Your secret’s safe with me.”
“You enjoy yourself anyway, I’ll be downstairs if you need me. Feel free to
grab whatever clothes you need from my room.” Negan gave him a tense smile that
left Carl feeling cold inside before leaving him alone in the steam.
It had been so long since anyone had done a bath for him, he couldn’t even
remember the last time his own mother had done it. It was touching that he
would do it for him. He stripped off quickly and sank into the welcoming heat.
Whatever Negan had put in the water was amazing, his aches quickly dissipated
as he basked in it. The sweet lavender smell encased his senses, he closed his
eyes and relaxed further down letting the water envelope him to the chin. He
made a mental note to have more baths in the future, they were so damn
relaxing. God knows he needed to relax after last night.
His mind was still in disbelief that it had actually happened, hitting Shane,
running away, telling Negan everything. He lingered on that last thought, he’d
actually told someone. Two years of hiding it away and now someone else knew.
The whole problem shared is a problem halved saying is complete bullshit. It
didn’t feel easier having shared with Negan, if anything he felt more burdened
by it now he had to worry about Negan. Not just because of the threats Shane
had thrown at the man, he now had to worry about what Negan thought of him.
Their relationship had been complicated enough beforehand now there was an
extra layer of problems to fight through.
Part of him wished he’d kept quiet, at least until he and Negan had time to
figure out what the hell they were. It had only been a week since their first
kiss, they’d not discussed what had happened, not really anyways. Were they a
couple? Dating? Obviously their relationship was problematic given their ages
and the small fact that Negan was his teacher, or used to be his teacher. Now
the school had found a replacement gym teacher Negan would go back to being the
guy that coached at his school. Not that it made much of a difference in terms
of legality, it was still wrong. It didn’t bother Carl, he was fine keeping
their relationship to themselves until it was the right time to go public but
did Negan feel the same? Was he willing to risk everything just to be with
someone as damaged as Carl?
As much as he wished that they’d had more time to figure out what they were
before Carl told him about Shane, at least Negan now knew what he was getting
into. That Carl was a mess and any kind of relationship with him wouldn’t be
easy given his issues. Christ, they’d only kissed twice and he’d already
freaked out about it.
He could tell Negan  was already being weird with him, even with the smiles and
jokes there was something hidden under there that Carl hadn’t seen before. Like
he was trying to conceal something from him. It was making him paranoid, was it
disgust? Did he not want him around anymore? Had he pushed him into having a
bath so he wouldn't have to deal with Carl?  
Not wanting to deal with those thoughts anymore Carl sunk down in the water
using it to hide away from his own thoughts.
Just as he was starting to look more like a wrinkled 90 year old Carl emerged
from the water, grabbing the towel to pat himself dry. He caught sight of
himself in the mirror and immediately wished he hadn’t. The dark bruises were
so obvious on his pale skin, he was more concerned with the bruises that
decorated his face though. Two purple bruises had circled his eyes from where
his nose had been hit, that would be hard to explain to his parents when he
returned home tomorrow. Still that was the least of his concerns at the moment.
Leaving his mirrored image behind himself he padded back to the bedroom,
faintly hearing Negan singing along to some old rock song on the radio. He
rolled his eyes at the noise, the man really wasn’t musically talented,
although the delightful smell of bacon definitely made him reconsider whether
Negan could actually cook. The rumble in his stomach was a surprise, he hadn’t
realised how hungry he was until he smelt the food. He quickly got dressed and
headed down the stairs.
The large smile that spread across his face almost hurt but he couldn’t help
himself not after seeing Negan dancing in front of the stove, frilly apron
wrapped around his waist. He wished he had a camera, wanting to preserve the
memory forever. He’d never admit it but he actually giggled at the sight, the
noise causing Negan to drop the spatula that he’d been waving around and swing
to face Carl. He laughed harder at the sheepish look on the man’s face, it was
worth the protests from his ribs.
“I’m sorry.” He blurted out between his laughs.
“Sure you are.” Negan rolled his eyes as Carl kept laughing, as embarrassed as
he felt, it was worth it to hear that beautiful laughter again. “Alright
chuckles, sit your ass down breakfast/lunch is ready.”
“Lunch?” Carl asked as he slid into his usual chair.
“Yeah it’s a bit later than I thought. Nearly two in the afternoon.”
“Two?!” Carl exclaimed. “Jesus how long was I asleep for?”
“I wouldn’t worry about that Carl, you obviously needed it. It’s the damn
blackout curtains in my room, I didn’t even realise it was light out.”
Negan placed a plate full of food in front of him, it made his mouth water as
he waited for the man to sit with him, he still had manners after all. He did
have a limit though, the second his ass hit the chair Carl grabbed his knife
and fork and shoveled food into his mouth. It was beyond good, the bacon was so
tender and the eggs practically melted on his tongue. He was grateful Negan had
put so much on his plate, he was damn starving. When he took a break to grab
some juice he caught sight of the expression on Negan’s face, shock mixed with
slight astonishment.
“Hungry?” He asked.
“Little bit.” Carl replied sheepishly before returning to his food, making more
of a concentrated effort not to stuff his face like before. More silence fell
between them as they ate, every silent second was a constant reminder that
things were still strained between them. Every single word they’d exchanged had
been halted, things hadn’t flowed like they usually did. It was like they were
stuck on opposing sides of a rushing river, he could see him but he didn’t know
how to get across to him. Every attempt had him drowning under the water. Negan
didn’t seem to know what to say either, Carl caught him opening his mouth
several times as if he was going to say something but changed his mind at the
last minute. Now that Carl had finished eating the silence was borderline
painful, the only noise in the house was the clinking of Negan’s knife and fork
as he ate. He let his eyes wander around the room, taking in the small tidbits
that he hadn’t noticed before, all the cookbooks that decorated the shelves,
the small herb garden he kept over by the window. He wondered how often Negan
actually used the kitchen, it still looked pristine and he couldn't imagine the
man was much of a cleaner.
“Carl, are we just gonna sit here like this?”
His eyes snapped back to Negan as he spoke, the man had finished his food and
was leaning back against the chair with his arms folded over his chest.
“Like what?”
“Like I’m the one night stand you’re doing your best to get rid of.”
“What? I’m not trying to get rid of you. Just waiting for you to finish your
damn food.”
“Well I’m all done now, we gonna talk?”
“We are talking.” He knew he was being pedantic, he was letting his frustration
with their lack of communication rile him up.
“Carl…”
“Negan…” He responded.
They glared at each other. The atmosphere in the room becoming more charged as
they let the emotions that they’d been burying bubble to the surface.
Just as Carl was about to speak again his phone buzzed in the lounge, they both
turned to look at it. Nerves twisted in his stomach as he limped over to it.
He could feel the blood drain from his face when he saw the name light up on
the screen.
“Shit…” his hands trembled as he looked at the phone buzzing incessantly in his
hand. “It's Shane.”
“Shane? Are you fucking serious? That fucker thinks he can just call up? Gimmie
the fucking phone I’ll deal with him.” He held his hand out expectantly.
Carl shifted away from him, hands shaking as he thought about who was on the
other end. He had to take care of this, he’d made the mess and it was time to
clean it up. If he played his cards right then maybe he’d stop Shane from doing
anything stupid.
“No, I’ll...I’ll deal with him.”
“Carl-”
“Negan, it’s fine...it’ll be fine. Just...trust me?”
He could see Negan’s jaw clench as he gave the briefest of nods, obviously not
happy with his decision. At least he actually listened to him and kept his
distance. His thumb hovered over the decline button, contemplating just
ignoring the call so he could stay in the safe bubble he’d created with Negan,
instead he sighed and hit the green accept button. He could feel the phone
shake against his ear as he whispered out a greeting.  
“Where the fuck’re you.” His low voice slurred in his ear, still drunk clearly.
Drunk was good, drunk meant that maybe Carl could lie his way out of it.
“Uhhh. I’m home...Mom and Dad called last night and asked me to grab some
groceries before they get back. Remember? You gave me the money for it.”
A deep pause on the phone, all he could hear was the heavy breathing down the
line. His stomach twisted as he wondered if he’d been believed.
“Shit. I don’t remember that. Fuckin’shit.”
Carl heard something tip over in the background.
“Why are there groceries here? Did you forget ‘em or somethin? I can come get
you, bring you back here, I’m sure there’s plenty we can do before we need to
get them back to your parents.”
Carl could almost feel the leer in his voice, it made his skin crawl. Pushing
it to the side he replied.
“They’re for you. You didn’t have any so I got you some as well, I dropped them
off before I got the bus home.”
“Huh…”
“Yeah…”
Carl waited, pacing anxiously, he wished Shane would finish up. He wasn’t sure
how much longer he could keep up this pretence for. He could see Negan out of
the corner of his eye, arms crossed, looking like he was itching to interrupt
the conversation.
“I’m gonna miss you baby...it’s been so damn nice having your sweet lil ass
around here.”
“I...uh….I’ve gotta go...someone’s at the door.”
He hung up and threw the phone away from himself, he vaguely heard it thump to
the floor, he clutched at his hair as he paced back and forth trying to squeeze
the man’s voice from his head. The frustration from before mingled with the
anger that Shane had burst the bubble he was in, forced himself back into his
life when he was trying to get away from him.
“What the fuck did he want?” Negan asked.
“Wanted to know where I was.”
“You should’ve let me talk to him.”
“So you could say what?” It was unfair of him to ask, he knew Negan was only
trying to help but right now he didn’t want it. Right now he wanted to boil in
his anger, he increased his pacing in an attempt to stop himself taking it out
on Negan.
“Somethin’ that would get him to fuck right off.”
“Oh yeah cos that would’ve helped so much.” Carl said sarcastically.
“Why are you gettin’ pissy with me?” Negan was getting just as angry with him,
his voice getting louder in the room.
“I’m not pissy maybe I’m just sick of you babying me.”
“I’m not babying you.” Negan spat out.
“Yes you are. I can handle Shane. I’ve been doing it a lot longer than you.” He
shouted at him, he’d stopped pacing, now the two of them were standing opposite
one another. Electricity sparked between them as they let their anger out on
each other.
“Oh yeah cos that’s been workin’ so well for you.”
Carl flinched back like he’d been slapped, he steeled himself under Negan’s
anger, not willing to be the one to back down. He needed this, the release.
“You don’t get to fucking say that to me. I’ve been dealing with this shit for
years. I’m the one that’s had to put up with his groping hands, and seedy
comments. I’m the one that had to deal with being whipped every time I dared to
say something out of line. I’m the one that had to bend over whenever he
fucking wanted me to. So no you don’t get a say in it, you don’t get to decide
how I handle this shit.”
“I’m not trying to decide anything for you Carl but you can’t fucking expect me
to stand by and let you talk to that shithead.” He gritted out, trying to get a
grip on his own anger. “It’s not who I am and you damn well know it.”
“Do I? How much do I even know about you? I mean, Jesus, I didn’t even know you
were into guys until we kissed.”
“C’mon Carl I thought we were past the superficial shit like that? You may not
know the facts but you know the kind of guy I am.”
“I thought I did but maybe I was wrong.” He wanted to hurt him, punish Negan
for not stepping up more that morning, for not being the guy he was last week.
“Yeah well I know I was wrong about you, at least I’ve never hidden shit from
you.” That was one step too far. Negan knew it before he’d even let the words
fall from his mouth. The hurt look on Carl’s face was enough to stop himself
saying anything else. They both stood panting in the room, both realising that
they’d let this get too far. Negan watched the hurt look melt into guilt on
Carl’s face before he turned sharply and stormed off up the stairs.
Negan just watched him go.
**********
Carl paced more when he reached the bedroom, anger eliminating any pain that
the movement caused. He wasn’t angry with Negan, he was pissed at himself for
getting that mad with him. It was incredibly unfair, he shouldn’t have expected
Negan to be the same, it didn’t mean he was a bad person. It was what he'd been
expecting, he didn't know why it was such a surprise to him that Negan would
change when he knew. He stopped in his steps, taking a deep breath he tried to
calm himself. He was being paranoid, he knew it. Negan had every right to be
pissed at him, he had hidden things from the man. He'd been so open about his
past with Carl, he'd answered every question Carl had asked never hesitating.
Carl on the other hand had never really told him anything about his own life.
Guilt stabbed at him again, he shouldn't have been that harsh on him. He sat
down on the bed, head in hands, as shame filled him. He'd fucked up again.
Possibly ruined one of the best things that had ever happened to him.
A small knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, he turned to look at Negan,
guilt swelling again at the sad look on his face. He’d never wanted to be the
reason behind that look, it nearly broke his heart.
“Can I come in?” Negan asked.
“It’s your room, you can do what you want.”
“Okay, better question. If I come in can we talk or are we just gonna scream at
each other again?”
“No more screaming I promise.” Carl said, shifting further along the bed so
Negan could sit with him. They sat in silence again for a moment, Carl could
feel the light heat as their arms brushed each other. He found himself leaning
into the comfort of having Negan by his side again.
“I’m sorry for getting angry and saying that shit.” Negan paused before
continuing. “I didn’t mean it Carl, I don’t care that you didn’t tell me, I
don’t hate you for it I hate myself for not being the person you could tell
sooner.”
“You’re not wrong though, I’ve always hidden things from you. I had no right to
say that you weren’t the person I thought you were because you’ve always been
you. I just...I got scared.”
“Of me?” Negan was horrified at the thought that he’d ever scared Carl.
“No, not like that. You were being weird earlier, we weren’t talking like we
usually do. I just thought that maybe you didn’t want me around anymore, or
that you thought you couldn’t talk to me. I hated myself for making it that way
and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.”
“Shit, Carl I didn’t even think. I always want you around it’s not about that.
I just-”
“Negan-” Carl didn’t want to hear the rest, he knew it would be some excuse for
him to pull away.
“Please Carl, just let me finish.”
Carl nodded, bracing himself for the words he knew would hurt.
“I...I don’t know what to say to you Carl. I’m drownin’ here. It’s not that I
couldn’t talk to you or that I don’t want to it’s just... I have no idea what I
can say to make it better, I have no idea what to do. I’m terrified that I’m
gonna say the wrong thing and cause you more pain. It’s hard not knowing where
I stand, I’m so torn all the time. I wanna give you space, let you decide how
much you want from me, but I also want to wrap you up in my arms and never let
you go.”
“I didn’t realise…” Carl couldn’t finish his sentence.
“I’m not great at talking about how I feel Carl, even worse about showing it. I
was so damn angry this morning, not with you but with myself. I failedyou.”
“You didn’t-”
“Yes I did Carl.” Negan’s jaw clenched as his earlier thoughts returned. “I
didn’t see what was going on, hell maybe I didn’t want to see what was going
on. I made excuses for the things I saw, passed them off as stupid shit when I
could’ve pushed harder to find out what was really going on. I let you down
Carl and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.” His
voice broke as he finished the sentence, head hanging down in shame as he tried
to pull himself together again.
Carl placed a hand in Negan’s, shifting closer to him he let his forehead rest
on his shoulder trying to give as much comfort as he could.
“It’s not your fault Negan. You couldn’t have known, if my own damn parents
couldn’t figure it out how could you possibly know?” He whispered against him.
“If you’d pushed me I probably would’ve run so far away that you’d never see me
again, I wasn’t ready for you to know before and that’s on me, not you.”
He felt Negan’s hand squeeze his tight, he moved his head back as the man
twisted to face him. Carl looked into broken brown eyes, reaching his other
hand to brush along his stubbled cheek.
“I don’t blame you for any of this Negan.”
“It’s not your fault either Carl, none of this is, you hiding it away that’s
Shane’s fault not yours.”
“Yeah. Guess all we’re guilty of is saying stupid shit instead of saying what
we really mean.”
“Well that’s what I’m good at.”
“Me to.”
“At least we can work on it together.” Negan said taking both of Carl’s hands
in his own.
Carl knew they had a long way to go, both of them needing to heal from the
night’s revelations but at least they had each other.
"Carl?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you wanna talk about us? The whole kissing thing? I know it’s gotta be
confusing with everything that’s going on, I mean shit I really shouldn’t have
let it get this far I was just bein’ selfish.”
“Right now? I don’t know.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I just...shit...I gotta know Carl did you wanna kiss me?”
Negan almost sounded desperate in his question. “You weren’t doing it because
you felt like you had to or anything?”
“God no, Negan. No, it’s not like that at all. I kissed you because I wanted
to. I’d been thinking about it for ages, couldn’t stop thinking about it
actually. I don’t know what that means, I don’t have much...experience with the
whole emotions thing but I do know I wanted to kiss you. You didn’t make me.”
Negan let out a sigh of relief that echoed in the room.
“Thank God for that.”
“I don’t need a label on us Negan if that’s what you’re thinking about. I’m
gonna assume this whole situation is unchartered territory for both of us.”
“Hell yeah, can’t say I’ve ever been tempted by a student before.”
“Glad I could be the first.” Carl joked. “Whatever we are, it feels right.
That’s all I know and I’m not sure what that means in the future but for now
that’s enough for me.”
“Me too.” Negan replied. “Whatever you want this to be I’m down for it. You set
the pace Carl, I’ll take as much as you want me to have.”
Carl was grateful for that, he didn't want the pressure of a label.  
“Not that I want to talk about it but what happened on the phone with Shane?”
Negan asked.
“He was wondering where I was. I think he believed me, he sounded drunk, he was
pretty drunk last night so there’s a chance he really doesn’t remember what
happened.”
“That’s good, gives us some time to work things out.”
“Work what out?”
“What we’re gonna do about Shane, I’m not havin’ you go anywhere near that
bastard again.”
“I don’t know what we can do. Me telling you doesn’t change anything, my
parents… they still wouldn’t believe me, they don’t see Shane like you do.”
“You can’t keep letting things go on as they are Carl, there’s no way in hell
that I’m gonna let him touch you again.”
“What am I supposed to do about it?” He asked, letting desperation cloud his
voice.
Negan sighed, letting go of Carl’s hands to rub at his face. He was too run
down to think of something good.
“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. What time are your parents back?”
“They're back later tonight, but they arranged for Shane to drop me off
tomorrow afternoon.”
“Tomorrow afternoon? Fucks sake, most parents would kill to see their kids
again after being away and they’re willing to wait until tomorrow? Jesus
Christ.”
There was that clenched jaw again, it almost made Carl worry that he’d grind
his teeth into dust if he kept that up.
“That’s just what they’re like, they care...they just don’t always remember how
to be good parents.”
“They’re gonna ask about those bruises y’know?”
“Yeah I know.”
“What are you gonna say?”
“I dunno, I’ll probably say I got jumped walking from the grocery store or
something.”
“You could always tell them the truth, you never know Carl they might believe
you.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Then you have me.”
Carl looked down at his feet, Negan really had him there, at least he knew if
the worst did happen, if his parents ever did reject him then he’d have a place
to go to.
“I don’t...I don’t know if I’m ready to tell them Negan.”
That was what it had boiled down to, it had nearly killed him to tell Negan.
Every word bit away at him as he’d spoken, he’d barely been able to look Negan
in the eye after. He knew it would be worse with his parents, at least with
Negan he knew he could say what he wanted. Conversations had always been easy
between them, it was a completely different story with his parents. The years
had made conversation so damn difficult, even the simplest greeting took more
effort that it should.
Carl looked up as Negan sank into his vision, crouching down in front of him.
“I’m not gonna push you here Carl, I’d never make you tell anyone that you
don’t feel ready to tell. If you wanna wait to tell them then I’ll support you
in any way that I can. All I ask is that you call me, if Shane so much as looks
at you funny, call me. I’d never be able to live with myself if Shane hurt you
and I could’ve stopped it.”
“I promise.”
Watery blue ones met soft brown ones, Carl felt his lips twitch up in an
attempt at a reassuring smile.
“Good. So we’ve got till tomorrow then? What do you wanna get up to?” Negan
slapped his knees as he stood, walking around the room as he tried to figure
out what they could do.
“There’s another Hannibal movie for us to watch right?”
Carl almost laughed at the look of pleased shock on Negan’s face. He’d never
admit it but the movies were actually growing on him, more often than not he’d
find his mind drawing back to that charismatic killer, spending far too much
time thinking about the debates that Hannibal had raised in the movies. The
morality of murder being far more interesting that learning about algebra. He
wanted to see more, understand more of this character that was dominating his
thoughts. The fact that it made Negan so happy was just an added bonus.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.” He confirmed. “Not like we can really do much when I can barely
walk up the stairs without wanting to die.”
“True. Alright, let’s get you downstairs then.”
This time Carl let Negan help him up, he leaned on his arm as he hobbled down
the stairs. Negan left him on the couch in his favorite corner. Carl felt the
grin spread over his face as he watched Negan patter around, he looked like a
kid on Christmas day, practically bouncing around the cabin as he prepped their
snacks. Carl grabbed the blanket, draping it over his legs to get himself more
comfortable. He gratefully accepted the massive bowl of popcorn that Negan
handed to him, and waited patiently for the man to join him on the couch.
“Hope you’re ready for this.” Negan said as he flopped down next to him, the
credits starting to play across the screen.
“Always am.”
He settled himself in for the duration, eyes eagerly taking in every scene that
appeared. It was a nice distraction from the tense afternoon. Nevertheless, as
much as he wanted to keep watching, he found himself growing more and more
tired as the movie played out. Eyes grew heavier as much as he tried to keep
himself awake, the movie was starting to pick up to the main plot, his mind
protested his body's instinct to sleep, wanting to keep watching. His body
however relaxed further into the couch, slumping down as he curled up into the
heat by his side, his eyes fluttered shut as he finally gave into his body’s
craving.
**********
He awoke to his pillow shifting around under him, disgruntled he wrapped his
arm tighter around  it, flinging a leg over to quell the movement so he could
go back to sleep. He was shocked when his pillow let out a low chuckle, he
blinked his eyes open and shifted his head back to take a better look at what
he was resting on.
He could feel the blush burn at his face when he realised that it wasn’t his
pillow that he’d trapped under him it was Negan. Carl had his arm flung over
his waist, fingers gripping at the soft material of his shirt, the shirt that
looked slightly damp where his face had previously rested. He was mortified to
think that he’d probably drooled on the man in his sleep.
“Shit, I’m sorry, thought you were my pillow.” He said sheepishly. He knew he
should probably remove himself from the man. At the very least take his leg off
his lap but he couldn’t find the energy to move, for the first time in days he
was actually comfortable and his mind was protesting any idea that involved him
removing himself from his current position.
“Nice! I clearly need to work out more if you think I’m squishy like a pillow.”
Letting his mind win this one time, Carl returned his head to his chest,
nuzzling back down into his warmth as he managed to get himself more
comfortable.
“No...not squishy… just warm… s’nice.” He could already feel sleep taking over
again, the irresistible lure of peace and quiet winning out. He didn’t hear the
man’s reply, just felt his chest vibrate under his ear as he let himself sink
back to sleep.
**********
                               2nd_January_2018
Carl’s body tensed as he awoke, all he could feel was the heaviness of the arm
wrapped around his waist, the hand curling possessively over his hip. His mind
raced as he tried to figure out how he’d gotten back here. How was he back with
Shane? The hard body shifted against him, he squirmed back as much as he could
in the grip that simply grew tighter as he moved, trapping him in. His pulse
raced, breathing became harder as panic set in, he couldn’t be back there. He
squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, not wanting to open them, opening them
would make it real. He didn’t want it to be real, he wanted to be with Negan,
he begged his mind to let him stay with Negan longer in his imagination. The
hand slid up his waist as his body shifted more, Carl didn't want to wait to
see what it was going to do next.
“Nononono…”He murmured, pushing more forcefully against the chest, legs coming
up to force himself away from the man. He felt himself move backwards, he was
almost confused when the arm just slid away, he’d expected more of a protest.
He knew it would come, he knew the man would never let him go that easily. He
knew he was gonna get it, he’d be punished for this. Twisting quickly he
crawled away, feeling a surprising softness under his palms as he scrambled
along the floor until he hit a soft wall in front of him. He curled up as much
as he could, hands clutching at his hair, trying to protect as much of his body
as he could. His body shook uncontrollably as he waited for the sharp sting of
leather, he deserved it, he’d caused so much trouble.
“Carl? What’s going on? Are you alright?”
He heard his voice in his head, Negan’s voice, he wished he was here, where had
he gone? Why had he left him with Shane? Had he even been with Negan in the
first place or had he made it up? Tears slipped out as he started to question
himself, he felt his grip on reality slip away, the tension in him mounted the
longer he waited, why wasn’t Shane doing anything? He wanted it over with,
wanted him to do what he wanted so he could go back into his head, back to
Negan. His body jolted as a hand touched him, nononono not that, he didn’t want
soft touches, not again. He pushed himself further into the wall, a soft
whimper escaped his mouth. He wanted to fade away, wanted to not exist in that
moment.
“Carl...please….it's Negan you're safe here it's alright I'm not gonna hurt
you.”
His heart tore inside, Negan sounded so desperate, why was he still there? Why
would his mind torment him like this? He sobbed, his head hurt so much.
“Shhhh Carl you're alright, I'm here, you're safe.”
“But you're not here.” He sobbed out. He wanted him to shut up, Negan couldn't
be here now, even in his mind he didn't want him to see this.
“I am here Carl. C’mon look at me, just open your eyes, just for a moment.”
“I can't.”
“Yes you can, you can do this Carl. I'm right here, remember we watched the
movie last night? Then you fell asleep right at the good bit. You're here with
me in my cabin.”
He sounded so real, his voice sending memories seeping back into his head. He
remembered breakfast, the phone call, falling asleep on his warm chest. Was
that real? He had to know. He slowly let go of his hair, tentatively raising
his head so he could look out. He could just about make out Negan's face
blurred by tears that were yet to fall from his eyes.
“Negan?”
“Yeah, yeah it's me.”
He came closer, Carl could see his face more clearly, concern etched all over
it. Shakily he raised his own hand, he watched as it reached out to brush his
fingertips across his cheek. His heart skipped a beat when it touched actual
flesh, hewasreal. Relief flooded him. He really was safe. He let out another
sob, this time in relief, as he threw himself into Negan's arms, wrapping his
own right around his neck. He cried into it, harsh sobs wracked his body
reawakening the pain in his limbs. He didn't care though, he was safe.
“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry.” Was all Carl could say. He truly
was. He was sorry for being a fuck up. Sorry for literally crawling away from
the man. Sorry that he couldn't do something as simple as wake up with someone
without freaking out. Guilt made him sob harder even as soothing hands rubbed
circles on his back.
“It's alright Carl. Shhh, it's alright.” More soft words were muttered into his
ear, reassurances whispered at him. Eventually he calmed, the tears dried on
his cheeks, and he just relaxed against him. Breathing the man in, trying to
embed him into his senses.
He kept his face buried, not quite ready to face him yet. He could feel Negan's
face against his, felt the slight scrape of stubble against his cheek as he
nuzzled against him.
“I'm sorry.” He said one more time.
“Carl, you've got absolutely nothingto be sorry for.”
He was so kind. He really didn't deserve it. He sniffed again, and leaned back,
he'd shifted onto the floor when he'd launched himself at the man. Now he was
sat there, leaning back against the couch, trying to put himself back together
again. He reached out a hand to grab Negan’s, clutching it to remind himself
that he wasn't alone this time. He didn't have to do this on his own anymore.
**********
Eventually his breathing settled, he loosened his grip on Negan and shifted his
sore muscles.
“You alright?” Negan asked.
“I think so, I’m sorry.” He said again. Was he ever going to stop needing to
apologise? Why couldn’t he do normal things without having a meltdown?
“Carl, it’s fine. It’s normal, don’t worry about it.”
“It’s not normal though is it? It’s not normal to have flashbacks to being
groped by your Godfather!”
“Carl-”
“Don’t. You don’t need to answer that it’s not fair. I just… I want to do
normal things.I don’t want every part of my life to be infected by this thing
that’s happened to me.”
“It won’t Carl, but it’s gonna take time and I’ll be here every step of the
way.”
“You sure you wanna be?”
Negan forced Carl to look at him.
“Yes I’m damn sure. You’re not gettin’ rid of me that easily Grimes. I’m in it
for the long haul. Good and bad.  I’m here.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“I know, but I want to be.”
Carl didn’t know what to say to that, he gave him a watery smile, swallowing
hard against more tears. He’d done enough crying that day.
“You ready to get up?” Negan asked. “Cos I don’t think my old man back can
handle being on the floor for another minute.”
Carl gave a brief laugh as he nodded. “Sure old man let’s get up.”
They helped each other up, both unsteady in their aching bodies. Carl noted the
time as he stretched out, one in the afternoon. His stomach plummeted as he
realised what that meant.
“I gotta get home…”
“Shit. Already?”
“Yeah, They’re expecting me back around 3, at least if I get home early then I
can be there just in case Shane makes an appearance.” Carl didn’t fail to
notice the angry tick on his face as he mentioned his name.
“Right, I’ll go grab my coat then, did you wanna borrow something?”
“Nah, the sweater’s enough for me.”
Carl opened the door and waited on the porch. His fingers brushed the snow from
the deep brown railings, he thought back to the last time he was on this very
porch. The memory of that steamy kiss warmed him inside, it brought a smile to
his face, even as the slam of the front door brought him back to the present.
“Ready to go?” Negan asked.
“Nope, but let’s do this.”
He sat in the passenger seat, fingers squeezing the leather by his legs harder
and harder the further they got from the cabin. They travelled in silence, the
only noise was the snow breaking under the tyres as they drove along the empty
roads. Far too soon they reached the familiar white houses in the suburbs, the
roads he used to play around were now a sight of dread for him. Negan pulled
the car over, a few houses down, closer than normal but considering how much
his feet still hurt Carl was extremely grateful.
“Thank you again.” Carl was the one to break the silence. He flicked his eyes
over to Negan, the man was still gripping the steering wheel knuckles a sharp
white on his tanned skin. He looked pissed. “Negan?”
“I really don’t like this.”
“I know.” Carl hung his head, if he had it his way he’d stay with Negan for as
long as the man would have him.
“You better go before I go in there and do something really fucking stupid.”
Carl nodded, feeling dejected, he grabbed the handle and started opening the
door. He was stopped by a hand on his arm. Carl looked back at him, getting
lost in those brown eyes once more.
“I’ll be alright.” He said, turning to face him properly.
“I know, I just don’t know if I’ll be.” Negan tried to laugh it off but he
couldn’t. He’d never felt so jittery in his life, his body at war with himself,
terrified worry mixed with pure anger. He felt sick with it.
Carl placed a hand on his arm, stroking it as he tried to calm him.
“I’ll tell them, I promise. Maybe not today but I swear I’ll do it.”
“I know. I just want you to be safe until then.”
“I’ll call, I promise I’ll call if anything happens.”
Negan nodded, steeling himself for the inevitable. He placed a hand on the one
still stroking his arm, he gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Alright. I’ll see you soon OK?”
“Yeah.” Carl gave him a brief flicker of a reassuring smile. He wanted to kiss
him goodbye, like they had last time, wanted one more moment of normalcy
between them before he went back to the dark but he couldn’t find the courage
to do it. So he left took his hand back and headed out the car, vowing not to
look back as he walked to his house.
He heard the engine roar as he shot down the road behind him, leaving him
alone. He saw his Dad’s car on the drive, happily noting that Shane’s wasn’t
anywhere to be seen. This he could deal with, just his parents, and if he kept
them occupied with enough questions about their holiday then he might just get
through the conversation.
Not having his keys on him he had to ring the doorbell and wait for them to
come to the door. His mother’s happy face appeared in front of him as the door
opened, her smile fell as he took in his face.
“Carl what happened?” She exclaimed, grabbing his shoulders to pull him inside
so she could look him over.
He shifted uncomfortably under her searching gaze, he hated the attention. Her
hands brushed incessantly over his face, looking over at each of the marks.
“It’s fine Mom, I got jumped on my way back from Shane’s. I’m alright, just a
bit bruised.”
“It is notfine Carl. Where was Shane? He was supposed to be bringing you home.”
“He was too drunk to drive so I walked. It’s no big deal Mom, I’m alright.”
That reassuring smile appeared on his face, only it was more fake this time.
“This is happening far too much Carl.” She shook her head, pulling him over to
sit on the couch. “Is anything bleeding? You need me to get the first aid kit?”
“Nah, I’m good. Really. How was your vacation? Did you have a good time?”
“Carl…”
“Hey Carl, when did you get back?” His Dad appeared in the doorway, rubbing a
towel over his wet hair, he must’ve been in the shower.  
“Look at him Rick! Shane got too damn drunk to drive so he had to walk home and
got mugged.”
“What?” Rick walked over to Carl, looking over his face. “Son of a bitch I
swear I’m gonna kill him one of these days, how could he be so irresponsible?”
“It’s fine Dad honestly. I’ll be alright.”
“Did you get a good look at them? I’ll write up a report when I get to the
station in the morning.”
“Dad, please, just leave it. I didn’t see who did it, they pushed me to the
floor. Luckily I left my wallet at Shane’s so they didn’t get anything.”
He’d not seen his Dad look so pissed in awhile, it was touching to know that he
still cared so much about his wellbeing. He almost told them then, the concern
that was etched on their faces was a shocking reminder that they actually cared
about him. He’d been so caught up in his own feelings and the thoughts that
Shane had put in him that he’d never concerned that his parents might actually
care. With all the marks on his body they might even believe him.
“How was your vacation?” Carl asked instead. He wasn’t ready for that, wasn’t
ready for the questions.
“It was good, the place was lovely. Did you have fun with Shane?”
“Same as always y’know.”
“I’m sure it was. I can’t believe he let you walk home alone. I’m gonna give
him a call.” Lori stood, walking over to the phone.
“NO.” He shouted at her, quickly calming himself he spoke again in a softer
voice. “Honestly, he offered but I insisted on going on my own. There’s no need
to call him, he’s probably still too drunk to understand.”
He could tell she didn’t want to drop it, her face was still twisted in anger,
he gave his best innocent face at her. As usual it worked a treat, she melted
in front of him and rushed back over to hug him.
“I’m so sorry you got hurt baby.” She murmured into his hair.
He managed to contain his wince as they both wrapped their arms around him, one
arm pressing down on one of his bruises. Unwarranted tears watered his eyes, an
unexpected wave of emotion crashed over him as he was cradled in between them,
it was almost too much for him. His parents were never usually this tactile
with him, then again he usually brushed them away, this time was different, he
found himself relaxing into them. He nestled his head into his Dad’s shoulder,
wrapped his arms around the pair of them. Negan really had helped him, he’d
encouraged him to be more open, to allow himself to feel what he wanted to feel
and in the moment he wanted to feel loved by his parents. He wanted one moment
to forget the years of resentment and just be their kid again. 
Chapter End Notes
     P.S. Does anyone know of a good word processor? I'm using google docs
     atm but it seems to do funny things to the formatting when I transfer
     it over to AO3, like it keeps adding spaces that aren't supposed to
     be there or shifting the paragraphs so it looks weird.
***** Tomorrow *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry for the wait guys! I'm starting a new job very soon and there's
     so much pre-training training to do that I've been a bit swamped.
     Also I really wanted to be able to update with chapter 16 fairly
     quickly after this one for reasons that will be obvious once you've
     read this.
     Thank you again for all the lovely comments I'm sorry I haven't
     replied to them individually but I do love every single one of them
     <3 Much Love L xx
          "Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may be for us and it may not."
                                 - Della Reese
===============================================================================
                                        
                                 January_2018
                                        
They treated him to his favorite take out that evening, his Mom wanting to do
her usual motherly smothering by feeding him as much as she could. It was
nearly too much, she constantly kept touching him, brushing her hands over him
to make sure he was alright. He was never more grateful to his Dad than when he
insisted that she stop. Every bone in his body had been screaming at him to get
away from her incessant touching, his muscles tensing every time her fingers
hit his skin. That night was almost like old times, only without the constant
fighting between his parents, they ate on the couch in front of the tv watching
some crappy action movie. If it wasn’t for the constant ache in his body from
his injuries he would have loved every second of it.
Unfortunately he reached his threshold for the pain around halfway through the
movie, the pressure on his aching ribs was too much for him. So he made his
excuses and headed to his bedroom, trying not to notice the sad look on his
parents’ faces when he left. The stab of guilt was unusual, it never bothered
him to leave them alone, then again it never seemed to phase them that he’d
left the room. Maybe he’d just failed to notice it before, maybe he was always
caught up in his depths of despair that he didn’t realise the impact that he
had on them. Still, it didn't hinder the resentment he felt, didn't ease the
knowledge of their failure to notice what was really happening with him. It was
a relief when he entered his room, he could finally relax.
He pulled Negan’s sweater up, hands brushing over the bandages that covered his
body. He wondered how long it'd take them to heal. He was sick of looking at
them, sick of knowing exactly how he got them and the reminder of what Shane
was capable of. It hadn't escaped him that Shane hadn't come to visit. He'd
been on edge all afternoon, ears prickling with every car that passed through
the quiet street waiting for one to pull up in front of his house. He wondered
how long it would be before he graced them with his presence. It wouldn't be
long, that he knew, Shane had never let more than a couple of days pass before
he saw them. Hell his parents would probably be inviting him over tomorrow,
eager to see him again. Carl glanced at the clock by his bed, it was still
fairly early. Shane could still make a visit before the morning. It made him
more uneasy, he sat on the bed, fingers curling around the edge. Would he come
that night? The fear that had left him whilst he was with Negan crept back over
him. Would he be safe tonight?
His thoughts led to a darker place, would Negan be safe tonight? If Shane
wasn't here then he could be with him. He could've followed through on his
threats, arresting the man all because he'd dared to leave him.
His hand fumbled for his phone, he found Negan in his contacts, pushing the
call button. He waited anxiously for an answer, every ring was like a shot
through him. Was he right? Had Shane got to Negan? His whole body sank with
relief when he heard the familiar gravelly voice fill his head.
“Carl. Is everything alright? Are you okay? Is he with you? Did the fucker
touch you? I swear to fucking god I will kill him if he's near you. I'll wring
his fuckin-”
“Negan!” He interrupted. The man really did know how to ramble on. It was
touching to know how much Negan worried about him. “I'm fine, honestly. I just-
I needed to hear your voice.” How pathetic was he?
“Huh, never thought there'd be anyone that liked hearing my voice more than
me.”
“I don't think it's possible for anyone to like your voice more than you.”
“You might be right there.”
Carl laid back on the bed, easing the pressure on his body.
“Did I interrupt anything?”
“No no, I'm just… doin’ the usual.”
“Drinking or hitting on your bat?”
“You know me too well.”
Carl laughed at that.
“Maybe.”
“What are you up to?”
“Trying to sleep, not having much luck.”
“Ah, want me to read you a bedtime story?”
“Nah I think I'm good.”
“Shame I know a few good ones.”
“I'm sure you do.”
There was a pause.
“I miss you.” He admitted. They'd only been apart a few hours but it felt like
an eternity.
“I miss you too.” His heart warmed at his admission, at least he wasn’t the
only one feeling their separation.
“At least we’re back at school next week, back to normal.” Carl tried to make
light of it, tried to make it seem like it was a good thing but he knew it
wasn’t. If anything being at school would be worse than not seeing each other,
it would be torture to be that close to the man without being able to touch him
freely, to be around each other but to pretend that they weren’t as close as
they were. School was a constant reminder that their relationship was
forbidden, even as friends it bordered on the line of inappropriate.
“Yeah…”
Another pause rested between them. Carl hated it. They couldn’t talk like this,
not with ears potentially listening in.
“Negan?”
“Yeah?”
“Why were you drinking?” He’d hesitated before asking, he didn’t want to
overstep boundaries but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to sleep with the
knowledge that Negan was drinking because of him.
“I…”  A loud sigh filled Carl’s ears, that was enough of an answer for him, it
must be to do with him if he was taking his time to answer. Guilt swarmed him.
“I’m sorry.” Was all Carl could say to him. This had been what he’d been trying
to avoid, he didn’t want to hurt anyone else’s life.
“It’s not your fault Carl, I’m not drinking because of you so don’t think that
for a second.”
“So why are you drinking then? Cos you don’t sound like you’ve had one glass
for fun.”
Yet another heavy sigh.
“I’m drinkin’ because… because I can’t get the thought of Shane touching you
out of my head, or the thought of me beating the shit out of him. I...God Carl,
I had to drink to stop myself doing somethin’ really fucking stupid. I want to
killhim for what he’s done to you and I was scared that I would actually do
something. That’s why I was drinking Carl, not because of you but because of
myself.”
Carl was speechless, what on earth do you say to that? The thought of Negan
doing something like that was terrifying, as much as he wanted Shane gone he
would never want Negan to do it.
“Negan…”
“It’s fine Carl, don’t worry about it.”
“But-”
“You should go to bed Carl.” Negan interrupted. “It’s late, and you need to get
your rest.”
Carl knew when he was being brushed off, he reluctantly said. “Okay,
goodnight.”
“Night.”
He was left feeling rejected when the phone clicked off. The home screen glared
back at him, almost taunting him whilst he furiously debated with himself
whether to call Negan back or not. It pissed him off that he just hung up like
that, so many things were left unsaid, Carl hadn’t gotten any kind of
reassurance that Negan wasn’t going to do anything stupid. At least he wouldn’t
be able to do anything that night, his voice had that familiar drunken haze to
it that Shane’s always had when he’d had too much to drink.
Still sleep didn’t come easy that night with the knowledge that Negan was
thinking such dark thoughts. He’d always known that Negan had a darker side,
the man had given him peeks of it when they’d spoken about his past but he’d
never imagined that it extended so far. It made him shiver to think of what
Negan was capable of when he put his mind to it.
The more worrying thing was that the thought of Negan killing someone didn’t
bother him as much as it damn well should have.
**********
The morning light woke him up, the sun glared at him through the open window,
bird song grated on his tired ears. He practically threw himself out of bed to
slam it shut, the lack of sleep making him grouchier than usual, or it was the
reminder that Negan had clammed up on him last night. Asshole. After everything
Carl had confessed to him the least he could do was talk this through with him.
The clothes given to him by Negan itched at his skin annoying him almost as
much as the man himself. He stripped himself of them, throwing them to the
corner of his room before putting on his usual outfit. He’d deal with them
later, make sure to wash them before he took them back to Negan.
The house was unusually busy that morning, his Dad was buzzing around the
getting ready for work, his Mom was dragging the laundry from their holiday up
and down the stairs. She gave him a quick peck on the forehead as she shot past
him in a hurry to get back up the stairs.
“Mornin’ kiddo, sleep well?”
“Yep.” He lied. “You back at work already?”
Rick gave him a sad smile, tucking his shirt into his jeans, the Sheriff badge
shining brightly on his chest. “Yeah, no rest for me. It’s only a short shift
though, I’ll be back before dark.”
“Great.” Carl went to sit on the couch, shifting to find a comfortable
position.
Sensing his discomfort his Dad asked “You alright? You need me to get you
anything? Aspirin?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Alright, how did you get on with Shane anyways? You guys have fun?”
“Same old same old really.”
“That it? Same old same old?
“Yeah, not really much to say.”
Carl was more concerned when his Dad came to sit in front of him, he had that
weird paternal look on his face like he was about to give him a lecture.
“Carl…” He began “Is everything alright with you and Shane? Things have been
weird between you two lately, you’re usually so chatty after you guys hang out
and now… now you do everything to avoid talking about it.”
Carl was at a loss for words, he didn’t realise his Dad would even pick up on
that kinda thing, he was usually so oblivious to everything that didn’t concern
him. Just exactly what had his Dad picked up on though?
“I...um… things are fine y’know?” He knew his answer didn’t help things when
his Dad let out a sigh and hung his head.
“Carl, is it his drinking? He doin’ it too much around you?”
Carl’s body filled with relief, drinking he could work with, maybe even use it
to his own advantage. He hung his own head, trying to play the hurt teenager.
“Yeah.” He said quietly. “He keeps getting worse Dad, I thought New Year’s
would be fine but...he just wouldn’t stop, he drank the whole time I was
there.”
“Dammit Carl, I’m so sorry I left you with him, I’m sorry you had to deal with
that.” Rick’s hands grabbed at his own, cradling them softly. “I’ll have a talk
with him about it, maybe get him to get some help.”
Carl let a few fake tears come to his eyes and nodded. He felt guilty lying to
his Dad like this but if it meant he could get a break from Shane it’d be worth
it. “Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Could… Can I have a… break from Shane? I don’t like being around him when he’s
drunk.”
“Of course Carl, I’ll do what I can to make that happen. Hopefully I’ll sort
him out soon, he can’t keep drinking like this.”
Carl didn’t want him to stop drinking maybe one day he’d drink himself to
death. But he gave his Dad a watery smile and thanked him.
“It’s alright Carl. I’ll do anything for you, I hope you know that.”
In that moment Carl almost believed him, he gave him a quick smile. “I know.
I’m uh gonna go grab some breakfast.”
“Alright, you seen my cell phone by the way? I can’t find it anywhere.”
He shook his head as he left the room. The kitchen cupboards were practically
empty, another reminder of the lies he’s had to tell in the last 48 hours. His
stomach grumbled at him, the take out from the previous night hadn't sated him
in the way he wanted it to. Just as he went into the lounge to ask his Dad to
give him a ride to the grocery store the doorbell rang out, it was like a shot
to the heart. He knew who it was. Who else would it be?
Rick looked up from the couch where he’d been digging for his phone. “Are you
gonna get that Carl? I’m busy right now.”
“Right, yeah, sure.” His hand trembled as he reached out to twist the knob. His
fears confirmed when Shane’s face appeared on the other side of the door. A
disgusting smile appeared on his face when he saw who had opened the door.
“Hey Carl, long time no see. How ya been?” He asked, stepping inside the house,
deliberately brushing his body past Carl’s. “Jesus, what the fuck happened to
your face?”
Thankfully his Dad interrupted before he had to answer, although it was almost
worse having to watch them embrace each other. Laughs escaping as they patted
each other on the back,  a sickening display of their brotherly affection for
one another. Carl rolled his eyes, even after their conversation his Dad just
took Shane back in like always. He left them to it, walking back into the
kitchen to clean up the dishes from the previous night. The muffled sounds of
conversation from the other room filled his ears, he tried to figure out what
they were saying but he couldn’t. Huffing out a sigh he focused on washing the
dishes, getting lost in thoughts of food that they needed to buy,
“What are you doin’ out here gorgeous?”
The plate he was holding clattered back into the sink at the sound of Shane’s
voice. He had hoped that the man would be too distracted with his Dad to bother
him. Trying to act normal he picked the plate back up to wash it, trembling
hands fumbeld with the wash cloth. He was hyper aware of the fact that Shane
was creeping ever so closer to him.
“Need some help with that?” He asked slinking his arms around Carl’s waist,
pressing his body against his back.
Carl dropped the dish again, mesmerised as it sank back into the soapy water.
“Not talkin’ to me again?” Shane’s hands slid possessively around his hips,
pulling his them back deeper against Shane. He was sickened to feel the
familiar hard length against him. “Remember what happened last time you ignored
me Carl? If you don’t I’m more than happy to give you a reminder.” The last
word was accompanied by a hard grind against his ass.
“You shouldn’t do this here. Dad’s in the other room.” He tried to reason with
him.
He felt the sigh of hot breath against the back of his neck, Shane gave him a
nuzzle that sent shivers down his spine. “He’s gone upstairs, there was a mark
on his uniform, we’ve got some time.” Sharp teeth nipped at his earlobe, he
squirmed away from it.
“Shane…” He tried protesting again, he couldn’t do much more, if he tried to
hit out at him his parents would no doubt hear and come rushing in. He wasn’t
ready for that, not yet. Panic soared through him when fingers dipped under his
jeans reaching lower, he pushed away from it but that only forced him back into
Shane.
“I just cannot get enough of you.” He murmured against his skin, hot breath
sweated at Carl’s neck.
“Hey Shane, you want a ride to work? I’m gonna head out in a bi- what’s goin’
on here?”
At the sound of Rick’s voice Shane’s hands shot back up to his waist. Carl’s
heart pounded as he waited for Shane to answer, his own mouth frozen in shock.
The room filled with tension.
Then Shane laughed.
“Just teasing Carl about those bruises.”
Carl nearly gasped out in pain as Shane tickled his waist.
“Need to teach him how to fight don't we?” Shane continued.
Carl had never felt so disappointed when all his Dad did was laugh and clap
Shane on the back.
“Don't be so mean, if it wasn't for your drunk ass then he wouldn't have needed
to do any fighting.”
Shane finally stepped away, heading away from Carl. Carl heard the fridge door
open, more laughter from the two adults as they exchanged more insults.
Returning his attention to the dishes he worked on cleaning them. Aching for
any distraction to their voices echoing in his ears.
“Goddamnit, we need to hit the grocery store.” His Dad’s voice slammed back
into focus. His heart dropped into his stomach. Shit.
“Groceries? I thought Carl got some for you?”
“He got mugged on his way, didn’t get a chance to get any.” Rick answered for
him.
“Riiiight.”
Carl could practically feel his eyes burning into the back of his head. He
grabbed the towel next to him and quickly dried his hands.
“I'm gonna go see if Mom wants to go shopping.” He left the room before anymore
was said, running up the stairs. His Mom was unpacking the suitcases in their
room.
“We need to go to the store. Pick up some things.”
“I suppose your Dad’s gonna stay here with Shane?” She huffed.
“I dunno, probably, I think they’re going to work together.”
“Great.” She left the suitcases where they were on the bed and walked over to
him. “Let’s go now then. Get it over and done with.”
Carl followed her down the stairs, his Dad and Shane had moved into the lounge.
“We're gonna head out to the store. Won't be long.” His Mom said, throwing her
coat on. “You guys stay and have fun.”
“Great, aren't ya gonna stay here too Carl?” Shane questioned him, a pointed
look on his face. He had that anger shimmering in his eyes that sent shivers up
his spine.
“No I'm good, Mom needs the help.” That courage from the other night plucked
up, Carl stared the man down, almost daring him to say something else.
“Let’s get going Carl or I’m gonna starve like this.” His Mom interrupted the
tension. He walked with her to the door not bothering to look back. He didn’t
care if he paid for it later, right now he was safe and he took pride in the
strength he had to say no to Shane.
***********
His Mom filled the ride to the store with ramblings about having to do the shop
on their own, she had to work later and hated having to do anything beforehand.
Carl didn’t mind so much, the more she spoke the less he had to. The encounter
with Shane had freaked him out, the man had never been so brazen before. His
flesh still crawled where he’d placed his hands on him. He wondered whether his
Dad would actually have a talk with him about his excessive drinking, the
realist in him figured that he wouldn’t.
He followed his Mom into the store but quickly left her to her own devices, she
was a pain when she was in this mood. Nothing he said or did mattered, all that
counted for her was getting in and out of the store as quickly as possible
which involved getting Carl out of the way as quickly as possible. So Carl
headed off at his own pace, heading over to the gaming section of the store. He
wasn’t a huge gamer, the memories of playing with Shane too prominent in his
mind, especially after their last gaming encounter. Still it gave him something
to do whilst his Mom powered around the store. He hated Shane for forcing him
out of his own home, especially when he looked like this, he could feel other
customers stare at his bruised face. Hiding away in amongst the games he
managed to find some peace and quiet or so he thought.
“Well, if it isn’t lil Carl Grimes.” His heart froze at the voice. Fucking
Simon. He hadn’t spoken to him in months, not since Negan had scared him off.
Heaving a sigh he turned to face him, his day clearly wasn’t going to get any
better. “What do you want Simon?”
“Jesus fuck what happened to your face?”
“None of your damn business.”
“Fucking rude Carl, here I am being all concerned about you.”
“What do you want? Surely you’ve got better things to do?” He snarked at him.
He really wasn’t in the mood for this shit.
Simon just laughed at him. “True, then again you are so much fun to play with.
It’s not like I get to do it much with Coach Negan constantly looking over my
shoulder.”
“Sorry he took away your favorite toy.” He spoke sarcastically.
“It’s alright, I’m sure I’ll get my own back some day, y’know when you two slip
up and someone catches you at it.”
Carl’s heart pounded at that. “What are you talking about?” He asked casually,
trying to play it cool.
“Oh c’mon Carl, the whole damn team knows you two are fuckin’ around. Why else
would he throw us off the team for beating you around a little?”
“Because you’re asses?” Carl offered.
Simon rolled his eyes at him.”No one gives a shit about that, any coach in
their right mind wouldn’t give a shit about what we do as long as we win
games.”
“Well you don’t seem capable of doing that.”
Simon’s jaw clenched, took a few steps closer. Carl stood his ground, he knew
Simon was too much of coward to do anything in a packed store. “One of these
days Grimes, Coach is gonna get bored of you, then your ass will be free game
and, personally, I can’t wait till that happens.” Carl skin crawled as Simon
dragged his gaze up and down his body. “Maybe then I’ll get to find out what
got the Coach so hot.”
“You’ll be waiting a damn long time. There’s nothing going on between the Coach
and I, he’s just a decent guy.”
“I’m sure he’ll make a damn move soon, then he’ll be locked away, and I can
finally get back to doin’ what I like.”
Carl pushed him away, putting some distance between them so he could collect
himself. He didn’t want him to see how much his words had affected him. People
finding out about him and Negan was one of his biggest fears, he hadn’t
realised how many people actually paid attention to them. He thought they’d
hidden under the radar.
“He’s not going anywhere because nothing will ever happen. He’s a great coach,
you should feel honored to have him coaching you. If he treats you like shit
then it’s because you damn well deserve it.”
“You are so-” Carl’s phone rang out, breaking him from their talk. It was his
Mom, she must have finished up with the shopping. “Booty call from the Coach?”
“Shut the fuck up.” Carl bashed past him, walking away quickly before he
answered the phone. His Mom was paying, she’d been quicker than he thought. He
helped her pack the groceries into the car. They didn’t talk much, both of them
caught up in their own thoughts. His conversation with Simon had shaken him
more than he’d thought. His mind racing with the possibilities of what would
happen if he and Negan were caught. He’d been so selfish letting it get this
far, kissing him had been a dumb idea. Friendship was one thing, but a
relationship took more, there was more of a risk of being caught. More horrific
associations with romantic entanglements with students. He let his head rest
against the window, watching the scenery pass, wishing he’d had more strength
to stay away from him.
*********
Rick waited until Carl and Lori had left the house before confronting Shane. He
wasn't wrong, there was something up with the two of them. Things had been
weird for months, a strange tension filled the room whenever they were around
each other. Sure Carl had been acting weird for weeks but he would’ve thought
that his and Shane’s relationship would be fine, they’d always been so close.
At least he’d gotten somewhere with Carl today, he finally admitted why he’d
been so strange with Shane. Even Rick had noticed that Shane’s drinking had
been getting worse, the comments he’d made to Negan at Thanksgiving had been
bad enough, but now he was thinking that something had happened whilst he’d
been away.
He did wonder if they’d fought, it seemed too much of a coincidence that Carl
had come home with bruises only for Shane to turn up with a strange limp and
Rick swore he could see the hint of a bruises on Shane’s collarbone where his
shirt popped up.
“We gonna head to work?” Shane spoke, meeting him by the door.
“Just a sec, I wanna ask you somethin’”
“You know you can ask me anything.”
“Did… did something happen with you and Carl this weekend?”
“Whaddya mean Rick?”
Rick moved away from him, not quite sure how to continue. “I mean, did you guys
have a fight or somethin?”
“No, of course not, it’s me and Carl, we just hung out like usual. Did Carl say
somethin’ to you?”
“No, no. Just… somethin’ felt off with you two earlier.”
“Things seemed normal to me. Maybe you’re too addled from your vacation.” Shane
joked.
Maybe he was, maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing. Still, as much as
he tried to rationalise it, his instincts were screaming at him that something
was off. “Maybe, anyways we still need to talk about your drinkin’ Shane,
you’ve gotta cool off man.”
“What are you talkin’ about? I don’t drink that much.”
“My son got the shit beaten out of him because you were too damn drunk to drive
him home. That’s not okay Shane.”
Shane sighed, sitting down on his usual chair, head in hands. Rick felt bad for
him, he knew Shane had it rough sometimes, knew he struggled with the fact that
Rick had a wife and kid whilst he was still living the bachelor life. Maybe it
got to him more than Rick realised. “Look Shane, it’s alright, we can figure it
out I just need to know that you’re gonna start being more responsible. This
shit can’t happen at work.”
“I know, I know. I don’t know, it’s just easier to drink sometimes y’know.”
“Yeah.” Rick sat on the armrest, placing a comforting hand on Shane’s shoulder.
They’d been through so much together, they’d get through this as well. “It’ll
be alright, I can help you through it. Just promise me you’ll let me help you.”
“I promise. I’ll stop.”
“Good. Good. We’ll go to yours after work, get rid of all that shit. Maybe you
could move in for a bit, keep you away from temptation.” He knew what he was
saying was against what he’d told Carl but if the problem was Shane’s drinking
then he’d be alright here. It might give them a chance to sort out their
relationship.
“Alright., that’d be great, maybe I need some time with other people. I go
crazy when I’m on my own.”
“I know, it’ll be fine, you can stay as long as you need.”
“Thanks Rick.”
“Anytime buddy.” He clapped his hand on his back. Just as he was about to speak
again the doorbell rang. “Wonder who that is.” He rose to answer the door.
Needless to say he was surprised by the figure on the other side. “Negan, hey,
it's good to see you.”
“Hey Rick, mind if I come in?”
***** Bang Bang *****
Chapter Notes
     Sooo here we go! The chapter we've been waiting for :) Hope it's as
     good as we've all been imagining!
     Thanks for all the lovely comments and kudos on the last chapter,
     sorry about that cliffhanger they're oddly fun!
So revenge is obviously a deeply messed-up expression of vindictiveness. It is
   hard to even call it evil. It is just plain insanity. A result of deeply
                             messed-up thinking."
                               —Venkatesh G. Rao
===============================================================================
                                        
                                 January_2018
Negan can’t quite remember how he got home, he’s surprised he even made it back
in one piece. He'd blown through the roads full throttle, knowing if he slowed
down for a single second he wouldn't be able to stop himself from turning the
car around and heading back to Carl. It took all his strength to drive away
from him, every single particle in him protested, his soul screamed in pain as
he drove. He’d hardly been able to watch the small figure limp down the street,
the sight breaking his heart. He nearly jumped out of the car, wanting nothing
more than to grab him and carry him back to his house where he could keep him
safe.
Fucking selfish prick.
He had to respect what Carl wanted but he’d be damned before he was alright
with his decision. There wasn’t much more that Negan hated than feeling
helpless and right now he was fuckin’ drowning in it. The urge to park up near
Carl’s house and keep an eye on him was nearly overwhelming. As he drove his
mind filled with images of Carl’s bruised body, his hands tightened on the
wheel as he thought about what Carl could be walking into right this second.
Don’t go back. Don’t go back. Don’t go back.
He had to trust Carl, had to show Carl that he could trust him. If he said that
he’d call if he needed help then Negan had to trust in that no matter how much
it killed him. He tried to ignore the knots in his stomach, the instinct to go
back, he’d gritted his teeth and kept on driving. The car skidded as he arrived
back at his cabin, he slammed it into park, leaning his head on the steering
wheel as he fought with himself. His better side won, he wouldn’t get anywhere
by forcing his presence on Carl, he’d certainly ruin everything if he forced
him to tell his parents before he was ready. The snow crunched under his feet,
the harsh wind struck at his face, even the short journey from the car into the
house had him shaking. He slammed the front door shut behind himself, pacing
back and forth in the living room, trying not to think about the kid that had
occupied the room less than two hours ago.
Negan could still feel him in the house, everywhere he went he was faced with
ghosts of Carl, the mussed up pillows in his favorite spot on the couch, the
plates from the breakfast they’d hurriedly eaten. He’d hardly lived in the
cabin yet he found memories of Carl everywhere, each sight adding to the
yearning in his heart. This had to stop. He needed to stop thinking about him,
just for awhile. He so desperately needed a break from the conflicting emotions
that swirled within him.
Running up to his bedroom Negan’s eyes adamantly avoided the bed, he didn’t
need that reminder that Carl had lain there, warm and safe. He stripped himself
of the clothes that he’d been wearing for far too long, tossing them into the
ever-growing pile in the corner of his room. He really needed to do some
fuckin’ laundry. Throwing on his jogging bottoms, he exited the room and ran
out to his own gym. He practically froze without a shirt but he knew that would
soon change. The anger inside was burning for an outlet and it was about time
he gave it one.
With the bandages wrapped tight around his hands, he unloaded on the hard bag,
picturing Shane’s smug fucking face in place of the beige material. His mind
filled in delightful details of what it would be like to actually hit the man,
how his bones would feel breaking under his fists, how much he would cry and
beg for mercy that would never come. He’d want him to feel every fucking second
of it, make him feel some of the damn pain that he’d inflicted on Carl. Negan
wanted to look him in the eye, see the pain explode in them as he broke him
apart. He lashed out harder, the ache in his fists egging him onwards, the pain
was almost addictive, sending sparks of pleasure to his brain. He was stupid to
believe that this would ease his anger, it just fueled him on, reminded him
that he would never be satisfied until he actually got his hands on Shane.
He lost track of time, he just kept hitting harder and harder, fists thudding
against the bag ignoring the pain that shot through his body with each punch.
It wasn’t until he saw red marks appear on the bag that he realised he’d bled
through the wrappings.
Fucking Shit.
He stripped them off his hands, he’d hardly noticed the pain of peeling dried
blood off raw skin. The top layer of skin had been grazed off his knuckles, he
clenched his hands experimentally wincing as the new skin stretched, that was
gonna be fun to heal. Tossing the bloody wrappings to the floor, he left the
gym, braving the bracing cold to get back to the house. As short as the journey
was the icy wind had him shaking inside the kitchen.
Fuckin’ bullshit, he thought as he slammed the freezer door shut, no fucking
ice, in a place full of goddamn snow he had no fucking ice. He kicked out at
the fridge, grunting at the pain that shot through him when his foot made
contact with the unyielding object. His blood boiled under his skin, he turned
to brace himself against one of the counters, breathing hard as he tried to
calm himself. It wasn’t fucking working. His skin itched with the animalistic
urge to hunt down Shane, tear him fucking limb from limb. He eyed the car keys
that he tossed onto the table, it’d be so fucking easy.
He had to stop thinking like this. It was a damn dangerous line to tread. He
couldn’t do this again, couldn’t fuck his life up, more importantly he couldn’t
fuck it up for Carl. What use to him would he be if he was rotting in jail?
Making up his mind he grabbed the unopened bottle of whiskey, stupid logic but
if he got completely fucked then he couldn’t do anything stupid, not in this
weather. The couch creaked under his weight when he threw himself onto it, he
stared blankly at the corner that Carl had occupied. His favorite corner it
seemed, in the few hours that he’d spent there Carl had made that corner his
own, the thought of anyone else occupying it was almost as painful to Negan as
no one occupying it.
He shook himself of those thoughts, now wasn’t the time to get melancholy.
Taking a long chug of the bottle Negan basked in the slow burn of the whiskey
trickling down his throat. The liquid eased his muscles, made him sink back
further into the soft cushions. It may have eased the tension but it hadn’t
helped with the fire that licked at him, one of these days he was gonna burn to
dust under the pressure. He took another swig, thinking back to all the damn
times he’d let it get the better of him. He’d fuckin’ hospitalised a guy just
for looking at Lucille in a bar, he’d been so fucking drunk and stressed from
the week it seemed damn logical. His inability to control himself like that had
been a big reason behind his split from Lucille, she’d admitted that sometimes
he scared her. He’d never want to do the same to Carl, he’d tried so damn hard
to shield him from that side of him. Ever since that first meeting he'd been so
careful to conceal it from Carl, kept it tucked away deep inside of himself
only letting him peek at it. He never wanted him to be afraid of him,
especially now.
His hand reached out to grab his phone, he tossed it around in his fingers,
trying to decide how pathetic it would be to call him. He wanted to check on
him, but he didn’t want Carl to feel smothered. Carl had said he’d be fine and
he’d ring him if he needed help, he had to respect that. He had to trust him
like Carl had done with him. As much as he reminded himself of that it wasn’t
any easier to accept it. He took another swig, and another, and another.
Tossing the phone away from him to remove the temptation he settled back and
resigned himself to an evening of drinking and seething.
**********
A shrill ringing woke him from his drunken slumber, his hand fumbled on the
couch trying to find the damn noise. The screen light was almost painful to his
eyes, he squinted hard trying to decipher the words on the small screen. Carl.
He quickly sat up, hands fumbling with the phone, trying to hit the accept
button as quickly as he could.
He spoke as soon as he got the phone to his ear. “Carl. Is everything alright?
Are you okay? Is he with you? Did the fucker touch you? I swear to fucking god
I will kill him if he's near you. I'll wring his fuckin-”
“Negan!” Carl interjected, breaking up his ramblings. “I'm fine, honestly. I
just-I needed to hear your voice.”
Negan's heart warmed at his words, the anger edging away each moment. Relaxing
into the conversation he spoke again. “Huh, never thought there'd be anyone
that liked hearing my voice more than me.”
“I don't think it's possible for anyone to like your voice more than you.”
“You might be right there.”
“Did I interrupt anything?”
Interrupt? Only the pathetic slumber of a drunken ass. “No no, I'm just… doin’
the usual.”
“Drinking or hitting on your bat?”
“You know me too well.” God he really was open book with Carl.
“Maybe.” That beautiful laugh, it never failed to bring a smile to his face.
“What are you up to?”
“Trying to sleep, not having much luck.”
“Ah, want me to read you a bedtime story?”
“Nah I think I'm good.”
“Shame I know a few good ones.”
“I'm sure you do.”
There was a pause.
“I miss you.”
His heart ached at the words, he damn well fucking missed him too. As pathetic
as it was, they'd only been apart a few hours. “I miss you too.”
“At least we’re back at school next week, back to normal.”
“Yeah…” He hated the thought of being back at that fucking school. Hated the
sense of propriety that he'd have to follow around other people. Pretending
that Carl was nothing more than another student to him.
“Negan?”
“Yeah?”
“Why were you drinking?”
“I…” He let out a heavy sigh, how exactly could he tell Carl why? He didn't
want to lie to him but his earlier fears plagued him. Before he could speak
again Carl's quiet voice filled his ear.
“I’m sorry.”
Sorry? Why did he have to be sorry for? Another surge of hatred for Shane
enveloped him, he was the damn reason that Carl blamed himself for everything,
piled so much on his own shoulders. “It’s not your fault Carl, I’m not drinking
because of you so don’t think that for a second.”
“So why are you drinking then? Cos you don’t sound like you’ve had one glass
for fun.”
Yet another heavy sigh escaped him. He knew he would hate himself for it but he
had to tell the truth. Carl had been so honest with him, he deserved the same.
“I’m drinkin’ because… because I can’t get the thought of Shane touching you
out of my head, or the thought of me beating the shit out of him. I...God Carl,
I had to drink to stop myself doing somethin’ really fucking stupid. I want to
killhim for what he’s done to you and I was scared that I would actually do
something. That’s why I was drinking Carl, not because of you but because of
myself.”
The lack of response from Carl was enough of a reply. He'd freaked him out.
Great. Well fucking done Negan.
“Negan…”
“It’s fine Carl, don’t worry about it.” Get him off the phone now so he didn't
have to make up some bullshit about not being freaked out.
“But-”
“You should go to bed Carl.” Negan interrupted. “It’s late, and you need to get
your rest.”
“Okay, goodnight.”
“Night.” Negan threw the phone away from himself, vaguely aware of it
clattering to the floor. Why did he have to make such a goddamn mess of things?
***********
The next time he woke he had a banging headache and a throat drier than the
fucking Sahara. Damn, he was too fuckin’ old for this shit. He stumbled blindly
into the kitchen, not quite ready for the bracing sunlight just yet. Swallowing
down a couple of aspirin was harder than he thought it would be. Last time he
was ever drinking again.
Rolling his eyes at his own lie, he walked back into the lounge, adamantly
ignoring what whiskey was left from last night. No point in wasting another day
drowning his sorrows, or anger in this particular instance.
The phone on the floor drew his attention, the cracked screen glaring up at him
a reminder of his failure to control himself. He wondered if Carl had tried to
get in touch with him since they’d hung up, couldn’t stop himself hoping that
he had.
No notifications.
The disappointment hit him harder than he thought it would, doubt niggling at
him. Maybe he’d gone too far telling him everything, Christ, he’d been through
enough without having to think about his anger-driven Coach. Negan just hoped
that he hadn’t scared him off too much, he wanted Carl to call him if he needed
him. He shoved the phone into one of the drawers, he’d still be able to hear it
if Carl did ring but it would hopefully stop the temptation to phone him. At
least today anyway, he’d give Carl his space.
Sitting back on the couch he clicked the TV on, flicking through channel after
channel trying to find something that would quell the thoughts in his mind. He
tried to focus on the images on the screen, some fucking shitty action movie
played out. His eyes drifted from the screen over to the bat that hung next to
it.
His beautiful baby.
He’d nicknamed it once after his ex-wife, Lucille, she’d nearly kicked his ass
for it. God it had got him through a lot. He walked up to it, brushing a finger
along the cool, smooth wood. Curling his hand around the handle, he plucked it
from the fixture, giving it a few swings. In truth he hadn’t picked it up in
awhile, no need for his baby really, up until recently he’d been able to drink
away his stress. Not now though. Now he needed something more. His gaze fixed
on the wood he thought about it thudding into Shane’s head, adding to the blood
that had already stained it. The thoughts almost making him lightheaded the
more he imagined bringing it down on that smug fuckin’ grin.
His hand curled tighter.
The fucker deserved it. Deserved worse. Maybe it was time for karma to pay him
a fuckin’ visit.
**********
He must have gotten in his car and got out at least a dozen times. Each time he
returned to his front door he changed his mind and returned to the car.
Rejoining the main road wasn’t a problem, the snow had melted somewhat
overnight, making the drive easier. Almost like fate was urging him on with his
plan. 
Negan knew he had to be smart about it, he couldn't just show up at the
bastard’s house and bash his head in. Although he was prepared to go to jail if
it came to it he wasn’t gonna make it easy for them to figure it out. He had a
vague plan, Carl had mentioned to him that Shane was good with construction so
he’d go to Rick, ask for his help, he’d inevitably pass him along to Shane.
Then he’d have all the info he needed without having to ask Carl. The less he
knew about it the better. The only risk would be if Carl was at home when he
arrived there, as much as Negan wanted to see him it would make it so much
harder.
Before long he found himself outside of the Grimes House, staring at the white
door, waiting for the doorbell to be answered.
“Negan, hey, it's good to see you.”
“Hey Rick, mind if I come in?”
“Of course, c’mon in.” Rick gestured for him to enter.
He nodded gratefully, walking into the house his mind flickered back to the
first time he’d walked into it.Things were so different now, instead of the joy
he’d felt at the prospect of spending the evening with Carl he was filled with
anger. The anger only intensified when his eyes caught sight of the man sat in
the lounge. Their eyes locked on each other, he had to remind himself that the
town Sheriff was right over his shoulder to stop him throwing his weight at
him. His hand curled into a fist, nails dug into his flesh as he tried to
resist the urge to smash it into his face in the way he'd been so longingto do
so.
“Negan what a nice damn surprise.” The fucker spoke, each word grated on him
like nails on a chalkboard. He forced a charming smile on his face.
“Shane, good to see you again.”
“I'd offer you a beer but Shane just took the last one.”  Rick clapped a hand
on his shoulder. “Can I grab you some water or somethin’”
“No no I'm good, thanks.”
“So what can I help you with Negan?” Rick asked.
“Well I-uh need some help with my cabin, I wanna build an extension but I have
no idea what to look for.”
The laugh that erupted out of Shane made him want to throttle him.
“Nah, Rick doesn't know jack about construction. Never took to it.”
“Yeah, I gotta admit Shane's your man for that sorta thing, he practically
built his own house out here.”
“Wasn't just me, lil’ Carl helped.”
Negan clenched his jaw, his blood boiled under his skin at Carl's name falling
from his lips, he was so sure it was about to burn through his flesh.
“God yeah, he enjoyed himself that week.” Rick’s voice was filled with
nostalgia as he spoke.
“What can I say? Carl always has a good damn time when he’s with me.”
That nearly did it, his body shifted forwards urging him to just fucking take
the man out. Now wasn't the time. Inhaling deep he refocused himself, not now.
“I know a place that has decent materials, I just need some help picking out
the best type and gettin’ it back to my cabin.”
“Well I’d be happy t-” Rick started.
“I’ll do it.” Shane interjected. Good boy thought Negan.
“Great, when are you free?”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?” He hadn’t planned on it being so quick, thought he’d might get a
couple more days to plan.
“Yeah, after my shift. Get’s it all done for ya.”
Negan couldn’t help but feel slightly suspicious, the man had agreed far too
quickly for his liking. There had to be more there, he knew Shane hated him too
much to want to be helpful. The conversation he’d had with Carl filtered into
his mind, Shane had threatened to have him arrested. Maybe he was thinkin’ of
doing the same to him as he wanted to do to Shane. Good. He’d love a fuckin’
fight.
“Sounds good with me. Where shall I pick you up?”
Shane gave him his address and when he’d be back from work, not long but it’d
give him some time to figure things out.
“Alright, so I’ll see ya then. Talk to ya later Rick.”
He left the house feeling lighter than air, the anger now happily bubbling away
instead of tearing up a storm in him.
Soon he’d get his justice.
Soon he’d get his blood.
**********
As it turned out Shane didn’t live that far from the street that he picked Carl
up from. The image of Carl curled up on the sidewalk haunted him as he drove
past that spot. It fueled his drive to make this night one to remember, give
Carl the closure that he needed. Even if it meant losing him forever at least
he would be safe. He’d never have to worry about someone crawling into his bed
at night to hurt him.
Shane was leaving the house as he pulled up, clearly he was just as eager to
see him as he was. He unlocked the door, allowing him to slide into the car.
Negan was immediately taken aback by the strong smell of whiskey that filled
the small space. Was that what he smelled like to other people when he’d been
drinking? The smell strengthened his reserve to give up drinking as much as he
could, especially when he was around Carl.
They gave each other a quick greeting before they set off. Not many people knew
but part of the reason he’d moved to this particular spot was because of the
factory on the outskirts of town. His uncle had left it to him when he passed
away a few months ago, it was a shithole, been abandoned for years. Negan had
come down to try and sell the land once or twice before the move but now he had
a better use for it. Carl was the only one he’d ever told about it in town, it
had come up in one of their many conversations about his life. Funnily enough
Carl told him that he’d used to sneak into the place with his friend, Rod, or
Ron, some shitty ass name like that.
“How was work?” He asked Shane, he was always polite.
“Yeah, s’alright. Puttin’ the bad guys away.”
“Can’t imagine there are many around here.”
“You’d be surprised.” Somehow Negan didn't think he would be. Contrary to what
he said he had a feeling the worst sort of people lived in towns like this,
hiding away under the guise of normality. 
He could see Shane looking him over out of the corner of his eye. Not for the
first time he wondered what was going on in that head. He wondered how drunk he
was.
“Y’know Negan I think we got off on the wrong foot.”
This guy really was fucking crazy. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, I uh...was a bit of an ass to you when we met. M’sorry for that, the
drink gets too much for me at times.”
Was this what Carl was talking about? Shane’s way of getting to people? Charm
them so much that they glazed over all his negatives. Unfortunately for Shane,
Negan was far too good at doing that himself that it didn’t work on him.
“That’s alright, happens to the best of us. What’s passed is past with me.”
“Good, m’glad.” There was a pause before he continued. “Y’know Carl always
talks about you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, always goin’ on about how good you are to him. It’s easy to see how
close you two are. What’s up with that?”
“There’s nothin’ up with that. Carl’s a great runner, I’ve been helpin’ him
with it. That’s all.”
“Oh yeah? Out of the kindness of your heart or are you gettin’ anything else
out of it?”
“Like what?” Negan spoke through gritted teeth. The fucker really knew how to
get under your skin. Having the damn balls to insinuate something was going on
with him and Carl when he was doin’ much worse to him.
“Nothin’. Forget it.” Shane backtracked. “I just hate the thought of anything
happening to my Carl. I’m a lil protective over him, if anyone even dreamedof
touchin’ him I’d fuckin’ kill them.”
Negan didn’t fail to notice how much emphasis he placed on ‘my’. Carl wasn’t a
damn possession to be shifted around. He also hadn’t failed to notice the
threat that was littered in there. He was pleased to notice that they weren’t
far from the factory now. The tall, grey brickwork appeared in the distance.
Nearly showtime.
“Look Shane, you don’t have to worry ‘bout that I’d never go near him. He’s a
student.” Complete fuckin’ lies but he’d never go near him if Carl didn’t want
him to.
“Good to know.”
The conversation turned to easier topics, Negan wanted him as relaxed as
possible, no point in making him suspicious beforehand. It was only when they
pulled up to the gates of the broken building that Shane started asking
questions.
"What happened to your knuckes?" Shane asked, his eyes fixed on them.
"That? Just did too much boxing, didn't wrap my hands properly enough."
"You a fighter then?"
"Only when I have to be." 
“Huh, I thought we were going to a workshop? What are we doin' at this old
place?" Confusion litered the man's face as Negan pulled up in front of the old
gates. 
“We are, I got a message sayin’ someone had broken in recently. Just wanted to
check up on the place.” Negan explained, getting out of the car to unlock the
gates. He was almost relieved when Shane stayed in his seat. He just had to get
him off the road and into the factory, then he could finally let some of this
anger out. Not without his Baby of course, he’d left the bat tucked up under a
blanket in the backseat. All ready for him.
“You own the place then?” Shane asked as they drove through the rickety gates.
“Yeah, my uncle left it to me.”
“This place caused us alotta hassle over the years, kids always breakin’ in,
dealin’ drugs. Never thought I’d actually meet the person who owned the place.”
“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. My uncle was never one for takin’ care of things.”
The car slowed to a stop, etching a path through the snow that still coated the
ground. The factory was it’s usual eerie self. Negan had only been up here a
few times, As creepy as it fuckin’ was he had a strange affection for the
place, he felt oddly at home within the decaying walls. Now it would become the
place where he took out a monster.
It felt right.
“Good thing you got me with ya if we’re checkin’ out a break in.” Shane
remarked. “You coulda just called the cops.”
“Nah.” Negan said grabbing his bat out of the car, he slammed the door shut,
giving Shane a smirk. “I like dealin’ with this shit myself.”
Shane just followed him, nothing but the groaning of aching metal filled the
air. The casual conversation from before nothing but a faint memory for the two
of them.
“So Shane, you and Carl, what's the deal with you two?”
“Why’d’ya ask?”
“No reason.” Negan swung the bag around in his hand as they walked. The light
weight a comfort, something grounding him down. His body was alight with
adrenaline, the anger coursing through his body. He could practically taste the
blood in the air. “Just wondering. He doesn't talk about you much is all.”
“He and I have a special relationship,  he probably doesn’t like talkin’ about
it with strangers.”
“Hmmm, what kinda ‘special relationship’?” Negan pushed, he wanted to hear what
the fucker had to say.
Shane’s chuckle nearly had him swinging around to shove his bat into his face.
Fucking smug ass. “Y’know he’s got a thing for me, hot for daddy’s best friend
and all that. I’ve tried puttin’ him off but he just can’t take no for an
answer.”
Fucking shitting fuckin’ bastard. Of all the answers he thought he’d get Negan
had never considered that the ass would come out with that bullshit. As if Carl
would ever go near a guy like him. “Huh, so you tappin’ that then?”
“Once or twice. Couldn’t help myself y’know, big ego boost havin’ a hot young
thing like Carl all over you.”
Negan gave a low chuckle at that, he quickened his pace so he could stop in
front of the man, turning to face him. “I bet you fuckin’ couldn’t. See now
I’ve heard a different fuckin’ story, one where you’ve ‘helped yourself’ more
that a coupla fuckin’ times.”
Shane stared him down, Negan could see his jaw twitch at his words. Clearly he
wasn’t expecting that. “Now where’d you hear that?”
Negan cocked his head. “Where’d ya think?”
“Carl?” Shane scoffed at him. “Never thought he’d brag about that typa shit.
You must be a bad influence on him.”
“Oh I think there’s only one bad thing in his life and it’s not fuckin’ me.”
Negan took a step closer.
“What’s tha’ supposed to mean?”
He’d gotten under his skin, Negan could practically see his defences going up.
 “It means I know exactlywhat goes on with you and Carl.”
“Look man whatever he's told you is bullshit. He lies to get whatever he
fuckin’ wants, he's always been like that.” Shane tried to sidestep him but
Negan merely lifted the bat to halt anymore movement.
“Nowthat is fuckin’ bullshit.” Negan lashed out, landing a solid punch across
his jaw that sent the fucker tumbling to the ground.
“You fuckin’...” Shane mumbled scrambling to his feet to punch out at Negan who
dodged it, using the momentum to grab his arm and push him into the wall near
them. He pinned Shane using his bat against his neck, cutting off his air. Each
sputtering gasp from the man inciting Negan onwards. He pushed harder, the
flush spreading over Shane’s face as he fought to breath.
“You…” He pressed the wood harder against his throat, the red on his face
darkened, such a perfect fuckin' picture. “...are a sick piece of fucking
shit.” He let Shane’s body fall to the floor after delivering a hard kick to
his balls, watched as he curled up on himself, groaning out in pain. One of the
best views he’d ever seen. Negan circled around him, landing a swift kick to
the man’s ribs, right where Carl had been hurt. “You must’ve known that this
would come back around to you. That you wouldn't be able to keep this shit a
secret.”
“I don't know what you're fuckin’ talking about.” Shane groaned out, getting to
his feet once more.
“Oh I think you do.” Negan smashed his bat against his face, blood splattered
the wall he fell against. “I think you know exactly what I'm fuckin’ talking
about.” Grabbing the back of Shane's collar Negan slammed him back down to the
floor, stomping down on his ribs, thrilled by the scream the tore out of
Shane's throat. “But just in case you needed some clarifi-fucking-cation I'm
talkin’ about the fact that you're a sick fuck who gets off on raping people.”
He delivered the last words up close to him, practically spitting on his face
as he ground out his words.
“I'm not...I don't…”
“Don't what?” Negan taunted, shoving Shane's face to the ground. “Don't get a
hard on thinkin’ about causing pain? Don't beat the shit out of Carl every
goddamn chance you get?”
He put some distance between the two of them, breathing in the crisp winter
air. He knew he had to cool it down or this would be over far too quickly.
Shane was still writhing around in the ground trying to get back to his feet.
That was gonna fuckin’ happen anytime soon, he had him right where he wanted
him. On the ground, in pain, like a pathetic fucking snake.
“Carl told me everything you've done. I've seen the fucking bruises, the bite
makes, all the goddamn pain you've caused him.” Negan stalked back over to him,
letting his anger burst out again with a hard hit of the bat on Shane's
shoulder. “You can fuckin’ stay down there. On your knees. It's where you
belong.”
“He wanted every single bit of it.” Shane sputtered out. “He's fuckin’ lying.”
Another punch, it jerked Shane back to the floor. Negan had to laugh at that,
almost maniacal. “Carl lied? Nah, I don’t think so.” He brought the bat across
Shane’s face, delighting as another tooth shot out of the man’s mouth. His body
tingled, heart raced in pleasure and anger. “You wanna know what I fuckin’
think? I think you’re a sick. Fucking. Fuck.” Each word was accompanied by a
hard kick to Shane’s stomach, he’ll break his damn ribs just like the fucker
hurt Carl’s.
“No…” Shane cried out.
“No? I’d beg to fuckin’ differ. The fucking bite marks I saw on Carl beg to
fucking DIFFER.” He hit down with the bat again, feeling bone break under the
pressure. “You raped him. You spent years torturing him, destroying him,
without a goddamn care and I’ll be damn if I let that happen again.”
“You think you’d get away with it?” Shane managed to say. “You- you think you
can kill a cop and get away with it? Rick’ll come after you, I’m his best
friend, he’ll get you for this.”
Negan crouched down next to him, grabbing his chin forcing him to look him in
the eye. “You think I give a shit about that? He can do what he fucking likes I
don’t care. With you gone Carl will be safe, thatis all I care about.”
Just as he was about to bring the bat down for one last deadly blow a loud bang
pierced the silence of the night.
***** Blind *****
Chapter Notes
     Soooo I know I said I wasn't going to take as long but this chapter
     kicked my ass! Seriously wrote a whole chapter then once again
     decided it was awful so I wrote a new one. I might actually do an
     side story on here for all the original chapters that I wrote so you
     can see how awful they wore haha.
     Big big big shoutout to Thewalkingdead178 on tumblr for helping me
     with this chapter <3
     Hope you all enjoy!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
            "No love is greater than that of a father for His son."
                                  - Dan Brown
                                        
===============================================================================
                                        
                                 January_2018
The file landed hard on the desk, merging with the existing pile of unwritten
paperwork that was currently collecting dust on the hard surface. Rick tried to
rub the tired out of his face, gulping down another mouthful of the now cold
coffee, his mouth turned up at the bitter taste. They really needed to invest
in better machine. Almost as much as he needed to finish up these damn files,
he’d naively thought being Sheriff would mean less paperwork, clearly he was
wrong. He glanced over at the clock when had it gotten so damn late? He’d hoped
to have been back at home by now, spend a bit more time with Carl before he had
to go back to school. The last day had gone so well, it was almost like having
the old Carl back, he’d missed hanging out with him. It seemed like every
single time he managed to get any time alone with him Carl would make an excuse
to leave. Trying to get any time with the three of them as a family was damn
well impossible. Especially if he had to keep working late like this. He
spotted Shane at his desk through the small office window. He smirked, at least
he wasn’t the only one suffering, Shane had an even bigger pile on his desk and
judging by the familiar tick in his jaw the man was about ten minutes away from
sweeping them onto the floor.
Making a decision he switched off the small desk light and stood, it was time
for him to go home. The paperwork could wait, time with his boy couldn’t. He
grabbed his coat and walked out of the office, clapping Shane on the back as he
said goodbye, that earned him a ball of paper on the back of his head. Still he
couldn’t feel bad he was headin’ home, Lori was out working that evening so
it’d just be him and Carl and of course Shane had his own evening plans with
Negan to look forward to. Christ, Negan must be just as crazy as Shane to go
out looking for wood in this weather. He shook his head at the thought before
turning his attention to the snow-coated road ahead of him.
Getting home was more treacherous than getting out to work, at least there was
daylight to show the road now all he had was the dim silver moonlight and his
car lights that seemed to show jackshit. It took twice as long to reach the
familiar white house, only the lights in the living room illuminating the
building. At least Carl wasn’t sat up in his room, it was much easier to get
him to stay than it was to convince him to leave the sanctuary of his bedroom.
His heart warmed when he saw him curled up on the couch reading a book, he was
so proud of him, he’d really turned a corner with his grades recently.
“Hey Dad.” Carl greeted, looking up from his book. The purpling on his face was
finally going down, ebbing off to a lighter red. It made his blood boil to
think that Carl had been attacked in his own damn town and there was nothing he
could do about it.
“Hey, your face’s looking better.”
Carl gave him a quick smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, it sent a dull
ache through him, he missed that smile. Ever since he was a baby Carl had a
smile that would warm the coldest of hearts, or so Rick thought, even on his
worst days that smile made him feel like everything would be alright in the
world. He couldn’t even remember when he’d last seen it, then again there
hadn’t been much of a reason to smile recently. He always wondered how much of
his issues with Lori affected Carl, they’d always tried to keep him out of it
but everyone always says kids pick up on these things. Carl running out on him
before he’d gone away with her had been a wake up call for him, he’d promised
himself to try and be there for him more. Even if it meant taking a hit at work
for reducing his workload, hell, even if it meant not spending as much time
trying to fix his damn marriage. He’d get that smile back on his face one day.
 
“What d’ya fancy for dinner? I’d say we could get take out but I don’t think
anyone’s deliverin’ in this weather.”
“It’s fine, Mom made a pasta before she went to work, I’ll heat it up for us.”
Rick followed him out to the kitchen, tossing his jacket off on the staircase
as he went. “I’ll help.”
“Dad, honestly it’s fine it’s just pasta.”
“I know, I’ll cut up the bread whilst you wait.” He caught him rolling his
eyes, at least he was still a typical teenager in that respect. They worked
around each other getting the food ready, Rick’s stomach growled almost
continuously despite the chunks of bread he’d snuck into his mouth.
“Y’know if you keep eating it we’re not going to have any left for the food.”
“I thought I was supposed to be the parent here?”
“Obviously not.” Carl joked. “Anyways the pasta’s done so let’s eat.”
Despite there being on the two of them they sat at the dining table, his
suggestion that they eat at the kitchen counter was almost desperately rejected
by Carl. He didn’t see what the problem was, they use to eat there all the time
when it was just the two of them, still he didn’t want to rock the boat now
that he and Carl were having an actual conversation.
“How was your day?” He asked around a mouthful of pasta.
“Yeah, good. Did some reading for class when we got back from the store.”
“Ah, fun. Is all your schoolwork done?”
“Yeah. How was your day?”
“Borin’ as hell. Loads of paperwork that just won’t get done.”
“Sounds fun.”
“Always is.” He hesitated before asking his next question. “How have things
been recently Carl? You okay?”
“Yeeeah. I’m fine, why’d you ask?”
“Just…” Rick paused trying to find the right words in his head. Maybe he’d been
going about this the wrong way, ignoring the situation and hoping that it’d get
better. Maybe it was time to be outright, it was the two of them, no
distractions. “Carl, you’ve just...changed. I know you’re a teenager and change
is normal but I worry. You don’t seem as happy as you used to be, I know things
are weird with your Mom and I but I want you to know you can talk to me about
it. About anything. If there’s something going on with you I want to know.”
“So you can lecture me about it?”
“No, so we can talk about it. I don’t say this enough Carl but I love you,
you’re still my baby no matter how old you are and I wanna know you.” Rick
caught his eye, reached his hand out to grab his. “Whatever it is I’m here
alright? I’m tryna sort things at work so I can be home more, you’ll be off to
college soon and I wanna spend as much time with you as I can before you
leave.”
“Really?”
Carl seemed to perk up at that, it was subtle but it was there. “Yeah, I mean
it Carl. I’ve been lettin’ you down recently but that’s not gonna happen
again.”
Another small smile crossed Carl’s face, Rick felt him give his hand a quick
squeeze. Progress, he thought. Baby steps.
“So what’s been happening? Is it girl stuff?” He quickly added “Boy stuff? Cos
that’s fine too Carl I don’t want you thinking that you can’t tell me if that’s
the case.” Rick’s mind wondered if that was it, Christ why hadn’t he considered
that before? Maybe this was all due to some sexuality crisis? Had they even
given him the talk on that sort of thing?
“No...no stuff. Of any kind. Look Dad why are we talking about this?”
Carl seemed on edge, suspicious. Had they really gotten to this point? “I wanna
make things right Carl, I be there for you. I want us to go back to how we
were, talking about whatever, just hanging out.”
“There’s really nothing going on Dad.”
Rick sighed, the same old answer, he’d thought they were getting somewhere,
that Carl might open up a bit more. Just as he was about to speak again his
phone buzzed in his pocket ruining the moment, Carl let go of his hand and
picked up his fork again. Rick was relieved to see that it was just a text from
Shane rather than an urgent call for him to get back to the station. He
recognised the paperwork on the floor in the picture as being the ones from
Shane’s desk, so he had tossed them out, the guy really had no patience.
Attached to the photo was a message telling him he’d be over after he’d met
with Negan, great, maybe he could help him with his conversation with Carl.
“Work?” Carl asked brusquely.
“Nah, just Shane.”
“Of course it is.” Carl mumbled back.
Just what on earth did he mean by that? This whole situation with the two of
them was just getting ridiculous, on the one hand Carl seemed to be hating on
him more and more, on the other Shane said they were getting on better than
ever. Why on earth did things have to be so damn confusing? As if he didn’t get
enough of that kind of shit at work.
“Look, Carl if there’s something going on with you two you need to let me
know.”
“I’ve already told you Dad there’s nothing going on. It’s just his drinking.”
There was something more, Rick had spent enough time in the force to know when
he was being lied to, he knew Carl enough to know when he was lying. “Carl?
C’mon whatever it is you can tell me.”
“Dad, there’s nothing.”
“Would it help to talk about it with Shane here?”
“There’s nothing to talk about, he doesn't need to be here.” Carl protested.
“Well he’s coming over after he’s done with Negan so-” He stopped when Carl’s
fork clattered onto the plate, Carl turned so pale he looked like he’d seen a
ghost. There was a reaction he hadn’t been prepared for. “What? What is it?”
“Shane….Shane’s with Negan?”
“Yeah, they were gettin’ together after work.”
“W-what? Why? Why would they do that?”
“Negan came over earlier, wanted some help with some construction work on his
cabin, Shane offered to help him out. They’re lookin’ at some wood from Negan’s
supplier. Why is it such a problem?”
Carl didn’t answer him, he just grew more pale, staring into space like he was
trying to work something out.
“Carl?” Rick prompted and just like that Carl sprung into action, leaping out
of his chair to shove his coat on. Rick managed to grab him just as he reached
the door, gripping hold of his arm to stop him moving any further. “Carl what
is going on? There’s no way you’re going out there.”
“Dad, let go, you don’t understand I’ve gotta go.”
Rick held tighter as Carl tried to pull away. “No way, not until you tell me
what’s going on. Why do you have to go? Is this to do with Shane?”
“Dad please…”
“No Carl, this isn’t happening. You tell me now.”
“Dad…” Carl’s voice was almost desperate now, pleading for him to let go. Rick
was tempted to do so, he hated forcing his hand like this but he needed to
know. This wasn’t normal and he wasn’t going to let his son go charging out in
this weather.
“Carl, you need to tell me. Maybe I can help, whatever this is you don’t have
to do this alone.”
Hope flared in his when he saw the resignation pass over Carl’s face.
“Negan...I-I think he’s gonna hurt Shane.”
“What?” Of all the things he’d thought Carl would say that’d be last on his
list. He knew the two didn’t get along, Shane hadn’t exactly made the best
impression at Thanksgiving dinner but hurting him? That just didn’t seem right.
“What makes you’d think he’d wanna do that?”
Carl sighed, reluctance dripped from every word. “Because… he told me that he
wanted to hurt him.”
“When?”
“On the phone, last night.”
“Why were you on the phone with him last night?” Rick gritted his teeth, what
kind of relationship did this man have with his son?
“It doesn’t matter right now Dad we have to stop him.”
“It does matter Carl, is he being inappropriate?”
“NO! God no Dad. He’s… he’s just being a good friend.”
“Look Carl it might seem like that but he could be-”
“Dad, no, just no. He’s notlike that.”
“They why does he want to hurt Shane? Did Shane find out about the phone calls?
Threaten him? I can’t blame him if he did Carl this is sick.”
“No!” Carl practically shouted at him this time. “It’s not Negan. He’s pissed
because he knows…” Carl broke off.
“Knows what?” Rick pushed, they were finally getting somewhere, he wasn’t going
to drop this now.
“Dad, I can’t….I don’t want to do this now.” Carl begged.
Rick could feel him trembling under his hand, his stomach twisted with dread,
what was Carl keeping from him? “Carl you gotta tell me now. I don’t care what
it is but if Negan’s gone to hurt Shane I need to know why, not just as your
father but as a cop. I need to know what we’re going into.”
Carl didn’t look at him, just stared longingly at the door. Rick tried another
tactic. “This isn’t just about Shane getting hurt, it’s about Negan. Shane’s a
trained cop Carl, he might have his gun on him, he could hurt Negan.” That
seemed to work, Carl brought his eyes back to him, he was shocked to see the
tears in them, the trembling under his hand increased. Rick swallowed down his
nerves, “So what does Negan know?”
“He-he raped me Dad, Shane raped me.”
**********
He didn’t think he’d ever be able to describe how he felt in that moment. His
body went numb, he dropped Carl’s arm, his own limply falling to his sides. He
stood there, shock filling him to the core, his body tensing trying to figure
out just what the fuck to do. His first instinct was to laugh, pass it off as a
stupid joke, this couldn’t be right. His brain told him that there was no way
Shane would ever do anything like this, his gut told him otherwise. He knew
Carl, knew when he was lying. He knew rape, knew how it affected people, knew
that rapists could be anyone. Hell he’d seen enough rape cases fall apart
because people were too ignorant to believe certain people could be rapists.
His mind went into overload in that moment, snippets of the past flew through
them as he tried to find anything to support or dismiss what Carl was saying.
The cop in him analysed the evidence piece by piece, connecting the dots.
Carl’s weird behaviour, Shane’s at time inappropriate comments about him, that
morning when he’d walked in on the two, maybe he hadn’t imagined Shane’s hands
being that low on Carl’s body.
How had his missed this? How many times had it happen? How long had it been
going on for? Each question wanted to fall out of his mouth but none would. He
was frozen until a small trembling voice broke him out of his mind. “Dad?”
He looked back at Carl, looked into those blue eyes, it hit him harder. Like a
punch in the gut. His baby, he was hurting badly, he looked so scared. Rick
wanted to make it better, wanted to pull him into his arms and protect him. He
tried to speak, nothing would come out. What could he say?
“Carl…”
“Dad, please , I’m not lying, I swear I’m not.” Carl was almost frantic with
his words, Rick was confused as he watched him pull at his shirt.
“Carl, what are yo-” He was stopped by the marks revealed to him. Were
those...bite marks?
“He did this Dad, you have to believe me.”
Rick nearly threw up his dinner as he caught sight of more marks, a glimpse of
gauze appeared on Carl’s chest, just what was under there? Shane had done this?
“Carl...I… do you even have to ask” Christ, did Carl really think he wouldn’t?
Is that why he hadn’t told him? He cursed himself for being so blind. The
silence answered that question. Now wasn’t the time to focus on his own
failings, he had to focus on Carl. He gently gripped his shoulders, looking him
in the eye as he spoke with conviction. “I believe you Carl, I will always
believe you no matter what.”
Carl nodded, he didn’t seem quite ready for words.
“So Negan knows?”
“Yes.” A small voice replied.
Rick nearly hit himself, Carl felt like he could tell a stranger over his own
father. He’d never felt like such a failure than in that moment. “That’s enough
of an excuse to want to hurt Shane, let’s go find ‘em before he does anything
stupid.”
Another nod from Carl had him grabbing his coat and keys. Once they were seated
in the car Rick realised he had no idea where to begin looking. “Any ideas
where Negan might take Shane? He’d need somewhere quiet, out of the way, where
he wouldn’t be caught.”
“I...uh… I don’t know.”
“Where does he live? Would he take him there?”
“No no, he lives in the middle of nowhere but it’s like sacred to him, he
wouldn’t do anything there.”
“He mention anywhere else in town? Anywhere he knows about? Likes to go?”
Carl went quiet for a moment, then a look of realisation spread across his
face.
“The factory?”
“Factory?”
“Yeah the abandoned one on the outskirts of town. Negan’s uncle passed it down
to him, I don’t think he’s told anyone about it.”
That would be the perfect place, dark and secluded. Hardly anyone went there
and those that did weren’t the type to report anything to the cops. With a
speed he didn’t know the car possessed they shot out onto the snow covered
roads and began the journey to the factory. Silence fell between the two of
them, Rick couldn’t think of what he wanted to say. He wanted to know more,
understand what had happened to Carl.
“Can we talk about it?” He asked.
“If you want…”
“How...what happened Carl?”
There was a deep pause then it all came out. Every. Single. Detail. All the
rapes, the beatings, the sordid comments. Every single occasion where Shane had
hurt his son, every occasion where Rick had failed to see what was going on
under his very eyes. New Years, the camping trip, Christmas, birthdays. Lori…
their affair… that stung but nowhere near as much as the knowledge that he’d
regularly handed his son over to that monster. He’d played a part in what was
going on, ignoring all the signs that were so clearly there. He slammed down on
the breaks, rushing out of the car to the grassy banks on the side of the road
where he threw up whatever there was of his dinner. It wasn’t enough, not to
clear the sickness he felt. The images of Shane hurting his son, his baby,
swirled around in his mind. He wanted nothing more than to not exist in that
moment, he’d failed so badly, failed his baby. The one he’d sworn to protect no
matter what, he let him get hurt, let his friend hurt him.
Getting back in the car, he looked over to Carl trying to figure out what the
hell to say to him. How could he even begin to apologise?
“Dad, we don’t have to talk about this now. It’s not really the time.”
Carl was right, they had to find Shane and Negan before anything happened, he
had a duty to protect the both of them even if he wanted nothing more than to
join Negan with whatever he had planned.
“We’ll talk later though Carl, I mean it, about everything.”
“Sure Dad.”
The rest of the journey was filled with a tense silence, both of them worrying
about what they’d find at the factory.
**********
“Looks like you were right.” Rick said, noting that the rusted gates were wide
open.
“Yeah, that’s his car.” Carl pointed out.
Rick parked next to it, the car was empty, he couldn’t see the pair anywhere
near it. When he opened his door he could hear nothing but the sharp wind in
his ear. There was an ominous feel in the air, like the calm right before a
thunderous storm. The wind prickled at his flesh, his anger and determination
held him firm against it.
“I want you to listen and do as I say Carl. You stay behind me, no matter what.
We have no idea what's going on here. Shane's just as dangerous as Negan and I
don't want you gettin’ hurt. I'd tell you to stay in the car but God knows you
won't listen.”
Carl nodded back at him. Good, he didn’t want to have to worry about him
getting hurt anymore. Together they walked onwards, hearts racing with
anticipation, following the footprints they found in the snow. It led them to
the deeper part of the factory, as they got closer to the main building Rick
heard the sounds of a scuffle. The hit of flesh against flesh, soft grunts of
pain mixed in. Rick drew out his gun, approaching the corner of the building.
As they neared the noises voices became clearer.
“....I’m his best friend, he’ll get you for this.”
“You think I give a shit about that? He can do what he fucking likes I don’t
care. With you gone Carl will be safe, thatis all I care about.”
Rick peaked around the corner, eyes widening when he saw Negan raise a bat
above his head. Leaping into action he jumped out from behind the corner and
fired quick warning shot at the pair, the bullet diving straight into the bat,
splintering the wood. It dropped to the floor, the noise echoed in the derelict
area. Their eyes fell on him, Negan’s shifting between himself and Carl who had
darted around the corner the second he heard the shot.
“Rick…” Shane’s voice was hoarse, Rick was pleased to see the blood caked on
his face, Negan had done a good job by the looks of it.
“Step away from him Negan.”
“Look-” Negan started, stopping the second the gun was aimed at him.
“Do what I say now, step away from him and get over here. Now.”
Negan did as told, walking towards him, he offered out his hands when he got
there. “Do what you gotta do Rick.”
He was surprised by the man, he didn’t even try to defend himself, he could’ve
easily told explained why he did what he did. It was a relief to know that Carl
had placed his trust in the right person, even if the man did try and kill
Shane. Looking at the pathetic excuse for a human being Rick couldn’t blame
him. Just seeing him knelt there had Rick ready to finish the job.
“I’m not here to do that Negan. Stay here with Carl.” Looking him in the eye,
he continued. “Keep him safe.” Rick saw the understanding flicker in his eyes
before he turned his attention back to Shane who was trying to get back to his
feet.
Rick walked over to him, lowering the gun down.
Shane looked up at him in confusion. “Aren’t you gonna arrest him Rick? Look
what he’s fuckin’ done to me!”
“No, Shane I’m not gonna arrest him.”
“Fine then I’ll fuckin’ do it, gimmie your cuffs.” Shane walked up and tried to
grab at them. Rick merely pushed him away, putting some distance between them
as he tried to quell the urge to keep pushing.
“Not gonna happen Shane.”
“What the fuck’s goin’ on Rick?” Shane caught sight of Carl behind him. “What’s
he been tellin’ you? The same bullshit that he’d told that fucker over there?”
Rick’s jaw clenched at his words, the anger threatening to bubble over. “It’s
over Shane. I’ve seen the bruises,  I know exactly what you’ve been doin’ to my
son.”
“C’mon Rick, he’s a fuckin’ liar. You know me, we’ve been through everything
together I wouldn’t do somethin’ like that.”
A part of Rick desperately wanted to believe him, he wanted this to be some
kind of sick joke, or a nightmare that he’d soon wake up from. The brutality of
his reality was torturous. “How can you say that?” He asked him desperate for
some damn answers.
“Because it’s the truth.” Shane, crept closer. “It’s me Rick, I would never do
something like that. If there’s bruises and bites on him then it’s probably
because of that damn Coach over there. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been
hurting him all year.”
Rick let him get closer, almost allowed himself to believe him, fall into the
safety of the story that Shane crafted. It would be so much easier to believe
that Negan had done it, had somehow brainwashed Carl into accusing Shane, he
could arrest him then they could go back to their normal life. His heart knew
it wasn’t true. His brain couldn’t deny the facts. “If that’s the case then how
did you know about the bite marks?”
“Bite marks?”
“I didn’t say anything about the bite marks. How’d you know they were there?”
“Rick… c’mon don’t get caught up on the shit.”
RIck shook his head, Shane wasn’t gonna explain his way out of this one.
“You’ve got a chance here Shane, admit what you did. You’ll get a easy sentence
then you can stay out of our lives. Start new somewhere else.”
“No...No.”
“Yes. This is it Shane, no more bullshit, admit what you did to my son. I
deserve the fucking truth.”
Shane just scoffed at him. “You’re so full of shit.” With a quick motion he
grabbed at Rick’s gun, twisting it around to face them.
Heart pounding, Rick stepped back. Instinctively looking for Carl, Negan had
him tucked away behind his back, standing between the gun and Carl.
“Shane put it down.”
“No, not until you listen Rick, until you see goddamn sense.” Shane’s hand was
shaking as he pointed the gun, flicking between Rick and Negan. “It’s not me, I
wouldn’t hurt Carl, it’s that fucker over there twisting him against me. Can’t
you see it Rick? There’s somethin’ going on there.”
Rick had to admit he could sense something more there, no gym teacher would put
himself in front of a bullet for a student. “No Shane, what I see is you tryin’
to get yourself out of this. It’s not gonna happen, you hurt my son I’m not
gonna let you get away with it.”
“Yeah, well it’s too damn late for that. I will get away with it, I’ll shoot
you and your new best fuckin’ friend over there and I’ll take Carl. Tell the
cops you got caught up in some shoot up with that bastard and you both ended up
dead. It’ll be sad for a few months but I’m sure I’ll win Lori around. Move in
and have them both to myself. God knows you don't fuckin deserve them. You
never have. Christ, I was fuckin' them both right under your nose and you
didn't even know.”
Rick’s blood boiled with each word, anger surging beyond control within him.
He’d rather burn in hell that let that happen.  Just as Shane moved the gun
back towards Rick, he jumped at him, shoving him to the floor. The gun went
off, the bullet shooting into the air. Rick didn’t care, he was too lost in the
red haze that surrounded him. They struggled on the floor, Rick took advantage
of Shane’s injuries so he could straddle him on the concrete. He punched out
again and again. Each pained groan urging him on. He couldn't stop. The sharp
pain in his fists a punishment for his own failings.
He failed him.
He failed Carl.
A pained roar escaped him, he hit harder and harder.
Too soon he felt arms grab around his own, he desperately fought against them
as they hauled him backwards. He had to punish him.
“Rick, Rick, it's over. You've gotta stop.”
“No no no he's gotta pay.”
The voice returned to his ear. “It's over.You need to calm down for Carl.”
Carl.
His son.
His baby.
The fog cleared, he glanced through blurry eyes, finding Carl in the darkness.
“Carl?” He croaked out.
The figure came closer, kneeling down beside him. “I'm here. I'm here.”
“M’sorry, I’m so so sorry” His hand reached out to him.
“It’s alright, Dad, it’ll be alright.” Carl’s hand squeezed his own. Grounding
him back into the moment.
What the fuck had he done?
He’d killed someone.
His best friend.
Shock hit him hard again, numbing him through.
“Rick? We’ve gotta clear all this up before…” Negan let the sentence hand.
His words spurred him into action, he stood on shaky legs. Surveying the scene
in front of him, eyes adamantly avoiding the bloody body on the floor. He had
to stay calm, he could fix this. He’d worked on enough crime scenes to know how
to cover them up, if they were lucky then the crime scene wouldn’t even be
found.
“Right...okay…” He tried to pull his thoughts together. “Negan, take Carl back
to your place. Both of you shower when you get there, put your clothes in a bag
with the bat. Have you got any bleach at your place?” Negan nodded. “Bleach
them before you put them in the bag. I'll be there as soon as I can. You got
the keys to this place? I'll lock up as I leave.”
“Alright, you know Beckett’s Ride? I live in the cabin up there.”
“Yeah I know it.” Turning to face Carl he cupped a hand on his neck. “It'll be
alright Carl, we'll get through this.”
Carl nodded back at him, pulling him into a quick hug before he left. Rick
watched Negan lead him back to the cars before returning his attention to the
scene.
He had to focus. There was no room for any fuck ups.
**********
Carl was still shaking when they made it back to the car even the warmth of
Negan's arms did little the quell the coldness that seeped through him. His
mind was in disbelief about what he'd just seen. Negan had tried to protect him
from most of it, telling him not to look but he couldn't help himself, he
wanted to see it. He was almost sickened to remember the sharp tingles of
pleasure he felt at the sight of Shane so beaten. He only wished he'd been able
to do it himself.
He was fucking sick.
The night was a complete mess.
Negan didn't say anything as he drove, just kept a hard grip on the wheel. A
wave of anger flared inside him the more he looked at the man. He'd caused
this, his damn reckless anger caused this whole damn thing. He'd nearly lost
him. His heart almost stopped when the gun landed on Negan. Thoughts of losing
him were like a dagger in his heart. How could he put himself at risk like
that?
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Carl ground out.
“What?” Negan asked.
“What. Were. You. Thinking.” He repeated. “Going after Shane like that. Hanging
up on me?”
“Carl...I-I don't know. I just did what I thought I had to.”
“Had to? You hadto? What kind of bullshit answer is that?”
“Carl-”
“No. I’m talking now. How could you do that to me? Do you have any idea what
would have happened if you got caught? If Shane had beaten you? You could’ve
gone to jail, you could’ve died .”
“I didn’t care, fuck, I still don’t give a shit Carl. If it meant you were
fucking safe then I’d jump off the nearest damn cliff.”
“And how the fuck do you think I’d have felt knowing that you’d thrown your
life away for me?”
“You’d have gotten over it eventually.”
“Is that what you really think? No, I wouldn’t have Negan because goddamn it I
cannot stand the thought of not having you in it. Don’t you get that? I can
take all the beatings, the rapes, the stupid fuckin’ comments, but I could not
take losing you. You… Negan… Christ… I need you around. I need you here.” His
voice trembled over the last words, his rising emotions getting the better of
him as he thought about a life without the man in next to him.
“Carl…”
“Why didn’t you talk to me? We could’ve talked about it.”
“Because… I was fuckin’ scared Carl.”
“Of what?”
“Of you and how you’d react. Jesus those thoughts I had were fuckin’ crazy as
shit. I thought after that phone call I’d freaked you out. I thought you
wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I don’t care about that shit. It doesn’t bother me, God, it probably should be
I don’t care. You’ve got a good heart Negan, that's all I care about.”
“I-I'm sorry Carl.” He flicked his eyes over to him. “I didn't think. I didn't
realise…”
“Seems to be a lot of that tonight.”
“Yeah.” Negan sighed, shoving the car into park. They'd arrived back quicker
than he thought they would. “Shit Carl.” The man hung his head. “I fucked up
and I’m sorry for pissin’ you off but I won’t apologise for goin’ after him,
someone had to stop him Carl. Just the thought of him being in the same room as
you was fuckin’ torture.”
Soft brown eyes met his own, the sorrow in them burnt at the anger inside of
him, melting it away. “I...Negan...” Words just weren’t enough, not now. He
leaned forward placing a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. Taking a moment to
just exist with the man, forget the horrors of the night. They pulled apart,
leaning their foreheads together, eyes closed to the world. 
“We should go inside, don't think kissing was included in your dad’s orders.”
Negan spoke.
“That's a story for another day.” Carl replied stepping out of the car “Do you
think we'll be alright?”
“Your dad’s the best in town right? If anyone can cover this up then it's him.”
“What if they find Shane?”
“They won't. Even if they do it's not gonna come back to you Carl. We'll make
sure of it.”
“I don't care about that I want you guys to be safe.”
“Well all we care about is keeping you safe. Guess we'll have to protect each
other.”
“Yeah.” He wasn’t quite convinced.
“You hit the shower first, put your clothes in the tub, I'll grab the bleach.”
Carl nodded, leaving Negan alone downstairs. For the first time in his life the
shower wasn’t a comfort to him. He stood there, skin getting pounded by the
harsh flow of the heavy water, his eyes fixated by his own trembling hand. It
was all too much. Everything that had happened overwhelmed his body and mind.
His Dad knewand he’d believed him.
He felt so stupid. He could’ve told him sooner, then he would have avoided so
many years of pain and suffering. Things could’ve been so different.
“Carl?” The voice was accompanied by a knock on the door.
“Yeah?”
“You nearly done?”
“Okay, I’ll be out in a sec.” He quickly finished up, he hadn’t touched Shane
but nevertheless he scrubbed himself as hard as he could just in case. Stepping
out of the shower was a bitch, even with the steam the air was cool, it made
him shiver as he dried himself. He almost dropppd his towel when he bumped into
Negan outside the room. He looked damn ragged, like he'd aged a decade in the
space of a day. All Carl's fault. It pained his heart to think that he'd done
this to him.
“All done?” Negan asked.
“Yeah.”
“Good, grab yourself some clothes from my room, I’ll see you downstairs in a
bit.”
If he kept taking his clothes like this Carl was gonna have a whole wardrobe at
home dedicated to it. Still the reassuring warmth that settled over him as he
pulled one of his shirts over his head was like nothing in the world. The sharp
pain and guilt inside of him was quickly replaced by a longing to be back in
Negan’s arms, he craved the safety of them. He wrapped his own around himself,
trying to ease the vulnerability that he felt, rubbing his arms he began pacing
anxiously waiting for Negan to join him. He didn't want to go downstairs, not
on his own.
The second he walked into the room Carl raced over to him, throwing his arms
around him, he held on tight as he buried his face in his shoulder. A sigh of
relief left him when he felt Negan’s arms curl around him, one had stroked up
his back to cradle his head against him. Soothing murmurs were whispered in his
ear, Carl tried to focus on them instead of the emotions coursing through him.
As much as he wanted to stay there with him they had to finish cleaning up, so
he stood back, letting his arms fall away from him.
He didn’t know how long they stood there like that, lost in each other’s arms,
judging by how Negan’s hands trembled against him Carl figured he was just as
shaken up by the events of the night. Still, as much as he wanted to stay there
with him they had to finish cleaning up, so he stood back, letting his arms
fall away from him.
“You should..uh get dressed.” His cheeks flushed when he realised that he’d
thrown himself at the practically naked man. “I’ll wait downstairs.”
“Alright.” Negan reached out an arm to rub his shoulder. “It’ll be okay Carl.”
“Will it?” Carl wasn’t sure if he quite believed him, especially when his
question wasn’t answered.
He sat himself in his usual corner on the couch, curling up against the soft
material. It was still his favorite place in the whole cabin, his own little
space in Negan’s house. It gave him a certain feeling of calm amongst the
uncertainty about the future. He wished his Dad were here, he wanted to know
that he was alright. Carl had never seen him look like that before, so out of
control angry. He almost felt sorry for Shane. Almost.
Negan’s footsteps on the stairs had him turning around to face him, he watched
as the man tossed a black bag on the floor.
“That everything?” He asked him.
“Yeah, all of it. Even the towels.”
“What do you think he’ll do with it?”
Negan rubbed at the back of his neck. “I don’t know. Burn them or somethin’”
Carl stood, body itching to do something more than sitting around. He knew he
wouldn't be able to rest until his Dad was with them. So much had been left
unsaid there, things that they wouldn't be able to talk about when they got
home. Lights appeared on the snow outside, making it twinkle. He recognised his
Dad’s car pull up by the house. Carl slammed the door open, running outside to
greet the man. He’d changed, instead of his uniform he wore old jeans and a
sweater.
“Dad! What happened? Are you okay? What’s going on?” He knew it was unfair to
bombard him with questions but he wanted answers.
“Let’s get inside first Carl. Did you pack those clothes?” Rick asked Negan
once he entered the cabin. He couldn’t help but marvel at the place, it really
was damn gorgeous. Such a stupid thought to have in the midst of that night.
“Yeah, it’s all in the bag over here, bat’s still in the car.”
“OK, we’ll have to take it all out and burn it, clear up all the evidence.”
“What happened to…” Carl let the question hang in the air.
“I’m not tellin’ you that. The less you know the better, I’m not havin’ you lie
if it comes down to it.”
“Will it come down to it?” He asked him.
“It shouldn’t do. Everyone knows how flakey Shane is, it won’t be too hard to
convince them that he’s run off with some dumb bimbo. The plan is to let it sit
for a few days then start hinting at him disappearing, thankfully they’ll come
lookin’ to us for answer seein’ as we’re the closest thing to family he’s got.”
“So we just tell them that he’s left?”
“Yep, keep it simple. Anyone asks where we were tonight, you and I were at
home. Negan you went out to the factory to check up on it but came straight
home. Nice and simple.”
It sounded too simple to Carl, it felt unbelievable that they could kill
someone and get away with it like this. Even if the person they killed was
Shane. They stood in silence, taking in the gravity of the situation, they'd
all have to live with this.
“Negan, d’you think I could get a minute with Carl? His Mom might be home when
we get back and I need a word with him.”
Negan looked to Carl for approval and at the small nod he walked back upstairs.
“Give me a shout if you need me.”
He and his Dad took one another in, Carl waited for him to start talking.
“Carl…I don't…” Carl was surprised to hear his voice cracking, he'd never seen
his Dad look so in pain. “I don't know what to say. I'm just… I'm so damn
sorry. I'm sorry I failed you.”
“Dad you didn-”
“Yes I did Carl. I failed you, you were hurtin' and I didn't see. I was so busy
caught up in my own shit that I didn't see you. You're my son, my sweet baby
boy, I always promised I'd protect you and I failed. You should've been able to
come to me, it never should've gotten to this and that's on me for making you
think that I didn't care or that I cared about that monster more than you. I
was so fuckin’ blind and I'm sorry and I'm gonna be spending every last breath
I have on this earth trying to make it up to you. I'm so so sorry Carl.”
It was like he broke after that, Carl watched him sink to his knees, tears
springing up in his own eyes. He had his Dad back and that was
everything. “Please forgive me, I'm sorry, so sorry.” He kept repeating it over
and over, begging him through thick sobs. Carl's heart broke for him, for the
two of them, for the relationship that had been wrecked by the monster that had
laid between them. He rushed over to his Dad wrapping himself in his arms. They
sat there on the floor, clutching at one another as they tried to mend what had
broken. 
Chapter End Notes
     ...and there we go! Bye bye Shane I'm sure we're all gonna miss ya. I
     hope that lived up to expectations! I cannot say how many times I
     wrote this chapter out, there were so many ways this could've gone
     but Rick just made sense. He's the guy that tore a man's throat out
     for threatening his son, and even though we haven't seen much of him
     in this fic that's how I still perceive him. I wanted to give him
     that redemption.
     The other way this could have gone down would be Rick walking in on
     Negan killing Shane and help him cover the crime up for those who
     want an alternative.
     There will be more discussion with Rick and Carl coming up!
     Hope you guys enjoyed!
***** After it all *****
Chapter Notes
     Y'know everytime I update I look at the date of the last one and I'm
     like 'seriously! Has it been that long?!' The days are just flying
     past. Sooo we've got a lil angst here, some dark!Carl (cannot get
     enough), spacey!Rick, and Negan being Negan.
     I hope you enjoy the update, it's back to the usual 8,000+ that I
     started with :D
     Thanks as always for your lovely comments and kudos <3
See the end of the chapter for more notes
 
 
 
 
 
  "Only those willing to walk through the dark night will be able to see the
             beauty of the moon and the brilliance of the stars."
                        - Archbishop Socrates Villegas
===============================================================================
                                 January_2018
 
The harsh chime of the clock striking midnight jolted them apart, the events of
that night had them both on edge. They gave each other sheepish smiles at their
paranoia, both of them slightly embarrassed by their sudden show of emotion.
Carl couldn’t recall ever seeing his Dad cry, he couldn’t even remember the
last time he’d been the one to cry in front of him. Usually their emotions were
limited to brief flickers of joy, the occasional hug here and there to show
that they did in fact care for one another. The intimacy of the moment was new,
Carl wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. Apparently neither did his Dad for all
he did was awkwardly help him to his feet, and clap him on the back, clearing
his throat all the while.
“Carl?” His voice was raspier than usual, all that shouting must have taken his
toll on him. “I’m gonna ask you somethin’ now and I don’t want you to get mad,
or pass me off with any excuses, think it’s safe to say we’re past lyin’ to
each other.”
Carl awkwardly nodded in acknowledgement, he’d thought his Dad knew all the he
could ever want to know, more than he should ever want to know.
His Dad sighed gathering strength. “You and Negan… there’s somethin’ goin’ on
there.” His voice was matter of fact, no room for arguments, not that Carl
would think of arguing after everything they’d been through that night.. “I
can’t say that I’m happy about whatever is happening, if it is what I think it
is then it’s inappropriate and not just because he’s your gym coach Carl but...
he’s obviously been there for you and I can only assume that the reason you’ve
been more like your usual self recently has something to do with him. So I’m
willing to ignore the more illegal part of whatever it is you two have I just
have to check and you know why. He’s not hurting you is he?”
“God Dad no he’s not definitely not.” Carl exclaimed. He did get it, after
everything with Shane it was understandable but the man could not be more wrong
about Negan.

“Okay good I’m glad. He’s not coercing you or anything though? Using what’s
been going on to get close to you?”
“No, absolutely not. He’s just…” He had to pause, how on earth could he put
into words what Negan was. “He’s just been there for me Dad, he’s never forced
me to do or say anything that I didn’t want to do. He lets me be whoever I want
to be without having to make excuses for it. He made me feel normal when I
never thought I would again. We just are, y’know, it’s hard to put into words.”
“So you two you’re not… you’re not y’know…” Rick was going an alarming shade of
red.
“Oh god no , we’re not no none of that.” It was Carl’s turn to go red, not that
he hadn’t thought about it but his Dad really didn’t need to know that.
“Okay, okay.” His Dad was doing that awkward thing again, just standing, trying
to look anywhere but at him. Not that Carl was doing any better, after
everything he’d told him that night this was the conversation that was actually
painful to have. “I’m not gonna ask anymore. You two… like I said I’m not happy
about it but I’m glad you’ve got someone right now. Especially given the fact
that he was willing to take a goddamn bullet for you.”
“Thank you Dad.” He felt a surge of appreciation for him, this conversation
could’ve gone so badly, he sensed that this wasn’t the end of it but at least
he wasn’t trying to keep them apart.
Rick gave him a quick, sad smile. “Thanks for bein’ honest Carl.”
Carl flicked a smile back at him. “Speaking of Negan, we should probably let
him back downstairs now, it’s not really fair to keep him out of his own living
room.”
“Shit, right.” Rick yelled up the stairs for him, almost immediately his heavy
steps fell on the staircase.
“All good?” Negan asked as he arrived on the bottom step, almost disconcerted
by the identical pairs of blue eyes that landed on him.
“Yeah.” Carl replied, giving him a sweet smile.
“Negan.” Rick grabbed his attention. “I wanted to thank you, for everything
you’ve done for Carl. For being there when I damn well wasn’t, it’s good to
know that he has you looking out for him.”
Carl was amused to see a blush spread across Negan’s face, he’d never seen the
man look so bashful.

“Anytime Rick.”
“Good. Now where’s the bat you had tonight? I’ll need to keep it with the rest
of the things, get rid of them as soon as possible.”
Pure horror spread across Negan’s face. “No way, no way in hell am I gettin’
rid of Baby.”
“Baby?” Rick asked.
“His bat.” Carl explained.
“The bat is called baby?”
“It’s a thing.” Carl tried to pass it off.
"What kinda thing?"
"Gettin' off-topic Dad."
“She’s stayin’ right here with me. It’s bad enough you put a hole in her you’re
not taking her away from me.”
Rick rolled his eyes, there’s no way anyone could be so sentimental about a
damn bat. “Negan, if anyone finds it with Shane’s blood on it there’ll be
questions.”
“Yeah, well it’s just my fingerprints on it so if anything happens it’ll happen
to me and that’s a risk I’m damn well willing to take.”
“There’s no point arguing with him Dad, the bat’s not going anywhere.”
Rick sighed in resignation, throwing his hands up defeated. “Alright, at least
clean it up okay? We’ll take the rest of the stuff home, I’ll burn it in the
BBQ.” Rick looked down at his watch. “We should get goin’ Carl, your Mom will
be home soon.”
Carl hadn’t even thought about leaving, he hated the thought of leaving Negan
here on his own after what had happened. He didn’t even want to be on his own
in his room, he knew he’d spend the night going over and over the events. At
least here he’d be away from the constant reminders of Shane. “Uh, Dad, could I
have minute with you?” He flicked his gaze over to Negan, silently pleading for
some privacy. Negan nodded and walked away into the kitchen. “Could I stay?
Negan shouldn’t be on his own tonight, none of us should.”
“Jesus Carl, I know I said I wasn’t gonna protest about the two of you but
there’s not way in hell that I’m leaving you alone here. Before you even think
it I’d do the same with anyone that you were seeing, it’s not appropriate.”
“Dad, c’mon nothing like that’s gonna happen, I just wanna be here for him.”
Carl heard the groan from Rick, saw the exasperation across his face. “I’m not
gonna win this one am I?”
“Nope.”
“Fine, but I’m stayin’ too.”

“What?”
“Yeah, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
It was Carl’s turn to roll his eyes, it was what he deserved he supposed after
several months of wishing his father would step up and be a dad to him again.
“Okay, you call Mom, I’ll go check with Negan.” He left the man to join Negan
in the kitchen.
“Everythin’ alright?” Negan asked, putting down the glass he’d been playing
with.
“I think so… he knows, about us.”
Negan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You told him?”
“He figured it out. Apparently we’re not as secretive as we think we are.”
“Jesus, how am I not dead?”
“Must be that charming personality of yours.” He joked. “Anyways is it alright
if we stay here? Don’t think any of us should be on our own tonight.”
“I’d be fine Carl.” Negan tried to placate him. “You don’t have to stay here
for me.”
“It’s not just for you. I don’t even want to be at home right now. Too many
memories. I don’t think Dad’s really ready to see Mom yet either.”
Negan nodded at him. “Fair enough…” He was interrupted by his Dad walking into
the room.
“So it’s all good with your Mom, is it alright with you Negan?”
“Yeah, it’s fine, I’ll put you up in the guest room.”
Guest room? All the times Carl had slept on the couch when the man had a
perfectly good guest room for him to use? He was gonna have to have a little
chat with him about that whenever they had another minute alone.
“Thank you.” Rick replied gratefully. “Think we could all do with a good
night’s sleep.”
“Hell yeah. C’mon I’ll show you up there.”
The room was nice and simple, a large double bed filled the centre of the room.
Not much thought had been put in but it was cosy enough. Negan left them to it
quickly enough, probably eager to escape his Dad’s accusing glare. As much as
he said he’d be alright with it Carl figured it’d be some time before he truly
was.
“You alright with sharing?” Rick asked. “I can sleep on the floor.”
Carl thought back to the last time he’d slept in the same place as someone, how
he’d freaked out at Negan first thing. In all honesty he wasn’t sure if he was
alright with sharing the bed considering how his only experience of sharing a
actual bed with someone was with Shane. This was his Dad, he reminded himself,
he’d killed a guy for hurting him he wasn’t going to do anything. It was just
one of the many hurdles he was gonna have to get over. “It’s fine, just…
m’sorry if I hit out at you.” No point in hiding the truth.
Another sad look flitted across his Dad’s face, Carl had a feeling he’d be
seeing that sorry look a lot in the days to come. They didn’t talk after that,
just slid into bed and laid there in silence. Soon enough his father’s heavy
snores filled the room, Carl rolled over to face away from him. It was gonna be
a long night.
**********
The snores woke him up a few hours later, he rolled his eyes in frustration,
filled with the temptation to stuff the pillow over his Dad’s face. There was
no way that he was gonna be able to sleep again with that noise in his ears.
Looks like it was back to his couch, he grabbed a pillow and headed out the
door. Negan’s was left open, the bed was empty but it looked like it had been
slept in, the glow that lit up the staircase hinted that he’d also decided to
go downstairs that evening. Carl followed the light, finding Negan sat in his
favorite spot on the couches. “You’re in my spot.” Carl smiled as he spoke. He
almost melted at the soft, sleepy smile that appeared on Negan’s face in
return.
“Sorry, forgot you owned the damn place.”
“So you should be.” The man looked so damn tired, Carl doubted that he’d gotten
any sleep that night. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“Nah, too many thoughts bashing around y’know?”
“Yeah I get it.” His body gave an involuntary shiver at the cool air.
“Cold?”
“Mmhmm, as much as Dad’s snoring woke me up the bed was nice and warm.”
Negan lazily lifted his arm, gesturing him over. “C’mere.”
They curled in around each other, legs intertwining as chests met, Carl basked
in the warmth of Negan’s arms. He closed his eyes and snuggled in closer,
taking a moment to indulge himself, thisis what he needed. For the first time
that night he felt himself relax, the knots that had been twisting in his
stomach since this whole nightmare began finally started unwinding.
“Better?” Negan asked, his breath fluttering against his hair.
“Much.”
“Good.” The man stroked comforting circles on his back, warming his body up
again.
“So you have a guest room?”
Carl felt the smile form against his head. “Yeah, I have a guest room.”
“So all those times I had to sleep on here there was a perfectly comfy bed for
me up there?”
Negan’s chest vibrated with a low chuckle. “It’s not my fault you fell asleep
before I could say anything.”
“S’rude.” Carl yawned out.
“You’re not falling asleep on me again are you? I’m gonna start taking it
personally.”
“Nooo, I’m totally awake.” Even as he spoke he felt himself drifting off.
“Nuh-uh, you’re not falling asleep on me.” Negan started shifting around,
dislodging him from his slumber.
“Why not?” He pouted at him.
“Don’t give me that pout. Your father’s upstairs if he finds you all spread out
on top of me it’ll be myballs that get cut off and turned into meatballs”
“Thanks for that image.” The man really had a great way with words. “I’ll be
good, no more sleep.”
“Good.” Negan settled himself again, stroking a hand up and down Carl’s arm
this time. How on earth did something so simple feel so good? “How’re you
feelin’? Is it different? Knowing he’s gone?”
Carl hadn’t really thought about it, there had been too much else to consider
before he’d even thought about the fact that Shane was really gone. He’d never
have to deal with him again, never have to deal with those haunting touches.
“It’s a… relief. I dunno, it doesn’t feel real yet. Part of me thinks he’ll
walk through those doors any second and drag me away.” Negan’s arms tightened
around him.
“I’d never let that happen.”
“I know.” He meant it, he’d never felt more safe that he was right in that
moment, secure in Negan’s arms. “It does feel different, think it’ll take
awhile to feel real though.” He hesitated before continuing. “Is it different
for you?”
“A little, still feel like he’s gonna take you away from me, guess that’s
something we’ve both gotta live with. Was nice to get a few good hits in
though.” His voice almost had a nostalgic tone to it.
“Looked like more than a few good hits.”
“Yeah.”
Carl rolled his eyes at the dreamy pride in his voice, he couldn’t really blame
him, Carl was pretty damn proud of him too. Hell, not just proud, the sight of
him standing over Shane’s bloodied body had filled him with thoughts that he
was reluctant to admit were his. It tapped into a darker part of his soul that
had laid dormant inside of him all those years. He’d wanted nothing more than
to kiss him in that moment, taste the blood of that monster mingled with the
delectable taste that was so Negan. It was sick, he was sick. “Did you like
it?” He blurted out. He needed to know if it was just him or had Negan felt the
same lust strike through him. When his eyes locked with Carl that night had he
wanted to kiss him, share in the victory with him as much as Carl had wanted
to? “When you hit him? Did you like it?”
He felt Negan shift uncomfortably beneath him. “Carl…” There was a reluctance
in his voice that told Carl all he needed to know.
Carl shifted back to face him, their eyes locking together in the dim glow, he
swallowed hard before speaking. “I liked it.” He confessed hoping to urge Negan
on. “When I saw you standing there above him, saw his blood on your face, I
liked it. More than I thought I ever thought I would.” It was a time for
honesty, in the sanctity of the dark room, just the two of them. Their own
private confessional. He felt Negan’s breath hitch at his words, swore he could
see his pupil dilate slightly. It was getting harder to breath, the air turning
too thick in the room to reach his lungs.
“Yes…” Negan’s voice rasped out. “I fuckin’ loved it Carl. Every single second
of it, everytime my bat hit him was like a fuckin’ rushCarl.”
That was enough for Carl he slammed his lips down on Negan’, a muffled moan
escaping him as he felt his lips move against his own, returning the passion
with equal fervour. It was all too much and not enough, he inched himself
closer to Negan, hands gripping at any part of him that he could get at. The
kiss wasn’t like the others they’d shared in the past, it was raw, there was no
time for gentle caresses just an urgency to feel as much of the other as
possible. Carl knew it was stupid, inappropriate even, but with the first sweep
of Negan’s tongue in his mouth he couldn’t find himself caring. He just pushed
himself up and over the older man, swinging his leg over to straddle him taking
what he'd been secretly longing for the last few hours.  He wanted him so
badly, wanted him to know just how much his actions had affected him. He wanted
to revel in the darkness that lurked inside of them, allow it to seep out into
the other so they could twine together. Negan’s hands roamed over him each
touch lighting up his skin sending sparks of pleasure that made him feel light-
headed. He let his own hand dip under Negan’s shirt, running his palms across
the hair on his chest following its trail down muscles that he’d been thinking
about for so long. Another jolt of pleasure raced through him at the low moan
vibrated from Negan’s mouth, the kiss growing more frantic with each brush of
their bodies against each other. Teeth tormenting plump lips between gentle
sucks that had his heart racing. Negan’s hands shifted lower, they grabbed at
his ass dragging him tighter against the muscled body under him, the first
brush of a hardness against his own had him breaking the kiss. His head swirled
with the pleasure, it was all too much, he held himself still, air heaving out
of him as he tried to catch his breath.
“Shit.”Mumbled Negan against his lips. “We...should stop.”
“Yeah.” Carl breathed out, they couldn’t do this, not know. As much as his body
screamed at him to continue it was far too soon. “Okay... you should...um...
go.” His body still shook with wanting, worsened when he opened his eyes to see
just how disheveled Negan was. His hair even more mussed up from Carl’s
grabbing hands, lips swollen and red. He looked so damn good. Carl quickly
clambered off of him, pushing himself into his corner in an attempt to stop
himself doing anything stupid.
“I’ll see you in the morning then.” Negan spoke, his breathing just as
staggered as Carl’s.
“Yeah, night.”
“Night.”
Carl didn’t watch him leave, just shoved himself down into the couch, arms
flinging over his face as he willed his body to calm the fuck down.
**********
                                Two_weeks_later
 
The days since that night had been hell. The initial shock and relief at losing
Shane was quickly replaced by the paranoia of the role he now had to play. Word
had spread quickly about his disappearance, that type of thing was always a hot
topic in towns like this. As his Dad had said everyone had turned to the Grimes
family for answers on his whereabouts, every single trip out involved some kind
of conversation with someone about Shane. It made Carl hyper-aware of every
word that left his mouth, he usually let his Dad do the talking but on the days
when Carl was alone it was hard to remember exactly what to say. It was
remarkable how calm and collected his Dad was whenever he spoke about Shane,
nothing like the mess he was at home. The questioning was slowly easing off as
the days passed, people seemed to accept what they had said about Shane running
off with a girl. Most of them expected Shane to be back within the month
anyways Carl just hoped that there weren’t anymore questions when that month
passed.
It didn’t help that he was suddenly the centre of attention at school because
of it, people gossiping in the corridors, pestering him for more information.
It made it harder to spend time with Negan at school, their encounters had
strictly been limited to brief flickers of eye contact in the bustle between
classes. Carl hadn’t risked going for his usual runs after school, that
conversation with Simon made him more scared of doing something that would get
Negan in trouble. He missed him so much, the hushed evening phone calls just
weren’t enough. They hadn’t been able to set up a time to see each other, his
Dad choosing to keep him occupied each evening and weekend since. He wasn’t
sure if it was because he wanted to keep Carl close or if he wanted to keep him
away from Negan. Either way it was getting more and more frustrating to spend
his evenings sat awkwardly on his couch whilst his parents avoided having the
conversation that they desperately needed to.
They hadn’t told Lori yet, his Dad had wanted to, he was more than ready to
have it out with her about the affair but Carl had asked him to hold off. He
needed more time to build himself back up after telling his Dad. It didn’t help
that she’d been distraught by Shane’s sudden disappearance, she’d locked
herself in her room for two days, even when she left she barely spoke to either
of them. It had been clear that she’d been crying, her eyes were red, face
puffy. It was disconcerting how badly she was taking it, Carl wondered whether
that supposed ‘one night stand’ with him had actually been more than that.
He shook his head, those thoughts would lead him down a dangerous path and now
really wasn’t the time for that. The library was practically empty at this
point, it was late on a friday most students had already gone home but Carl
wanted to finish off the homework for that weekend. He’d hoped that if he
finished it off early then he might be able to sneak over to Negan’s that
weekend. His Dad couldn't keep him locked away forever no matter how much he
might like that. His pen tapped on the sheet as he tried to focus on the
textbook in front of him, it was just so boring, even the promise of a few
hours with Negan weren’t quite enough to stop the yawn escape him.
“Boring right?”
He jumped at the light voice that appeared in his ear, spinning around in his
chair to see Enid standing awkwardly behind him. “Enid? Hi.” He most definitely
did not expect her to be talking to him, the surprise increased when she
shuffled around to take the seat opposite him. It was just the two of them in
that area, Carl had chosen a table hidden away in the stacks for the precise
reason that he knew he wouldn't be interrupted.
“How’s it going?” She asked, playing with the textbook that she’d placed in
front of herself.
“Y’know...uh….same as usual.” Why on earth was she talking to him? He was
almost alarmed to see her make herself more comfortable in front of him. Was
she planning on staying?
“Yeah, same.”
Awkward silence sat between them. “Is there something I can do for you?” Carl
eventually cracked, he couldn’t handle the uncertainty considering everything
else that was going on. He needed to know what she was up to, they hadn’t
spoken in nearly two years now, she’d barely even glanced at him as they passed
in corridors. Frankly he just wanted her to leave, he wanted to get on with his
work so he could get out of the damn place.
“I just… I heard about Shane…”
So that’s why she’s here, he should’ve known. “So you want the gossip then?
There’s nothing to tell.”
“NO.” She blurted out, looking around to make sure she hadn’t drawn anyone’s
attention with her noise. “No, this is coming out all wrong.”
“What is?”
“I never wanted to stop being friends with you Carl, you were my best friend,
the closest thing I had to a brother.”
“They why’d you do it?” It was unfair of him to ask her that, it’d been mostly
his fault that they’d stopped talking. He’d stopped caring, he’d taken all his
anger and despair out on her, it was only right that she left him.  
“Shane… he… after that time at your house, y’know when he yelled at me.” She
mumbled. “He saw me after school one day, threatened me, said if he ever saw me
speak to you again he’d make me disappear. I was so scared I just couldn’t risk
it.”
He’d had no idea, Shane had never mentioned anything like that. Although he
couldn't say he was surprised, Shane was the only one to know how close he and
Enid really were, it made sense that she’d be the first one he’d get rid of.
“Enid, I’m so sorry, I had no idea.” He genuinely was, no one should have to
deal with that monster.
She gave him a tight smile. “It’s not your fault, that guy was crazy. He’s gone
for good right?”
“I-I don’t know.” He wanted to tell her yes, that she never had to be worried
about him anymore but he couldn't do that to his father. “I think so, he seemed
pretty in love with the girl he ran of with, always talking about her.”
“I can't believe anyone would fall in love with him.” Venom filled her voice.
“He was vile.”
“Yeah.” He tried to ignore the pain that washed over him, he wished he could’ve
protected her from him. It was yet another part of his life that the man had
taken away from him, how much would’ve been different if Shane hadn’t forced
her way? Did that mean she would’ve stayed? Maybe he’d have told her what was
going on sooner, things could’ve been so different. It was becoming apparent
that he was going to have to get used to burying these alternative realities
before he went crazy with it.
“Could we try again? I’m not saying we have to be what we were but I’ve missed
you Carl. It’d be good to just hang out again.”
“Uh… sure.” He knew they wouldn’t talk again, deep down he knew that bridge had
been long burned between them. Too much had passed since they were friends
they’d both changed, it was unlikely that they’d even have anything in common
anymore. Still, he couldn’t keep pushing people away just because it was easier
not to deal with them, he’d tried that before and it had turned his Dad into a
damn murderer.
She gave him one of her bright smiles, almost instantly relaxing. “Great! Want
some help with the homework? Maybe between the two of us we could stay awake
for it.”
It was nice studying with her, the occasional joke passed between them amidst
awkward silences. He just didn't know what to say to her anymore, he couldn't
even recall the conversations they used to have. He couldn't get over the
persistent thought that she was only there for information, what she'd said
about Shane might very well be true but did she really care about him after all
this time? It made him uneasy. He wasn't unhappy when the librarian ushered
them out at the end of the day. Enid was insistent on giving him her number, he
didn't want it, almost certain that he wasn't going to use it. It wasn't that
he didn't like her company but he hated not being able to be free around her,
watching every small thing that he said was exhausting.
The tension seeped out of him when she finally walked away. He could relax.
His decision to walk through the football field instead of around it had
nothing to do with the fact that Negan should still be training the baseball
team for the new season. At least that’s what he told himself, he definitely
wasn’t going so he could catch a glimpse of Negan before the weekend. Clearly
it was a lucky night for him, the baseball team were just making their way off
the field as he arrived, leaving Negan on his own to tidy up once again.
“Don’t they ever help you clear up?” He called out, dropping his bag to the
grass.
A butterfly-inducing smile spread over Negan’s face, those dimples making
Carl’s heart skip in his chest. Yet that all had nothing on the lust that
pooled in his stomach at the sight of the man holding a baseball bat again, not
covered in blood but apparently that didn’t matter to his body.
Sick, fucking sick Carl
“You gonna come up with a new pick up line?” The smile stayed on his face as he
swaggered over to Carl. At least that night hadn’t changed Negan at all, the
man seemed to resort back to his usual ways straight after.
“Eh that one’s been workin’ for me just fine.”
“Oh yeah? Hittin’ on many people?” He cocked an eyebrow in a way that made Carl
want to jump on him all over again.
Bad bad bad Carl.
“Just one, he seems to like it.”
“Lucky guy.”
“Mmm, I’m more inclined to say I’m the lucky one.”
A shit-eating grin spread across Negan’s face and Carl just knew what he was
going to say. “Yeah I’d say so too.”
Carl rolled his eyes at him reaching down to grab one of the bats. “You want my
help?”
“Nuh-uh, you’re way to distracting.” He plucked the bat out of his hands. Carl
pouted at him. “None of that. Need I remind you what happened last time you
pouted?”
“Definitely not.” He sighed out, licking his suddenly dry lips. The air
crackled between them as they both recalled exactly what happened after his
last pouting session.
“Exactly.” Negan cleared his throat, looking away from Carl. “You can help if
you stop with the pouting.”
“I’ll be good.”
They returned to their old routine, moving around each other to finish up as
quickly as possible, the understanding that the quicker they finished the
quicker they could actually have a discussion.
“So how’ve you been?” Carl asked as they finally returned to their spot on the
bleachers. He had a quick look around, it seemed to be just the two of them
nonetheless he put a few more inches between them than he usually would. Just
in case, although he was more at ease talking with the man, he didn’t want to
push it when everything else in his life seemed to be hanging on tenterhooks.
“Me? I’ve been fine, keepin’ busy.”
“Really?” Carl pushed, he didn’t quite believe him.
“Nope, I’ve been sitting around on the couch like an idiot waiting for you to
call or the cops to arrive. It’s fuckin’ pathetic.”
“I get it. Everytime I hear sirens go past I think they’re coming for Dad.”
“How’s he takin’ it?
“Not great. He keeps spacing out, I don’t think he’s slept much. I think it
takes it out of him he in public, staying on top of the lies. It doesn’t help
that Mom’s taking the whole Shane thing really hard.”
“You told her?”
“No, I was going to but she was so upset about him leaving, I just… I really
don’t think she’ll believe me over him.”
“She’s your mom Carl she’ll have your back.”
“You think?”
“Yeah and if she doesn’t then that’s her loss. You’ll always have your Dad and
you’ll always have me.”
“Always huh? That’s a big commitment.”
“Eh I like to stick around.”
“Like a bad smell.”
“So fuckin’ rude, last time I’m nice to you.”
“Like I believe that.” He laughed.
“Look, don’t worry about your Mom, whatever happens with her will happen. If
she’s willing to believe that fucker over you then she’s got bigger problems
than missing her damn boyfriend.”
“Doesn’t make it any easier though. She’s my mom.”
“Well there’s only one way you’ll get your answer.”
“Yeah, guess you’re right. I’ll think about it, maybe do it this weekend. Last
person I ever have to tell right?”
Negan gave a soft laugh. “You don’t have to tell anyone Carl, there’s no
pressure, especially now you’re safe from Shane. Your life, you history, is
yours to share with whoever you damn well want. It’s their privilege to hear
it, not a right. What happened isn’t who you are, it doesn’t fucking define you
as a person, it happened, it changed you, but it isn’t you. There’s so much
more to you than this.”
Tears stung at his eyes the more Negan spoke, what happened to him had become
such a defining part of who he was the last couple of years it was hard to
imagine himself as a person again. He’d only just started appreciating that
Negan wanted to be around him because he liked who he was, not because he
wanted something from him. Even with his parents it felt like they only wanted
him for bragging rights at times. “You really think that?” He asked.
“Hell fuckin’ yes and I’m gonna keep tellin’ you that until you damn well
believe it yourself Carl.” His arm twitched, raising halfway as if reaching out
for him before thinking the better of it. Carl looked it longingly wishing he
would rise it up again. He really did miss him, at times the mere thought of
being back in Negan’s arms was the only thing that kept him going crazy.
“I should go.” He was on the verge of doing something stupid and if he stuck
around then he’d be unable to stop himself. I’ll see you Monday.” He eventually
said, the words catching.
“Yeah, see you then.” Negan gave him a sad wave before heading back into the
school.
**********
When he arrived back his dad was laid back on the couch, beer on his stomach,
watching the TV. It wasn't until Carl actually looked at the box that he
realised the TV wasn't actually on. He'd been doing that a lot recently,
seeming to get caught up staring into space. Carl wished he knew how to help
him get out of it. “Hey Dad.”
“Hey, good day at school?” Rick sat up, focusing his attention on his son.
“Yeah, it was good. I uh spoke to Enid actually.”
“Enid? Wow, how long’s it been since you talked with her?”
“A good year or so.” He sank down beside his Dad, curling up into the corner.
“So what brought that on?”
He was reluctant to bring up Shane, it never failed to bring the conversation
round to telling his Mom everything but he was trying to be more honest with
his Dad. He wanted to work on their relationship, he was ready to work on their
relationship, it was the least he could do considering all his Dad had done for
him. “Shane actually.” He saw his Dad stiffen at the mention of his name.
“Turns out he threatened her, said he’d make her disappear if he saw her
talking to me. Now that he’s gone she said she wants to try again.”
“He threatened her?” Rick shook his head in disbelief. “When did he become such
a monster?”
Carl didn’t have an answer for him, he’d figured that Shane always been a
monster hiding away in disguise but his Dad probably wouldn’t want to hear
that, so he just waited for him to shift the conversation onto it’s inevitable
course.
“So…”
Here they go.
“Have you thought anymore about telling your Mom?” Rick asked.
“Uhh, yes.”
“And?”
“I still don’t know…”
“It won’t be the same as telling me Carl, I’ll be right here with you the whole
time, I’ll make sure she believes you.”
“I’m just scared Dad.”
Rick shifted closer, wrapping an arm around him. “I know but once it’s done
then it’s done.”
Carl nodded. “Maybe next weekend?”
“Alright.” His Dad paused. “I’m gonna talk to her about the affair tonight. I
won’t mention anything about you Carl I just can’t keep this up anymore. I
can’t keep pretending everything’s alright with us when she seems to be more
upset about Shane leaving than the fact that our marriage is in trouble.”
“D’you think you’ll get divorced?” He asked quietly, almost afraid of the
answer. He wasn’t even sure which one he wanted to hear.
“I don’t know, possibly, probably. Just know it’s nothing to do with you Carl,
none of it. Our marriage problems are our own, hell they started long before
any of this stuff with Shane.”
“Yeah, doesn’t make it easier for either of us though.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
Carl sighed. “I’m gonna go grab some food, Mom’ll be home soon and I’d like to
be away from this conversation if it’s happening tonight.”
“Of course, I’ll see you in the mornin’ then.” His Dad gave him a quick peck on
the forehead before he darted off.
Rick had been trying to be more affectionate with him, it started with small
touches, the occasional hair ruffle but had now moved onto random hugs when
they passed each other. As much as Carl appreciated the show of love it was
getting abit suffocating. His Mom pulled up just as he was running up the
stairs with his chips, the only thing he could be bothered to grab for dinner.
He made sure to leave the door open, he didn’t think any child would want to
hear their parents argue but he did. Part of him was just scared that his Dad
wouldn’t keep his secret, that he’d blurt it out to his Mom in the heat of the
moment. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive him if he did that. The
conversation started slow, just vague murmurs that he couldn’t really make out.
He crept out of his room so he could sit at the top of the stairs and listen
in. His Dad clearly hadn’t beaten around the bush, they were already arguing
about Shane, his Mom making up excuses for what had happened with him. It was
almost painful to have her reduce it down to nothing, that ‘nothing’ had caused
him so much suffering the last couple of years. It had repercussions that she
couldn’t ever imagine. He couldn't quite believe the crap coming out of her
mouth, she even dared to blame his Dad for the affair, how could she say that
he was never around when neither was she.
“So it’s your fault he left.” She’d spat out. That was the last straw for Carl
he had to do something, it wasn’t all his Dad’s fault she had to know that.
They all had their part to play in it.
“It wasn’t his fault Mom.” He interrupted, faltering slightly when their angry
faces landed on him.
His Dad softened. “Carl you don’t have to do this now.”
“Do what? What don’t you have to do Carl?” His Mom asked, her eyes searching
his face.
“It’s about Shane, why he left.”
“You don’t have to make excuses for him Carl it’s pretty obvious what happened
with Shane. Why don’t you go back upstairs whilst your Dad and I talk.” She
tried to give him a loving smile, urging him to leave now.
He stood his ground, he had to do this, she had to know. It wasn’t fair for his
Dad to take all the blame for Shane’s disappearance especially if it meant that
she looked down on him for it. “Shane...  he didn’t leave because of Dad. He
left because of me.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “Carl, please, stop it let me have a proper
conversation with your father.”
“Jesus Lori can you stop interrupting him, he’s trying to tell you something.”
“And what exactly do you know that I don’t? He’s my son too Rick.”
“I know that Lori, would you just listen to him.” Rick ground out.
“I do listen to him, Rick I’m geting sick of how yo-”
“He raped me Mom.” Carl blurted out, it was getting easier and easier to say
it. The nerves didn’t disappear though, the tension still held firm in his
body, waiting for her response. She didn’t say anything, a confused look
appeared on her face. He looked out for any sign that she was going to say
something. He flicked his eyes over to his Dad, they met over her shoulder, he
gave Carl a small reassuring smile that did nothing to ease the rats gnawing at
his stomach.
“Lori…” His Dad started.
“Wha-” She sighed, eyes closing. “Why would you say something like that Carl?”
He felt his heart drop into his stomach, this is what he’d been afraid of, it
was happening. It was actually happening. He’d been so lucky with his Dad and
Negan it was a simple no questions asked situation.
“Because it’s true Lori.” Rick answered for him.
“How on earth do you know? Oh my god did you help him make this up?”
“No, Jesus Lori, it’s all the truth. I didn’t want to believe it either but
it’s true.”
She just barked out a disbelieving laugh. “Look Carl, I don’t know what your
Dad’s told you but you don’t have to say this stuff, it’s not gonna make things
better.”
“I-I’m not lying Mom, he hurt me, for two years he hurt me. I told Dad a couple
of weeks ago and he told Shane to leave. He’s just been trying to keep me
safe.” He pleaded with her to see sense. “You have to believe me Mom I wouldn’t
lie.”
Her face softened. “Carl, is this because of what happened with Shane and I?
Some way of getting him away from me or getting back at me for it?”
“No Mom I don’t care about that.”
“Please listen to him Lori, I saw the damn bruises he left on our son, the
guy’s sick.”
“Bruises? I’ve never seen any bruises on him.”
“Yes you have, we just never realised where they were from. The time he got
‘mugged’ after we got back from vacation that was Shane, Carl was just trying
to cover it up.”
“Why would you need to cover it up? You know that kind of thing is wrong. If it
really happened you would’ve told me before. This is clearly you two trying to
punish Shane for what we did.”
“Mom-"
“No Carl, I’m not hearing anymore lies. I can’t believe you two, how could you
say such awful things about a man who’s been nothing but good to you guys.”
Carl felt like he was inches away from a complete meltdown, anger vibrated
through his body. How dare she say that about Shane? The sharp sting of yet
another betrayal chipped at him, he’d never expected for her to be the one to
let him down like this. If anything he’d expected his Dad to be the one to
question anything, he almost regretted leaving it this long to tell her, at
least before he had the marks to prove it.
“Are you gonna apologise Carl? For what you’ve said?” She asked.
Just as he was about to snap back at her, his Dad did it for him. “Get out.”
“What?” She turned to face his father.
“Get. Out.” He ground out again. “I’m not having you talk like this in front of
my son. So grab some things and get out.”
“Are you kidding me Rick?”
“No. You can come back when you’re ready to accept the truth but while you call
him a liar you’re not welcome in this house.”
Her face turned steely before she turned to race up the stairs.
Almost immediately his Dad took him into his arms. “I’m sorry Carl, I’m so
sorry. I didn’t think she’d react like this.”
He didn’t return the hug, he felt too numb, the walls he’d been trying to break
down were slowly shooting back up. This was more painful that he’d ever
imagined, he wanted to follow her up the stairs, talk to her until she believed
him. Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough, maybe he had to tell her more, make her
see.
“Carl?” Rick had pulled back, trying to catch Carl’s eyes. “It’ll be alright,
she’ll come around, she probably just needs some time to take it in.”
Carl tried to listen, tried to believe him. He just couldn’t see it. Had he
lost his mother forever? Although their relationship had been fractured, he’d
always imagined that one day they’d resume their old ways. Now that seemed like
an impossibility. Even if she did eventually believe him, how could he ever
forgive her for doubting him? For choosing to believe in Shane over her own
son.
He didn’t look at her when she arrived back down the stairs, just focused on
the old family photo that sat on the fireplace. Were they ever really that
happy?
“I’ll be at Tracey’s when you’re ready to come apologise. I know I screwed up,
I shouldn’t have done what I did with him but that is no reason to drag his
name through the dirt like this.”
“Just leave Lori.” His Dad snapped. Carl was grateful for that he wasn’t sure
if he could spend another minute in her presence.
The door clicked shut behind her. Silence filled the room, Carl sat back down
on the couch, defeated by the conversation they just had. He still couldn’t
believe it had really happened. This month was rapidly becoming a nightmare
that he was more than ready to wake up from. “Dad?” He whispered. “You still
believe me right?” Unfair doubts seeped poison through him, what if his Dad
changed his mind? What if he started to believe her?
“Carl look at me.” Carl reluctantly did so. “I believe you. I will always
believe you. Nothing your Mom says will ever change that. I believe you, it’s
your turn to believe me now.”
Carl nodded, reaching out for his Dad to hold him. The man wasted no time in
wrapping him in his arms, this time he tightened his own around him.
***********
He'd been watching his Dad all morning, hovering around him, looking out for
any signs that he might be on the verge of a complete breakdown. His whole
world had been turned upside down there's no way that he was just fine. Carl
had barely been holding it together and he'd had years to adjust to the fact
that Shane wasn't the good guy everyone thought he was. The only good thing was
that he'd been so busy watching out for his Dad that he hadn't had a chance to
think about his own feelings. Last night had been a shock to say the least and
he'd spent more time that he wanted crying about it before he fell into an
uneasy sleep. He kept waking up hoping that she'd changed her mind and would
come rushing back in apologizing. Even now he still hoped she might come to her
senses, that maybe her reaction was just an instinctive one because of the
shock. As the day drew on he quickly realised that wasn't going to happen.
He went on a run out to the store, nearly slipping on ice several times but he
needed the crisp air in his lungs. It was too suffocating in that house, the
absence of his Mom too noticeable for him to ignore it. He came back from the
store to find his Dad standing in their kitchen just staring into space. He
didn't acknowledge Carl's entrance, just kept staring.
“Dad?” He cautiously approached him, not wanting to startle the man.
“Is this where he did it? That first time? You said it happened in the
kitchen.”
He tentatively placed the bags down trying to buy himself some time before he
had to answer the question. “Yeah, the...um...counter there.” He pointed to the
island that dominated the centre of the kitchen. He didn't look at it, he
hadn't been able to look at it since it had happened. It had become a habit to
avert his eyes, not wanting to risk the memories springing to the surface. Even
now at the sheer mention of it he could feel that punishing grip on the back of
his neck, the clawing of sharp nails dragging at his clothes.
The subtle flare of Rick’s nostrils was the only indication that he'd heard
him.
“I got more brea-”
“We should move.”
“What?” He couldn’t quite believe the words coming from his mouth. Move? They
couldn’t just move, this was their home regardless of what had happened in it.
“We should move.” His Dad repeated, finally drawing his gaze up to look at
Carl. “There’s nothing keeping us here Carl, we could go anywhere, do whatever
we want. Just up and leave.” He became more impassioned as he spoke, a spark
finally lighting up in his eyes.  
In that moment Carl almost said yes, he thought about them grabbing what they
needed then just hitting the road. Him and his Dad. They could piece themselves
back together, reclaim who they were before all of this shit went down. They
could just be Carl and Rick, father and son not victim and murderer. Even as he
considered it he knew it could never be that way, not just because of that part
of him that screamed at the thought of leaving Negan. “It wouldn’t really be us
Dad.” He said softly. “We don’t run from our problems, we stay and we fight.
That’s what we do. Leaving...that would mean letting him win.”
Rick’s voice broke as he tried to talk again. “I just want you to feel safe
Carl, I don’t want him to be haunting around us for the rest of our lives.”
“He’s gonna haunt us wherever we go if we let him. We could be in the middle of
the arctic and he’d still be around if we think about him. We just have to let
him go.”
“Do you still think about him?”
“Sometimes.” Carl admitted. It was a damn well more than sometimes, even gone
Shane was still a dominant presence in his mind. The effects of the abuse still
lingered at the back of his head jolting to the forefront whenever someone so
much as brushed past him. Simply walking back inside the house had his heart
pounding, fear trickling in at the thought that Shane might be sat there
waiting for him. He often wondered if the thoughts would ever go away. Would he
ever be able to handle the touch of a stranger without his skin crawling? “Do
you?”
“All the time.”
Carl followed his Dad back into the living room, sitting beside him on the
couch. There was no way that he was leaving the man side that evening, he was
determined to get somewhere with him. He couldn’t keep this up, sure he was
fine in public now but Carl was certain that it would all change if he didn’t
get a decent night’s sleep soon.  “What is you think about?”
“Carl why'd you wanna know?”
“Because I'm worried about you. You've not been the same since…” Carl let the
sentence hang in the air. “We can talk about him y’know. He was your friend for
so many years, what happened doesn't change that, it doesn’t change your
feelings. Even...even after it happened the first few times, I still loved him.
I still wanted to believe the good in him, it’s okay if you feel that way Dad.”
“I hate him, so damn badly, if I had the chance I’d kill him all over again
but...  I do miss him, like hell. Part of me will probably always miss him and
I hate myself for that.”
“I missed him too.” Carl admitted. “Missed the guy he was before it all
happened. It’s like mourning someone that I wasn’t sure was even there.”
“I don’t know what makes it worse, him caring then doing what he did, or him
never truly caring. That’s what I think about.” Rick sighed. “I’ve been think
about everything.. I think about him hurting you and me being unable to stop
it. I think about all the things I missed about him, all the hints that he
wasn't the man I thought he was. Hell, I think about all the hints I missed
about Lori being in love with him.”
“You think Mom was in love with him?”
“Yeah...I don't know… it seems like it. How else could she possibly believe him
over you? He was like a brother to me but I still listened, she didn't even
try.”
“D’you think she'll come back?” Carl asked.
“I don't know, to be honest Carl I don't know if I want her to come back.” He
paused. “She's your mom Carl, that'll never change and I'd never want it to
change but I think, no I know, our marriage is over. There's no point in
holding on any longer.”
“Yeah. Moving on right?”
“Right.” Rick wrapped an arm around Carl. “Just you and me. That's all I need
right now.”
 
Chapter End Notes
     So this one might prove a lil controversial with the whole Lori
     thing, I actually really wanted her to believe Carl but I live for
     the drama. Also it's hard to believe that someone you love could do
     such awful things, there's so many instances where abusers have
     gotten away with it because their partner couldn't believe that
     they'd so such a thing. I actually love Lori in the show so it was
     hard to write her in this way and I do want to give her some
     redemption if the plot allows.
     I know this chappy was probably a little short on plot but I feel
     like we could all do with a break from supreme angst times, and let's
     face it they just killed someone they need some down time.
***** Let's talk about sex... *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm sooorrryy! I honestly didn't intend to leave it so long! I was
     just super sick last week and I just couldn't focus enough to write
     anything decent. Thankfully I'm on the mend now and I'm stuck at home
     dog sitting this week so I should be able to get another chapter up
     even quicker :D
     Thank you so much for the patience guys! Hope this one makes the wait
     worth it <3
           “The question is not how to get cured, but how to live.”
                                ― Joseph Conrad
===============================================================================
                                        
                                 February_2018
 
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Each tick of the clock was like nails on a chalkboard, it electrified the hairs
on the back of his neck, itched at his skin like a rash. His nails dug into his
palm where they met around the pen, he’d given up trying to write notes, he was
too jittery, too uneasy to pay attention to whatever the teacher was rambling
on about. His thoughts were sporadic, juddering through his brain at a million
miles an hour. He didn’t have the energy to land on one so he just sat there
watching them flicker like his own personal movie. Memories mixed with
fantasies, what was real and fake intertwined and became indistinguishable in
his mind. It had become far too common an occurrence for him recently. He
seemed to spend more time trying to separate the two than anything else. He
would lay awake at night, trying to work out if there were really footsteps on
the stairs of if he was imagining it. He’d jolt awake on the nights he did
sleep fighting against the phantom hands he could swear were roving over his
body. It was like he was living in purgatory, caught between reality and his
hallucinations.
It was exhausting.
He could hardly sleep because of it. The tiredness made it all the worst. He
was so much more susceptible to that damn voice that trickled poison into his
ear. He really was pathetic. Self-doubt plagued at him, forcing him to question
every single thing that he did, all because of one stupid mistake.
“Carl? Carl?” The teacher snapped at him for attention.
“Oh…uh…yes?” He timidly replied.
“You gonna answer the question?”
Shit, what did the man want from him? “Could…could you repeat it?”
Sniggering laughter filled his ears creating a deep, red flush that he could
feel spreading over his face. He’d never been this bad in class before.
Admittedly he’d never really participated but he’d always been able to answer
when he’d been called on. He really needed to sort his head out.
“Next time pay attention.” His teacher chastised him before he was saved by the
shrill bell that signalled the end of class.
He scrambled out of the classroom, ignoring the pointed shoves from his
classmates as they squeezed through the tiny doorway, and joined the hoard of
students making their way through the corridor.
“Grimes.” He nearly jumped out of his skin as his name was called again. Heart
pounding in his chest in a panic before realising exactly who was calling his
name. Negan. The very person who had jumbled his thoughts so damn badly.
“Grimes, get in here.”
Taunting ‘ooohs’ from his classmates were silenced by a deadly glare from
Negan, as stupid as the students were, they did hold a begrudging respect for
the man. The ones hassling him sauntered off at Negan’s command, leaving him to
fight his way through students heading to class so he could slide into the
office. He took care not to brush against Negan as he entered, pushing himself
against the doorframe to avoid contact.
The door clicked shut behind him, muffling the hustle from the other side.
There was a moment of pure uncomfortable silence before Negan spoke. “You gonna
talk to me now or are we gonna stand here in silence like a pair of idiots?”
Carl didn’t turn around, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face him. Guilt
swarmed his stomach making him nauseous with it. He knew this conversation
would happen eventually, he just thought he’d have more time to figure things
out before it did.
“Carl?” Negan prompted again.
“I…what do you want me to say?” He eventually asked. He knew he’d said the
wrong thing when he heard the loud sigh behind him.
“Carl this damn well isn’t about what I wantto hear. It’s about you tellin’ me
why you’ve been avoiding me the last couple of weeks.”
He rubbed at his face, he really was too tired for this conversation. He
couldn’t think. “This isn’t the place to talk about it.” Carl offered, hoping
the reminder of where they were would give him a chance to escape.
“It seems to be the only place we can talk about it.”
“We can talk another time.” Carl turned, determinedly heading towards the door.
He was stopped by a soft grip on his arm that made him baulk. “I have to go.”
Head focused on the wood, eyes pointedly not looking over at Negan.
“Carl?” Negan was almost desperate with his protest.
It chipped at the veil between them. He reluctantly turned his head to face
him, Carl melting at the pleading look in his eyes as they finally locked
together. “Negan…I....” He was at a loss for words, unable to come up with a
decent explanation for what had happened.
“Carl, c’mon it’s me. We can talk about it. Please, please don’t shut me out
again. What happened? Why did you go?”
His words broke Carl, he pathetically replied. “Because you confused me.”
“What?” Bafflement etched over Negan’s face.
It all started a couple of weeks ago, he had managed to escape from his Dad for
a few hours and headed to Negan’s place so they could finally spend some time
together. It had been perfect, they’d gone for a run together, ate dinner, it
was such a relief to just to be with him. Until later in the evening, when he
and Negan had settled on the couch to watch a movie that was quickly ignored in
favor of a more heated way to spend the evening. Like before Carl had quickly
settled himself on Negan’s lap, straddling the man as their tongues got
reacquainted. Two torturous weeks of being unable to touch the man had him
scrambling to grab at any part of Negan he could reach. This time, however,
Carl didn’t flinch away when he felt hardness against his stomach instead he
followed his body’s wants and pushed closer drawing their bodies flush
together. Losing himself in hot kisses, in the blissful grind of their bodies
moving together in a way that he never thought would feel so damn good. He’d
clutched at Negan, whimpering out soft moans as Negan’s hands dug into his hips
pulling them closer together, sparking pleasure in every inch of his body. His
climax had overwhelmed him, moans turning into cries, his own nails digging
into Negan’s shoulders. He shuddered in his arms, held Negan through his own
orgasm, taken a moment to feel the heat of his cheek against his own. Their
heavy pants twining together.
It was an unexpected and stupid mistake. A momentary loss of the tightly held
control he had over himself, the blissful pleasure an irresistible distraction
from all the shit in his head.
Nausea had slammed into him almost immediately after, disgust at himself
filling his body in a way that he hadn’t anticipated. He quickly extracted
himself from Negan’s grip, stuttered out an excuse before grabbing his keys and
running out to his Dad’s car. The man’s protests and questions filled his mind
through the whole drive home.
They hadn’t spoken since. Carl had stubbornly ignored all of his phone calls
and texts, going out of his way to avoid seeing him at school.
He hated himself for it. It had driven him crazy, triggered this irrational
uncertainty that had infected his brain. He’d become so lost without Negan and
now here they were, trapped in his office, nowhere for Carl to run. No way he
could possibly avoid confronting what Carl had so desperately been ignoring.
“I confused you? How?” Negan finished.
“You didn’t…I don’t… it’s hard to explain.”
“Try.”
“Negan.” Now he was the one pleading. “I’m gonna be late for my next class.”
The bell had rung out ages ago, the noise in the hall had slowly dwindled to
nothing. They were alone.
“I’ll write you a note. I want answers Carl. I deserve them.”
“No, you don’t.” Carl snapped back at him, it was like an echo of their
previous conversation. That familiar rage building at another demand of him.
“Yes, I do.” Negan pushed back, stepping closer to him, staring him down.
Carl hated how those damn dark eyes searched him, it felt like they were
piercing down into his soul. “It’s none of your business?”
“None of my business?” An incredulous laugh filled the room, Negan’s voice
hushed when he spoke again. “If you grindin’ on my dick makes you run away then
it damn well is my business.”
Carl blushed at the blunt words, he knew why Negan was doing it. The man knew
he got more of a response when he didn’t beat around the damn bush, it always
knocked Carl so much that he’d accidentally reveal more than he wanted to. Not
this time. “It wasn’t that.”
“Then what was it?”
He huffed at him, sick of this damn conversation, sick of himself for making it
necessary to have it. “It confused me because it made me feel sick.”
Negan took a step back, visibly recoiling at his words. “Wha-shit . Did you…”
The man swallowed hard, he looked like he was about to be sick. “Did you not
want to…?”
“NO, no I did. You didn’t…” Carl couldn’t finish the sentence, horrified with
himself for making the man think for a second that he would do something like
that. “I did want it. That’s the problem-God, Negan I want you so badly all the
time . That night though…after. I wanted it but after I felt so disgusted with
myself. You didn’t make me sick, I did.”
“Carl…” Negan’s voice was soft, comforting, full of an understanding that Carl
knew he didn’t deserve.
“I’m sorry I ran off, I just…I thought you’d be disgusted with me too.” He
whispered the last words, hanging his head.
“You could never disgust me Carl.” He said the words with such conviction Carl
almost believed him. “We need to talk about this, properly.”
As reluctant as Carl was to continue the discussion, he knew the man was right.
He didn’t want to lose him, he needed Negan around. He’d missed him so much the
last two weeks, it was like a piece of him was missing. He couldn’t take it,
not after everything else that was going on. They made plans to meet that
Friday, four days away, four days for Carl to sort his shit out. Great.
He left the room, ditching the rest of his classes for that day. Instead he
ran, losing himself in the one thing that wouldn’t make him feel bad.
********
His was surprised to see his Dad’s car parked in the drive when he arrived back
home, he’d ran the whole way from school, sweat dripped uncomfortably down his
back. It was a stupid thing to do, especially in jeans with a backpack but it
was everything he’d needed. The air rushed into his lungs giving him more life
than he’d felt in such a long time. He debated entering the house, it was way
too early for him to be home from school, his Dad would know that he’d ditched.
Then again, they pair had hardly spoken the last couple of weeks so he could
quite easily make an excuse as to why he was home early.
Making the decision just to go inside and deal with the consequence, he opened
the door and walked into a total destruction zone. His heart jumped in fear,
had they been burgled? Is that why his Dad was home? Was his Dad alright? He
raced further into the house, shocked when he saw his Dad hacking away at his
favorite chair with a small axe.
“Dad!”
The man jumped, axe raised defensively as he twisted around, an ugly snarl on
his face. The axe fell to his side when he saw Carl standing there gobsmacked.
“Carl? What are you doing home?”
“Could say the same thing to you. What are you doing?” The house was a mess,
furniture broken and spread about on the floor. Broken glass littered whatever
carpet he could see, pictures from the mantle were smashed and lying in a heap
by the fireplace. It stung at him to see so many treasured items so heartlessly
wrecked.
“I took some time off, decided to redecorate.” Was all Rick could say.
“There’s redecorating and there’s destroying everything. Did you leave anything
in place?” Why did all these things seem to happen in one day? Couldn’t he just
have some time to get over one thing?
“The bathroom’s fine.” His Dad weakly offered.
“My bedroom?”
“You’ll need a new bed.”
Carl wanted to scream at him, shake him from whatever madness had possessed him
to do this, whatever madness that had taken over his Dad since that night. He’d
thought they’d moved pass this with their last discussion but he’d been so
wrong. Things had just gotten worse, they’d fallen back into their old easy
routine of ignoring each other so they wouldn’t have to talk about what they
really needed to. They were miserable. Neither of them sleeping, Carl would
often hear his Dad pottering around the house in the early hours when he was
lying in bed awake.
“C’mon Carl, this’ll be good for us. A new start for the place, get rid of old
reminders.”
“Of Shane or of Mom?” It was a low blow, he knew better than to mention his Mom
in front of the man. The last time Carl had mentioned her his Dad ended up
storming out of the house, and he’d spent the night curled up on the couch
waiting for him to come home. When he did, Carl got nothing more than a grunt
in his direction before the man stumbled upstairs, stinking of alcohol. The
sudden stench of whiskey, that shocking reminder of Shane, had him vomiting
into the kitchen stink.
Rick’s jaw clenched tight. “It’s not about them. It’s about us Carl, starting a
new life for us. There’s no place for this old crap.”
“So where’s it all gonna go?”
“I’ve got some guys coming in tomorrow to take it away, they’re gonna help
repaint and bring the new things in. I thought we could go out and buy it all
this weekend.”
Carl didn’t like the idea of strangers rummaging through all their things.
“What about Mom’s stuff?”
“I’ve mailed it to her.”
“So that’s it then? No need for her to come back?”
“There’s you Carl, she’ll come around.”
He didn’t answer that, he knew she wouldn’t. Two weeks had passed without a
single phone call from her, nothing to suggest that she wanted anything to do
with him. Another sting of pain that he had to add to the pile growing in the
pit of his soul. “So where am I gonna sleep tonight?”
His Dad accepted the redirection. “I dug out the cots from camping. I’ll make
some space in here for us.”
“Us?”
“Yeah, it’ll be fun. Like one of our camping trips.”
Carl didn’t want to think about what happened on their last camping trip. He
forced a smile, at least his Dad was doing something, they weren’t just
ignoring each other. “Great.”
“Glad you approve. I’m gonna go rustle up some dinner, use up some food before
we tear the whole thing out.” Rick said before leaving him alone in the living
room.
A glimmer on the floor caught his eye, he crouched down to pick up the frame
the peaked out of the pile. His own smiling face beamed up at him, there he was
all chubby and happy, snug between his proud parents. He could remember his
Grandpa taking it on his birthday, the last one before the man passed away. The
face was so different, he hardly recognized himself underneath the smashed
glass. A pang of longing shot through him, infecting every pore with a
desperate sadness that made him want to cry.
“Carl! Come help me with this stuff.”
Working quickly, he slipped the photo out of the frame and into his back pocket
before heading into the kitchen to help his Dad.
*********
He arrived home the next evening to an even bigger mess. Furniture from the
upstairs and downstairs were thrown together in the living room, half full
boxes decorated whatever floor had been left exposed. Harsh laughter filled the
house emanating from the kitchen. Carl cautiously approached the latest danger
zone. The whole thing had been dismantled, counters ripped from walls, nothing
more than the oven and fridge stood in the room alongside the three men. His
Dad one of them, he didn’t recognise the others, ‘Dixon Bro’s’ was embroidered
on the back of their shirts, the same as depicted on the large van occupying
his mother’s spot on the driveway.
“Hey Carl.” His Dad spoke when he noticed him enter the room.
It was unnerving how all three sets of eyes focused in on him, Carl faltered
under the attention, mouth flopping open uselessly.
“Uh...this is Daryl and Merle.” Rick stepped in. “You’re probably gonna see
them around a lot in the next coupla weeks, they’re helping with the
redecorating.”
They both flicked their heads up in a greeting. Not the most conversational
guys but Carl couldn’t really judge. He managed a weak smile in return, taking
a step back, stomach falling as he tripped backwards on an old side table. If
it wasn’t for Daryl quickly reaching out for him he might have ended up impaled
on one of the legs, not that he really noticed in the moment. He was too busy
focusing on the hard grip on his arm and the arm wrapped around his waist
forcing him against a hard body. His heart pounding, a cold sweat dragged over
him as he struggled to get out of the grip, his breath crushed out of him with
the force of a punch. Fear slammed into his body, muffled voices surrounded him
but the only one he could hear was Shane whispering in his head. The grip on
his arm turned punishing, nails digging in deep, the sharp pain that had
nothing on the terrifying grip on his heart. His body screamed for air that he
couldn’t drag into his lungs. His own voice cried out amongst the rest,
pleading for a mercy he knew wouldn’t come.
He took his moment when the grip eased, pushing the man away from him. He
tripped and stumbled on the furniture as he made his escape, he didn’t stop
until he was outside again. Falling to his knees as he tried to claw breath
back into his lungs. Hesnotherehesnotherehesnothere he tried to remind himself,
Shane’s dead, he couldn’t hurt him. The mantra did nothing to quell the fear
roaring inside of him. He could still feel him, still feel the digging grip, he
dragged up his jacket sleeves and was shocked to see nothing there. Just pale
skin made slightly red where the man had gripped him. Daryl. Not Shane. Not
again he couldn’t hurt him again. He focused on his hands on the grass, the
feel of the cold blades under his palms, the smell of the fresh air. He had to
calm down, get himself under control.
“Carl?”
He tensed at the voice, body ready to run, adrenaline spiking through him.
“It’s alright Carl it’s just Dad.”
Dad. His Dad. The grass crunched near him, a soft hand tentatively rubbed at
his back. He leaned into it, sitting back onto his feet.
“You alright?”
He nodded, mouth too dry for words at this point. Still trying to get his heart
rate back to normal.
“The guys left, Daryl and Merle. It’s just us now.”
He wanted to deny the overwhelming relief that shuddered through him, they were
alone, no more strangers. Embarrassment warred with that relief, he’d much such
an idiot out of himself. How was he supposed to face them again after freaking
out like that?
“Wanna go back inside?”
He shook his head. Not yet, he needed air, there was no air in that damn
building.
“Alright…we can sit here till you’re ready.”
He shakily reached out to grab his Dad’s hand, clutching at it hard. His
breathing still erratic but his mind was clearing, the panicked thoughts less
prominent.
“Just breathe Carl just breathe.”
In and out. In and out.
Rick helped him up when he was finally ready to go back inside, practically
carrying him back into the house. He felt so weak, not just physically, his
emotions were wrecked, his mind a jumble of shit. The winter cold bit at the
pair of them, he could feel his Dad’s body shake next to his own. He was hardly
wearing anything the man must be freezing.
“Sit here.” Rick had led him a cot, navigating the wreckage in the living room.
He wrapped a thick blanket around him, rubbing his shoulders to try and warm
him up. Rick hadn’t done that in years but it was an all too familiar gesture
from his childhood
“Thanks Dad.”
“It’s what I’m here for.” Rick sat next to him again, wrapping his arm around
Carl, still trying to rub warmth into him.
“You don’t have to fuss Dad.”
“Yes I do, I’m your Dad it’s my job.” A pause, then the arm tensed around his
shoulder. “Unless you want me to stop? You need some space?”
“No no it’s fine.” He appreciated the gesture but he was actually enjoying the
comfort.
They sat together, enjoying the warmth of the house until Carl’s rumbling
stomach interrupted the silence.
“Hungry?” Rick laughed.
“That obvious?”
“I’ll order take out, can’t really cook right now.”
“Not after you destroyed the kitchen.”
“Revamped, work in progress, not destroyed.” Rick pointed out.
“Whatever Dad.” He rolled back onto the cot, taking the time before dinner
arrived to collect himself again.
***********
“So Daryl’s invited me to a poker game Friday night.” Rick said through a mouth
full of pizza.
“Friday huh? You gonna go?”
“I’m not sure yet. Don’t feel like leaving you here on your own.”
Carl toyed with his food, brain trying to figure out the most tactful way of
asking if he can spend the evening with his high school coach. God, even in his
own head it sounded ridiculous. “Well...actually… Negan invited me over, for
dinner on Friday. If you’re gonna be out then maybe I could go…”
Rick had stopped eating, he had that unhappy look on his face, the one that
usually didn’t end well for Carl. “I don’t like the idea of you two seeing each
other.”
Here they go, the topic they’d been avoiding since Rick had found out about the
pair of them. He had been wondering how long it would take for his Dad to get
over the good side of his relationship with Negan. “Dad, you said you weren’t
going to stop us seeing each other.”
“I know what I said but that was a different time. My head was a damn mess Carl
I wasn’t thinking straight-“
“Oh and you’re thinking straight now? Definitely looks like it.” Carl gestured
to the mess around them.
Rick scoffed at him. “I’m thinking straighter than ever Carl. It’s not healthy
for you to be spending time with him. You should be hanging out with kids you
own age, like Enid.”
“You mean hang out with the kids that ignored me the second things got tough?
Instead of the man that saw me, likedme when no one else did.”
“You don’t owe him for that Carl, you don’t have to spend time with him just
because you think you have to.”
“I know that.” He ground out. “I like spending time with him, not out of an
obligation.”
“You might like spending time with other kids.”
“Jesus, Dad, I’m not 12 I don’t need you picking friends for me.”
“I’m not tryna pick friends for you I just want what’s best for you.”
“Negan iswhat’s best for me...or at least part of what’s best for me. He helps
Dad, it’s nothing seedy, we just talk.”
“All the time?” Rick probed.
Carl thought about lying, although he’d hinted at there being more to their
relationship, he had never expressly said that they’d done anything more than
talk. His Dad appeared to take his prolonged silence as an answer for he grew
more impassioned when he spoke. “Carl, you can’t do anything like that with a
teacher.”
“He’s not my teacher.” Carl protested, it was a weak argument he knew but he
was getting desperate.
“He’s still in no position to be doing anything with a student.”
“Are you really gonna fuss about this? After everything I’ve been through don’t
I deserve to have a choice in the matter?”
“Of course you do Carl but that’s precisely why I’m not exactly eager for you
two to be spending time together. How do I know that he’s not pressuring you
into being with him?”
“You...you’re just gonna have to trust me Dad. It’s just as bad for him if
anyone finds out about this.”
“And is it worth it? Really worth it?”
Carl answered in a heartbeat. “Yes. It might not make sense, God, it doesn’t
make any sense to me but it just feels right and the last thing I need is you
trying to keep me away from the one thing that makes me feel normal.”
“Do...do I not make you feel normal?” A hurt look appeared on his face.
“You do...you try. We’ve just not really had time for normal.” He tried to
explain in a way that wouldn’t hurt his feelings anymore.
“Carl…” He could see Rick was getting more frustrated. “I want to help, I know
I haven’t been in the right headspace recently but… it’s because I don’t know
how to help you feel better.”
“Dad, I’m fine.”
“Except that you’re not. I see it Carl, you may not realise it but I see it all
now. I see how you flinch when I touch you or when someone brushes you in the
street. I hear the nightmares whenever you do sleep. I seeyou trying to act
normal for me Carl and I see how that’s exhausting you.”
Maybe Negan was right, maybe he wasn’t as secretive as he thought he was. Then
again, he’d spent so much time knowing that no one was seeing him that he’d
stopped trying to pretend that he was normal.
“I just want to help you Carl but I need to know how. Is all this helping?
Changing the house or am I making it worse? I…I need help so I can help you.”
Carl stood, pacing away from him, he couldn’t think. He didn’t have any answers
to his questions, he hadn't thought about what it really meant for him to
change the house, or even how he could help him. Was there anything that anyone
could do to make things better? What even was better? Less angry? Less twitchy?
More capable of dealing with things? “I don’t know Dad, honestly. Things have
been better, I think. It’s an adjustment more than anything, I’m still getting
used to not having...Shane around, and Mom. I can’t even think about anything
more than that.”
“But Negan helps? He makes it better?”
“Yeah...he does.”
“How? What does he do that I can’t?” Rick paused, standing to confront Carl.
“Is it sex?”
“Dad!” Embarrassment and outrage exploded out of him. How could he ask him
that?
“Is it Carl? Are you two sleeping together? Is it… I dunno… a distraction from
things?”
“No… just no Dad. It’s not like that at all, we’re not sleeping together,
nowhere near that.” A slight lie considering recent events but his Dad really
didn’t need to know about that.
“Then what does he do Carl? How does he make it better when I can’t. I’m your
father, I’m supposed to be able to help.”
“That’s why it’s harder Dad, I worry about hurting you, with Negan I don’t have
to. It’s just simple, I talk, he listens. With you...it’s more complicated.”
“How can I make it less complicated?”
“Just be there Dad, it’ll get better but it’s gonna take time. Just like it’s
gonna take time for you to get better.”
“I’m fin-”
“No you’re not Dad. If you keep going this way you’re gonna run yourself down.
Redecorate, do whatever you have to do to erase Shane from your life but please
do something normal. Go to the poker game, go out with some guys from work.
Just relax, then we can work on us.”
His Dad sighed. “Alright, I’ll go on Friday. You...you go see Negan, just
promise me if anything bad happens you tell me. I just want to know Carl, no
more secrets.”
“I can do that, we’re already doing that now. It is better, with us, it’s
better.”
“Yeah. I know. I’m just being overprotective.”
“I don’t mind it, just trust me every now and again.”
“I can do that.”
“Good, now can we finish the food? I’m starving.” It was a lie, the
conversation had unsettled him too much to actually eat  but anything was
better than the conversation they were having.
*********
Butterflies filled his stomach when he approached the mahogany door, taking a
deep breath to calm his nerves before he knocked. It was stupid, he’d been here
a thousand times he shouldn’t be nervous. He wasn’t even sure what he was
anxious about, the conversation or the lingering concern that he’d once again
do something stupid that would put distance between them.
“Hey.”
Carl snapped his head up at the sound of his voice, giving a small smile as a
greeting. He was surprised to see the man all wrapped up, what looked like a
blanket under his arm, bag in the other. “Going somewhere?”
“Yep. Let’s go.”
“Oook, where are we going?”
“Back up to the edge, c’mon.” He gestured with his head for him to get moving.
They fell into step together, it was almost unsettling how easily they walked
in sync, almost as if being together was pure instinct. It was a lovely winter
afternoon, a cold sun in the sky making the fallen leaves shine on the ground.
They crunched under their feet as they made their way up the steep climb.
“So why are we going up here again?” Carl panted out as he hopped onto the
rocks that would take them up to the clearing.
“Because we need to talk, no distractions, no phones, no easy escape route for
either of us. It’ll just be the two of us. It’s what we need.”
The clearing was just as beautiful as he remembered, the air brisk against his
skin, giving his cheeks a nice flush. Closing his eyes against it, he stood and
just breathed. They should really come up here more often it was so freeing.
He wasn’t sure how long he stood like that for, however long it was it wasn’t
long enough. Negan was standing next to him, looking at him with an awe that
he’d not seen on the man’s face for a long time. Carl gave him a faltering
smile, heart skipping a beat at the look.
“You ok?”
He nodded at Negan, frowning when he saw the blanket spread out on the ground,
a small fire flickering near it. “You lit a fire?”
“Yep, you were standing there awhile.”
“I didn’t even notice…” Carl let the sentence trail off wondering when he was
going to get a grip on his head again.
“I was hoping you wouldn’t. You looked so peaceful.” Negan stroked his knuckles
across his cheek, wonderment filling his voice.
“Hard to be anything else up here.”
“C’mon.”
Carl let Negan take his hand and lead him over to the blanket. They settled
down next to each other, bodies barely brushing, sitting to face the great
expanse of the forest. He waited for Negan to start talking, ready to answer
whatever question he had for him. The man said nothing, just sat there with him
looking out at the view, the orange glow of the fire illuminating half his face
in a way that made him all the more striking. Soon enough Carl realised that he
was waiting for Carl to do the talking, no doubt letting him decide the pace
rather than forcing him into the conversation. It was the most annoying,
perfect thing he could do. Carl took a deep breath before breaking the calm
silence. “I think I’m wrong.”
Negan’s head snapped over to him before speaking slowly. “Okay, why’d you think
that?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
Negan’s clueless look told him everything.
“How I feel is wrong. Every instinct I have is wrong, everything my body does
just feels wrong .” He couldn’t find the words to really explain it. “That
night…when I ran… I was so sure that we did what I wanted but after… I felt so
ashamed of myself, so disgusted with what I did. I don’t even know why and it’s
driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do, how am I supposed to live my life
when I feel like I can’t trust myself to make the right choice. How are we ever
supposed to…” He took a deep breath bracing himself. “How are we supposed to
ever have sex if all it does is make me sick?”
Negan sat there in silence when he finished. Carl wondered if this was it, if
this was the moment when Negan reached his limit and decided he couldn’t take
all this damn insanity. Knots twisted in his stomach, doubts plaguing at him
once again, maybe he had said too much.
“Carl, it’s alright that you feel that way.” Negan took his time answering,
wanting to consider each word before he spoke again. “It’s not your fault, it’s
just your body’s instinct to that kinda thing right now and it’s no surprise
given what you’ve been through.”
His instinct because Shane had made it that way, had warped his body into
something that was out of his control. He’d been so hopeful that the man’s
death would make him normal again but it hadn’t. The monster was just as buried
under his skin in death as he had been in life. “So I am fucked up?”  
“No! No, Carl. You’re not fucked up. Just…everything you know about sex is from
that bastard, right?”
Carl nodded, eyes averting downwards to focus on his shoes, a deep shame about
his own inexperience floated through him.
“So, your body and everything associated with it comes with all the feelings
and emotions that you went through with him. It becomes a reflex, nothing more
than that. It’s probably why you were so upset after we… did what we did, you
were probably remembering the feelings you felt after you were with Shane.”
“How am I supposed to get over a reflex?” It seemed more impossible the more
they spoke.
“Time, effort, practice. It’s all about going at your own pace, figuring out
what you need and what you want.”
“And what about you? What about what you want? If I can never get past it is
that it for you?”
“God no Carl. You’re more than just a body to me, I’m with you because I like
being with you not because I think I’m gonna get laid. I’ll take as much or as
little as you’re willing to give Carl. All I ask is that you’re honest with me,
if you don’t want to do something then tell me, if I make you uncomfortable
then you gotta tell me.”
“I can do that.” Carl sniffed back his tears at the man’s words. It gave him
hope again, maybe one day he’d be normal again.
“Good, it’s just gonna take some time Carl, you’ll be alright.” A large hand
covered his, Carl looked down as it curled around his own, believing for the
first time since he’d freaked out that he might be.
They laid down when the sky darkened, resting next to each other as they looked
at the twinkling stars that littered the night. The heat from the fire nothing
compared to the heat radiating off the man next to him, Carl shifted closer
wanting to feel more of it against him. Owls hooted in the distance, leaves
rustled as a gentle breeze blew them across the floor just brushing past their
feet.
“How did you become to knowledgable about all that stuff anyway?” He’d been
pondering that question for awhile, somehow he didn't have Negan pegged as a
guy that would just know that sort of thing.
“Google.”
“You Google’d it?”
“Yup, not long after I found out. I wanted to try and understand what you might
be going through. I know I never could but at the very least I wanted to know
somethingthat could help.”
“Well you did.” Carl gave him a smile, a surge of appreciation soared through
him. He really was damn lucky to have him around.
“I’m glad.” He smiled at him, eyes twinkling as much as the stars above him.
“I am sorry, about before.” Carl flicked his eyes away. “I didn’t want it to be
like that the first time we...did things. I wasn’t planning on just jumping you
like that, hadn't planned on it being so rushed.”
“It's fine Carl, not your fault I’m so damn irresistible.”
He had to laugh at that.
“It was pretty damn perfect anyways, besides the whole running off bit.” Negan
added catching Carl’s eyes again.  “Besides there’s plenty of time for nice and
slow, don’t worry about it.”
Carl nudged closer, leaving the sweetest kiss on Negan’s lips, lingering as he
breathed the man in. He took a moment after to simply enjoy the tingles that
spread through his body, at least there was one thing he knew wouldn’t freak
him out.
“We should head back down, grab some food.” The voice of reason spoke out.
“Ten more minutes?” Carl asked, curling closer to Negan.
A soft kiss landed on the top of his head, before a whispered “Sure” breezed
through his hair.
***********
Carl’s growling stomach was enough to convince Negan that it was most
definitely time to leave, no matter how many pouting protests the teen came up
with.
Carl gathered up the blanket whilst Negan dealt with the fire, he took one last
longing look at the moonlit landscape before taking the offered hand and
allowing himself to be led back down to the cabin. It took them longer to get
back, both enjoying simply walking along together, making mindless conversation
as they made their way through the woods. Carl took their coats when they got
back, leaving Negan to start the dinner in the kitchen. It was so damn domestic
that it made him laugh to himself. He never thought he’d end up here, hell,
barely six months ago he figured he’d be dead by now, not making dinner with
the school coach how happened to be his... whatever he was.
He made his way back to the kitchen drawn in by the alluring scent coming from
the hot stove Negan was currently fussing over. “So where’s my dinner?”
Negan chuckled at him. “Only here for the food huh?”
He played confused. “Why else would I be here?”
“You’re such an ass.”
“Spaghetti again?”
“It’s what I do best.”
“I dunno, you’re pretty handy with a baseball bat.”
Negan gave him a dark look. “Behave yourself.”
“I’ll be good I promise.” He leaned against the counter next to him watching
the man work. It really was beautiful watching him cook, he worked smoothly
with an effortless expertise. Carl didn’t think he’d ever get bored of watching
him.
“You wanna take a picture?” The man commented, noticing the blue eyes following
him.
“Nah, the real thing is so much better.” Openly checking him out now, heart
racing that little bit faster when the man swaggered closer. Placing an arm
either side of Carl, forearms just brushing his waist, he leaned in closer.
“What did I say about behaving?” His breath ghosted Carl’s lips as he spoke.
“I am! Just waiting for my food.” He gave him an innocent smile.
“You. Are. Terrible.” The words were punctuated by sweet kisses, each one
lingering longer than the last, trailing up his neck.
“Is this supposed to be a punishment?” Carl whispered against him.
“Mmmhmmm obviously.”
Negan captured his lips in another kiss stepping in closer to Carl. He was damn
well gonna make the most of having him around, of finally being able to hold
him like he wanted to. The taste of his lips was nothing like he’d felt before,
it was like the sweetest fruit. He dipped his tongue in wanting more of that
delicious nectar. Carl pushed himself closer, wrapping his arms around his
neck, encouraging his movements.
The timer on the alarm had them jumping apart, almost instinctively putting
distance between them.
“That’ll be the garlic bread.”
“Wow, garlic bread, pulling out all the stops for me?”
“I live to impress.”
It really was an amazing dinner, Carl was sure he could eat this every night
and never tire of it. The good company was just an added bonus.
He paused when he reached the couch afterwards, Negan shunning him to the
living room so he could load the dishwasher. The memories of the last time he’d
been there flushing him with embarrassment, once again he questioned why he
didn’t just stop himself like he had the time before? The time before when
he’d….it almost hurt to think about. Getting turned on by a guy beating another
guy with a baseball bat...that was a whole new level of fucked up.
Negan’s voice startled him from his thoughts. “I got you a dri- you alright?”
Carl turned to give him a smile. “Yeah, all good, just thinking. Thanks.” He
gratefully took the water from him, settling himself in his usual spot.
Negan joined him. “Thinkin’ about what?”
“Just things.” He said dismissively. “Whaddya wanna watch?”
“There’s obviously more than things on your mind. C’mon sharing is caring.”
Carl rolled his eyes at his words, the man came out with the weirdest shit
sometimes. “I was thinking more about the time we were here, on the couch,
after Shane had died.”
Negan put down his beer, taking a deep breath. “Weird night that was.”
“Yeah, just...um...I” He paused unable to figure out the most decent way of
saying how he felt.
“Whatever it is Carl you can just say it. I’m sure I can handle it.”
“Is it fucked up? What we did after… is it weird that I likedseeing you hurt
him?”
“You are not fucked up. It’s not… it’s not a bad thing necessarily Carl.”
“It feels like a bad thing. I feel ashamed that I think like that.”
“Don’t feel ashamed Carl, some people like that kinda thing, it’s perfectly
normal. It’s a power thing, some people get off being in control, some people
get off seeing people be powerful. Neither are right or wrong, it’s just how
people are.”
“Do you get off on it? Being in control?”
“Yeah, I do, I like the power kick, the trust that comes when someone lets you
take control.”
“Do you like hurting people?”
“We talkin’ about sex or fighting?”
Carl was starting to feel more and more out of his depth with this discussion.
“Is there a difference?”
“Hell yeah. With sex it’s all consenting, it’s not about hurting someone it’s
about finding that sweet spot that just between pain and pleasure...it’s
fuckin’ indescribable watchin’ it happen. Seeing that look on a person’s face
when they find it, helpin’ ‘em draw it out.”
Carl shifted around in his seat, the tightness in his jeans getting more
uncomfortable as Negan spoke, that damn drawl of his drawing each word out. The
jealousy he felt at Negan being with other people had nothing on the lust that
simmered under his skin at the thought of Negan doing it to him. He cleared his
throat, trying to clear his mind. “And with fighting?” He prompted.
“That, well that’s more about justice. Knowing that some shithead’s gettin’
what’s been fuckin’ comin’ to them, there’s a rush in that. Pure adrenaline
shootin’ through ya. It’s not about hurtin’ them it’s about making them feel
what they’ve made other people feel.” Negan’s eyes locked on him. “There’s
nothin’ wrong with you Carl, you’re just damn curious. With sex, it’s all about
trial and error, figuring out what you like and what you don’t. Everyone goes
through it.”
“And if I want your help…” He let his question trail, their eyes connecting.
“Jesus, you won’t get any fuckin’ complaints from me.”
Carl swallowed, trying to get some damn moisture in his mouth. Shooting his
gaze away from that damn alluring face, now was not the time to lose control of
himself again. “Okay, okay.” He was saved from having to change the topic but a
buzz from his pocket.
“It’s from my Dad, he’s staying the night at Daryl’s.”
“Who’s Daryl?”
Carl rolled his eyes, shooting a text back to his Dad. “Don’t even ask. Is it
alright if I stay here? I don’t really feel like going back home.” He didn’t
mention the fact that the home was currently bare, Daryl and Merle having
cleared the whole place out.
“Like I’m gonna complain about that.” Negan pulled him back against him,
wrapping him in his arms. “Stay as long as you like.”
Carl settled in as Negan flicked the tv on, the roaring of crowd distracting
him from any thoughts still linger in his head.
**********
He’d nearly fallen asleep when Negan jostled him. “I’m not falling asleep on
the couch again, my old back can’t take it.”
“C’mon then old man.” Carl shifted forwards, stretching out as he stood up.
Offering his hand out to help him up. Laughing when Negan pouted and pushed it
away, preferring to stand on his own.
“Not that old you lil’ shit.”
Carl walked up the stairs first, pausing when he reached the landing, his eyes
flicking between Negan’s bedroom and the spare room. The fizzle of indecision
took hold of him again, doubts about whether he’d make the right choice
plaguing his head. The last time they’d slept together it ended with him in
tears, kicking and screaming at Negan,would it happen again?
“It’s up to you Carl.” Negan’s voice appeared in his ear.“You can stay in the
spare room, or you can crash with me. Hell, you can even go back to your spot
on the couch if you want.”
Carl made his choice, stepping into the moonlit bedroom. It hasn’t changed much
since he’d last been in there, the bed still looked as cosy as ever.
“I’m...uh gonna need to borrow some more clothes.” Carl asked sheepishly.
“Wasn’t expecting to be out all night.”
“I’m gonna run outta clothes if you keep stayin’ here.”
“I’ll give ‘em back I swear. Don’t you own any pjs?” Carl asked, looking down
at yet another pair of sweatpants that had been handed to him.
“Not really.” He sheepishly rubbed at the back of his head. I…uh…don’t tend to
wear clothes to bed.”
Carl flushed at the thought, decidedly ignoring the twitch in his pants. “Oh,
right.” Was all he could stutter out, his mouth suddenly felt dried than a
desert.
Negan quickly added.“I won’t tonight. Obviously.”
“Mmmhmm.” There was an irrefutable pang of regret mixing with the relief in his
chest. His body clearly not as in sync with his mind about not being ready for
any further intimacy. Although part of his mind clearly wasn’t totally opposed
to the idea, that was clear from the frankly indecent images it conjured up
about the things he could do with a naked Negan in bed. “I’m gonna go change.”
He blurted out before darting out of the room. Taking several deep breaths when
he reached the bathroom to calm his body down.
Quickly changing, he washed up a little, stealing some mouthwash before heading
back into the bedroom. Negan was sat on the edge of the bed, twirling his phone
in his fingers, he looked so deep in thought Carl almost didn’t want to disturb
him. Nonetheless he walked back into the room, giving him a soft smile when his
attention turned back to him.
“All done?” Negan asked.
“Yep.”
“Great, Be right back.”
Carl dumped his clothes on the chair Negan he slept in before, vague sounds of
taps running filled the background. Turning his attention back to the bed he
stood for a moment, indecision biting at him. Which side should he sleep on?
Did Negan have a side? He’d only ever had a single bed, what exactly was the
protocol with this? With Shane he’d slept on whatever side the man had left him
on. His parents always had their own side of the bed. Jesus Christ he really
was the King of overthinking things. Giving himself a shake he threw caution to
the wind and just slid in the side that he’d slept in before. It was just as
comfortable as he remembered, smelling so delectably of Negan.
“Comfy?”
Blushing at being caught burrowing himself deep into the bed, he tried to seem
nonchalant. “S’alright.”
“Sure.” Sarcasm trickling in his voice.
The mattress creaked under Negan’s weight, Carl shifted away from him giving
him more space. He clutched at the duvet, eyes searching the ceiling as his
brain tried to find a topic that would ease the awkwardness he felt.
The mattress shifted again then there was a small poke on his arm. He looked
over to Negan questioningly.
“Stop thinkin’”
“I’m not.” Carl rolled his eyes at Negan’s trademark ‘bullshit’ look. “I’m all
good. Relaxing and all that.” He shuffled further under the duvet to make his
point, closing his eyes.
Negan just scoffed at him, flopping over onto his back to get comfortable.
Carl shuffled again, this time deciding to shift closer to the warm body next
to him. He’d been waiting for this for so long it was stupid to deprive himself
just because he felt a little nervous. Without opening his eyes Negan lifted an
arm inviting Carl to curl up under it which Carl did without hesitation. He
rested his head on his chest, lulled by the steady heartbeat under him, the
gentle caress of Negan’s hand up and down his back. He felt the nerves slowly
dwindle until they were a distant feeling.
**********
His eyes shot open, flinching slightly under the bright morning sun that
radiated heat through the window. It was weird, there was no panic, no gasping
breaths, no thudding heart that almost hurt. Just a delightful ache that
accompanied a good night of sleep, a hot arm draped casually over his waist,
soft puffs of air against the back of his neck that didn’t make his skin crawl.
A burst of joyous laughter escaped him, unable to help the outburst with all
the happiness bubbling through him.
“Mmm, w-what’s with all the noise?” Negan’s sleep-filled voice drawled in his
ear, arm tightening on his waist as the man snuggled himself closer.
Carl turned in his arms, looking at the sleepy face next to his, he’d call it
adorable but he really didn’t wanna get his ass kicked. “I’m ok!”
“That’s great Carl, now lemme sleep.”
“No no, it’s not just great it’s amazing. I’m ok! I got some sleep.” He sounded
like an idiot but he really didn’t care.
An indulgent smile crossed Negan’s face. “You’re too damn cute sometimes. I’m
glad you got some sleep, now can I get back to mine?”
Carl just beamed back at him, glowing with the little victory. It was
everything. It wasn’t a cure but it was hope, if he could do it once he could
do it again. He placed a gentle kiss on Negan, once again grateful for him. A
brown eye peeked open at his actions.
“M’not gonna get anymore sleep am I?”
“Probably not.”
A huff of air crossed his face before he was swept under Negan’s body, strong
arms holding the man above him, chest’s barely brushing. “Alright then, wanna
see what else you’re ok with?” That mischievous grin covered his face.
He really was damn irresistible, Carl bit his lip covering his own grin. He
nodded, bringing the man’s head down to join their lips together taking his
time to explore the smoky, sweet taste that was just so Negan.
They filled their morning with sweet, slow kisses that shot toe-curling tingles
through his body. Hands never roving below the waist, both of them pointedly
ignoring the hardness that rested between them. Now wasn’t the time to rush in
with lust-filled gropes and mind-blowing orgasms, they had all the time in the
world for that. Instead they twined their tongues together, fingers dipping
teasingly under clothing, the smallest touches of fingertips on bare flesh
burned through them. Gentle nips landed on soft skin, tongue dipping out to
lick over Carl’s racing pulse, back arching when those sharp teeth nipped on
certain spots. The room grew more stifling as the kisses drove the both crazy,
their skin glistening with a light sweat, hushed gasps and tender whispers
echoed in the space. It was their private sanctuary, just the two of them,
under the covers,  hot, satisfying and utterly intoxicating.
Carl protested when those lips left his skin, hands trying to lure his head
back down. He pouted when they were gently tugged away from Negan’s neck,
softly restraining them in his hands.
“We gotta stop, or the whole takin’ it slow and easy is gonna go out the
window.”
It didn’t help that Negan’s husky, lust-filled voice sent more of those tingles
through his body, skin burning for more of that touch. He knew he was right,
last time he’d gotten caught up it had gone so badly wrong. “Yeah, okay.”
“You good?”
Carl nodded, part of him was still waiting for disgust to seep in, but mostly
he just wanted those damn lips back on his.
“Good.” Negan slid away from him. “Now I’m gonna go take a shower, go make
yourself breakfast.”
“Gonna be awhile?” Carl teased with a knowing smirk.
“After those kisses? I’m not gonna be two fuckin’ minutes.”
“Good to know I’ve got somethin’ to look forward to.”
Not rising to the bait Negan leaned back over Carl, lips teasing over bitten,
swollen ones. “When you’re damn well ready it’s gonna be a lot longer than two
fuckin’ minutes.” He nuzzled along Carl’s jaw, lips now brushing over his ear.
“I’m damn well gonna take my time findin’ all those little spots that make you
gasp and squirm under me. I’ll spend the whole night findin’ all the ways I can
get you to come screaming my name.”
Just as he was about to start begging the man to do all of that right this damn
second, Negan pulled away, knowing smirk now on his face. “You wanna shower
first?” He asked.
Carl just threw a pillow in response, turning over in the bed to try and stop
the dirty images now flooding his mind.
**********
Breakfast was a more subdued affair, Carl’s heart skipping a beat at the glow
Negan’s face when he came downstairs from the shower. It had taken everything
in him to calm himself down when the man had left the room, trying not to think
about what the man was doing in the shower. He eventually dressed himself so he
could go grab some breakfast.
“You got plans for the day?” Negan asked.
“I dunno, I thought about going to visit my Mom.”
“She still not been around?”
“Nope.”
“So why bother Carl?”
He really didn’t know, it was more of an instinct that a logical thought.
Clearing things with Negan had left his mind open to other things he had to
sort out. Maybe if he sorted things with his Mom it’d help with all the shit he
had to work through with Shane. One less thing for him to think about. If
things went badly then at least he could work through that, the whole
uncertainty was just killing him. He wanted to know what she was thinking,
wanted his chance to tell her what he was thinking. He deserved that, after all
the shit he’d been through he deserved it. The hope from the morning had given
him a strength he didn’t realise he had. If he wanted more then he’d have to
push for it, take the risk that he might get hurt and trust that he could pull
himself back together if he did.
“She’s my Mom, I need the closure, no matter what happens.”
Negan nodded, understanding where he was coming from. “Whatever happens, call
me, let me know.”
“Yeah I will.”
“When are you gonna go?”
“After breakfast. Dad’ll probably be home late so he won’t miss me.” He didn’t
mention the part of him that thought if he waited any longer then he’d lose all
courage and run away. He needed to do this.
As always their goodbye was bittersweet, they’d see each other on Monday but it
just damn well wasn’t enough. He longed for the summer when they’d be able to
be together longer, ignoring the stabbing reminder that he might be leaving for
college not long after. With a final kiss Carl pulled himself away from the
man, giving him a wave as he drove off.
The drive to where his Mom was staying was longer than he’d expected. He’d
never really been to this part of town, it was more run down, houses more
clustered together. He was surprised that his Mom would cope living in a place
like this, she’d always been so adamant about living in the suburbs. Then again
she probably thought that she’d be back with them by now, that he’d have
apologise for the ‘lies’ he told. Just the thought sent his blood boiling,
there was no way in hell he was backing down. A few months ago, he might have,
he probably would’ve taken back all the shit he said if it meant a quiet life.
Now was different, he knew better, he couldn’t hide the truth, it’d only end in
his own destruction.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of the car, walking up to the door that he
hoped was the right one. He didn’t have a physical address for his Mom’s
friend, just the memory of visiting her a few times over the years.
His heart pounded as he waited for the door to open, body freezing when it
swung open to reveal his shocked Mother.
“Hi Mom.”
 
***** If you please... *****
Chapter Notes
     Oooh I bet you didn't see this coming! It only seemed appropriate to
     post this one on my birthday before I go out and make myself forget
     that I'm one year older.
     Also there's only 5 more chapters left! :O I literally can't believe
     it. Chapter 20, homeward stretch. I better make every single one
     count.
     Bit less angst but hope you all like it <3
  “I forgive, but I also learn a lesson. I won’t hate you, but I’ll never get
   close enough for you to hurt me again. I can’t let my forgiveness become
                                   foolish.”
                                ― Tony Gaskins
===============================================================================
                                        
Unseeing eyes followed him as he walked through the dingy, overcrowded living
room, eerie china dolls decorated the floral walls, sitting uncomfortably on
wooden shelves. He stared back at the small, black beads when he perched
himself on the edge of the couch. His foot twitched side to side, unable to
stop the jittering nerves that tensed his muscles. Chinking cups filtered in
from the kitchen where his Mom was making them coffee. He didn’t really want
it, didn’t need any more buzz to his already electrified body but, god , he’d
needed a moment to get himself together. Just the sight of her had his heart
crumbling apart, that dulled ache ripped back open into an excruciating wound
that had taken his breath away. So, he let her fuss with the usual hosting
duties whilst he sat there and tried to calm his pounding heart.
He didn’t drink the coffee when she placed it in front of him, just took it
into his hands to give himself somethingto do, letting the heat burn through
his palms. Lori grabbed her own cup, seating herself on the neon couch that
clashed awfully with the walls. It was almost laughable seeing her sat there
sipping at her coffee, an effortless grace about her that didn’t quite fit with
the tacky decor in the room.
The awkward silence dragged on, both of them distracting themselves with the
drinks in front of them.
“Did you get your stuff?” Carl eventually asked deciding to go with a fairly
safe topic.
She seemed shocked that he knew, it took her a moment to answer. “Yeah, yeah I
did.”
He nodded, not quite sure what to say next. He wanted closure, thathe knew but
he hadn’t quite thought about how he’d get it. What kind of closure did he even
want? Could they really fix things? The more he thought on it the more he came
to the conclusion that he’d made a very stupid mistake coming here. The hope
from the morning dwindling away until he was left with nothing but the
uncertain future of his relationship with Lori. He was startled when she
suddenly stood up, walking away from the table and into the hall, returning
just as quickly as she’d left. Her hands shook as they played with the papers
in them, shuffling them around with no real purpose. He was surprised by the
tears he saw on her face when she finally raised her eyes to meet his.
“I…um…I picked these up for you…at the hospital.” Her voice wavered as she
spoke, offering him the papers.
Brochures stared back at him, ‘sex’, ‘assault’, ‘abuse’ manifested itself
across the various papers, each coming up in different ways but all conveying
the same message. He flicked through them quickly, his own hands shaking as he
took in the information, phone numbers, names of Doctors handwritten on some
brochures. Helplines, email addresses, websites overloaded his brain. Did
this…what was she… he couldn’t think quickly enough, his brain trying to
connect all the pieces to see how it all came down to this conclusion.
“I asked for some recommendations for the doctors, anonymously of course, who
might be able to help. I can…um…set up any meetings you might want.”
He was still staring that the papers, disbelief freezing his body as much as
his brain. Of all the things he’d expected from this meeting this hadn’t been
one of them. He’d been gearing up for a fight, screaming and yelling, probably
some crying but not this.
“Carl?” Lori sat on the small table in front of him, he shuffled back at the
sudden proximity. He needed some space, he had to think for a second.
“What…what does this mean?” He stammered out.
She closed her eyes against his disbelieving stare.  “It means I was wrong
Carl, I was so so wrong .” Her voice broke on the last work, tears now freely
falling down, marring her beautiful features. “I should never have said what I
said. To accuse you of…of lying about that, it was…unforgivable. This is, it’s
my way of apologising, of saying to you that I believe you that I never
should’ve doubted you.”
His first instinct was to rush over to her, wrap himself in her arms and let
her take care of him, bring him the comfort and solace that she’d always done
when he was a kid. He stopped himself. It meant more than anything to hear
those words from her mouth, it took away some of the heartache that had been
plaguing him, but the betrayal still stung at him. It just wasn’t enough . He
appreciated the help, God knows he needed it, but in that moment he just knew.
It struck him like a lightning bolt, he couldn’t just forgive her. He wasn’t
sure if he could ever forgive her. She might believe him now but she didn’t
then. Right at the time he needed her she wasn’t there. She’d taken off, put
herself and whatever damn emotions she was going through before his needs. It
was selfish, made his skin crawl with revulsion at her actions. She was his
mother , yet that hadn’t stopped her saying those vile things. ‘Apologise’
Lori’s lofty voice entwined with Shane’s commanding drawl. ‘…apologise for
calling me a rapist.’
Carl moved away from Lori, shaking his head in an attempt to shake the memories
creeping in.
‘Get on your knees and apologise ’
He clenched his eyes shut against the voice, he wasn’t back there. His shoulder
twinged as it had before, his nostrils filled with the scent of musty body
sweat and chinese take out, he desperately wracked his brain to stop the images
of being bent over a rattling table from overcoming him.
“Carl?”
He recoiled, snapping away from Lori when he felt her hand land on his
shoulder, she was too close. Her sweet perfume filling his nose, he practically
choked on it as it hit his throat. His skin itched again, heartbeat steadily
climbing back up as he tried to breath into constricted lungs. Breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe, please just breathe he pleaded with himself.
This couldn’t keep happening, this had to stop. He thought of his Dad, his hand
squeezing his, grounding him back to the world. Opening his eyes he focused on
the white swirl of a lily as it crept up the yellowing wallpaper, not like the
brown wood of Shane’s kitchen, it was white and yellow. His breathing eased,
air finally reaching where he so desperately needed it. He let his forehead
rest against the wall, ignoring the damp smell that seeped through the
wallpaper, anger bubbling inside at his Mother for doing this all to him. The
darker, more vindictive side of him bit out like a snake reminding him that it
was her fault, she’d been the one to start this whole shit off. Maybe if she’d
kept her fucking legs closed then maybe Shane wouldn’t have done what he did.
“Mom?”
“Yeah, Sweetie I’m right here.”
“Did you know it was your fault?” It was a shitty thing to say, exceedingly
shitty, a complete lie, she didn’t make Shane do anything. He knew that, he
just found it hard to care in that moment, that darker part of him yearning for
some sort of revenge. He turned his head to watch the expressions crawl across
her face as she absorbed what he had said. A sick satisfaction settled deep in
his stomach at the horror on her features. Good, he couldn’t punish Shane for
what he’d done, Negan and his Dad had already taken care of that, but he could
punish her for starting it, for pushing him away, calling him a liar.
“W-what do you mean?”
“Shane, the whole reason he touched me was because he couldn’t have you. The
first time…hell the first few times he thought I was you. He kept calling me
your name, told me to keep a secret from your husband . That time I cut my
hair? It was so I wouldn’t look like you, I stupidly thought it’d put him off.
God I was so wrong about that. He beat me black and blue for it, I could hardly
walk for a week afterwards, told me he’d kill me if I did anything like that
again.” He should shut up, he should stop spewing all the revolting things that
wanted to pour out, details of what had happened to him because of the two of
them but he couldn’t stop, not now it was all coming out. “That’s how I knew
about you and Shane, he told me all the dirty details of that night, made me
recreate it so many damn times it’s practically imprinted on my brain.”
She tried to stop him talking but he couldn’t, it was histurn.
“Then you had the balls, the fucking gall to tell me I’m lying .” Pure hate
spilled into his voice, reaching out from the dark depths of his soul. “You
storm out and don’t even give me a chance to explain everything, you shove
brochures at me, tell me you finally believe me and what? Expect me to just
forgive you? As if an apology is gonna make up for that? Sure Dad didn’t notice
what was going on, he didn’t see what was happening but at least he
listenedwhen I was ready to talk.”
“Carl-”
“You wanted me to apologise Mom! Just like Shane did when I said he was a
rapist.” A gutted laugh escaped him at the irony. “Of course when he told me to
apologise he wanted me on my knees with his dick in my mouth whilst I did it.”
He snarled at her. “D’you know what the worst thing is? That you loved him.
That this wasn’t a fling that went wrong, you loved that piece of shit, you
loved him so much you were willing to believe him over your own son. Hell, if
you’d had the balls to just leave Dad then maybe this wouldn’t have happened,
maybe we’d all have been happier. Dad would’ve moved on by now, Shane would
have what he wanted, you would’ve been happier and me? Maybe I’d be able to
sleep at night not worrying about who’s gonna be crawling into bed with me.”
She was openly crying at this point, snivelling tears that wet her face,
muffled sobs burst into her hands. Hurt was clear all over her, it sent a
guilty pang through him, he shouldn’t have said so much, that wasn’t him. He
wasn’t mean, he didn’t want to hurt people, but the years of pent up rage had
warped him, disfigured him to the point where he hardly recognised himself. She
needed to know what she’d done, she needed to know what her actions had caused,
how much she’d hurt him with her damn accusations and lies. It wasn’t nice, or
pleasant, but it was necessary.
He needed to let it out and she needed to know.
Totally necessary.
“Thank you for the help.” He grabbed the brochures, stuffing them into his
jacket pocket as he headed to the door. He was done here, he’d got what he’d
come for. He didn’t need her, it was a relief to know he didn’t even need her
to believe him. He had his Dad and Negan. Most importantly he had the strength
in himself to know that he could pull himself together, that he could face what
he’d been feeling and still go on. That he could let the darkness inside out
and still be himself. He could face disbelief and rejected and come through it,
bruised but not defeated. Although warped and disfigured, he was still Carl and
he deserved more than someone that doubted him.
“Carl!” She cried out. “Wait! Don’t go!” Rushing to block him from leaving.
“I’ve gotta go Mom, Dad needs my help.” He brushed past her.
“Is that it then? Are you ever gonna forgive me?”
He paused by the door, trying to think beyond the anger that raged inside him.
“I-I don’t know. I know…I know whatever made you do what you did with Shane
wasn’t…I know you didn’t make him do anything, I’m sorry I said that. You not
listening though…you walking away…I don’t know if I can ever get over that
Mom.” With his final words, he stepped back out into the crisp winter air,
hurrying back to the car before he said anything else.
*********
The battered ‘’Dixon Bros’ van was parked on the drive when he arrived home, he
was surprised to see his Dad and Daryl playing pool in what was their dining
room as he walked inside. They didn’t notice him at first, too busy laughing as
his Dad screwed up his shot, knocking one of the balls right off the table. It
wasn’t until they followed the ball’s path to Carl’s foot that they both
straightened up, the smiles falling off their face in a way that made Carl feel
like he’d interrupted a party that he wasn't invited to.
“Oh hey Carl.” His Dad slipped a smile on his face again. “Wondered where you
were.”
“Just out, y’know.” He nodded back at Daryl, the quiet man had kept his
distance since they first met. Only greeting him with a slight turn of his
head, before heading in the opposite direction. A total contrast to his brother
who seemed intent on bugging Carl every second they were in the same room. He
wasn’t totally unwelcome company, he reminded him of Negan in a way, all crass
jokes and bolshy language, only he didn’t have the same restraint that Negan
did. “How was your night? You guys have fun?”
“Yeah it was good.” His Dad replied.
Daryl adding. “Your Dad plays a mean game of poker.”
“You still kicked my ass though.”
They’d hardly known each other a week yet the two of them were bantering away
like they’d been friends for years. It warmed him to see his Dad look so happy
and relaxed, even with Shane there was always a competitive tension between the
two of them. With Daryl he just looked...happy. He tuned back into their
conversation just to see Daryl make his excuses to leave. He had a feeling that
the man didn’t like being around when Carl was, probably freaked out by Carl’s
reaction when they’d first met.
“I’ll see ya later Carl.”
Carl smiled back at him as he left the house. Turning his attention back to his
Dad who was occupying himself with tidying up the pool table. “So, since when
do we have a pool table?”
“I got it this morning on the way back from Daryl’s, thought we could put it in
the garage, give us something to do that isn’t watching tv all the time.”
Fiddling with the ball that he’d picked off the floor he debated whether or not
it’d be a good idea to tell his Dad about his visit with Mom.
“So where did you sleep last night?” Rick asked, disturbing him from his
thoughts.
He looked at him alarmed, how on earth did he know that he hadn’t been at home?
Rick’s searching gaze relented. “The cot isn’t out so unless you slept on the
floor I’m gonna assume that you stayed with Negan last night.”
“Um yes.” No point in lying to a damn cop, he hurriedly added. “But nothing
happened, we just slept.”
“In the same bed?”
He faltered with his answer, not wanting to lie but not quite willing to tell
the complete truth, unfortunately his Dad knew him too well to know what the
silence meant.
“Carl.” He had that firm parental voice on. “It’s not appropriate on any level
for you two to be sleeping in a bed together.”
“Well I wouldn’t have needed to if you’d sort me out a bed.” It was an obvious
attempt at deflection but he wasn’t totally wrong, part of the reason he’d
stayed was because he needed to sleep on something that wasn’t a damn cot.
“Carl-”
“I saw Mom this morning.” He blurted out, he could sense that this conversation
was going down a dangerous path and he really wasn't in the mood to argue it
out.
His Dad stopped short, brain trying to take in what Carl had said. “What? Why?
How did it go? Are you alright?”
All valid questions but too many to answer at once. “I’m alright, it was
weird...seeing her in that place. She doesn’t belong there.”
Rick sighed, rubbing his forehead. “She can’t come back here Carl, not now.”
“I know, I know.” Carl said. “I don’t even think I want that.”
His Dad looked alarmed this time. “Why? What happened? Did she saying anything
else?”
“No, she actually apologised. She...she said she believes me now. Gave me
brochures and recommendations for help if I want it.”
“Wow, wasn’t expecting that. That’s good though right? You two getting back on
track? I know things between me and her aren’t exactly good but you don’t have
to hate her because of that.”
“That’s not it. She left Dad, she didn’t believe me and she left. That...that
hurt more than I could ever imagine, more than any of the shit that Shane put
me through. I just didn’t realise that until she started apologising, that was
when I knew that no apology would ever make up for that. I dunno, maybe one day
it’ll be better but right now I don’t think I can see her.”
Rick pulled him in for a hug, stroking the back of his head as he always did.
“I’m sorry Carl. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to, I’ll make sure
of it, alright?”
Carl nodded into his chest, pulling back from his Dad. “I got what I needed, I
finally got to say what I’ve been wanting to say for years. It’s like a weight
off my chest.”
“Good, I-” A loud beep interrupted them, Rick checked his phone. “Shit, I gotta
go to the station. You gonna be alright?”
“Yeah.” He replied before adding. “Y’know, you should invite Daryl over more
often. He’s good for you.”
Rick nodded, looking contemplative as he left the house.
Carl supposed he should be grateful that he still had his desk and chair in his
room, the new furniture couldn't come soon enough. Sleeping in Negan’s big
comfy bed made him realise just how awful those damn camping cots were and not
just because they didn’t have a certain male inside of them. Thinking back to
the previous night brought a smile back on his face, initial awkwardness aside
it had felt so good to fall asleep in Negan’s arms, surrounded by him. It made
him think about those brochures burning away in his pocket, he pulled them out,
sticking them on the desk. Contemplating the words as he thought about what to
do with them. It’d be much easier just to ignore any urge to get help. He had a
feeling that any help would inevitably result in him having to confront
everything that he’d been trying so hard to repress. Other than the involuntary
flashbacks he’d been having, he had managed to keep his thoughts away from
everything that had happened. He didn’t think about Shane, he didn’t think
about all the abuse that he’d been through, hell he pretended that it hadn’t
even happened on the days when he wasn’t triggered by something around him.
It probably wasn’t the healthiest way to be. It certainly wasn’t going to stop
the flashbacks that seemed to be coming more and more frequently. Deciding to
be brave for once he picked up the brochure on top of the pile and started
reading through it.
He already knew most of the info, some from Negan, some from talks at school,
nothing particularly helpful for him. He’d already figured out how to help with
his flashbacks, the only disappointment was that there was nothing there to
tell him how to stop them from happened in the first place. The only advice was
to avoid triggers, he laughed at that, how are you supposed to stop something
when anything could be a trigger. Most importantly there wasn’t anything in
there about sex.
It wasn’t that he was obsessed with it or anything but he was a teenage boy who
happened to have a boyfriend that he wanted to jump every minute of the day.
Not to mention the fact that he wanted to stop anything that might get in the
way of their relationship, which included him feeling disgusted with any sexual
urges that he had.
So, like Negan, he turned to Google.
He must’ve spent hours searching through the web, reading article after
article, feeling slightly less abnormal when he read through other people’s
experiences. It made him feel a little less alone knowing that he wasn’t the
only one with these feelings. Most of it repeated what Negan already said, he
had to teach his body new instincts rather than try and repress the old ones. A
lot of it spoke about reconnecting with your body, he supposed that was true,
as much as he hated how cheesy it sounded. With Shane he’d spent so much time
ignoring what was happening to himself, disconnecting from it so he could make
it through to the end. He hated his body the whole time, refusing to believe it
was part of himself. The cold sting of betrayal everytime he found any pleasure
under his hands just enforced the idea. Now he had to figure out a way of
forgiving himself for it.
Carl almost laughed at the common suggestion for the best way to reconnect with
yourself. Masturbation. Here he was a teenager boy that didn’t want to jerk
off. He saw what they meant, understood how it would help and he supposed that
it would most definitely either confirm that he’d always feel sick after
orgasms or would help him. Still, it wasn’t easy to accept.
He glanced at the clock, it was late in the afternoon, if his Dad was still out
then it usually meant he’d be back even later. It would be the perfect time to
start the whole ‘reconnecting’ thing, even if it made him feel sick to even
think about it. The anxiety after what had happened last time made him even
more apprehensive. He’d jerked off before, but he’d never actually finished,
his Mom was home too often and always seemed to interrupt him before he could.
Then everything happened with Shane and the thought of touching his own body
revolted him.
The laptop slammed shut with a loud snap. There was no way he could do it, not
now. Too much too soon. He shoved the brochures into his desk drawer and left
his room, settling on the floor in the living room to go over his homework as
he tried to calm the nausea that still ebbed through his stomach.
************
Picking out new furniture had been a lot harder than Carl had thought. He never
knew it but it turned out that his Dad had very particular tastes about things,
he didn’t like floral but hated modern color blocking, whatever the hell that
meant. The house had at least been repainted so they had a color scheme to work
with but god his Dad was being annoying with it. Although what really pissed
him off was the way the sales assistant was shamelessly flirting with his Dad,
shoving her chest into his gaze at any opportunity, practically screeching with
laughter at any joke he made. What was worse was how his Dad seemed to be
lapping it up. He’d long since gotten over the fact that his parents had a
loveless marriage but seeing him flirt with another woman just seemed
unnatural, especially as his Dad seemed overly keen on flirting with her right
back.
He didn’t fail to notice her number scribbled on the back of the receipt when
they’d finally finished picking everything out. He almost asked his Dad if he
was going to give her a call before deciding that he really didn’t need to be
involved in his Dad’s love life, especially if that meant opening the door to
talk about his own. After their discussion yesterday, he and his Dad had made
an agreement not to talk about the whole Negan thing, although it hurt Carl to
leave such an important part of his life out of their conversations, he was
willing to make the sacrifice in order to avoid any further arguments.
They arranged to have the beds delivered later in the day, he almost cried with
joy when he got to lay down on the plump mattress, jumping onto it the second
it was set up in his room. He’d had to deal with the delivery men on his own.
as Rick had been called into work once again, it was painful and awkward. His
legs had urged him to run the entire time they were there, nerves making his
knees weak and his hand shake when he had to sign the delivery note. He kept
himself in living room by the front door, only moving when they’d finally left
the house, slamming the door shut and locking it behind them. Watching through
the window to make sure they’d actually driven off, breathing out with relief
when the van disappeared down the road.
The uneasy feeling haunted him all the way to his bedroom, he quickly
distracted himself with making his bed with the new sheets that his Dad had
insisted on buying, a necessity considering he burned all the other ones. It
was all fresh and crisp when he laid back, sinking into the comforter. Now he
could finally sleep in his own room instead of being squished in with his Dad
in the living room, he just couldn't wait for the other furniture to arrive so
they could have their home back. The only thing left to do really was the
kitchen, Merle had said it should’ve been done by now but blamed his Father’s
indecisiveness for the incomplete state. Carl couldn’t really disagree with the
man, his Dad certainly took his time trying to figure out what he wanted doing
with the room. The only thing left was the pick the counters and new flooring
but his Dad couldn’t make a decision no matter how much Carl bugged him to. It
was weird but at least he had his new bed.
He absentmindedly scratched at his stomach as he laid there, mind drifting
through all the things he had to do for school that week. Soon enough his mind
refocused on the feeling of his nails dragging the material over his skin,
suddenly hyper aware of the scratchy shirt that irritated his skin. Once again
he returned to the issue that had been plaguing him the last two weeks,
recalling the information he took in yesterday. Taking a deep breath to combat
the anxiety creeping back into him he decided to at least try. He had to start
at some point.
This time he let his fingers trail lower, slipping them underneath his shirt,
slowly letting them glide along his skin as he dragged his shirt up. That was
fine, no nausea there, just the weight of his fingers against his skin. He
stripped his shirt off, no point in keeping it on if he was gonna do this. He
just had to get naked, grab his prick, come and be done with it.
Shit.
This wasn’t gonna work if he kept thinking about it so damn logically.
He briefly contemplated calling Negan, asking for his help, the man never
failed to get him aroused and he was certain that he wouldn’t complain about
helping in this case. No, he quickly dismissed it, he had to do this alone, no
use in getting caught up in another person when he was trying to be with
himself.
So he tried a different approach, thinking back to the previous morning, the
steamy kisses and the hot weight of Negan’s body on top of his. Oh, there we
go, his dick finally started to show an interest, twitching in his jeans.
Closing his eyes against the cream ceiling he trailed his hand down again,
shivering when his fingertips brushed a nipple, the sensation pooling lust in
his stomach. He thought about Negan’s hand there, calloused fingers toying with
the bud, scraping over it with his nail before taking it into his mouth. His
breathing quickened at the thought, picturing the dark hair against his chest,
the deep voice whispering sweet nothings that would brush against his skin as
he trailed kisses over his flesh. He fumbled with his belt, hands shaking
slightly as he unbuckled himself and shoved his jeans off with his boxers,
leaving him naked on the bed. His first instinct was to grab the duvet and
cover himself with it, instantly feeling too vulnerable, eyes flicking to the
door just to be sure that it was in fact closed. He tried to alleviate his
body’s instincts, reminding himself that he was home alone, Shane wasn’t going
anywhere near him.
Taking another deep breath he returned his attention back to his body, he was
almost shocked as his own erection, he hadn’t looked at himself in so long,
preferring to ignore that the traitorous member existed. He noticed his
hardness flag a little at his thoughts so he pushed them away, refocusing on
the feeling of Negan’s lips on his, how they’d always nip at them before
sucking away the pain.
Trembling fingers wrapped around his prick, it felt so foreign to him, the
weird pleasure of his hand there vibrated through him. Still not too bad. He
experimentally pumped his hand up and down, cringing at the dry drag of skin
against skin. Quickly spitting onto his palm he returned it back to the hard
flesh before he lost his nerve, the stroke was easier this time, smoothing the
glide. It tingled deliciously through his body, more so when he thought about
Negan wrapping his strong hand around him, his hips gave an involuntary thrust
at that particular thought, imaging the man leaving wet kisses on his neck as
he pumped him. He moved his hand quicker as the thoughts grew more explicit, he
thought about the man doing this to himself, remembering how he’d dashed off to
the shower yesterday morning. He imagined the man in the shower, water trailing
down the tattooed chest, dripping off his body as he slowly jerked himself. His
pulse rocketed the more he thought about the low groans that he’d make, how
he’d stroke himself faster as he neared the edge, thrusting into his hand. His
own tightened on himself, letting his body dictate how to move his hand,
focusing on the pleasure building inside of him.
“Fuck…” He groaned out, other hand coming up to pinch his nipple adding to the
sensations swirling in his body. “God…yesss..” He matched his pace to Negan’s
in his head, picturing how the man would bite his lip as he came, that growl
he’d made when Carl saw him come the first time made his stomach clench and his
breath hitch. He moved his hand quicker, letting Negan’s voice fill his ear,
telling him how good he was doing, that deep drawl husky with lust. His hips
pumped faster into his hand, body tensing uncontrollably, then…he stopped.
Heart now pounding in a way that wasn’t to do with the arousal that was now
warring with the nausea inside of him. His hand shot away from his dick as he
sat up, fisting them in the sheets beneath him.
It’s just a feeling, just a feeling, it’s alright, you’re alright he reminded
himself. It’s okay to feel like this, it’s ok to get turned on. It’s ok to want
this. His breathing slowed, the sickness ebbing, still there but more like an
echo. He was almost disappointed to see that he’d gone soft, hating the sudden
change in the mood.
At least he’d done it, he’d tried and it had felt good. He didn’t feel guilty
which was a nice change, he didn’t feel ashamed of himself for doing it. It was
good, he told himself, some progress. It couldn’t all happen at once, practice
makes perfect and all that. So, he took another breath, dragging himself off
the bed to get dressed for a run. He’d try again another day, he’d keep trying
until he did it.
It took a couple of weeks of practice for him to come, thankfully Negan
provided him with all the incentives to keep at it. Friday nights became their
meetup night as his Dad had decided to make his poker nights with Daryl a
weekly thing, and if there’s one thing that was guaranteed it was that the two
of them would end up making out somewhere on the couch. Negan respected him and
pulled away each time things got too hot and heavy, Carl admired his restraint
as each time he dragged himself off to the bathroom leaving Carl to sit there
and think about what he was doing. The night he came he’d hardly reached his
bedroom before he’d torn open his jeans, Negan had been louder in the bathroom
that night and hearing him growl out his name as he came nearly had Carl coming
in his pants. He must’ve confused the guy when he’d blurted out his excuses and
raced home. He came with a few quick strokes, biting down on his hand to cover
the moans that wanted to burst out of him. As he’d expected he quickly felt
sick soon after, his body urging him to the bathroom just in case. It wasn’t as
bad as before but it was still enough to put him off masturbating for a few
days.
Eventually the sickness wore off to a small twinge after his orgasms, it was a
relief. What he hadn’t expected was for it to impact on his running, he found
himself unable to do half as much as he used to. Rather reluctantly he had to
admit to himself that it was probably to do with the fact that he was now
actually listening to his body rather than ignoring the painful aches that
developed. It frustrated him beyond belief that he wasn’t able to run as much
as he wanted to, it was still his outlet, it also made it harder for him and
Negan to hang around after school as he couldn’t keep up the pretence of
running for as long. Still, reconnecting with himself did make it easier to
hold off any flashbacks, he could feel them coming on these days, stop them
from turning into a full on freak out in public. It was a small progress but it
meant the world to him.
March_2018
His birthday came quicker than he’d expected, the cold winter slowly easing off
as spring rapidly approached.
Eighteen.
Standing in front of the mirror as he got ready for school was a shocking
reminder of how much had changed this past year. This time last year he’d been
so ready for death, unable to see a future for himself beyond the pain he was
in, starved of love and in a constant pit of fear. Now he was healing, a work
in progress, on the way to recovering from the trauma of the past couple of
years. He still felt fragile but now he didn’t quite feel like he was a breeze
away from shattering into a thousand pieces. He could breathe and feel and that
gave him life.. Looking into the mirror he saw a person instead of a haunted
shadow of one. Although he couldn’t recognise the kid that he’d once been he
could finally see a himself, a new version that wasn’t necessarily worse.
His Mother’s absence was more noticeable than ever that morning, although his
Dad had tried to make him some pancakes, like he had every year, he’d ended up
burning them. Carl had to take the smoking pan away from him and convince him
that cereal and toast was more than fine.
“Your Mom dropped off a card.” Rick spoke, dropping a light pink envelope onto
the table as they sat down.
“Oh.”
“She was gonna stay but there was an accident on the roads, she had to dash
off.”
“Didn’t you?”
“Nope, I’m off for the day, I’m gonna stay here and make us a nice dinner for
tonight.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Shut up and open your card.”
Carl did as told, tearing the envelope open, taking out the flowery card
inside. She hadn’t written much, just the usual words you’d find in a card. It
was unsettling just seeing her name at the bottom, not ‘Mom and Dad’ like
usual, something he’d have to get used to he supposed. “It’s nice.” He said
simply, standing to place it on the newly-placed kitchen counter.
“She write much?” His Dad asked mouth full of toast.
“Nope.”
Thankfully Rick let the conversation drop there, allowing them to finish their
breakfast in silence. He gave him a kiss on the forehead, holding himself there
before releasing him. The man was definitely getting soppier with age, giving
him a watery smile as he waved him off for school.
The day passed as they always did, dodging hits between classes, answering any
questions the teacher flung his way, trying not to stare at Negan during the
one class where the window faced the school field. He was surprised to get
called into his office later in the day, allowing him to skip the start of his
bio class.
They stood on opposite sides of the room, not wanting to get too close in case
they were suddenly disturbed. Carl looked at him quizzically, wondering why
he’d called him in if he was just gonna grin at him.
“Happy Birthday.” The man eventually said.
“Did you call me in there just to say that?”
“Yup.” Negan perched himself on the desk, that shit-eating grin across his
face.
Carl took a step closer, putting an knowing look on his own. “Is this part of
the whole power kick thing you like?”
“Yup.” He repeated.
Carl rolled his eyes at him, the man was too dramatic sometimes. “You could’ve
waited till later, I’ll be running on the pitch tonight.”
“No, you won’t.”
Now he was confused. “Why not?”
“Sorry, I’m under strict instructions to make sure you go home right after
school, think your Dad’s all freaked by the whole you-turning-18 thing.”
So, the old man was getting soppy, it made sense he supposed. Just a shame his
Mother didn’t feel the same way. “Oh, makes sense.”
“You alright?”
“Just disappointed, I can’t spend time with you today.”
“Me too.” Negan stepped closer, risking a quick brush of his knuckles on Carl’s
cheek, leaving a trail of tingles along it. “But I’ll see you tomorrow night
for our usual dinner date.”
Carl nodded, it really felt like too long, it was his special day he’d wanted
to spend some of it with him. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Better get to class though,
can’t miss too much bio or your favorite teacher will yell at me.”
Negan chuckled at him. “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Late pass?” Carl prompted, as much as he loved seeing him, he wasn’t gonna
ruin his now-perfect record by showing up late without one.
“Seriously?”
“Yup.”
They stared at each other before Negan relented, taking one out of his drawer
and scribbling on it. Their hands brushed as he passed it over, Carl let it
linger there, basking in the slight heat from the other man. “Tomorrow can’t
come soon enough.”
Negan stepped even closer to him, almost towering over his smaller frame. The
inches between them felt like miles, longing mirrored in their eyes as they
looked at each other. Carl licked his suddenly dry lips, it really had been too
long since they’d been alone together. The air thickened between them, tension
seeping into the tiny office. The ghost of the man’s lips on his own had grown
so faint Carl could hardly remember what it was like and he was so desperate
for a reminder. “I should…um.”
“Yeah-you need to…yeah.”
They both exhaled, taking a mutual step away from each other, whispering
hurried goodbyes before they resumed the roles.
As instructed he went straight home after school, but not without a final
longing look at Negan shouting on the pitch. Five minutes in a shitty office
just wasn’t enough. Nonetheless, he didn’t want his Dad thinking that Negan was
the one delaying him so he headed home, shouting out a greeting when he got
there.
Rick rushed over to him, greeting him back with a tight hug and yet another
kiss to his forehead. It was like the man was overcompensating for his Mother
not being there, he fussed over him as she used to, grabbing his bag, forcing
him to the couch where he immediately shoved a snack into his hands. “Good day
at school?”
“Yeah, not bad, have you been cooking all day?” The man had a stained apron
draped over himself.
Rick joined him on the new seat, handing over a bottle of water that he’d
grabbed from the kitchen. “Yeah, it’s your 18th, I want the dinner to be good.”
“Huh, how long till it’s ready?”
“Coupla hours, but I got us a movie to watch.”
Weird, his Dad wasn’t usually a movie kinda guy, he preferred a quick tv show
before he got too restless. “Yeah, Daryl recommended it to me so I thought we
could watch it together.”
“Okaay. Sure, whatever you want Dad.” Again, weird, but who was he to say no to
his Dad?
The movie turned out to be some weird motorbike documentary, so not like either
of them, at best they liked the occasional hunting documentary but that was it.
His Dad seemed hooked on it, hardly averting his eyes from the guys on the
screen, so weird. He sat there and suffered through it, finding himself
fiddling with his phone, trying to resist the urge to text Negan. His Dad
obviously really wanted him around that afternoon so the least he could do was
be there 100%.
That being said, he’d never been so grateful to see credits flit across the
screen, he could only take so much about motorbikes. Especially when said bikes
make him think of a certain biker and his bike which inevitably led to thoughts
that he really should not have in front of his Father.
“Good movie right?” Rick asked.
Nodding with a fake enthusiasm. “Yeah, it was awesome. You’ll have to thank
Daryl for recommending it.”
“I think I will. Anyway, will you set the table? Dinner should be finished
soon.”
Carl did as told, leisurely setting the places whilst his Dad shouted
expletives and, by the sounds of it, dropped several pans and burned several
bits of flesh. The chime of the doorbell made him jump, they weren’t expecting
anyone else or so he thought until his Dad told him to answer it. Merle’s
obnoxious grin greeted him on the other side, holding a bottle of some amber
liquid in one hand. Daryl was slightly behind him, a small smile on his face
and his usual nod for a greeting.
Somehow, he managed to mumbled out a shocked hello before letting them inside,
watching as his Father greeted the pair, pulling Daryl into a back-patting hug,
giving Merle a handshake. Of all the people to have over on his birthday, he
hadn’t expected them, although his Dad and Daryl had been spending a lot of
time together he didn’t realise they were that close.
“Dad why are they here?” He whispered to him, drawing him aside as the others
settled in the living room.
“I just thought it’d be nice to have Daryl here, more company. Merle…well
they’re kind of a two for one deal.”
“So, they can be here but not Negan?” He protested.
“Don’t push it Carl, just because I’m not stopping you from seeing him doesn’t
mean I’m alright with you two being together.”
Carl huffed, pushing away from the wall to finish setting the table, he’d only
planned on a dinner for the two of them so he added two more places there. It’s
not that he didn’t like having the two men around, they’d quickly become a
recurring feature in the house after the decorating was complete, but it was an
annoyance that his Dad would invite them and not Negan.
The dinner wasn’t a total disaster at least. The food was actually good, turns
out his Dad could cook when he could spend all day doing it. As much as he
wasn’t exactly pleased to have the brothers there it was so good to see his Dad
so animated again. He just didn’t have that when it was just the two of them,
there was always an underlying reminder of all the crap they’d been through,
that gaping void that they needed to figure out how to fill. They had to watch
what they said to each other at all times, neither wanting to cause any
unnecessary hurt to the other. Now though, now he was so carefree, joking about
that damn movie they’d watched with Daryl. Although not as animated as his
brother, Daryl still held his own with his Dad, he was such a quiet and calming
presence that Carl still couldn’t believe he’d freaked out so much when he’d
first met him. Merle, on the other hand, was an overwhelming presence at the
table, shouting crude jokes, drinking far too much to make Carl feel
comfortable. He wasn’t quite sure how mentally stable the man was, he seemed to
be one of those weird conspiracy theorists, banging on about viruses that would
wipe out humanity, or how robots would take over one day. It was a relief when
he finally sent him out the front door again, thanking whatever God there was
that his Dad hadn’t invited them to stay the night. As much as he liked Daryl,
his brother reminded him too much of Shane when he was drunk.
He shook all those thoughts from his head as soon as it hit his pillow,
relaxing his bone-tired body into the softness. He just had to get through the
night and then he’d get his time with Negan, that’s all he had to focus on.
**********
His Dad insisted that he come home that evening after dinner with Negan,
threatening all sorts if he didn’t. As much as he wanted to protest the
childish treatment, he knew his Dad meant well, and there was no way in hell he
was gonna say anything that might risk whatever time he did have with Negan. So
he made his promises and walked out the door, practically speeding as he made
his way to the cabin.
They skipped ‘hello’ and went straight in with kissing, their lips finally
meeting in the doorway. He deepened the kiss quickly, not wanting to spare a
moment of their time together, especially given his newly imposed curfew. Most
people got more independence at 18, he got less. Typical.
“Hi.” Carl eventually breathed out, breaking the kiss.
Negan grinned back. “Hi, you good?”
“Mhhm, completely good.” He sniffed the air. “Spaghetti again?”
“Of course, it’s a special occasion. Sit at the table, I’ll dish up.”
As usual the dinner was wonderful, perfect food with the perfect company. They
took their time eating, enjoying the simple conversation that flowed, enjoying
their feet twirling around each other more. It was stupid, and cheesy and he
loved every second of it. The simplicity, the casual intimacy that had grown
between them meant more than anything. It was an ease that he never thought
he’d experience, no drama, just the two of them. Nonetheless, Carl was
surprised when Negan swapped his dirty plate for a wrapped gift, placing the
box down gently on the table.
“What’s this?”
“Your present, had to get you something.”
Carl carefully unwrapped the box, reluctant to completely ruin the beautiful
wrapping, even with Negan huffing at him to ‘hurry up and open the damn thing.’
It was special, the first gift he’d ever received from the man he wanted to
embrace it. He lifted out a bold red scarf, almost identical to the one that
Negan had let him borrow at Christmas, except this one had ‘C.G.’ embroidered
in gold on the bottom corner. It was gorgeous, softer than the one he
remembered taking from Negan.
“It’s not much, but at least it’s your own.”
Carl hit him on the shoulder. “You’re more than welcome to get your stuff back
if you really want it.”
Negan’s laughed at that. “And face your Dad? Nah I’m good, ‘sides it all looks
so much better on you.”
“I know. Thank you, Negan, it’s perfect.”
Negan seemed surprised by that. “Really?”
Carl laughed at him. “Yes, I love it.” He stood and gave him a quick kiss.
“Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.” He pressed closer, eyebrows wiggling suggestively.
“Wanna thank me another way?”
His laugh grew and allowed the man to pull him over to the couch.
*********
“Mmmm…okay, okay, I gotta go.” Negan pulled himself off Carl, shifting away to
rub at his face, using every ounce of self-restraint not to jump back on the
teen. He started to stand but was interrupted by a small voice.  
“CanIwatch?” He blurted out, freezing Negan in his movement.
“What was that?”
He spoke slower this time, eyes locking with Negan’s. “Can I watch?”
“You wanna see…see me….” His eyes widened, pupils dilating with lust as he
caught on to just what Carl wanted. “You really wanna see?”
“Mmmhmm.” Carl shuffled back into his corner, settling himself down, eyes
dragging over Negan’s body. He’d been imagining it for so long, every damn time
Negan rushed into the bathroom and came out flushed with satisfaction. He was
more than ready to see the real thing, if Negan wanted to.
“Shit…alright then. I’m always happy to give a good show.”
Carl’s eyes took in every moment as Negan settled himself on the corner
opposite him, one long leg coming up to the couch, the other spreading to splay
himself open. The man really was a fucking performer, taking his time working
open his belt, slooowly dragging the zipper down on his jeans, before reaching
into to take out his hard cock. He licked his lips at the sight of it, thick
and red, a slow trail of pre-cum dripping down the long length. Carl almost
pouted when Negan wrapped his hand around it and blocking his view. He saw him
use that trail to slick himself up, slowly fisting his dick.
It was damn well one of the best sights he’d ever seen, better than any of the
fantasies he’d conjured up in his head the last few weeks. Arousal pooled deep
in his stomach, that familiar ache pulled his attention at full force.
Watching Negan close his eyes, head falling back as he lost himself in slick
glide of his hand along his cock, had him squirming in his seat, his own dick
straining against his jeans. “What do you think about?” He asked, trying to
distract himself from the voice that told him just to wrap his hand around his
prick.
“You.” His voice now lower, that husky growl getting more pronounced as lust
took over him.
“Doing what?” He was transfixed by the hand moving up and down, noting how he
always squeezed the head slightly when he reach the top before twisting his
hand on the way down. The man’s hips softly rocking back and forth under the
movements. His own dick now twinging with jealousy.
“Shit…” Negan’s eyes flashed a warning. “You really wanna know?”
He swallowed, before whispering out a “Yes.”
“I’m thinkin’ about you…naked…thinkin’ about all the things I’d like to do to
you. So many things Carl…ugh….” He let the sentence trail off, not wanting to
freak Carl out.
“Tell me.” Carl breathed out, captivated by the sight.
“Oh God Carl, I think about everything…you suckin’ my dick, your hand strokin’
me, your hand strokin’ yourself, thinkin’ of me when you make yourself come.”
Carl’s breathing became more unsteady, pulse now racing so hard he could
practically hearit. “And right now?” He prodded, wanting to know more.
“Right now? Now, I’m thinkin’ about your goddamn perfect ass ridin’ my dick
right here on this couch.”
He couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped him, lust slamming into him at the
sharp images that forced its way into his head. Unable to resist any longer he
shoved his own hand down to his jeans, quickly opening them so he could reach
in and stroke along his own hardness. Eyes falling shut, his hips arched up at
the touch, a soft gasp falling from his lips as he finally got the friction he
so desperately needed. It wasn’t until he opened his eyes to watch Negan again
that he realised that the man was watching him this time. He shivered at the
hungry look on his face, his iris almost invisible around his lust-blown
pupils.
“D’you like that idea Carl?” The man practically growledout his name. “Like the
thought of me buryin’ myself deep in that ass of yours? Wanna ride my dick like
I’m your favorite pony?”
“Oh god…yesss.” Carl hissed out, eyes falling shut again so he could enjoy the
images his words provoked.  
“Good boy, you’ll like the real thing so much better.”
He let out a whimper, tightening his grip around himself. “More, please.” He
pleaded, he wanted to hear more of his fantasies, more filth spew from that
decadent mouth.
“I’d get you nice and wet first Carl, stretch out that tight lil’ hole of yours
‘till you’re fuckin’ begging me to put my dick in you. I wouldn’t though, I’d
tease you first...ugh... keep moving my fingers in and out, nice and slow”
Carl’s hand matched his words, moving his hand slower on his prick. “I’d lick
my way down your body, tasting every inch of your skin, worshipping you, drive
you crazy when I nip and suck my way up your inner thighs, mmm I bet you taste
delicious down there. I’d kiss you every damn place but where you really want
it. Then, when your dick’s drippin’ like it is now, and your hole is all ready
for me then I’d let you hop on, let you slooowly slide yourself down on my dick
‘till you’ve got every. single. inch. inside of you. Christ, you’d look so damn
good up there, bouncin’ on my cock, sweet moans spillin’ out those gorgeous
lips of yours.”
He didn’t know what was better, the images of grinding himself down on Negan or
the damn hot drawling voice that told him every little thing that he was gonna
do. He could practically feel the ghost of a touch on his body, those lips
tracing their way under his clothes. He tugged himself faster, focusing on the
feel of his hand on his skin again satiating that hunger that had been building
up for so long. He was getting closer, his hips rising to meet his hand on
every stroke, body tensing in that familiar way. Negan’s voice still filling
his ears with pure filth.
“…then, when you’re beggin’ again, desperate to come I’ll fuck you so hard you
can’t see straight. All you’ll feel is my hands gripping your hips, my dick
sliding in and out of you, and the mind-blowing pleasure as you finally come.”
“Ugh…oh god…Negan.” He gasped out as his orgasm raced through him as if on
order, toes curling into the soft cushions under him. Slumping back against the
couch he just about managed to open his eyes in time to see Negan spill himself
over his hand, deep grunts falling from the man’s mouth that sent sparks of
lust through his oversensitive body.
They laid there, feet just brushing as they caught their breath together.
“Well, that was new.” Negan said, brushing his sticky hand on his shirt. “You
good?”
“Yeah,” Carl panted out. “Yeah, m’good, sticky but good.”
“No…uh…urge to puke?”
Carl scrunched his face up, he really didn’t need that image ruining his glow.
“No, not really, it’s still there, just not as much.”
“That’s good, big step.”
“Yeah, well I’ve been practicing.”
“Practicing?”
“Yeah, y’know.” He gestured downwards.
Negan’s eyes neared bugged out of his head. “Jesus fuck . Now that’s an imagine
I’ll keep for later.”
Carl tossed a pillow at him. “You just got the live show, keep that for later.”
“Oh I will, and all the others. C’mon tell me the details, where’d you do it?
Bed? Shower?” His voice dipped lower. “Naked or clothed?”
“You are such a perv.” Carl stood, closing his jeans enough to stop them
falling down. “I’m gonna go shower, leave you to your dirty thoughts.”
“Damn, if I was ten years younger I’d be yankin’ another one out right now
thinkin’ of you jerkin’ yourself.”
Carl rolled his eyes at him, Christ, he really was a dirty, dirty man.
Not that Carl could complain, he loved every fucking second of it.
**********
The house was empty when he arrived back home that evening, he found a note on
the dining table telling him that his Dad would be working till early in the
morning. He almost didn’t notice the big envelope buried under all the junk
mail, his name sketched across the front. He’d missed the mail that morning on
his way to school. His heart skipping a beat when he recognised the big purple
W in the top right corner.  His hands trembled as the scrambled to rip the
letter open, heart full on stopping when he read the inside.
He’d gotten in.
They wanted him.
He was going to Seattle.
Shit.
 
***** Fire *****
Chapter Notes
     Another chapter for you all! A few days delayed but it was one of
     those chapters that just wouldn't come out -_-
     Little sidenote! I've started going back through the fic to redo some
     of the older chapters, so if you're new to reading this and wondered
     why the format changed at chapter 8 it's because I'm currently
     fiddling around with everything. It's mostly checking grammar and
     things that I might have overlooked. I've flagged a couple of
     chapters for a re-write and I'll let you guys know when I do that.
     As always thank you for the comments and kudos I love each and every
     one!
                    “One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,
 you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die."
                                 - Beau Taplin
===============================================================================
                                        
They say a watched pot never boils, he’d never really understood that
expression until he was sat on the edge of the couch waiting for his Dad to
show some sort of reaction to his words. It felt like an eternity had passed
with the two of them sitting opposite each other, him staring anxiously at his
Dad’s face trying to discern if that twitch meant that he was unhappy, or
happy, or just twitching. It was almost alarming how Rick had frozen into
place, every now and again his mouth would fall open before a confused look
twisted his features and he’d close it again. At first each movement had sent
Carl’s heart racing, the butterflies in his stomach fluttered harder, but now
it just made him roll his eyes and question why his Father was such a drama
queen. Maybe if he moved away his Dad would do something?
He knew it was big news, Christ, Negan and his shitty Guidance Counsellor were
the only two people in the world that knew he’d even applied to college. The
last Rick had heard was that his grades were too troubling for him to consider
college this year. Now here he was telling him that he’d not only gotten into a
great college, but said college was on the other side of the damn country. Carl
made a mental note to stop surprising the man, all the shocks he’d given him
recently it really was a wonder that he was still so coherent. Destroying the
house aside, he’d coped well with the chaos of the last couple of months.
A car horn beeped outside, making them both jump. The silence was nearly
deafening after that, filling the void between them. His fingers tapped at his
the edge of the couch where he’d been gripping it tight, the repetitive action
soothing the nerves crawling over him. Just as he was about ready to scream at
him for a response Rick stood up. Carl followed, hands burying themselves in
his back pockets as he tried to brace himself for whatever his Dad was about to
say. There was a pause, then he found himself bundled up in a tight embrace,
face smooshed uncomfortably against his Father’s chest. Smothering arms wrapped
around his back, it had happened so quickly that some of Rick’s shirt had ended
up in his mouth where it had fallen open in a shocked gasp. He sputtered as it
clung wetly into his mouth, clawing at his Dad’s waist to get him to let go
before he suffocated.
Thankfully Rick took the hint, releasing him from his grip to lightly rest his
hands on Carl’s shoulders. Fatherly pride shone on his face, lighting up the
room, disappating all the tension that had previously occupied it. “Carl, I’m
so…  damn … I’m so proud of you.” A hearty chuckle burst out of him, his eyes
finally had that twinkle back in them. “You got into college!”
His laughter was infectious, the pair of them grinned at one another, clinging
to the first bit of real joy they’d shared in years. It was a moment that he’d
keep locked in his mind forever, giddy with the knowledge that he'd finally
done something right, that even in his darkest times he could still succeed.
He’d finally made his Father proud. He was thrown back into a fuzzy hug, not as
tight but he could still feel the love seeping through it.
This time, when his Dad pulled back, he had a serious look on his face. “Have
you told your Mother?”
His Mother, he’d hadn’t spoken to her since he went to see her, frankly his
first thought wasn’t to tell her, it wasn’t even his second or third. Negan had
been his second thought, the petrifying realization that in just a few months
they’d be thousands of miles apart from one another had been his third. Lori
really hadn’t fallen into the equation but the look on Rick’s face told him
that he’d have to make that phone call soon enough. “I’ll tell her later.” He
hastened to add. “I promise.”
“Good.” A heavy hand ruffled his hair. “God,  Seattle , huh? Did you apply
anywhere else?”
Carl shook his head, he thought it’d be enough of a miracle to get into one
college let alone several. He’d quickly dismissed Georgia for college so he
could be as far away from this place. It almost made him want to punch his past
self, he’d really fucked him over. At the time leaving home had seemed so
perfect, yet now all he wanted was to remain here with his Father, with Negan.
“Good thing you got in then. We’ll have to celebrate! Whaddya say? We could go
out or stay in? Get some Chinese takeout?” Rick was already rifling through the
pile of menus they kept in a drawer.
“Not Chinese, anything but Chinese.” He still couldn’t face the smell of
noodles without wanting to heave, even the sight of the takeout boxes filled
his ears with stomach-turning grunts.
Rick shuffled the menus again. “Okaay… pizza?”
“Whatever you want Dad.” Carl’s mind was riddled with other thoughts, he tried
to push them aside as the pair of them settled on the couch to talk about the
college, now wasn’t the time to be thinking of his relationship when his Dad
was so happy for him. He knew part of it was the man wanting to make up for his
own missed opportunities and he was more than happy to let him, warmed by the
knowledge that the pair of them had something to look forward to. Even if that
experience carried with it pitfalls of its own.
The conversation with his Mother hadn’t gone as bad as he thought it would,
he’d called her whilst his Dad was paying for the food. She’d been over the
moon for him, laughing, saying how proud she was. Admittedly, he hadn’t  hated
the conversation, it was still tense, lots of awkward silences where he wasn’t
quite sure what he wanted to say to her but at least the resentment he felt
wasn’t as prominent as it had been. They vaguely made plans to celebrate
together, nothing concrete, the thought of seeing her still sent tendrils of
dread through him but if it let her be happy for a few hours then he’d play
along.
As predicted his Dad talked his ear off about college as they ate, telling him
all the things he’d have to try out, all the college experiences that he
absolutely  had  to do. He talked and talked, it was a complete information
overload, so much to do. Eventually his Dad’s voice took on a weird tone, more
melancholy, he talked but all Carl could hear was all the amazing opportunities
that Rick had missed out on to take care of him. All the things he couldn’t do
because he’d stepped up and taken care of him and his Mom, left his carefree
youth behind to be a father to him. It made his heart sting to think about it.
His Dad had his flaws, he could be oblivious sometimes, not always helpful, but
it had never occurred to Carl how much he’d sacrificed for him. How everything
the man had done had been an attempt to give Carl the best life possible. Even
now, he’d nearly given up his life for him when he killed Shane, he destroyed a
piece of his own humanity, cut away at the morals that Carl knew he clung onto.
All to keep Carl safe, so Carl could go out and find his own place in the
world.
He swallowed down tears of gratitude, plastering a smile on his face for him,
nodding along to all the plans he was making. He’d never be able to repay him
for everything he’d done for him but forgiveness seemed to be a good start. He
made a promise to himself to work on it, to try and move past any underlying
resentment that lingered in his body about the past.
What’s done is done. He’d already started healing one part of his life, it was
time to work on the rest.
*********
 Carl spent Friday morning lying in bed listening to his alarm rage in the
background. He couldn’t be bothered to turn it off, his arm too heavy to lift.
The reality of telling Negan slowly crushed at him. He’d spent the whole week
trying to tell him, trying to find the right moment to spill the beans. It
seemed like each time he did,  something  happened to distract him, another
student knocking on the office door, baseball students running onto the pitch
after practice, even at home he’d hardly been able to find time without his Dad
to phone him. Then the one time he did he’d ended up on his back, jerking off
to a very detailed description of what Negan would do to him if he was in bed
with him. It was ridiculous.
A knock on the door disturbed him, forcing him to shut off the alarm. “What?”
He shouted through the wood.
“You gotta pack.” Rick came bursting through, reaching into Carl’s wardrobe to
grab the duffel he kept there.
Carl sat up, sheer panic hitting up. “What? Why? Is everything okay?” Had
something happened with Shane? Did they need to leave?
 Realising he might have been a bit too dramatic, Rick slowed down.
“Everything’s fine. I made weekend plans for us. A nice camping trip. Bit last
minute, we’re leaving early tomorrow so you gotta pack.”
“Camping trip? Where?” Carl wasn’t keen on visiting their old spot, not now
that it had been so tainted.
“This weekend, Daryl and Merle are going on a hunting trip and they invited
us.”
“Us? Hunting? Seriously Dad?” The idea was ridiculous. He and his Dad had
always ridiculed hunting as stupid and barbaric, now he was all over the idea?
“Yeah, it’ll be fun.”
“Fun?”
“Mmhmm, you’ll learn some new skills, get to know Daryl and Merle better, and
we can spend some quality time together before you head off to school.”
 Carl knew he had to go the second the man pulled the ‘school’ card. “Fine,
I’ll pack.” He dragged himself out of bed, grabbing some clothes from the
floor. “I’m still seeing Negan tonight.” That wasn’t up for negotiation.
“Fine. No sleepovers.” Rick pointed his finger at him. “I want you back by
midnight and up by 6am.”
He wanted him dead more like, 6am start on a weekend? Maybe his Dad wasn’t as
sane as he thought he was.
 He left for Negan’s early that afternoon, he usually spent time doing his
homework before he headed over but there’d be time for that later. He couldn’t
focus anyways, not with the nerves fluttering in his stomach. He was resolute,
he’d tell Negan that night. Then they could talk freely until he had to leave.
Hell, he’d miss his curfew if he had to but they’d talk it out like they always
do. At least if it all went to shit then he’d have a good distraction that
weekend.
He went searching when no answer came at the door, spying the yellow glow
shining out from the small building that housed Negan’s gym. His feet dragged
with every step, irrational fear filled him the more he thought about the
impending discussion, he’d put it off long enough really. Too many times he’d
let himself get distracted, today wouldn’t be one of those days. Negan would be
happy for him, that he knew, but Carl wasn’t quite ready to face the reality of
the conversation that they’d need to have.
All thoughts of any discussion vanished into thin air when he caught sight of
Negan, shirtless, splayed out on the weight bench lifting what looked like a
good part of his own body weight. Veins on his arms as prominent as the muscles
that exerted a ridiculous strength against the heavy weights. Each grunt as the
man lifted had his dick throbbing, hardening in his pants quicker than he’d
ever experienced, blood rushing south, making him lightheaded. Negan still
hadn’t noticed him standing there, his face focused, locked in a pain that
almost reminded him of the pleasured look he’d get when he came. For once his
teenage mind took over, any ‘beyond his years’ maturity disappeared until all
that was left was the realization that Negan was just damn  hot . The way he
was reclined on the bench had everything on show, the tight sweatpants, hung so
low on his hips, did nothing to conceal the firm muscle he knew was lurking
underneath the thin material. Carl had never been more grateful that the man
liked to work out without a shirt, tattoos on display underneath the sheen of
sweat that shimmered on his shin. He wanted nothing more than to lick it up,
enjoy the salty taste of his flesh under his tongue, trace the lines of the
skull on his pec. Biting his lip at the thought of trailing his tongue down
following the path of hair that went right under the material…
A loud clang of metal on metal snapped him from his thoughts, his eyes shot up
to meet Negan’s wide ones. If he wasn’t so aroused he might have felt a smidge
of shame at being caught so shamelessly checking him out. Instead, he took
advantage of his lust-addled brain to give him the courage to saunter over to
him, throwing a leg over to straddle the man on the bench. He let the man guide
his hips to settle him comfortably on top of him before he leaned down to kiss
him. His tongue lapped out, the familiar taste of Negan mixed with salty sweat,
he delved deeper into his mouth, taking control of the kiss for once. Judging
by the way Negan moaned underneath him, he didn’t seem to mind the role change
a single bit, just gripped his hips harder, tongue coming out to dance with his
own.
Carl pulled away from the kiss first, smiling when Negan’s lips tried to follow
his own. He leaned back pulling out of reach, his hands were firm against
Negan’s chest, he wanted him to stay right where he was. All spread out, just
for him, his own blank canvas for him to paint with his kisses. That cocky
smirk of his sent more jolts of lust through his body, tingling right down to
his toes.
“Well, hello to you too.” Negan’s voice was low, lust cutting at it till it
became huskier, his hands rubbed circles on Carl’s hips, the heat burning
through the jeans he desperately wished he wasn’t wearing. “I must’ve been a
very  good boy to deserve that.”
Carl rocked his hips, testing out the man’s grip, it was firm but he still had
space to wriggle down on the growing hardness beneath him. “Makes a nice
change.” Goosebumps prickled under Carl’s fingertips, he left a trail of them,
like footprints in the snow, marking the path his hands took as he stroked
along Negan’s skin. He was so warm, the heat practically radiated into Carl,
spreading through his body like a fire.
“Don’t know what you mean.” Negan’s firm hands slowly stroked up and down his
thighs. He leaned up, ghosting his lips over Carl’s. “M’always a good boy.”
Carl pushed down with his hands again, stopping him from taking his lips in a
kiss, shoving him back against the leather. “Good boys stay where they’re put.”
Negan held his hands up in defeat, stretching up to lock his hands behind his
head, if Carl wanted to run the show he damn well wasn’t gonna complain.
Soaking up the sight of him on top, that gorgeous blush that trailed from his
cheeks down his long neck, slipping from his view by the shirt the still
covered Carl’s skin. It was beautiful watching him work out his pleasure, even
if the languid, feather-like touches were driving him as crazy as the tentative
rocking of his hips. He could hardly blink, not wanting to miss out on a single
moment of this. Carl had never been so forward before, usually he had to take
the reins, encouraging him with soft, reassuring touches. Not that he’d minded
that, but this? This was goddamn glorious.
Smiling when he got his way, Carl’s hands resumed their exploration of his
chest, thrilled in the way Negan’s back arched whenever his nails scratched
over his nipples. He loved the way the man was looking at him, unconcealed lust
that covered his face took his breath away, it hitched in his chest, made his
hips rock into him, seeking more friction. Carl rewarded the man’s compliance,
sinking further onto his lap so he could let his lips trace his skin. His lips
burned where soft flesh met harsh stubble, the lingering sting on them urging
his hips forward again, grinding against Negan’s now-hard prick. His tongue
followed his lips, teasing out harsh pants that echoed in his ears, encouraging
him to be firmer. He nipped out, toying with the flesh under his teeth, soon
the pants turned to groans, hands that had been behaving themselves worked
their way back to Carl’s hips. They gripped them tight, rocking him harder,
Negan’s hips thrusting up to meet his own hesitant thrusts.
Carl let him claim back that bit of control, focusing on tugging at his earlobe
with his teeth as the heat between them became stifling, he loved how heavy
Negan’s palms felt on his hips. The possessive, forceful grip adding to the
pleasure pulsing in his veins. They hadn’t done this recently, Carl had been
reluctant to try it again given how it had ended last time, but he’d been so
damn wrong. It felt too damn good not to do, the intimacy of the moment, the
feeling of two hot bodies grinding together, working to reach that pleasure
that would wipe his mind out of all the worries he’d been bottling up.
He was too hot, burning up from the inside, he paused his movements, chest
heaving, taking a moment to strip himself of his shirt. Almost immediately
calloused hands found their way onto his pale flesh, tracing along muscles,
sending shivers up his spine at the rough feel on his sensitive skin. Their
lips found each other in a bruising kiss, it grew sloppy as their hips ground
harder against each other, tongues dipping in and out of each other’s mouths.
The chests slipped against each other, slicked by the sweat to create a
delicious friction. Carl’s nails scratched at Negan’s broad shoulder, trying to
find an anchor in the pleasure. Their heavy pants mingled together, lips
brushing, no longer a kiss, just wet heat. He hardly noticed the hands that
slid down his back, creeping under his waistband, it wasn’t until they
scratched at his ass, the pleasure burning at him, that he realised just where
they were. He couldn’t complain, not when they guided his hips more forcefully
against Negan’s, letting their cocks drag together in a friction that should’ve
been painful.
“That’s it baby, c’mon.” Negan murmured his encouragement into his ear. “You’re
doin’ so damn  good. ”
Carl let his words fill him, taking him away from any embarrassment at the
keening moans that he couldn’t stop falling from his mouth. It felt so damn
good, the fire in his stomach almost ready to burst out. “Negan… god…”
Negan gripped him tighter, nails digging into to his soft skin, pulling him all
the closer. Shifting his hips, he could get more friction, push them closer to
the edge if he just found the right...
“Oh…” Carl cried out. “ There... there… don’t stop...  please .” His hips
stuttered, the urge for his climax knocking his rhythm until all he could do
was rut instinctively against him, following the path Negan had paved for him.
He wanted his jeans off, wanted to feel more of Negan’s hot flesh against him,
wanted any barrier between their bodies to burn away until nothing was left but
the two of them caught up in their passion.
There we go, Negan thought, he felt Carl’s hips grow more frantic, his moans
coming faster and more desperate. “You gonna come for me?” He was about to
burst, balls getting tighter and tighter, but there was no way in hell he was
goin’ without giving Carl what he needed. A desperate whimper was his only
reply. “C’mon baby… that’s it… god you’re so goddamn gorgeous…c’mon… come for
me.”
That did it, Carl’s body seized up in his grip, stilling as pleasure roared
through his veins. The sheer look of ecstasy, the loss of the control that kept
Carl so tense all the time was enough to push Negan over the edge. He held
their hips flush together, grinding out their climax.
They caught their breath together, Carl gave up any pretence of holding himself
up and just let his body flop against Negan. It was uncomfortable, sticky,
Negan’s hands still laid heavily on his ass, massaging gently.
Great job on starting a conversation Carl, he mentally berated himself. He
really was too distractible.
He didn’t tell him that evening, making up yet another excuse for himself. He
didn’t want to ruin his happy glow. They’d showered, not together obviously,
then settled down to eat their food. It was nice, and perfect and he really was
a goddamn coward. He had so many opportunities to tell him but instead he kept
his mouth shut.
Stupid stupid.
They parted with sweet kisses, Carl promising not to get shot on his hunting
trip. Apparently it’s common to get in the way of a stray bullet aiming at
animals. He really didn’t need that information, as if he wasn’t dreading the
trip enough, now he had to worry about getting shot in the head.
 Knowing his luck it would happen.
The dark optimist in him pointed out that if that happened then, at least, he
wouldn't have to have that chat with Negan.
************
Rick’s jovial voice woke up the next morning, light dousing his room before
he’d had time to open his eyes.
Carl groaned and rolled over, burying his face into his oh-so-comfy pillow. He
needed sleep, more blissful sleep. Sputtered protests screeched from his throat
as his sheets were unmercifully yanked off him, exposing him to the cold
morning air.
 “Get up, we gotta go! They’ll be here soon.” Rick’s footsteps headed out of
the room as quickly as he’d come. “Get outta bed!”
He grumbled as he dressed, absentmindedly pulling on whatever clothes were
lying on the floor. They really needed to do some damn laundry, it had taken
him far too long to find something that didn’t stink to wear. In a haze he
walked into the kitchen, grabbing a bagel to munch on, he didn’t notice his
Dad’s eyes following him.
“Where’d you get that shirt?”
“Hmm?”
Rick gestured to his top. “Your shirt? I haven’t seen it before.”
Carl looked down, oh shit, not his shirt. He’d picked up the black one that
he’d borrowed from Negan the last time he'd stayed over. Even if he could talk
away the fact that it practically hung on him like a tent, he definitely
couldn’t explain the Harley-Davidson shield on the front. No-one in the family
had ever been into bikes, I mean he hadn’t even known what a Harley-Davidson
was until Negan had given him a full-on lecture about it. One of their less-fun
afternoons. “Oh… um… I borrowed it.”
“From?”
He was really gonna push this wasn’t he? “Negan.”
“Huh.”
Carl rolled his eyes at the angry tick on his jaw. “Relax Dad, you should be
grateful that I’m taking clothes. It was that or sleep naked.”
“I did not need to hear you say that.”
He just shrugged at him, shoving more of his bagel into his mouth. No point in
sugarcoating the truth, his Dad was gonna have to accept it one day.
A horn interrupted their conversation, it spurred his Dad into movement, he
grabbed at a backpack that had been lying on the kitchen counter. “C’mon, let’s
go.”
They’d split up when they arrived at the brothers’ favorite hunting ground,
much to the protests of Daryl and his Father. Merle had been insistent though,
grabbing his Dad to take him off into the woods. He and Daryl had stood in
silence for a moment, looking anywhere but each other, the trees around them
were slowly turning green again, it was a beautiful sight.
Eventually Daryl huffed and grabbed his kit from the truck. “C’mon, let’s get
goin’”
Carl followed Daryl’s lead, walking further into the dense wood until they were
completely surrounded by the trees. He hoped Daryl remembered the way back to
the car because he couldn’t distinguish any of the trees from the other, there
was no way he was gonna be able to figure it out on his own. The only noise
around was the cracking of twigs under his feet, it was eerie how Daryl didn’t
seem to make any noise when he walked, hunched over, seemingly listening out
for a noise, changing direction when he heard something. Carl tried to listen
out for whatever it was he could hear but he only caught the sound of bird
chirping and his own stomping feet.
After a while it became clear that he was pissing Daryl off, the man huffing
back at him every so often, usually coinciding with his feet plodding down on
the floor. This had been such a bad idea, the pair had nothing in common, what
on earth had possessed his Dad to take him out like this?
“You ever been huntin’ before?” Daryl paused in his steps.
“Nope, fishing but not hunting.”
Daryl placed his crossbow on the floor, weird choice of weapon but it seemed to
suit him, walking closer to Carl. “Okay, quick run through, you gotta be more
gentle with your feet, don’t let them fall too heavily or you’ll crack the
leaves, lettin’ ‘em know you’re comin’. Then listen out, it might take a while
but eventually all the shit will zone out of your head and you’ll hear their
footsteps, subtle but it’s there.”
Carl wasn’t quite sure about that but he’d try, better than just aimlessly
following the man through the woods. So he did as told, walking more softly on
the ground, listening out for any noise that wasn’t his own heartbeat. He was
still stepping on twigs but it wasn’t as prominent. It was relaxing in a way,
to just forget the world and lose himself in the forest. They didn’t catch
anything, every now and again Daryl would stop and raise his crossbow, swearing
when whatever it was he was looking at vanished.
“Alright, let’s try somethin’ different. You ever set a trap before?”
Carl just looked blankly at him, getting another huff in return before the man
spurred into action.
“So you’ve just gotta lay the trap like this, and you stand a good chance of
catching whatever you want.” Daryl cautiously stepped away from the intricate
trap that he’d built.. “Then we wait.”
Carl was surprised when Daryl sat down a few feet from the trap, leaning
against one of the trees that surrounded them, that was it? “We wait? That’s
all?”
“Yep.”
An awkward silence fell between them. They’d never been alone together before,
Carl didn’t really know what to say to him. He thought about sitting next to
him but the anxiety that haunted the back of his mind told him to stay away;
just in case. The more the silence dragged the more he felt like he should say
something. Recent weeks had told him that Daryl was going to be a more
permanent fixture in his life. Rick talked about Daryl non-stop whenever the
topic came up and, God, did the topic come up a lot. Carl felt like he already
knew his life story from his Father. It took a while, the silence almost
turning painful before Carl figured out a safe topic for them. He approached
Daryl cautiously, taking calculated breaths to stop the urge to run from
overwhelming his body.
“So… um… I realised I never said sorry.”
Daryl looked up at him, eyes piercing as Carl sat down next to him. “What for?”
“Freaking out the first time we met. It was nothing personal.”
“It’s cool I get it. Rough time?”
Carl knew what he was asking, Daryl’s eyes betrayed a wisdom that his
appearance contradicted. He wondered what had happened to make him so
insightful, too many times he’d caught the man looking at him with a strange
sadness on his face. What did he see in him? “Things happened. Things I don’t
like talking about.”
“Shit kid, I’m sorry. Whatever it is… no-one deserves to have their childhood
fucked with.”
There was a hint of familiarity in his tone, an understanding that he’d not
heard before. He wanted to ask him about it. It was sick, in a way he almost
wanted to know how much Daryl understood what he was going through. A tendril
of hope unfurling, hoping that it might have someone to reach out to. “You know
what that’s like?” Guilt hit him even as he spoke, he knew he’d hate it if
someone asked him such a thing but he couldn’t restrain his brain’s want to
know more.
Daryl didn’t say anything for a moment but his body tensed.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” Carl backtracked. “I’ll… um… I’m gonna go
sit somewhere else.”
“No.” Daryl finally spoke, his voice soft but commanding. “It’s fine. Yeah, I
know. Our Dad, he was… uh… not a nice guy. Bit too quick with his fists rather
than his words. Merle tried to keep me safe from it, but he wasn’t always able
to.”
It was hard having to imagine a life like that. It had been hard enough with
Shane and the bastard hadn’t even lived with them. If it had been his Dad?
There’s no way he would’ve coped, not living under the same room as someone who
could cause so much pain. He should come up with a better response than “Oh.”
It was hard to know what to say. It would be too weird for him to fling into a
whole spiel about how he understood that, and how he’d struggled too. Yet he
felt like he should say more, he just didn’t know what.
The wind whistled past, as the seconds ticked by with no words from either men.
“Does it ever bother you now?” Carl asked.
Daryl looked over at him, scratching at his chin as he contemplated his words.
“Sometimes, every now and again. Some days everything is fine, some days I
can’t even look at a belt without feeling the memory of the pain striking out
at me.”
Not really what Carl wanted to hear, deep down he’d hoped that one day he’d get
over this shit with Shane.
“Don’t think about that though Carl.” Daryl continued. “There  are  good days,
so many of ‘em. They outweigh the bad most of the time. You’ve just gotta
remember that on the days where things go all screwy again.”
He nodded back at him, he got that.
There was a loud snap behind them, dragging both of their attention back to the
trap.
“Sounds like we caught something.”
Carl looked back, he couldn’t see anything, he kind of hoped that there
wouldn’t be anything there, it made him sick to think he’d killed something
like that.
It was a long damn day, he’d encountered more blood and death than he’d ever
wanted to. Merle and his Dad had been a bit more successful than them, picking
up a large deer that had a bullet in its brain. The two seemed chummier than
ever, laughing and joking around.
Daryl took him under his wing that weekend, teaching him all the stuff that
Merle had passed down to him. He taught him how to light a fire without a
match, the best way of cooking whatever you could find in the woods, how to
create a meal from the berries in the bushes.
“All the important survival shit.” Merle had said, watching the pair.
 The man was truly paranoid, he was insistent that the world would go to shit
at any point, constantly telling him that he had to be ready to for it. Daryl
just rolled his eyes to Carl, muttering ‘crazy bastard’ under his breath with
the affection that only came between family. Again that voice inside perked up
at the thought of the world ending, no college talk then.
Christ, he really was fucked in the head.
The next day they split up again, only this time Daryl was the one that
insisted he and Carl stay together. Rick protested slightly, pulling Carl aside
to make sure he was really okay with it. That was the first time that Carl
realised how much everything with Shane had disturbed the man, as close as he
was with Daryl there was still a hint of distrust there. It took a bit of time
for Carl to reassure him, but eventually he let up, keeping his eyes locked on
them as they walked off.
It’s not that Carl hated his Dad being that way, he got it, more than anyone
understood the distrust but he couldn’t think like that. What kind of life
would he have if he spent his whole time mistrusting people?
 It was horrible, a battle every damn day to convince himself not to run away
from people, not to flinch when someone brushed past him. The alternative was
worse though, easier, but worse. Living a life without people, alone in his own
space. Unable to have friendships, meet new people, he didn’t want that. He
needed his Dad to understand that, he couldn't keep reminding him of how
distrustful people could be. Just as he needed to remind his Dad that not
everyone was like Shane, Negan wasn’t like that, Daryl didn’t seem like that.
As he told himself everyday ‘it’s ok to trust people.’
He and Daryl didn’t bother hunting that day. The man had forced him to build a
trap, then, instead of waiting, taught him how to identify the plants around
them. It had made his head spin but it was interesting nonetheless. Daryl was
so relaxing to be around, there was no expectation of conversation, he was
happy just to work in silence. Every now and again he’d pick up a berry or a
plant and quiz Carl on it, moving on when he got it right, explaining when he
got it wrong.
It became clear that weekend that the ‘Dixon Bros’ were here to stay and Carl
couldn’t deny that he was happy about it.
**********
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. His brain practically screeched at him with each
hit of his feet on the hard turf. He pushed his legs harder, trying to run away
from the voice in his head, his legs were now burning, muscles screaming almost
as loud as his brain. Not quite loud enough, he thought, pushing all the more
harder. Negan’s shouts pierced through every now and again, just when he was
trying to stop himself thinking of the man the voice would prick up and remind
him exactly what he was desperately avoiding. Faster. Faster. Faster. He pushed
and pushed, racing around the track, no matter how fast he went he couldn’t
escape it.
There was that damn voice again, faster, he thought, go faster. It took him
another couple of laps to realise the voice had been shouting his name. He
slowed to a walk, looking over at the now-empty field, Negan’s solitary figure
waving over at him. A wave of nostalgia washed over him, it was like that first
time they’d spoken. Although he was still buzzing with same nerves as he walked
over, there was now a lightness in his chest, a bubbling of joy that always
appeared when he saw the man. He was still intimidating, tall and strong, it
still sent shivers up his spine. Before it had been shivers of fear but now it
was a whole different ballgame.
“Goin’ pretty hard today? Somethin’ on your mind?” Negan asked when he finally
reached him.
He could hardly catch his breath but he managed to pant out a firm “No.”
Negan gave him that trademark ‘bullshit’ look of his.
“I just wanted to push a bit, see if I can get back to my old times, y’know?”
“Keep going like that and you’ll hurt yourself.”
Carl tried to brush him off, scoffing. “I’ll be fine, I’ve gone harder than
that before.” His case wasn’t helped by the sudden twinge in his thigh when he
tried to move away. Negan was over like a shot, supporting him under his arm
before he fell like a sack of potatoes.
He helped him over to the bleachers where he settled him down. “Oh yeah, you’re
doin’ so fine.”
In that moment Carl wanted to punch him in his ‘know-it-all’ face. “It’s just a
twinge, I’ll be fine.” He was taken aback when Negan knelt in front of him,
hands coming to touch his leg. “Negan!” He warned him, taking a look around to
make his point. It wasn’t the time or place for that, even if the thought did
send pleasurable tingles through his body.
“There’s no one here Carl, all the guys were long gone by the time you
stopped.”
Jesus, how long had he been running for? Those hands returned to his leg.
“I need to have a look at you, make sure you haven’t fucked your leg up with
your insane running.”
“Not insane.” Carl replied, he was being petulant but he wasn’t going to admit
he’d fucked up.
“Sure.” Negan rolled his eyes, the kid was too damn stubborn. “Where does it
hurt?”
Carl gestured along his left thigh. “It’s alright now, it was just a twinge.”
Negan slipped his hands along it. “You’ve probably just overdone it. This
should help.”
“What are you gonna d- ooh.” The words caught in his throat when Negan started
massaging the muscles. He wasn’t expecting  that.  Firm hands rubbed at his
thigh, brushing dangerously up his inner thigh, fingertips dancing underneath
the hem of his shorts each time he circled around. Carl’s breath hitched on at
each brush, body tingling with something that wasn’t his muscles relaxing. Now
was  not  the time for that he tried to remind himself. Even if the baseball
team had gone home, teachers could still be hanging around, the car park was
adjacent to the field, any one of them could spy the pair.
He cursed himself when that thought just made the lust flare up in his belly.
“You wanna tell me what possessed you to run so fast? Don’t give me that
bullshit of ‘getting back to old times’ you’ve never given a fuck about that
shit before.”
Carl rolled his eyes at the man’s impression of him, he was such overkill at
times. “I just thought I’d try something new, nothing to worry about.”
“You’ve said that before.” Negan pointed out, digging in deeper on his leg.
“That was different.” Not really, he thought, admittedly his news wasn’t
disturbing, yet it still had the potential to destroy the relationship he held
so close to his heart.
Negan gave him another one of his soul-searchings looks, he nearly broke then,
opening his mouth to speak before drawing it closed. He couldn’t do it. Not
now, he wanted more time with the man before things went to shit. It was
unfair, right when he was finally piecing his life back together this had to
blow up in his face. Six months ago this would’ve been the best news possible,
he’d have been jumping for joy, now the news just sunk in his stomach. It
clawed at his brain, it made him lose sleep at night wondering how he was going
to tell Negan, his mind racing with all the ways it could go badly wrong. He
could lose him. Did long-distance relationships ever work? Would Negan even
want to try?
Their relationship was so complicated, they weren’t boyfriends, they weren’t
partners, they were more than friends  that  he knew but they were beyond
labels. More like two people who had found each other in the darkness and clung
together to find their way through it. Not always visible but they were there,
he could feel him beside him every second of the day, plastered to his skin
like a burn. No more removable than a scar. The thought of losing him, of not
seeing him everyday, the horrifying thought that the two of them might just
slip away from each other was completely devastating. Like losing a part of him
that had become as essential to him as the air he breathed.
 “Carl?” Negan’s concerned voice slipped through his haze. “You sure you’re
okay?”
Carl nodded, giving him a weak smile. Now wasn’t the time. They had plenty of
time for sadness later. “Will you sit with me? Watch the sunset?”
The look Negan gave him made his heart clench, he was so downcast, searching
for something in Carl’s face that the man must know he’d never find. The look
was quickly replaced with a smile that wasn’t quite there, before he stood and
sat beside him. Physically flush against his side, but to Carl the distance
felt like miles, like he was just out of reach of his fingertips. Carl let his
hand fall onto Negan’s, clenching it tight trying to bring him back, trying to
remind himself that he was right there. For now at least, he was beside him.
When they separated it was with a longing stare, Carl wanted to kiss him, more
than anything he wished they weren’t in the school parking lot. Things were
still distant between them, Negan was either hurt or pissed off with him. He
was more insightful that Carl gave him credit for sometimes, he knew something
was up. He’d tried so many times to get Carl to open up whilst they were sat
there before giving up.
Carl didn’t know why he couldn’t just tell him, everytime the words nearly
slipped out, his mouth just gave up, his throat choked on the words and he
clammed up. It was infuriating. They said their goodbyes and walked off, Negan
back to his car, Carl back to his house.
 More distance, less than what was to come but just as devastating.
Carl goes home to half-listen to his Dad rave on about college.
Negan goes home to chug the whiskey he’d kept hidden away under the sink. Not
quite ready to give it up yet.
 He hated the stabbing ache that throbbed in his chest every time he thought
about Carl. It hurt. It hurt to know that Carl was keeping something from him.
After everything they’d been through together did he really not trust him?
The whiskey burned at his throat, nearly choking as he swallowed it down,
hoping it would bite way at the pain coursing through his veins. He could
hardly stand it.
The more he drank the more he panicked. It didn’t reassure him like it usually
did, it sent his heart racing, it made him want to call up Carl and demand
answers. It was fucking cruel to leave him hanging like this. He wondered what
he could possibly be keeping from him?
His mind pounded with so many possibilities it hurt. It could be anything,
residual shit from Shane, the crap with his Mom, something new with his Dad. It
could be to do with him, the devil inside him whispered in his ear. He tried to
dismiss it but the idea kept coming back, maybe Carl was finished with him.
Maybe whatever they were was too much for him, or not enough. Maybe he was over
whatever fetish made him want to be with Negan, the sneaking around getting too
much. He might just want something normal, not whatever twisted and all-
encompassing thing they had. The more he thought about it the more he believed
that leaving him was plaguing Carl’s mind. It made sense, probably why he
didn’t want to talk to him about it. He’d understand it.
Being with Carl was playing with fire, he could get fired, or worse. Not that
he cared about that, every second with Carl made it worth it. Yet, every second
made him more and more aware of how attached he was to the teen. He had slipped
under his skin, made himself at home in his head… in his heart. Like a drowning
man coming for air, he feasted on the time he spent with Carl. Hands reaching
out for him like an instinct. It was like he was freezing until skin met skin,
then his whole body lit up in flames, each nerve raw and exposed, feeling every
single particle in the air.
It had never been like this for him before, never so consuming, never so
addictive. Even with Lucille there wasn’t a single moment where he’d thought
he’d waste away without her, not like with Carl. Everytime he’d nearly lost
him, when he’d nearly hit him with the car, when that fucker Shane had dared to
point his gun at him, it stopped his heart in his chest.
He took another long chug. If Carl wanted to leave him, he’d let him go. As
agonizing as that would be, he’d let him walk away. He’d do anything if it made
Carl happy, even if it meant losing a chunk of his own self.
 **********
They ignored each other all week, Carl didn’t bother going running, Negan
didn’t bother calling him into his office like he usually would. When they
found each other in the corridors they’d exchange tense smiles before letting
the hoard of students herd them along.
Carl thought about calling him so many times, picking his phone up several
times only to chuck it, and himself, back onto his bed. He needed to talk to
him, not just because of college, but because he  missed  him. He missed his
laugh, his stupid jokes, even that fucking arrogant smirk of his.
As he laid out in bed, watching the rain hit the window, he missed Negan’s
comfort. He missed those longing looks in the corridor, he hated the awkward
tension that lay between them. Carl always hated it when they fought, usually
because of his own stupidity. He often wondered when it’d be too much, when
he’d push Negan so far away that he wouldn’t want to come back. Even Negan must
have his limits, he’d get bored of this shit soon enough.
Huffing out a breath, he rolled himself out of bed, padding over to the window.
It really was a beautiful night, rain dancing on the window, clouds haunting
the sky like ghosts over the land. Shoving the window open he hung his head
out, letting the cold rain hit at his face, refreshing his features. Moments
like this made him feel like everything might be alright, the rain would cease,
daylight would come, and the clouds would turn to white. The seasons would
change no matter what, he would change no matter what. Things that seemed
unbearable would become bearable.
 At least that’s what he told himself.
**********
“I got into college.”
That was how it came out, not as a meaningful confession with a grand build up
full of symbolism and reassurances that their lives weren’t going to change and
everything would be fine. It just blurted out from his mouth when they were in
the middle of watching some cooking show on the TV. Carl had gone over to his
after school, trying to ease some of the tension. It hadn’t worked, even as
they sat there watching the screen, the distance between them grew and grew
until he broke. Negan had paused, much in the same way that his Dad had, taking
a dragging moment to take in what Carl had said. The TV flicked off in the
meantime, a quick movement from Negan that Carl hardly noticed. Once again, he
was focusing on the man’s face, watching all the emotions flicker over his
face. Confusion soon turned into sheer joy, which turned into a fierce hug,
pulling him closer on the couch.
“Congratulations, knew you had it in you.” Negan placed a quick kiss on his
lips. “Is that what’s been bothering you?”
Carl hd his face, nodding. “I didn’t know how to tell you… I wasn’t completely
honest when I told you which colleges I’d applied for.”
 “Okaay, which one did you go for then?”
“Well… um… you might know it.” Carl wasn’t quite sure how to say it, still
unsure how the man might receive the news that he’d applied for his alma mater
behind his back. “It’s University of Washington.”
His face flickered almost undetectably with surprise, just for a moment, before
the joy took over again. “Udub? Carl, that’s amazing. You should be proud.”
“I am, I really am. Couldn’t have done it without your help.”
Negan shook his head, an indulgent smile crossed his handsome features. “You
did it all on your own, you didn’t need help, just a nudge.”
“Well, I appreciate the nudging.”
That got him a little laugh, there was something off though. Negan had shifted
away, not much but enough for Carl to lose the warmth of his body.
“So why didn’t you tell me you’d applied? I coulda helped more, talked to some
people.”
“I wanted to...” Carl paused, brain flicking through to find the right words.
“When I applied… I didn’t want to let you down if I didn’t get in... I didn’t
think I could handle it.”
Negan’s hand found his, threading their fingers together, giving a squeeze that
made Carl feel less like a jerk. “You could never let me down Carl. Ever. I’m
so happy for you, you’re gonna love it there.”
“Do you think?” He hadn’t let on to his Dad but the thought of college
petrified him. Not just the whole moving away thing but everything, meeting new
people, learning new things, what if he couldn’t take the challenge? What if he
melted under the pressure? Things could get so bad again.
“I do, you’ll be fine.”
“And if I’m not?”
“Then come home and we’ll figure it out. Whatever happens, you’ll thrive, it’s
who you are Carl.”
“I just don’t know if I want to go there now…”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
So many reasons, leaving his Dad, leaving his Mom, moving far away all on his
own. Most importantly, the feelings for the man stood in front of him that were
bubbling up in him uncontrollably, threatening to burst out at any moment. “A
big part of the reason that I even applied was to get the hell away from here,
I could’ve gone to Georgia, they had the classes I wanted but I  needed  the
distance. I fucked up.”
“It’s not a fuck up, it’s an amazing opportunity. I know I’m biased, but
Seattle is damn amazing. It’ll change your life.”
“I like my life now, things are good at home, Dad and I are finally getting
along again.”
Negan rolled his eyes at that. “You can’t let this opportunity pass you up for
your Dad, Carl, you’ve gotta go live your own life at some point.”
“It’s not just because of that.” Carl was getting desperate now, his heart
pounding away in his chest. He stood, walking away to put some distance between
them. Why couldn’t he see? How could the man  not  know why he wanted to stay?
Why he was so worried about leaving? Did he really not realise that life away
from Negan just didn’t seem as appealing as one with him?
“Then what is it?”
“It’s because I love you.”
The conversation stilted. The room dropped into a foreboding silence. Their
breathing the only discernable sound in the room. Carl’s heart clenched in his
chest, almost crippling as the vulnerability that came with those words hit
him. He hadn’t meant to say it. It just came out. The feelings that he’d never
cared to dwell on, preferring to live in the moment rather than think of the
consequences of having such feelings, of understanding what they really meant.
Deciding to take the brave route once more, he swallowed, preparing to finish
his words. “I love you Negan, the thought of leaving you, not being able to be
around you for weeks on end... It’s been  killing  me since I found out.”
He’d stumped the older man, he was so still Carl wasn’t even sure if he was
still breathing. As the silence dragged on, dread spread its clawing wings in
his chest, flourishing as it settled low in his belly. He’d never considered
this option, the one where Negan didn’t say it back, didn’t say anything. It
shattered his heart, his face flushed, he regretted ever saying those words.
So, he did what he knew to do, he shifted way, walking quickly to the door,
trying to convince himself not to cry until he was far away from him. Negan
intercepted him, hands coming up to cup his face, bringing their lips together
in a kiss that made him melt.
It was lingering, not lustful but just as desperate, trying to convey the
feelings that Negan himself didn’t want to admit. It made things more
complicated, so much more fucked up than they were. He should’ve cut it off,
nipped this damn relationship in the bud the  second  he felt himself grow
attached to a student. Instead he let it grow like roses in his heart,
nourished every time he saw Carl, blossoming at each smile, each kiss, thorns
stabbing at the organ every time he let him walk away. Hearing those words fall
from his lips was like feeling it all at once, like he was constricted yet
freed at the same time, given life by this small teenager who had let him into
his heart. Carl, who loved him regardless of the fucked up, twisted things he’d
done. Words would never convey how much he cared, no amount of ‘I love you’s
would cover the depths of his feelings for him. So he kissed him. Let his lips
carry the words he’d carried so deeply in his heart for so long. There would be
time for talking later, time for reality to set in, but for now he basked in
Carl’s light, keeping the dark world at bay for a few precious moments.
***** I have my moments *****
Chapter Notes
     Oh my days, left it a little late with my update but I do have a good
     excuse! I unexpectedly started my new job last week, my start date
     was changed around so much that it was a genuine shock to get it
     confirmed. The training is super super intense, 5 weeks of non-stop
     exams and practicals so I have to say my updates will be a bit
     sporadic in the next few weeks. I had hoped to have completed the fic
     by the time I started but my muse just didn't play that way. So
     please just bare with me for the last few chapters. It's also why I
     haven't been able to respond to any comments in the last one, it's
     just been so hectic but I have read and love them all so thank you so
     much for leaving them!
     For those interested this song was my total muse for the first scene
     of this chapter so feel free to listen as you read:
     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lEszPx8pu0
“Do you know how there are moments when the world moves so slowly you can feel
  your bones shifting, your mind tumbling? When you think that no matter what
 happens to you for the rest of your life, you will remember every last detail
                         of that one minute forever?” 
                                ― Jodi Picoult
===============================================================================
                                        
Some moments in your life speed past like a bullet in the air, hurtling through
the world at 1,000mph, one blink and it’s done, in the past, to be locked away
as nothing but a sweet memory. Yet some moments linger, like the world has
stopped just for this very moment, the one that doesn’t stay in your mind, it
stays in your soul, it becomes part of your very core. It shapes you, it
changes you, for the worst, for the better, it is irrevocably a piece of you.
Carl could singlehandedly count those moments, that New Year's, the moment his
Father landed that first punch, the second Negan placed his lips on his own
only a few second ago, yet it felt like a lifetime. They stood there, locked in
a moment and a kiss, it had never been like this before, never so desperate, so
all-encompassing.
Lips moved over lips, tongues slipped together as their bodies inched closer,
not even a single breath of air could pass between them. Hands clutched at each
other, never moving, just clenching tighter and tighter onto clothing, onto
hair, anything that would keep them tethered together. Warm tears trickled down
Carl’s cheeks, mingling into the kiss, bitter salt tainting the sweetness of
Negan’s mouth. He felt Negan’s hands cover his cheeks, thumbs brushing at the
never-ending stream, soft reassurances mumbled at him, ghosting over his lips
before they were taken again and again.
The room was too hot, too suffocating, too heartbreaking. Something had
changed, almost the second Negan had reached for him he knew something was
different. There was a sadness to the kiss, one that stung at his heart even as
it sang with a joy that only having a love so reciprocated could incite. The
desperation doing little to conceal the inevitable storm that was about to bowl
over their lives. Things were going to change, they were going to change, even
if by some miracle that managed to stay together whilst Carl was away at
college, would they even want to be together after? The poison burned through
his mind, each reality seeping more anguish into his bones. He let out a
despairing moan, trying to push closer to Negan, trying to twine them together
so he could escape the thoughts swirling around him. In his frustration he
pushed at him, shoving him back into the couch they’d moved from, forcing him
down onto it. The kiss broke as Negan fell, sprawling onto the cushions in an
undignified heap, almost immediately Carl clambered on-top, reuniting their
lips, chasing away the cold that had shattered over him at the loss of his
body.
It still wasn’t enough to dampen the doubts swirling like a hurricane in his
head, no matter how hard he kissed him, how tight he clutched at him, it wasn’t
enough. He tugged at his shirt, pulling away from the kiss once more to pull it
over Negan’s head, trailing his hands over the newly exposed skin, letting the
feeling of it fill him. The now familiar shape of his torso was a comfort, a
muffler to the voices in his head, he let his hands drag down then back up. His
lips followed, tasting the warm skin under them, feeling it shiver and shake
under his ministrations. Carl let Negan twist them over, spread his legs to let
the man slip between them, wrapping them around his waist to get him closer.
Their lips found each other again, softer this time, almost like the first
time, huddled under their tree, in their own little world. Just like the first
time, it was brief, only a skim of lips against lips. Still enough to send his
toes curling, back arching as he tried to follow those lips.
His eyes fluttered open, breath catching as they met Negan’s adoring gaze, how
could one simple look express so much. He could live a thousand years and never
forget those brown eyes, the crinkles at the corner whenever he gave one of his
devilish smirks. Nor would he ever forget the simple touch of his fingers on
his skin, the way it left goosebumps as they trailed up his chest, dragging his
shirt up.
It tugged over his head, leaving him bare and exposed beneath the man. The gaze
turned downwards, taking in every inch of his skin. He’d never felt this
vulnerable before, Carl wanted nothing more than to grab his shirt and duck
back underneath it, his arm twitched coming to cover over his torso. He was
acutely aware of how his ribs still stuck out slightly, the various scars that
still littered around his body from his time with Shane, even with the time
passed he was still convinced that Negan would be able to see every single mark
that Shane had made. That maybe he’d be able to see how he’d ruined him,
dirtied every inch of his body with his mouth and his clawing hands.
A hand covered over his arm, softly pulling it away. “Don’t Carl… you don’t
need to hide from me.” Their fingers intertwined next to Carl’s head, laying
deep into the cushions. “You’re so damn gorgeous.” Negan whispered against his
skin, placing the lightest kisses along his collarbone.
The fire still crackled on in the background as Negan explored his body, doing
exactly as he said he would; finding all the little spots that made his body
tingle and jolt with pleasure. He squeezed the hand in his grip tight, running
the other through soft hair as the man drew out pleasured moans. Hot breath
steamed his skin, sharp teeth gently tugged at his nipples forcing gasps out of
his throat. Carl watched him kiss lower, tongue trailing over his hip bones,
lips dancing dangerously close to his waistband. He panicked for a moment, his
breath catching as his body froze, before he relaxed again focusing on hands in
his, the brown eyes that stared up at him with love, not with a deadly
possession.
Negan’s gaze turned questioning, gesturing down at his jeans. Carl gaze a jerky
nod, breathing more rapidly as the man knelt up, both hands coming to work open
his jeans. It was all so new, yet so familiar, dark memories pressed at his
brain remembering the last person who’d touched him like this. He had to keep
reminding himself that things were different as his boxers were pulled off, he
worked on calming his erratic breath, trying to stop himself from running off.
“You alright? Need me to stop?”
Carl shook his head, hands reaching over for Negan, pulling him close,
breathing in his scent. He was safe here, in his arms, safe and loved. Their
lips met again, this time with a heat that rivaled the fire next to them. Lust
pooled in his stomach as Negan’s hands grew more assertive, taking over his
body with a dominance that sent shivers up Carl’s spine. A hand slipped down
his side, curling behind to grab at his ass, pulling his hips up to drag
against Negan’s, the harsh scratch of his jeans on his flesh wasn’t enough to
quell the hardness forming there. Carl let his own hands roam over Negan,
scratching lightly down his chest in the way he knew Negan liked. He was
quickly rewarded with a quick tug of his lip, teeth pulling at the flesh before
sucking it into his mouth. Carl moaned at the sensation, he was so distracted
with the tongue plundering his mouth to notice the hand that crept over his
hips, brushing lightly over his dick.
“This okay?” Negan asked, keeping his grip light, ready to remove his hand the
second Carl told him too.
He didn’t, he just let out a muffled “mhmm” as the pleasure took hold of him.
Carl openly moaned when the hand gripped him and moved faster, he hadn’t
realised how much attention Negan had paid when he watched him jerk off, he
knew exactly how to move his hand. He never thought it would feel this good to
have another hand on his body, how much he wanted Negan to never stop touching
him, how much he never wanted to stop touching the other man.
His own hands pawed at Negan’s jeans, he bit his lip as trembling fingers
plucked open the belt, Negan helping when he fumbled at the zipper. Their eyes
locked in a heated gaze as Carl reached into his boxers, small hand curling
around the large hardness in there. He watched the pleasure spread on Negan’s
face when he gave a few experimental strokes, the man’s eyes falling closed as
his hips gently thrust into his hand. Carl grew more confident with each moan
that slipped out of his lips, hand pumping more firmly, brushing over the head
to collect the pre-cum gathering there before using it to slick his way down.
Negan swallowed his next moan, pushing his lips back onto Carl’s, not bothering
to check himself this time as he nipped at his swollen lips, tongue slipping
between them. His hand resumed his stokes on Carl’s dick, their arms awkwardly
knocking together as they let their passion take over. Working on an instinct
to fill the want in the body, to just forget the shit they’d have to deal with
and just feel each other.
“Negan .” Carl moaned out as the hand on him quickened, squeezing harder,
pushing him rapidly toward the edge. He clutched at the other man, crushing
their lips together to stop more desperate moans from creeping out. Wet sounds
filled the room, the kiss from more desperate, sloppy as they became
overwhelmed by the pleasure that made their bodies tremble. “I… shit…ohgod…N-
Negan.” His eyes rolled back as his orgasm washed through him, he jerked and
shuddered in Negan’s arms, harsh pants pushing out his mouth. He hardly noticed
Negan’s hand close around his own, pulling his hand tighter around his cock.
Hot breath panted against his lips, quickening before halting as a heat spurted
over his hand. Carl barely opened his eyes in time to see Negan’s screw up with
pleasure, lost in the same waves that had taken Carl moments ago.
Carl tilted his head, giving Negan more space as he buried his face into Carl’s
neck, catching his breath. Carl stroked at his hair, running his hand through
the locks before placing a quick kiss on his temple. He kept his lips there,
basking in the moment. The fire crackled on, the rain pattered at the window
but all he could hear were the soft puffs of Negan’s breath. He let his arms
tighten around him, wishing he could pull him closer, wishing he could keep him
there forever. All he could do was hope that whenever the storm hit they’d be
able to survive it.
*********
Carl watched him sleep that night, curled up on the chair beside the bed, much
like Negan had before. Sleep wouldn’t come to him that evening, they hadn’t
spoken much, just showered quickly before hopping into bed. All the ‘what if’s’
filled his head, the uncertainty of the future plagued at him. He needed to
talk about it, he wanted to know what Negan was thinking, whether he believed
in a future where they were together or if he wanted a clean break. Carl knew
Negan loved him, that was more than clear now, they didn’t need words for that,
but would it be enough? Would the mere thought of him be enough for Negan when
he was thousands of miles away?
He gnawed on his nail, foot tapping where it rested on the soft cushion.
Thousands of miles away? That was a terrifying thought. They barely coped when
they had to spend a week apart let alone months.
Negan shifting dragged his attention back to the present, he watched the
confusion curl up on the man’s tired face. A groggy “Carl?” fell from his lips
when his hand reached out to grab at nothing.
He extracted himself from the chair and slid back into the bed, scooting over
to Negan, wrapping his arm over his waist. Feeling strong arms wrap around his
own, Carl settled down again, watching Negan’s chest rise and fall as he fell
into a fitful sleep.
The next time he awoke he was still plagued by the same doubts that only
doubled when he realized that he was alone in bed. An unease crept over him, it
wasn’t like Negan to just leave him like that. Padding down the stairs he found
Negan on the couch, head hanging in his hands. He hadn’t dressed, he was just
sat there in his boxers, hair still mussed from sleep. “How long have you been
up?” Carl asked, coming to sit opposite him, perching on the coffee table.
Negan looked up at him, eyes bloodshot, clearly it had been a few hours since
he’d slept. “Awhile.”
“My snoring didn’t keep you up?” Carl tried to keep it lighthearted, tried to
keep the sinking feeling in his stomach at bay.
Negan gave him a weak smile. “No, just… thinking.”
Carl was almost afraid to ask. “About?”
“Everything.” Negan sighed and leaned back on the couch, hands rubbing at his
face. “Us, the future... what’s gonna happen when you go to college.”
So Carl wasn’t the only one worrying about it, the thought should have relieved
him but instead it sent an anxious flutter in his stomach. “Did you come to any
conclusions?”
“Far too fuckin’ many Carl. All of them as shitty as the other.”
“Which one are we going with then?”
Negan gave him a look that tore at his heart, utter sorrow laid in those brown
eyes. “None of them that wouldn’t hurt like a fuckin’ bitch.”
Just as Carl had thought, he swallowed, trying to wet his dry throat. “W-what
does that mean then? For us? What do you want to do?”
“It’s not about what I want Carl, it’s about what’s best.” Negan sighed,
leaning forward again to place his hands on Carl’s knees.
Carl shifted away, certain now that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere he
was ready for it to go. “What’s best then?”
Negan swallowed, looking down. “For us to… for us to not be together when you
go to college.”
Carl knew it was coming yet no forward thinking could have prepared him for the
actual words. It was like a dagger to the chest. He couldn’t say anything, he
just sat there and tried to recover from the hit.
“Carl….”
Carl shook his head, walking away from the table, taking a moment to gather
some strength. “How…how is that the best thing?” His voice shook as he spoke,
trembling with tears? Anger? He couldn’t tell anymore. He saw Negan stand in
the window’s reflection. “How could you want that?”
“Jesus, Carl, I don’t want that, I’d never want that but it’s better for the
both of us.”
“How? How could being apart possibly be better than being together?”
“Because we won’t be together Carl. Not really. We’ll both be sat pining after
each other every moment we’re away. College is a life-changing time Carl, so
much happens, good and bad, I don’t want you to miss out on a single thing
because you’re busy thinking about us.”
“What makes you think I’d be sat around doing that?” Carl protested.
“Because it’s what we both do now Carl, c’mon don’t bullshit about it. Whenever
you’re not with your Dad you’re with me, and if we’re not together then we’re
thinking about being together. It wouldn’t be good for either of us to live
like that, not for four years.”
Carl wanted to point out the flaws in his argument, wanted to say that he was
wrong but he couldn’t. Things with Negan was so all-consuming, practically
every waking moment was spent thinking about him. Being apart would only make
it worse. He didn’t notice Negan walking closer until he was right behind him,
his head leaning down to rest on Carl’s shoulder.
“I don’t want this Carl, if I had it my way I’d keep you here forever but you
need to go. You gotta go live your life, go to college worry-free, ready to do
whatever the fuck you want.” He added in a hushed tone. “Do whoever the fuck
you want.”
Carl recoiled at that, stepping away from him. “I don’t want anyone else. Not
like that.”
“You say that now but what if that changed? What if you met someone there?
Someone that blows your mind, you never know what’s gonna happen and I don’t
want you to miss out on something amazing just because of me.”
“I-I don’t want to even think about being with anyone that’s not you.” Carl’s
voice trembled again, tears springing to his eyes. He didn’t want to be with
anyone else, his heart shattered at the thought that one day he might not feel
this way about him. It was inconceivable that anyone else could ever make him
feel like Negan did.
Negan rested their foreheads together, breathing deep. “I don’t want to either…
but it could happen and I can’t… I can’t bear the thought of you missing out on
your happiness because of me.”
“You are my happiness.” Carl whispered.
“And if you still feel that way in four years I’ll be here.” Negan brushed at
Carl’s face with his knuckles. “M’not goin’ anywhere.”
“I don’t wanna be away from you.” Tears now openly slipped down Carl’s face.
“I know… I know.” Negan gave him a quick kiss. “But you have to. You’ve been
through so much shit Carl, you gotta go have some fun. Spend some time with
yourself, figure out who you are on your own, without me and your parents.
We’ll all still be here when you get back.”
Carl took a shuddering breath, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “So
that-that’s it? We’re done?”
“When you go, or before, if that’s easier?”
“Neither of them are easier.” Carl said.
“I know.”
They paused for a moment, breathing each other in.
“When I go…” Carl spoke. “When I go, that’ll be it but for now, can we forget
it? Be normal again? I need it to be normal again.”
Negan gave him a kiss. “Of course.” He said before wrapping him in a hug.
Trying to control his own emotions as he felt Carl trembled and fall apart in
his arms. His own heart shattering into a million pieces. He knew it was the
right thing, knew he couldn’t put their lives on hold for four years, but he’d
be damned if that didn’t kill him.
***********
He felt broken when he arrived home, hardly able to get ready for the day. He
didn’t want to go to school, he wanted nothing more than to sink into his bed
and forget the conversation that he’d just had. He didn’t want to deal with his
Dad though, not with his questioning and no doubt the joy that he’d show when
he found out that Negan had broken up with him.
Negan had broken up with him.
No, he’d done what had needed to be done. He was right, Carl couldn’t stop his
life, not for a guy no matter how he felt about him. Just like he couldn’t
expect Negan to stop living his life when he was away.
It was for the best. Even if it destroyed a part of him.
He did all that he could to avoid Negan at school the next day, even the sight
of his bike in the parking lot sent an devastating ache through him. Most of
his time was spent in the library reading the same sentence over and over
again. Never quite getting it into his mind.
“You gonna change the page?” A light voice appeared out of nowhere.
Like before Enid sat herself in opposite him, looking at him expectantly,
huffing when all he did was stare back blankly. “You didn’t text me, or call. I
thought we were gonna try again.”
Her words hardly registered in his head, he barely stuttered out an answer.
“I...I-uh… sorry.” He ended flatly.
A weird look flitted over her face. “You okay Carl? You don’t look great.”
Carl laughed to himself, when had he ever looked great? “Yeah, no, it’s just
been a long week.” He tried to rub his head into focus.
“What’s been going on?” She asked. “I know we’re not exactly close anymore but
I’m still a good listener.”
He couldn’t tell her, it was another thing he had to keep to himself. “Just
college, the whole moving away thing.”
She nodded understandingly. “I get it, I got into Berkeley. It’s awesome, I’m
happy but… leaving home? That’s terrifying.”
At least they could relate on that. With everything going on with Negan he’d
hardly had much time to consider the reality of living away from everything he
knew. “Congratulations, it’s an amazing college.”
She beamed at him. “Thanks. Where are you going?”
“University of Washington.”
“Nice! Beautiful campus.”
“Yeah. It’s why I picked it.”
“Are you gonna go see it? Check it out for real?”
“I haven’t thought about it to be honest.” He probably should, he might get
there and hate the place. A slim possibility but it could happen. “I’m not sure
if I wanna go.”
“How come?”
“It’s just so far away from home, kinda wish I’d applied closer.”
Enid thought for a moment. “I think everyone feels like that, anywhere that’s
not home is too far really. It’ll be good though Carl. Getting outta this
shitty town, going somewhere new and exciting. It’ll be life-changing for the
better.”
Carl sighed, putting down the pen he’d been gnawing on. “It just doesn’t feel
that way right now.”
“Go check the place out Carl, it might help y’know. Most of the open days are
next month, I’m sure your parents would take you.” She said. “If you hate it
then that’s your answer.”
“Yeah, I’ll check it out. Thanks.” He gave her a quick smile.
“No problem.” She stood again. “I gotta go, I’ve got practice but honestly
Carl, text me. I wanna hang. You can tell me all about Washington!”
“Sure.” He meant it this time, he’d try and text her, he was gonna have to get
used to the whole making friends thing again after all.
Thankfully he was success in his attempts to avoid Negan, breathing a sigh of
relief as he walked up to his house. The weekend couldn’t come soon enough,
even if it meant having to deal with Negan on Friday. It hurt too much to think
about how he’d have to push through the pain of knowing their time was limited.
For once he wasn’t looking forward to Friday, he wished he could skip it and go
to the weekend but every moment was precious. He had to take advantage of it
even if it mean it would hurt more later.
His Dad was lying on the couch when he walked into the room, pillow over his
face. His body jerked up as the door clicked shut, the pillow hit the floor and
his Father’s groggy face appeared. “Carl?”
“Yeah, you alright?”
“Yeah, m’good.” His words slurred together, he looked exhausted. Carl hadn’t
failed to notice the amount of hours his Dad was putting in at work. They’d
hardly spent any time together since the camping trip. “Busy day is all.”
“Work?” Carl asked, sitting next to him.
“Yeah, lots of animal attacks going on right now. Keeping us all on our toes.”
“Doesn’t sound like fun.”
“Nah, it’ll be fine. Just some wild dogs we think, keep an eye out if you’re
out late though Carl. Don’t want anything happening to you.”
Carl nodded, not that he was ever out late these days. Negan really hadn’t been
lying when he said that anytime he wasn’t with his Dad he was with the other
man. “So, I talked to Enid today.”
Rick seemed surprised. “Oh yeah? You two friends again?”
“We’re trying. We talked about colleges. She actually reminded me about college
visits, UDub are running on next month, on the 6th. You think we can go?”
Rick’s face fell as quickly as it had lit up. “The 6th?”
Carl nodded.
“I’ve got training that whole week, I can’t miss it.”
Carl’s heart fell, he really needed this visit. He needed that reassurance that
this place was worth leaving everything for. “Oh, no problem.”
“I’m sorry Carl, I wish I could get out of it. Maybe we could do a trip up
there another time? Check the place out on our own.”
“Sure Dad.” Carl smiled at him. “Maybe over the summer?”
“Perfect.” Rick’s phone buzzed. “Work, I gotta go. There’s some dinner to heat
up in the fridge. Be good.”
Carl sank back into the couch, wondering when his life would be simple again.
**********
Friday came soon enough, Negan greeted Carl with a small smile and a kiss that
hardly brushed his lips. So much for normal Carl thought. As usual they sat
down for dinner together, but this time the kitchen was filled with small talk
instead of their usual light banter. A heaviness lay between them that had
never existed before. A chasm that Carl had no clue how to even begin closing.
The clink of cutlery was overwhelmingly loud in between silences, each grateful
for the distraction of food.
“How are things with college?” Negan asked.
The forbidden topic, or so Carl thought, it hurt too much to consider it. He
didn’t want to bring it up so he wouldn’t have to think about the conversation
they’d had. “Nothing’s really happened. I spoke to Dad about going to an open
day but he can’t get the time off so it looks like I’m not going.”
“Seriously? He can’t get time off? It’s an important day.”
Carl tried to brush it off. “It’s super busy right now and he said we’d go
later, do our own little tour of the place.”“Huh.” Was all Negan said,
returning his attention to his plate.
There was something else there, Carl thought. “What?” He prompted.
Negan looked up. “What?”
“There’s something you’re not saying.”
The other man scoffed. “No there’s not.” Sighing when Carl used his ‘bullshit’
look against him. “It’s just open days are important, you get the ‘access all
areas’ pass, you can meet professors and others students. You should go.”
He’d said everything that Carl had been thinking. “I know. Dad really can’t get
the time off, not right now anyways. So I’ll have to settle for a quickie tour
later.”
“Alright then, I’ll take you.”
“What?” Carl wasn’t sure he’d heard him right.
“I’ll take you dumbass.” Negan wiped his face with a napkin, utensils
cluttering to the now empty plate. “You might as well get the tour from someone
who knows what they’re talking about.”
“Seriously?”
“Yup.” Popping the ‘p’.
Carl lunged at him, running around the table to fling himself into his lap.
“Thankyou.” He mumbled into his neck, enjoying the vibrations of Negan’s laugh
against his chest.
“You won’t be sayin’ that after a 5-hour flight with me.” Negan joked.
“I’m sure I can handle you on a plane.” Carl pulled back, a genuine smile
crossing his face for the first time that week. “Thank you.”
Negan stroked his cheek, glowing at the joy on Carl’s face, Christ he’d do
anything to keep it on there. “It’s fine.”
“I’ll talk to my Dad about it tomorrow, he’s not gonna be happy about it.”
“I’m sure he’ll come around when you explain how important it is. We’ll have
separate hotel rooms obviously.”
Carl pouted at him. “Really? Is that necessary?”
“For your Dad it is. Can’t have him thinkin’ I’m corrupting you.”
“You are corrupting me.”
“I’m sorry, who jumped who in the gym?”
“Again, you made it seem like a good idea.”
“Suuure.”
“Shhh, just accept it.” Carl kissed him hushing any further comments from the
man.
Carl quickly found himself hiked up onto the table, dinner plates pushed aside
as the kiss grew more heated, both eager for a better distraction. Desperate
hands pulled at clothes, Carl’s shirt tore down the front, Negan far too gone
to bother with the damn buttons, simply tugged it down his arms and onto the
floor. He let Carl push him away to roughly shove his shirt over his head
before recapturing his lips in a passionate kiss. Negan urged Carl down, laying
him flat against the hard surface so he could worship at the pale skin. Carl
lost himself in every nip and suck, each touch electrifying his body until all
he could do was clutch at sweaty skin, moaning out frantic encouragements.
A clatter made him jump out of his skin, his head shot to the side to see the
containers fall to the floor. No, no, not containers, plates. His stomach
revolted as the old smell of Chinese erupted over his senses, he pushed at
Negan, shoving him away. He scurried off the table, chest heaving as he spoke.
“Not here.”
Still confused Negan nodded, offering his hand out to Carl who took it
gratefully, letting the man pull him into a softer kiss. It helped to calm his
nerves even as Negan sent his heartrate rocketing with a firm grip on his hips.
“You alright?” The older man asked.
Carl nodded, hurriedly reaching up to drag the man down into another kiss, he
didn’t want to think about that momentary flicker of the past. It needed to
stay gone and it seemed like the only thing that would keep it away was Negan’s
hands on his body.
“C’mere.” Negan mumbled against his lips, dipping down to grab the back of
Carl’s thighs, hoisting him up against him, forcing his legs to cling around
Negan’s hips.
Taking advantage of the new proximity Carl wriggled against Negan, shifting his
hips to grind himself against the man, delighting in the almost-pained groans
from the other man. He was impressed when Negan managed to walk them up the
stairs uninterrupted, shivering at the show of strength from the man, grinding
harder against him as a reward.
He hardly noticed landing on the soft bed, only realising when Negan crawled
off of him, coming to stand at the end of the bed. His teeth tugged as his own
lip in an attempt to calm the ache surging between his legs at the sight of the
man slowly pulling off his belt, teasing Carl out of his mind when he took his
time removing his pants. Carl was quick with removing his, practically
scrambling out of them on the bed. Lust slammed into him at the hungry look on
Negan’s face, he took the opportunity to tease the man instead, propping
himself up on one elbow whilst his other hand slid down his body, grazing at a
pebbled nipple before it grasped his aching cock. Maintaining eye contact, he
pumped himself slowly, spreading his legs, thrusting his hips up into his hand
as soft moans fell from his lips, fully expecting Negan to throw himself on-top
of him and take over.
Much to Carl’s disappointment Negan didn’t rise to the bait, clearly the man
had more willpower than he thought. Instead he placed one knee on the bed,
crawling up, only stopping when he reached Carl’s splayed legs, lips coming
down to meet the curve of his knee. Carl’s hand slowed as Negan’s lips worked
their way up his leg, nipping along the soft, meaty flesh of his inner thigh.
His breath quickened the closer he got to the top, that devious tongue tracing
indistinguishable patterns on his skin. He had to take his hand off his cock,
his supporting arm too weak to continue on its own. All he could do was watch
that dark head work its way up his body, deliberately avoiding the place that
Carl desperately wanted him to lap at. Teeth nipped along his hips, quickly
followed by hands that massaged around to his ass, digging into the flesh
there.
It was a delectable torment, by the time Negan had made his way up to his lips
Carl was a trembling mess, practically begging him for more. The man had kept
himself hovering above Carl, never touching him enough to ease any of the ache
in his body. Carl tried to drag him down more, enticing him down with hot
kisses, harsh nips to his lips. It didn’t work. Negan just smirked down at him,
letting on hand trail a feather-light caress down his torso, watching the bumps
follow it down.
“Jesus, Carl the things I wanna do to you.”
“Then do them.” Carl pleaded, he was ready for anything that the man wanted to
give him.
Sharp teeth scraped over his collarbone, the pain lapped away with a wet tongue
that traced up to his racing pulse. “Mmm, damn you taste good. I wouldn’t even
know where to start with you Darlin’.”
Carl’s grabbed the hand that wasn’t brace above his head, pushing it towards
his cock. “That’s a really great place to start.”
Negan just chuckled against his neck, grabbing the hand that held his and
pushing it back up by Carl’s head. “You want me to touch your cock? Make you
come with my hand wrapped tight around you?”
“Mhm.” Carl emphasised with a frantic nod. “Please Negan.”
“Orr can I do more?” Negan nipped at his neck, plucking a nipple with his hand.
“I wanna taste you Carl, can I taste you?”
The desperate need inside of him grew at his words, more so at the thought of
Negan’s mouth wrapped around his dick. A brief flicker of doubt probed at him,
was he ready for that? Another big step in such a short space of time.  One
look in Negan’s eyes told him everything, he could do this, fuck he wanted to
do this. He so desperately wanted to feel the warm, wet heat of his mouth on
him. What surprised him was how desperately he wanted to do the same to Negan,
take him into his mouth until he came, gasping with pleasure, spurting down his
throat. His mouth practically watered at the thought.
“Yesss.” He eventually answered, the word turning into a sharp moan as Negan
quickly made his way south. Pausing at his chest to lather his nipples with an
intense attention that only had Carl anticipating his next moves all the more.
Their eyes locked as Negan finally reached his dick, giving it a few gentle
tugs, before lowering his mouth over it. Carl’s head flung back at the
sensation, back arching even as his hips were pinned to the bed, stopping him
from thrusting up in the heat.
“Oh god…oh…oh…Negan…yessss.” He panted out, moans falling freely the faster the
man worked his mouth on him. Taking him deep before pulling off him, swirling
his tongue around the head, dipping into the slit at the top just to tease Carl
before doing it all over again.
Carl really was delicious, not just in taste, the way he squirmed underneath
him was beyond tempting. Like a fuckin’ buffet splayed out before him, ready to
be eaten. He shifted his hands, moving a leg to rest over his shoulder, giving
him more access to the tight balls nestled under Carl’s dick. He lapped at each
one, taking his time teasing them as his tongue trickled lower, shifting Carl’s
hips up.
“Wh-oh…ohmygod…what are you doing?” Carl had shot up as his tongue edged closer
to his hole. His eyes widened in surprise when the tongue hadn’t stopped as his
balls, persisting onwards.
“I was gonna taste that sweet, little hole of yours.” Negan glanced up at him.
“Want me to stop?”
“No…I-I don’t know.” Carl admitted. Shane had never done thatbefore, it was new
territory. Nerves clustered in his belly, fighting the lust there. He couldn’t
deny the intrigue at the thought, the spark of need that hit him when he
thought about it. “Okay, just…go slow.”
Negan nodded back at him, reaching a hand up to squeeze Carl’s before it
returned to his ass, spreading him open. He did as told, slowly working his
tongue down again, keeping an eye out for any sign of distress on Carl’s face
as he worked his way around tightness there. His free hand reached up to tug
his cock again, working in-sync with his tongue to drive Carl crazy.
Carl’s moans reached a high squeal when he probed his tongue inside, hips
grinding down on the muscle, it felt so damn good. Even as it darted in and out
it rivalled the pleasure from the hand still pumping his dick. He was caught
between shoving his hips hip into the tight grip and down onto the wet muscle.
“Oh god…yesdon’t stop…please….God.” Carl begged and pleaded. Unable to stop the
words that filled the room. Heavy pants mixed with wet slurps that Carl would
never forget. A despairing cry left him when the all contact left his body, it
quickly turned into a moan of pleasure when that heat wrapped around his dick
again. Sucking hard as he took him deep into his throat. It was all too much
and not enough, the pleasure flinging him over the edge, spilling into the
mouth that just swallowed it all down.
He was breathless after, melted down into nothing, unable to move. Whimpering
softly as Negan’s mouth pulled off his sensitive flesh.
Negan knelt up, hand frantically tugging at his own dick at the sight of Carl,
flushed and covered in his own come. It was fuckin’ decadent . His moans echoed
in his ears, the breathy “Negan” that had fallen from his mouth when he’d come
nearly had him tipping over the edge. What actually finished him off was Carl
sitting up, breath just ghosting over the tip of his dick, looking up at him
with wide eyes instructing him to come on his face.
“Jesus…fuckin’… shit.” His body jerked, and tensed. Doing exactly what Carl had
said, spurting pearly white cum over his face, landing in streaks over his
cheeks and lips. His heart nearly gave in when he saw that pink tongue slip out
to lap at the come on his lip. He slammed his lips down on him, tasting himself
in that mouth. The kid really was gonna be the fuckin’ death of him.
***********
Carl could hardly look his Father in the eye when he arrived back home that
evening, almost certain that if he did the man would know exactlywhat he’d been
up to. It was certainly unprecedented, an insightful view into just how dirty
Negan was, a teasing preview of all the things to come. A regretful pang hit
him as he realised they didn’t have a lot of time to fully explore that before
he left.
“How was Negan?” Rick asked, sitting in the chair opposite him.
“Good…good…” He stammered out. Jesus, Carl, mind out of gutter. “He um…actually
offered to help with the whole open day thing. Said he’d accompany me up
there.”
Rick froze, then laughed, a deep, almost hysterical laugh. “I bet he did.
There’s no chance of that happening Carl.”
“Why not? I need to go Dad, it’s the best time to visit and you know it. He
used to live there, he knows the place better than anyone, it makes sense.”
“No, Carl. I’m not having you traipse off with your school coach for a trip.”
“Dad, c’mon we’ll have separate hotel rooms, hell, we’ll stay in separate
hotels if that makes you feel better.”
“It’s not appropriate, what if you get caught together?”
“We won’t because nothing will happen. He’ll just be on the plane with me and
drop me off at the college, that’s all.”
“Carl-“
“Dad, please, I really need to go. I wanna see the place I’m moving to before I
go.”
“And you will, when we go up there this summer. End of discussion.”
Carl glared at him before storming off up the stairs, his Dad could be an
unreasonable ass sometimes.
Leaving Rick to sit, stunned, on the couch, when had his damn life got so
complicated? Since when did he have to feel bad that he wasn’t letting his Son
go off with a guy that was old enough to be his father? He shook his head,
pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to ward off the headache crawling
over him.
A knock at the door shifted him from the couch, he’d almost forgotten about
Daryl, they’d replaced their usual poker night for a quiet beer at Rick’s. It
had been Daryl’s idea, he felt bad about making him drive all the way over
after he’d been working so much. He’d been so relieved when Daryl had suggested
it, he wanted to see theman but he was too damn tired to do much more than sit
and relax.
Their relationship wasn’t like anything he’d known before, nothing like the
terse, competitive friendship he’d shared with Shane. As much as the thought
made him sick now, there had been such an intense love there, yet it had always
been all or nothing with the pair of them. One of them had to break for the
other all the time, it was a constant battle of the wills, a fight of who could
get one over the other. It was like that with work, girls, hell even with Carl
,they would constantly fight for his affections. Each trying to outdo the
other. It had been exhausting and had left him with nothing but the burned
remains of who he used to be. It had destroyed him, his family, nearly wrecked
his career at times.
Daryl was entirely different, he was different when he was with him. It was
carefree, not that anarchist teenager freedom but like a bird taking flight.
Calm and steady against the wind, he relaxed whenever he was around him, lulled
by his low, rough voice. There was no pressure, just conversations that flowed
from one topic to the next. They both had their demons, issues that they’d only
scratched at the surface during their talks but neither let them plague their
friendship. It was just fun, and refreshing. Daryl made him feel more human
again, balanced his soul out.
Just seeing him on the other side of the door forced a grin on his face, he
gestured for the man to come in, grabbing a couple of beers from the kitchen
before he joined him on the couch. Mindless chatter distracted Rick from the
moody teenager upstairs, he hated it when they argued, especially given the
progress they’d made in the recent months. Even with the distraction he wanted
nothing more than to run upstairs and talk with Carl, make him see that he
wasn’t trying to be an awful father, nor was he trying to keep him away from
Negan because of fun.
Their relationship…it just wasn’t healthy, not just because of the age gap, not
even because of Negan’s position at the school. Neither of them seemed in the
right place for it, Negan clearly had his issues just as Rick had, and Carl…
Carl needed to be a damn teenager. No one should have to deal with the shit
that Carl dealt with, he had to grow up quicker, deal with things on his own
that never should have been a possibility. Rick just wanted Carl to go out and
have fun, see the world, not be stuck in a crappy town because of a guy.
“Okay, what’s up with you?” Daryl’s voice poked through the thoughts clouding
his mind.
“Huh? Oh, nothin’ just thinkin’.”
“About?”
Rick sighed, he and Daryl had never really spoken about Carl, his instincts
always seemed to be geared towards protecting everything about his Son. “It’s
about Carl.”
“Okay, he alrigh’?”
“Yeah, just pissed with me.”
“What did you do?”
“It’s complicated.” Rick rubbed at his forehead, that headache creeping back
over him. “He’s seein’ someone right now, someone not exactly appropriate.”
“Right, and you wanna stop them seein’ each other?”
“Not exactly.” Rick didn’t know what he damn well wanted when it came to Carl
and Negan. “This person wants to take Carl to visit the college he got into as
I can’t go. I don’t want him to.”
“Why not?”
“Because…I don’t know because I don’t want Carl gettin’ too close to them
before college. I don’t want anything jeopardising him going.”
“Well maybe you stopping him from seeing the place will do that? Maybe it’s
better that he goes to see the place, even if he’s going with this person.”
Daryl had a point. He couldn’t even guarantee that he’d be able to take Carl up
there later in the year, not with all the shit going on at work.
“He’s a clever kid, Rick. He’s not gonna miss out on his future just because of
a relationship. Trust him.”
“Yea’ just wish it was easier. I just keep remembering all the times he’s lied,
not that it’s his fault that he did I just can’t help but wonder what he else
he might keep from me.”
“You just gotta trust that things are different now. I don’t know exactly what
you guys went through, but it seems like you guys are pretty close. I’m sure
he’s over lying to you.”
“Yeah, I hope so.” Rick tapped the bottle of beer nervously. “He ever talk to
you about what happened?”
Daryl shifted uncomfortably. “Not really, just that something happened, kinda
messed with his head for a while.”
Rick nodded, he hadn’t told him much. It stung at him to have a part of his
life that he couldn’t share with Daryl. Such a significant moment in his life
that he’d have to keep to himself until the day he died, not just to protect
himself but for Carl, and for Negan. The reminder of just what Negan had been
prepared to do for his Son was a reluctant reminder that the man wasn’t a total
monster, at least not where Carl was concerned. He seemed to love him almost as
much as Rick did. All the more reason that Carl should leave, he was far too
young to be that involved with someone. “Yeah, things happened.”
Daryl just took another sip of his beer, waiting for Rick to figure out
whatever was spiralling around in his mind.
“You mind if I go talk to him? I won’t be long.”
“Course, I’ll be down here with the TV.”
Rick gave him a grateful smile, before scampering up the stairs.
A grunt was the only response when he knocked on the door. Rick rolled his
eyes, issues aside, Carl was still more of a teenager than he thought he was.
“Can I come in?”
“Whatever.”
Okay, so it was gonna be like that. Rick braced himself before entering,
preparing himself for the backtracking he was gonna have to do. Carl was
sprawled out on his bed, playing what looked like a game on his phone. He
pulled over the desk chair, seating himself on it. “You can go to Seattle with
Negan.” Jesus, that hurt to say but the glow on Carl’s face made it slightly
better.
“Really?”
“Yep, with a few ground rules of course.”
“Of course.” Carl nodded, eyes wide with excitement.
Naturally he was more than cooperative now he’d gotten his own way, Rick
thought. “No way are you two sharing a hotel room, that’s pretty obvious. No
going out late at night whilst you’re out there, even with Negan, and if you
need me to come get you then you just say the words Carl.”
“I’ll be fine Dad, it’s just a couple of days, you’ll hardly notice that I’m
gone.”
“I will, I’ll be phoning you every damn second of the day to make sure you’re
alright.” A slight exaggeration but it got his point across.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Carl smiled at him, eyes creasing with the
joy. “Thanks Dad. I can’t wait to see the place.”
“Well, I can’t wait to hear about it.” Rick reached over and ruffled his Son’s
hair. “I’m gonna head back downstairs, join us if you want?”
Carl gave him a weird laugh. “Yeah, like I wanna interrupt that.”
The teen had turned over, shoving his headphones in his ears before Rick could
ask him exactly what he meant by that. Shaking his head he turned to head back
downstairs. Teenagers could really be fuckin’ weird at times.
Rick didn’t notice the teen creep downstairs later that evening, didn’t see him
standing over him and Daryl. He’d fallen asleep during one of the shows Daryl
had put on, head slumping down onto the other man’s shoulder.
Carl didn’t realise that Daryl was still awake, too distracted by the sight of
pair on the couch. It was strange seeing his Dad like that, so relaxed with
someone that wasn’t his Mom. His eyes met Daryl’s when his gaze reached his
face.
“Your Dad fell asleep.”
“I can see that.” Carl replied.
“I better go, wanna help me move him?”
“Nah, it’s fine, stay. Unless you’ve got somewhere else to be?”
“No, I’m good.”
Carl forced a smile for him, it was weird, the whole moment was just plain
weird. “I’m gonna head back to bed.” He turned and headed back towards the
stairs, pausing a moment, before turning to face Daryl again. “Thanks… for
whatever you said to my Dad. I appreciate it.”
“Anytime.”
Carl nodded awkwardly, spinning around again to race up the stairs. Really
fucking weird.
***********
Carl was a bundle of excitement in the following weeks, hardly able to go about
his day without mentioning his impending trip. It wasn’t just the thought of
spending two whole days alone with Negan that had his stomach flipping and his
heart skipping, it was the opportunity to finally see the college he’d been
thinking about for so long. To be able to see where he’d be spending the next
few years, to meet the people he was going to be spending those years with one
way or another.
A secret part of him was just excited to see another part of Negan’s past, to
see the place that had shaped him, where he’d set up roots. Negan hadn’t said
much about the trip, beyond dealing with Carl’s childlike excitement about
going. He certainly hadn’t mentioned potentially seeing any old friends, Carl
wondered if he ever thought about seeing if his ex-wife was in town. He always
shoved that thought aside, it was bad enough when the thoughts of Negan meeting
someone when he was at college fell into his mind. He tried not to think about
that, the thought sent his blood boiling in a jealous rage before it settled
into an ice-cold despair that Negan might actually fall in love with someone
that wasn’t him. That maybe he’d get over him, out of sight, out of mind and
all that.
Those thoughts were harder to dispel and usually resulted in some kind of trip
to see Negan, pushing the thoughts away with more desperate kisses and orgasms
and sent his mind into a blissful oblivion.
Negan seemed just as desperate as he was, every now and again he’d call Carl
into his office just to send him away again when he couldn’t keep his distance
from the teen. It was becoming increasingly difficult being at school together,
they seemed to gravitate directly towards one another, bumping into each other
in the corridors, gaze locking in assemblies. Carl would catch him staring at
him in gym class, making excuses to go into the cupboard just to see him in the
gymnasium. Almost as much as Carl spent his classes watching out the window,
hoping to get a glimpse of the man.
Things had gotten too much one afternoon, Carl had gone to the office after a
late study session with Enid, hoping to say goodbye to the man and had walked
right in on him changing after work. The sight of his sculpted torso, those
damn tattoos, had Carl closing the blinds and locking the door. Practically
jumping on Negan as they met in the centre of the room, he’d been shoved onto
the desk, papers falling to the floor as they tugged at belts and zippers. The
dark thrill of getting caught sent Carl soaring over the edge with an orgasm
that kept him limp for several minutes afterwards. Laughing with Negan at their
pathetically desperate actions.
Not that it was all smooth sailing between them, the stress over their
impending separation had driven Carl’s anxiety up the wall. It made it all the
harder to control the flashbacks when it hit, one particular instance where
Negan’s finger had trailed over his entrance as he’d gone down on him had Carl
screeching at him before he ran from the room. It had taken more time than
usual to calm himself, the sharp memories of all the times Shane had forced
himself inside of him sent ghosting ricochets of pain through his body.
His time with Negan was entirely paradoxical, either fantastic or bad. They
argued more, their own demons snapping at their heels, making them snap at each
other. Lashing their anger on the other instead of directing it at themselves
where they really wanted to hurt. It all came to a head one night when they’d
been bickering about how to get to the airport next week, such a stupid
argument that had escalated into a full-on raging argument.
“You did this!” Carl practically screamedat him. “You made this fucking
happen.”
“I did this? No, Carl no fuckin’ way are you blaming me for this shit!”
They were standing off in front of the couches in Negan’s cabin, standing on
opposing sides of the coffee table.
“So what? It’s my fault? I didn’t decide that we should break up! You did that
all on your damn own. Sat there on that damn couch whilst I was sleeping, you
made that choice.”
“You agreed that it was the right thing to do.”
“Only because you put the idea in my head.”
Negan scoffed at that. “Fuckin’ bullshit Carl, you’re a fucking adult you can
make your own damn mind up. We both decided it’s the right thing to do.”
“Is it? Or is it just so you can go off and fuck whoever you want to?” It was
all coming out now, all of the insecurities that he’d been trying to ignore.
Everytime he’d kissed Negan, allowed him to reach down into his pants, he’d
pushed away the thoughts that maybe Negan truly wanted to break up with him.
That maybe this whole thing was just a damn fucking excuse for Negan to leave
without feeling like a villain. Without breaking the heart of someone already
so broken.
Negan visibly recoiled, hurt etched onto his face. “Is that what you think?
That I’m what? Just itching to go out a fuck someone else?”
“Are you?” Carl couldn’t stop now that he’d started.
“Of course not, if I wanted to go out and screw someone I’d been fuckin’ balls
deep in them right now instead of having this argument with you.”
“Oh well, I’m sorry for keeping you away from that.” Sarcasm dripped from his
words.
“That’s not what I fuckin’ meant and you damn well know it.” Negan ground out.
“I’m here for you. Because I love you because I want to spend every damn moment
with you before you leave. That’s what it is Carl, you are leaving me.Not the
other way around. Damn, I don’t blame you for that and I want you to go out
there and see the world, experience all the good shit that I got to but don’t
you fuckin’ blame me for this whole damn mess.”
The anger melted away at his words, giving way to the sadness that had been
hiding away since he'd receive that damn letter. Tears burned at his eyes, pain
tore at his chest like a blade striping through his skin. “I wish I didn’t want
to go. I want to stay with you but I need to go.”
Negan bridged the gap between them, cupping Carl’s face in his hands. “I know,
it’s alright.”
“No it’s not.” Carl sniffed. “It’s not fair. I finally find some happiness and
things get fucked up again. It’s not fair.” He never wanted it to be like this,
he didn’t want the pain anymore.
He hushed him again, bringing their foreheads together. “We still have that,
we’ll always have that but your happiness? That doesn’t end with me, or your
Dad, or this godforsaken town. You’ll find it wherever you go, it’s not the end
Carl, it’s just the start.”
Carl knew he was right. He wanted to keep fighting, wanted to scream and shout
about how they should be together. Selfishness warring with the truth that they
couldn’t keep this up, not whilst he was away. It’d drive them both into
madness. “I don’t want to think about a life without you.”
“You don’t have to, I’ll always be here, just a phone call away.” He tried to
reassure Carl with a smile, it was a weak promise, who knew what could fucking
happen in the future. It was no more certain than whoever would win the Super
Bowl. Life brought them together, letting them find each other in the evils of
the world, bringing the spark back for the pair of them. It could just as
easily strip it away, coat them in the black tar that would drag them down to
their end.

***** The Emerald City *****
Chapter Notes
     Ummmm... so all I can say is I'm so so sorry that it took so long to
     update! My new job's been a bit more intense than I thought it would
     be so I've been doing a lot of studying than I thought I'd have to.
     Then this chapter totally kicked my ass, I must have written about 5
     or 6 versions of this before I finally picked the right tone. I just
     wanted this one to be perfect for reasons fairly obvious when you've
     read it.
     This chapter is very self-indulgent, a lot of it was inspired by my
     own time in Seattle, only without Negan. The picture below is the
     view that the two look at, which will make sense later in the fic It
     doesn't do the view justice but it was a sight that I'd never forget.
     Thank you so much for sticking with me! I really hope the chapter was
     worth the wait.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                    "All these voices in my head get loud 
                      I wish that I could shut them out "
                             - NF (Let You Down)
                                        
===============================================================================
                                        
                                    May_2018
He could hardly breathe, his hair clung to his face, pricking his nose with
each inhale, getting lost in his mouth, practically choking him and he was hot…
too hot… sweating even without clothes. He couldn't speak, his tongue too dry,
his throat raw, the metallic taste of blood lingered at the back of it. It was
impossible to tell where it came from, his split lip where he’d been punched?
His throat from all the screams that had been torn out of him?
 More pain shot through him, strands of hair ripping out of his scalp as his
head was forced backwards, the hand pinning down his hands caused his neck to
arch back unnaturally, keeping him pinned down, bent forward. Even the soft
mattress under him failed to offer any relief from the aching pain bolting
around his body.
“Tell me you want it.” It breathed more heat in his ear.
“I don-AH.” The hand twisted his hair tighter.
“Tell. Me.”
“N-“ The ‘no’ caught in his throat, whipped away by a pained gasp as his body
was forced open. “N-AH, s-sto-“ Stopstopstopstopstop please stop.
It pulled out and he was shoved onto his back, legs pushed apart, his arms
crossed over his face automatically, he didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to
see any of it. He wasn’t lucky. Almost immediately they were pinned down over
his head, one hand gripped painfully at his throat, nails dug their marks into
the skin there.
“Look at me.” The voice rasped.
He didn’t.
The grip grew tighter, his head felt full, and he was still so hot.
“Look at me or it’s gonna get a lot worse baby.”
He didn’t. He couldn’t.
“Fine. Have it your way.”
Then came the pain again. A roaring fire that burnt every nerve. He was too
hot. He was gonna burn, this whole shit was gonna burn him. This was it, this
is how he’d die, burned and suffocated by the monster.
The room slammed into focus when he sat up, panting hard, trying to bring some
damn oxygen back into his body. It wouldn’t come, with each heaving breath his
chest just tightened, invisible hands still clutched at his throat. He
scrambled out of bed, practically falling to the floor on shaking legs. He
stumbled over to the bathroom, flicking the lock, before stripping out of his
sweat-soaked clothes and falling into the shower.
He wasn’t there. It wasn’treal.
Ice cold water shot out of the showerhead, instantly cooling him down. He tried
to breathe again, used the almost-painful feeling of the water hitting his skin
to bring himself back.
“Have it your way.”  He shivered, teeth chattering. His eyes squeezed shut,
guarding against the memories rushing through his mind, the ones that wanted to
drag him back down to that darkness. A sob erupted out of him, he wanted it
gone, he didn’t want to remember any of it. His knees gave, the tiles
scratching against his skin as he slid to the floor. He buried his face in his
knees, arms curling around them, keeping them close. The nightmares had been
getting worse, more real, more persistent. Most nights he woke up in a pool of
his own sweat, heart racing, still hearing that voice rasping into his ear. He
just wanted it to stop. He didn’t want to be awoken in the early hours of the
morning, forced out of bed in fear of a fucking memory. He didn’t want the
restless nights, nor the struggle to fall asleep, paranoid that once more he’d
be forced to revisit the memory of his abuse.
Knock knock.
His eyes darted to the door, he’d locked it, right? He curled tighter around
himself, no one could hurt him, not in his shower. He’d be fine, right?
“Carl? You alright?”
He relaxed at the voice. “Yeah Dad, I’ll be out in a minute.”

Rick didn’t respond immediately. Carl wondered if he’d gone back to bed before
a reply came. “Alright, don’t use up all the hot water, I wanna shower before
we head out.”
“Y-yeah, no problem.” He reached up and flicked the water off, it had done its
job, cooled him enough to make him feel like he wasn’t about to burst into
flames. Taking several deep breaths, he stood, bracing against the wall, his
legs still felt like jelly, he briefly wondered if he’d be able to walk back to
his room. He had to leave, his Dad had to shower and he had to pull himself
together before they left. He took a shaky step out of the shower, relieved
when he didn’t immediately collapse to the floor. He felt exhausted, like he’d
run a marathon in an hour. Those moments always took everything out of him,
leaving him sick and weak, every breath felt like an extreme effort. It was his
darkest time, the time when those defeated thoughts came back to haunt his
mind, when life felt too hard to possibly keep going. He wondered if they’d
ever go away.
Trembling hands picked up his pjs, shoving himself back into them, grimacing as
the now-cold sweat plastered itself to his skin. At least they were dark so his
Dad wouldn’t notice the stains, the last thing he wanted was questions from the
man that he couldn’t answer.

He had his ideas about why the nightmares had started up again so ferociously,
probably all the stress with moving and Negan… Things still weren’t right
between them, they tried to be normal, both too stubborn to admit the pain that
they were both inevitably feeling. He just hoped they’d find a way out of this
hell before they both burned.

***********
“No sex. Absolutely no sex. I swear to God, if I find out that you’ve put so
much as a finger where it shouldn’t be I will string you up by your balls and
shoot you in the damn head.”

Carl couldn't be more mortified than he was in that moment, he gave joking
smiles to the passersby who looked appalled when they picked up on the
conversation being had. If his Dad had to do this why couldn't he have done it
in the damn car? At least Negan had the sense to look scared at his Father’s
words, then again if he were to be confronted with the Rick Grimes Death Stare
he’d be looking that way too.
“Of course Ri-” The glare intensified. “-Sir, Sir. Absolutely no touching. I
promise.”

“You better, cos if something happens I’ll find out.”
“Nothing will happen. I’ll drop him off at his room, make sure he’s safe then
walk back to my own.”
“You definitely booked two rooms?”
“Yes.”

“Show me-”
Carl rolled his eyes, finally interjecting into the conversation. “Dad, we
don’t have time for this, we gotta catch out flight.”

“Just makin’ sure you’ll be safe Carl.”
“I’ll be fine. We gotta go. Bye.” He’d intended on giving his Dad a quick hug
before darting off, that soon changed when Rick practically suffocated him with
his arms.
“Just be safe, I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” His words were muffled by his Dad’s shoulder, he rubbed
his back hoping to reassure him. “You gotta let me go.”

“Right yeah, I’ll be here to pick you up.”
Carl gave him a quick wave, turning to follow Negan through departures. “You
don’t have to carry my bag y’know?”

“It’s fine, gotta take care of you remember.”

“Oh yeah because my bag’s gonna cause so much damage.”

“Pft, I’m not takin’ any risks, not with your Dad lurking around.”
“Sorry about that.” Carl sheepishly added. “Didn’t expect him to get so…”
“Understandably protective?” Negan finished. “It’s alright, I get it.”
They walked to the plane in silence, Carl glaring at the Flight Attendant who
seemed particularly enthusiastic in her greeting to Negan, completely blanking
him. Negan was his. Not for long his mind reminded him. He scowled at that, it
didn’t matter, right here and now Negan was his, not for some girl to hit on.
At least Negan didn’t seem bothered by it, only smiling kindly before heading
down to their seats. Carl was grateful that it was a quiet flight, he and Negan
had the aisle to themselves. Negan had let him have the window seat, he loved
watching the clouds out of the window, it reminded him of being a kid on the
way to Florida for his holidays. A much simpler time.

“You alright?” Negan asked.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m good.”
“You look tired.”
A soft hand pushed the hair from his face, warm eyes searched over his face, so
obviously taking in the dark bags under his eyes. “Just haven’t slept much
recently.” Carl admitted.
“How come?”

“Just… I don’t know.”
“Worrying?” Negan offered.
“Yeah… it… um… gives me nightmares.”

“About Shane?” Negan whispered, almost reluctant to bring up that bastard's
name.
Carl nodded.
“What’re you worrying about.”
“Everything. Leaving…” He hesitated, he couldn’t say what he wanted to say,
that leaving Negan was stressing him out above all, that the pain and anger
from their frustrating situation forced him into a restless sleep. He didn’t
want to lay that on the man, not when they finally had the opportunity to have
a couple of days together. “Leaving my Dad. I always figured when I went to
college he’d have Mom with him so he wouldn't be alone. I always thought… I
always thought they’d have another kid y’know? Someone else to focus on, now
it's just Dad.”
“You never know Carl, he and your Mom might work things out. Weirder things
have happened.”

Carl shook his head sadly. “Nah, too much has been said and done. They were on
the edge as it was, then the whole Shane thing… it ruined them. I don’t think
Dad can even stand to be in the same room with her.”

Negan sighed at that. “Marriage is a damn hard thing, sometimes two people just
aren’t meant to be together.”
Like us? Carl wanted to ask, he wondered if they fit into that category. He
didn’t want to believe that the world could be so cruel as to bring them
together, to allow them such bliss, only to take it away.
But the world was cruel, and unfair, he knew that more than anyone. Anytime you
got your footing the world would sweep out from under you, leaving you
scrambling for some semblance of normality in the midst of chaos. Everything in
the world told them not to be together, even after he graduated their
relationship would have to be kept a secret, he didn’t want to risk people
thinking it had started before he’d graduated. Then he’d be off to college and
they’d be over. After that, if Negan still wanted to be with him, they’d still
face the never-ending disapproval about the age difference. In a town like his
that shit would spread like a wildfire, and people loved to judge, they had
nothing better to do.
Yet, they felt right. Negan felt right, all the cheesy shit about soulmates
suddenly made sense when he’d met the man. Like he’d found another part of
himself, like a puzzle piece that he didn’t even know was missing. The world
was a damn confusing place but Negan was the one thing that made sense.

“... it’s a shame really, you’d have been a great brother.”
Carl hadn’t even noticed that Negan was still talking. “Yeah?” He asked,
snapping back to their conversation.
Negan smiled, like he was picturing it in his head. Carl wished he could see
what he was seeing. “Yeah, that kid never would’ve wanted for anything, would
never have been so loved or protected.”
Carl swallowed the lump in his throat, he’d never really thought too much about
a sibling since his parents divorced. Negan’s words brought home the reality
that said child would never exist, that he’d never have that chance to be a
brother. It was an oddly emotional thought, he’d never realised how much he’d
wanted it.
Negan stroked his cheek again, wiping away a tear that Carl didn’t know had
escaped. “M’sorry, didn’t mean to upset you.”
He sniffed back the rest of the tears. “It’s fine, it’s a weird time and I’m
tired.”
“C’mere.” Negan shoved up the armrest in between them, curling his arm around
Carl’s waist to pull him against his chest. “Sleep, it’s a long enough flight,
get some rest.”
Carl nodded, curling in on the man, hand clutching at his shirt. He breathed
him in, letting the familiar scent comfort him. He fell asleep listening to the
man breathing, hoping that the nightmares would stay away this time.
**********
The next thing he knew Negan was nudging him awake and they were landing in the
city that would soon be his new home. As they sped through the city on their
way to the hotel, Carl finally felt the stirrings of excitement bubble in his
stomach. Negan had insisted on renting a car instead of relying on public
transport, now Carl understood why. The man took him on the scenic route,
showing him the best sights in the city before re-routing back to the hotel. It
was gorgeous, greenery everywhere that made the city seem more like his home.
The trip made even more spectacular by Negan’s running commentary about his
adventures in the city, “That’s where I beat up a guy.”, “I got busted for
being drunk there.” followed quickly by “Ooh now that is where I hooked up with
my first girlfriend.”
Carl rolled his eyes at that last one. He really didn’t need the mental image
of Negan screwing someone else, it was bad enough worrying about who he might
hook up with in the future, he didn’t need to think about the past as well.
Still, he loved sharing in Negan’s past, the past without the ex-girlfriends,
he loved seeing where he used to hang, where he grew up, it was a glimpse into
another world, a reminder that they’d both had a life before they’d met.

Negan had booked them into his favorite hotel, a place he used to stay at if he
didn’t want to head home after a game. It was right by the waterfront, their
room had the most beautiful view of the water with the ferries. The best part
was the grand bed that dominated the room, it looked so damn comfy Carl nearly
threw his plans to hell and jumped onto it. Negan didn’t help with his seedy
suggestion that they just spend the rest of the day in it. Clearly his Father’s
warning hadn't had too much of an influence on him.
Carl held firm, even as sweet lips trailed decadent patterns on his neck. He
hadn’t come all this way just to spend it in bed, no matter how tempting that
bed was. So he dragged Negan out with promises of all the things he’d do to him
in that bed after he’d visited the college.
The college had a whole day of lectures and tours that he’d have to attend, no
parents/visitors allowed, he’d have to face it all on his own. Just as he would
in a few months when he made the move permanent. Nonetheless, Negan had
insisted that he escort him onto campus so he didn’t get lost and Carl had been
more than thankful to have a hand to hold.
The campus was as beautiful as the brochures, and Negan, had made out. His
breath actually caught in his throat when he saw the view of Mount Rainier from
the campus square, the snow covered mountain hoovered, almost floating in the
clouds, in the background, tucked away by the fountain that shot water into the
sky. He stopped, stood frozen in that moment, stumped by the view that didn’t
seem real.
“You never get used to it.” Negan spoke softly, standing beside him. “Four
years as a student, helluva lot more than that as a Coach and I never stopped
losing my breath when I saw it.”

“It’s… God, Negan, it’s amazing.”
“Yeah, even more beautiful at dusk, it practically glows.”
Negan let him stand for another few moments, giving him enough time to make a
promise to himself to visit the mountain when he moved. At least he’d have
something to do that didn’t involve wallowing in his own self-pity. Eventually
Negan nudged him, urging him onwards, taking him to the room where he’d have to
leave him.
“You gonna be alright?” Negan asked as they stood in the bustling room. Parents
fussing over their children, name tags frantically being applied as they looked
over the schedule for the day. For a bitter moment he resented his parents not
being there, that this day wasn’t a normal one for him. As grateful as he was
for Negan being there and as glad as he was that he finally got to spend some
alone time with him, it was another reminder of his abnormality. That he
couldn’t even get his parents to come with him to something like this.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“Good, and I’m only a phone call away if you need me.”
“I know.”
“Alright, I’ll be back here at 5 then.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“Sleep, catch up with some old friends if they’re in town.”
“Oh…”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Yeah.”
Negan desperately wanted to kiss him, give him some sort of reassurance to help
calm the nerves that were radiating off his body. He didn’t want to alienate
him though, didn’t want him dealing with stupid comments from the other
students. So he just clapped a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it softly,
hoping Carl realised what he was trying to do. All he got was a weak smile in
return, one that sent a tinge to his heart. He fucking hated this. Just as he
was about to speak again one of the faculty spoke, rounding the students up. So
he smiled back at him, stepping away to let him disappear into the crowd.
***********
Negan had hoped that the extra sleep might help, he hadn’t rested on the plane,
too worried about Carl to let himself fall asleep. His irrational side thought
if he slept then he wouldn’t be able to protect Carl from his nightmares.
Fucking stupid idiot.
He managed to crash as soon as he hit the sheets, yet when he awoke he was just
as agitated as when he’d fallen asleep. The constant nerves buzzed in his
stomach, his thoughts were a swirling mess in his head. Too many to fucking
focus on anything. So he grabbed his coat and hit the streets, as warm as the
day was he wasn’t leaving without his leather jacket, couldn’t ruin his look
not when he was in his hometown. He strode through the familiar streets,
basking in the bustle of the city. He’d fucking missed the noise. It was too
quiet in his cabin at times, too lonely when Carl wasn’t around which meant
there was too much time to think about shit that he wanted to avoid. That never
happened in the city, there was always something to do, always a bar to sit in
and get completely fucked. He was heading to his favorite one now, the one
tucked away in the depths of the city. Not many people knew about it, but the
ones who did were extremely loyal, most chose the place because people didn’t
know about it. It was the perfect bar to get lost in because everyone knew
better than to ask damn questions.
‘Dwight’s’ the old sign looked even more haggard than he’d remembered. The
namesake clearly hadn’t been bothered to sort it out, then again he didn’t need
to try and lure new customers in, so what was the point? The place was closed,
understandably at this hour, the door bolted, the dusty windows covered with
even dustier blinds. He peaked through the door windows, trying to get a
glimpse of the interior but all he could see was the hint of chairs on tables
through the clouded glass.
No sign of any life. Fuckin’ shit. He let his frustration out on the door,
banging so hard the glass rattled. He was grateful that the streets were quiet
around here, the last thing he needed was people staring at him as he tried to
get the owner's attention. After several minutes of pounding the door so hard
that he was certain it was about to fall off, the owner appeared in the glass.
Negan could hear the croaky voice swearing through the wood, at least some
things never changed.
“And just what the FUCK do you think you-” The blond bar-owner paused, halted
in mid sentence when he saw exactly who had caused all the noise. “Negan?”
“The one and only.” Negan couldn't stop the damn cocky grin spread over his
face. It was too easy to slip back into his old self when he was around Dwight.
“You miss me?”
“You absolutely fuckin’ bastard.” Anger curled his lip, making him the
disfigured face look even more terrifying. Then just as quickly the anger
dissipated and a matching grin twisted his features once more, voice turning
more indulgent. “You absolute fuckin’ bastard.”
Just like that Negan was hauled into a brotherly hug, hands clapping at back as
they basked in their reunion.
“C’mon, get your ass in here.” Dwight stepped back to allow Negan to slip past
the threshold, slamming and bolting the door behind him. He headed over to the
bar, throwing a question over his shoulder. “You want a drink?”
Pulling down a couple of chairs from the tables, Negan replied. “Just a beer.”
He shucked of his jacket before slumping into the wooden chair, wincing as it
creaked under his weight. Dwight really needed to get new fuckin’ furniture.

“Beer? What’s up with you? You haven’t drunk beer since fucking college.”
Nonetheless Dwight pop the cap off two bottles, slipping them onto the table as
he sat.
“Just fancied a change from the usual.” He took a sip, suddenly reminded
exactly why he hadn’t drunk this shit since college. It was fucking awful.
“Whisky no good anymore?”

“Tryna cut back.”
“What’s brought that on?”
Negan sighed, a question that could lead into so many other questions. “Just
usual shit, y’know?”
“Not really.” Dwight said, blunt as ever, it was what Negan loved so much about
the man. “So what happened?”

“With what?”
“Everything. I mean, shit, Negan it’s been like 5 months since I last heard
from you then you come back banging on my door.”
“Sorry about that.”
“The door or not talking to me?”
“Both.” He hadn’t realised it had been so damn long. So much shit had happened
in the last few months, he’d lost track of time. He didn’t even know how he
could ever explain it, it hardly felt real to himself let alone to Dwight.

“So are you gonna talk to me now? You’re way too damn buzzed for this to be a
fun social visit.”

The guy knew him too well. An instinct that came from far too many years of
friendship. He and Dwight met at college, they’d been roomed together in their
first year and they’d hardly been apart since. They’d join the fraternity
together, had been the only fuckers in the place that actually cared about
their education as much as their partying. Dwight had been his best man when
he’d married Lucille, and he’d been Dwight's when he’d married Sherry. There
were no secrets between them, no judgement. Dwight had been there through all
the shit with Lucille, had been the one to give him a place to stay when he had
nowhere. He’d been the one that had supported him when he’d decided to move,
had been the family that he’d needed. Which is why he was so fucking terrified
of telling him the truth, he knew there’d be no judgement, but he also knew
there’d probably be disappointment.
“Negan, c’mon.” Dwight prodded.
Negan threw back the rest of the beer, grimacing once more as the liquid made
it’s way down his throat. “I fucked up Dwight, I really fucked up.”
To his credit Dwight just sat there, listened, asked a couple of questions but
let Negan talk. Let him reveal everything about his relationship with Carl,
gave him another beer when the shit got too much for him and he needed to stop.
The only thing he missed out was what eventually happened to Shane, and Rick’s
involvement, as much as he trusted Dwight he didn’t want to break his promise
to Rick. He couldn’t risk anything hurting Carl.
“...so I fucked it up. Instead of reassuring him that everything would be fine,
I decided to break his fuckin’ heart and broke up with him. I mean, he agreed
so maybe that’s what he wanted. If he doesn’t now then he will in the future,
I’m too old for him, I’d just hold him back. Anyways, things haven’t been the
same since, we fight, or we deny it all and pretend everything’s fine which is
more fucked up than the fighting. Now he’s off on campus, probably falling in
love with the place and I’m sat here almost hoping he fucking hates it just so
he won’t leave me.”
Dwight sat for a moment, pensive, before he took a big gulp of his beer.
“You’re an absolute fucking idiot Negan. I mean there’s stupid shit and then
there’s this.”
“I know, he’s my studen-”
“-no not that you idiot. I don’t give a fuck that he’s your student. If it is
like you’ve said, it sounds like he made up his own mind falling in love with
your dumb ass. At least you’re not his actual teacher, that would be more
fucked up. No, what’s really messed up is you being a fucking prick and making
a decision to break up without even talkingto him about it.”
“Hey, we did talk and he agreed-”
“Did you talk before or after you said that you should break up? Did you ask
him first what he wanted?”
“Well, no bu-”
“There you fucking go then. Did you ever think he agreed because he thought
that’s what you wanted?”
“It doesn’t fucking matter Dwight, even if he wants to be together now then
he’ll change his mind when he gets here and I don’t want him forcing himself to
be with me just because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

“That’s fucking bullshit. Even if by some crazy chance that did happen, don’t
you think that it’s his choice to make? You fucked up, not because you broke up
with him but because you took that choice away from him. After all the shit
you’ve told me he’s been through how on earth could you possibly think that
it’s alright to do that?”
“I’m trying to protect him.” Negan defended, it was all he wanted to do. 

“I get it, I do but how about you let him protect himself? Jesus, Negan, if he
wants to be with you then why not allow it? Sure, long-distance is fucking hard
but if it makes you happy, even for those brief moments when you’re together
surely it’s worth giving it a go?”
“It’s not that simple, you know how I get.”

“You got jealous with Lucille, that’s fucking different, things were shit
between you two. You were considering cheating so of course you’d think she was
too. If you trust Carl as much as you seem to, then trust him to not stray,
trust him to tell you if he wants to end it and if he does then just accept
that if it’s meant to be then it’ll happen.”
Dwight definitely made a point. He’d fucked up and he hadn’t even realised it.
Guilt punched him in the gut, hitting over and over as the realisation swept
through him. He had taken away his choice, he hadn’t bothered asking Carl what
he wanted, he just assumed that he’d want to get away from him as quickly as
possible. He’d made the choice that that Carl would be better off without him,
completely disregarding what Carl thought was right for himself. He truly was a
fucking idiot.
“So what the fuck do I do?” Negan asked, despair creeping into every word.
Dwight softened. “You talk to him. Ask him what he wants, beg for his fuckin’
forgiveness, promise you’ll never do that shit again.”
“Then what?”
“Hear him out, let him talk. If he wants to leave you then enjoy the time
you’ve got before he leaves then call me and I’ll come get wasted with you.”
“And if he wants to be together?”
“Then be fucking happy for once Negan and make him happy cos God knows that kid
deserve it after all the shit he’s been through.”
The thought made him nervous, placing himself at Carl’s feet, asking him to
make a decision. Asking him to pick them because that’s all Negan damn well
wanted. He wanted to be with Carl, and he’d do anything to make that happen.
Even if it meant being vulnerable for two minutes of his life by telling Carl
as such. It wasn’t in his nature to place his heart in another person’s hands
but he’d be damned if Carl wasn’t worth it.
“So when the fuck did you get so insightful?” Negan questioned, when had the
pair of them grown the fuck up?

“Eh, married ten years, had to happen at some point I guess.”
They both laughed at that. “Yeah, how is the wife?”
The conversation swiftly flowed onto safer topics, Sherry, the bar, reminiscing
about old times. He’d damn well missed this. Sure he had acquaintances in
Lawrenceville but he didn’t have any friends, no one other than Carl to talk to
about shit with and even then things had been so tense recently that they
hadn’t really done much talking.
“You ever think about moving back?” Dwight eventually asked, only after the few
beers had taken hold of them.
“Nah, I dunno. Things were just so stressful here, I wasn’t me in the end.”
“Yeah, but that was with all the shit with Lucille, maybe without that it’d be
different.”

“I dunno.”
“It’d solve your problems with Carl. You’d be away from that shithole, away
from gossiping town people. You’d be right here with him, you could see him
whenever he was free. I’m sure you’d be able to get a job back up here, they
loved you.”
He wasn’t wrong about that, the college was devastated when he’d resigned. “I
just don’t wanna crowd Carl, I wanted him to have sometime on his ow-”
“-Blah, blah, fucking blah. You want this for him, maybe he’d like you being
there and Christ, man, it’s not like you’d be moving in with him. He’d have his
independence on campus, he could choose when he wanted to see you.”
He hadn’t thought about it like that, it was something he could do. Maybe he’d
even be able to keep the cabin, he could always rent a shitty place up in
Seattle, then have his cabin when he wanted to escape the city.
“Ask him.” Dwight continued. “For fucks sake just have a damn conversation like
an adult, don’t let your stupid pride get in the way.”
“You do have a way with words.”
“I’m a regular fuckin’ poet.” Dwight chuckled. “Seriously, just fuckin’ be an
adult. God knows you’re old enough.”

“You really are a fuckin’ asshole.” He grinned at him. He really had missed the
fucker.
“You too.”
All too soon it was time to go grab the topic of conversation. They said their
goodbyes, much like before, promising to stay in touch. Negan did mean it this
time, he couldn't let the shit get in the way of the people he truly cared
about. Dwight was right, he needed to start thinking about being happy, not
just doing whatever was easiest.
***********
He saw Carl before Carl saw him, he was stood in the room where he’d left him,
only this time he was surrounded by his soon-to-be classmates. A warmth filled
him when Carl’s laughter hit his ears, he didn’t hear that enough, certainly
not recently. As soppy as it was, it was one of the greatest sounds he’d ever
heard, it never failed to make his heart swell. He took a step back, waiting in
the shadows whilst Carl said his goodbyes, only appearing when the teen was
left standing on his own.
Negan was about 99% sure his heart skipped when that smile was directed at him,
full on stopping when it widened, eyes practically glowing with a joy that
Negan hadn’t seen in so long.
“Hey.” Negan said when they finally met in the center of the room.
“Hey, I wondered when you were gonna turn up, thought you might’ve forgotten
about me.”
“Never could.” Negan brushed an errant strand of hair behind Carl’s ear, that
hair, constantly blocking his view of those beautiful eyes. “Was just waiting
for you new friends to leave, didn’t want to embarrass you.”
Carl frowned, embarrass him? Considering how gorgeous Negan was compared with
his scrawny self he’d consider himself to be the embarrassment in their
relationship. “You couldn't embarrass me.”
“Is that a challenge?” Negan asked, cheeky grin now spreading over his own
face.
“Definitely not.” He hit out at Negan’s arm as they walked. “Ass.”

“Did you have fun then?”
“It was brilliant, this place… it’s everything I thought it would be.”
“And the people? They were alright?”

“Surprisingly yeah, it’s weird to just talk to people. I spent so much time
avoiding them that I’d almost forgotten that I was allowed to.”

A flare of anger sparked inside of him, he hated that, hated the reminder of
Shane’s fucking power trip over Carl. He’d missed out on so much because of
that bastard, all the parties he could’ve gone to, simple shit like getting
drunk with your buddies when you’re 16 and you think it’s a fucking good idea.
Boring teenage crap that he should’ve been allowed to go through. “Well, you
can do what you want up here. You’re an adult, you won’t have your Dad hovering
over you telling you what to do. You’ll be a free man.”
In more ways than one, Carl thought, one particular way that he really didn’t
want to be. He didn’t mention that, just smiled and filled Negan in on the rest
of the day. The last thing he wanted was another argument, not on this trip.
This was their time to be them, to just be a normal couple, have a bit of fun,
be out in public without fear of reproach.
“So what did you do when I was off making buddies?” Carl asked. “See any old
friends?”
“Yeah actually, saw my friend Dwight, had a couple of drinks, just caught up. I
haven’t really spoken to him recently.”
“Oh, how come?”
“Just got busy with work and things.”

Carl wondered if that ‘things’ was him. He’d definitely given Negan more than
enough to do in the time they’d known each other. He’d certainly taken up
plenty of his time with his shit. “You two been friends long?”
“Oh yeah, since college, we were roomies in freshman year then we stuck
together from there.”

“D’you miss him? Must have been hard leaving him.”

“I do, I mean I had to leave, for my own sanity I had to get out of here but I
do miss him. Haven’t really gotten close with anyone since I left him. Present
company excluded”
Carl laughed at that. “I should hope so.”

“Although we could be a lot closer.” Negan draped his arm around the smaller
man, hand coming to rest in the dip of his waist so he could pull him closer.
“Better?” Carl asked.
“Yeah, could be better though.” He whispered in his ear.
“Maybe after dinner.” Carl teased. “Where are we going for that?”
“Ah yes dinner, don’t worry I’ve got it allll planned. Big evening.”
“Big evening? What does that mean?”
“It means it’s gonna be fun. Trust me.”

Carl narrowed his eyes at him. “Okaaay, but if we end up skydiving or something
I’m gonna hit you.”
“Damn, I’ll call off that plane then.”
“Ha-ha.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice.
“Just shhh and enjoy the ride.” Negan replied, beeping the car open.
Carl slid into the passenger seat, blasting the A/C as soon as the engine was
rolling. If Negan was gonna take him somewhere and do something stupid then at
least he’d been cool for it.
***********
“I can’t believe you got me ‘Dick’s’ for dinner.” Carl spoke, voice muffled by
the burger he was currently munching through. When Negan had told him where
they were going he thought he was making some dumb innuendo, he certainly
wasn’t expecting to be taken to a drive in diner that sold the best damn fries
he’d ever eaten.
“Good right?” Negan’s own mouth full of fries.
“Amazing we need to go back and get more. God, I’m gonna get so fat when I move
here, I’m never eating anything else again.”
“Just dicks?” Negan couldn't help himself.
“Do you know what, I’m too happy to even yell at you for that.” It really as an
amazing place. “Oh my god, this is so good.”
Negan couldn’t help but be jealous of the damn burger, the noises Carl was
making was borderline pornographic. His dick certainly seemed to agree,
twitching with each little moan Carl made. Now was not the time for that shit,
no matter how much he wanted to toss him into the backseat and get him to make
those noises for an entirely different reason. He’d driven Carl out to his
favorite place in the city to eat the food but he wanted to wait until they’d
finished to really show him the place. It was nearing sunset, the perfect time
to show off the park. The perfect place to have the conversation they
desperately needed to have. Sunset was their time, it was the time when they’d
had their first real conversation, the time when they had been truly honest
with one another. He just hoped it worked out this time.

By the time they’d finished their food Carl’s suspicions were roaring around
his head. Negan had driven them up to a small area of the city, parking on the
side of the road, hadn’t said where they were or why they were there. The man
hadn’t said much since they’d reunited on campus, it made him wonder exactly
where he’d gone and what conversation Negan had with his old friend.
“Sooo, are we going back to the hotel?” He asked him, tossing his trash into
the bag it came in.

“Not yet, I’ve got something else to show you.”
“Better than ‘Dick’s’?”
“Oh yeah.”

“Doubt that but I’ll give it a go.” Carl said.
“Trust me, you’ll love it. C’mon.”

Carl followed him out of the car, taking the offered hand when Negan walked
around to meet him. They strolled together along the grass, listening to the
sounds of children playing in the park, the groups of students drinking when
they probably weren’t old enough. It was a beautiful place, even with the
rusted, structure that was the centerpiece of the park.
“You take me to the weirdest places.” Carl commented.
Negan smiled. “It’s called Gasworks Park. You’ll probably end up here a lot.
It’s the perfect place to do things you shouldn’t.”
“Please tell me you haven’t brought me here to do anything dirty.”
“No!” Negan protested. “Not unless you want to of course.”

He rolled his eyes at that. No matter where they were Negan could find a way to
make something pervy.
“I brought you here to show you the view.”
Carl’s eyes followed Negan’s hand, not quite believing the amazing view in
front of him. The entire city was sprawled out in front of him, Separated by a
great expanse of water that reflected the skyline perfectly. “Oh wow, I thought
the view from campus was breathtaking but this… Negan, this is amazing.”
“Just wait until the sunsets, it gets better.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

Negan walked them closer, drawing Carl to sit next to him on a stone wall. They
were far enough from other people to talk freely, he didn’t want any prying
ears to their conversation. This was them it didn’t concern anyone else.
“Carl?”
Eyes not leaving the view, Carl replied. “Yeah?”
“We need to talk.”
Carl’s heart froze at those words, body tensing. Nothing good followed those
words, he’d watched enough tv to know that. His mind denied it for a moment,
insisted that if he didn’t move his eyes from the view then he didn’t have to
have whatever conversation Negan wanted them to have. “A-about what?” He
tentatively asked. He didn’t want to know, he really didn’t want to know. He
wanted a nice time away, that’s all he wanted.
“Us. We ne- Carl, will you look at me?”
Carl’s eyes flicked over to meet Negan’s trying to read his face. He looked
solemn, ready to say something that he didn’t want to. His stomach sank, was he
gonna break up with him now? Was it all over? Maybe seeing him in the city had
made him realise that he didn’t want him anymore or had something happened? Had
he seen his ex-wife? Did he want to give it another go with her? He could hear
his heart thudding in his chest, nausea filling him. He didn’t want to know. He
needed to know.
“I wanted- Christ this is hard. I wanted to apologise.”
Apologise? He certainly wasn’t expecting that. Just what had he done?
“I did something unforgivable and I didn’t even realise it-”
Shit, shit, shit. Had something happened with someone? Had he cheated on him?

“I-I took something from you that I most certainly didn’t have the right to and
I can only hope that you forgive me.”

“What?” Now he was confused. Just what was the man talking about.
“When you said about going to college… I didn’t realise… I made a decision for
us that I shouldn’t have. We should’ve talked, I should’ve asked what you
wanted, I never should’ve said we shouldn’t be together, not without asking
you. I took away that choice for you, I decided what’s best for you when it
wasn’t my place to do it and I’m so damn sorry Carl. Words… they’ll never be
enough, but I’m sorry. It was fucking stupid, I was an idiot and I didn’t even
realise it. I never wanted us not to be together, I-I just thought it was best
for you, I didn’t want to hold you back. I never stopped to think that it
wasn’t my place to decide that.”
Carl took a shaky breath, brain reeling from Negan’s speech. It was like a
sucker punch, he felt winded, like no breath he took would ever be able to
replace it. He rose to his feet, he needed some distance, he needed some space.
He’d never thought about it like that, never considered his own feelings about
the decision. He was so used to other people making decisions that he never
questioned it. He’d assumed that it was what Negan wanted, and if it was what
he wanted then who was he to take that away from him. He never thought for a
secondthat Negan wanted them to be together. “S-so you want us to be together?”
“Yes, God, yes. If I had it my way I’d never let you go, but I would, if that’s
what you wanted. It’s up to you Carl, I’m in it all the way. If you want to be
single when you come here I’ll respect that. If you want to try long-distance
then I’m fucking all in.” He paused. “If you want me to move here with you then
I’ll fucking do it. Whatever you want, I’m here. I’m all yours.”
What on earth do you say to that? What did he want? He had no idea how to made
decisions, God, so many of them had gone so wrong. He’d taken so many chances
and they’d backfired so badly. Yet the one decision he’d made, to go and talk
to Negan, to offer to help him clean up one afternoon so long ago, which had
been the best decision he’d ever made. His life was better for it, through all
the shit he and Negan had come out the other side. Negan hadn’t made his life
better by being in it, he’d made it better by allowing Carl to find his own
happiness. He’d given him the strength to fight for himself, to find his own
way. He was a better person having been loved by a man with so much to give and
in that moment he knew his answer. “I’m yours.” He paused, watching Negan
stand, walking over to join him by the railing. “Whatever happens, good or bad,
I’m yours. I want you, I want us together. Not because I can’t be without you,
I could, I’d survive, it’d be hard but I would. But together we’re better, you
make me better, I’m happier with you and I don’t want to waste another minute
of my life being miserable when I could be happy. I love you, and that’s not
going to change, no matter what you think.”
He closed his eyes when Negan came closer, hands stroked along his cheekbones,
wiping away the tears once more. Their foreheads locked together, breath
mingled between them, whispered ‘I love you’s’ tumbled out of their mouths,
voices becoming so indistinct that Carl didn’t know who was talking. All he
knew was that he never wanted to lose the man in front of him, that regardless
of the hurt they’d caused one another, there was a light for them, they had
their future and nothing could take that away. The railing dug into his back,
not a millimeter stood between their bodies, but still Negan pushed closer arms
wrapping tight around Carl’s waist.
“Turn around.” Negan spoke, his voice so hushed, not wanting to break their
moment.
Carl did as instructed, reluctantly turning away from those eyes. The arms that
had relaxed to let him turn tightened once more, Negan’s chest pushing flush
against him, hot breath puffed in his ear.
“Beautiful isn’t it? This is what I wanted you to see."

It really was. The perfect moment. The city lit up in the distance, the dark
night became the perfect background to the skyline. The deep blue water
reflected the lights back up, it was stunning, he never wanted to leave, he
wanted to trap the night in his mind and soul forever so he could feel this way
for the rest of his life. Leaning his head back onto Negan’s shoulder he let
himself relax, allowed himself to enjoy the moment. Whatever shit they had to
fight through tomorrow, or next week, or next month, they could deal with it
then. Now, they were just Carl and Negan, just two people in a city of
thousands.
************
They took their time getting back to the hotel, not much was said, nothing
needed to be said, not now. For the first time in weeks they were themselves,
there was no pressure, no lingering tension, or anger. It was peaceful, like
the calm after a huge storm. The hotel was quiet when they arrived back, the
previously busy lobby deserted barring the staff who welcomed them back with
smiles.

“D’you wanna sleep?” Negan asked when the entered the room, shoving their
jackets into the wardrobe.
“Not really, I need a shower, I feel gross.”

“Yeah, you look it.”
Carl scowled at him. “I take back everything I just said.”

Negan gave him a quick peck. “No you don’t, hurry up with your shower I want a
turn.”

“Didn’t you shower earlier?”
“Nah, couldn't be bothered.”
“Lazy ass.” He caught the towel thrown at his head. “Rude.”

“Just move it.”
Carl moved towards the bathroom, pausing when he reached the door. His fingers
tapped the doorway, stomach flipping. “You, um, you could join me.” He said,
looking back at the figure sat on the bed.
Negan's eyes bugged out when the words registered in his brain. “I-join you in
the-” Negan stumbled over his words.
“Yeah, if you want.”
“I do, I most definitely do. Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” He wasn’t quite sure how he knew that he was sure but he was.
His showers were his quiet place, his sanctuary from the world, Negan… he was
part of that. “No reason to waste water.”
“Very environmental of you.”
“I know. You coming?”
Negan nodded, eyes locking on Carl’s as he walked over once again asking. “Are
you sure?”
Carl lips twitched up, head tipping in a gentle nod. He swallowed down his
nerves, taking a step closer so he could pull off Negan’s shirt. Their lips met
in a tentative kiss, Carl’s hot hands ran over Negan’s chest, stroking down the
hard muscles, landing on narrow hips. The beautifully slow kiss was a sharp
contrast to his racing heart, he pulled away, trying to catch his breath.
Negan’s hand shifted from his neck, reaching around to tug at the collar of his
shirt, pulling it over his head. He pushed in closer again, hands rubbing over
bare shoulders, fingers dancing along his back, almost tickling when they
traced along his shoulder-blades. They trailed lower, palm spreading over the
base of his spine, thumbs circling the dips above his waist. Carl nodded at
Negan’s unspoken question, allowing those fingers to pull open his jeans, let
them fall to the ground with his underwear. He stepped out of them and towards
Negan, helping him do the same until they were stood there naked.

Their noses nudged together, eyes fluttering closed as their lips found each
other again, more passionate, heads tilting to deepen the kiss. Negan’s hands
found Carl's’ lower back again, tugging him closer so he could step them back,
not stopping they were sheltered in the shower. He removed a hand to slide the
door shut, locking the world out.
Carl’s hand blindly fumbled for the taps, flicking the shower on. They both
flinched at the cold water that rained over their bodies, instinctively
pressing closer for warmth. Carl flicked the switch in the opposite direction,
bringing heat into the water, steam filling the cubicle. Negan flinched at the
sudden scalding water lashing at his skin. “Jesus, how hot do you like it?”
“I like the tingle.”
Negan wriggled his eyebrows, hands curling around his hipbones. “I can give you
another tingle.”

Carl laughed, shifting his hips closer, biting his lip when large hands
squeezed his ass. “I’m sure you can, but first,” he held out the bottle of
shower gel, “cleaning time.”

He watched the minty liquid collect in their palms, hardly able to believe that
Negan was there with him. Such a trivial thing, something so many couples did
together everyday, but it meant the world to him. To share in this with Negan
and not feel a slice of fear, it was a huge step. He smiled to himself, another
victory.

“What’re you smiling about?”
Carl’s head lolled back when those hands found his shoulders again, massaging
the gel deep into the muscles there. “I’m just happy.”
Hot lips kissed his wet cheek, mumbling a quick “Good” against it. His hands
rubbed up and down Carl’s arms, before slipping around to his back, lathering
along the length of it. Lips trailed kisses down his jaw, mouthing along the
long neck that arched under his ministration.
Carl’s own hands found Negan’s abs once again, covering each tattoo with soapy
bubbles, tracing the muscles, eyes following his own movements. Negan was too
damn gorgeous, everything from the tattoos to the lithe muscles that rippled
with each sweeping touch. His stubble scratched at his collarbone when his lips
moved lower, lust pooling in his stomach at the memory of that stubble
scratching his inner thighs, scratching between his cheeks when he kissed
elsewhere.
Negan’s hands shifted down, nails finding plump cheeks once more, squeezing the
softness there. He took advantage of the leverage, pushing his thigh in-between
Carl’s legs, hips shifting together. They both moaned at the friction, rocking
against one another, heat building in their groins.
Hands slipped along wet flesh, the sensations mingling with the steam, making
it harder to breath in the tight space. Nonetheless, Carl’s mouth pushed up
against Negan’s, teeth tugging his bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. The
older man’s groans vibrated deliciously into his mouth, encouraging his
wandering tongue, they met in Negan’s mouth twining together. It was decadent,
additive, had Carl longing for more of him. He tugged at Negan’s hair, pulling
their mouths apart so he could leave his own biting marks on Negan’s neck.
All the while Negan’s hands slid across his lower body, one stretching
downwards, caressing his thigh softly before hiking it up to drape over his
hip. They slotted together, hard lengths pressing against hips, friction that
had Carl leaking before Negan had even touched him. Roving hands soon returned
to those soft cheeks, massaging them, urging Carl’s hips to rock harder against
him. Gasping moans falling out of plump red lips, when he moved him just the
right way. When his hands shifted lower, finger grazing in between, Negan
paused. Shifting his head back to look at Carl, one hand coming up to cup his
neck, thumb slipping along his bottom lip. “Is this alright?”

“Yeah… not here though.”
“Not here?”
“Can we… can we go to bed?” Carl knew what he was asking, his heart thudding in
his chest, racing with nerves.
“Carl, are you sure?” Negan looked at him earnestly, searching for any sign of
doubt. “We don’t have to do anythi-“
All he could do was kiss him, lingering on his lips, before whispering against
them. “I’m sure, please?”
Negan nodded, flicking off the shower before stepping out, Carl following
behind. He grabbed the towels, rubbing them over skin, drying them as quickly
as he could. The older man offered his hand out when he was finished,
interlocking their fingers, he led Carl out of the bathroom stopping at the
bottom of the bed. His hands found Carl’s neck again, cupping his jaw, staring
into his eyes. Once more he found nothing but love shining back at him, his
heart throbbed once more, hoping his own conveyed as much as Carl’s.
“Negan?”
“Yeah.”
“I- go slow okay?”
He stroked along his cheekbones, hoping to reassure. “Of course, whatever you
want.”
“I want you.” Came the hushed reply before Carl shifted closer, arms wrapping
around Negan’s waist to pull them close once more. Their breath ghosted over
one another before it stopped, their lips fitting together so perfectly that it
was hard to believe they weren’t made for each other.  
Negan pushed him back, encouraging him onto the bed, their lips hardly left
each other as they settled on the cotton sheets. Negan shifting himself to rest
between Carl’s thighs, one hand tangled itself in Carl’s hair, running through
the strands. He could feel Carl’s harness poking into his hip, could feel his
own urging him to rock his hips into the soft skin against it. Somehow he
managed to restrain himself, this wasn’t about him, it wasn’t about mindlessly
rutting himself against the nearest thing to get what he wanted. It was about
Carl, showing Carl that sex wasn’t something bad, or something to be afraid of.
“How did I get so damn lucky?” Negan murmured against his collarbone, pressing
kisses wherever he could reach.
Carl blushed at that, torn between dragging those lips back up to his and
burrowing his face in Negan’s shoulder. He faltered under the heated gaze that
met his, the hungry want so clear on the man’s face, a want matched by his own
body. He rolled his hips up, watching the pleasure spread over Negan’s face,
brown eyes darkening with lust.
“If you want me to stop at anything tell me, don’t even think about it, just
tell me. Promise me.”
“I promise.” Carl turned his head, kissing the palm that cradled his head.
“It’ll be fine Negan.”
Negan smirked down at him, that familiar cockiness sending jolts of need
through him. “Oh, it’s gonna be more than fine darlin’ I’m gonna make you feel
so damn good you forget your name.”
“That’s a lot of big talk, sure you can live up it?” His words ended with a
gasp, a hand wrapped itself around his dick, stroking upwards in a slow teasing
motion that nearly had him melting into the covers.
“I’m sure I can, don’t you think?” He gave a sudden twist with his wrist,
squeezing at the tip of Carl’s cock before slowly stroking down again.
“Ah-god, yess.” He hissed in reply, the man was a fucking tease.
“Glad to hear it.”
Carl could feel the smirk against his chest,fucking ass. His own hands found
their way into Negan’s hair, tousling the dark locks. One sliding down to
fruitlessly grasp at his shoulders, when that defiant mouth wrapped itself
around a nipple. He used his grip on his hair to hold it firm against him,
encouraging moans left his lips, hips rocking steadily into the hand still
pumping him slowly. Negan’s tongue worked wicked patterns around his nipples,
tormenting the soft bud until it was bright red, a beautiful contrast against
his pale chest. Then he moved onto the other one, giving the same treatment,
that had Carl desperate and begging. The teen hardly noticed Negan reaching
over to the bedside table, he had a brief curiosity about his actions but that
quickly disappeared when the mouth dipped lower, lavishing his stomach with
soft licks that alternated with harsh nips. He soon realized what Negan had
been doing when a cold wetness appeared between his legs.
Out of instinct his legs tightened around Negan’s waist, trying to close
himself off. The fingers that had been massaging lube against his hole quickly
removed themselves.
“You alright? Need me to stop?”
“No, no I’m good, just a reflex, keep going. Please.” The fingers returned and
he managed to stop himself tensing up again, breathing deep when one finger
pushed itself inside, slowly digging deeper.
“God, you’re so tight.” He only had one finger in him and the teen was
practically strangling it. He was briefly concerned that his dick wouldn't fit.
Carl wriggled his hips, it was weird, something so familiar yet so foreign. The
burning stretch was there, but it wasn’t painful, each shift of his hips eased
the burn until all that was left was a dull ache that had him rocking onto the
digit. His fingers clawed at Negan’s back, certain he was leaving red trails in
their path.
“How’s that? Can you take more?”
“Mmmhmm.” Carl’s teeth dug into his lip, breathing deep as another finger
pushed inside. Negan’s mouth covered his, pulling his lip from his own teeth
and sucking it into his own mouth. It took Carl a moment to realize that it was
intended as a distraction, before he realized two fingers had slipped inside
him to the last knuckle. “Oh god, Negan.”
“Just wait…” those fingers slowly slipped in and out, gently stretching him
more and more.
“For wh-AH… ohmygod don’t stop… don’t… OH!” Carl babbled. “What was that?”
Negan smirked down at him. “What?”
Carl glared up him the bastard, cheeks flushing a deep red. “You know what?”
Negan’s mouth formed a teasing ‘O’. “You mean that?” He moved his fingers
again. 
Carl’s hands scrambled across Negan’s shoulders. “Ohgod… oh yesss.” Whatever it
was made his body burn, his toes curled up as a new pleasure tugged at his
stomach. He rocked his hips up, fucking into the loosening grip on his dick
before grinding down onto the fingers drawing out desperate moans.
“You like that?”
Carl frantically nodded his head, how the fuck could anyone not like that? The
sudden loss of friction on his cock had him crying out, hips thrusting up into
thin air desperately trying to find something to grind against. “Wha-oh.” The
aching cold was quickly replaced by a wet heat, his head shot back on the
pillow, back arching up, hips rolling once more seeking out the greater
pleasure.
A gentle hum around his hardness distracted him from the third finger slipping
in, only the distinct burn had he realising what he’d done. He didn’t care at
this point, Carl’s brain solely focusing on the pleasure roaring through every
nerve. He was so damn close to the edge he could practically taste his climax.
The mouth slipped off his dick, Negan crawling up his body, fingers still
plunging deep inside of him. Carl pushed his body up, tugging Negan down with
one hand so he could reach his lips. There was no preamble, no gentle teasing,
just tongues meeting, teeth almost clashing as they tried to feel as much of
the other as humanly possible.
Negan broke the kiss first, glancing down at the flushed, writhing form
underneath him nearly had him coming. His own dick hard and aching, desperate
for some kind of touch. “You feel too damn good Carl, I want you so much, fuck,
I always want you.”
“Then have me.” Their eyes locked in the moment, Carl could hardly see the
familiar brown, his pupils too blown with lust to reveal anything more than a
tight ring of chocolate around the darkness. He wanted Negan, wanted to feel
him inside, and he was damn well sick of waiting. He gave his lips a quick
peck. “Please?”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m more than sure.”
Another kiss lingered on his lips, Negan took the time exploring his mouth
again, trying to memorise the taste of him. He let his fingers slip out of the
tight hole, wrapping his arms around Carl he quickly twisted them, flipping
them over to put Carl on top.
“Whoa, why’s you do that?” Carl’s hands fumbled to steady himself above the
man.
Negan rubbed his hips, thumbs stroking lightly over the sharp bones. “You
decide the pace here Carl, take what you want, I’m all yours.”
Carl swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. The man always had a damn way with
words. He leaned down to kiss him, savouring the moment, it was perfect, he was
perfect.
The lube clicked open again, he felt rather than saw Negan’s hand stroking up
and down his own length, the cold wet hitting his rear on every upstroke.
“Okay?” Carl asked.
“Yeah.” There were those dimples again. “You good?”
Carl grinned back. “Yeah.” He placed another soft kiss on him. “I love you.”
Another kiss. “Love you too.”
Adoring eyes watched him sit back up, he tried to keep eye contact when he sank
down on the hard length but couldn’t help fluttering his eyes closed at the
pleasurable burn. Hands smoothed over his hips, not pushing, just reassuring,
helping him ease down. His breath heaved out of him, trying to quell the nerves
rushing in his stomach.
“That’s it darlin’ just breathe, you’re doin’ so well.”
Carl focused on the voice, it was deeper now, growing huskier the more Carl
took. With each breath he slid down, until their hips were finally flush. Only
then did his eyes flutter open, hands digging into his chest as he tried to
breathe through the ache.
“You alright?”
“Mmhmm.” He rocked his hips, shifting around trying to adjust to the intrusion.
Negan’s nails dug in with each movement until a groan burst out of his mouth.
“Jesus, Carl you’re gonna make me blow if you keep wriggling like that.”
Carl blushed at the thought before realizing how stupid that was. He literally
had the man’s dick up his ass, they were well beyond embarrassment. “You need a
minute?” He teased.
Negan glared up at him. “No, m’fine.”
“Good.” With that Carl started moving his hips, slowly rolling them back and
forth. He closed his eyes, savoring the slick drag inside of him when he
shifted up. His hands slid along Negan’s chest, feeling along the muscles that
twitched underneath him. He could feel how hard Negan was gripping his hips, if
he opened his eyes he was certain he’d see the internal battle going on in
Negan’s head from restraining himself. God knows he was more than grateful for
that.
“You alright up there?” Negan breathed, Carl really was fuckin’ gorgeous. The
look of bliss on his face when he’d finally got settled nearly had Negan
tumbling over the edge. The deep flush on his face trailed down over his chest,
he wanted nothing more than to chase it with his tongue. Yet he didn’t, he
didn't want to do anything that would disturb those hips undulating on top of
him.
“Yeah, fuck yeah I’m good.”
“Goo- fuck, oh fuck.” Negan growled out when Carl finally started moving
faster, practically bouncing on his dick. It was better than any fuckin’
fantasy he’d had. As much as he wanted to keep watching his eyes slammed shut,
head arching back into the far-too-soft cushions. “Fuck, Carl, fuck yes, just
like that darlin’.”
“Mpfh.” Lips hit his hard, Negan’s hand curling around the back of his neck to
keep them locked together as his body rocked harder against him. His own
scratched into Negan’s hair, gripping the short locks, surprised when the
gentle tug elicited a deep groan from the older man. “Negan, uhhn, yesss… Oh
my…” He panted against Negan’s lips, using his hair to tug that mouth to his
neck, grinding down faster when teeth attached to it. It was incredible, he
squeezed closer to Negan, moaning incoherently when the new position allowed
his dick to grind against hard abs.
He felt ruined, so full, so split in two by the hard dick that was slowly
driving him crazy. He couldn’t get enough, it’d never be enough, he couldn’t
tell where he started and Negan began. It was how it should be, the two of them
intertwined, bodies finally matching the emotions that they’d felt since the
day they met. “Negan…”
“Yeah darlin?” The words, hot and wet against his pulse.
“I… more… please more.” 

This time Negan growled, the vibrations shot through Carl’s body, inciting his
hips to rock harder against him. Hands gripped his hips impossibly tight, he’d
bruise in the morning but right now he didn’t care, they shifted him, Negan’s
own hims rocking up until… ”OHGOD...ohmy… yes… again…”
Negan did as told, bouncing Carl in his lap, ensuring to hit that sweet spot
that made Carl squeeze so hard around his dick. He was fucking incredible. “You
gonna come for me?” He couldn’t resist nipping out at Carl’s swollen lip,
toying with the flesh. “Gonna come on my cock sweetheart?”
“Ugh, Negan.” Carl rocked his hips faster, chasing the pleasure that had
roaring in his veins since Negan had first touched him. He wanted to memorize
every second of this moment, wanted the sight of Negan so lost in pleasure to
be etched into his brain. The man's words barely registering his his head as
the heat built in his stomach, slick sweat making it easier for his dick to
glide along Negan's abs. 
“That’s it baby…ughgod you're so fuckin' gorgeous... keep going." Negan was
certain he'd die if Carl stopped moving, his own hands slipped around to grab
his ass. He fuckin' loved that ass, so perky and soft, so tight around his
dick. If he moved his finger right he could feel himself slip in and out of
Carl, could feel the muscle so stretched around his length, it had his eyes
rolling back in his head. Face twisting with pleasure, he wasn't gonna be able
to hold out much longer. They'd been teasing this for so long, his body too
taunt with anticipation. "C’mon, come for me.”
“Oh god… shit… there… ohmygod… yes yes…” Carl’s body seized, hands clutching at
Negan’s shoulders as he finally came hard. Hips grinding down to take as much
of him as possible. His mind went blank, clinging onto Negan, pulling him
closer, wanting to feel more of the man.
Finally Negan thought, letting his body take over, he gripped Carl’s hips
harder, rocking his own up to keep him moving in and out of that blissful heat.
Soft groans puffed in his ear with each thrust into Carl’s pliant body, sweet
“yesyesyes” a mantra that followed. It didn’t take long, a few more thrusts
before he buried himself deep, grinding their hips together almost painfully as
he spent himself inside Carl, filling him with a sticky heat that had Carl
twitching harder around him. 
Carl followed Negan down, breathless, his muscles were like jelly, all he could
do was collapse on his chest, nuzzling the warmth there. He was grateful for
the palms that stroked up and down his back, the reassurance presence of
Negan’s heartbeat under his ear.
“You good?”
He nodded, not quite able to form words yet. His mouth too dry from the heavy
pants that fell out his mouth. One of his hands found Negan’s shoulder,
squeezing softly, as he placed soft kisses on his chest. His heart almost
bursting with love for the man underneath him. He let himself be drawn up, met
soft lips with his own. This kiss was sloppy, too wet but neither cared, it was
perfect to them.

Carl broke away first, fingers trailing along the stubbled cheekbone, he
contemplated Negan, lips twitching up at the soft, sleepy smile that crept over
the man’s face. “I love you.”
Hands slid up to cup his own face, tucking hair behind his ears. “I love you
too, Darlin’”
Arms wrapped around Carl’s waist when his tucked his head in the crook of
Negan’s neck. He knew he’d have to move soon, knew they’d probably need yet
another shower, but for the moment he wanted to stay there. Safe, warm, wrapped
up in Negan. Reality would come crashing down again, the hurt and the pain
would no doubt come again, just as certain as the nightmares would creep over
him again. But for now he didn’t have to think about that, for a blissful
moment he could just exist, bask in the happiness that he’d been longing for.
  
 
Chapter End Notes
     Sooo how many people love Dwight right now? As if I was gonna let
     them be apart any long than they had to.
***** The Return *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm baaacck! Only took me a month to get this chapter out. I had so
     much writer's block with this one and then just as it was getting it
     rolling the mid-season finale smashed it right out of me. I'm so
     heartbroken about it (won't say much in case people haven't watched
     it) but all I can say is that it's not gonna change anything with any
     of my fics. I've still got several planned and now I'm settled into
     my job a bit more I have a tiny bit more time to write :)
     Soo this chapter was supposed to be one chapter but it kinda
     spiralled out of control (15,000 words like whaaat!) so I've split it
     in two. So there will be one more chapter then a little epilogue at
     the end.
     Thanks so much for all the lovely messages that people have sent
     whilst waiting! I'm sorry it took so long I've definitely learned my
     lesson about posting chapters as and when I write them, next time I'm
     gonna try and get ahead a bit more before publishing anything.
     As always thank you for the support and for reading. Hope you enjoy
     this one <3
                        "And then three became four..."
                                        
===============================================================================
                                        
 
                                   May_2018
The first time Carl awoke that evening Negan had sprawled himself over him, a
strong, muscled thigh had slipped between his, and Negan’s arms had twined
around his waist keeping him snug against the other man. Carl looked down at
the peaceful face that had nestled against his shoulder, gently stroking his
fingers across his cheek. Stubble pricked at his lips when he placed a kiss
against it, nonetheless he let them linger, indulging himself, breathing in the
spicy musk that accompanied the man wherever he went.
It was selfish indulgence that drove him to place another kiss on his cheek,
then another higher up, thumbing across where his lips had trailed. There was
only a brief flicker of guilt when Negan stirred at his actions. His breath
caught when those brown eyes flickered open to land on his. He gave a sheepish
smile, lips barely turning up in the corner, before whispering a quick “sorry.”
“You can wake me up like that anytimedarlin’” The other man’s sleep-heavy voice
sent shivers up his spine, so similar to that gravelled tone that whispered the
dirtiest things into his ear.
He hardly noticed their noses nudging together before Negan pressed closer,
lips joining in the dark room. It was only a brief kiss, a slight taste of the
other before they withdrew back to themselves. They sighed almost in unison,
hands trailing soft touches along skin.
“You alright?” Negan asked, voice hushed, not wanting to break the blissful
tranquillity between them.
Just as quiet Carl replied, “Yeah, just… I can’t believe we’re here.” He rested
his forehead against Negan’s. “Never thought I’d feel this happy again.”
Negan gave him a warm smile “I’m glad.”
Carl’s eyes fluttered closed when Negan’s lips found his again. He let the man
take control of the kiss, allowed his tongue to slip between his lips, slowly
letting his own stroke along the muscle. He could definitely get used to this,
he could easily spend hours in bed with this man. He wanted to spend every
waking moment exploring his body, learning every inch of it until he knew each
freckle and scar better than his own.
“That will never get boring.” Negan mumbed, nuzzling along Carl’s neck,
whispers of kisses echoed against his skin.
Carl threaded a hand through Negan’s dark locks, smiling at his words. He hoped
they were true, he hoped they’d never get bored of this, more than anything he
hoped that Negan would never get bored of him. He knew he was too young for
him, probably a lot more immature than the people that he’d been with before,
there was a constant worry that he’d get over whatever it was about Carl that
held his attention and move on to someone else. Someone less.... damaged.
“Stop worrying.” Negan said, brown eyes coming up to meet Carl’s, his face
taking on that stern look that he usually kept for disciplining the kids at
school. “Whatever it is you’re thinking about, stop it.”
The man was certainly more intuitive than Carl gave him credit for. “I’m good,
no more thinking.”
“Good.” Negan kissed him again, before rolling onto his back, eyes fluttering
shut as he settled down again.
Carl watched him for a moment, contemplating the man, he’d never stop
surprising him. His mind recalled their earlier conversation, brain fumbling
over all the things that he’d said before pausing on one particular sentence.
He mulled it over for a moment, hesitating before asking, “Did you mean what
you said earlier?”
One brown eye cracked open, focusing on Carl in the dark, his face the picture
of confusion. “Which part?”
“The part about you moving to Seattle with me?” Carl clarified.
Negan shifted back onto his side, turning so he could return Carl’s gaze. “Of
course, I meant everything I said Carl. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to be
happy, for us to be together.” He stroked along Carl’s smooth skin, rubbing
reassuringly at his shoulder. “It’s whatever you want, if you want me to move
up there to be with you then I’m down for it. I can get a job, rent a place,
hell I could sell the cabin and buy a place up there. But if you want me to
stay, if you want some space to get your feet in the city then I’ll stay, I’ll
wait, however long it takes.”
Carl pondered his words, what did he want? He wanted to leave his shitty town,
that he knew, even with his Father there he still wanted some distance from all
the memories that haunted every corner of the place. He wanted Negan, he always
wanted him around yet… he wanted to try being independent. Maybe he was being
selfish but he wanted that chance to experience college on his own, he wanted
to know if he could survive on his own, without any backup. “Don’t sell the
cabin, not that I don’t want you to move but that place… it’s too special to
give up.” He paused. “I wanna try being there on my own, for awhile anyways. I
want you there. I just, it sounds stupid, I just need to know if I can do this
on my own.”
Negan shook his head, dismissing his last words. “It’s not stupid, it’s normal.
Most people head to college for that precise reason. We’ll figure it out, one
week at a time. When you’re ready I’ll look at joining you, that’ll probably
take some time anyways.”
“I really don’t deserve you.” Carl spoke, the words falling out without
thought.
Negan scoffed at that. “What are you talkin’ about? After all the shit I pulled
I don’t deserve you Carl.”
“Don’t…” Carl whispered, hushing his words. “We both fucked up, but it’s in the
past, we’ve gotta move on or we’ll just keep repeating mistakes.”
“When did you get so damn wise?”
“Eh, one of us has to be.”
Negan settled against him again, curling his arms around his waist, nuzzling
his face into his neck. “Good point, I’ll leave you to it.”
Carl shifted to accommodate him, his own arms finding their way around Negan’s
shoulders before an unpleasant weight in his bladder reminded him exactly why
he’d woken in the first place. He sulked a moment, balancing the pressing urge
to relieve himself with the sheer contentment he felt in that moment.
Unfortunately his body won out, he reluctantly pulled himself away from Negan,
lavishing several apologetic kisses against the man’s cheek as he left the
warmth of the bed.
He shivered at the cool breeze from the air conditioning, it had seemed like a
good idea when they’d been accosted by the summer heat but now it forced him
back into his boxers and the shirt he’d pulled off Negan the previous night. It
was beyond a habit to steal his clothes back home, why not continue over here?
Negan had fallen asleep again by the time he returned, lost in a dream that
judging by the faint grin on his face was entirely enjoyable. He slipped back
under the covers, a warm joy filling him when Negan reached for him in his
sleep. Carl allowed himself to be enveloped in his strong arms again, nestling
himself against his body. He could most definitely get used to this he thought
before returning to a peaceful sleep.
***********
A shrill ringing woke him the second time. A pained groan rumbled behind him,
the warm arm left his waist to answer the wake-up call, slamming the phone back
onto the receiver when he was finished before returning his arm to where it had
settled around Carl’s hip. Carl arched his neck, smiling at the mouth nuzzling
along the length, stubble almost tickling his flesh.
“Mornin’” Negan’s voice was husky with sleep, purring in his ear.
“Morning,” Carl wriggled back against Negan, burrowing his face back into the
pillow, it was waaay too early to be awake. All he wanted to do now was spend
the rest of the day in the warm bed, Negan wrapped around him, the two of them
hidden away from the world.
“Keep wrigglin’ like that and there’s no chance that we’re leavin’ this bed
today.”
He wriggled again, his grin hidden away. “Maybe that’s my plan.”
Negan chuckled against his shoulder-blade, a low, dirty chuckle that had Carl’s
heart racing that little bit faster. “You lil’ tease.” His palm slid along
Carl’s waist, fingers sliding under the shirt, hisshirt he noted with a flash
of heat, Carl had put on to trickle along his all-too-prominent ribs. Making a
brief note to feed the teen more, he let the digits wander down to tease along
his hips. “What on earth am I gonna do with you?”
Carl arched his hips back in response, bottom rubbing against the hardness
growing behind him. “I can think of a few things.” He breathed out.
Another anguished groan, “Jesus, you’re fuckin’ evil.” The palm lowered,
slipping over soft cotton on it’s path down Carl’s thigh. A sigh huffed against
Carl’s back. “I damn well wish we had more time.”
Carl pouted, flipping around to face Negan. “Can’t we stay? One more night?”
Negan nipped at that delectably plump lip, kid really was evil. “I wish, but we
gotta get you back to your Dad.” He went visibly pale, leaning back. “You don’t
think he meant what he said about knowing…”
Carl rolled his eyes, his Father wasn’t that scary. “You’ll be fine, he’s not
gonna know.”
“You don’t know that, he’s a cop he might have pull in this area. Little spies
that'll tell him I didn’t go to my room last night.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure he has pull in a city that’s thousands of miles out of his
jurisdiction.” He rubbed a hand soothingly over his shoulder, tracing down to
the tattoo on his pec that never failed to draw his attention. “Don’t worry,
you and your balls are safe.”
“They better be, can’t be depriving the world of them.”
“The world?” Carl asked incredulously, no fuckin’ chance. “Thought they were
all mine.”
Negan cocked a brow at him, smirk creeping over his face, “Someone’s
possessive.” His hands found the sweet curve of his bottom, yanking Carl
closer. “I like it.”
“Damn straight, nearly lost you once, not happening again.” He nudged their
lips together, sighing softly, melting at the contact. His lips opened,
welcoming the tongue that slipped between them, twirling around his own. Carl’s
hand played with the soft hairs at the base of the other man’s neck, leg
sliding up to rest on his hip, drawing them closer together.
A trail of fire followed Negan’s hand as it roved over Carl’s body, each gentle
scratch, each sweeping caress, sent sparks of lust through him. He rolled their
hips together, a sense of urgency seeping into the kiss, hands growing more
persistent, more desperate for the feel of skin. Negan’s hands shoved at Carl’s
shirt, pushing it up to his armpits, running them down along his chest, nipples
pebbling under his touch.
Soft sighs left Carl’s lips between kisses, he just about had time to draw more
breath before Negan’s lips found his once again. “What happened to the whole
‘don’t have time thing’?” He mumbled before his lips were taken again. His back
arched, hips involuntarily grinding forwards when nimble fingers plucked at his
sensitive nipples.
“Mmmm…” Those hands shifted to push at his boxers. “...if we’re nice…” another
kiss “...and quick…” he was pushed on his back. “...then I’m sure we’ll be
fine.” Negan covered his lips once more, using his knees to spread Carl’s legs,
settling himself between them. Both sighed in satisfaction when their lower
bodies finally made contact, hips rocking slowly against each other, taking a
moment to savor each slow grind.
Groans spilt into the other’s mouths, erections dragging back and forth over
each other as they ground together, the blissful friction forcing their bodies
to move harder, and faster, chasing that indescribable pleasure. The slow,
languid pace from the previous night disappeared completely, replaced by a
feverish need, a animalistic hunger for the other that wouldn’t be sated with
sweet kisses and slow touches.
“Ugh, Negan, yess, there.” Carl’s hands scratched a path down hard muscle,
reaching around to sink into Negan’s ass to shift their hips even closer,
forcing him to hit the angle that made his back arch and his dick throb. His
toes curling at the pleasure that flooded every vein, that made his heart
pound, and head light. “God, Negan, ohgodohgod.”
Kissing became pointless, it was more a clash of tongues and teeth, nipping and
sucking whatever they could reach, heavy breaths swapped between their mouths.
Exchanges of “oh fuck” and “yesyes, ohgod, yes”melted away as breathing became
more difficult, desperate groans and growing in pitch moans replaced them.
Negan’s hand found Carl’s leg, hiking it further up his hip, pushing their
groins that little bit closer. He buried his face in the crook of Carl’s neck,
mouthing at the sweat gathering there, biting at his racing pulse. Lust tugged
at his stomach, heart racing as he soared towards his climax.“Fuck, baby,
shityes.” His body tensed, thrusting against Carl’s one last time as he spilled
between them, his climax tearing through him. Carl followed closely, whimpering
as his legs tightened around Negan’s hips, pushing upwards, chasing the
blissful waves.
They lay in silence, chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath. Negan
broke the silence first, shifting his head out from Carl’s neck to look him
over. He really was beautiful, face flushed pink, glistening with sweat, his
lips swollen and red from all the attention he’d lavished on them. Negan
would’ve felt more guilty about it if it hadn’t made Carl all the more
irresistible. He placed a soft kiss on him, before whispering against them,
“You alright?”
Carl licked at his lips, chasing the taste of Negan’s, his eyes fluttered open
meeting those warm brown eyes. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Sure?”
Carl nodded.
“No regrets?”
Carl frowned, he didn’t think he could ever regret this. He most definitely
didn’t regret last night, it had been perfect. “None, absolutely none.”
“Good.” He kissed him again, facing curling up when the movement shifted his
body, reminding him of the sticky mess between them. “Ugh, we’re gonna need
another shower.”
Disgust covered Carl’s face. “Yeah, I’m so going first.”
Negan pouted this time. “First? What happened to saving water?”
Carl pushed Negan off him, rolling to sit up. “We’ve got a flight to catch and
something tells me if I let you in that shower we’ll definitely miss it.”
Rising from the bed, he padded over to the bathroom, stretching as he went.
“But who’s gonna wash my back?” Negan protested at the moving figure.
“There’s a loofah.” Carl called back, locking the door behind him, leaving
Negan to pout at the overly white ceiling.
**********
                                   June_2018
                                        
The return from Seattle had been a larger comedown than Carl had ever thought.
It had hit him harder than he’d anticipated, the return to the home so filled
with memories, both good and bad, had sent the anxious gnawing swarming back to
his stomach. A sensation that had all but disappeared whilst they’d been away,
he wasn’t sure if it was being so far away from the place that had damaged him
so badly, or the fact that he no longer had to concern himself with worrying
about someone catching onto his relationship with Negan.
Even though it had only been two days away from this awful place, he never
realised how much concealing their relationship had impacted on him. Not just
the constant worry about people finding out about them but the mountainous
effort of having to keep himself away from Negan at all times. He missed him so
intensely all the time. The return to adamantly ignoring each other in the
corridors pained him, even more exacerbated by the fact that he’d become so
busy with studying for finals that he hardly had the time to see him. In the
three weeks since they’d returned they’d only seen each other properly twice.
Their weekly dinner had been postponed several times because of the insane
study schedule that Enid had drawn up for him.
Another change in his life, the teen had barrelled back into it and set herself
as his appointed study guide. Not long after his return from Seattle had she
thrown herself into the seat opposite him in the library and shoved a load of
organised papers at him. She’d explained that she couldn’t stand looking at him
dig through his badly-written notes every afternoon so she’d copied her own to
give to him. It was embarrassing to say the least that someone had noticed just
how unorganised they were, half the time he was fumbling through them trying to
find pages that matched each other. More often than not he’d find himself
having to separate notes from completely different classes that had somehow
gotten tangled together.

Needless to say he’d been extremely grateful for her intervention, even more
grateful when she’d given him her study timetable and demanded that they
studied together. He never studied as much when he was alone, hell he hated
being on his own in general, too many unwanted thoughts would creep into his
mind without someone there to distract him. He frequently fell into old habits
when he was studying on his own, the words blurring together as his mind fought
to dispel the memories that wanted to drown him. Inevitably the effort would
exhaust him and he’d fall into bed for yet another restless sleep filled with
nightmares.
He should really talk to someone about it, or at least figure out a better way
of dealing with it. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life relying on others
for his own sanity but it was tiring enough dealing with all the other shit in
his life without having to drag another person into the mess. He most
definitely wasn’t going to talk to his Dad about it, the man had been far too
distracted recently.
That worried him more than anything, the man was slowly returning to the person
he was right after everything with Shane went down. He was so withdrawn, he’d
hardly spent time with Carl since he came back, too busy with work. Carl had
tried to ask about it, he’d been curious to know exactly what work had kept him
away from his trip but the only response had been a tight smile and a
dismissive, “Nothin’ to worry about.” Which, of course, had made Carl worry
about it at every opportunity. He couldn’t tell if it was work-related or
something else. It hadn’t escaped his attention that the man hardly mentioned
Daryl anymore, such a stark contrast to how he was prior to the trip. Anytime
he wasn't with Carl or at work the man would be with Daryl, or at least making
plans to be with him. Hell, Carl had thought something a little more than
friendship was going on there and now it seemed like Daryl was nothing more
than a faded memory.
He hasn’t asked his Dad about it, not quite sure exactly how to ask him what
was going on with his friend/maybe-more-than-friend. It wasn’t really his place
to ask either, Rick respected his relationship with Negan, he never asked about
it so he deserved the same treatment. He wasn’t even sure if it was the cause
of his Father’s sudden mood change, it might just be work, or the reminder that
Carl would soon be leaving him. All Carl could do was spend as much time with
the man as he allowed, even if that meant abandoning Negan for a couple of
weeks.
The feat was easier said than done.
He’d just about lasted the three weeks before things got too much. He and Enid
had spent the usual three hours in the library after school. It was late, the
whole school was closing up and they’d been kicked out the library. He always
accompanied her back to her car when they left each other, much to his surprise
he actually enjoyed her company again. It was like the three weeks had healed
some of the rift that had developed between them, they joked and laughed,
stressed about the future and exams. She’d asked him all about his trip to
Seattle, which he happily told her, leaving out all mentions of a certain
person. There was an ease with her, although he had to stay on his guard about
his relationships, it was nice to talk with someone that didn’t know about
Shane. It almost reminded him of being with Negan before he told him
everything. Not that he regretted telling him, he was grateful that there were
no secrets in their relationship but it made things harder at times, certain
moments would fill with an awkward heaviness, he could tell that Negan would
often watch what he said and did. He knew the man only did it because he didn’t
want to upset him but he hated those moments.
So he made the most of his time with Enid, trying to forget how much he missed
Negan. That particular afternoon, as they made their way back to her car, his
eyes were once again drawn to the field where Negan spent his time. Usually the
pitch was empty by the time they left, having studied well past practice time.
However, on this occasion he could just about make out the familiar figure
clearing up, an involuntary grin spread over his face. He hid it from Enid, the
last thing he wanted was questions from her.
“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” She asked, interrupting his gaze.
“Yeah, sure, see you then.”
They exchanged waves before she drove off. His body hesitated a moment before
he turned and snuck back into the school. He walked through the deserted, dark
corridors, avoiding the janitor as he made his way to the office. It was stupid
of him to do this, a reckless risk for him to see Negan in the school, the
smart thing would be to turn around and leave.
He was never one for doing the smart thing and he’d be the first to admit that
sneaking around the school made his pulse race that little bit faster, and sent
lust tingling through his veins. He wasn’t sure if it was love or lust that
tugged him closer to that office, drawn to the man inside it like a moth to a
flame.
Negan was shrugging on his jacket when Carl arrived, covering his tight, white
shirt with the well-worn leather jacket that Negan loved so much. He made Negan
jump when he closed the door behind him, an angry look appeared on the man’s
face before he realised who it was that had startled him.
“What are yo-” Carl hushed him with a finger on his own lips. He turned to flip
the blinds shut, settling the room in darkness, the dim light from the computer
screen giving the room a slight glow. He quickly locked the door before turning
his attention back to the man now leaning against the edge of his desk.
They looked at each other for a moment, everything halted for Carl, the world
outside the door faded as he focused on those brown eyes. It only took a few
steps for them to meet, the shortest second before their tugged each other
closer, clashing together in the middle of the room with teeth and tongue.
Finallywas silently spoken between them as they found each other in the
darkened room, hands reacquainting themselves with skin, slipping under
clothes, clutching at whatever flesh they could reach. Their bodies in sync
with their yearning need to be with one another, hearts beating together,
breath coming in desperate pants between longing kisses.  
Carl pushed at Negan, lips remaining locked as he shoved him back towards the
chair. The kiss broke when he pushed him back into it, a small ‘oof’ leaving
the other man when he hit the seat, he almost followed him down, nearly
straddled him so he could find his climax in the hot grind of their bodies. He
managed to stop himself, he could wait, he wanted to try something different.
Ignoring Negan’s confused look, he let himself fall to his knees, his jeans
were harsh under his palms when he placed his names on them. He let his eyes
lock with Negan, icy blue meeting the warm brown that was slowly disappearing
under widening pupils. His palms slid up Negan’s thighs, spreading them as they
went, slipping himself between them. He kept his pace slow, enjoying the
impatient look that was forming on Negan’s face, he could feel the muscles
twitching under his touch, could practically see the restraint that Negan was
imposing on himself. Carl wondered what was going on in his mind, what he was
thinking of doing, what he wanted to do. His own raced with ideas of all the
things he could do to the man, three weeks of hardly seeing one another had him
ready to burst.
Still, as fun as all the other ideas were, he had something else in mind for
that particular afternoon.
“What’re you up to?” Negan asked, one hand coming down to stroke at Carl’s
cheek.
“What do you think I’m up to?” Carl asked innocently, his fingers deliberately
stroking along the hardness he found on their way up to the man’s buckle.
Negan inhaled sharply at the teasing touch, he had to clear his throat before
replying. “Somethin’ that’s gonna get me in trouble.”
Carl grinned up at him, fingers now working on the man’s zipper. “Probably.”
His hand slipped inside of his open jeans, raising an eyebrow at the man. “No
underwear?”
Negan gave one of his own wicked grins, his reply cut short when a firm hand
wrapped itself around his dick, plucking a deep groan that rumbled out of his
chest.
“Makes it easier for me I guess.” Carl mumbled to himself. He watched in
fascination at the thick hardness in his hand, he could barely wrap his fingers
around it, the head was already wet with pre-cum, he used it to ease the glide
of his hand down his dick. His strokes were slow, teasing the man with a tight
grip before loosening it to a feather-light touch. Carl withdrew all touches
when Negan’s hands made towards him. “Ah, ah, no touching.” He dragged his eyes
away from his flushed dick to look into brown eyes.
“You touch me and I’ll stop.” He warned. Negan’s eyes flashed with lust, his
hands twitched towards him before they obeyed, clenching hard on the armrests.
Carl smiled sweetly at him, keeping their eyes locked as he brought his head
forward, tongue slipping out to lap at the moisture gathering at Negan’s head.
He saw the shock on Negan’s face, witnessed the pleasure that glazed over his
eyes when he lapped at it again, hips shifting forward in an attempt to follow
the retreating tongue. Carl bit his lip, using his hand to tug at Negan’s cock
again, taking a moment to consider the man.
He’d never had any inclination to do this before, he’d never really considered
it to be something he’d ever enjoy but the reactions from Negan made him crave
it, they urged him to do more, to take more of him. So he leaned forward once
more, adjusting his hand so he could lick up from the base to the leaking tip,
tasting the man properly for the first time. The taste of come was unpleasantly
familiar, he had to push the thoughts of where he’d tasted if before out of his
mind, focusing in the deep, husky groans that were falling from Negan’s lips.
There was still the distinct taste of Negan, the familiar, intoxicating smell
of the man. He paced himself, settling for kittenish licks against his skin
that had Negan’s melting under his hands. He dipped his tongue down to lavish
his balls with the same attention, using his saliva to wet the man’s cock as he
stroked up and down.
He traced around his balls before trailing his tongue along a thick vein that
travelled up his cock. He paused at the head, licking once, twice, then
spreading his lips to take the spongy flesh into his mouth. Negan jolted under
him, he felt the breeze of a hand moving, he glared up at him in a warning
“Shit, sorry, sorry, don’t stop.” The hand returned to dig into the armrest.
Carl continued, sucking gently at the tip, surprised by the rush of come that
drenched his tongue in the salty liquid. He swallowed it down, moving his mouth
further down the length before sliding back up. He used his hand to stroke the
parts he couldn’t reach with his mouth, letting the two meet in the middle
before dragging apart. He let his spit drip down the length, keeping his dick
nice and wet, making it easier to drive the man crazy with his touch.
His head bobbed back and forth, jaw starting to ache from the constant
pressure, he was so big inside of him. He let the head slip out of his mouth,
still connected by a trail of spit that was absurdly hot. Carl looked up at
Negan again, licking his lips to break the trail. “You taste so good.” He
spoke, voice heavy with lust.
“You’re gonna be the fuckin’ death of me.” Negan replied.
Carl grinned, resuming his strokes on the hardness. “What a way to go huh?”
Negan grinned back at him. “Fuck yeah baby.”
He took him back into his mouth, eyes closing once more, he was enjoying
himself far too much. His own dick throbbed in his pants, pleading for any
touch, hips shifting back and forth in an attempt at friction. He ignored it,
focusing on the feel of Negan slipping in and out of his lips, the sound of him
moaning his name so desperately.
“Fuck...Carl...Can I-oh fuck. Can I touch you?”
“Mmmmhmmm.” Carl’s assent vibrated on his dick, sending outrageously
pleasurable tingles up his spine. His hands moved immediately, shifting to wind
themselves into long hair, encouraging his bobbing head to move faster. He
tried not to force him, tried not to push too hard, the last thing he wanted
was to scare Carl off when he was so fucking close. A particularly deep suck
pushed his restrained, all he wanted was to fuck into the sopping heat, come
deep inside his throat. He pulse raced at the thought, the images sending his
body racing towards the edge.
“Oh yeah darlin’, that’s it… fuck…”His hips thrust up involuntarily, pushing
himself deeper into the wet heat. He was more than grateful that he didn’t
choke him, impressed that Carl just took it, slipping more into his mouth.
Negan practically jolted out of his chair when Carl took him even deeper,
swallowing around him, his throat fluttering around his cock. He let his head
fall back, the indescribable pleasure seeping through his veins erasing any
pain from hitting the hard chair back. His eyes shut against the beige ceiling
swirled with damp marks. His world fell away, his mind disappeared, his
everything became the slickness around his dick, the deviant tongue that
wrapped itself underneath the length, stroking along it with every backstroke.
“Christ, Carl…”
He was so close, so ready to release himself. He tried to warn Carl, he didn’t
want to force him to swallow if he didn’t want to. His warning went ignored,
Carl merely hummed once again and took him back into his throat. That was all
it took for his climax to rip through him, hips thrusting up as he spilt into
Carl’s mouth.
Carl rode it out, pulling back slightly to swallow down the salty liquid that
flooded his mouth. It wasn’t pleasant, in hindsight he probably only did it out
of habit. He pulled away when Negan stopped twitching, releasing the man from
his mouth. He sat back on his knees, taking a few moments to catch his breath,
his own hard-on pressed uncomfortably against his zipper. Just as he was about
to reach in and pull it out Negan spoke again.
“Jesus, Carl, where did you learn how to do that?”
Carl knew it was a joke, something that people say all the time. In another
life he’d probably consider it a compliment. In this one it just stung, he
recoiled from the man like a wounded animal. His own arousal disappearing as
disgust poisoned his stomach. “Take it deeper, all the way down.” “Lick the
head.” “ Fuck you know how to suck a dick baby.” His mind flooded with that
monster’s voice, flashing images of all the lessons he’d given Carl. Memories
of being choked, forced to take him as far down his throat until he felt like
he was going to die, all those times he’d practically begged to go down on the
man in the hopes that he wouldn’t force him to take it elsewhere. He’d never
really thought of things like that. He’d managed to keep Shane out of his
thoughts for the most part whenever he and Negan were together like this. He’d
never stopped to think that almost everything he did was because of that man,
everything he knew came from him. The way he kissed, the way he stroked Negan’s
dick, the way he… nonono. He had to stop thinking like that, he pushed himself
off the floor, rubbing at his mouth trying to ignore the familiar, bitter taste
still lingering in his mouth.
Negan’s satisfied chuckle stopped dead when his own words sunk in, eyes
widening at his own comment. They frantically looked towards Carl, the small
figure slowly putting some distance between them. “Carl,” he spoke faintly, why
the fuck did he say that? He stood, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” What the
fuck could he say? I’m sorry Carl I didn’t mean to remind you of the bastard
that raped you? The fact that you were forced to learn how to do these things.
Nausea bubbled in his stomach the more he thought about it, he was sickened to
think that he’d found pleasure in the same way that Shane had done. No, not the
same he tried to remind himself, Carl had wanted to do this. He hadn’t forced
him, he’d never force him to do anything he didn’t want to. He was fuckin’
idiot.
“It’s fine.” Carl’s voice was terse, body as tense as the words he spoke.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Carl-” Negan started again.
“It’s fine.” Carl’s voice was more forceful this time, more pleading for the
man to stop. He grabbed his bag from the floor, slinging it onto his back, this
had been such a stupid idea. “I gotta go, I’ll see ya later.” He dived out of
the door before Negan could speak again, almost racing down the corridor in an
attempt to get as far away from that office as possible. 
“Carl!” Negan’s voice chased him down the corridor, followed closely by the man
himself. “C’mon, I’ll give you a lift home.”
Carl stopped, turning to face him. “I can walk.”
“I know but you don’t have to, I’ll give you a ride, then we can talk.”
“We don’t need to talk.”
“Yes we do.”
“No we don’t.” Carl argued, the last thing he wanted was to spend the entire
journey home talking about the one thing he wanted more than anything to
forget.
“Carl please?” Negan was close to begging, he needed to make it right, he
couldn’t let Carl go like this.
Carl huffed for a moment,  a reluctant nod shifting his face, melting slightly
at the relieved smile that crossed Negan’s face.
“Okay, okay, good. Wait here, I just need to grab my shit.”
Carl watched him jog back to the office, debating whether it’d be a good idea
just to walk away. He quickly dismissed the idea, Negan would simply follow
him. So he waited, pacing the hallway mentally hitting himself for being so
stupid. He shouldn’t have let himself get into that position, fuck, he
shouldn’t have let Negan’s comment get to him. Now he’d have to deal with
feeling guilty that Negan felt guilty and it just made things more complicated.
“Ready to go?” Negan panted at him, arm full of the gym bag that he carried
around with him, Carl often wondered why he did it, he knew that the only thing
in the bag was the crappy jacket he had to wear for work. Nonetheless, he
followed the man out to his car, taking an obligatory look around to make sure
no one was watching before he slipped into the passenger side.
He stayed quiet as they drove off, watching row after row of houses slip past
them. He could feel Negan’s eyes flick over to him whenever he could. He could
see the man shift uncomfortably in his seat, fingers tapping the steering
wheel. Carl sighed before speaking, “It’s honestly fine Negan.”
“No it’s not, it was a fuckin’ stupid thing to say and I’ve upset you.”
“You haven- you didn’t upset me.” Carl paused, trying to figure out how to
explain why he’d darted out of the room. “I just- I’ve never thought about
things like that before. I never really connected the two, I know how to do
things because of Shane…” Negan’s hands tightened on the wheel when he spoke
his name, his jaw clenching. “...I can’t avoid that, it’s a habit, I can’t
unlearn it. It’s just something I have to live with.”
“I fuckin’ hate it.” Negan confessed. “It shouldn’t be that way.”
“I know but it is. It doesn’t bother me, it’s was just a shock, you know?”
“Yeah, shit, I’m sorry.”
Carl put a reassuring hand on his thigh. “Stop apologising. It’s fine, I’m
fine.”
Negan covered the hand with his own, bringing it up to his lips in a quick
kiss. “I’m sorry.” At Carl’s pointed look he continued. “I’ll stop now.”
They sat in silence, hands still linked now resting on Negan’s thigh, he’d
missed doing this, in the time since returning from Seattle Carl had been
plagued with regret over not taking full advantage of being able to touch the
man whenever he liked.
“I’ve missed you.”
Carl’s lips twitched up into a smile, at least he wasn’t the only one keenly
feeling the distance between them. “I’ve missed you too.”
“Any chance of our usual Friday night dinner this week?”
“I think I can make it work.”
“Good.” He squeezed his hand again. “How’s studying going?” Negan asked.
Grateful for the move onto safer topics Carl filled him in on his progress, not
that there was much to report. He was plodding along nicely with the material
and with Enid’s help he’d been doing alright in the practice exams that they’d
done.
“So you and Enid are getting on alright?”
“Yeah, it’s nice having her around again.”
“You guys were close huh?” Negan queried.
“Oh yeah, we’ve been friends for years. Sorry, it’s weird thinking there was a
time before you, I forget you don’t know these things.”
Negan waved it off. “I’m just glad you two are back on track.”
“Me too.” It was strange thinking back to how things were, who would’ve thought
he’d end up dating his high school coach? God, back then his Dad had been so
certain that he and Enid were destined to be together. Just the thought made
him chuckle.
“What’s so funny, Chuckles?”
“Dad, he-uh, he used to think that Enid and I were gonna be together. Always
used to push me to ask her out.”
“Huh, did you ever do it?”
“God no, she was only ever a friend, I mean we kissed once but that was just to
get the whole ‘first kiss’ thing over and done with but that’s all.”
“She was your first kiss?”
“Yeah, ages and ages ago.”
“Huh.”
Carl noticed the jaw tick again, fingers tightening on the steering wheel once
more. “What’s up?”
“Nothin’”
“Doesn’t seem like nothing.”
“It is. So anyway, you think she’s interested?”
“Interested…?”
“Y’know, in dating you. Now.”
Carl almost burst out laughing, was he really jealous? It was adorable. So
completely unnecessary but totally adorable. “Are you jealous?”
“About what?” Negan asked, the reply coming way too quickly to be considered as
anything but defensive.
“Enid.”
“Pft, no, why? Do I need to be?”
Carl did laugh at that, a deep belly laugh that only Negan could bring out of
him. He was almost hysterical by the time they reached his designated drop off
point. Even though Rick knew about them, the last thing he wanted was people in
the neighbourhood gossiping about who was dropping him off.
“Alright, you can stop the laughing thing now.” Negan spoke, shoving the car
into park.
“Okay, okay okay.” Carl said between laughs, he had to wipe the tears from his
eyes several times.
“I’m not jealous.” Negan spoke again, more to himself than to Carl.
“I know.” Carl spoke, reaching up to brush his hands though Negan’s hair. God,
he’d missed him so much. “You have no reason to be. I’m not even remotely
interested in her, not when I’ve got you.”
“Good.” Negan smiled at him, leaning over to give him a soft kiss that lingered
longer than he'd planned, unable to resist the sweet taste of his lips.
Carl sighed as they pulled away. “Friday?” He asked.
“Friday.” Negan affirmed.
They exchanged sad smiles before they parted. Carl slipping out of the car to
make the short journey back to his house. The sun pounded down on him as he
walked, he regretted wearing the long-sleeved shirt over his top, although his
usual attire it really didn’t help in the Georgia heat. He was sweating by the
time he arrived back at the house, wiping his brow of sweat as he walked into
the cool air conditioned living room.
His Dad was home, sat on the couch, elbow on his knees, head in his palms. He
had the look of a man that had lived thousands of years, that had seen far too
much. Carl wished there was more he could do to help.
“Hey Dad.” He spoke, walking further into the room.
Rick’s head snapped up, gaze focusing on Carl. “H-” He cleared his croaky
throat, how long had he been sat there? It was drier than the Sahara. “Hey
Carl, how was school?”
“Yeah, it was good. Did lots of studying.”
“Good, good. How’s Enid?”
Carl smiled, recalling his conversation with Negan. “She’s good, working hard.”
“That’s good.” Rick nodded, letting the room fall silent for a moment. He had
to tell him, better to have the conversation now than later so he took a deep
breath. “Carl, would you sit for a minute?”
That didn’t sound good Carl thought, he slowly edged further into the room,
perching on the chair opposite his Father. “What’s up?”
“Uh, well I had a call earlier. From your Mom.” He paused, taking a minute to
gauge Carl’s reaction. So far nothing bad, no screaming, no running from the
room.
“Oh,” was all Carl could say. He didn’t know what to make of it. They hadn’t
really spoken recently, a few stunted conversations on the phone but they’d
always been the result of Rick pushing Carl to get in touch with her. It was
the first time she’d actually reached out to them since she’d left. “Sooo, what
did she want?”
“Graduation. She wanted to know if you still wanted her there.”
“Of course.” His answer was instantaneous, more of an instinct that a conscious
need to have her there. It was just how it was, your parents came to your
graduation, it’s what they’d been planning for years. His response must have
been what Rick had been wanting to hear, the man visibly relaxed, leaning back
against the couch with a relieved sigh.
“Great, I’ll let her know.”
“Okay, good.” It was Carl’s turn to pause. “Do you think she should come for
dinner before then?”
Rick looked at him confused. “Why?”
“Cos we haven’t really spent time with her since… y’know. Might be good to
clear the air before the big day.”
“Oh.” Rick scratched his head. He hadn’t thought about that, he’d been too busy
thinking about Carl and his reaction that he hadn't considered the fact that it
had been months since he’d been in a room with her. “Yeah, we should probably
do that.”
They sat for a moment, lost in their own thoughts.
“Um, what do we cook?”
They looked at each other. Neither were particularly good at cooking and Carl
was certain he wouldn’t be able to get Negan to teach him that damn spaghetti
recipe in time.
“Maybe we invite her for lunch?” Rick suggested.
“Yes! Lunch is perfect.” No cooking, just sandwiches, super easy sandwiches.”
“Alright, I’ll give her a call, invite her on Saturday.”
“Awesome, I’ll be home after Negan’s.”
Rick’s face turned serious again. “Negan’s? On Saturday?”
Shit, he’d planned to be a bit more tactful about asking his permission.
“Yeeeah, I thought I’d go see him Friday night, y’know, for our usual dinner?”
“Annd you thought you’d stay the night?”
“Yeah, well it saves me driving home late at night.”
Rick gave him a ‘bullshit’ look. “So it has nothing to do with you wanting to
be with Negan all night?”
“Nothing’s gonna happen, we sleep in separate bedrooms.” Such a blatant lie, he
had several plans for the events of that evening and none of them involved the
pair of them being apart from each other.
“I’ve got the night off, thought we could spend it together.”
Rick really knew how to make him feel guilty, he had a damn puppy look on his
face. “I thought you’d be out with Daryl? You haven’t seen him in awhile.” Carl
pointed out.
The other man changed noticeably, sitting up straight again, eyes lost in a
panicked moment before settling on Carl. His face twitched weirdly before he
answered, “Oh, haven’t I?”
“Not that I’ve seen.” Carl said. “Everything alright between you two?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. He’s just been busy.”
“Too busy for you? You guys were like joined at the hip.” Carl found it hard to
believe that the pair of them would just stop hanging out.
“No we weren’t. We just hung out a bit that’s all. Anyways, haven’t you got
studying to do? I’m gonna phone your Mom.” Rick was up and off the couch before
Carl had a chance to question him further. He stared after the man, wondering
for the thousandth time what was up with him.
***********
The drive to Negan’s seemed to take forever, his fingers tapping at the wheels
as he sped along the roads. Thoughts of his Dad and Daryl had occupied his
thoughts the whole journey. He’d asked his Dad about it again, curious to know
why they weren’t hanging out again but he’d been dismissed quickly enough,
practically shoved out of the front door with the car keys. It was a puzzle, he
wondered if something had happened whilst he’d been away. Romantic or a fight?
There was definitely a hint of something more there, or at least Carl thought
anyways. They were definitely closer than most friends, definitely closer than
Rick had ever been with Shane he was glad to say.
Thoughts of his Dad and Daryl slipped away with each mile, he couldn’t wait to
get back into Negan’s arms, back to the cabin that he loved almost as much as
he loved the man that owned it. He grinned the second the cabin slid into view,
Negan’s favorite bike parked out front, the lights making the cabin glow in the
darkness. He breathed in the fresh summer air when he stepped out of the car, a
wave of ease fell over his body, every step towards the house was like stepping
away from the stress he’d been under. He could feel his face light up when the
door opened, the lights inside illuminating the figure standing in the doorway.
The figured stepped towards him, meeting him just as he reached the last step
on the porch. He vaguely heard Negan mumble out “‘bout damn time” before his
mind went blank and his lips were caught up in a kiss that had his knees weak
and his hands clutching at strong shoulders. He sank into it, letting Negan
push him back against the pillar that framed the porch, his palms burning a
heat through his clothes into the small of his back.
It became apparent their last encounter had only just taken the edge of the
tension that had been building since they returned from their trip. It wasn’t
long before Carl was hard in his jeans and desperate to get the other man as
naked as possible in the shortest time. He pushed harder into the kiss, tugging
at Negan’s lower lip with his teeth, lust surging at the animalistic growl from
the other man. Hands clutched at his ass, yanking him closer before roving to
tangle in his hair. Carl’s hands met Negan’s skin with the same feverish
passion, pushing under clothing to scratch lightly over flesh. His hands went
everywhere, unable to focus on one part of the man, they scraped down his back,
caressed over his hips, trailed the hair that dipped teasingly under his
waistband.
They broke for air, chest heaving as they dragged breath back into their lungs.
Their eyes met in a heated gaze, lips teasing back together before withdrawing,
needing air but unwilling to lose complete contact with one another.
“Hi…” Carl breathed out.
“Hi.” Negan grinned down at him, pulling him in for another breathtaking kiss.
“Mmmm, you planning on letting me in the house anytime soon?” Carl asked when
his lips were released.
“I dunno, I kinda like you where you are.” He looked damn well edible. Blue
eyes lit with a fire that did nothing to quell the urge to take him right
there, those deliciously pink lips that were beautifully plump at the best of
times now looked even more decadent, it threw his mind back to exactly what
those lips had been doing only days ago. Just the thought nearly had him
bending Carl over the porch fence. He inhaled sharply, stepping away from the
teen, “Let’s get you inside.”
Carl pouted, body protesting the sudden loss of Negan against him. He had more
self-restraint than Carl ever gave him credit for.
“Stop with the pouting.” Negan called over his shoulder. He knew better than to
turn around to look at Carl, that damn pout got him every time and the last
thing he wanted was to freak Carl out by throwing him down and taking him right
there on the porch.
“Why? It usually gets me what I want.”
Carl’s voice followed him into the kitchen, Little shit, of course he knew what
he was doing with those tempting lips of his. Kid was more deviant than he
fucking thought. “‘Cos we gotta eat before I fuck your brains out.”
Carl swallowed around the lump in his throat, lust jolting through his stomach
at the man’s blunt words. “How responsible of you.” He tried to cover the
effect those words had on him. The wicked grin on Negan’s face did nothing to
stop the lust that tugged at him.
“I try, now sit that lovely ass of yours down.”
He did as told, taking what had quickly become ‘his seat’ at the table in the
kitchen. He loved these little moments of domesticity, loved watching the
‘hard-ass’ persona fall away from Negan to be replaced by the gentle, funny
domestic God. In the past it had made him melancholy, jealous of all the lovers
in Negan’s past that had seen him this way. He was bitterly jealous of Lucille
who had been able to call the man her husband, had been able to celebrate their
love so publicly in front of the people they cared about. He, on the other
hand, had to settle for hurried meetings whenever he could squeeze him in. The
only thing that lifted his spirits was the new reality that he and Negan would
soon be able to have that. There was the new hope that he and Negan would be
able to do this every night, that there was a future for them that had them
together.
“Allllriight, I hope you’re ready for this, might taste like pure shit.” The
man said, placing the plates of his latest creation at the table.
Carl wrinkled his nose at the analogy, not a great way to inspire an appetite.
“Looks great.” He forced an enthusiastic tone. It most definitely looked like
shit, he couldn’t quite make out exactly what it was supposed to be.
“It’s risotto.” Negan filled in.
“Huh.” Carl scooped some onto his fork, bringing it towards him for a close
examination. “Are you sure?”
Negan flipped him the finger. “Just eat it.”
It tasted as bad as it looked. Clumps of sticky rice tinged with a bitter,
burnt flavor that almost had him gagging. He forced down the bite he’d taken,
face turning up in disgust as it made his way down his throat. Negan had the
same look on his face, his handsome features crinkled at the taste of his own
creation.
“That’s fuckin’ vile.”
“Yeah, not your best work.” Carl admitted. “Not the worst thought.” He added
thinking of the crisp turkey that they’d attempted on their first Christmas
together. His stomach tingled at the thought of them having more Christmases
together, more kisses under the tree, cooking dinner together.
“So I know that little smile ain’t about my risotto, what’re you thinkin’
about?”
“Oh, nothing.” Carl covered, cheeks flushing, the last thing he wanted was to
admit was the ridiculously cheesy daydreams that frequented his mind.
Negan cocked his eyebrow, tongue poking into his cheek. “Nothin’? Really?”
“Yep.” His eyes shot down to his plate, toying with the food.
“Huh.” Negan’s chair screeched as the man pushed it back. Carl heard his
footsteps inch closer to him, before his nose filled with the smoky, cologne
Negan wore. Hot breath steamed his ear, heat pressed against his back. “What’s
it gonna take for me to get that outta you?”
“You’ll never get it out of me.” His breath hitched at the lips that ghosted
across his earlobe. Breathing harder when they slipped over his neck.
“You sure about that?”
His resolve weakened the more those lips flickered over his skin, eyes
fluttered closed when teeth nipped at the base of his neck. He allowed his head
to fall back, resting on
Negan shoulder, giving him more access to the pale skin. “Ye-yess.” He
breathed.
Taking his words as a challenge Negan decided to up his game, bringing his palm
down to dip under Carl’s neckline, fingers slowly plucking each button open on
it’s way down
Carl’s body. “Hmmm, I’m sure I can think of something…” His palm splayed
possessively across the flat of his stomach, small finger teasing underneath
his waistband. He felt the sharp intake of air when he slid his hand lower,
barely brushing over Carl’s cock through his jeans. “This workin’?”
“It’s definitely doing something.” He hated how breathy his voice was, hardly
audible amongst his puff’s of air. Such a simple touch that had his pulse
racing, body tingling with an impatient need. His teeth dug into his lower lip,
the pain only adding to his excitement. He watched as the large hand flicked
open the button on his jeans, breath heaving in anticipation as it slid the
metal zipper down.
Brrrrrriiing
Carl nearly threw his phone across his room.
Negan chuckled in his ear, removing his hands from Carl. “You better get that.”
“Hey Dad.” Trying his bed to keep the shaky quiver out of his voice. “What’s
up?”
Negan resumed his seat whilst Carl talked with his Dad, as much as he wanted to
finish what he’d started even he wasn’t as perverted to continue whilst he was
on the phone to his father. So he watched the conversation play out. He was
disappointed to see the beautifully pink flush leave Carl as the conversation
went on, he’d have to work on bringing thatback. It was a quick conversation,
Carl only mumbling a few “okays.” and “sure, Dad.” before the phone clicked off
and it was just the two of them again.
“So, my Mom’s coming to visit tomorrow.” Carl said.
Negan cocked a brow at him, “Really? What brought that on?”
“Graduation, she wants to come and I thought it’d be a good idea for us all to
get together before the big day.”
“Wow, big step, how are you feeling about it.”
Carl sat back in his chair, rubbing his hands through his hair. He really had
no idea. “It’s weird, I’ve missed her but… I dunno, I think I’m more worried
about my Dad. However hard this is for me it’s gotta be worse for him.”
“Yeah, can’t be easy to see her after everything.”
“Did you see Lucille much after your divorce?” Although his parents hadn’t
mentioned the D-word, he was fairly certain they were headed that way.
Negan gave a heavy sigh, remember those days wasn’t the easiest thing to do,
not just because he’d been drunk outta his mind for the most part. “A few
times, it was never easy. All those emotions that were still between us made it
harder.”
Carl swallowed before asking, “Are they still there?”
“No, God, no. I mean, I’ll always care about her, she was a huge part of my
life but it’s all said and done. If I saw her tomorrow it’d be more like seeing
an old friend.”
“Do you think it’s still there for my parents.”
“Probably.” Negan admitted. “I don’t know much about them but I’m gonna assume
they loved each other, that doesn’t just go away in an instant.”
Carl wasn’t sure if they did still love each other, even when they were married
there was a hint of coldness between them, a falsity that they all ignored in
favor of pretending that they were still normal.
“It’s gonna be awkward as fuck Carl, I’m not gonna lie to you, just be there
for you Dad, that’s all you can do.”
“I don’t even know what to talk to her about, I mean, yeah we’ll talk about
school but then what? What if she wants to talk about what happened with Shane?
We’ve not really spoken about it.”
“If you don’t wanna talk about it then just tell her that. No one, not even
your mother, has the right to force you to talk about it.”
“I guess. It’s just a stress I didn’t wanna deal with right now.”
Negan stood from the table, pushing his chair back before moving around to join
Carl, he held his hand out to him. “C’mon, let’s go.”
Carl grabbed his hand and followed him to the couches. He considered settling
himself in his usual corner but his softer side won out and he ended up
snuggled up against Negan, settling under his arm.
“Let’s talk.”
“About what?” Carl asked, absentmindedly playing with Negan’s hand, a nervous
habit that he hadn’t managed to kick.
“Whatever it is your stressed about.”
“It’s just school.” Carl said.
“Uh-huh, you sure about that?”
Carl shifted out from his arm to turn and glare at him. “What do you think I’m
stressed about then?”
“I dunno, you just seem a lot more stressed that school can cause. Especially
given the fact that you keep saying that you’re getting on alright with the
work. So what’s really goin’ on in that brain of yours?”
“I really hate how insightful you are at times.” Carl huffed, falling back to
settle against Negan again.
“It’s a real burden.” He poked Carl. “So spill.”
“It’s… it’s hard… studying on my own. God, being on my own is hard.”
“Why?”
“The memories.” Almost too simplified a statement, he couldn’t describe it. It
was more than a memory, more like being haunted by the past. Memories faded, he
could hardly remember things that had happened a month ago, but everything with
Shane… it lingered inside of him. He felt everything again, the ghost of the
pain, humiliation and betrayed still occupied a part of his soul, left it
blackened and decaying. “They creep in when I’m on my own. I can’t think of
anything else at times, I just keep reliving it all over and over. My bedroom,
my house, this whole damn town, it’s a constant reminder of all the shit that
happened.”
Negan inhaled deeply, taking in his words. He hadn’t realised how much Carl was
still suffering, the teen was too good at covering things up. “Have you told
anyone about it?”
Carl shook his head. “Just you. Dad’s been acting weird lately, I don’t wanna
bother him with another reminder of what happened.”
“How long has it been goin’ on for?”
“I dunno, might just been the stress of exams.”
“Probably, stress fucks with your head but… it might be worth talking to
someone about it Carl.”
Carl tensed against Negan. “Someone professional?”
“Not necessarily”
Great, now he thought he was fucking crazy. “I don’t need help.”
Sensing the tension, Negan added. “I’m not saying you need help, I’m saying it
might make things easier. To talk to someone else, someone who isn’t so
involved in the situation.”
“Maybe, I’ll think about it.”
Negan kissed his temple. “Alright. Wanna talk about it with me?”
“Not really.” Carl admitted. “I don’t like tainting our time together by
talking about that shit. It ruins things.”
“Carl it doesn’t taint us, I want you to be able to talk to me about these
things.”
“I don’t mind talking to you but… we spend so little time together I don’t
wanna talk about shit, I wanna focus on us.”
“Okay, but if you do wanna talk-”
“Yes yes, I’ll talk to you. It's really nothing, just stupid thoughts every now
and again.”
“Good.”
Carl sunk into his body again, relaxing once more. “I’ll be glad when these
finals are over, they’re doing my head in.”
Negan brought his hands up to Carl’s shoulders massaging the tension he found
there. He felt Carl melt into his hands, his head rolling back to rest on his
shoulder. He left a trail of barely-there kisses along to porcelain skin, just
ghosting his lips along the surface, the teen shivered at the touch, arching
his neck further. He watched Carl’s chest rise and fall, breathing coming
harder  when he found that spot at the base of his neck that always had Carl
moaning. As if on cue the teen let out a soft moan with his teeth toyed at the
spot. “Want some distracting?”
“Yes please.” He just about managed to sigh his words out before Negan’s lips
found his. His body twisted, turning to face the other man, hands coming up to
cup the stubbled chin, holding his lips firm against him. Each kiss chipped
away at the darkness that had sunk into him with their conversation, it floated
him away from the nightmare of his exams. He lost himself in the slow caress of
tongue against tongue, allowing Negan’s to slip between the seam of his lips.
The distraction worked, all he could think about now was the feel of Negan
against him, the way his hand covered half his neck, thumb smoothing over his
jaw, the way the other tangled in his hair lightly tugging to shift Carl’s face
to where he wanted it. He could tell Negan was holding back, taking his time
drawing soft moans from him with lingering kisses, exploring every inch of his
mouth with his tongue. His own hands found purchase against Negan’s chest,
steadying himself against the torrent of need that was making him dizzy.
He just about managed to draw a quick breath as their lips split before Negan’s
assaulted his again, this time with the voracity of a man starving, as if the
kiss prior was a mere appetiser for what he really wanted. The onslaught had
Carl clutching at broad shoulders, the lust that had slowly been burning in him
sparked up into an insatiable need. He shifted himself back, pulling at his
shoulders to tug the man on top of him, wrapping his arms and legs around him
to lock them together.
Negan didn’t leave an inch of space between them, chests flush against one
another, heat burning through the shirts that cruelly kept their flesh apart.
He briefly thought about pulling them off but the thought of abandoning the
soft, warm lips, the wet heat of Carl’s mouth, was unthinkable, like depriving
himself of the air he needed to live. So he settled for tugging Carl’s shirt
up, lifting it as high as he could so he could explore the exquisite skin
beneath.
Carl shuddered under him, his own hands delving under white cotton to find the
tanned skin underneath, wiry hair prickled at his fingers reminding Carl of how
it felt against his own chest, scratching against him deliciously when he
fucked him. He loved seeing it covered in his come, loved tasting the salty
liquid on his skin. It was decadent, a filthy pleasure that had Carl growing
even harder at the thought, his cock getting heavier between his legs, pressing
up hard against the dip of Negan’s hip.
Negan twirled their fingers together, interlocking them above Carl’s head. He
broke away from his lips, taking his time looking over the body beneath him.
He’d positioned the teen’s arms to display his body perfectly, chest arching
slightly to relieve the pressure on his shoulders. Self-satisfaction rolled
through him at the sight of that gorgeous pink flush that spread over Carl’s
face, dripping down his neck to dip underneath where his shirt had bunched up,
it spread over his chest framing his nipples in a way that was too enthralling
to resist.
His lips toyed with one bud, kissing it tenderly, teasing it to hardness with
soft, incessant licks that had Carl mewling under him. He was unrelenting in
his assault, sharp teeth nipping at each bud, alternating between the two,
driving one to the point of over-sensitivity before he slipped over to lavish
the other with the same attention. Each suck had Carl rolling his hips up
against him, he could feel his cock leaking against his jeans, yearning for a
release that wouldn’t come.
He yanked at Negan’s head, forcing his lips back up to his. They met with a
ferocity, thirsty for another taste of each other, devouring the other with a
ravenous hunger Negan’s own thick hardness pressed against his stomach, hips
rocking into the soft flesh there. It filled Carl with a yearning, body aching
to have him back inside of him, it had been far too long.
“Mmm, bed. Now.” Negan ordered against his lips, tearing away to stand in front
of Carl, his restraint was falling fast.
“Thought it was a fantasy of yours to screw on the couch?” Carl panted, body
not quite convinced the move to the bed was worth the delay in getting Negan
inside of him. “Something about me riding your dick here?” The noise that came
from Negan at that was borderline animalistic and did nothing to quell the lust
raging in him. He bit his lip, leaning back down hoping to tempted Negan back
on top of him. 
“Fuckin’ tease.” Negan rasped out, as tempted as he was by the damn evil
tactics he’d left the lube upstairs and there was no way in hell that he was
doin’ anything without that. Sensing that Carl wasn’t gonna move himself he
reached down and grabbed the teen, hoisting him up and over his shoulder. The
sputtering protests had him laughing as he headed towards the staircase.
“Seriously? Are you a caveman or what?” Carl blurted out, trying to keep steady
as he was jostled around.
“I like to think I’m a bit more well-groomed than a fucking caveman.”
“I wouldn’t be too sure of that.” Carl retorted, eyes widening when his comment
earned him a sharp slap on ass. The burn resonated through his body, he was
shocked by the thrill the smack sparked inside of him, lust flaring as the not-
entirely unpleasurable pain faded away. He really was warped in the head. Why
on earth would he enjoy something like that ? Then again Negan wouldn’t have
done it if he didn’t enjoy doing it and he had said before that people enjoyed
that sort of thing. Surely he wouldn’t though, not after everything. When Shane
had hit him it made him feel nothing but the fear and pain, it definitely
didn’t make him want to beg for more like Negan had. Just one simple spank had
him harder than he'd been in his life, had him craving more of that burn. 
Unaware of the turmoil fluttering through the teen, Negan replied. “Don’t be
rude.”
Carl was still arguing with himself when he was tossed onto the bed, the sudden
drop forced his mind back to the present. His thoughts disappeared as watched
Negan strip himself at the edge of the bed, dick twitching as more tanned skin
was revealed. He licked his lips at the sight of his muscular body, eyes
following the man’s hand as he unbuckled his belt. A brief thought of removing
his own clothes disappeared as quickly as it came, mind going blank at the
magnificent sight before him. He was like a piece of art, sculpted muscles on
his arms, black curls covered his chest, trailing down to the hard cock that
stood thick and proud between his thighs.
Negan’s cocky grin only exacerbated the hunger inside him, eyes catching on the
hand that wrapped itself around the hardness that Carl coveted so badly. He was
envious as he watched it stroke up and down the hard flesh, mesmerised by the
droplets of pre-cum that appeared at the head. He didn’t notice the other hand
wrap around his own ankle, only realising when he was suddenly tugged down the
bed, bringing him closer to the man. His jeans were pulled open before being
yanked down his legs, the sudden cold on his legs spurred him back into action.
He quickly pulled his shirt over his head, arms reaching out to welcome Negan
back on top of him.
He let him slip between his thighs, meeting his lips in a languid kiss, letting
their tongues twirl around each other slowly. Negan’s mouth diverted down to
his neck, eliciting decadent moans from Carl’s kiss-swollen lips at each harsh
suck, each gentle nip. His hips twitched involuntarily as Carl tugged at his
hair, pulling the strands to direct his head towards his collar.
“What do you want?” Negan’s voice was hot against his cheek, mouth working its
way along Carl’s jaw to hover over his lips. The man’s eyes flooded with a
daring glint, he wasn’t going to give in that easily.
“You, always you.”
“How do you want me?” His hands dug into Carl’s hips, stopping the undulations
against his.
“Negan...” Carl pleaded, just what did the man want from him? He was already
starved for any touch and he’d already made it very clear exactly whathe
wanted.
Negan’s lips covered his again, teeth nipping at his lower lip, suckling on it
softly when he was finished. “Tell me Carl, tell me what you need and I’ll give
it to you.”
Carl flushed, stomach twinging with something that wasn’t totally
embarrassment. “I-I want you to touch me.”
“Where?” The question came quickly.
“You know where.” Carl replied, hips trying to wriggle out of the tight hold on
them. He was so hard, so aching for any kind of friction between his legs.
“Please Negan.”
The begging nearly did him in. Nearly. He wanted Carl to admit it, wanted him
to own his own pleasure, let him take control as he had done when he’d accosted
Negan in the gym. “Tell.” He tugged Carl’s lower lip. “Me.” 
Carl’s eyes flickered up to Negan’s, wavering under the fierce gaze, he felt
himself flush. He broke when Negan allowed his body to dip slightly, offering
the briefest pressure between his legs. “M-my cock, please Negan.”
A pleasurable victory danced through Negan, he rewarded Carl with a harsh kiss,
grinding a bit harder between those gorgeous thighs. “Good boy.” He shifted his
weight, one arm propping him up next to Carl’s head, the other wrapping around
the hardness that had been pressing against his hip.
The praise had Carl tingling harder than the contact on his cock, he shuddered
under the deliberately slow strokes, eyes closing to bask in the pleasure.
“Is this enough?” Negan teased, he wanted to see how far he could push this.
“N-no.” Carl murmured, “Faster, please.”
Negan did as told, moving his hand faster on the flesh, curving over the head
to collect the moisture gathering there, using it to smooth the friction.
“Better?”
“Yes, yes, god yes.” Carl rocked his hips faster, fucking himself into the
tight grip.
“Is this how you wanna come?” Negan asked, watching the pleasure contort Carl’s
face. “With my hand around your cock?”
“No, n-oh.” The hand tightened, drawing out a sharp gasp of pleasure.
“Then how?”
“I wan…” He could hardly speak, his mouth dry from the heavy breaths, the
pleasure soaring through his body driving him crazy. It’s so good, as always,
just the feel of his hand against him drove him closer to the edge.
“C’mon baby, tell me.” His teeth nipped at Carl’s earlobe, his own breath
coming faster at the sight of the teen writhing so beautifully underneath him.
He’d never get over the sight, no fantasy could ever match up to the glorious
image.
He dragged Negan’s head back to meet his eyes, flashing dangerously in a
warning to stop the teasing. “Fuck me.” He spoke out between clenched teeth
before arching up to take Negan’s lips again. A pleased sound rumbled through
Negan, he kissed him harder, wanting to erase the smugness, wanting to make him
as desperate for him as he was.
It took more strength that he thought he had to pull away from Carl, reaching
up to grab the lube he kept in his side table, fumbling several times as Carl
lavished wet kisses along the side draped over him, nipping lower to drag his
tongue over his hip bone. He almost shouted in victory when he finally grasped
the small bottle, shifting his weight back to kneel between Carl’s legs.
Squeezing a generous amount of the cool liquid onto his hand, he chucked the
bottle to the side, using the same hand to firmly grasp a slender thigh, hiking
it up to expose the tight hole nestled under full balls.
The flush on Carl’s chest darkened to a passionate red, matching the shade of
his abused nipples. He wanted nothing more than to hide away from the
penetrating stare, Negan’s hungry eyes fixating between his legs. He flinched
away from the cold lube when it hit his overheated skin, he closed his eyes
when one wet finger probed his hole, teasing around the edge before easing
inside. Air rushed into his empty lungs and for a moment Carl thought that it
was all gonna be over in a matter of seconds when Negan dragged said finger
over that spot inside of him that made him see stars. A embarrassingly high-
pitched whine left his mouth when he did it again, hips grinding down hard
trying to force that finger back into place. He was bereft when the digit left
him, only consoled by Negan’s hushing and the soft lips that met his again.
The second Negan’s tongue plundered inside his welcoming mouth, two fingers
found their way between his cheeks, pushing inside with the same veracity as
his tongue. Carl cried out at the sudden stretch, breathing hard at the
pleasurable burn from his muscles.
“You alright?” Negan asked.
“Yes, yes, don’t stop.” Carl moaned back. It felt too good, the burning
mingling with the addictive pleasure of having Negan back inside him. The
fingers scissored again, getting him ready to take what he’d been begging for.
“You want more darlin’?” Negan teased a third finger around the rim.
“Mmmm, please, more.” He begged, gasping when he got what he asked for. Three
fingers worked their way inside of him, spreading the wetness. He tugged at
Negan’s hair, drawing him down to his neck, wanting to feel that hot mouth on
his skin once more. He knows he’s babbling at him, vague mumbles of yesyes god
Negan yes, fuck me, fuck me, fuck mespill from his lips over and over again. It
impossible to imagine anyone else driving him this crazy, making him feel so
many things at once.
“Orr…” Negan dragged out, licking a long line from his clavicle to his chin,
nipping at the skin there. “...did you want something else.” He pointedly
pressed his hips against ass, dick pressing hard against him.
“Yesyeyesyes.” Carl moaned at him, clutching at his shoulders, nails digging in
wherever they could reach, hips canting up to grind against Negan’s abs. “I’m
ready, so ready, please.”
“Please what?” He couldn’t help himself, he loved how utterly wrecked Carl was,
loved hearing his desperate pleas for more.
There was no hesitation this time just a quick, needy, “Please fuck me.”
A possessive growl left Negan, he sat up, fingers leaving the warm body below
him. Carl’s bereft wail nearly had him sliding straight inside him. He had to
take a deep breath, jaw clenching, as he tried to control his impulses. He
quickly grabbed the lube again, pouring a more than generous amount over
himself, slicking his dick with the wetness, his eyes nearly rolled back at
finally getting some friction on his dick. He’d been so good, trying to make it
all about Carl he’d almost forgotten about his own raging need.
Carl couldn’t look away, watching the hand strip his cock, it was obscenely
wet, the head a darker red than the rest of him. He licked his lips, mouth
watering as he remembered how it felt in his mouth, so hard and delicious. It
had barely fit, only the pleasurable buzz from Negan’s reaction encouraged him
to fit more in his mouth. He couldn’t wait to do it again, he started sitting
up so he could wrap his lips around the lenght but Negan quickly pushed him
back. His wet hand immediately slipped back between his legs, spreading the
liquid inside of him, making a sopping wet mess of him as he quickly dipped his
fingers back inside.  
They left him as quickly as they came, he felt Negan shift himself before a
bigger pressure appeared at his hole. His eyes flickered open, gazing into
Negan’s lust-blown pupils, their breathing was almost in-sync, both panting
hard. Negan’s brow cocked up, tilting his head in a silent appeal for consent.
Carl quickly nodded, hands slipping on sweat-slicked biceps as he dragged his
arms up to Negan’s neck, pulling him closer as the man slipped inside of him.
Negan went insufferably slow, hips shifting in small circles to work his way
inside Carl. It was insufferable, as much as he appreciated the care the man
took, Carl just wanted him inside him, wanted to feel every thick inch fill
him. He shifted, a desperate moan escaping his lips, trying to appeal to the
man to move faster.
Negan hushed him, “Easy, I’m not rushing this.”
Carl pouted, hands slipping down his back to clutch his ass, squeezing the firm
flesh in his palms. He held it firm, rocking his own hips up to push him inside
that little bit faster.
“You little fuckin-oh”
This time Carl smirked when his actions inspired the man to shove more inside
of him, before a hard moan was forced out of him as he was finally filled.
“That better for you darlin’?” Negan questioned, panting heavily as he tried to
control the urge to just pound into the wet heat.
“Fuck yeah, finally.” Carl replied, satisfied that he’d finally gotten his way.
“Can’t help that you’re so desperate for my cock.”
Carl moaned at his words, he was such a bastard tormenting him. “Then you
better give it to me.” A weak attempt at a come back but it was all his mind
could think up.
Negan smirked down at him, eyes glinting at the challenge. “Don’t worry you’ll
fuckin’ get it.” With that he withdrew from the tight heat, body bemoaning the
loss of heat before shoving himself back inside.
Each hard thrust drew fervent moans from the teen, the ridges of Negan’s cock
dragging against his hole brought an indescribable pleasure. His legs spread
wider, desperate to take more inside of him, he’d never get enough of him.
Every inch inside of him felt right, like it was filling a void that he didn’t
realise existed. He clutched frantically at Negan, holding on as the pace
increased, the man fucking him harder than they’d done before. He felt as if
his world was shattering around him, the world fell away until all that was
left was the pair of them in this bed.
Negan’s lips teased over his own, breath puffing hard against his lips, their
foreheads pressed together, eyes locking. “Christ Carl.” His eyes squeezed
shut, pleasure rolling through him with each deep plunge into the tight hole.
He shifted his head to bury in the crook of Carl’s neck, fucking harder into
him, each feverish moan drove him on. “You’re so fuckin’ tight.I love you,
fuckin’ love you.” His own mumblings were halted by groans but he couldn’t
stop, he wanted Carl to know how good he felt, how perfect he was.
“Fuck, fuck fuck.” Carl moaned, the teeth biting at his neck doing nothing to
quell the heat building inside him, his balls tightening as he was thrust
towards his climax. He scratched his way down Negan's back, digging them in
deep against the smooth flesh of his ass. He used his grip to push his hips
harder against his, encouraging the punishing thrusts that made his body soar
with pleasure. “God, Negan, I’m gonna come.”
“That’s it baby.” Negan’s thrust turned rougher, pounding all the harder into
Carl, spurring him on. He knew he wasn't gonna last much long not with the way
Carl's body was squeezing his dick. “C’mon darlin' come for me.”
Carl tugged his lips back to his own, smashing them together as his climax
roared through him. He moaned desperately into his lips, body squeezing a tight
grip on the hardness still thrusting inside of him. He came harder than he’d
ever done, mind lost in the pleasure that only increased when he felt the other
man tense, deep groans vibrated against his lips as he filled him with his own
release.
He wrapped an arm over Negan’s shoulders as the man recovered, heavy breaths
puffed against his sticky neck, tangling a hand into his hair. He basked in the
glow, the sheer contentment of being so surrounded by the man he loved. “Love
you.” He rasped, throat too dry to talk normally.
A muffled reply came into his shoulder, he felt hot kisses press against him
before Negan slowly pulled out. Just about shifting his weight from Carl to
flop against the teen’s shoulder, keeping his face buried in the crook of his
neck.
“Ugh, why’s it so messy?” Carl mumbled, shifting uncomfortably as he felt come
leave him.
Negan chuckled in reply, murmuring against Carl’s neck, “All the best things in
life are messy.”
“Easy for you to say,” Carl retorted, “you don’t have a gallon of come dripping
out of you.”
“So overdramatic.”
“Shut it.” Carl said, slipping out from Negan’s arms, grimacing as the sticky
fluid trailed down his thighs. “I’m gonna go wash up.”
“Want some company?” Negan asked, burying his face into the pillow Carl had
just left.
Carl rolled his eyes, as if it wasn’t completely obvious that he was gonna fall
asleep within two seconds. He let him off the hook. “Nah, you sleep, I’ll be
back in a sec.”
“Mm’kay,” came Negan’s sleepy response.
Carl gazed at him adoringly for a moment before another trail down his leg had
him racing into the shower.
***********
The hard thud of something hard and boney hitting his chest woke him up, it dug
into his pecs, sharp and painful. His eyes burst open, arms instinctively
reaching out to grab whatever was hurting him, his hands encircled something,
arms? He fought the sleep out of his brain, trying to figure out what was going
on in the dark room. Carl? The moans reached his ears second, desperate,
distressing cries emanated from the figure next to him. “Nonono, leave me
alone, please.”
Negan pushed himself away reaching out to flick the light on, his eyes landed
on Carl in the bed, pale as a ghost, sweat glistened on his face which was
twisted in as if in pure agony. He shuffled closer, arms reaching out to wake
him, the second his fingertips touched him Carl lashed out again, hands hitting
out at Negan’s arms, pushing him back. Negan grabbed at them, hating himself
for the tight grip, he had to stop him from hurting himself. “Carl…” He tried.
“No, LET ME GO.” Carl shouted at him, hitting out as much as he could. He had
to get away, he couldn’t do this, not again.
“CARL.” Negan shook him hard.
His shout broke through, Carl stopped, frozen in the moment. His eyes, wet with
tears, finally looked at Negan, recognition filling them. “Oh,” was all the
teen could say before he pulled himself free of Negan’s grip. He threw himself
out of bed, walking fast into the bathroom. He walked straight to the basin,
the ice cold water stung at his face as he splashed it over himself. It was a
welcome wake-up from the nightmare that had gripped him that evening.
“I thought you said it was nothing?” He confronted Carl in the bathroom.
Carl looked at him in the reflection of the mirror above the basin, still
panting hard as he tried to calm his racing heart. He didn’t want to do this
right now, all he wanted was to stop the images from seeping back into his
mind. “It is nothing.”
Negan scoffed at that. “Bull-fuckin’-shit Carl, that wasn’t nothing. How long
has this been going on for?”
He didn’t want to lie to him just as much as he didn’t want to admit that the
nightmares still tormented him most nights. He’d been lucky so far, Rick had
been out working nights a lot recently so he hadn’t had to deal with his
Father’s concerns, and until this point he’d only ever slept peacefully when
beside Negan.
“Carl?” Negan prompted again.
“Awhile.” He begrudgingly admitted. “But it’s nothing, just a nightmare.”
“A nightmare? Carl, you were freaking out there.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Carl pleaded. “C’mon let’s go back to bed.”
He approached Negan, offering his hand with a hopeful smile.
“No way, not until you tell me the truth.”
His hand dropped, defeated. “I haven’t lied to you. It’s been going on awhile,
but it’s nothing, just a few nightmares here and there.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? We could’ve talked about it?”
“Talked about what?” Carl could feel the anger building in him, the man was all
about talking. Didn’t he understand there were some things that he couldn't
talk about. Some things that pained him so much that he just wanted them
buried. “About the guy that used to rape me? All the horrible, degrading things
he used to make me do? About the fact that I can’t escape seeing it all over
again every damn night? Is that what you wanna talk about?”
“Maybe it would he-”
“Help? How on earth would it help?”
“I don’t know Carl.” Negan was shouting back at this point. “I don’t know what
the fuck I’m doing here, I’m just trying to help.”
“Well talking about it isn’t going to help.”
“How would you know we never talk about it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s not always about what you want Carl.”
“You don’t need to remind me of that.” Carl pointed out.
“Car-”
“I’m gonna go sleep on the couch.” Carl interrupted, the angry tension crackled
between them. He was done with this discussion.
“Carl-”

“No, can we not do this now? I’m exhausted, I just wanna sleep.” He was
practically begging by the last words. His body ached as much as his mind did,
he needed to just sleep.
“Fine, we’ll talk in the morning.”

Carl nodded, stepping past the man to head back down the stairs. The couch
didn’t bring him the usual comfort that night, he fell into an uneasy sleep
thinking of the man sleeping above him, hoping the nightmares would stay away
for a few hours.
***********
He left before Negan was awoke, leaving a small note on the kitchen counter to
let him know that he’d left. It was cowardly, he should’ve stayed and talked
things through but he just couldn’t, not right now, not with all the other shit
going on.
Stepping out of the car, he heard the sounds of arguing before he’d even
reached the front door. A familiar sound that he’d been so sure that he’d never
hear again after his Mother’s departure from the house. How wrong he’d been. He
unlocked the door, readying himself to play mediator in this argument, stopping
short when he caught sight of his Mother.
Shock couldn’t quite cover how he felt in the moment, there the world went
again, shifting out from under his feet leaving him falling into the abyss. He
blinked, eyes trying to focus on exactly what he was seeing. His mouth flopped
open uselessly. “Y-you… uh… you’re…” Words just wouldn’t come. His mind racing
at a thousand miles an hour yet unable to formulate any kind of thought that
would help him.
“Carl…” Lori spoke.
His eyes flicked over to his Father, resolutely turned away from the pair of
them, hand covering his face like he always did when he was deep in thought. It
usually happened when Carl had something that had pissed him off and confused
him simultaneously. At least he could rule out his Dad knowing, he was clearly
as stumped as he was. He returned his gaze to his Mom, eyes drawn down to the
bump that hadn’t been there last time he’d seen her, or had it? Had he missed
it? How far along was she? “W-what… how...who…” the questions fell as quickly
as they came. The room filled with an tense silence, the clock ticking away in
the background.
“I’m about 6 months along,” Lori broke the silence, eyes darting to the ground
as a protective hand rested on her swollen belly. “That vacation on New Years…”
New Years… he slammed his eyes shut on the memory of what he’d been doing
during that vacation.
“So it’s mine?” Rick questioned, even Carl could hear the anger littered in his
voice.
“Yes.” Lori replied. “There’s not been anyone else, not recently.”
Carl flinched at the guilty look she sent his way, stomach churning harder with
each second. He didn’t need all these reminders. He was tired, he wanted his
bed, he wanted to curl up and forget the last 24 hours. He wanted to be back in
that hotel room, in Negan’s arms, wanted to feel that semblance of normality
again. “I-this is just- I don’t…”
He backed away, stumbling out of the door to the familiar sound of his name
echoing behind him.
 
***** Running from myself *****
Chapter Notes
     Ooook, so some of you might have seen this when I uploaded it last
     week but I noticed a few errors so I took it down to deal with them.
     So here's the updated, slightly better version! I know I said this
     would be the penultimate chapter but there's actually one more (I
     promise!) then it'll be the final chapter. That should be up fairly
     soon. Can't believe we're nearly at the end!
     Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and kudos, they keep me
     going!
 “Love is supposed to be based on trust, and trust on love, it's something rare
 and beautiful when people can confide in each other without fearing what the
                          other person will think.” 
                              - E.A. Bucchianeri
===============================================================================
                                        
                                        
He ran until he couldn’t. He could see the houses blur in his peripheral, a
white stream of tile and plaster gushing past, the grey sidewalk rushed out
from under his feet, pounding his soles hard with each step. Sweat was pouring
off him, his shirt clung to his chest, his jeans chaffed painfully against his
thighs. Twinges of pain from the previous night's activities stabbed at him but
he kept running, one foot in front of the other, running and running until all
he could think about was the ever-increasing needles jabbing at his lungs. It
was only when he tripped and hit the floor that he stopped, panting hard on his
hands and and knees, chest heaving under the strain of trying to drag air into
his lungs. The dry, yellowing grass was painful under his scratched palms,
clinging uncomfortably to his sweaty skin, it blurred under his gaze, marred
with black spots that wouldn’t leave his vision.  His entire body ached, chest
heaving under the strain of dragging air into his lungs, knees throbbing from
the impact of hitting the floor so hard.  He hadn’t run like that in so long,
needles stabbed at his side, each breath digging them deeper. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
His palms clenched, gathering fistfuls of dirt and grass in them, jaw clenching
as he tried to manage the roaring in his head.
This day was just fucking shit .
His Mom was pregnant. The cackle that burst out of him was unnatural, an
assault on his own ears, violent in how it scraped up his throat, more than a
drain on the lungs that were still so desperate for air. Of course the universe
would come up with another reason to fuck him over. She was pregnant .  A baby
would soon be making its way into a family torn apart by lies, and betrayal. It
was a shock to think he’d soon be a brother. Fuck, he was going to be a
brother. Poor child , he thought, what a shitty brother you’re gonna have.
“You’d have been a great brother.” Negan’s rough voice floated in his head. He
scoffed at that, he was gonna be terrible, what kind of brother can’t handle a
fucking conversation? Twice now he’d run in the face of conflict, too cowardly
to deal with reality.
His palm thumped down on the dirt, a guttural cry leaving his throat. How did
it even get to this? It was like his brain froze, his body taking over, the
primitive instinct to fight or fly decided by something that was so out of sync
with what he truly desired. The irony didn’t escape him. How his body was so
quick to flee on occasions when he should stay, yet times when all he wanted to
do was run his body froze up, leaving him a docile doll for the very thing he
wanted to run from. He thought things were getting better, thought he was
getting better, his brain and body finally starting to reconnect, the wires
melding together after being severed for so long.
Clearly not.
The tremble in his arms told him to move, the ground shaking underneath his
gaze, muscles too weak, too abused to hold even his slight weight up. He fell
back onto his knees, squinting under the harsh glare of the sun at his
surroundings. The large rusted swing set told him all he needed to know, he’d
recognise it anywhere, it was from the old park he used to play in as a child.
Right on the outskirts of town, miles away from his own house, but it was
fairly close to Enid’s place, not too far from his Dad's work so they could
meet him for lunch. The perfect place to take him when his Mom wanted a break
from chasing after him, he always had friends there. The place was a wreck now,
Carl remembered it to be a hustling place when he was a kid, there was always
someone around, always children playing there, waiting for the ice cream truck
to show up in the winter. The familiar jingle sparking almost identical pleas
for ice cream from all the children. It was a nice place, it almost hurt to see
it so abandoned, so wrecked, destroyed from years of neglect.
He supposed he could relate to that on some level.
He gave a weighted sigh, considering his options. He could go home? Go back and
face the music, sit down with his parents and discuss what they're were gonna
do, how they could move on as a family. The incessant buzzing from his pocket
was most likely his Dad trying to figure out where he was, he was probably
worried sick about him. He knew he couldn’t go back there, not right now, he
needed to process it on his own, without worrying about what his parents
thought. Most of all he needed some space, some time away from the drama. Maybe
that was the problem, other than his trip to Seattle, he hadn’t had a chance to
be away from things, to give himself time to heal. All it’d take was something
that reminded him of Shane and it was like tearing a scab off a healing would,
never to fully heal over with the constant scratching. Even with Negan he
pushed himself too hard at times, trying to give the man a normal relationship,
trying to keep up with his own raging hormones that wanted him to jump the man
every second he got regardless of his more rational side that told him to slow
down. Not that he regretted a single second of it, but maybe he could’ve spent
more time talking with the man, letting him in when things got rough instead of
glossing over it. It was easy to see that he’d taken the good parts of the
relationship without a thought for the bad. Looking back on the last few weeks
he could see all the places he fucked up, the times when he should've stood his
ground and fight his own corner. God, only two weeks ago he let Negan break up
with him, did nothing to stop it, hardly fought for them, thought so little of
his own opinion to actually speak it.
Negan deserved better than that. It was a show of his immaturity that he
couldn’t handle a simple conversation, that he hadn’t had the courage to talk
with him about things that were bothering him. He most definitely didn’t
deserve to have Carl running out on him like that when he was only trying to
help. His stomach sunk the more he thought about it. That conversation from the
previous night haunted his thoughts, the man had seemed so hurt, so angry with
him. He deserved the anger, more than deserved it after his actions this
morning. He rubbed at his face, if he could go back he wouldn’t have left, he
would’ve stayed, talked it out with him, let him in for a change.
His phone buzzed once more, with a heavy sigh he took it out his pocket, ‘20
missed calls’ , glared back at him, accusatory, all from his Dad. None from
Negan he noted, maybe he wasn’t up yet? More likely he was either too pissed to
even try and talk to Carl or he was being his usual decent self and giving Carl
time to sort his head out.  Fuckin’ asshole, it would be easier if Negan yelled
at him, if he gave him a single reason to distrust him, not to confide in him.
Something that would make him feel justified in his reluctance to talk with
him. No matter how much he thought on it he couldn’t, every single time he’d
faced his fears and confided in Negan, the man had stepped up, supported him,
gave him his love and his strength in the face of everything. A heavy wave of
guilt swarmed him, hewas the fucking asshole not Negan.
He unlocked his phone, fumbling a quick message to his Dad to let him know he
was alright, that he should talk to his Mom on his own. It felt like
abandonment even to him, but it was his kid, there was so much they had to talk
about without adding Carl to the mix. Almost on instinct he flicked through his
contacts, heart contracting when he landed on Negan’s name, the number he knew
better than his own staring up at him. His thumb hovered over it as it’s owner
debated whether to call him. For the first time in months he wasn’t sure if the
man would answer, he wondered if maybe he pushed it too far this time. After
all there’s only so much back and forth a person can take, he gnawed at his
lips, thumb waving back and forth before it flicked the number away, scrolling
up again. Blue eyes caught on a certain name, Enid N,a number that he’d never
used, not recently anyways. His thumb hovered over his phone once more, she had
mentioned wanting to hang out before, maybe he could call her, give him
something to occupy himself for a few minutes that didn’t involve his recent
fuck up.
He inhaled sharply, summoning up a little courage before pressing the call
button, bringing the phone up to his ear just as it started to ring. It only
took two more rings for him to consider hanging up, one more for Enid to pick
up, her light, lofty voice greeting him down the phone. “Hey Carl, didn’t think
I’d hear from you.”
“Hey, Enid, yeah, just thought I’d give you a call, if you’re not busy or
something?” He hadn’t even thought about that, he was an idiot, she was
probably busy having breakfast at least, and it was the weekend, she probably
had plans.
“No, no, I’m good to talk, it’s nice hearing from you. What’s up?”
“Uh, not much. I’m just hangin’ out, in that park y’know? The one we used to
play in as kids?”
“Oh my god, I haven’t thought about that place in years.” She giggled down the
line. “God, that takes me back, I loved that place.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty awful now.” He surveyed his surroundings again, even with
the beautiful sun illuminating a golden glow on the park, it still looked… sad.
 
“Mmm, they stopped using it when drug dealers started selling there, parents
got freaked out.”
“Oh.” When had thathappened? Was he really that out of the loop? Not
surprising, he had other things on his mind in the last few years.
“Yeah, sooo what are you doing out there? Random place to be.”
He was glad they were on the phone so she wouldn't see the blush on his face.
“My parents, they-uh, they had a fight at home. I didn’t really wanna be around
that so I ran out here.”
“You ran?!” She exclaimed. “Carl you live miles away! That’s crazy.”
“Not my best idea.” He admitted.
“So you’re there on your own?”
He looked around again, not a person or animal in sight. “Yep.”
“Oh god, I’ll come over.”
“No, no, I can’t ask you to do that.” He hadn’t intended on dragging her out of
her home.
“It’s fine, you’re not asking, I’m telling. It’ll be fun to hang out, and I’ve
got justthe thing to keep us entertained.”
That sounded ominous. “What’re you thinking?”
“Ah, ah, just wait and see.” She teased. “I’ll be there in 20, don’t go
anywhere.”
The phone clicked off, leaving him to wait. He took the opportunity to sort
himself out, the sweat was still dripping down his face, coating his skin,
stinging at his eyes. He still hadn't made it off the ground, his knees now
screaming under the pressure on the sore flesh. With a grimace he pulled
himself off the grass, bones creaking on his way up. He almost stumbled again,
his body stiff from remaining in the same position for so long. He slipped off
the shirt he wore over his top, using it to pat the sweat off his face, before
tossing it into an abandoned trash can. The old, weary metal crashed to the
floor at the impact, clattering loudly in the air, echoing through the park,
harmonising with the eerie creak of the old swings swaying in the summer
breeze.
At least the picnic tables were in a decent state, only the vulgar graffiti
littering the dark wood hinting that they hadn’t been used in some time. The
wood creaked under his weight, nonetheless it held when he sprawled himself
over the top, letting his feet swing under the edge. He stared up at the sea-
blue sky, not a single cloud was in sight that day, the summer heat blazed down
on him, licking his pale skin with a light burn. All turned quiet the longer he
laid there, the breeze in the air disappearing as the day wore on, it was the
first bit of peace that he’d had in so long. Pure silence, both inside and out.
It was everything he needed, peace inside his head, no thoughts, no feelings,
just his heartbeat in his ears, his breath in his lungs. It was all he longed
for, he simply wanted to feel his heart beat in his chest without the ache, he
wanted the heavy weight in his body to evaporate, he wanted to walk with an
effortless ease, never hindered by memories that wanted to overwhelm every
muscle in his body. He wanted to feel what he felt in Seattle again, the sheer
joy, the freedom of being who he was, the freedom to love who he wanted to
love, not being the outcast, abused teen who was in a secret relationship with
his school coach. Soon, he thought to himself, he'd be back there soon enough,
there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He just hoped he had Negan to see
it through with him.
“You gonna lie there all day?”
He shot up at the voice, heart leaping out of his chest, he puffed a breath of
relief when he saw who it was. “Shit, sorry Enid, I didn’t hear you coming.”
“Obviously.” Her laughter echoed in the park, so reminiscent of the children’s
laughter that surrounded the area. It didn’t help with the nostalgic yearning
inside of him. Her laughter hadn’t changed since they were kids, he still
remembered it as clearly, she was always laughing, a light infectious laugh
that still brought a smile to his face. "You alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, just enjoying the sun."
She turned her face, the glow from the sun illuminating her delicate features,
an effortless beauty. "I don't blame you, it's gorgeous. You might even get a
tan." She teased.
"What? On this pale face?"
"Maybe not, haha." She looked around, surveying the place with the same
nostalgic look that wouldn't be out of place on someone three times her age.
"God, it's wrecked here isn't it? So sad, we used to have so much fun here."
"Yeah." He stood to stand by her, looking out at the place that had brought
them so much joy as children, a stream of memories flowing through his head
like reels of an old movie. Friends that had come and gone in the years,
children that had grown into teenagers on the brink of adulthood. Many of whom
would soon be leaving this town forever, present company included. An end of an
era for him, the thought tugged at his chest, as happy as he'd be to leave the
place he did have some happy memories here. It was a reminder of a life that he
often forgot he had, the happy childhood that his parents had worked so hard to
craft for him. In that moment he made a promise, to the sweet unborn child that
he'd soon call his sibling, that he'd make sure they had the same. That their
childhood would be filled with the same joys that he had, and that they'd never
feel the cold sting of abandonment that he endured, that they would always feel
that someone out there loved them. Most importantly, he made a promise to
ensure that they'd never go through the same pain he went through, he'd kill
anyone that would dare hurt them. He'd live up to Negan's expectation, that
child would never want for anything, that they would always be protected.
A shoulder nudged at him. "Lost ya there for a minute."
"Yeah, sorry, got lost in thought."
She gave a soft laugh at that. "It's fine, I'm used to it with you."
He blushed at that, was he really that obvious. "Didn't realise it happened
that much."
"You've always been a dreamer, always lost in another world. I always used to
wonder where your brain would go off to."
"Nowhere interesting."
"I bet that's a lie." She said, with a pensive look on her face. "C'mon, let's
get outta this sun, I don't know about you but I'm about to burst into flames."
He followed her along, slipping in step with her. "It's not that bad."
"Pft, with your pale skin you'll be a tomato in minutes. Anyway, what I've got
planned is best done with a little more privacy." She patted the bag resting on
her hip.
"Just what have you got planned." He questioned.
"Just a bit of fun, bit on something to help us unwind before all those
finals."
She hushed his next question, leading the way to the woods that decorated the
back of the park. The air was immediately cooler as they stepped under the
protection of the thick, bushy trees. Birds flew from their nests as they
walked, twigs snapping under their sneakers as they moved deeper, winding
around trees that stood in their way. He stopped when Enid did, sinking to the
floor to join her at the base of a tree, leaning back against the thick trunk.
"So what d'you have that's gonna relax me."
"This." She proclaimed, whipping out a glass bottle, filled to the top with a
clear liquid.
His eyes widened when he realised what it was. Alcohol? How the hell did she
get her hands on alcohol? "Just what isthat?"
"Vodka." She revealed with a proud smile on her face. "Snagged it from my
parent's cabinet, they're out this weekend so I thought I'd make the most of
it."
"Wow, that's wow." The sensible Sheriff's son in him told him to walk away
before he did anything stupid, the rebellious teenager in him told him to grab
the bottle and start chugging away.
"Yep. Just what we need I think. It'll definitely help with that mood of
yours."
"What makes you think I'm in a mood?" He asked, was he really that transparent?
"Your parents just had a fight and you stormed out. Of course you're in a mood.
Wanna go first?" She offered the bottle out to him.
He looked at it for a moment, flicking between the offending liquid and her
earnest face. It was against everything he'd been taught, and he knew first
hand the negative effects of drinking, he'd been on the receiving end of it far
too many times. Yet he found himself reaching for the bottle, throwing caution
to the wind as he took a swig. The burning took him by surprise, forcing a
choking cough out of him, sputtering as the bitter taste took hold of his
mouth. "Oh my god."
“You like?” She asked, taking a swig of her own. Clearly she’d had more
practice than he had, taking the mouthful with a little more than a grimace on
her face.
“Yeah, yeah I do.” The burn quickly faded to a nice warmth that, with deep
regret, was disappearing far too quickly. He grabbed the bottle from her, not
bothering to wipe the neck before taking another large swig. God knows he could
do with a bit of a de-stress.
***********
“I’m just a fucking idiot .” He slurred, slurring? He wasn’t thatdrunk...was
he?
“Guys are just fucking pricks tha’s the problem.” Enid clearly was, she was
slumped against him, arms waving frantically to make her point. “You guys need
to be better.”
“I kno’ I kno’, I just don’t know how. How do I stop running from anything?”
"I dunno, get some glue on your shoes?" She suggested. "Why d'you run?"
"Pft, I dunno. It's like, like, y'know, when your body does a thing but your
brain is like nooo. S'like that."
"Oooh, I get it. So you need to get your body to do the thing your brain
wants?"
"Yes! Tha's it."
"Tha's hard. Really hard."
"I know, and they're gonna leave me cos I can't fucking talk."
"Yep, I left Ron cos he didn't wanna talk, just wanted to screw around."
"He didn't?" A more sensible part of him wasn't surprised, he always seemed
like a bit of a fuckboy to him.
"Yeah, he was an ass. Just to talk to her Carl, talk or she's gonna leave."
"I just don't wanna talk about it." He sulked, it was the last thing he wanted,
drunk or not.
"Why not? Can' be that bad."
"It's bad, really bad."
"Wanna tell me about it?" She asked, "I probably won't remember"
She had a point there, God, he probably won't even remember telling her. "Nah,
I've gotta tell hi-her." He quickly corrected, even drunk he knew better that
to say who he was dating. "I need to talk to them about it, they deserve it."
"Boo! Fine, but, c'mon, tell me something, I told you everythin' about Ron."
"Yeeah, but I already knew everything about Ron."
"You didn't know about the tongue thing."
His face scrunched up at that. "I didn't want to know about the tongue thing.
I'm traumatised about it, gonna need therapy."
"Pft, I'm sure you'll live." She ruffled his hair with affection. "C'mon, tell
me something then. S'all about the whole bonding shit."
His mouth turned into an ‘O’ he hadn’t realised that. Even his drink-addled
mind knew better than to talk about Negan, and there was no way in hell he was
tellin’ her about that fucker Shane. What could he talk about? “Oh oh, ok so my
Mom is pregnant.”
She scrunched her face up. “So? That’s nothing on my drunk Mother at dinner
thing.”
“No buut her and my Dad are separated cos she cheated on him.”
Her mouth dropped. “What?! No wonder you had to get outta here.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, emphasising his point.
“Shit, is it your Dad’s?”
“She says it is but…” He did wonder if that was the case, a dark part of him
wondered if there had been anything more with Shane and his Mother. Just
because he was raping him every other day didn’t mean he wasn’t screwing other
people and God knows they’d have enough opportunities to do it. Not that he’d
ever ask her, he wouldn’t want to know, he’d never want to know.
“But, you’ll always wonder?” She filled in, the playful atmosphere disappeared.
Both sitting in contemplation for a moment. "Does it matter? If it's not his?"
"No." His answer came quick enough for him not to doubt it. It wouldn't matter,
whether it was his Father's, Shane's, or any other guy in the world, they'd
always be his family.
“Good, cos it doesn't matter. Family is family.” She spoke with such certainty
that it made him wonder what she'd been through. "I'm sorry you have to deal
with it though. Shitty timing too, right before finals, just before you leave
for college. Can't be easy."
It really hadn’t been, on top of everything it had been a shit-show. “Thanks.”
She gave him a hug, arms flopping around him in a clinging grip. He shifted
uncomfortably, suffocated by the curtain of brown hair that surrounded his
face. It’s not that he didn’t appreciate the gesture but he wasn’t exactly the
biggest fan of random acts of physical contact, not really. If she picked up on
his discomfort she didn’t let it show, she just pulled away with a soft smile,
leaving him surrounded with the smell of her flowery perfume.
“You deserve a bit of happy Carl.” She pushed the hair back from his face, the
drunken glaze leaving her face for a minute. “Talk to your girl.” She urged.
“Sort that shit out, cos the way you talk about her…” She shook her head with a
wistful smile. “I wish some guy would talk about me like that.”
A strange impulse compelled him to reach out and grab her hand, squeezing.
“Someone will.”
She gave a sad laugh. “Could’ve been you…” Her fingers curled around his,
locking them together. “If things had been different, my parents were always
saying you’d be the one to date.”
“My Dad always said the same.” His eyes fixed on their hands together, it just
looked wrong, it feltwrong. Her hand was too small, tanned but not quite the
golden brown that he loved. Her’s was too soft, too delicate for him to feel
anything more than the urge to keep her safe.
“Could’ve been fun.” She stated simply.
He burst out laughing, the idea suddenly more ridiculous that ever. He and
Enid? Even back then he knew they'd never work out, they were too similar, it
would've been too boring to contemplate. It was probably the reason he never
asked her out before, that kiss between them sparked nothing but feelings of
disappointment, and inspired a disinterest in kissing all together. Fun? It
would've been the total opposite and they both knew it.
“What?” She was laughing herself, the moment shattered into pieces.
“Just funny to think about it.” He choked out.
“Ooh, whatever.” She jokingly pushed him. “I’m too good for you anyways.”
“Suure you are, drunky.” He joked.
They both laughed at that, the screeching laughed echoed through the woods,
scaring the birds out of the trees.
***********
“Mmpf, I should go.” She said, stumbling to her feet. The empty bottle rolled
away from her lap, settling on the twigs. “I gotta get back before my parents
get home, sober up a lil.”
“Yeaah, I should get goin’ too.” He let her pull him up, nearly crashing them
both back to the floor when he overstepped. "Ooop, sorry."
She giggled again, helping him straighten up. "S'fine. How’re you getting home
anyways? You live ages away.”
“Shit, I hadn’t thought about that.” Fuck, he was fucked, he couldn’t call his
Dad he’d kill him if he knew he’d been drinking. “Um, don’t worry I can call
someone.” He wasn't sure whojust yet but he'd figure it out, hell he'd rather
run home and sober up than face his Father drunk.
“You sure? Want me to wait for them to turn up? Don't want you getting murdered
by the dealers." She teased.
“Yeah, you go, I’ll see you later.”
“M’kay, text me when you're safe.” She grabbed her bag, slinging it over her
shoulder.
“Seee yaaa.”
He watched her disappear through the trees, fumbling to grab his phone from his
pocket. There was only one person he could call, only one person he really
wanted to talk to right now. He just hoped he wouldn’t be tooo pissed at him.
It took him several minutes of stumbling through the trees to finally get a
cell signal, he quickly pressed the call button before it disappeared, swaying
with each ring.
“Neeegan!” He screeched down the phone, inhibited joy soaring through him at
the sound of the gruff voice on the other end. "Oh my god, I’m so happy to hear
your voice!”
“I wouldn’t have guessed by the way you stormed outta here this morning.”
Carl pouted, stupid man with his stupid buzz-ruining comments. “Stop ruining my
buzz.” He whined in the mouthpiece. “S’not nice.”
“Buzz? What buzz? Jesus, Carl are you drunk?”
“Nope.” He giggled. “Maybe, s’little bit.”
“Why the fuck are you drunk?”
“Ummm, Enid had vodka, I think, might have been gin I dunno, can't remember,
anyways, I’m alone in this park and there are dealers selling somethin’, Enid
doesn’t know what, so I wondered if you could pick me up?”
“Why are you alone?”
“Enid had to go home, n’ I live too far away, and no one comes to this place
but the drugs.”
“How did you get there if you live so far away?”
“I ran again, cos that’s all I do I just fuckin’ run and m’not even that good
at it, I nearly died comin’ here and I’m such a fuck up Negan, an-”
“Okay, okay Carl, calm down, where's the park?”
He filled him in on the location, hoping it made some kind of sense to the man.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, Jesus, Carl just don’t go anywhere, don’t go with anyone. Just stay
put.”
“M’kay, I’m gonna sit by the road and wait.”
“Make sure you do.”
“Sitting and waiting.” He sang down the phone, pouting when it clicked off. So
so rude, he’d have to teach him not to hang up on people.
He was just finishing up a message to Enid when the familiar car appeared, the
passenger door popping open right in front of his face. His face broke out into
an uncontrollable smile when he saw the driver. “Hiiiii.”
Some of Negan's anger faded when he saw that smile, warmth spreading through
him at the joy on Carl’s face. He wished he looked like that all the time, he
wished the teen didn’t need alcohol to look that carefree. “Hi,” He said
slowly. “You think you can get up?”
A look of pure puzzlement crossed his face, features scrunching up in a heavy
thought. “Ummm, I think so.”
It was like watching fuckin’ Bambi take his first steps, several attempts were
made before he actually made it to his feet, then a quick stumble had him
practically falling into the passenger seat, landing with his face on Negan’s
chest, arms not doing much to hold him up.
“Hi.” Carl repeated, stupid grin reappearing on his face. He loved looking at
Negan, he was so pretty, and hot, and pretty, and God he wanted to crawl all
over him.
Negan indulged him with another “hi” before rearranging him properly in his
seat, buckling him in. “Christ, it’s a good thing no-ones around. Can’t even
think of the trouble I’d be in having a illegally, drunk student in my car.”
“Better than a naked student.” Carl pointed out, drunken optimism coming out.
“Don’t get any ideas.” Negan warned, the last thing he needed was Carl
stripping off.
"I'll be good, Scout's promise." He held his fingers up, was that right? It
looked weird.
"Like you were ever a Scout." Negan scoffed, shoving the car into drive before
setting off, it really wasn't the place to be hanging around.
“Yes I wa-whoa, watch it you’re going so fast.” Carl eyes bugged out the
window.
“I’m doing under 30...” Negan pointed out.
“So, so fast.” Carl was astonished at the trees fluttering past them, big, big
green blurs. Amazing.
“Jesus Christ.” Negan mumbled under his breath. How much drink did he have? His
hangover was gonna be fun. God, how the fuck was he gonna tell Rick that he had
to pick up his drunk-ass kid from a druggie park?
“M’so glad you’re here.” Carl flung his face away from the distracting greenery
to look at Negan. “I’ve missed you.”
“You saw me less than 12 hours ago.”
“Yeeah, but you were pissed with me. I don’ like it when you’re pissed with
me.”
“Well I don’t like it when you run out of me." He snarked back, rolling his
eyes at the pout he received in return, the damn pout. "Stop with the pouting."
“M’sorry, I didn’t mean to run, my feet just do that stupid thing where they go
and stuff. I don't even know why, I tell them no but they go anyways”
Even out of the corner of his eye he could see the breathtakingly sad look on
Carl's face, almost lost in himself. It put the surge of anger in check, now
wasn't the time for being pissed, nor was it the time to talk out their shit.
He placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Carl's thigh. "Don't think
about it, we'll talk later."
“Yes, we will!” Carl exclaimed. “We’ll talk as much as you want, whatever you
wanna talk about. Enid said talking is best, or you’ll leave me and then I’d be
so sad. I'll even put glue on my feet so I don't move.”
Glue? Wait, hang on, did he say Enid? "You talked to Enid about us?"
“Yeah, but not you, she thinks you’re a girl from another school, don’ worry.”
He wasn't totally stupid.
His heart stopped pounding in his ears, God, that was fuckin’ close. “Riight,
she say why it was a good idea to get so drunk?” It was a stupid question to
ask, he'd been 18 once and God knows he'd been out drinking a helluva lot more
than Carl did for a lot less of a reason.
“Deee-stressing she said.” Carl replied. “Oooh look we’re home.” He jostled in
his seat, leaning forwards to get a better look.
The cabin came into view in front of them, just as he’d left it. A strange glow
came over him at Carl calling it home, nothing felt more right. “Yep, home,
sweet, home.”
He was first out of the car, Carl was still fumbling with his seat-belt by the
time he made it to the passenger side. He snapped the door open. “You need some
help with that?”
“No, I’m good, so good.” A few more minutes passed, his hand slapped out of the
way when he tried to help, before a big victory yelp screeched in his ears. "I
did it!”
Negan had to laugh at the sheer joy on his face, “You sure did Darlin’, I’m
proud of you.”
He beamed up at Negan. “Thanks.”
The next challenge was getting him on his feet, each time he tried to leave the
car, he'd fall back in, almost knocking himself out on the roof of the car. In
the end Negan had to pull him out, supporting him with one arm under his
shoulders, coercing him towards the front door. It was more of a struggle than
he thought, Carl was a surprisingly strong drunk, stumbling this way and that,
he nearly had them both on the floor when he suddenly exclaimed, arms flinging
wide before using Negan as leverage to push himself away. Negan could only
watch his little Bambi stumble over to his beloved bike, heart stopping when he
draped himself over it. He wasn't quite sure what he was more worried about,
Carl falling over and hurting himself or his beautiful bike falling over and
getting scratched up.
“Ooh the biiikee.” Carl stroked over the handles caressing down to the seat. “I
looove this bike.”
Negan walked over to collect him, trying to pull him away before he pushed it
to the ground. Plucking Carl's hands away from the smooth leather seat,
practically forcing him up and away from it. “So do I, and I'm not havin' you
hurl all over it now, c’mon let’s get indoors.”
Carl didn’t help him with that, clinging to his neck as they walked, feet only
moving when they caught awkwardly on the ground. “Nooo I reaaally loove the
bike."
“I’m sure you do.” He rolled his eyes at his drunken dramatics.
“I used to think of you fuckin’ me on it allllll the time.”
His body stopped at that, pausing in an attempt to catch up with his racing
mumbled. He fumbled with words that raced away from him in favor of the
blissful images assaulting his brain. "W-wh-what was that?” Had he heard wrong?
He knew Carl wasn't exactly a vanilla, missionary kinda guy, he'd definitely
shown a liking towards the less than normal shit but he never thought he'd ever
consider something like that.
“Oh yeah, all the time after I saw you on it. Espec...especially when you said
about riding your dick that time? You remember?"
Negan nodded dumbly. "Mmm, all I could think of after that was riding your dick
whilst you were straddling it, all hot in your leather, or without it, God, it
didn't matter to me.”
Negan winced as his jeans became uncomfortably tight the more the teen spoke,
zipper cutting in to his flesh, he was torn between asking for more details and
begging him to stop just so he could focus enough to get them into the cabin.
He shook himself, mentally slapping himself so he could continue pushing the
pair of them forward.
“Mmmm, God, I thought about it so much, jerked off thinking about it. Before we
went away, I saw you cleaning it and I thought about what I’d do y’know?” Carl
snuck his mouth right under his earlobe, warm breath huffing over the sensitive
skin. “How I’d go over to you, make you sit on it, then I’d climb on you, kiss
away that stupid cocky grin that you get on your face. You’d pull down my
jeans, just enough so you could get to my ass, I’d already be ready for you,
I’d be so damn ready. I’d have fingered myself open on your bed whilst you were
outside…” Jesus-fuckin’-christ he was gonna blow his load if he continued, the
images racing through his mind at 100mph. “...then you’d fuck me, so hard and
so deep, your hands gripping my hips, moving me how you wanted, making me
scream. Then I’d come all over that leather jacket of yours right before you
come inside of me. I’d fuckin’ love it Negan.”
He wouldn’t be a red-blooded male if he didn’t contemplate dragging Carl back
over to the bike to do just that, thankfully his morals won through reminding
him that screwing a drunk person never worked well and he’d never want to
disrespect Carl like that. “C’mon, enough of that.”
“Don’t you wanna do that?” That evil voice whispered in his ear, errant hand
burning a trail down his abs, Negan had to pluck it off his belt. Morals Negan
morals.He propped the teen against the wooden door, digging into his pocket for
his key. "C'mon..." Carl practically purred at him, hands yanking with a
surprising strenght to pull Negan back to him.
“Oh I do," He answer, understatement of the fucking year, "and if you weren't
so drunk I wouldn't think twice about dragging you back over to my bike,
bending you over it and sticking my dick in you till you fuckin' begfor more.”
Carl moaned at that, hips rolling against his own. “Buut, you are far too drunk
for that. All you’re getting is a bed and some water.”
Carl pouted at him. “Tha’s no fun.”
“Well, drinking isn’t always fun.” Negan retorted, finally getting the door to
open.
“Blah.”
This time the teen held his own weight, still stumbling, but managing to walk
through the door without breaking anything. His pouting kept him quiet, only
fumbling out mumbled protests when Negan tried to help him up the stairs. “Don’
need it.” He pushed the man away, turning his focus onto the mountain ahead of
him.
Negan huffed, exasperated, it had taken them nearly ten minutes just to make it
up two steps, it was gonna take all fucking day if he continued like this. Just
as he was about to toss him over his shoulder again Carl managed to find his
footing, crawling on hands and knees up the stairs.
Was he this bad when he was drunk? How the fuck did people put up with him?
Carl finally let him help when he reached the top of the staircase, arms
reaching out to let him pull him off the floor. He helped him stumble into the
bedroom, only letting him go when he was close enough to fling himself onto the
bed. Which he did with a surprising grace.
“Mmmm, finally.” Carl sank into the squishy mattress, arms winding around the
plush pillow that stunk of his favorite guy. "You comin'?" He asked, patting
the bed next to him.
"Nope, i'm gonna get you some water and a few aspirin, God knows you're gonna
need 'em in a few hours."
"No I'm not, I'll be fine." Carl shifted himself the other way. He wasn't a
wuss, he could handle a few shots of gin-vodka-whatever it was. He didn't need
Negan babying him.
Ah, the ignorance of youth, Negan thought, he could remember those days,
thinkin' no drinking session would ever result in the inevitable mind-numbing
hangover. "Sure you won't." He draped a blanket over the teen, indulging his
stubborn streak. "Get some sleep."
"Pft, don't need sleep." Carl mumbled with a yawn, maybe a nap, just for a few
minutes. He was sooo comfy he might as well make the most of it before he had
to leave again. A loving hand stroked through his hair, blissfully cool against
his flushed face, he leaned into it, encouraging it in its movements.
"Wish I knew how to help you Carl." The voice murmured, just registering in his
brain before everything fell dark.
************
"Oh my god," He just about managed to get out, his voice muffled by the
pillows. "I'm dying."
"You're not dying." Negan replied to the mound of pillows on his blankets, the
teen was curled up into a tight ball, only a few tufts of dark hair visible in
the pile. He shifted himself over to the bed, warm hand seeking the cold,
clammy forehead beneath the pillows.
"I am." His stomach rolled again, sledgehammer pounding away at his brain,
certain there would be nothing left by the time it was done. "This is it, the
end."
"So you're not feelin' too good?" Negan asked, slightly teasing tone in his
voice. As annoyed as he was with Carl for the last 24 hours, it was always fun
to play with drunks, especially when they were as adorable as this one.
"I'm dying, definitely dying. Oh god, my head." It wouldn't stop throbbing at
him, he wanted to rip his brain outta his head just to get it to stop. "Oh
God."
"C'mon, up you get."
Carl shivered as the blankets were stripped away from him, curling up even
tighter to conserve warmth. "Nooo, I can't move."
"Yes you can, and you damn well will cos I know what's comin' next and you're
not doin' it in my bed."
Just as Carl was about to ask him what came next his stomach lurched, more
forcefully than before. It was enough incentive to lunge out of the bed, just
about making it to this bathroom before he hurled.
He was coherent enough to feel a wave of embarrassment when Negan followed him
into the room, he wasn't keen on him seeing him like this. Just another cliched
wreck of a teenager. As embarrassed as he was, he was also grateful when the
man pulled his hair away from his face when another wave of sickness hit him,
his other hand rubbed softly at his back, soothing words falling from his lips.
Carl practically hit the tiles when he finished, legs collapsing under his own
weight. He flopped himself against the wall, just about muscling up the
strength to curl his legs. up. God, he was such a fuckin' idiot. Tears burned
at his eyes, cheeks flushing as he watched the other man clear up after him.
Couldn't he do one thing without putting the man out? He was such a damn mess,
he bit at his lip, trying to stop the sob wanting to creep out of his throat.
He was a pathetic mess.
"Y'alright?" Negan's voice was like silk to his ears, so soft and gentle
against the pounding that raged in his head. A cold flannel pressed against his
head, easing the heat, wiping away the sweat that had stuck there.
Carl gave a weak nod in reply, teeth digging in deeper the pain doing little to
quell the emotions bubbling in him.  “It was stupid.” Carl sniffed, voice
breaking under the tears begging to escape. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left.
I’m so sorry.” He didn't know why he said it. It was the only thing that popped
into his head, he wanted him to know how sorry he was. For everything. "M'so
sorry." He repeated.
Negan's heart cracked all over again, love tugging him down to Carl, pulling
him closer with his arm, tucking the small frame underneath it. "Shhh, it's
alright Carl, don't think about it. It's fine."
“No it’s not. It’s not fine. I can’t keep doing this to you. To us.” Carl was
vehement in his protests, pushing Negan away from him. “How can you want to be
anywhere near me when I’m like this all the time?” He gestured to himself,
everything about him was a mess, his hair was greasy from sweat, his clothes
drenched in it, he was fairly certain there was a hint of vomit on his shirt.
He definitely stunk of it, that and the cheap vodka that he and Enid has drunk.
That wasn’t even mentioning what a fucking mess he was inside. He hated the
look Negan gave him, that love-filled adoring gaze that usually made him feel
like he could do anything but now made him feel like an awful monster.
“I do it because I love you-“
“No.” Carl interrupted, no, no, no. How could anyone love this? He was a wreck,
a ghost of a human being, a pathetic creature hardly worth the attention. “How
can you still love me?”
How? How could he not? How could he not see the pure beauty and strength in
him? “Because I see through the shit. Everyone has their demons Carl, we all
have shit to bear, yours is just heavier than most. Anyone would be a mess
after what you’ve been through but you haven’t let it bring you down. Of course
I have moments when you’re being such a lil’ shit that I wanna strangle the
life outta you but most of all I just wish you’d talk to me. That you wouldn’t
run away when it gets hard.”
He was such a fuck-up. "M'sorry." It was a pitiful whine even to his ears.
“Don’t be. We can work on it, you just have to trust that I’mnot gonna run when
things get hard. I’m in it for the long-haul Carl.” He took Carl’s hands in his
own, brown eyes searching blue for any indication that he was getting through
to the teen. “I’m with you Carl. I love you, no matter what you tell me or what
you do.”
Tears flowed openly now, trickling a salty trail down his flushed cheeks. “I
love you too.”
Negan brushed the tears away, smiling softly at him. “Good. You think you can
get up?"
Carl nodded, reaching his hands out to take Negan's. Together they stood, Carl
bracing himself against Negan’s shoulder. They fell into an awkward embrace,
his knees felt like jelly, muscles trembling at his own weight. The nausea
still rolled in him, he still wasn’t sure if it had passed, why the fuck did
people drink? He felt like pure shit.
“Think you can move?" Negan asked.
Carl groaned a reply, head burying himself in Negan’s shoulder. “Maybe when the
room stops spinning.”
The vibration from Negan’s chuckle didn’t help the vomit still threatening to
spill up. “Alright, I’m gonna put you in the shower, a bit of water will help
sort you out.”
He manhandled Carl over to the shower, struggling to strip him of his clothes
as Carl swayed in the room. He’d never been more grateful that he picked a
place with a walk-in shower. He shuffled Carl in, propping him against the
wall. “You alright sorting yourself out?”
“Mmmhmmm,” Carl murmured at him, bringing his hands out to brace against the
tiles. “Can you turn the water on?”
“Sure darlin’. There’s a towel out here, I’ll be in the bedroom sorting you
some clothes.”
A muffled “thank you” came through the pelting shower. He left Carl to it,
chucking his dirty clothes in the laundry basket on his way back to his room.
He chucked some of his own clothes onto the bed, ready for the teen whenever he
emerged from the shower. The mattress sunk under his weight, his head was heavy
in his hands. Just when he thought they’d turned a corner, they got tugged back
five steps. It was infuriating, it pushed his own limits, tested his love for
Carl in more ways than one. He hated to admit there were moments when he nearly
gave in, when his old self perked up and told him to get away from that shit.
The coward in him wanting the easy route rather than the hard-one. Look out for
yourself and leave everyone else, that's how he always lived his life. Until he
met Carl that is, the one person that made him care about someone other than
himself. Maybe it was because he saw himself in Carl, or the inexplicable
connection he had with the teen, that unseen link that drew them together time
and time again. The thing that made him ignore all that was rational within
himself, everything that told him to walk away before they both got burnt, and
burnt they got. In the short time they'd been together they'd been dragged
through the dirt, ridden highs that he never thought were possible, they'd
broken each other down to the very core of who they were, exposed their raw
center and let the other scrape all over it.
The only thing he knew for certain was that Carl was worth every ounce of pain
that he'd felt, and every single second of doubt that he had about them
disappeared the second he laid eyes on him. He'd never felt so vulnerable yet
safe, his trust in Carl was unrivalled, he'd been the one person who knew every
inch of him, every single part of the darkness that laid inside him and still
welcomed him with loving arms, still trusted him with his body and his soul.
Negan only wished he trusted him so implicitly with his mind. He knew he only
knew the bullet-points of what Shane had done to him, just as he knew that he’d
never, in a million years, be able to fully comprehend the effect that he had
on him. His only hope that he'd be able to share some of the burden, that maybe
one day Carl would be able to tell him what happened, how he was feeling. He
wanted to take the nightmares away from him, to help him move on and get past
the things that haunted him in his sleep. He wanted to kill that fucker Shane
all over again.
"You alright?" Carl's hushed voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Yeah, you feelin' better?" He looked better, there was more color in his
cheeks and he seemed steadier on his feet. The teen's head bobbed, shuffling
closer to Negan, taking the offered clothing with a grateful smile.
The room rested in silence, only the rustling of clothing as Carl dressed
himself echoed in the space. Negan's head found his hands again, rubbing the
exhaustion from his eyes, he'd hardly slept the previous night, accosted by the
sight of Carl twisting in agony beside him. The empty space next to him him
only reminding him of the teen that was downstairs.
"Negan..." A faint hand cupped his cheek, drawing his chin up. "I'm sorry." He
knew he'd apologised several times already, knew they were meaningless because
Negan had already forgiven him, yet Carl needed to say it just once more.
"Carl, c'mere." He pulled his hips closer, seating him on his lap. "It's
alright, you don't have to keep apologising."
"I don't know how you put up with me." Carl whispered.
"You know why." He tucked his hair behind his ear, revealing the soft blue eye
behind it. "That's never gonna change, no matter what."
"Even if I'm a stupid drunk?" Carl asked. It was the last time he'd ever drink,
the hangover, the inconvenience he caused just wasn't worth it.
A deep laugh rumbled out of Negan, jostling him on his lap. “It’s fine Carl.
Jesus, it’s the most normal thing you’ve done so far.”
Carl blushed at that, as if he needed reminding about all his abnormalities.
“Don’t look like that. You know I don’t care about all that normality shit.”
Negan spoke.  
"Still, can't be easy being with me." Carl looked him over, watching every
speck of emotion slip across his face, waiting for a little hint of doubt.
Negan rested his head on Carl's shoulder, choosing his next words carefully.
"No relationship is easy Carl. They're all difficult in their own ways."
"I'm just particularly difficult right?"
"No, God no. It's easier with you."
"Now that has to be a lie."
"No, it's easier because it's you and because I love you. The highs are more
than worth the lows, no matter what." He looked at him earnestly. "I mean it,
Carl. Whenever you decide to tell me what happened, whatever's been gettin' to
you recently, I'm here. All I ask is you stay, that you be there with me, if I
can't help you with the cause of it then let me be there for the pain, let me
help."
"I want to tell you." Carl replied. "I just... I don't know how to explain it."
"Then whenever you figure it out, I'm here, alright?"
"Yeah." Carl shifted, placing a gentle kiss to the corner of Negan's mouth.
"Thank you."
"Anytime." He nuzzled Carl's neck. "Just promise me something?"
"Whatever you want."
"Don't get drunk for any reason other than fun please? Don't drink to forget
things, alright? It's a damn slippery slope."
"Pft, I'm never drinking again, not with this headache."
"Aww, poor baby." Negan mocked.
Carl slapped his shoulder. "Shut it."
"C'mon, let's get you some food, it'll help with the hangover."
Carl groaned, "I don't think I can eat." 
Negan slipped him off his lap, coming to stand before him. "Yeah you can, let's
go." Then he dragged him from his room.
*********
"So what got you to drink, illegally might I add, in broad daylight, in a park
frequented by drug dealers?"
Carl stopped eating, swallowing down the remnants of his sandwich. The dark,
shock from yesterday settled over his body once more. "Mom's pregnant."
"What?" Negan's own food dropped to the plate. He most certainly hadn't been
expecting that. Lori pregnant? God that woman moved on quick.
"Yep." Carl pushed his plate away, nausea settling in once again. "6 months.
Their New Year vacation..." He let the words tail off much like his Mother had.
"Wow, and your Dad knew?"
"I dunno, I don't think so, he seemed pissed but... I didn't really stick
around to find out."
"Ah, well at least it's not just me you run from." Negan joked, it didn't go
down well. Carl's face fell again, eyes flickering to the floor. "Shit, Carl, I
didn't mean it."
"No, no, you're right. At least I'm consistent with that." Carl laughed.
"Wait, so you ran out?"
"Thought we'd already established that?"
"So your Dad doesn't know where you are?"
"I dunno, he's probably figured out I'm with you."
Negan's eyes bugged out. "You should call him, let him know you're alright."
"Seriously? He's got you that scared?"
"He's a cop, with a gun, and I know he's not afraid to beat the shit outta
someone, so yeah I'm scared. Get callin', I'll give you some privacy."
Turns out privacy was the man walking over to the couch to flick the TV show
on. Carl took a deep breath, reaching over to grab Negan's phone, bracing
himself for the impending shouting that would come.
************
“You goin’ home?” Negan asked Carl, pausing the TV when he returned to the
room.
“Not tonight. He and Mom are gonna talk more, make plans and things.” Carl
perched next to Negan on the couch, curling his leg underneath him.
Negan exhaled sharply. “Can’t believe they’re having a baby, it’s fucking
crazy.”
“Yeah.” Crazy being the understatement of the whole damn year, it was beyond
comprehension. Just the thought of them seated at home, talking like adults was
enough to freak him out. 
“You excited though?”
“I haven’t thought about it really. I guess, I dunno, I’m sad that I won’t be
around much when they baby’s born.”
“True, but there’s still holidays, and the whole summer next year. Besides
babies are boring when they’re young, by the time you’re done with college
it’ll be at the fun stage.”
“Didn’t think you had loads of baby experience.”
“Eh, a few of my friends had kids, Lucille had a few nephews and nieces, kinda
had to deal with them.”
“Huh, at least you can help me with that.”
“Whatever you need.” Negan rubbed at Carl’s arm.
Carl took a deep breath, reaching over to grab the remote from Negan’s hand.
With a quick push the TV went blank, he started into the black for a moment,
hoping to find some clarity into the darkness.
“You alright?” Negan asked, slightly concerned by the eerie silence that
engulfed the room.
“Yeah, I’m just…” He let his words trail off. “Are you tired?” He asked.
“Not really no.”
He couldn’t ignore the disappointment at his reply, his last hope of evading
the conversation disappearing at the words. “Oh.”
“Should I be?” Negan enquired.
“No, no.” He dismissed it. Time to be brave Carl. Time to give back some of the
trust that Negan had placed so unquestionably in him. He could do this. They’d
been through so much together, they could get through this. If not now, when?
“Carl?” Negan placed his hand over Carl’s. “You sure you alright?”
“No, but I will be.” He affirmed, maybe if he kept thinking it then he would
be. Just the hand on his was enough to give him that little bit more strength,
just a bit more reassurance that they were in it together. “Just promise me
something?”
“Anything."
“Don’t interrupt?”
“Interrupt what?” Now he was all the more confused and the way Carl was looking
at him was more than disconcerting.
“Until I’m finished.” Carl clarified.
“Ookaay, I promise. So, what are you starting?"
“The story, my story, everything that happened, and I mean everything.There was
so much I didn’t tell you, things I didn’t think I’d ever tell anyone. I
thought I could handle it, that if I buried everything deep enough then it
would leave me alone. Obviously not.” He paused, taking a breath. “So I’ll try
your way, I’ll tell you. Then you can ask anything you want.”
“You don’t have to Carl, if you don’t wanna talk about it with me then I’d
never force you to.”
“I know, I do know.” He gave a flicker of a grateful smile. “But I want to.”
“Okay, then I’ll listen.”
“Okay.” Carl nodded, closing his eyes, trying to figure out the best place to
start. “It wasn’t the physical things, I mean it was but there was so much
more…”
***********
He was grateful when Negan kept his word, he just sat and listened. Held his
hand when things got too much, when his voice cracked and his breathing halted.
He didn’t show pity, didn’t show amusement, just listened, let Carl talk it
out. The words tumbled out of him, falling from his lips like a waterfall. He
didn’t think he’d ever get to the end, had no idea how to explain how it felt,
how he felt even now. 
“He made me feel like nothing. At first anyways, he treated me like nothing
more than a replacement for my Mom. He destroyed everything I cared about, just
took and took from me until I honestly thought nothing was left. My parents
didn’t exactly do anything to change my mind, then my friends left, and my
grades dropped and everything in my life just matched what he said. Then
something changed in him, he started being more possessive, more demanding.
He’d go on and on about how he was the only one that cared, that without him
I’d be alone.” Carl looked down at his restless fingers. “At times I believed
him.” He dragged another heavy breath into his lungs. “Sometimes I still do.”
He admitted.
He could hear the denials forming in Negan’s mouth, he silenced them with a
pleading look. “I know it’s not true, I know you care and I know my Dad does
too, even my Mom in her own special way. I just… it’s like you said the other
day, if you feel a certain way for so long it doesn’t just change. It hits you
again and again, in those dark moments when I’m alone, I think back on it and I
question everything. I question our relationship, every moment we spend
together because it feels like a dream to me.” He let his words settle in the
air. “I love you so much, you brought a joy back into my life that I never
thought I’d feel again. You made me feel like me for the first time in years,
you gave me strength when I didn’t have any. I can’t even start to pay you back
for that but I hope you understand now.”
“Can I talk now?” Negan asked, his voice trembled, throat filled by a swollen
ball that wouldn’t leave no matter how much he swallowed.
Carl nodded, waiting patiently for the man to speak.
“You never have to pay me back, you understand?” When Carl nodded again he
continued. “You don’t owe me anything, I did everything I did because I loved
you, because I cared, not because I’d ever expect you to give me something
back.” Negan grasped Carl’s hands again, cradling in his own as he leaned
closer. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like going through that Carl. I can’t
begin to understand how you must feel with all that going through your head but
what I do know is that I’m here through it all. When you have those moments,
call me, whatever time it is, wherever you are, just call me. If you can’t call
me then just remember this, I love you. Nothing you said, nothing you ever  say
will change that. Remember me saying that, and know that there’s someone out
there who thinks that you’re everything.”
Carl felt his heart swell, tears finding trails down his cheeks once more.
Gratitude for whatever brought them together flooded him. He squeezed Negan’s
hands, shifting himself closer to the man. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Negan whispered.
“I know, but thank you anyways.” Carl gave him a weak smile.
“C’mere.” Negan tugged him closer enveloping him in a warm embrace.
Carl sank into it, puffy eyes closing against the world. He felt Negan lean
back, settled himself closer to the man, holding on with everything he had. A
firm hand rubbed his back soothingly, the other strokes through his hair. It
wasn’t long before Carl felt himself doze off into a deep sleep, cradled in the
arms of the man he loved.
*********
The silence in the house was deafening, a stark contrast to the previous
morning when chaos reigned in the small living room. It was almost like before,
he found his Father sat at the dining table, head in hands, steaming cup of
coffee in front of him. He looked exhausted, that was all Carl could think when
brown eyes met his, the bags all the heavier under his them. Probably didn’t
get much sleep last night. Out of instinct, his ears twitched listening out for
any sign of his Mother in the house.
“She’s not here.” Rick answered, sensing his thoughts. “She went back to her
place.”
Carl didn’t even know she had a place. Made sense, she couldn't stay with her
friends forever. “So how was it?”
Rick exhaled sharply, hell, excruciating, depressing, a soul-stabbing betrayal
that he really didn’t need right now. “I don’t even know where to start.”
Carl perched on the chair opposite him, he didn’t say anything, there wasn’t
much he could say. Nothing he said or did would change what had happened,
nothing could ever mend the gaping chasm in their family. Nothing would change
the inevitable fact that they’d be welcoming another member of the family soon,
and his Mother would irrevocably become a significant person in their lives
again.
“We talked.” Rick continued. “Tried to make plans for the future, figure out
how the hell we ended up in the mess to start with.”
“What did you decide?” Carl was almost afraid to ask.
“Not much,  I didn’t wanna decide anything without you.”
“Does it really concern me?” Carl asked, he was leaving after all.
Rick looked at him with a helpless desperation, “Of course it does, whether you
like it or not Carl you’re a part of this family and you have a right to have a
say in what happens in the future.”
“I know that, I just mean, I’m leaving soon. You’ll have to deal with Mom and
the baby, it’s more about what suits you.”
“Honestly? I have no idea.” Rick’s head found his palms again. “I want to be
around the baby, I’m not gonna be some deadbeat Dad who’s never around for his
kid.”
Carl brushed aside the stinging reminder that he had been the Dad who’s never
around for his kid, for a few years anyways.
“Not like I was for you.” Rick’s eyes were apologetic, a deep regret reflected
back to him. “The problem is your Mother…”
“Yeah, we can’t go on like this, pretending she only exists when it’s
convienient or when we feel obliged to talk to her.”
“Easier said than done.” Rick mumbled.
“You don’t have to tell me.” Carl commented.
“I always see him when I look at her.” Rick said, his voice hardly audible, a
ghost in the room. “S’not her fault, I know that, but I can’t help it.”
“I know.” She was nothing more than a reminder of everything for him, no matter
how much he told himself it wasn’t her fault, she had no control over the man’s
actions, he still couldn't get his body to believe it. He couldn't help that
stabbing pain when he saw her, the echoes of her voice calling him a liar
ringing in his ears. It’d take a bit more than a few apologises to get that to
go away.
“I worry that I’m gonna see the baby like that.” Rick confessed. “Some part of
me, I dunno, I guess I’ll always wonder if it is actually mine.”
What do you say to that? It wouldn’t help for Carl to agree with him, it would
only encourage the man’s feelings by giving him some kind of confirmation. So
he took from Enid’s approach. “Does it matter?” He asked. “If it’s not yours?
Does it matter? Isn’t it still part of the family?”
He’d stumped the man, his eyes wavering on his own. The room paused for the
moment, a tense silence fell between them.
“No. it doesn’t.” Rick eventually admitted. “They’d still be your little
brother or sister, and if it is Shane’s… I guess it’s only right that I take
resposibility for it.”
“I don’t think it is.” Carl said, a lie, he truly had no clue one way or the
other. “Shane’s, that is. I think he’d have told me, bragged about it.”
Rick’s jaw clenched, hands forming fists on the table. “I hate that bastard."
“Well he’s all gone now, it’s time we look a the future instead of lingering on
the past.”
“Easier said than done.” Rick echoed Carl’s earlier words.
“I know but what’s the alternative? We spend out lives dwelling on something we
can’t change?” It was no way to live.
“No, you’re right.” Rick straightened up. “No point in that.”
Carl nodded, glad he seemed to be getting through to the man. “So, what’re we
gonna do about this baby?”
“You’re not gonna like this.” Rick stated. “Your Mom and I did talk about a few
options.” He hesistted once more. “One particular option seemed like the best.”
“What?”
“Your Mom moving back in.” He hastened to add. “To the spare room of course,
just for the pregnancy, and the first few months, then we’ll figure it out
again.”
“You were right; I don’t like it.”
“I know Carl but I don’t like the idea of her being on her own. What if
something happened to her or the baby? In times like these-” Rick cut himself
off. “It wouldn’t be good.”
“What do you mean ‘times like these?’”
“Nothing.” Rick replied quickly. “Just, you know modern day America, anyways
it’s not about that. How would you feel if she moved back in?”
He really didn’t know. The thought of seeing her everyday made his stomach
writhe, not dissimilar to how it felt only hours ago when he was puking his
guts up. It’s not about him, he reminded himself, it’s about that little baby.
He had to stop thinking of himself and start thinking about them. “I’d get over
it, it won’t be easy but I will. If you can do it then so can I.” It’d be
harder for his Father, he’d had plenty of time to get over the fact that Lori
cheated, Rick had only had a few months and even then he’d had a lot more to
think about. There was more emotion there, she was carrying his child, that
can’t be easy to live with.
“We’ll get through it together and…” Another pause, this time Rick looked more
pained, face scrunching up uncomfortably.
“And?” Carl prompted.
“And… I thought you could go stay with Negan whenever you needed a break. No
more one-a-week rule.”
His jaw droppped at that, the mood lightening that little bit. “Seriously?”
“Only after finals.” Rick warned. “And don’t take the piss, I do want you home
every now and again but if things get too much for you… well I’m not unhappy
that you’ve got someone to escape to.”
“Thanks Dad, I promise I won’t abandon you.”
“Not ‘till you go to college anyways.” Rick joked. “I’ll call your Mom in a
bit, let her know.”
“Alright, it’s gonna be weird having her around again… like nothing’s changed.”
Rick hand moved suddenly, reaching over to grasp Carl’s. “Except everything’s
changed. No matter what happens, it’s different. You and I we’re different. You
aren’t on your own anymore and if she says anything and I mean anything to hurt
or upset you then I’ll move her out.”
His lips twitched up into a small smile. “Thanks Dad.”
“Don’t thank me it’s my job.” Rick returned the smile, the first he’d seen from
the man in far too long.
“You know we’ve got a lot of work to do before she moves in right? That room’s
a mess, we don’t even have a bed, let alone a crib.”
Rick gave a heavy sigh, “We’re gonna have to go shopping again aren’t we?”
“Oh yeah.”  Carl confirmed, not a prospect he was looking forward to. “Can’t
have her sleeping on the floor.”
“That would be bad.”
“Yep. C’mon, let’s go.”
“What? Now?” Rick responded, complete with a wide-eyed, caught in the
headlights look.
“Yup. Get it all over and done with.” Carl said, getting back on his feet.
“Let’s go.” He gestured to the door, rolling his eyes when Rick’s face turned
sour. “Don’t sulk, you’re supposed to be the responsible one.”
“Shut it.” Rick ruffled his hair in retaliation on his way to get his jacket.
It was certainly gonna be a long day.




***** Summer *****
Chapter Notes
     Nearly at the end guys! Can't believe it :D I hope you all enjoy this
     one! I'm still unsure how I feel about it, I just hate winding down a
     fic, it feels so underwhelming, but the ending will more than make up
     for it I promise!
     Also check out this AMAZING photoset by violette-pleasures of all the
     locations from the fic. It's absolutely stunning!
     http://violette-pleasures.tumblr.com/post/170239959764/one-of-my-
     favorite-things-about-awareslaura-s
     Enjoy <3
“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees,
 just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life
                  was beginning over again with the summer.” 
                             ― F. Scott Fitzgerald
                                        
===============================================================================
                                   July_2018
                                        


Summer had always been an unusual time for him, up until he was 15 it had been
filled with never-ending days of playing under the blazing heat with whichever
of his parents were at home with him. Each day as idyllic as movies, bubbling
laughter could be heard for miles, happy memories were made each and every
summer. That was until his parents decided that he was mature enough to stay at
home on his own. The first summer had been mind-numbingly boring, his parents
working long hours, the only entertainment he had was the television, his
friends, and the occasional visit from Shane. Then his summers had been filled
with avoiding the man as much as he could, spending long days outside just so
he wouldn’t be at home for any surprise visits. He hit the library, mindlessly
reading the same book over and over again, taking nothing in. He ran mile after
mile, the sun burning away at his skin only forced him to run faster and
faster. It was a miserable time, he was constantly looking over his shoulder,
hardly ever taking the time to relax, it made him wistful for that summer of
boredom that he used to look back on with such disdain.
This particular summer was turning out to be much the same, for an entirely
different reason, yet it still had him racing out of the door every chance he
got. His Mother moved in right after graduation, a slightly bittersweet ending
to an otherwise happy day. He thought it’d be easier to handle having her back,
that maybe because he was in a better place he’d find it easier to tolerate
her. He was so very wrong. Her mere presence seemed to pick at his nerves, it
was like his senses flared up when she entered the room, he was hyper-aware of
everything she did, every move she made. All he wanted was to leave the room as
quickly as possible or have her leave the room, he just wanted them to be
apart. He did his best to stay, pushed his own resolve to breaking point but he
had to get better, he couldn’t keep running. Especially from a person that was
gonna be in his life for the rest of it, whether or not he wanted it, she was
his Mother, and the Mother of his sibling and he’d do everything in his power
to ensure that they never knew how he truly felt about her, that they’d never
know the worst of her. So he sat there, listening to her talking, answering her
questions, all with a polite smile plastered on his face. At least he knew his
Dad appreciated it, it would’ve been only too easy to escape to Negan’s place
all the time, God knows, the man wouldn’t have complained about having him
there.
It was all the harder when it was just the pair of them when his Dad wasn’t
around to break the tension. He knew Lori wanted to talk about what had
happened between them, he could see it on her face, tucked away behind blue
eyes that would stare at him a little too long. He never let her, whenever the
topic veered too close he managed to swing the conversation around before
making his excuses to leave. That afternoon had been one of those occasions,
they’d been sat in the living room, drinking coffee together. Well, he’d been
drinking coffee, she was drinking some weird tea that smelled like those awful
mints that you get in little tins. He could see her gaze darting over to him
every other second, feel it burn on his face for a moment before it left again.
He’d adamantly ignored it at first, focusing on the dark swirl on his coffee in
the old mug, one of his Dad’s he noted. Eventually, he’d snapped and asked her
why she kept staring. She’d fumbled an excuse at him, denying that she’d been
looking at him. He’d huffed at that blatant lie, taking a quick swig of his
coffee before jumping off the couch. The excuse he mumbled at her was hardly
worth saying, he didn’t really need to justify leaving but some semblance of a
dutiful son forced him to do so. He’d made it halfway off the drive before he’d
pulled back onto it, guilt biting at him. It took him half a minute to grab his
cell from the pocket, dialing the number ingrained into his mind.
“I need a pep talk.” He spoke as soon as the call picked up.
“Well hello to you too sunshine.” Negan’s gravelly voice came through the
phone.
Carl gave a sheepish sigh, he had been a bit too keen. “Sorry, hi.”
“Hi. So what’s this pep talk shit?”
“I just walked out on my Mom, and now I feel bad.”
“Ah, so you need me to tell you to stop being an idiot and go back in there and
talk to your Mother.”
“Yes! Please!.”
“Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.” Negan replied.
“What? I thought that was your thing?”
“Only when you’re actually being an idiot. After what she did she has no right
to talk to you. I’m not gonna force you to go back in there if you don’t want
to.”
“Really?”
“Nope, I’m not that fuckin’ heartless.”
“Sooo if I left here now and came to yours then you wouldn't give me a
lecture.”
“No finger wagging… unless you want one.” Negan added, spoken in such a way
that had Carl blushing in the car, the faint memory of Negan’s last attempt at
disciplining him still haunted his fantasies.
“I’ll be there soon.” He managed to reply.
“Alright, see you Darlin’”
He slipped his cell back in his pocket the second it clicked off, throwing the
car back into reverse, he’d been good enough recently it was time he got his
reward.
**********
Negan was out front when he pulled up, back turned to the driveway, crouched
down to sort something on his bike. He wasn’t wearing his shirt, the sun beamed
down on the golden expanse of his broad back, Carl could see specs of grease
litter his body the closer he got to him.
“Hey darlin’,” Negan called over his shoulder, “be with you in a sec.”
“S’fine, take your time.” He really meant it, he loved seeing Negan work, loved
seeing the muscles shift under his skin as he moved around with a cocky
confidence that sent shivers down Carl’s back. Carl leaned against one of the
sturdier trees that sheltered the cabin, folding his arms over his chest, he
waited for him to finish, hungry gaze taking in every inch of flesh exposed to
him, flickering even faster when the man stood, turning to face him. Even with
grease on his face the man still looked gorgeous, the black marks only
highlighting his rugged features.
“You done staring?” Negan asked.
“Ummm, nope,” Carl answered, pointedly dragging his eyes down the lean figure.
“You’re such a perv,” Negan threw a dirty rag at him. “Get your ass over here.”
Who would he be to ignore an order like that? He tried to keep his pace slow,
did his best to not run over there and jump the man like his hormones demanded.
His hands were itching by the time he reached Negan, begging him to just reach
out and touch. He didn’t. He didn’t have to. The second he was in grabbing
distance, Negan reached out and pulled him in, hands finding their usual spot
cradling his neck before their lips met.
No matter how many times they did they Carl would never get used to it, each
one felt like the first, his heart thudded just as hard, breath still caught in
his throat. He pushed closer, palms meeting hot skin, slicked with a light
sheen of sweat. The smell of oil filled his nose, mingling with Negan’s usual
aftershave, it was intoxicating.
“You alright?” Negan breathed, pulling back just enough to catch those blue
eyes.
Carl swallowed hard, tongue nipping out to wet his dry lips, not failing to
notice Negan’s hooded eyes trailing the pink muscle. “Yeah, I’m good. You?”
Negan nodded, taking a moment to step away from the teen, jumpin’ him within
five minutes of getting there wasn’t exactly part of his plan. “I’m alright’
just fixin’ up the bike.”
“Is it alright?” Carl wasn’t exactly an expert on bikes yet he let his eyes
flicker over it, looking for a problem that needed fixing. He had no idea what
he was looking for but it seemed like the thing people did.
“It’s fine, just needed a lil' TLC, should be fine now.”
“Good, I’m glad.”
“Ooh, I bet you are.”
Carl eyed him suspiciously. “What do you mean by that?” There was definitely
something more to that statement if the glint in dark eyes were anything to go
by.
“Oh, nothin’.” Negan brushed it off, faux-innocence clouding his voice. He
walked around the bike to grab one of the cleaner-looking rags, clearing his
hands of excess grease. Smirking to himself, finding out just how much Carl
loved his bike had certainly been an interesting conversation, even if the teen
couldn't remember it. He caught Carl just as his lips opened to speak,
interrupting with a question of his own. “So how’s your Dad doin’?”
Carl’s mouth flopped uselessly, he hadn’t been expecting that change. “Uh,
yeah, he’s alright, I think. We haven’t spoken much.” He leaned back against
the bike, arms crossing once again. “He’s been away at work a lot.”
“Actually workin’ or trying to avoid your Mom?” He joined Carl by the bike,
arms barely brushing as they stood side-by-side.
Carl exhaled, he’d tried not to think of it like that. “Working, I think, it’s
been busy at the station recently, he won’t talk about it but I know it’s got
him stressed.” He hoped that he was right. He’d made a promise to his Dad not
to leave him alone with his Mom all the time so the man damn well better hold
himself to the same promise.
“I’m sure it’ll get easier, and he’ll be home more when the baby comes.”
“When I leave,” Carl added.
Negan hesitated before he replied. “Yeah, when you leave.”
They stood in silence for a moment, the reminder of their impending separation
weighing heavily in each of their minds. As voluntary, and temporary, as it
was, it didn’t make the prospect any easier. Each day since graduation seemed
to fly past, the time they had together slipping away fast than quick-sand.
“Still, I’m sure he’ll find some time to spend with you before you go.” Negan
tried to boost the mood, jostling Carl softly on the shoulder. “And anytime you
don’t get with him, means I get some time with you.”
Carl wrinkled his face. “Is that supposed to be a good thing?”
Negan barked out a laugh, “You lil’ shit.” He shifted around to stand in front
of the teen, leaning in closer. “If you wanna go then you’re free to.”
“Hmmm, I dunno, depends if there’s anything worth sticking around for.” Carl
baited the man, biting his lower lip enticingly.
Negan smirked, arms coming to rest on the bike either side of Carl’s waist,
pinning the teen in place. “Well, I do have an idea.”
“Oh yeah?” A shiver ran up his spine at his words, mind racing with ideas of
just what they could do that day. Maybe they could finally give the whole sex
on the couch thing a go...
“Mmm, well, I gotta give credit where credit’s due, it’s your idea.”
He lost him there, what idea? “Huh?”
“Mmm, don’t you remember?” Negan teased. “Y’know? What you told me about the
bike?”
“Bike?” When had they spoken about the bike and just what idea did he have?
“What, uh, what did I say about it?”
“I guess you were pretty drunk.” Oh god, just what had his drunk-ass-self said?
“You told me allll about how much you just looooved my bike. Your words, not
mine.” Shit, shit, shit, shit. “Mmhmm, yeah, not the only thing you said of
course.” Negan inched closer, eyes locked on Carl’s, waiting for the
recognition to snap into place. “Any ideas what else you might have said?”
“N-no.” Carl cleared his throat, no way had he told him anything else, no
amount of alcohol would have got him to tell him that.
“Hmmm, maybe I can jog your memory.” Negan’s hands slipped onto Carl’s hips,
digging in softly before he pushed him back, encouraging him to sit up on the
bike. Carl’s thighs spread around his hips when he stepped closer, the teen’s
hands clutching at the seat under him.
“Is this supposed to help jog my memory?” Carl’s voice was breathy, already
tinged with a heavy lust that was melting a path through his veins. God the man
had hardly touched him and he was ready to tear off his clothes. Hands still
gripping his hips held him firm, keeping him steady on the smooth leather seat,
more importantly keeping him flush against Negan.
“Isn’t it?” One hand slid up Carl’s stomach, fingertips brushing warm skin as
he drew up his shirt, leaning back to tug it over his head.
“N-no.”
Negan’s head dipped down, nose just touching the soft flesh of his neck,
nudging it’s way up the long length, breathing in the delicious sweetness that
was Carl. He loved how sensitive he was, each exhale against him elicited the
most wonderful shivers from the teen. “It involved you,” He placed a ghost of a
kiss just behind his ear, “and me,” another kiss, right below the earlobe, “and
this bike,” one more kiss, right where he could feel Carl’s pulse throb beneath
the skin, he felt the teen’s breath hitch at that.
“O-oh, and, uh, what did I say we should do?”
Negan chuckled against his skin, the sound vibrating through his whole body.
“Go for a ride.”
Carl’s body sagged in relief, so he hadn’t told him about the stupid fantasy
that kept hounding his dreams. Stupid, fucking Negan teasing him like that. He
opened his mouth to chastise him when the man’s next words stole them right
from his lips.
“I say go for a ride, you meant you go for a ride...” He nipped at the soft
skin of Carl’s earlobe, before finishing his sentence, letting his voice dip in
the way he knew drove Carl crazy. “On me.”
Carl’s eyes bugged out, so he had said something stupid. Fucking stupid, idiot,
Carl, way to make your perverted mind obvious. “D-did I?”
“Uh-huh.”
Fingers found their way into his hair, the pads massaging his scalp, Carl
arched into it, head lolling back into that sinful hand. Any shame slipped away
as Negan’s mouth trailed over his neck, stubble scratching at the flesh as his
lips kissed every inch of skin there, alternating between barely-there pecks
and lingering kisses that seared a wet heat into him. “W-what else did I say?”
“Mmmm, so many things Carl.” His words were muffled by Carl’s neck, his mouth
far too busy working wicked patterns into the spot that made Carl grip the seat
even harder, a soft gasp escaping his lips. His teeth sunk in gently, toying
with the flesh, darkening the creamy skin to a dull red. “Never knew you could
be so filthy.” The last word was accompanied by a slow grind of his hips, his
hand slipped around to splay over the small of Carl’s back, holding their
aching pricks together. The other hand clenched in his hair, forcing his head
back so their eyes could meet. Negan’s eyes were daring, head cocked to the
side as he looked Carl over, challenging him with his words. “Wanna give it a
go?”
Panting hard now, his heart thudding as hard as drums in his head, Carl met
Negan’s gaze with a challenge of his own. “Think you can handle it?” He reached
down to palm his hardness, repaying the man’s teasing with his own. “You feel
like you’re ready to blow now.” He cocked his head innocently. “Don’t wanna get
my hopes up.”
Negan growled, diving in to silence him with a bruising kiss, tongue slipping
through his lips to explore every crevice of his moist, hot mouth, his passion
driving Carl incoherent. Carl pulled him tighter, linking his hands together
behind his neck to keep him in place, allowing the other man’s hands to tug at
his hair, pushing his head how he wanted it. Negan withdrew as quickly as he’d
come in, stopping Carl’s lips trailing after his. They panted hard against one
another, lips just brushing with each inhale that swayed them together. “Turn
around,” Negan said, voice rough with lust.
It took Carl a moment to work out what he’d said, he blinked blindly at the man
before his brain caught up. Negan placed some distance between them, just
enough to let Carl move, not enough to let him move without shifting up against
Negan’s hard form. He could practically feel every muscle as he moved, could
more than feel the hardness that jutted out at him as he turned to face the
bike that had started this all. Negan’s hands clasped his hips, shifting him
back before one shifted up to guide him down, leaving him to bend over the
seat, forearms resting on the warm leather.
He watched Negan’s shadow move, felt his hands trail possessively down his
waist, flaring out over his hips. “You alright?” Negan asked.
Carl nodded dumbly, body trembling with anticipation, breath quickening when
the hands reached around to unfasten his shorts, tugging them down skinny legs.
He watched them fall with his boxers down to his sneakers, saw Negan crouch to
pull them off, leaving him naked in the bright daylight. A wicked shiver shot
through him at being so exposed, anyone that drove up would see them there,
would see him so spread out over the bike he’d spent so long daydreaming about.
He bit his lip, hips shunted back hoping to spur Negan back into movement, the
man had spent far too long looking him over, Carl wanted to feel him.
A low chuckle was all he got in return. “Want somethin’?”
“Haven’t you done enough teasing?” Carl protested.
A slow hand slipped around his hip, Carl gasped as it wrapped around his hard
cock. “Haven’t you?” Negan retorted, his pace agonizingly slow, gently stroking
up and down.
“Ah, yesss. I’m sorry, I’ll be good.” He pleaded, hips shuffling back and forth
in the grip that was too loose to do anything but drive him crazy.
“You always are darlin’,” Negan rewarded him with a quick squeeze, pumping his
dick twice before letting go, leaving Carl to cry out pitifully at the loss of
his touch. He reached down to grab it himself but was stopped before he could
get lower than his waist, the offending hand was placed back onto the seat. “No
touching till I say so, got it?”
Carl nodded frantically, lust shooting through him at the order. Negan had
never been so dominant before and he’d be lyin’ if he said he wasn’t loving
every second of it. He willed his hands to still, tries to ignore the throbbing
ache that’s only intensifying between his legs.
“Good boy.” Hands find his ass, massaging the firm globes, spreading them just
enough to peak between then, eyeing the gorgeously tight hole with nothing but
insatiable lust. “God, you’re so perfect.”
“Negan…” Carl pleaded, twisting his head around to look at Negan, flashing
pleading eyes up at the man. “Please?” It wasn’t enough, it was never enough.
He wanted more of his hands on him, wanted to feel every inch of the man
against him. His eyes watched as Negan drew a small bottle out of his pocket,
was that? “Is that lube ?” He questioned.
“Uhh, yeah, kinda need it, Carl, if you want anythin’ goin’ in that gorgeous
ass of yours.”
Carl glared back at him, face flushing at his words. “Why do you have lube in
your pocket?”
Negan flashed him a dirty grin, “Wishful thinkin’.”
“So you haven’t been planning this?” Such a fucking asshole.
“Only in my dreams.” Negan replied, distracting him for any further discussion
with a quick finger trailing over the twitching ring of muscles. He wasn’t
gonna admit that he’d had it all planned since Carl had said that he was coming
over. Deliberately taking his shirt off before heading out to 'work' on his
bike. “Relax.” He urged, massaging the flesh, waiting for Carl to do as he was
told before slipping a finger inside the teen. Dragging it in and out, watching
the digit disappear into the heat his dick was practically begging for. It took
all his self-control to keep things slow, aided by the sheer enjoyment of
watching Carl squirm on his bike. A spark of inspiration struck him, recalling
another part of Carl’s fantasy that he’d slurred at him. He withdrew his
finger, leaning over Carl to brace his own forearm next to Carl’s. “Wanna
help?”
“H-help? With what?” Carl panted, he thought they were finally passed this damn
teasing shit.
“Get you ready, of course.” He nuzzled along Carl’s shoulder blade, pressing
kisses along the bone. “I wanna see you prepare yourself for me.” Negan
murmured into his ear, linking their hands together.
Dear Lord, Negan was gonna be the death of him. Just how much had he revealed
to the man when he was drunk? He swallowed hard, letting Negan slip their hands
back, he eased his head back to watch him drizzle the lube over his own
fingers, the cold liquid a sharp contrast to his overheated flesh. Well, if the
man wanted a show then he’d damn well give him one. He bit his lip again,
looking Negan straight in the eye before trailing his fingers across his hip,
down to his entrance. He saw Negan’s eyes dropped just in time to see the
finger get swallowed up by the small channel. His own fluttered shut, moaning
at the feel of finally getting something inside of him. His dick twitched when
he quickly added a second finger, shuffling back onto it with awkward thrusts
of his hips. His shoulder ached, his wrist shifted weirdly to try and get his
fingers in as deep as possible. Small huffs of pleasure left his mouth, breath
steaming the seat under him.
“You look fuckin’ amazing. Good enough to fucking eat.” He couldn’t take his
eyes off him, torn between watching the pleasure spread over his face and the
fingers plunging their way into his body. He really was perfect. “You nearly
ready?”
“Uh-huh.” Carl moaned, lost in the heat melting away at his brain. He couldn't
think, all he could focus on was the feeling of being filled, of needing more.
He slipped a third finger inside the soft tissue, bemoaning the awkward angle
that meant he couldn’t go deeper. Another wave of need washing over him at the
sound of Negan unbuckling his belt, the slow lower of his zipper.
Negan couldn't get his dick out quickly enough, the ache nearly too much to
bear. He grabbed the lube again, slicking it all over himself, eyes rolling
back at the friction on his dick. He jerked himself quickly, trying to imprint
the fuckin’ decadent image in front of him into his brain. Somethin’ to think
about when Carl was thousands of miles away.
Carl tugged his fingers out, flushing at the humiliatingly wet sound as they
slipped out of his body. He was done, he wanted Negan, and he wanted him now.
Placing his forearm back on the seat next to the other, he rested his forehead
on them, raising his hips enticingly. “Negan, now, please .”
“Not like this,” Negan growled, grabbing Carl’s shoulders to lift him back up.
“Wha-why not?” Carl asked, his body protesting the sudden deviation.
“Because that’s not how you said, and you know I’m one for following orders.”
He gave Carl a wink, shifting him out of the way so he could seat himself on
the bike, straddling the seat, he patted his lap. “Now you hop on.”
If he wasn’t so turned on he would’ve rolled his eyes at him. Trust him to use
any excuse to drive him fucking crazy. He let Negan manhandle him into his lap,
straddling the man, legs draped over his hips. It wasn’t the steadiest position
if it wasn’t for Negan’s strong grip on his hips he was certain he’d fall off.
He rocked his hips against him.
“C’mon, I’m ready.”
“Put it in yourself,” He ordered against his chest, lips mouthing their way
along Carl’s collarbone.
Carl didn’t hesitate, just used an arm around Negan’s neck to shift himself up
as the other slid between them grabbing hold of his dick before sliding himself
onto it. He didn’t have the strength to take it slowly, just let gravity lower
him onto the thick length that filled him so perfectly. His body fit Negan’s as
if he was made to take it. He trembled, eyes closing to drink in the white-hot
pleasure that zinged around his body, from the sudden pressure on his pleasure
spot. His breath came in heavy pants, his hips rocking slowly, grinding himself
down onto Negan.
He felt Negan’s hand’s slither down his thighs, tracing back up to grip his
hips, helping him move faster. Small, sharp thrusts sent sparks flying behind
his eyes, needlepoint-precision had his dick hitting that perfect spot every
single time, making his head spin. He canted his own hips harder, riding him
faster, trying to get more of that bliss inside of him. His hands clutched at
Negan’s shoulders, curling around his neck to pull him closer, feeling their
heaving chests meet.
“Oh yes, fuck me, fuck me.” His words were a mantra against Negan’s lips. He
slid his fingers into dark locks, holding him to their kiss, tongues joining
together. His lips never truly left the other man’s, they ghosted over one
another, exchanging air in the small space. They writhed against one another,
chasing their climax with a fervent passion.
Heat coiled in Negan’s body, his arms aching almost painfully with the effort
of bouncing Carl in his lap, legs tense to ensure they didn’t knock the bike.
Not that he cared, it only added to the mind-numbing pleasure of having Carl’s
tight heat clenching down on him. Hell, someone could drive a fuckin’ ax into
his head and he’d die a happy man.
“Close.” He grunted against Carl’s lips, drawing his lower body closer so the
teen could grind his dick on his stomach.
“Yes, yes, yes, come inside me, fill me up.” He pushed his hips to work faster,
grateful that he finally had something to press his dick against. He could feel
his own climax on the tip of his tongue, all he wanted was to feel it rush over
him, to feel Negan spill into him.
He felt Negan’s sweat-slicked muscles tense, felt the sharp exhale against his
lips before a warm heat filled him. Carl threw his head back, a guttural moan
bursting out of his mouth, muscles clenching as he found his own climax,
sparked by the rush of heat inside of him. He spilled between them, slicking
their already-damp chests with his pleasure, grinding into it as he rode it
out.
“So, how was that?” Negan panted, hot breath steaming his already burning
flesh.
“Fucking perfect,” Carl muttered, body limp against Negan, completely
breathless. Lush, kiss-plumped lips caressed his sensitive throat “I don’t
think I can walk now.”
They both burst into an uncontrollable laughter at his words, the afterglow of
ecstasy bubbling through the pair of them. Negan’s deep rumbling laughter was
enough to keep him smiling, it was a sound that he’d never forget.
Carl dragged Negan for a shower after that, unable to bear the sticky, grease
any longer. It took him several attempts to get off the bike, his legs like
jelly after that particular encounter. Not to mention all the times he had to
hit Negan for laughing at him, chuckling away at a personal ‘Bambi’ joke. He
got his revenge, he always did. He teased him with lingering touches in the
shower, attacking his body with steamy kisses that had the man hard in no time
before ditching him in the shower. Leaving Negan to chase after him.
They settled on the couch later, each lying in a corner, their legs tangling
together in the middle. “So it’s weird havin’ your Mom at home?”
“Yep.” He said with a heavy sigh. “Kinda like before, I can’t really be around
her. I try, I really try but I can’t help it.”
“It can’t be easy Carl, I think you’re doin’ great.”
“Doesn’t always feel like it.” He rubbed his face, trying to dispel the
frustration that slipped over him. “I’m hoping it’ll be easier when I come back
from college, maybe being away for a while will help.”
“And the baby will be there, that’ll distract you at least.”
“God yeah, weird to think that.”
“You’ll be fine. They’re gonna love you.”
“I hope so, or I’ll be over here every night.” Carl joked.
“Pft every night? I don’t have the energy for that.”
“Gettin’ too old for it?”
“I meant to deal with your whining.” Negan retorted, chuckling at the sharp jab
of toes in his ribs. “I can handle your ass anytime.”
“Shut it, I don’t whine.” Carl pouted.
“No, you don’t Darlin’.” Negan placated him, holding his hands up in a
surrender. “You’re the perfect lil’ snowflake.”
“Ugh.” Carl groaned, throwing his head back onto the couch. “It’s gonna be a
long summer.”
**********
He wasn’t wrong. The days dragged the only occasions when time flew by where
the previous afternoons that he spent tucked away in Negan’s cabin. It had been
his intention to go there today, spend some more time with the man,
unfortunately, his Dad had other ideas. He’d been dragged outta bed at the
crack of dawn, no explanation was given, just the duvet stripped off him with a
shout to ‘get up!’
That’s how he found himself in his Dad’s cruiser, trying to figure out exactly
where they were going. “You gonna tell me what we’re doing?” He asked for the
tenth time.
“You’ll find out in a bit.” Was the brisk reply.
“It better be worth getting out of bed at this time.” The sun was only just
peaking out on the horizon, decorating the road with a hazy gold.
“It’s important Carl, everything I teach you is important. Remember that.” Rick
said with a seriousness that Carl hadn’t heard in awhile. His body showing the
same tension that had possessed him for weeks.
“Dad, what’s going on?” It worried him to see the man like this, the light-
heartedness that had seeped into their relationship in recent months was slowly
disappearing, replaced with a somber unease that hung over them both.
“Nothin’, I just want you to be safe.”
“Is this about me moving? I’ll be fine in the city Dad, Negan told me all the
places to avoid.” He tried to put him at ease. Him moving away wasn't gonna be
easy on any of them, especially his Father.
Rick didn’t reply, just let his eyes focus on the road.
Carl sighed, sensing he wasn’t gonna get through to him, he turned to look at
the window once more, brows furrowing when he realized where they were. “The
gun range?” He questioned. “Is that where we’re going?” A stupid question,
there wasn’t anything else up here, the road ended with the range just outside
the forest.
“Yep, gonna make sure you know how to use one.”
“Dad, I’m not takin’ a gun with me.”
“You don’t have to, I just need to know that you know what to do with them.” It
was a half-assed explanation even to his ears, but appearances didn’t matter in
times like this. Not when he had to keep his baby safe.
“I know how to shoot a gun,” Carl replied, failing to mention exactly who had
taught him how to use one.
“I’m not talkin’ about the ones you play on your games Carl, I’m talkin’ about
real ones that can do real damage.”
Carl rolled his eyes, he wasn’t a child. “I know Dad, that doesn’t change what
I said. S-” He hesitated, he hated mentioning him in front of his Dad. “Shane
taught me.”
Rick’s eyes flickered over to him incredulously. “ Shane taught you? When?”
“A few years ago, he used to take me out back and let me shoot his gun. It was
just a bit of fun whenever he babysat.”
“I can’t believe that. Wait, no I can. Fuckin’ irresponsible asshole.”
“Yeah, well, either way, he taught me to shoot so we can go back. Go to the
movies or something?” He offered, he really wasn’t keen to go back to the
range, not after his last visit.
“No, he might have taught you wrong.”
Not likely, Carl didn’t bother saying it, he could see the resolve on Rick’s
face. It would be pointless for him to try and convince him to do otherwise. So
he watched the trees go past, trying to calm himself enough that he wouldn’t
think about Shane. He just hoped that he could remember enough to make sure
that he proved to his Dad that they didn’t need to come out here again.
They went outside this time, the range was dead this time of the morning, it
was just him and his Father out there. They each took a simple .22 revolver,
taking enough bullets with them to last them a day of shooting. Even with
Carl’s protests, Rick took the time to explain how to load and unload. He
dragged him through the basics of shooting, all about the safety catch and the
importance of a good stance. Carl tried to rush him through it, tried to play
the dutiful son and be interested in what he was saying but he’d already heard
it so many times from Shane. It was the only good thing the man had taught him
how to do.
It took well over half an hour for Carl to actually start shooting and even
then he had Rick breathing down his neck. He managed two shots before he had to
step away, breathing hard at the memory of another man doing the same.
“You alright Carl?”
“M’fine.” He spoke through clenched teeth. Don’t snap at him he reminded
himself. “Just… can you not stand so close?” He asked.
“Oh, yeah, sure.”
Carl turned back to face him. “Why don’t you practice too? I’m sure you can
watch me at the same time.”
Rick thankfully took the hint, picking up his own weapon to practice. Carl
could feel his eyes burn into him between shots, he ignored it, letting his
mind float away with his own. He focused on what he was doing, keeping his
shoulders relaxed, eyes centered on the target in front of him, he breathed
with each of his shots, aiming with a precision that came from the years of
practice that he’d had. It helped to imagine Shane as his target, he got the
head every time.
“Wow.” Rick walked past him, observing his shots. “You’ve got a good aim
there.” He shouted over the noise.
“Thanks.” He whipped his ear protection off. “Like I said, I’ve done this
before.”
“Yeah, well, I just wanted to see.” Rick had the decency to look slightly
sheepish, embarrassed by his earlier insistence.
“It’s fine Dad. At least we got to spend time together.”
“Yeah, haven’t really done that much recently have we?”
“Not with the amount you’ve been working.” Carl pointed out.
Just the reminder of work had Rick grimacing, he didn't need a reminder about
all the hours that he'd been putting in. All the reports he had to read, the
things they said... no, now wasn't the time to think about it. “It’s been
busy.”
“As long as it’s just work,” Carl spoke, heading back into the main building to
drop his gun off.
Rick chased after him, “What does that mean?”
They walked back to the car, leaving behind the burning stench of the range.
“Well, is work busy or are you just trying to get away from Mom?”
“No, is that what you think?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know what to think, all I know is you’ve been out a lot
recently and all you say is that you’re working.” He pointed out.
Rick slid into the car, waiting for Carl to join him before he set off. “I am
working Carl. There’s a lot goin’ on. A lot that I can’t tell you, just trust
me. If I could be home more then I would be. I don’t like forcing you to be on
your own with your Mom.”
“Yeah, can’t say it’s fun.”
“Is it that bad?” Rick asked.
“Not bad. It’s just hard to talk to her.” Understatement of the year but he
didn’t want to make his Dad feel too bad about leaving him for work all the
time.
“She said you’re around a lot though. I’m grateful for that Carl, I know it’s
hard but I don’t like the thought of her being on her own.”
“I’ll do my best to stick around.”
“Thank you.”
“So what do you think of my shooting? Did I need the practice?” A shameless
attempt at getting his Dad to admit he was wrong, and judging by the look on
Rick’s face he knew it.
“Your shooting’s fine. You need to relax your shoulders more though.”
Complete bullshit. “Shut up.” He bit back at him, settling down in his seat to
look out of the window. What was with these guys and teasing him?
************
                                  August_2018
                                        
As much as he was dreading leaving this place, he wasn’t going to miss the
near-constant food demands from his Mother. One minute he’d be lying in the
garden listening to his music under the warm glow of the sun, the next he’d be
under Target’s fluorescent lighting looking out for whatever it was his Mom was
craving at the time. This time it was strawberry ice cream, hidden away right
at the back of the store. He took his time winding through the aisles, as
annoying as these trips were, at least it was a chance to leave the house
without upsetting her. Just as he was wandering down an aisle with pitchforks,
who knew they even sold pitchforks in here when he saw a familiar figure, white
wings spread out over leather-clad shoulders. He hadn’t seen him in awhile, and
certainly not like this. The man was more unkempt than usual, hair twisted with
knots, leather vest more stained that it had ever been. He didn’t look happy,
his usually serene face seemed twisted in an anger as he glared at the
gardening gloves in his sight. It took him a good minute to figure out whether
to sneak away before the man noticed him or go up and say hi. His dilemma was
solved when Daryl looked up and caught sight of him. Hunter senses or
something, maybe he just noticed the only other person in the aisle freeze up.
“Hey, Daryl.” Even as he said it he knew it sounded awkward. It felt like he
shouldn’t be talking to him, almost like being disloyal to his Dad.
“Hey Carl, how’re you?”
“I’m good, thanks. How are you? Haven’t seen you much…” He let his words trail
off, watching Daryl’s face for a sign of what might have happened with him and
his Dad. Naturally, he didn’t give anything away, not even a flicker of emotion
crossed his face, not that it was unusual for Daryl, he was hard to read at the
best of times.
“Yeah,” He cleared his throat, trying again. “Yeah, it’s been busy.”
“Oh.” An awkward pause.
“How’s your Dad?”
“He’s good,” Now that got a response, a speck of sorrow tinged turquoise eyes
before disappearing. “I mean, he’s busy with work, and Mom.”
“Your Mom?” He questioned.
Oh shit, has he not spoken to Daryl? Fucking shit, he should not be allowed to
open his mouth. “Yeah, um, she’s, uh, pregnant.” He desperately looked for
anything to settle his eyes on that wasn’t the heartbroken look on Daryl’s
face. “He didn’t know.” He added hastily. “He only found out after my trip to
Seattle, then he got kinda caught up in it. They’re not together, he’s just…
helping.” His sentence ended lamely, a failed attempt at making him feel
better.
“Right, well, good luck to ‘em,” Daryl said, an anger taking hold of him. “And
good luck to you Carl, with college, I’m sure you’ll kick ass.” That was more
genuine than the first part.
“Thanks.” What else could he say? He wanted to know the reason behind the man's
sudden absence but he couldn't ask Daryl, not here anyway.
“Anyways, I gotta go, was nice talkin’ to ya.” He strode off before Carl could
reply with his own farewell, all he could do was watch the wings on his worn
wings fade into the distance. It was a sad thought that the image of him
walking away might be the last time they spoke. Although he'd only been in his
life a short time, it had been enough for him to want to have him in it. Not
just for himself, but for his Dad, the man had been so happy around Daryl. It
couldn't be a coincidence that Rick had become so tense, and miserable since
Daryl's absence. It was easy to see that the two men helped each other, made
the other happy. Which made it all the more infuriating that they weren't
spending time together anymore, the lack of explanation was doing his head in.
He didn’t have a chance to talk to his Dad about the encounter until the next
day. They’d decided to spend the weekend decorating the nursery, just the two
of them, Rick didn’t want his Mom inhaling paint fumes or some crap. Carl
reckoned he just wanted her out of the room. They painted side by side, working
together to coat the plain white with a sunshine yellow. His Mother’s choice,
she wanted it to be a bright and happy place for the baby.
“I saw Daryl yesterday.” He couldn't think of a more tactful way of telling
him.
Rick dropped the brush at his words, swearing as paint splashed all over his
jeans, coating the protective sheet they’d put on the floor. “Huh, did you? How
is he?”
“Fine, except for the whole ‘not knowing about Mom’ thing.” He glared at Rick
for putting him in that position. It would've been good to know that Daryl
hadn't known about it.
“You told him?” Rick's eyes flared with annoyance. That was not how he wanted
Daryl to find out. God, he didn't even know if he wanted Daryl to find out. Not
with how things were between them. The man must hate him know. He hated himself
after the last time they saw each other, he'd been vile to him. The shame had
kept him away from Daryl, even the thought of calling made him want to run a
mile.
“Yes, I told him. Don't get pissy with me, it slipped out, I thought you
would've told him by now."
“Shit, how did he take it?” He was almost afraid to ask, the thought of causing
Daryl any more pain hurt him deeply.
“I dunno, think he was upset. Probably because he didn’t find out from you.”
Carl pointed out.
“I should’ve told him.”
“Why didn’t you? He’s your friend, after all, surely he’d be happy for you?”
How could he ever explain it to Carl? What he'd done, how he made Daryl feel.
He couldn't explain what had happened between them, how things had gone so
wrong so very quickly. “I just didn’t have the time Carl, things have been so
busy with the baby, and work. I haven’t had much time for anything else.”
“Even Daryl? Thought you guys were close?”
“We are.” Rick protested, or they were until he fucked it up big time. “I’ll
talk to him about it. Soon.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, once things have settled down I’ll give him a call.” He wouldn’t, he
couldn't imagine ever talking to him again, couldn’t imagine Daryl ever wanting
to hear from him again.
“Alright.” Carl took him at his word. “I hope you do.” He added several minutes
later after they’d picked their brushes up, lashing the wall with that lemon
yellow. “He’s good for you and going by the state of him when I saw him, you’re
good for him too. Don’t give that up. Whatever happened with you guys I’m sure
you can fix it.”
Rick’s brush paused against the wall, body coming to a standstill. He doubted
that he didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself for it, let alone Daryl
forgiving him. “Maybe.” He left it at that, moving over to another side of the
room, ending all discussion of the man that lingered in his thoughts.
**********
                                September_2018
                                        
As the summer faded into autumn Carl’s heart grew heavier, with each day came
more worries, every time he saw a new leaf fall to the floor was a reminder of
how little time he had left before he moved. Each day with Negan never felt
like enough, no kiss would satisfy him, no matter how many times he gazed upon
his flesh he’d never memorize enough, never be able to imprint that devilish
smile, that adoring look in his eyes, the deep laughter. It was never enough.
Now here he was, turning up for the last evening they’d spend together in a
while. It had been pre-agreed that he’d spend his last day with his parents, a
final evening together before three became four. So he had to make do with an
earlier goodbye with Negan, one that would have to keep him sustained until the
man came to visit. It was a cruel prospect, an entire month without him, with
only phone calls and video chats to keep him going.
With a deep sigh, he stepped out of his car, locking it as he approached the
cabin. His wonderful cabin, his sanctuary, the place where he’d fallen apart
and pieced himself back together. He was gonna miss it almost as much as his
owner. As usual, the door was unlocked when he arrived, not like anyone was
gonna break in around here and anyone that might try would soon regret it when
they caught sight of Negan’s bat. He found Negan in the kitchen, busying
himself with a large basket on the dining table. The man grinned when he saw
him walk in.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Carl replied. “What’s with the basket?”
“Fancy a picnic?”
“At night?” Carl asked.
Negan rolled his eyes. “You have no idea about romance do you?”
“You? Romantic? Really?”
Negan fixed him with a deadly glare. “Brace yourself kid, you’re about to be
swept off your damn feet.”
“As long as I can eat them I’m happy,” Carl replied, his stomach rumbling at
the delicious smell coming from the basket.
“C’mon then let’s go.” Negan grabbed the basket, stopping to give Carl a quick
peck on the lips before heading out the door, calling behind him. “Grab the
blankets by the door.”
Carl did as told, grabbing the soft wool as he walked out into the evening. It
was still warm for autumn, the summer heat still lingering in the gentle
breeze. The leaves crunched under their boots as they walked through the forest
still thick with tall, leafy trees. Carl knew where they were going as if
they’d go anywhere else. The path was as familiar to him as the street he lived
in, walk for ten minutes, turn right at the big tree stump, walk again until
you get to the rocks, climb for a few minutes and then there you were, staring
out onto the vast trees that made the forest.
The sun was just setting as they reached the clearing, coloring the sky a deep
red, coating the trees in a pink glow. The view never failed to take his breath
away, it always felt like that first time he laid his eyes on it, made him feel
that tingle of peace. When strong arms wrapped around his waist he leaned back,
resting into the broad figure behind him.
“You alright?” Negan’s words were like the breeze in his hair, soft and gentle
against his ear.
“Yeah, just thinking about the first time we were up here.”
Negan’s chuckle rumbled against his back. “God, that feels like a lifetime
ago.”
“Mmm, nearly a year ago now.” How on earth could it only be a year? So much had
happened since, he'd changed so much, his whole life had changed so much. Every
part of him was different to that teenager that had stood up here, so scared,
hurting so badly that he didn't think he'd survive. He stood here with a man
that he had no idea would flip his world upside down. How naive he'd been to
ever think he could keep him out, that his walls wouldn't fall the second he'd
looked into loving, brown eyes. 
“Never thought we’d end up here.” Negan admitted. 
“Me either, I didn’t even know here was a place I wanted to be.”
“You mean you weren’t eyeing me up then?”
Carl laughed at that. “God no, I mean there was a moment when I thought… well,
I didn’t think, I kinda felt something but I didn’t think about you like that
for awhile.”
“Huh.”
“Why? Were you?”
“Little bit,” Negan confessed.
“Really? The scrawny damaged teen?”
Negan arms tightened around him for a moment. “No, the badass teen that I
couldn’t keep my eyes off of.”
“Couldn’t keep your eyes off? Really?”
“Yep, you’re fucking gorgeous.“
Carl could feel the blush burn on his cheeks, he’d never get used to the man’s
compliments, no doubt it’d take even longer for him to believe them.
“C’mon, let’s eat.” He gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek, pulling away from
the teen.
A small lamp lit up the blanket, the dark wool looking all the more inviting
when Negan settled onto it. They ate looking up at the stars, talking about the
future, of their past, both wondering how they ended up here. They settled
closer when the temperature dipped, Carl snuggling under Negan’s arm, watching
a plane soar over them. He’d be on one of them soon, in less than 48 hours he’d
be flying away from this place, from these arms. The thought elicited a heavy
sigh from his lungs, not even a flicker of excitement bubbled through him, the
reality too harsh to think of any positives.
“Stop thinkin’ about it,” Negan whispered into his ear.
He looked up at him, shifting onto his side. “I can’t help it.”
“It’s not forever.”
“I know, doesn’t make it easier.”
Negan rolled to face him, arm resting in the dip of Carl’s waist, hand curling
into the soft cotton. “We’ll be fine Carl, before you know it I’ll be up
visiting and this time we can spend the whole time in bed.”
His eyes glinted with a dark promise, Carl couldn’t help but smile back at him.
“Promise?”
“I promise.” He leaned in to join their lips, pressing them together softly.
“Y’know I made another promise once.”
“Really?” Just where was he going with this one?
“Mmmhmm.” He nuzzled across his cheek, spreading kisses along his jawline. “One
that I’ve yet to fulfill.”
“Oh really?” Carl’s breath caught as teeth teased at sensitive skin. His
stomach tingled with excitement, the last time Negan made such promises he’d
ended up on the ride of his life.
“Yup, I said that I’d spend the whole night, finding all the little spots
that’ll make you scream my name.” He felt Carl’s breathing increase, saw the
flush on his face, the lust in his eyes when he pulled back to look into them.
“Be a shame if you left without me fulfillin’ that.”
Carl’s mouth flopped uselessly, lust roaring in his stomach at the memory. God,
he’d been so hard after that, so lost in thoughts of the man doing just that
after he’d left to go for a shower. He’d almost forgotten about that promise,
now he shivered at the thought, pants growing uncomfortably tight. “It would be
a shame.” He sputtered out.
“I thought so too.” He kissed him hard, rolling the teen onto his back,
slipping himself between slender thighs. His hands found Carl’s neck, splaying
down the side of his throat in a possessive way that was a strange comfort to
the teen. The pad of his thumb graced his jaw with the softest touch, slipping
along the soft skin of his cheek. He could feel the flutters of Carl’s
eyelashes tickle his cheek, the gentle sighs that left his lips whenever Negan
pulled away only to bring their lips back together.
Carl loved how he kissed, so passionate yet with such care that made Carl feel
adored. The kisses soon slowed, the hurried urgency giving way to the need to
cherish every second. His own hands slipped under soft cotton, pulling the
material up so he could reach the skin underneath, fingertips traced hard abs,
dancing over the muscles.
“C’mon, off, off,” Negan growled against his mouth, yanking Carl’s shirt over
his head, growing impatient with the clothing still on the teen’s body. He
quickly stripped his own off, tossing it aimlessly to the side.
Carl moaned at the feel of skin against his own, rough meeting soft as their
chest crashed together. Almost immediately hands yanked his hair back, pulling
the crown of his head flush to the wool, exposing his long neck for hungry
teeth. They latched onto his pulse point, drawing the sweetest gasps from plump
lips, toying with the flesh there. His back arched when they bit their way down
his chest, lavishing hot, wet kisses on his collarbone, tasting every inch of
flesh he could get his mouth, fixating on the spots that had Carl grinding up
against him.
Negan abused his nipples with his mouth, torturing them with his tongue and
teeth. He tugged at the reddening flesh, sparking a pleasurable-pain through
Carl’s body. He clasped his hands to Negan’s head, holding him against his
body, keeping that mouth on his skin. “You taste exquisite.” Negan’s voice
vibrated against his skin, making him shiver under it.
“Negan, please.” He didn’t know what he was pleading for, he only knew Negan
was the only one who could give it to him.
“Shh, darlin’ I’m here.” Hands soothed his skin, sliding up his waist, nails
scratching up the skin as his lips trailed downwards.
He tried to help Negan unfasten his shorts, hands fumbling at the fastenings
there, desperate to get them off his overheated flesh. He failed hard, hands
flopping uselessly to the side when Negan’s lips found his hips, tongue
dragging down one bone, trailing dangerously low on his waistband. He moaned
the loss of that mouth when he pulled away to tug his shorts off, eyes
fluttering open to plead at Negan to get it back on him. His heart thudded in
his chest at the sight of the man towering over him, strong body knelt between
his thighs, his own mouth watered as he trailed his gaze down, lingering on the
tattoos that decorated his body. He’d never get enough of that view, of the
taste of him. He licked his dry lips as large hands unfastened jeans, Carl’s
body throbbed with anticipation at finally getting the man naked. He was
pleased to see the man was as hard as he was, erection an almost angry red in
the night, pre-cum already forming at the tip. The hand that reached out to
grasp it was quickly slapped away, pinned to the ground by his head when the
man covered his body again, kissing him quick and dirty.
“This is all about you baby,” Negan spoke again, voice thick with lust. “Keep
your hands up here.”
“Or what?” Carl asked, breathless, eyes dancing with a dare.
Negan cocked his head at him, looking down with a dangerous lust. “Orr, I’ll
have to punish you.” He dipped his head lower, teasing a kiss on Carl’s ravaged
lips. “And I doubt you wanna sit on a plane for hours with a spanked ass.”
Carl wasn’t expecting the rush of lust at the man’s words, certainly wasn’t
expecting his mind to blow into overdrive at the thought. He was almost tempted
to push him to do it, finally get a chance to feel what he’d been thinking
about since Negan had tossed him over his shoulder months ago. The more
rational side of him told him to cool it, now wasn’t the time to be
experimenting with the darker side of his fantasies, so he let his arms relax,
spreading himself out for Negan to do with as he wanted. He shivered with
excitement when lips nuzzled along his throat again, mumbling “Good boy”
against the skin.
They quickly worked their way down, Carl’s breathing grew harder when they
resumed their trail along his hip bones, hands itching to grasp the man’s hair
and pull his mouth to where he needed it, where his aching cock was standing
out from his body, so hard and wanting. His hips squirmed in anticipation when
hot breath panted over the tip, making him shiver at the breeze. He cried out
in despair when those lips inched closer before diverting away, shifting to
kiss down hip, nipping his way along his thigh. Hands gripped his skin, moving
his body how Negan wanted it, giving him more access to skin he’d yet to touch.
They teased his legs, tormenting the sensitive skin of his inner thigh with
bites and sucks that had Carl arching his hips up, thrusting aimlessly into
thin air.
“Mmmm, don’t think I’ll ever get used to this.” Negan murmured, words hardly
reaching Carl’s ears, too lost in the feel of a hand wrapping around his cock.
“Nothin’ could taste better than this, you feel so damn good baby.”
All Carl could do was clutch desperately at the blanket by his head, scrunching
them in his grip as lust took over him. He practically screamed with relief
when he was suddenly enveloped in a scorching, wet heat, hands gripped his hips
hard, stopping him from shoving himself deeper into it. He squirmed beneath
him, at the mercy of the mouth that dragged along his dick, tongue slowly
winding around him.
Negan shifted his grip, one hand curling around the base of his cock, his
forearm draping over Carl’s hips keeping him in place. He bobbed his head
slowly, keeping up a deliberate pace, sucking him hard on every upstroke,
softly moaning on every down. He loved the taste of him, so sweet, and the way
he moaned had his own dick pressing with a growing urgency against his stomach.
He ignored it, focusing on sweet mewls of pleasure that left Carl’s mouth,
focused on drawing more of them out.
Carl could feel himself rush towards the edge, the unrelenting teasing from the
other man had him ready to blow before he’d put his mouth anywhere near him,
now he was more than ready to tumble over into the sweet abyss. “N-no.” He
moaned, tugging at Negan’s hair, urging him back up towards him.
Negan pulled away instantly, eyes flaring with alarm as he searched Carl’s
face. “Are you alright? Want me to stop?”
“M’fine,” He cupped Negan’s cheek, easing the stress from it, touched by the
concern. “I wanna come with you inside me, not like that.”
“Oh,” That devilish grin reappeared. “I can arrange that.” He leaned over Carl,
reaching into the basket to grab the bottle that he’d placed in there first
thing that morning.
“You really do pack everything,” Carl commented, marveling at the small bottle
in Negan’s palm.
“Always good to be prepared. You should know that Mr. Boy Scout.” Negan
commented, flicking the bottle lid open.
Boy scout? He’d never been a boy scout, where on earth had Negan got that idea
from. Just as he was about to open his mouth to ask, a cool moisture slipped
over his skin making him yelp.
“Sorry, it’ll warm up soon,” Negan spoke, working a finger between Carl’s legs.
“It better,” Carl mumbled between clenched teeth, closing his eyes to focus on
the feeling of Negan slipping a finger inside, rolling his hips to push it
deeper inside of him. “Mm, yesss.”
Negan works quickly to push another finger inside, fucking them in an out,
pressing his lips against Carl’s neck, mouthing at the flesh there. He’s so
warm inside, that slick heat just begging for his dick, and he was damn well
ready to give it to him. He pushes a third inside when he feels Carl relax
around him, spread him a quickly and gently as he can. He watches the flush
spread over Carl’s chest through eager eyes, he’s so fuckin’ beautiful, face
scrunched in pleasure.
“M’ready, Negan, now.” Carl pants, shoving at Negan’s hand, forcing his fingers
out of his entrance.
There’s a moment when the world pauses, when it falls way to just the two of
them, their eyes locked in a heated, loving gaze, so close they’re breathing
each other’s air. Just as Carl lines Negan up, teeth biting into his lower lip
when the man presses his hips closer, inching inside of him. Carl’s eyes close,
head falling back as his body’s stretched beyond what three fingers could
prepare him for. It still burns a delicious burn that has him hissing in
pleasure.
Negan lets out a satisfied groan when he’s finally buried deep, hunger for more
twisting in his stomach, adrenaline rushes through his veins urging him
onwards. “God, Carl…” He can’t say anymore, no words could ever describe how he
makes him feel. He’s simply perfect.
“Oooh…” Carl sighed, the slick drag of his cock inside him feels incredible as
Negan pulls back only to push back inside, languidly, taking his time. Carl’s
hips chased him each time, arching up each time his dick withdrew, hoping to
keep him inside as long as possible.
He tugs at Negan’s hair, pulling it to the side so he can latch onto his neck,
sucking a deep bruise where his pulse races against his skin, the urge to mark
him bubbling in his stomach. He wants to leave his mark, wants Negan to
remember him every time he looks in the mirror. He can feel Negan’s moan
vibrate under his mouth, feels his hips jerk uncontrollably whenever he sucks
harder. His free hand trails downwards, scratching a path across broad muscles,
clutches at the pert ass that clenches everytime he thrusts inside.
They’re both sweating, bodies pressed so tightly together, lips locking in a
kiss that is just as invasive as Negan’s dick inside of him. Carl moans each
time his hips hit the right angle when his cock drags over his prostate sending
him spiraling towards a blissful climax. The man never speeds up, just keeps
driving him crazy with deep, grinding thrusts that make his toes curl, breath
catching in his throat. “Ugh, Negan, you feel so good-yes yesss- right there.”
He encourages him with breathy moans, urging him to move faster, groaning when
he doesn’t listen.
“You gonna come like this?” Negan whispers so dirtily in his ear. “On my dick?
Rubbing that gorgeous cock of yours on me?”
Carl’s heart rate rockets, hips torn between grinding against those hard abs
and shifting back onto the dick thrusting inside me. “Oh god, oh Negan, yess,
yes please-” His words are choked, panted hard against lips that tease his own.
He pushes his other hand down, joining the other to push Negan’s hips harder
against his own, jolting at each bone-shaking thrust.
“I wanna hear it, baby, I wanna hear you scream-” He thrusts hard, eliciting a
desperate whine from the teen. “-my name. C’mon baby, c’mon.”
“Ohgodohgodohgod,” His toes curl as the wave breaks, hips thrusting
uncontrollably as the waves of pleasure crash over him spilling himself between
them, coating their abdomens with his release. He hisses out a “yess.” when
Negan’s thrusts falter, quickening erratically before pressing deep, riding out
his own orgasm with a deep growl. Carl wants to sear that image into his mind,
wants to remember the peaceful bliss that spreads over his handsome features
whenever he closes his eyes.
He pats at Negan’s head, nails scratching at his scalp when the man buries
himself in the crook of his neck, moaning softly whenever Carl’s body clenches
around his oversensitive cock. His own breath races out, chest heaving under
Negan’s weight. A speck of panic crosses over him, ruining his glow, he feels
trapped for a moment, body tensing for a different reason. Thankfully Negan
shifts, propping himself on his forearms, putting some space between their
bodies. A hand strokes across his cheek, tenderly wiping the sweat from his
forehead.
“You alright?” His voice is low and gravelly, it sends sparks of arousal
through him.
“Mmmhmm,” Carl answers, turning his face to kiss the palm on his cheek.
“M’perfect."
“Good.” Negan’s face finds his neck once more. “Hope you’re ready for round
two.” The man mumbled against his collar, lapping at the sweat gathering in the
lip before trailing lower. All Carl could do was gasp and squirm as pleasure
took over his body once more.
Negan certainly fulfilled his promise, taking him over and over again under the
stars, making him scream his name until his voice was hoarse. It had been the
perfect way to say goodbye. They hardly slept that night, just spent the time
memorizing every inch of skin that they could. When the sun broke over the
horizon they held each other, pressed as close together as they physically
could, neither willing to let the other go. It was only when Carl’s phone rang
for the tenth time that they finally parted, it wouldn’t be the last time he
saw the man before he left, but it still made his heart hurt, and his feet
heavy. Every mile that grew between them felt like a thousand, it took more
than one reminder of his parents to stop himself from spinning the car around
and driving back to the cabin. He had to think of them, he’d made a promise and
he had to keep it.
**********
The house was quiet when he entered, his Mom sat at the kitchen table, drinking
her tea, rubbing at the bump that dwarfed her. She looked beautiful, the
morning sun giving her a soft glow, a small smile decorated her face when she
caught sight of him. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey Mom,” He eased into the room, slipping a fresh bottle of water from the
refrigerator. “Dad not up yet?”
“Nope, think he got home late last night.” She patted the chair next to her.
“Come sit.”
He hesitated, deciding if he wanted to sit or make up an excuse to leave. Maybe
it was the knowledge that he was leaving the next day but he didn’t have the
usual urge to leave her. He pulled the chair out, seating himself on it, the
heat of the morning sun warmed the back of his neck like a kiss. He wasn’t
gonna tell her that his Dad had probably been up before she had to go by the
missed calls Carl had on his phone. He definitely wasn’t going to tell her that
the man had probably gone back to bed to avoid being alone with her.
“You have a good night with Enid?”
Enid? Right, she thought she was with Enid, he and his Dad had agreed to keep
Negan to themselves, the last thing he wanted was any complications before he
left. “Yeah, it was good, just hung out.”
“Hung out, hun?” A secretive smile appeared. “You two dating now?”
He laughed at that. “No, God, no. Definitely not.”
“C’mon,” She teased him. “You can tell me. I won’t tell your Father.”
“Honestly, no. We’re just friends Mom, spending some time together before we
leave.”
“Aw, it’s a shame, you two would’ve been a perfect couple.”
“Yeah, well, things just never clicked.” He paused to sip his water, his throat
still dry from the previous night. He flushed as the memories crept in, not a
good time. He spoke again, distracting himself from the blood rushing south.
“So, how are you? Baby alright?”
She seemed surprised by his question, her eyebrows shooting up, eyes flashing
with a small flicker of joy that he hadn’t seen in awhile. Was it really so
surprising that he’d ask? His stomach sank with guilt, had he really been that
distant?
“We’re good, can’t wait for her to arrive.”
“Her?”
Red colored her cheeks. “It’s just a hunch, nothing’s confirmed yet, your Dad
wants it to be a surprise.”
“But you think it’s a girl?”
“Mmhm, it feels different than when I carried you. It’s a silly superstition,
ignore the crazy pregnant woman.”
“You’re not that crazy.”
“Feels like it,” Lori replied, slowly rubbing her belly. “Lugging around this
extra weight is enough to drive anyone mad.”
“It’ll be worth it in the end though right?”
“Well, it was with you.” She said with a heartfelt smile.
Her words sparked a warmth in him, a wave of affection for her spread through
his chest. It was a small step, a tiny chip in the protective wall he’d built
between them but it was a much-needed start. A glimmer of hope that maybe one
day they’d move past the hurt and pain that laid between them. “I’m sure it
will be with her too. Can’t wait to meet her.”
“Mornin’.” His Dad interrupted, yawning as he went. He placed a kiss on Carl’s
head when he walked past, giving Lori a brief smile. “You guys alright?”
“Yeah, just waiting for you to get outta bed,” Carl replied.
“Well if you had come home the first time I called you I wouldn’t have gone
back to bed.”
“You that tired?” He asked, trying to cover his Dad’s back.
“Yeah, late night at work,” Rick answered. “Anyways, what d’you guys wanna do
today? It’s kinda miserable outside, not much to do out there.”
“We could relax here?” Lori offered. “I can’t really do much with this bump
here.” She pointed out.
A whole day with just the three of them cooped up inside the house? That was
gonna be interesting. He and his Dad shared a glance, good to know he wasn’t
the only one that thought it was a bad idea but they couldn’t exactly force her
out of the house. So they pushed through their doubts and plastered smiles on
their faces. They ended up in the nursery, finishing off the room whilst his
Mom supervised, offering her opinion every now and again. It made sense, the
baby was the one thing that they had in common, the one safe topic in the
house. Something new to drag them out of their past. It made him all the more
excited to return home at Thanksgiving, he knew it wouldn’t be practical to
return home for their birth so he’d have to wait for the holidays to meet them.
A whole two months away, it couldn’t come quickly enough.
They settled to watch a movie when the last picture was finally hung in the
nursery. Carl had never been more proud of a room, it was the perfect little
space for the baby. So bright, yet relaxing, filled with plush toys and sweet
pictures. He wasn’t sure how it was gonna work with his parents, whether Lori
would stay in the end or if she and the baby would move out. At least the baby
would always have a home here, a room to call their own, filled with two people
that loved him more than anything.
Lori picked the movie, she’d insisted on a cheesy comedy that was hardly funny
enough to be called a comedy. She left halfway through, too tired to continue
watching. Carl flicked off the tv as soon as she was clear of the stairs,
breathing a sigh of relief when the disaster left the screen.
“God, I’m glad that’s over,” Rick said, echoing Carl’s thoughts. “I don’t think
I’d have made it to the end.”
“You and me both,” Carl spoke. “That was awful.” He shifted to face his Father
on the couch, leg curling under himself. “You gonna be alright when I leave?
Being alone with her?”
Rick sighed, rubbing his face as he always did. “I dunno, it’s gonna be hard.
Just this morning… I heard her moving around and I just couldn’t. I snuck back
up to bed, waited until I heard you come home before I came down.”
“Maybe it'll be easier when it’s just you and her. When there’s no out for
you.”
“I hope so, cos I don’t think I can do this.”
Carl reached out to grasp his Dad’s hand, squeezing it for comfort. “Yeah, you
can. You’ve been through worse and you made it, we both did.”
Rick looked him over, when had his son grown so much? He’d become a man without
him even realizing. “I’m so proud of you y’know? Everythin’ you’ve done...
you’ve fought so hard for it. I couldn’t be prouder.”
“Thanks, Dad.” He ducked his head, shifting from the hand that ruffled at his
hair.
“I’m gonna miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” He gave him a weak smile, trying to ignore the sadness
that gnawed at his gut. “You’ll come visit soon though?”
“Of course, as soon as I can. I promise.” A false promise, he doubted there
would be anytime after the baby’s birth but it was a promise that brought them
both comfort.
“Good.”
“You’re gonna have fun Carl, away from this place, away from all the shit
here.”
“It’s not all shit here.” He replied. “I’ve got you, and Negan.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I know. A new adventure and all that.”
“You’ll be happy and you’ll be safe. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you,
Carl.” He meant it with every fiber of his being, he only hoped Carl realized
that. He’d do anything for Carl’s safety, even if it meant him being thousands
of miles away. “I love you.”
“Love you too Dad.”
“C’mere.” Rick pulled Carl towards him, clasping him in a hug that he never
wanted to release him from. Tomorrow would be hell, he didn’t know how he was
gonna let him get on that plane again but he knew he had to, for Carl. He could
do it for him.
**********
“So this is the goodbye huh?” Carl said. It wasn’t how he pictured it, a quick
goodbye in front of his Dad. They’d had their real goodbye the night before
last, but Carl had insisted on seeing him the day he left. He wanted one more
glimpse of the man, one more kiss before he had to go an entire month without
him.
“Not goodbye, it’s a see you later,” Negan told him, cradling his face in his
hand.
Carl shifted his head to breath him in, placing a lingering kiss on one palm,
he held it to his face. “I love you.”
Negan pulled him close, foreheads resting together, “I love you too, won’t be
long before I see you again.”
“A month is far too long.” Carl sniffed, hands coming up to cup Negan’s neck,
clinging onto the man, fingers tracing skin that he wouldn’t touch for weeks.
Negan gave a soft, empty laugh. “You won’t even miss me with all the partying,
and studying you’re gonna be doin’.”
“I doubt that.”
“Just don’t get too drunk alright?”
“Not without you there to take care of me.” The car beeped behind them,
startling them both. “I guess this is it then,” Carl spoke.
“Yeah, but only for a month.” Negan reminded.
Carl nodded, sniffing again, he was trying not to cry, the last thing he wanted
was for their last moments to be soggy with tears.
“It’s gonna be fine,” Negan whispered, leaning closer, thumb stroking away the
errant tears that fell.
“I love you,” Carl whispered again before pressing their lips together. Despite
his best efforts the kiss grew wet with tears, erasing the taste of Negan with
salt, he didn’t pull away though, in that moment he wanted to give everything
up, tell Udub to go fuck itself and stay here in his little cabin with Negan.
He pulled Negan closer, trying to memorize every single second of the kiss,
every single thing about the man. As if he could ever forget, he scoffed at
himself, he’d never forget the feel of his lips against his own, the way his
hands always tangled in his hair, the soft stroking thumb that always found its
way to burn a path on his cheek.
His heart tugged with a deep, desperate longing when the kiss broke, Negan’s
hands clenching in his hair in one last, despairing grip before sliding down to
cover his neck, pushing him back slightly. “If you don’t go now I’m never gonna
let you leave.” Negan’s voice was thick with emotion, hands clenching and
unclenching softly on his neck, torn between letting him go and desperately
longing to keep him here.
“Right, yeah, so I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you later, Carl.”
He took one last gaze into loving brown eyes, attempted a quick smile before
pulling himself away. His pace was quick back to the car, each step hurting
like a dagger in his chest. The closer he got to the car the heavier his feet
felt until he almost thought that he couldn’t go on, that he would just stop.
He shoved himself back into the car, slamming the door shut, Rick immediately
setting off as soon as he’d slipped his seatbelt on.
He berated himself for not telling the man to just up and move with him.
Stupid, youthful optimism hoping that it wouldn’t tear him apart to leave him
behind.
He watched the cabin disappear from the mirror, the structure fading away with
the man standing outside, illuminated by the glow of the morning sun. It was as
beautiful as it was heartbreaking. He’d see him soon enough, he shouldn’t be
feeling this distraught, tears slid uncontrollably down his cheeks. His body,
no his soul, felt like it was being torn in two. His stomach churned
unpleasantly, his body filling with a black dread that he hadn’t felt in a long
time. It terrified him, made him want to scream at his Dad to turn the car
around and take him back.
“It’ll be fine,” Rick reassured. “Nerves are normal.”
It was more than nerves that had his knee jittering, his fingers itching.
“Yeah, just nerves.”
Rick covered his knee with his hand. “You’ll be fine. When you get there, the
nerves will pass and you’ll be excited. Then before you know it Negan will be
visiting.”
Carl nodded, turning his gaze out of the window. He wasn’t sure how it would
pass but he hoped it would. Just one month he reminded himself. One month.
 
 
***** Home *****
Chapter Notes
     So here we are folks! Right at the end. Can't believe we made it this
     far! Considering how many times I thought about giving up I'm amazed
     that I even finished but here it is and I'm so proud of it. I know
     the updates have been sporadic and the writing isn't always that
     amazing but I tried my best and I feel like it's changed a lot as
     we've gone along with this so I'm a happy girl.
     Thank you so much to everyone that's stuck with me until the end! I
     appreciate every single comment and kudos and hit that I get on here.
     I know it may not seem like a big thing but they truly do help with
     the writing process! Big thank you to my girl the-sanctuaryy on
     Tumblr for encouraging me every step of the way and giving me the
     courage to stick with this ending.
     As for the ending I really hope you all enjoy it! It's probably not
     the one you're expecting but here we go!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                "And I make my bed with the stars above my head
                       And dream of a place called home"
                      - 'A Place Called Home' Kim Richey
                                        
===============================================================================
                                        
                                        
The sun always burst through in the morning, illuminating the small room with a
golden hue that never failed to wake its occupants. Carl squinted through
reluctant eyes, pouting at the too-bright light, he couldn’t bring himself to
hate it though, not when it made the room look so beautiful. More importantly,
it made the room look much larger than it was. The magnificent window that
overlooked the Burke-Gilman trail, allowed the light to latch onto every dark
crevice of the room, reflecting off the white walls to bounce around the space.
There really wasn’t much of it, just enough for the King-sized bed in the
center of the room, the wardrobe built into the walls with just enough space
for all of their crap, giving the room a hint of color with a deep grey.
It was tiny but it was home. Their home. His and the handsome man that rested
next to him, face burrowed behind Carl’s back to protect himself from the
light. In the few weeks that they’d been there, Negan had firmly established
his side of the bed as the one where he could hide away from the glare of the
sun. Not that Carl minded, there were worse ways to wake up than being blinded
by the spring sun, cozy in the warm arms of the man he loved. He’d never been
more glad that Negan had come over to join him, that the distance had been just
as intolerable for him as it was for Carl. The man had arrived two weeks after
Carl had left, announcing his new job at one of the local high schools, and a
new house that Carl had fallen in love with the second he saw it. Perfect
timing, Carl had been days away from calling him up and demanding that he get
his ass over there because he missed him too much. It was good to know that
even thousands of miles apart they could still think as one. 
Now, as the sun crested over the horizon he felt a contentment that he didn’t
think he’d feel in this place. As much fun as he’d been having, he knew it’d
never be enough, he’d always have that hole in his heart where Negan should be,
no amount of friends or parties would make up for it. He could be happy, he’d
laugh and smile, live his life but there was always something missing. Their
small separation only confirming something they both knew, they needed to be
together, like the world needs oxygen, only being complete when the other was
around.
“Mmmm…” The vibrations tickled his back, sending shivers up his spine as the
body behind him shifted, stretching out long limbs against him. “Mornin’
darlin’” A lingering kiss landed on the base of his neck, right between his
shoulder blades before nosing up to his ear.
“Morning,” Carl sighed, practically purring at the hand stroking up and down
his arm.
“Sleep well?”
“I always do with you here.”
He felt the lips curl up into a smile against his neck, was rewarded with a
quick kiss under his ear. “Glad I can be of assistance.”
Carl shifted around, rolling in his arms, to face his lover. His eyes took in
the rugged features, melting at the sleepy smile that spread across his face.
He snuggled closer, draping a leg over his hip, “Busy day?” He asked.
“Nope.” Negan replied.
“Good.” The heavy hand on his waist put him at ease, fingers massaging over the
shirt he was wearing. His shirt, the Harley Davidson shirt, the first one the
man had let him borrow. Not that Carl ever had any intention of giving it back
to him, he loved the feel of it, the smell of the man embedded in the material
from years of wearing it.
“Got plans for me then?”

“Oh yeah, lots of them.” Carl brought their lips together, basking in the soft
feel of his lips against his, his toes curling at the contented pleasure that
rolled through him. He let Negan deepen the kiss, let his lips open and his
tongue slip out to meet Negan’s, sending tingles through every nerve as they
twined together. It was hard to believe they had all day to do this, no class,
no work, no need to rush back home to be with his parents. He had all day to
indulge in Negan, to luxuriate in his arms, in the feel of his hands on his
body. They could do whatever they wanted, just the two of them alone in their
little house, safe and warm.
It was perfect.
“I could get used to this.” Carl murmured when their lips finally parted.
Negan chuckled, low and deep. “Well, you can, we’ve got four beautiful years of
this.”

Carl smiled at that, shifting to close the gap between them once more before he
was interrupted by the sharp ring of his alarm. He huffed, pouting at Negan
before rolling over once more to hush his alarm. He flicked through his
messages whilst he was there, a few from Enid telling him about all the boys
she’d met that week, he rolled his eyes at those ones, she always had a new guy
on the go these days. The others were from his Dad, letting him know about the
baby and his Mom. His heart warmed at the thought of his sister, he couldn’t
wait to see her again, she was too cute for this world.
“Carl?” Negan spoke behind him.
“Hang on,” He quickly text a reply to his Dad.
“Caarl?”

“Just a sec,” His fingers worked quickly since when was Negan so damn needy? A
choked gasp filled his ears, he quickly turned, rolling up in bed to get a
better view of the figure next to him. His heart raced at the sight, cold blood
filling his veins as his muscles froze, he could only watch as Negan’s rugged
features faded away, skin decaying, falling off the bone in grey lumps that
landed on their white bed sheets. Negan… no not Negan that thing choked his
name, groaning loudly as it’s body twisted and contorted in front of Carl.
Vomit clawed at his throat as the familiar smell of decay crawled up his nose,
his stomach sunk, this wasn’t supposed to be happening, not here not in their
home. No, no, no, no.
“Caarrrl,” It groaned at him, whitened eyes stared vacantly at him before it
moved, clawing towards him.
Carl tried to push him away but his hands merely clawed at peeling skin, clumps
falling off in his hands, he couldn’t stop him, couldn’t stop the stained teeth
chattering at him before it lunged at him.
“CARL!”
He shot up, arms flailing to grasp a figure that wasn’t there, his eyes burned
with a cold sweat that dripped down his face in rivulets onto his thin shirt.
He fought to catch his breath, heart pounding a hard beat that hurt his head.
His arms fell limply to his side, scrunching cool leaves in his palm, trying to
focus on the steady wind against his flushed face, anything but the horror
playing like a film in his mind. He flinched at the hand that landed on his
shoulder, blinking frantically in an attempt to focus his eyes on the small
figure crouched next to him. Relief flooded him when he saw the familiar brown
eyes, scouring his face with concern.
“That’s it, Carl, breathe for me.” The hand moved from his shoulder to his
back, rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades. Carl let his eyes
close, focusing on the warmth filtering his clothes. It was just a nightmare.
His breathing slowed, heart finally ebbing back to its normal pace, a sense of
calm flooded his body. “You alright now?”
He nodded at her, forcing a reassuring smile. “Yeah, bad dream.” He wiped the
sweat from his face, rubbing it off on his jeans. He felt disgusting, too many
nights of the same nightmare left his body covered in a sweat that he couldn’t
wash off.
She looked him over, a pensive look crossing her features. “Been having them a
lot lately…” She pointed out. The request for an explanation laid hidden in her
words.
He knew that, hadn’t failed to notice that the closer they got to his home, the
more frequent the nightmares came. Like his body was forcing him to remember
the place he’d been trying to keep locked away inside of him, he wanted to keep
them safe, couldn’t bear to think about the life before all of this. Even in
his darkest moments, he couldn’t stand to think about Negan, about the gut-
wrenching pain of not knowing what had happened to the man when all this shit
went down.
“Here, drink this.” She offered him the dirty bottle, the one they’d been
drinking for days now, only sipping at the murky liquid to preserve it. They
were miles away from any town, God knows when they’d get water next. They
hadn’t passed any sign of it in the last few days, they were currently tucked
away deep in a forest, not far from the road but far enough to keep them safe.
It was easier to hide here, easier to hear anything that might be approaching.
Only now he understood Daryl, why he spent so much time listening when they
went hunting, you could hear everything in the woods. Every crunch of leaves,
every snap of a twig, they all meant something. It was getting easier for him
to distinguish each meaning, what kind of animal was walking along, whether it
was fleeing or just wandering. Hunting for food became second nature, he copied
Daryl’s traps, setting them up wherever the settled for the night, he usually
caught something for them. Then there were the other noises, that harder
crunch, the sharper snap that told them something bigger was on the way,
something that made them grab the small bundle of possessions they still had
and run.
His face twisted at the metallic taste of the water, he thought he’d be used to
it by now but it never got easy. It still made his stomach cramp, left him
feeling nauseous for days on end but he had to drink, maybe one day it would
get easier. “Thanks,” He added, focusing on the water swirling in the bottle.
It was disgusting, he didn’t want to think about the bits floating in it, how
those bits were now floating inside of him.
A shoulder nudged his. “We’re getting close now. A few days away at most.”
“Yeah, not far.” He was acutely aware of it, dread filled each step of the way,
in a way he’d been grateful for all the detours they’d had to make, it
prolonged the hope that was quickly fading. He’d originally hoped that the
South had remained safe, that maybe it had escaped the worst of the outbreak.
He was quickly proven wrong, every mile they walked just confirmed his worst
fears. They were everywhere, every town had been taken, the stench of death
greeted them wherever they went. It was why they stopped looking in towns,
preferring the dense woods that kept them hidden. He wasn’t sure if they did it
to stop the walkers from getting to them, or if it was so they could avoid
having to face the reality of their lives now.
Walkers... such a stupid name, he knew what they were, if he didn’t know at the
start then he certainly knew it now. Zombies, is more accurate, the official
name given by movies, books, and TV shows. It’s what he should call them, but
he couldn’t, it didn’t feel right. It made the situation feel more ridiculous,
gave it an air of fiction that didn’t belong in this world. So they called them
walkers, gave a new name to the monsters that chased them.
“They might be alright, you never know Carl.”
It wasn’t the first time she’d said that she was always trying to inspire hope
in him. It never worked, he never let it work, he couldn’t take the hope. He
always smiled though, always appreciated the attempt. Michonne… his only
companion in this hell. The world brought them together at just the right
moment, when they were both ready to give in. Maybe that's why they'd been
drawn together, misery loves company and all that. He'd been terrified of her
when they'd first met, even after the first couple of weeks together he still
kept his distance. Her fierce gaze, abrupt sentences that gave nothing away
terrified him almost as much as the blood-stained katana that she kept on her
back. It was only when he’d saved her from a group of walkers, driving his own
knife into their skulls that she’d started to open up to him. A warmth filling
her words, genuine affection grew between them the more time they spent
together. He hadn't expected her to follow him this far, figured she'd leave
him as soon as she saw signs for other safe spaces, yet she surprised him by
sticking by his side. Probably realized there was such a thing as a 'safe
space' not after everything that had happened. He was grateful to have her by
his side, not just because she knew how to use that damn katana but she helped,
just having her around helped. They helped each other through the worst of it,
fought by each other’s side whenever they were forced to confront the monsters.
They got over the guilt together, told each other that it was a necessity, that
chipping away at their own humanity was worth the sacrifice to stay alive.
He still wasn’t sure about that.
There was a mutual agreement not to talk about the past, to discuss how they
ended up where they were. She never really asked about his nightmares, just as
he never asked about those moments where he lost her to her memories, those
times when her hand tightened on the blade handle and brown eyes fell flat and
lifeless. All she knew was that he wanted to get home, he didn’t have to tell
her who he was going home too, she’d seen the picture, the one possession that
he’d never let go of. It was the one he picked off the floor a lifetime ago,
taken on his birthday, he’d kept it in his wallet, then in his jeans pocket
when he chucked the leather, money meant jack shit these days. He tried not to
look at it much, only on those days when he felt strong enough when the sight
of his parents, the memories of the past, wouldn't condemn him to days of
despair.
“Ready to move on?” She asked, sensing any further discussion of his nightmares
would only result in further silence.
He nodded, shifting to stand on still-shaking legs. He gathered up their shit,
took another despairing sip of the water before shoving it into his backpack.
Today was a day for silence, they both sensed it, in the weeks that they’d been
together they’d grown to know each other too well. Carl almost knew what she
was thinking at times, could tell from her body language whether she wanted to
talk or not, whether the day would be filled with a strange laughter, deep
discussion or pure silence. The days when they laughed became fewer and far
between, every time they joked or messed around they were both overcome with
such guilt that they didn’t talk for days. A self-imposed punishment for having
a moment of enjoyment in a time of misery.
They’d crossed into Georgia days ago, they’d dipped out into a town on the
outskirts to find food and water. They didn’t find much of either, the small
town had been ransacked, store-fronts smashed, all the non-perishables cleared
on the shelves. They’d had to resort to scouring the houses, focusing on the
nicer neighborhoods that had better protection. They both hated doing it. Carl
could practically feel eyes following him from each portrait that decorated
walls, families joined together in smiles, glaring at him for invading their
homes, desecrating the happiness that once filled the four walls. At least this
time had been worth it, they managed to fill their bags with tins, enough food
to last them the trip back home.
Birds fluttered overhead, stirring the trees with their wings, drawing his
attention towards the clear skies. The sun was just rising, streaming through
the gaps in the trees, as it had in his dream. He lost himself in the glow,
remembering the feel of the sun warming his face, the hand that trailed along
his back, adoring brown eyes… he knocked those thoughts from his head. He
couldn’t think like that, couldn’t allow himself to think that way. Those
fantasies should be buried, they’d never be real, even if Negan was still
alive, it’d never be like that. Seattle was long gone, a charred wreck of a
place.
He’d been on a trip to Mount Rainier when it all happened, there had been an
unease in the air, reminiscent of the tension with his Father in the weeks
before he left. Carl had ignored it, deciding to join his classmates on the
weekend trip into the wilderness. When they got back everything had changed,
they’d been unable to make it back onto campus, cars had blocked the roads into
the city, signs had warned them not to continue. A few had chosen to ignore it,
racing on foot back into the fires that they could see from miles away. Carl
had stayed put, tried to get any kind of signal on his phone, quickly realizing
that none of them could. Desperation had set in then, mingling with the fear
that made his heart pound. He didn’t know what to do, they were all screaming
at each other, tears choking at their throats. It must have been the shouting
that drew their attention. He’d been the first to hear it, the low, throaty
groan. He’d ignored it, put it down to the shrill ringing in his ears, then it
came again, louder, coming closer. One by one they all stopped shouting, a
deadly hush came over the group, they sought each other, instinctively pulling
together in a circle. Carl saw it first, edging out of the trees, stumbling
towards the road. He thought it was a drunk, thought that maybe they could tell
them what had happened. He’d been the one to separate from the circle, shouting
requests at the figure, asking who they were. All he heard was more groans,
he’d only stepped back when more figures emerged from the trees, more
straggling bodies that inched closer.
It was only when he noticed the white in their eyes that true terror gripped
his body, their groans echoed in his ears, arms reached out for them. He’d
darted away, put some distance between them, tried to get the others to do the
same but it was all in vain. He could only watch as they stood frozen in fear,
could only see the horror on the faces when sharp teeth ripped through their
skin. It was sight that would forever be seared into his mind.
That was the first time he’d killed someone. Whilst the remaining survivors ran
for the safety of the trees he’d grabbed a kitchen knife from one of the bags
and driven it into one of their skulls. The resistance had surprised him,
movies made it look so easy, just dive the knife in and pull it out. There was
a moment when he didn’t think he’d be able to push it through, his muscles too
weak to drive it through unyielding bone, then suddenly it slipped through
spearing into the brain. The thing flopped, dead once more. In a haze he’d done
the same to the others, working on instinct to avoid chattering teeth.
He’d been covered in the blood for days, unable to clear it until he’d found a
river. Some days he could still feel it coating him, the dark red drying on his
skin, crusting over the surface. At least he’d been on his own then, no one to
worry about but himself, he’d been able to avoid most of the walkers as he made
his way South. He barely remembered the early days, the memories floated
through his mind like a dream, blurred with no real sense of time. He’d walked,
paranoid that each step would draw more of those monsters, he never stopped
looking over his shoulder. The amount of times he’d suddenly change direction,
certain that he was about to walk into a hoard of them. He’d seen that once, it
was like being doused in cold water, he’d hidden up in a tree and waited for
the herd to pass him. He hardly allowed himself to breathe, he slipped along
roads like a ghost. He didn’t trust anyone, always ducked whenever a car blew
past him, hid if he heard even a whisper of a voice. By the time he’d come
across Michonne he hadn’t said a word in a month, just moved with his teeth
gritted in a silence. In those days he’d felt a flurry of gratitude to Daryl,
grateful that he’d taught him how to navigate, he’d stolen a map from an
abandoned gas station, the first he’d come across, and used it to work a route
back home. Nearly 3,000 miles had stood between him and his home, now it
dwindled to ten. Nearly three months of walking, making detours, avoiding
conflict whenever they could. It seems always poetic that they’d be arriving
not long after the New Year, the time when things always seemed to change for
him and he knew, God, he’d known for far too long that whatever happened when
they reached Lawrenceville, it would change him forever.
**********
Carl didn’t even notice them arrive in his hometown, too busy watching his big
toe poke out of the top of his sneakers with every step. He really needed to
find a new pair, even in the warmer climate his feet still froze in the nights.
It was only when the woods dwindled and they were forced out of their leafy
sanctuary that he recognized where he was, like a bullet to the chest
recognition shot into him. The old park… his old playground spread out before
him, much like it had when he’d stumbled into the place months ago. It tore a
laughter out of him, his cracked lips tearing with his smile, he could taste
the blood on them but couldn’t care less. They’d made it. They’d finally made
it.
“Carl?” Michonne asked, coming to stand next to him.
“We’re here.” He responded it was all he could say. He drank in the sight,
desperately making sure that this was the right place, that his mind wasn’t
tormenting him with false hope.
She stepped ahead of him, taking in the view herself, checking for walkers no
doubt, spinning around to check the vicinity. Her hand relinquished her katana
when she confirmed that all was clear. “So where now?”
Where now? Home or his other home? Negan or his parents? Home was closer, only
an hours walk from here, Negan’s would take at least two hours. On the other
hand, Negan’s place is more remote so there’s a small chance Rick might have
taken them there to keep them safe. He desperately wished he could see both,
wished for some sign about where they were. The last thing he wanted was to
drag Michonne through a walker-infested town unnecessarily, they’d had far too
many narrow-escapes in towns like this where they’d been suddenly overwhelmed
with walkers. Time to be decisive Carl, you can’t just stay here. “Home.” He
said. “We’re going home.”

“Alright, show me the way.”
He nodded, swallowing the nerves creeping up his throat, before taking a step
forward. In the park, it seemed like nothing had changed, but the town soon
showed it’s colors. The streets were empty, filled with broken, vandalized
cars. Military vans decorated the sidewalks, soldiers still in their camo
hung lifelessly out of windows, the familiar stench of death overshadowing the
town. It was just like all the other places they’d been, brutalized, wrecked,
surrendered to the dead. They only came across a handful of walkers on their
path, one perk of being a local meant he knew how to avoid the populated
places, as much as he wanted to head downtown to check for supplies he knew
it’d be a wasted trip. They’d both learned that places like this just led to
disappointment. His own neighborhood hadn’t escaped the path of destruction,
cars littered what used to be perfectly kept lawns, the grass all overgrown,
flowers dead from the cold winter. Most of the doors hung open like the homes
were left in a hurry, he quickened his pace when they reached his street,
anxious anticipation driving him onwards. He needed to know. He had to know the
truth after all this time. One way or another.
He paused at the pathway, looking up at the house that towered over him, his
home. All he had to do was walk up the stone and look inside. It didn’t look
that different, the door was shut, Mom’s car still on the drive where it was
when he’d left. For a moment hope trickled through him, maybe they were still
there waiting for him to come home.

“You ready?”
“No.” He answered looking over at her for a strength that he couldn’t find in
himself. A strange look came over her, almost affectionate yet sorrowful. She
looked so much like a Mother sending her baby off to school for the first time,
trying to reassure whilst drowning in the knowledge that their baby would soon
be devastated. It fit her features like she’d done it before, he often wondered
if she had. There were so many moments where he was certain that she had to
have been a parent, the way she treated him at times… He shook his head, it
wasn’t time for those thoughts, he had to think of his own parents now.
She gave his arm a squeeze, taking a step closer to him. “I’ll be here Carl,
right beside you, whatever happens.”

The breath filled his lungs, airing out his chest in an attempt to lift the
weight that had settled there. “Alright, let’s do this.” He stepped forward,
tentatively walking closer to the house. As much as he wanted to rush inside he
couldn’t let himself forget what could be lurking on the other side of the
door, there was always a possibility that the door had been closed to keep
those monsters inside. His hand landed on his knife, fingers teasing the
handle, preparing himself for the worst. Heart thudding in his ears, he twisted
the doorknob, relieved when it simply clicked open. He didn’t dare breath, he
almost willed his heart to stop pounding just so he could hear. It was almost
strange to see it so untouched, nothing was out of place, he’d expected it to
be ransacked, like all the houses he’d dipped into. At the very least he’d
expected there to be signs of a struggle, maybe even signs of a quick escape,
things tossed to the floor to get access to the essentials. No… it looked the
same. He felt Michonne creep behind him, saw her dip in front of him, katana
raised high as she surveyed the house. He let her move through the house, saw
her creep into the dining room, instead of following her he went up the stairs.
Heart urging him into the nursery they’d put together, the one question that
had plagued his mind since this whole thing had started; what about his sister?
He only hoped that Lori had given birth before things had gotten too bad, that
maybe she’d made it to the hospital to deliver her safely. The more he crept up
the stairs the more he came to accept the reality that his parents weren’t
here. His Dad would’ve made himself known by now, whether he thought it was
Carl or an intruder, if his sister were here the man would’ve done anything to
keep her safe. Still, he persevered, checking each room, growing more desperate
when each room was just as empty as the next. The nursery looked unused, dust
collected all over the furniture, a brand new bag of nappies sat in the corner.
He left as quickly as he came, closing the door behind him. He let himself fall
in his own room, sinking down onto the still-made bed, just as he’d left it.
Disappointment flooded every vein, a dark chill gripped him, some part of him
always thought they’d be here, waiting for him. How was he supposed to find
them? Was there even a ‘them’ to find? How on earth in this impossible world
were they ever going to find each other again?
“Carl?” Michonne called up to him, urgency seeping into her voice.
He raced down the stairs, jumping the last two steps, rushing into the kitchen.
Michonne stood by the fridge looking down at a piece of paper. “What is it?”
She gave him a weak smile, hand shaking as she held it out to him. “It’s for
you.”
His own hand shook when he plucked it from hers, he couldn’t focus his eyes,
they stared blankly at the black ink crossing the page. It took several moments
for the ink to form words, even longer for it to make sense to him.
 
Carl,
 
I hope this gets to you, I hope that somehow you made your way home safely. We
held out as long as we could but your Mom was getting closer to her due date
and we couldn’t wait any longer.
 
We’re going to Atlanta, apparently, there’s a safe space there, run by the
military. We’re hoping there’s a hospital for your Mom to deliver safely. I’ve
let you her car, there’s gas in the tank and there’s more hidden in the
basement. I’ve locked away some guns, you know where and you know the code.
Take them and come find us. We’ll wait for you there I promise.
 
Take care and stay safe.
 
All our love,
 
Mom and Dad.
 
Teardrops dampened the white sheet, his hand trembled harder as emotions rolled
through him. “They’re alive.” He whispered, hardly able to believe it. “They’re
alive.”
“Looks like it.” Michonne replied, brushing the water from his face. “No need
for tears Carl, we gotta go find your parents.”
He sniffed, shaking his head to pull himself together. She was right, it was
time to focus, he had to go find them, no point waiting around. Even if the
thought of another 'safe space' had his heart skipping a beat, he'd got there
for his parents. “Yeah, God, yeah.” He smiled through the tears that burned at
his bleeding lips. “We better go.”
Her face lit up in a smile that he hadn’t seen before, hope danced in her eyes,
maybe this trip wasn’t just for him, maybe she needed this just as much as he
did. Some form of light in this dark world. Something to think about on those
days when it all got too much and the barrel of a gun looked all too inviting.
They needed this, no, after everything they’d been through they deserved this.
He made sure they gathered more supplies before they took off, he grabbed the
guns his Dad had left for him in the safe, in the attic, hidden under all the
Christmas decorations that they wouldn’t need again. He sent a quick thanks to
his past self when he found the sneakers he’d left behind before heading to
Seattle. It was like walking on air after living with the damaged ones for so
long. As expected the water was off in the house but he managed to find some
baby wipes in the nursery, it felt wrong taking them but the need to finally
clean again was more than overwhelming. They worked quickly to sort themselves
out, Michonne doing what she could in a place so unfamiliar, Carl moving as
fast as he could so they could move onto the other place he so desperately
needed to see. The place his soul screamed at him to go to.
They hopped in the car together, Carl had never been so happy to see the tank
full, he’d thought that someone would’ve drained it by now. He was careful
driving out of the street, narrowly avoiding the cars splayed over the road.
For the first time in so long they both relaxed, worn bodies sinking into the
cool leather as they relished in a feeling of safety that they hadn’t felt
since the start of it all.
“You ready for Atlanta?” Michonne questioned, speaking through a mouthful of
protein bar. She’d been overjoyed when she found his Dad's secret stash, even
happier when Carl told her she was more than welcome to all the peanut butter
ones. No amount of hunger could ever make Carl eat that shit again.
“Yeah,” He was more than ready for that place. “I just need to go somewhere
else first.”

He saw her cock her brow at him from the side. “Where’s that?”
He gripped the wheel tighter, images of the cabin flickering through his mind.
It was the first time he’d let himself think about that place, his little
sanctuary, maybe it would be again. He could bring his parents back from
Atlanta, hole up there with Negan until… well until whenever. “There’s someone
else, someone I need to see.”
“Ookay, wanna tell me who it is?”
“I don’t really wanna talk about it.”
“Alright,” She turned her gaze back to the open road in front of them. “Just
lemme know when we get there, I’m gonna take a nap.”
He let her sleep, heard her breathing soften next to him. It was almost
impossible to resist the temptation to go faster, he just wanted to be there
already, he wanted to see that cabin appear in the horizon, that familiar
figure waiting for him on the porch like he always did. His heart longed for
it, as much as it longer for the man who owned the place.
Walkers bordered the road in front of them, huddled in little groups around
cars that had crashed into the trees, Carl knew what they were doing, could
tell from the way they buried their faces into the metal. It made him sick to
think about it, nausea rolling through his belly for the remainder of the
journey. It only worsened when he turned the car onto the smaller road that led
up to the cabin, the gravel crunching under the heavy tires.
His heart leapt as the structure appeared in his vision, that feeling of home
seeped through every bone in his body. The world fell away for a brief moment,
he forgot Michonne was next to him, in his mind, it was Friday night, he was
pulling up after a long day at school, ready to unwind with the man he loved.
His eyes fixed on the dark mahogany of the door and he waited, breath trapped
in his chest, for the man to appear. He waited and waited, minutes passed maybe
even hours, but he waited. He couldn’t blink, he didn’t want to miss the moment
when the door opened and Negan came rushing out as he always did, Carl would be
ready. He’d greet his body with his own, welcoming him into his embrace, lips
raising up to meet Negan’s. He just had to wait, his knuckles turned white, his
lungs screamed at him to just take a damn breath.
Nothing happened.
The door remained closed to him, no figure emerged from the threshold, no
lights appeared in the windows. The harsh light of day reigned down on them,
leaving no room for mystery, no room for misinterpretation. It was clear no one
was there, all the clearer when Carl’s gaze left the door to sweep over the
property. The sight devastated him, the cabin hadn’t been as lucky as his home,
it was a ruin of its former self. Not a single window was left intact, all of
them smashed, he couldn’t tell if it was by object or hand. Graffiti covered
the wooden exterior, stupid, meaningless words desecrated the space. Carl noted
there was no attempt at cleaning, which meant… no… it didn’t mean anything.
“Carl?” Michonne’s voice anchored him back, drawing his attention to her. “This
the other place?”
He nodded, he couldn’t speak, not with the lump growing in his throat. This
couldn’t be it, it couldn’t end like this, not with them.
“Wanna go inside?”
He didn’t, he so desperately didn’t but he needed to know… he couldn’t go back,
couldn’t go forward. He wanted to stay in this moment where there was still
hope, where he could believe that he wasn’t about to see his nightmare become a
reality. His heart raced, his hands shook uncontrollably as he pushed the car
door open. He trembled on unsteady legs, each step felt momentous, he wasn’t
sure if he was going to make it, almost certain that he was gonna fall.
Michonne hovered nearby, waiting to catch him? He could see the katana glint in
the sunlight, suddenly it didn’t make him feel as safe as it used it, instead
it served as a reminder of what would happen if Negan was inside, if he was
like the others. He knew she wouldn’t hesitate, not like him, she’d act quick,
taking Negan from him.
“Let me go first, Carl.” She tugged him back, pushing herself in front of him.
He halted on the threshold, watched her go inside, that feeling of wrong filled
him once more. She shouldn’t be here, it should just be him and Negan. It was
their place. Their safe place where they could be together, where they opened
up to one another, physically and emotionally. To know another person was
inside was a violation. The feeling only worsened when he finally mustered the
courage to step inside. The interior was wrecked, the place was torn apart,
cupboards left hanging open, chairs overturned for no reason other than to
cause destruction. The couch was torn, seared by a knife so the stuffing hung
out obscenely, his spot ruined beyond repair. There was no sign of life, no
sign anything had been there recently, dust covered the surfaces, thicker than
the one at his parents. Clearly, the place had been hit first, the only
occupant driven out or… nonono. He couldn’t think that, not yet, not ever.
“Doesn’t look like anyone’s here Carl.” Michonne spoke emerging from the
bathroom. “I’ll go check upstairs.”
“No,” He halted her, raising a hand to stop her moving. “I’ll go.”

“Carl…” She warned he could feel the lecture ready to bubble out of her.
“Please? I need to do this.” He pleaded with her, he had to, he needed to see.
She relented, gesturing for him to head up the stairs. “I’ll be here if you
need me.”
He nodded back, gripping the cold metal banister that encircled the staircase,
using it to urge him upwards. Each step screamed a memory at him, the first
time he’d walked up these stairs, the pain he was in then was nothing to the
pain that electrified his veins now, this time he had no hand to clutch, no arm
around his waist, no cheesy jokes to lift his mood. It was just him, alone,
he’d never gone up these stairs alone. He'd never been in this cabin without
him, somehow the place felt less like home without the large personality that
was Negan. It was a realization that nearly broke him, made his knees weak, and
his pace slow. The reality that this might be his life now slowly sank in, like
a venom pouring through your veins, you can’t see it but god you can feel it
burning through you.
He kept his gaze away from Negan’s bedroom, inspecting the bathroom and the
spare room for any signs of the man. Nothing. The rooms were just as wrecked,
the mirror ripped off of the wall, no doubt people looking for medicine, or
drugs or god knows what. The bed was stripped in the spare room, the mattress
leaning precariously over the edge of the divan base. The drawers hung open, as
bare as the wardrobe at the side of the room.
There was nothing here.
Carl knew before he’d even opened the door that Negan wouldn’t be inside it,
he’d have known by now. One way or another there would’ve been some indication
of life inside the cabin, the dust on the floor told him that no one had
stepped along this corridor in so long. Nonetheless, he opened the door and
stepped inside. The room was no different to the others, it shouldn’t have
surprised him but it did, he had hoped that the room might remain untouched
that some power would’ve kept it safe.
What he saw on the bed was the final straw, the final dagger in his heart that
had him crashing to the floor, like a puppet cut from his string. He fell to
his knees by the bed, broken eyes never leaving the dried pool of blood on the
mattress that had long been stripped of its sheets. There was too much blood
there, logic told him that there was too much for it for a person to walk out
alive. His hands clutched at the mattress, clinging to the bed like a lifeline.
Their bed, the bed where he’d had the first peaceful night’s sleep in years,
the bed where he and Negan had made love more times than he could count yet not
enough, it hadn’t been enough. It was the bed where Negan had held him through
his nightmares, where they’d spoken with hushed voices about their future and
their past. Now it was the bed where Negan might have…
He couldn’t think it, his brain couldn’t comprehend it. This couldn't be it,
not the end of Negan, of them. He couldn’t have had his last kiss with him, he
could hardly remember it, he couldn’t remember how it felt, how he felt. He
buried his face into the fabric, desperately breathing in, he couldn’t remember
how he smelt, he wanted to remember, he wanted to smell it one more time. He
needed one more time. This wasn’t how it ended, he didn’t come all this way for
it to end like this.
“Carl?” Michonne’s voice was soft behind him, “Are you alright?”
“He’s gone.” He mumbled against the fabric, now damp with tears. It was all he
could say, he couldn’t say the other words, he’d never be able to say it.
Michonne filled in the blanks, the blood on the mattress, the shuddering form
at the foot of the bed. “It might not be his, it could be anyone's.”
“Then where is he?” He spoke again. “He wouldn’t leave here, not without
letting me know.”
Michonne knelt beside him, pulling him away from the bloody mess. “He might
have been rushed out, you know how these things go.”

“That’s the problem, I know how it goes. He could be one of them.”

“Or he could be fine. “
Carl didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t fathom it. Who else would’ve been there?
Who would’ve stayed? Why wouldn’t Negan have come back for him? “What do we do
now?” His voice broke with the words. What was worth doing now?
She brushed away his tears again, looking at him with a firm resolve, “We go to
Atlanta, we find your parents. Maybe they’ll know what happened here. We don’t
stop though Carl, not now, we’ve come this far. You and me. We’re going.”
He let her tug him to his feet, leaned on her as they made there was to the
door, he stopped them halfway. “Wait…” His fingers fumbled with the scarf
around his neck, pulling it out from his coat. He let it fall through his
hands, the red material soft against his palms, folding it so the C.G. stared
back at him. The present from the first, and only, birthday he’d spent with the
man.  He placed it at the foot of the bed, smoothing it down before placing the
letter from his parents on top. “If he’s still alive, he might come back here.
This way he’ll know where I am. He can find us.”
Michonne nodded, gesturing for Carl to get back to her. She helped him back to
the car, not letting him stop for a moment, she might never get him going
again. Together they stumbled through the living room, and out into the
sunlight. Broken, bloodied, they had a long journey ahead and she had a
teenager to protect. Whatever happened, wherever they ended up she’d have his
back, she’d make sure he made it back to his parents. No matter what.
 
Chapter End Notes
     PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!
     I hope it didn't come as too much of a surprise to you all! I tried
     to set it up through the story, the whole Merle conspiracy theory,
     Daryl teaching Carl how to hunt, Rick being all weird and sketchy in
     the last few chapters. It was all supposed to tie into this. I just
     couldn't resist bringing them into this world! I nearly changed the
     ending when I read Leaf's lovely spin-off from this as I honestly
     didn't think I could compete with that but I just couldn't think of a
     more fun way of ending it.
     If you want a more closed ending then consider the dream-sequence the
     actual ending, I know people like a story wrapped up but if you know
     anything about me then you know I like a good cliff-hanging.
     As a small aside can I ask you guys about chapter length, do you
     think 10,000+ is too much? Just for future reference, I never know if
     it’s better to have long chapters or cut them in half.
     That's all now folks, the sequel should be up soon as well as a new
     fic that I've been plotting for months! Come find me on tumblr, I'm
     awareslaura on there too, I'm always in need of more Cegan blogs to
     follow. Love you guys <3
  Works inspired by this one
      Never_Without_You by Leef
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!
